Episode 5 Fix My Family

What happens to our cute kids? One minute they're sweet and adorable...

and before you know it, they've morphed into moody teenagers...

This is useless.

-..struggling with challenges of adolescence...

-Sitting up here,

-doing nothing.

-Get out!

-..leaving parents wondering

exactly where did they go wrong?

RAISED VOICES

No kicking. The situation was bad enough.

You just said you weren't hungry.

What d'ya mean, you? You know exactly what you're doing.

Hey, hey! Rachel...

These three families are suffering serious teen trouble.

Desperate for change, they've signed up for a week-long retreat,

away from their usual routines and home comforts, in a bid to turn

their lives around. The location - Newcastle, County Down,

where an expert team awaits.

They'll push them to their limits...

-We're supposed to be doing this together.

-I don't care.

..in an attempt to rebuild their confidence...

-Stop!

-..and their relationships.

But can they step up to the challenge and grasp this

once-in-a-lifetime opportunity?

THEY SCREAM

The road to understanding themselves and each other this week

has been a bumpy one...

This is our time, me, you and Beano. Family time.

-Scared?

-Scared when he roars at ye an' all.

I'm not a big, bad wolf or something.

-Shut up.

-Why?

-Because I told you to.

-Ciara...I need your help to do it.

-I don't care.

Of course it's hard to take, because she won't let you in there.

I don't really know why, you know,

she resented her older sister so much.

Amy, what is the big deal?

I can't do all of it at once.

..though perseverance and a willingness to change

have provided signs of real progress.

We are actually getting on better here than at home.

-It's different.

-Class!

For Andrea and her three teens, Naomi, Josh and Rachel,

the sibling rivalry between the sisters

-had been tearing the family apart.

-Get out!

This week, Naomi and Rachel have been forced to face up

to their behaviour.

RECORDED SHOUTING

-Shall we stop?

-Yeah.

And it seems Rachel is ready for change.

I just want everyone to get along and stop the fighting

and anger and jealousy and things.

-No, get off me.

-Siobhan has gained an insight

into how her and Ciara's stormy relationship affects the family.

Everything that happens is about me and Ciara

and the other two are sort of pushed to the sidelines and left out of it.

And in an effort to redress the balance,

youngest daughter Hannah has joined them for a few days.

And it's clear that Siobhan is slowly but surely

breaking down the barriers between her and Ciara.

And what about me touching you and hugging you?

-All right.

-She didn't just boot me into that hedge!

Chloe's challenging behaviour and difficult relationship

with her stepdad, Beano, brought mum Cathy here looking for solutions.

-Come on, love.

-Being flung together on outdoor pursuits

has helped bring Chloe and Beano closer.

SHE LAUGHS

And heeding the advice provided this week has given Cathy

a new sense of empowerment.

I'm not going to let Chloe be in control of me.

Another day begins and Cathy's new parenting skills

are about to be tested.

Wellbeing expert Amanda Hamilton

has invited the group to a morning exercise session,

but almost immediately hits a snag.

Take your socks and shoes off out there.

-Take your socks off.

-Why?

-What's the big deal about your feet?

Unexpectedly, a row is about to erupt over, of all things,

bare feet.

I'm not doing this.

CATHY: Why are you not taking your socks off?

-They're not making me.

-Who's not?

-You.

-Take your socks off, please.

-I don't have to. Make me.

-I've mine off.

-Aye, that's you!

-Chloe, don't roar at me.

Please don't roar at me. Get the socks off ye, now!

Chloe, get the socks off ye.

I'm not going to ask you another time. I'll ask you one more time.

-Go you on.

-I'm not going in.

-No, I'm not doing it.

That's all right, I'm sitting here, then. We'll all be.

-Don't care, not doing it.

-I'm sittin' here along wi' you.

Go on, just go on, if you want me socks...

No, take your socks off while we're going in to do an activity.

-I don't want to do it.

-Well, we're all doing it.

-Please take your socks off.

-Beano gets to keep his on.

-Beano's different.

-Ah, so I'm not?

Everybody else gets to keep theirs on and I don't. Aye, right.

-My feet's stinkin' but sure I'm...

-Shut up.

-Get your socks off.

Chloe, take your socks off.

Amanda has stepped in to try to defuse the situation,

but despite this, Chloe's decided to sit this one out.

You sit down and get ready.

-Leave me alone!

-That's right.

Chloe, you got your socks off, do you want to come through?

No, I don't want to do it.

-You're not going to do it?

-No. Don't want to do it.

-OK.

Try and look at a single point...

While the others get flexible,

Chloe ponders the injustice of the situation.

'Not fair, like. All them 'uns get to keep theirs on, like, I don't.

'Like I'm the one different or something.'

No harm to ye, I had to get something out,

I had to say anger out.

It's testament to the impact the week must be having.

Rather than another row,

Chloe has chosen a more grown-up way of dealing with things.

I'm not going into that. I'm not going back into an argument with you.

-I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Mummy.

-It's all right.

The apology is a sign of huge progress.

Contemplating how her role as a mother has now changed,

Cathy is with clinical psychologist Dr Raman Kapur.

She has to learn I am the mommy

-and that she's the child.

-Yes.

-And it's not equal any more.

I've only became a parent to Chloe this week.

Because when I look back now,

there has been no discipline,

she's been let do what she wants to do.

-In a sense, she can't rule the roost so much.

-Not any more.

She has to grow up as well. I have to let her grow up.

Chloe is still my baby. She was my lifeline

because God knows where I would be today.

A long time ago, alcohol sort of took over my life

and then when I did fall pregnant with Chloe I just stopped drinking.

And I haven't drunk since.

-She brought a new life for you then?

-Yes. I got a second chance.

To balance the intensity of the psychotherapy sessions,

Amanda has organised a series of outdoor challenges across the week.

Today, the families have been taken to a local quarry.

Facing your fears and doing it anyway

is something that, whether you're a teenager or adult,

is difficult to do, but you can feel great afterwards.

-You're afraid of heights but you're going to go rock-climbing?

-Yeah.

So what we've decided to do is a bit of climbing and abseiling,

in the hope they get that great sense

of self-satisfaction and confidence.

Despite being terrified of leaving the ground,

Beano makes the climb look easy.

-AMANDA:

-Well done, Beano.

All right. I've got you. Brilliant.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

He's not the only one stepping up, or should that be down,

-to the challenge.

-Fantastic, yeah. Sit yourself down.

SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

I don't think I can do it.

Whoo!

Concentrate at the end. I don't want to fall.

CATHY: Take your time.

It's scary.

Would you all stop talking to me until I get it done?

Come on, Chloe. Stand there and rest yourself for a wee minute, darlin'.

-INSTRUCTOR:

-You're doing really good.

I'm shaking here, you know, and them rocks are breaking.

SHE GROWLS

CATHY: You can do it. Brilliant. So proud of you.

Come on. That's it.

You've only got about two more steps and that's you at the top. Come on.

-I'm taking a breather, here.

-OK, then.

Oh, Mummy!

She'll be all right. It's just one more wee...

-Once she gets her foot there...

-It's the height, Beano.

Don't be looking down, Chloe, look at the fella at the top.

CHEERING

Well done!

Beating her fear and overcoming her panic is another triumph for Chloe.

This week's physical challenges all serve to reinforce the mind work.

They're designed to build confidence and self-esteem, encourage teamwork

and help the families have a bit of fun together.

And Amanda has something else up her sleeve.

So, everybody, you might be wondering why I've got

such a delicious mid-morning treat on the table here.

Well, it's to give you enough fuel for tonight's expedition.

We're beside the beautiful hills and I thought wouldn't it be great

if you all went camping?

Going to have a lovely lunch

and then you're going to get set off as families

and walk to the campsite.

-I can't wait.

-You really excited?

-So am I.

-Really excited about it?

-So is everyone up for it?

-ALL: Yes.

-Cathy?

-I like the comforts of my bed, but...

-we'll have a go.

-Yeah?

-We'll have a go.

-Ciara?

-Yeah, I like camping.

-Great!

-I want a campfire.

Get off me, right now!

So far, the focus for Ciara has been on the breakdown in communication

with her mum, Siobhan, who's been bringing up her three daughters

by herself since she split with the girls' father, four years ago.

-We're supposed to be doing this together.

-I don't care.

Today, Dr Rachel Andrew is taking Ciara's session outside,

hoping that the change of environment

will give Ciara more space to think.

I think I thought when I got to a certain age, I would know it all,

that it would all suddenly makes sense.

It doesn't really ever get to that stage.

But were you thinking it might happen at some point for you,

you would figure it all out and be able to deal with everything?

Kinda. I just didn't know when.

When I heard, "You're like my age or a couple of years younger",

all people talk to you about is your future.

All I see is blackness. I don't see one.

-Really?

-Yeah. It's not as dark as it used to be, though.

-But there's still not a picture there.

-Mmm.

And can you remember what led up to that?

No, not really. It was just there.

Was it around that same time, like being 11?

Yeah, like from the end of first year.

It was around the same type of time when

-your mum and dad split up.

-Yeah.

Do you think that would have had anything to do with the blackness?

Uh...yeah.

As Rachel had hoped, Ciara has dug deep

and in talking to Raman, mum Siobhan reveals that her thoughts

have followed a similar path.

She's insisted to me and I've asked so many times

is this anything to do with that? And she's,

"No, I've finished talking about that a long time ago."

But obviously there's something more deep-seated there.

Some sort of...

..blame against me for the fact that we're on our own.

I just don't know.

It's the only thing that I can really pinpoint

to when things spiralled really out of control with her.

I really want it to work. I want things to get better.

You're trying to do it all on your own, trying to be brave for them

and give them everything they need and...

sometimes you just can't do enough.

Perhaps it's really accepting that you can only do so much.

I think because you have such a pressure to make it right,

it can make you feel bad or guilty quite quickly

when something breaks down.

So maybe really trying to appraise, "Well, what is the most realistic

"and reasonable thing I can do here? I'm on my own."

If you factor that in it may help you think about things a bit more

but most importantly take that pressure off you

which I think is Herculean.

Speaking about hopes and fears

has become easier for everyone on this retreat, though dealing

with the emotions this stirs up is always difficult.

Every step taken is a step towards what they all came here looking for

- a better family life.

Whilst the route to harmony at home may take in some rough terrain,

only by sticking together will they find their own path.

-Maybe if we walk faster, we'll get there quicker?

-Nah, you're all right.

Think I'll take my time.

What, for you, is the success here? How do you define success?

Because, of course, in the physical sense it's much easier to see

if there's a dramatic change. In the emotional sense,

it's slightly harder to measure.

With Ciara and Siobhan, I know Ciara sets herself

some goals for the end of the week - to be nicer was her main goal.

What I'd like to see is more of that in Ciara.

I think we've started to see her

be a little bit warmer and nicer

and I think seeing even more of that by the end of the week

for me would be a success.

-Tie my shoe, please.

-Can you not tie it yourself?

It just comes out and then I have to bend over and fix my trousers.

You have to bend over? Oh, that's awful!

What should happen next with Cathy?

Cathy's been a star in my world, she really has.

She's been so open, honest, she's connected with her feelings

and thoughts, talked about them and wants to make the absolute best

of her time with me individually and in the group.

She's taken every opportunity, I think, within this week,

to learn new things and try to develop both within herself

-and then as a mum.

-I've got huge hope for that family.

I just think they need the real, practical guidelines

to really help make it all function.

Lastly, onto the colourful Crillys.

I think Andrea has become a very good thinking mum in the work

-that I've done with her...

-She speaks very well.

..and is prepared to think things through

and wants to think things through and wants to do the best

for her two girls and son.

I think there's a huge amount of love in that family.

It's just become muddled and difficult

because of the personality differences,

but there's a huge amount of emotion between them all

that's electric.

You fading, Ciara?

-Dyin'.

-No, you're not.

We're nearly there. It's just over there.

Road! Beautiful road! Long way from the mud!

# Follow the yellow... Follow, follow, follow

-# Follow the yellow brick road! #

-Mummy!

-Don't start me. I'm not in the mood.

-Oh, Chloe!

I have to go to the toilet.

Having put some beautiful country miles behind them,

one by one the families arrive.

Chloe, go and see if you can give me a cup of tea, please.

-Where?

-Chloe, calm down. I'm only asking you for tea,

not a Chinese.

But there's no time to rest,

they all need to get their tents up before it gets dark.

Get round this side and pull the blue material.

Put that one into there. Beautiful!

-Blazes!

-Four of us!

Have to make another one.

No, YOU don't!

No, I'm just annoyed at her because she's done nothing, Mum.

While we're breaking our backs.

-Chloe.

-What?

# Welcome home... #

-Mummy, shut up.

-# Welcome home... #

-Shut up!

It was easy enough once you got the main poles in.

Once the sleeping bags an' all's in, it might be all right.

With sleeping arrangements sorted,

everyone's ready for a hot meal and a sit down.

The warmest thing I've touched all day.

Amanda's keen to find out how the families have got on.

Hello, folks! Mind if I join you in this lovely mountain restaurant?

LAUGHTER

-How's it going? How was the walk?

-Hard work.

-Hard work?

-Yeah.

-You don't know the meaning of hard work!

-It was really good.

-Was it really good?

-It was.

-What was the best thing about it?

-Getting here!

-What about you, Cathy, how did you get on?

I didn't like it. I just didn't like walking, you know,

-but I was glad I done it.

-Not even with the scenery?

Scenery was beautiful. It's just the walking!

But it was nice to do something as a family, you know,

-and we did it.

-No major arguments?

-ALL: No.

-No, no?

-Peace and harmony! And what about getting the tents up?

-Hard!

-Hard!

-But we got there. We got there.

-Good.

It seems all the effort they've been putting in during the week

is paying off. Happy but exhausted, it's not long

before everyone's tucked up for the night.

SNORING

With at least one of the group having had a good night's sleep,

they're back at base and ready for the day ahead.

Raman has a group session planned,

which involves all the parents and all the teens

and Cathy's giving Rachel a heads-up on what to expect.

Yous would really need to talk

because we're drained wi' talkin' to him.

Got nothing left to say to people.

See, once you speak to him... he sits like this, right...

and he sits like this...

and he flicks his tie.

And while he's flicking his tie, the wee ball starts to roll and everything, and mammy'll say...

It's just that first moment when you walk in.

Oh, no, then the silence stops again. Then we've got this complete silence. It seems for hours.

-There's like five-minute gaps in-between everything.

-More than five!

Raman doesn't usually work with younger people

so today's family group is a new experience for him too.

Well, this is a chance for me to meet everybody.

And a chance for everybody just to say what they think and feel about being here.

I just wonder whether one of the biggest things everybody's learnt

is that parents have got feelings and children have got feelings?

People have seen another side maybe of their parents as well?

Mum's not stressed out.

It's like when you're not stressed, we're not stressed.

I haven't even felt that stressed out this week that much.

The friction between sisters Naomi and Rachel is ever present.

I don't think me and Naomi are ever really going to get along.

-You're not?

-No.

Because you don't even try. All you do is criticise.

People have to handle a little bit of criticism in life, like.

I know they do, Rachel, but you do it for no reason.

When I say something, you just completely say the opposite.

-I'm just saying what I think.

-Well, don't. You don't have to say what you think all the time.

Really?

Do you not know when you hurt people's feelings?

-Or do you just not care?

-I'm just saying what I think.

But you don't have to say what you think all the time.

-I want to say it.

-Well, don't say it!

I hate people who stress out about nothing.

Naomi is everything I don't like in a person.

All in one. So I can't stick her altogether.

Did you have to say that? Really?

Well, I can't take it back now.

You're trying your freaking damnedest to put me down.

In the house you say exactly what you feel like saying.

I'm talking about now when we're trying to change and you put me down constantly.

Well, you try and change. I'm just doing what I think.

I mean, if someone said that to me I wouldn't have reacted like that.

-Really, Rachel?

-It depends who said it. If she said it, maybe not.

-But if I said it, I'm sure it would.

-I wouldn't be crying.

You cried your face off a couple of days before we came here because he said he hated you.

Yeah, I cried. Everyone cries.

-I never said I hated anyone.

-You said you didn't like her.

At times.

As the group has witnessed, it doesn't take much to spark a row between the sisters.

Rachel definitely knows what buttons to press

to get a reaction from anybody in this house.

Maybe apart from Josh, who doesn't react to her any more.

He used to, but not any more.

She's changed very much. And I kind of see her as a drag on the family,

that if Rachel were to be changed,

I think that this family would be so much better.

Following the public outburst the family has withdrawn to the privacy of their cabin.

What did I ever do?

-I just don't like your personality.

-But why?!

-There's always a reason!

-If I was going to say what I think, I might as well be honest, like.

And not...try to hide it.

There's people out there going to see what you really are like.

-People are going to see...

-Because you're a wee delicate baby.

OK, time-out. Stop. Stop. That's not going to get us anywhere. Stop.

You can get lunch and I'm going to think of a suitable punishment.

-A suitable punishment?

-Excuse me.

-I can cry too.

-I know you can cry. You're not as hard as you let on.

So if I cry right now will I not get a punishment?

-Oh, you will get a punishment.

-Because I said, "Really?"

You can't be mean to people just to make yourself feel better.

I wasn't. I wanted to put my point across and I don't do it very well. I don't do it.

You apologise for being so insensitive.

I apologise for being so insensitive.

And think about it, Rachel. Think about how you treat people.

No, I take it back. Sorry, I'm not doing that.

Right. Well, we're going to lunch.

Rachel, you can stay here and think about what you've learned this week.

Mummy said she thinks she's changed over the week,

and has not been stressed out, and I said, "Really?"

Because she's been so stressed out and she's been so mean this week and I didn't agree with it.

And then apparently I'm just some bad guy,

cos I said what I think. Mum told me to open up more

and I did, and I get punished for it?

A follow-up session with Raman lets Andrea reflect

on just how far she's come this week.

I'm glad it happened here, before we went home.

I got to practise.

Yes, in a very real way!

You really had to see if your thinking self was going to work.

Yeah. I was a bit scared for a moment

because the emotions just went right up to here.

And then it was, "What if nothing comes?" You know?

-But it did.

-But you were able to sit with it.

-Yeah.

And we've talked about that here, rolling with the punches.

It's that new idea, that new kind of skill really

that you've kind of perhaps learnt here.

And then, you know, the other parents were looking at me

and I think everybody was waiting for me to respond.

Because it was so horrible.

But I didn't want to add my emotions to the mix.

Because I've known from past experience that that creates chaos.

As the retreat nears its end, it's important that, like Andrea,

everyone focuses on what they've learned to prepare for the reality of life back home.

To help with this process Rachel has an assignment for them.

What I would like you to each do is to write a letter to your family.

I want you to think back over the last week.

And let the rest of your family know what you've noticed about them

that you think has really made a difference.

'The letter writing task is about giving the families time for reflection.'

So them thinking about all they've achieved throughout the week,

and then thinking what that might lead to in the future.

So if you pass these round.

'I'm also hoping what the task will do is help them all notice

'the changes in each other. So by writing the changes down,'

I'm hoping that will help maintain change within the family.

Armed with pen and paper, they head back to their cabins.

The teens, as it turns out, put off the job until tomorrow.

But the parents are keen to make a start tonight.

"Dear family, I have really enjoyed spending the last week with each one of you."

"Chloe and Beano, I am so proud of you both for what you have achieved this week."

"I hope that one day I will not only be your mother, but also your best friend.

"I love you today and always. Mummy."

Next time, have Ciara and Siobhan gained a new level of trust?

-You won't let me fall?

-No.

Rachel's letter is a revelation.

"I know I can seem hard-hearted and mean, but I don't mean what I say."

And for all three families -

it's back to the reality of home life.

As I came here last week, I came into the unknown.

So I'm going back into the unknown now.

# Back to life

# Back to reality. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd