Episode 3 Fix My Family

What happens to our cute kids?

One minute they're sweet and adorable.

Before you know it, they've morphed into moody teenagers.

He's just useless.

Struggling with adolescence...

Get out of my fucking room!

Leaving their parents wondering exactly where did they go wrong?

Just piss off!

Sat down, can't keep her knickers on.

Just shut up!

These families are suffering serious teen trouble.

Desperate for change, they've signed up for a week-long retreat

away from their usual routines and home comforts

in a bid to learn their lives around.

The location, Newcastle, County Down,

where an expert team awaits.

Together they will push them to their limits.

I'll fucking have you fucking bastards!

In an attempt to rebuild their confidence

CHEERING

and their relationships.

But can they step up to the challenge

and grasp this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity?

Aaarrrghhh!

Already on this week-long retreat, tensions have run high.

-Right foot forward.

-Right foot?

-There's no point getting cross.

-Oh my God!

What you going to do?

Having to work together and cooperate has resulted in rows...

-It's all about Chloe!

-It's all about you!

It's nothing to do with me! It's nothing to do with us. We're not on no diets.

-..tears...

-Didn't think it was going to be as hard as what it is.

..and tantrums.

Leave me alone!

-Just let me hold on to you properly.

-Oh my God!

And professional therapy sessions have laid emotions bare.

Shouldn't the best connection you have be with your mother?

For Chloe, mum Cathy and stepdad Beano

this is a chance to work on what causes all the aggro at home.

-Why you sitting up here?

-GET OUT!

Chloe finds home life tough.

With younger sister Orla and little brother Reece

Chloe often feels unfairly blamed

and angry strops are a part of daily life.

The reality of not being in touch with her own dad

plays on Chloe's mind,

meaning her relationship with Beano is often strained.

I can't take it that them two have their daddy and I don't know where mine is.

I tell him to get the hell and go up to my room. Slam the door and then start booting myself.

Mum Siobhan and daughter Ciara haven't got on for years.

And communication between the two is practically non existent.

-Come and sit in here.

-I don't want to!

-Why?

-Cos I don't like you.

-Look, Ciara.

-You don't like me?

-No.

Siobhan is desperate to see the fun side of Ciara again

and hopes that this week she'll learn how to get the best out of her troubled teen.

Desperate to stop warring sisters Naomi and Rachel

from tearing the whole family apart,

mum of three Andrea and son Josh,

worn down by the constant fighting...

-Why can't you just get out?

-No!

..long for harmonious home life.

I don't have any emotions any more.

Because if they're emotional I'm emotional. It'll collapse.

It's a new day.

But familiar problems for mum Cathy.

Chloe's in bad form this morning. She's wanting to go home.

-I do want to go home.

-What do you want to go home for?

-I don't want to stay here.

-Why?

-Just don't.

-You know what I think it is?

There's no TV in my room and that's not fair.

We're not here to watch TV.

-I told you...

-That's not fair!

You aren't here for a holiday.

-It's a good thing.

-It's not a good thing.

-It is a good thing.

-No, it isn't!

I didn't say a thing, Chloe. I just said a tiny thing.

That's all.

-Is it getting too much for you?

-Aye. Too much stress.

-What's the struggle, what's the stress?

-Just stressed.

You don't think I'm stressed?

Chloe's diagnosed attention deficit disorder

means she has a short attention span

and suffers from mood swings.

Cathy is desperate to convince Chloe why it is they've come on this retreat.

This is our time, me, you and Beano. Family time.

Some family this is!

Family time!

BOTH SHOUT AT ONCE

I'm not doing the outdoor pursuits. I'm not doing it.

Chloe's refusal to do outdoor pursuits leaves mum Cathy feeling powerless.

You don't think right when it's early in the morning

and she's arguing and fighting and going on at you.

You to try to reason with her.

I'm going to leave her now, see if she calms down. See what way she'll be.

-SIGHING:

-Teenagers!

The various issues between family members

can be a source of constant stress.

Visiting expert Mike Radford specialises in relaxation techniques.

Today, Mike will show the group how to recognise the symptoms

and give them simple coping mechanisms.

In life, we all get a lot of problems.

You get problems in school.

We get problems at home.

And we get problems for the mums and dads at work.

You're on a constant state of alert.

Is Mum going to tell me off?

Are the kids going to say they're not going to bed on time?

Now all of these little scenarios are taking place in our lives.

If my daughter is about to argue with me, I'm ready for her.

But the problem is, she's ready for me as well.

It doesn't need to be that way.

So can I get you to close your eyes.

I'm going to close mine cos I find if I do it as well it's a bit easier.

So all I want you to do if you can,

just quietly be aware of your breathing.

I'm a psychotherapist but this is a specialised part of the work

where you do teach all clients how to relax

and how to just get some control

over their body symptoms

because when we're stressed most people think they are out of control.

Just hand on your stomach.

So breathe in for a count of five.

One, two, three, four, five.

Now breathe out for a count of six. One, two, three...

When we're in a stress situation,

essentially what happens, the fight flight operates.

The fight flight has been given to us in order to keep us all safe.

So whenever we are going into a fearful situation,

my heart will beat faster, my breathing will get a bit shallower.

But I'm ready to deal with whatever's going to come my way.

So what we will be showing our participants is when they are relaxed,

they will be able to cope with that.

OK, let's come back to the room again.

If we do that too long you'll fall asleep.

And that's a good thing to do

whenever we get anxious.

You have to practise it in order for it to work for you.

I know you're going to learn a lot of things here this week.

If you take this tour away with you, it will also help you

not only just this week but through your life.

Absolutely. My body's just in this state.

That's so relaxing, isn't it?

Yes!

While the parents are embracing these new techniques,

some of the teens look sceptical.

Next time Mummy starts to go off on one,

breathe.

-Just breathe.

-Right.

Despite just having done a relaxation class,

the squabbling between sisters Naomi and Rachel is ever-present.

What are you talking about, Rachel?

Let her speak, Naomi. That's rude. Don't do that.

-What you saying, Rachel?

-Nothing.

Breathe...

Sisters Rachel and Naomi have not got on for years.

How was your day, Rache?

Personality wise, Rachel is very different from her sister Naomi

and tensions between them often get out of hand.

As Rachel struggles to express how she feels.

Hey! Hey!

To me, stomping around and stuff

is my way of letting people know there's something wrong.

Because I can't really say it in words.

So it'll be my way of trying to tell you that I need to talk

but I can't say it, I don't know why.

I'm not good with that kind of thing.

After this morning's relaxation session,

a row erupted in the Crilley cabin

when Rachel challenged Naomi on the way she talks over her all the time.

Psychologist Rachel Andrew has been called to speak to Naomi

who is upset at having her behaviour called into question.

What's happening and what's going on? What's happening?

Mum and Josh all gang up on me at once.

Telling me what I'm doing wrong all the time.

Say I have to change.

Do all the stuff. I can't do all of it at once.

No.

Rachel just says, "Naomi, stop crying. There's no need for this."

-I just can't keep it in.

-Yeah.

It's just got a bit too much today.

What usually helps when you feel like this?

Just need to try and calm down.

How do you do that?

I don't even... After I start swearing and banging and stuff.

I just have to sit down and calm down.

When we start to feel angry,

what ends up happening is just adrenalin starts surging through our body.

And it's because in your mind you've perceived a threat

so this adrenalin is pumping through your body

and it's trying to prepare your body to either fight or to run away.

Even though Ramon said breathe and all.

It's really hard to get out of that state to do all this stuff.

To try and calm down.

I was trying to approach the subject very very gently.

Because Rachel had been up till two o'clock with me, very emotional.

Very hurt by what she perceived the way Naomi treats her.

Rachel has been mulling this over for a long time.

And she's now ready to say it.

And the timing just clashes.

-Wow. And I imagine it goes...

-Form zero to 100 in a second.

Right.

And that's what we deal with on a daily basis.

Clinical psychologist Ramon's morning session

is a chance for Andrea to share with the group

what's been happening between her daughters.

I was up till two o'clock this morning with Rachel.

She opened up and told me things that I didn't know. And...

I just went to bed with a big smile on my face.

You know, we've had that time.

And she felt she could talk to me,

cos Rachel usually just keeps things inside.

And of course it caused a big argument this morning

but it's good that it's out there.

And that Rachel feels that she can put words to the emotions now.

And not just be angry but not tell anybody why she's angry.

She's now putting words to it. And saying this is how I feel.

And it's not right that you treat me like this.

I don't want to be treated like this.

I'm hoping before the end of the week that'll happen for me too.

I've been waiting three years on Ciara talking to me.

It's going to be a long road for me because Chloe's only 13.

It might take me another three years.

-And we have to be OK with that.

-Have to be.

And relax!

That does take a lot of thought, you know.

Because you are all carrying around a lot of stuff.

Which then puts you in an agitated desperate state of mind.

I think that desperation is borne out of a sense of failure or inadequacy.

Which I think is part of parenting.

But if it's very intense

it can leave you feeling you got to get in there.

Whereas perhaps the best way is to back off, be thoughtful, be available.

And make sure I protect the emotional and physical availability.

I think there's two availabilities that you've described very well.

Quietly being available but also physically being available.

The therapy sessions everyone is taking part in are extremely insightful.

But outdoor pursuits can be as revealing.

Today's big outdoor challenge will be their toughest yet.

Provided they all get to the start point in one piece.

One of the big goals this week is that the families start working together

really well as a unit, cooperating and communicating well.

So we've chosen an activity of orienteering.

The weather's not great so I'm expecting a little bit of a kick back

but I do hope they show determination and work together.

Outdoor activities expert Ian Bailey

is taking the families deep into Tollymore Forest.

What we're going to do is let you run free in the forest a bit this afternoon.

We're going to give you some maps.

Teams will be given four different maps

to find four different letters which they must retrieve one at a time.

The letters spell the treat they will get later on.

So you have four different maps, four different letters.

Work out what the word is. Any questions?

A simple task with a simple goal

but will working with the nearest and dearest bring out all the usual tensions?

I would rather sit here in the rain. No!

Straight off, there's dissension in the ranks.

Come on with me and do this.

-Shut up.

-Ciara!

-I need your help to do it.

-I don't care!

Chloe's mum Cathy is back at base resting.

Which means it's down to her and stepdad Beano to work together.

I'm going to tell you something, we're going to win.

We don't have my mammy here. Seriously. I'd rather be back in with my mammy.

And with no fuss at all, the Crilley family take the lead and head off.

Ready? Away you go. Best of luck.

After some gentle persuasion from Beano,

Chloe decides to get involved.

A welcome turnaround on this morning's point-blank refusal to take part.

And Mum Siobhan is not taking no for an answer.

-I want you to come with me.

-Right, shut up and I'll go!

-Come on.

Fuck's sake!

It's not long before confusion leads to bickering amongst the Crilley family.

Is that not one? That's one there.

-It is but is that our one?

-What do you mean is that our one?

I think we should go this way.

Our circle's not at the bend.

So either the circle's wrong or we're wrong.

Everybody went in a different direction!

Do you think the map's upside down?

Once we get this first one we're going back.

Meanwhile Beano's not letting the rain dampen Chloe's spirits.

Around here. Keep your eyes open when we're walking round here.

Just in case we see one.

I see one!

And within no time, they find a flag.

There's a few. Can you reach it?

Bring them. They spell a word.

It's C-C-C.

With the flag and all the letters, they head back to Ian.

Hey! Do you want the bad news?

You guys have picked up every family's letter and the flag.

-You only need to pick up your own letter.

-You don't take the flag?

No, otherwise the next team won't see it.

-You're going to have to run back, stick that back.

-You didn't tell us!

OK, then, I'm going to knock you out when I get back.

Horses! Horsey horsey horsey!

-Do you think these things are on this track?

-I don't know.

Despite Siobhan's best efforts, Ciara's still not interested.

Do you want to have a look at the map and see if we've come too far?

-I'll keep walking.

-I don't know how to read maps!

Mum Siobhan has found the first letter but Ciara's had enough.

-We don't take that.

-I'm not doing any more.

I'm waiting till it's over and then I'm going.

-No, do the other ones with me, Ciara!

-No!

-Why?

-Cos I already told you I don't fucking feel well!

-We're supposed to be doing this together.

-I don't care.

Eventually the Crilleys do find a bunch of letters.

One. So we don't take the thing back, do you not?

Why, cos they need to see the letters?

However, victory is short-lived.

A map reading error means they've brought back the wrong letter.

We walked the whole way round. There was nothing there!

It's definitely there.

So you need to take that one back, go and put your A back down.

-And head up the way you were.

-Why did no one believe me?

-MAN:

-What's wrong with you?

-She says she feels sick.

-I said I'm going to be sick.

-Do you just want to sit there?

-Yeah.

Do you want me to do it on my own or stay with you?

-You can do it.

-I will do what you want me to do.

-Just do it. Just do it.

-Is that what you want me to do?

Just bloody do it. Do you think I'd be saying that if I didn't want you to?

-I just want to make sure.

-OK. Go. I'll sit here.

I'm a bit annoyed that Ciara is not actually doing this with me.

We're supposed to be doing it as a family.

So you just wonder is she genuinely sick

or is she using an excuse cos she doesn't want to do something with me.

I don't know.

This is what the problem is. I don't know.

It's all got too much for mum Andrea,

who's decided to bail out of the challenge.

And if Mum's not doing it, neither is youngest daughter Rachel.

Taken one we thought was one, to be told to take it back again.

To go find the right one.

No, no.

I'll go and search, shall I?

Not happy but not given up, it's down to brother and sister team Naomi and Josh

to finish the challenge together.

-We've been there.

-He says, "It's definitely there." It's not there.

Although Chloe and Beano had a false start,

remarkably they're getting on well.

Let me have the letters.

Thank you very much.

So... What letters you got so far?

C, A, E and I suppose we're looking for K.

Yeah, you might well be.

Against all the odds, Chloe and Beano have finished the task.

Ours must spell cater, caters. Cos we were there twice.

Not a letter there. There's no letter anywhere.

Having given it her best shot, Naomi too has thrown in the towel.

In the end, Chloe and Beano are the only family unit to complete the orienteering challenge.

It's fair to say that the orienteering for some went down like a lead balloon

and for others showed the grit and determination to see it through.

And there really was a big separation within the families.

So it wasn't great. It was a challenge.

And I do think standing up and digging your heels in even when it's uncomfortable

is a really good skill to develop.

Chloe and Beano working together is a glimmer of hope in what is often a difficult relationship.

But for the Crilleys and Siobhan and Ciara,

it brought to the surface an inability to work with each other

when the going gets tough.

Ciara's unwillingness to communicate with her mum since being here

very much mirrors what life is like at home.

-You've got everything you need and you'll unpack later?

-Yeah.

Make your bed up later?

-Do you want to change your shoes or anything or are you happy enough?

-No.

-What are you doing now?

-SHRIEKS:

-Washing my hands!

Jesus Christ!

Figuring out how Ciara and her mum might best sort out their lack of communication

is key to them being able to move forward.

-Are you coming up for lunch?

-No!

-Come on up for some soup, Ciara.

-I don't want any.

You have to have something to eat. You've had nothing from this morning early.

That's what's wrong with you. Come on.

Ciara's first one-to-one session with Rachel Andrew

is a chance for Ciara to speak to someone impartial

about how she feels.

You know that had come up last time.

After I'd met you and Mum, I guess the things that I was interested in,

was just what's going on between you and Mum?

Why do you think things are so difficult between you and her?

It's just like I just don't want to talk.

Don't really trust each other.

-You think Mum doesn't trust you either?

-Yeah. I know she doesn't.

Right. How do you know?

Cos I just know. She said it to me before.

So when you think about yourself,

do you think you're just a normal teenage girl?

Just this is what everybody does?

I wouldn't say normal cos I don't really see anyone as normal.

-Right!

-Like everybody has something.

If you were to sum up your something?

I'm too quick to lash out over small things.

And I just hate school. I hate being told what to do.

My mum will tell me something and if she tells me

more than like twice or something,

or even sometimes just once, it depends on how she says it,

I go immediately, no, I'm not doing it, like.

-Cos she just told me to.

-Right.

She always says we can talk now but I don't know, I just don't.

I don't really see a need. It'll just be uncomfortable.

Right.

I have my friends to talk to.

I don't need to talk to her about things.

Frustrated at Ciara's unwillingness to communicate with her,

Siobhan is with Ramon, discussing what happened in the orienteering task.

You start to over-analyse everything.

And because when we got down there

and discovered what it was we were doing,

she knew that involved walking in the forest.

She knows that's something I like to do.

So consciously or subconsciously,

she didn't want to do it.

I automatically thought she didn't want to do it

because it's something she knew I would want to do.

So sabotaged you really, perhaps?

That's what she can do with you a lot. Sabotage your best efforts.

Yeah.

There has been definite positives from being here.

But there's still the huffiness in her that...

Determination in her wanting her own way,

you know, hasn't really changed.

Yet.

But that huffy her has a massive impact on you, of course.

Particularly when you want to give her your best efforts.

So there's something perhaps in the space between you and her

where she can't almost bear you and her getting on.

It's as if there's a her that has to sabotage it.

And kind of leave you feeling exasperated.

Which in itself must be hard to take that it's there.

Of course it's hard to take.

If your child's rejecting you

and you can't give her the help that she needs.

-Because she won't let you in there.

-Yeah.

You know, because I always give 100 per cent.

Or at least I try to always do my absolute best.

And I am absolutely not doing my best at raising Ciara.

I think quite understandably

there is this desperateness to connect with her

but perhaps the remaining days here

might be a way for you to experiment with being just totally cool.

Just totally backing off.

-And waiting to see how she kind of...

-Does she come to me?

Yes, yes.

The reality is I think that it does leave a legacy

of kind of people being wounded and tired

and rejected, upset.

And perhaps slowing things down can help you

just recognise that.

Backing off from Ciara as Ramon suggests

is a new approach for Siobhan

and one which might not come naturally to her.

Chloe's inability to sit with mum Cathy and stepdad Beano for any length of time

means they never get a chance to discuss the issues which trouble them.

-Come and sit with me.

-No.

You're going to start with me.

Whilst there have been improvements in the relationship between Chloe and Beano,

there are still tensions on both sides which have not yet been addressed.

Come on in, come and have a seat.

Their first family session with Rachel is a chance to do just that.

We're here now, like, and it's just what I want to find out

did I do anything wrong, Chloe?

Do you know what I'm trying to say?

Because every time I open my mouth it's...

Don't you talk to me, you're not my dad.

That's when I'm in a bad mood. I'm in a bad mood.

If something happened with a stranger I wouldn't do it.

It still hurts me, Chloe.

-It's just that I'm in a bad mood.

-Yeah.

I know but it hurts, you know what I mean.

I want to be there to be your daddy.

I can't be no one else.

Let me in, Chloe. I'm only here to help you, love.

-That's all.

-Even let me in! Even let me in!

Even if there isn't anything wrong, just talk to us.

I was wondering how, if we've got Beano and your mam in the room,

how they can help you with that?

Are there things you think they could change or do a little bit differently

that would help you to be more of the person you want to be?

-They have to listen to me.

-Right.

-Instead of me getting the blame and row it out and shut it.

-Yeah.

So you would like less shouting in the house. Feeling less blamed as well.

-Everybody sounds like...

-Because if they see everyone's rowing me it's panic.

-They're frightened. And so am I.

-You're frightened?

-You're scared?

-I'm scared of when he rows at you.

I'm sorry if that's how you feel.

But can I say something, Chloe? When you kick off I start...

It's just because you row at me and I feel bad about it.

See, when you kick off, they're my reasons.

When you're banging doors and kicking doors.

Because I'm in a bad mood when you row at me.

So you're saying Orla and Reece get frightened.

-They're terrified.

-They don't row at me.

Why would they be frightened? They don't row at me!

That's all the part of growing up, love. Trying to teach you right and wrong.

But you row loud. You shout really loud.

If the windows were open, the whole street could hear you!

When we go home, after this week's over,

we have to start as we mean to go on.

So it means we have to compromise, Chloe.

If I say no and it comes down that you disrespect me.

We're going to have to have a different way instead of shouting at you.

And if you don't listen once you just have to go to your room.

We're going to have to compromise some way.

What for you, Chloe,

do you think you could do differently that would make a difference?

I don't know.

I don't know.

To me it sounded like you'd made a great start by sitting here today

and trying to talk about some of these things.

I think that's something we need more often.

I'm hoping that you sit down and talk to me.

Just the way you done that today. I'm delighted.

Don't cry.

-You're delighted.

-Aye, I am.

Don't cry, Mum.

-Those look like proud tears.

-It is.

-I wanted her to do that. To get the anger out of her.

-Right.

-Cos I know there's a lot of anger in her.

-Yeah.

It's like getting to know one another better. Getting to understand.

-And Chloe's hair.

-We're getting under Chloe's hair.

The way she is.

The way she feels, the way she thinks, everyday thinking.

Just that wee step today with Rachel

that appears to have a big effect.

Knowing that she can express her feelings.

-That's what we wanted.

-And that's what we want, aye.

Progress surrounding the sensitive issues the families are dealing with this week is a fragile thing.

Having reached the midway point in the process

wellbeing expert Amanda has gathered the families together

for an opportunity to hear from them.

So we've got you round the campfire tonight for something quite special.

This what we're doing tonight is called a truth circle.

So when somebody's speaking there's no interrupting, you have to listen,

so when I pass the stick to somebody

they're going to speak the truth.

So my truth, if you like, is that

I believe each and every one of you has come a long way already.

But I think we aren't there yet.

I think a few of you have got this mask.

And the point of tonight is to try and leave that mask

and speak the truth in a very safe place

where we can all talk and listen.

Because the truth of the matter is all of us here

really really want this process to work.

And unless we can be absolutely honest with ourselves and other people,

it's difficult for that to happen.

I just want Ciara to know

that she is so special to me.

And I'll always be here for you, Ciara.

I'll be here when you want to talk to me.

When you don't want to talk to me.

I'll support you in every way that I can.

As a mother and as a friend hopefully.

And that you are such a shining bright light

to everybody who sees you.

And you don't always show it to me.

But I know it's there.

And I hope you'll let me in.

I just have a few words to say.

Just to let Chloe know that I'm not just her friend, I'm her daddy,

and I want you to know that.

It'll always be that way.

I'm not just your mammy's friend.

I'm your daddy too.

I'll always be your daddy.

And any time you want to come and talk to me, I'll be there.

I just want everyone to get along.

And just stop the fighting and the anger and the jealousy.

It can be so much better.

I want it to be so much better.

I'm glad I have a mam and a stepdad at home.

I have to try and get my behaviour against Beano too.

He's shown that he acts like a daddy.

And it's not fair for us to treat parents like with bad behaviour

and cursing and swearing and being cheeky.

I love... I just love my family.

I love my mammy and I have feelings for Beano.

So I just want to try and get a better family.

And I hope the rest of yous do too when we go back home.

Honestly, I think you're all so incredibly brave.

And I admire each and every one of you.

I think you're wonderful people.

Honestly, really enjoyed being here with you all.

And let's make the next few days really really special.

Next time, sisters Rachel and Naomi

get a glimpse of their own behaviour.

I'm sticking to my story.

-SCREAMS:

-Shut up!

Beano faces up to the blame game.

Chloe felt distance because she was scared when I rowed at her.

Both shut up!

And Cathy has one of the biggest highs of her life.

The best thing that could have happened to me.

Apart from the three children.

Holy fuck!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd