Episode 4 Fix My Family

What happens to our cute kids? One minute they're sweet and adorable...

and before you know it they have morphed into moody teenagers...

-It's useless.

-..struggling with the challenges of adolescence...

INDISTINCT ARGUING

..leaving their parents wondering exactly where did they go wrong?

SHOUTING

The situation is bad enough.

You just said you weren't hungry! What do you mean you don't know?

-You know exactly what you're doing, Chloe.

-Hey, hey!

Rachel...

These three families are suffering serious teen trouble.

Desperate for change, they've signed up for a week-long retreat

away from their usual routines and home comforts

in a bid to turn their lives around.

The location, Newcastle, County Down, where an expert team awaits.

Together they will push them to their limits...

-We're supposed to be doing this together.

-I don't care.

..in an attempt to rebuild their confidence

and their relationships.

But can they step up to the challenge

-and grasp this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity?

-SHOUTING

So far on the retreat, work has been intense...

-I don't want to be treated like this.

-I just feel as if it's all my fault now.

I can't do all of it at once.

-..sometimes rewarding...

-I wanted to do that, get the aggro out of you.

-..and rarely dull.

-There we go, we got it.

Mum Cathy and stepdad Beano

are here to tackle Chloe's ever-worsening behaviour.

-I showed it to you yesterday.

-You did not show it to me yesterday.

Did you sign the daybook?

With younger brother and sister Rhys and Orla around

and the fact that Chloe and stepdad Beano often don't get on,

home life is hectic.

I can't take it.

They have their daddy here and I don't know where mine is.

But already this week there are big signs of progress between the two of them.

THEY LAUGH

Between Siobhan and middle daughter Ciara

there is little or no communication.

-What are you doing now?

-Washing my hands!

And things here haven't been a whole lot better.

-Come with me and do this.

-Shut up.

-Ciara!

Shocked to find out what Ciara really thinks of her...

I didn't realise how fake she thought I could be.

..Siobhan is facing up to the fact

that she is a big part of the problem.

Constant fighting between sisters Naomi and Rachel

forced mum Andrea to give up her bedroom to keep them apart.

It's only a three-bedroom house, so I sleep down here on the sofa,

for about a year now.

She's always complaining about it, like it's uncomfortable and stuff,

but it keeps me and Rachel from fighting.

Joshua has a ringside view of his sisters' extreme behaviour.

They know what they're doing,

it's just that they don't know how to control themselves.

-And this week has not been without its issues.

-What is the big deal?

Last night, halfway through the week, there was a surprising

change of mood which caught everyone a bit off guard.

I just want to be, like, nicer to everyone.

So it'll be easier for everyone else.

Past the midway point in the week now,

and the mood in the cabins is reflective.

Siobhan and Ciara have had something of a breakthrough.

Around the campfire last night was very good.

She just said she wanted to be happy,

so it's up to herself and me and the whole family to try and get there.

Feeling settled into life here, the Crillys would happily stay.

-You were good this morning.

-Kind of sad it's coming to an end, though.

We've kind of developed like a neighbourhood here

and this has become a daily routine

and it's going to be just as hard to leave here

as it was to come here in the beginning.

And Cathy feel surprised at how different things feel already.

We come here a few days,

and for the work myself and Beano and Chloe has put in,

the results... We're not fixed,

but from last Friday we're a changed family.

The three of us have changed. As people.

And it's that change that these families need

to improve their relationships.

It's become very clear that it's not simply down to the teens

to change their behaviour, it's the adults too.

Today's sessions are an opportunity for the parents

to expand on the positive mood.

As parents, sometimes most valuable advice is the most practical advice.

So for that we've brought in another expert,

Pip Jaffa, who runs Parenting NI,

and what she's going to do is really work with the families

to give them those practical parenting strategies

that I think they really need.

-The generation seems to have changed so much.

-Yes.

From our generation to our children's generation.

-We would never, never have disrespected our parents.

-Right.

And one of the interesting things about respect

is that if you want it - and we all want to be respected -

is that we have to give it.

And teenagers look for that.

Most of the time, it's just rows. Nobody is respecting anybody else.

People are saying horrible things to each other most of the time.

Yes, I can see exactly what you're saying there,

because if we're all constantly at each other's throats, you know...

I'm not giving them respect either. And they're not giving it back.

And when there are a lot of rows,

it's very difficult to break that cycle.

It's trying to get a little chink where we can say

they've done something nice or something good.

If I said to you, Cathy, what have you noticed recently

that Chloe has done that is good or you were pleased with?

We've come here. Definitely. There's a change.

She still has her wee moments, like, but I'm not pushing.

And that sounds as if YOU'VE made a change.

-Yeah.

-Which is so good. And if you make a change,

then the child or the teenager begins to change too.

It's simple, reassuring advice. Parenting teens is tough,

but taking a firm lead is the first step to harmony at home.

And channelling the teenagers' energy into something fun

and constructive is a great way of relieving tensions.

This week's activities aim to build self-confidence,

which is essential for these teens who have come here

believing that they are the cause of their families' problems.

Waterproofs, check.

Lifejackets, check.

It's time to hit the water.

SQUEALING

Leading this canoeing mission

is outdoors activities expert Ian Bailey.

We've got to turn left, we've got to turn left. Look at that!

Very nice, very nice.

Keep going, keep going, keep going!

SQUEALING

Stop!

Back a bit, back a bit, back a bit.

We'll head for the steps.

Pulling together as a team like this is a relief

from the problems and pressures of home life.

Do you think this week's making any kind of difference for you?

Yeah, we are actually getting on better here than we would at home.

-So it's different.

-Class! How about yourself, Chloe?

-I don't know.

-I notice you get on better with your mum and Beano.

-Yeah. It's true.

There's not as much tension between everyone.

Reverse, reverse!

Away from the watchful eyes of their parents,

the teenagers are able to be themselves

and behave as any self-respecting teen would,

given a lake and a paddle.

LAUGHTER AND SQUEALING

It's a far cry from the conflicts at home.

Since becoming a teenager,

Ciara has found it increasingly difficult to relate to her mum.

We don't have the best relationship.

Communication can be very poor at times.

-Ciara?

-I'm going to bed before I go out.

-You're going to bed?!

-Before I go out, yeah!

You couldn't imagine being able to talk to me?

I could talk to you if I wanted to, but I don't.

Clearly, Ciara doesn't respond well to Siobhan's current approach.

Perhaps parenting expert Pip will be able to help.

Obviously my children actually do think

that I don't really have that much interest

in what they're doing, which isn't true, of course.

But I mustn't give them that feeling

that they CAN come to me with just everything.

-So that sounds like something that you could maybe work on a bit.

-Yeah.

"I don't think I'm supporting you in the right way.

"What way would you like that support?"

So they come back to tell you

what it is you could do in the way that suits them.

I thought about giving the girls individual time with me

on their own.

Because really because of all the difficulties with Ciara,

she has been getting most of my attention.

And everything's been revolving around what's going on with her,

and it's affecting the other two girls, you know.

And that way they would all have sort of time with me on their own.

Already Siobhan has identified practical steps she can take

to bring her family together.

And it will be the same kind of practical steps

which could benefit Cathy and Beano.

Chloe has said she often feels unfairly blamed

and would like less shouting in the house.

SHOUTING

No! That's enough! Enough is enough!

And then look at the whole ruckus, Chloe.

You know exactly what you're doing, Chloe.

Though Cathy and Beano are often at a loss

as to how to handle Chloe, short of shouting.

Straight-talking Pip will tackle this head-on.

The one issue we're going to try and sort out is stopping shooting.

-This is a big ask.

-It's the only way that we can get through to Chloe.

-But you're not getting through, Cathy, it's not working.

-I know.

Now I know, because through the week, I'm realising that.

Could you say something to her like,

"Do you want to take yourself up to your room for five minutes,

"and when you are calmer, come down?

"I see you're angry. I hear you're angry.

"When you come down," you know, "I'm not talking to you

"when you're shooting."

I would usually do that, but she gets worse.

And at that point, Cathy, if you can say...nothing.

A very strong message - "I'm not talking to you when you're shouting.

"Take yourself off, and when you calm down, I'll talk to you."

Cos this shouting is the thing

that seems to be creating a lot of upset in the house.

It is.

So it's a bit about giving yourself the badge to say "I am in charge."

"I am a parent and I am in charge." One last sort of thought.

What do you do together that's fun? Can we be thinking maybe of that?

-We'll go to bingo or something.

-There you go! There you go!

It's a familiar message -

life should be fun, at least some of the time.

And Amanda's got something planned for the parents

as a reward for their morning's work.

One of the activities we've got here at Greenhill is a zip wire.

A very zip wire. So I'm going to let all the adults have a shot.

It might work, it might fall flat on its face, I don't know,

but it's going to be good to see.

Embracing everything that's been throughout this week,

-Cathy is looking invincible.

-I'm going first.

-You're going first?

It's going to be brilliant.

Clip this metal thing to your chest.

Deep breaths, Cathy, bend your knees. Step forward and away you go.

That's it. Excellent.

WHOOPING AND CHEERING

Yee-ha!

I'm coming back.

Magic!

-What's your name?

-Andrea.

-Andrea, OK.

Pretty easy. This is just to stop you leaving the platform.

Fourth-best thing that could have happened to me.

Apart from the three children.

Just step. You just bend your knees slightly.

He taps you on the head and just... away you go.

I know you're afraid of heights, Beano, you know what I mean?

See once you get to the top...?

I'm not even thinking of it, I'll be thinking about the ground.

-What was it like?

-Terrible.

I've have done this a load of times before, it's not a problem.

-All right?

-Not to be outdone by the women, he's off.

-Everybody's afraid of something.

-They are. That really scared me.

I am so brave, aren't I, standing down there watching them, laughing.

-You're fine. Just take your time.

-Last up is Siobhan.

And she's loving it!

SQUEALING

LAUGHTER

Back at base, it's time for the team's group session

with clinical psychologist Dr Rachel Andrew.

Six different colours of sand represent six different emotions.

Rachel wants the teams to think about how they actually feel

when they're having a serious argument,

that they're not simply angry,

and show that potentially complex mixture of emotions

by layering the sand in jars.

So we've got some jars of emotions there.

Who wants to just talk me through theirs...

first of all?

Mine's, I tried to level the sadness with anger,

then it, like, leads to frustration and annoyed as well.

And so, when your emotions are like that,

what sort of things are you likely to do?

If it's between me and Rachel, like, lash out and hit,

because I'm frustrated and angry.

Because Naomi and Rachel's endless arguments

take up so much of their mum's time,

Josh often feels there's little time left for him.

Naomi takes up a lot of time with Mum

and Rachel would take...

..other things and, obviously I would take what's left of it,

but Mum has, which is still a fair bit, but then,

-I still feel like I get the remains of what's left of everything.

-Ah.

Rachel used to go round the house,

saying Mum loved Josh more than she loved us

and he gets more attention than anybody.

-I used to say it.

-Yes, you just...

-Not any more, for a long time.

Oh, whatever.

SHE SIGHS

When you argue at home, does it sound like this?

Louder.

Louder, OK.

Because I was going to say I think you're doing a great job

of just discussing this.

I can see all of these emotions coming up

whilst you're talking about something

that's a really sensitive issue for all of you.

Tell me about your jar, then.

Um, I get frustrated with fights.

But then I get, like, really annoyed.

Sometimes I think the fights are not needed,

or some of the crying's not needed, or... But people are saying

I'm just stupid and then I'm getting really angry with that.

Right.

So in your jar, you've got only a little bit of sadness in there.

I'm more, like angry and annoyed than I would say sad,

-in an argument.

-And when your jar's full like that,

then what types of things would we see you do?

Sometimes I'd just crack up and go mental and start throwing things...

And for you, Chloe, were there things that Josh and Naomi

and Rachel and even Ciara have said that you think,

well, that's a bit like me?

Well, it could be that way, but me too, because I do,

for a while... throw things off walls and...

..kick things and punch them.

And in terms of your jar...

..it's just a whole lot of confusion, you just feel confused?

When you do it, but then you calm down and you don't even remember it.

Right.

'For Chloe, her jar says it all.

'It's just a load of confusion.

'What I'm wondering with Chloe is if it just will take, really'

a bit more work for her to try to understand the situation she's in.

Now 13, Chloe was diagnosed

with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder

when she was six.

Rachel wants to help Chloe feel more in control of her own behaviour.

I suppose when I've met young people who've got ADHD,

sometimes they find it hard to concentrate

and they're a bit impulsive,

so they might think of doing something

and just do it straight away.

-And talking about different things and all?

-Yes.

I was wondering about this as an idea.

Some traffic lights.

Right.

Because what I think sometimes happens is you go straight away

from wanting to do something to doing it.

So the traffic lights stand for different things.

The red one being...

..stop. This one is for...

thinking.

So, say when you next feel angry,

this would pop into your head,

just stop for a minute.

Have a think about what it is that you're going to do next.

And then make a choice about what you're going to do.

Say your mum said something to you and she wound you up,

you might be thinking, right, stop.

What am I going to do about it?

And what would be your choices, do you think?

-Be cheeky because she's cheeky back to me.

-Mm-hm.

I guess there'd be some other choices in there.

You could ignore...

Or, do as you're told?

-I get the point.

-LAUGHS

Next time you feel you're going to lose your temper and be cheeky,

just to think of this, stop sign.

I just want you to try

-to put in a couple of seconds where you have a think about it.

-Right.

Getting to know Chloe over the week, Rachel Andrew has another idea

which might just help improve Chloe's behaviour.

I'm going to go down now and see Cathy.

I'm going to give her a chart

and what I'm hoping that chart will do is put the whole family

on red-alert for the changes that Chloe wants to make.

I'm just hoping by them praising Chloe and encouraging her,

that's really just going... going to help Chloe along

and really help her achieve the goals that she's set herself.

-Hiya, Cathy.

-Hi, Rachel.

-When I talked to Chloe...

-Yeah.

..she'd said that, by the end of the week,

she wanted to be a bit calmer,

she wanted to be helpful,

she wanted to talk nicely to people,

-and she wanted to listen more.

-Right.

And what I wanted to do is really put you, as a family,

-on red-alert for that...

-Right.

..for any of these four things,

with the idea that it will encourage Chloe to do it more,

the more people are noticing and saying, "Oh, I noticed you were calmer."

-Yeah.

-Or, "You've been really helpful there, Chloe."

Each time you notice Chloe doing one of these things,

-you let her know, and then just add a star to the sky, here.

-Right.

Just there, so that when Chloe comes in,

she'll be able to notice the amount of stars that's gone on it.

Yeah, I think so. So, I'll leave the stars with you, then,

-and you can explain it to Chloe, as well.

-No bother. Thank you, Rachel.

Chloe's stepdad, Beano, is with clinical psychologist Raman,

reflecting on his own behaviour

and making a revelation which Raman believes

could be having a huge impact on his relationship with Chloe.

There have been some times, she might have done something wrong,

and I've roared at her, do what I mean?

That's how, maybe, Chloe felt distance,

because she was scared when I roared, or something.

I did say, "Chloe, I'm only looking out for you, love.

"Do you know what I mean? I'm not a big, bad wolf, or something.

"I'm only there to help you."

I've got my own flat, and at times, I just said,

"I've had enough," and I've went over to the flat

and just sat there, drinking, you know what I mean?

-So, your flat, really, is your escape hatch?

-Yeah.

And then I've got my daughter and my granddaughter living in the flat.

Oh, you have a family from other...

-Past relationships.

-Ah. Right.

So there would be lots of things for Chloe to be jealous about, with you?

I can't say jealous, because my daughter...

my older daughter treats Chloe, anyway, as her younger sister,

things like that,

and they would come up, anyway, to the house, you know? So...

Even just, I guess, in terms of helping you manage Chloe

when you go back home, I think one of the things

is keeping in mind that Chloe has maybe lots of reasons

to see you in a completely different light

to how you're positioning yourself.

You want to be her father and you want to give her the best,

but from her point of view,

she's got to share you with so many people,

so she's got a lot of stuff going on there

before she can come out and relate to you properly.

It will take a while... It might never happen.

It might never happen.

But as long as she knows, like, I was there.

With Beano beginning to understand how Chloe might feel,

he is one step closer to building a better relationship with her.

While the adults are being encouraged to face up to their parenting duties,

Dr Rachel Andrew is keen that sisters Naomi and Rachel

take responsibility for THEIR behaviour,

and she's got footage shot by their brother Josh to help.

I wanted to meet with the two of you, together,

because it seemed like the difficulties with your relationship

are having a knock-on effect into the whole family,

and I wanted to start by showing you the two of you arguing,

and for you to give me your thoughts about it.

'You see, I have my problems,

'I'm stressed, and Michael says...

'Settle down.'

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

'Rachel, she's very stressed.

'Oh, my gosh.

'I'm sticking to my...'

SHE SOBS

-Shall we stop?

-Yeah.

It seemed that there was a moment, watching that,

when you could have made a choice to leave,

but you were choosing to stay at the table instead.

Because I wanted to talk her out,

like, to figure out why I wasn't allowed to stay.

Rachel always has to be in... When I'm talking about my problems,

or being stressed out, Rachel always has to come in

and sit down and listen to everything I have to say.

It's just the way you reacted when I sat down.

All you had to do was say. You didn't have to shout and cry.

Yeah, because every time you do come in, you make faces

and you make comments and you tell me to wise up,

and that's exactly why I didn't want you to come in and sit down.

-I wasn't even going to do that.

-You DID do it, Rachel.

-I didn't do it.

-You did.

-I came in and sat down and didn't even speak.

I said in the video, "Stop pulling faces."

You would like Naomi to try to calm things down a bit?

Yeah, everything's such a big deal, and it's not.

I get so upset, I don't know what to do to calm myself down,

so I end up just screaming or punching stuff,

or something like that.

But why does someone get on like that? Over such small things?

Hmm. I was wondering if that's kind of how it is for you both, in life.

Maybe, over these next days to come, then,

we look out for Naomi being a bit calmer.

If you notice Naomi being a bit calmer,

I think it would be great if you could let her know that you've noticed that.

And then, I guess, if they are times when you're feeling stressed,

if you were able to say to Rachel, "I need some time on my own,"

and if you say that, and you then notice Rachel going along with what you've said,

you might tell her how much you appreciated that.

So maybe we just see how those things go along over the next few days.

-CATHY:

-Do you know, this is priceless, what we've had this week, priceless.

We'll never probably get this opportunity again. Never.

I've learnt a lot about myself, I've learnt a lot about Beano,

and I've certainly learned a lot about my daughter.

-But now we are in control.

-Yeah, that's the difference.

You know that's true, we are in control.

-I'm not going to let Chloe be in control of me.

-Mm-hm.

She has to learn that, when she does wrong,

there has to be consequences.

It'll be parenting time when we go back,

and not rushing into things.

It'll just be friends so far.

I'm making a bit progress myself, I can feel.

Everything that happens is about me and Ciara,

and the other two are sort of pushed to the sidelines and left out of it,

so I need to try and break that cycle between Ciara and I,

and concentrate more on the family as the four of us,

instead of just me and Ciara.

You know, they have to start taking responsibility

for what they do, how they treat each other.

THEY CHEER

'..but they can be together, and they have to manage that.

'You know, I suppose, for me, it's remembering to use my head more,

'rather than them leading me round by my emotions.

'We need to feel a sense of achievement sometimes, too,

'because teenagers are very good at making you feel like a failure,

'and where do we get our sense of achievement from?

'How do WE feel good about ourselves?'

Next time, it's back to square one for Naomi and Rachel.

-I'm not trying to be.

-But you are trying.

You're trying your frickin' damnedest to put me down.

-Chloe scaled new heights...

-Come on, Chloe.

-Ohhh!

-Come on!

..and Siobhan bares her soul.

Because I really want it to work. I want things to get better.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd