Ross's Story I'm Coming Out

This programme contains some strong language

I'm Ross. I'm 18, I'm gay and I want to come out to my parents.

But it's not an easy thing to do.

So, I came out to my dad.

He really only had three things to say to me when I came out to him.

And that was, I was dead to him,

he could never be more ashamed of me

and that he's moving out of the town we live in

because he doesn't want to live in a town where everyone knows

he has a faggot for a son.

Dad.

I'm kind of dashing all of your hopes and dreams, aren't I?

I would rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I'm not.

I've decided that if I get into university

and can move away from this small town

I'm definitely going to tell my parents

and I'm going to film it.

We cannot make the assumption that it's easy to be gay

in Britain in the 21st century.

My legs are shaking, I don't know what I'm doing.

It's almost like ripping off a plaster, you know?

It's going to be really hard,

but from that point on your entire life is going to change

-one way or another.

-Yeah.

I didn't think I was going to cry,

because I'm comfortable with who I am...

No, you sit there.

..but will my parents be?

What's going on?

Do you not think, being from around here,

it's all right when you're younger because it's a nice place to grow up

around, but then when you get to our age it's like, all you want to do is

-move away?

-Yeah, like you want to go to concerts and stuff

but it takes ages to get there and everything, so...

Well, we used to just sit on the walls and walk about.

Yeah. That's the only thing to do.

Or go to Tesco.

See ya.

-Thank you.

-I've known since I was five that I was different,

but I didn't know what being gay meant.

I just knew I fancied boys, and not girls.

Now I'm a teenager.

I know of a couple of other gay people in my hometown,

but I felt I had to keep my sexuality hidden.

Have you seen any of the coming out videos on YouTube,

celebrating sexuality and telling the world?

There's loads of it online.

And I've got friends who were scarred by their parents'

initial reaction, which was usually just a gut reaction.

75% of LGBT people say they can't be open about who they are.

We cannot make the assumption that it's easy to be gay

in Britain in the 21st century.

To get here it seems to be like there's one road in

and one road out. That's why it makes it feel so isolated.

Men do men jobs, and women are the ones who like, maybe,

stay at home and stuff. They just think a man should get married

to a woman.

I don't fit the type of, like, a man.

Obviously, like, being gay, for one.

People at school have always had an idea,

so they've maybe been scared or most have been my friend

if they're a boy, so it did feel a bit isolating

when I was going to school.

My dad and brother are both very sporty

and my dad coaches football and my brother

works in a barbed-wire factory.

I was into theatre and music, so that also made me a bit isolated.

I really want to move to a city,

so I've applied to Salford University

and the plan is I'll come out to my parents just before I leave.

I don't have a plan B.

But I know I won't be able to come out if I stay around here.

Getting into Uni will definitely give me the push to come out

because that's like my safety net,

I know that I'm moving away to somewhere that's more accepting.

The two are definitely linked - getting into Uni, and coming out.

In few days a it's my A-level results day

and like a lot of other people I'm scared and apprehensive

about what grades I'm going to get.

If I do get the right results I'll be going to university

and I'll come out.

I want to film myself coming out because those videos

that I've watched have helped me come to accept it.

I'm not really sure what the reason is, why I'm scared.

It might just be the things I've heard my parents say.

They'd probably prefer to have a straight son,

just cos life would be easier for them.

I sort of had moments where I feel as though I could say it and I've

actually turned around to say it,

and then it's like as if a wall comes

out and I don't know what it is that's stopping me.

I don't really like lying about being gay -

that's why I want to come out now, to stop the lies.

But first, I've got to get into Uni.

I thought I'd pressed record before but I haven't.

I was just lying in bed and I got a text off Salford Uni

saying, "Congratulations, we've confirmed your place."

I was expecting to have to wait till eight o'clock and then see that it

said I've been unsuccessful.

My legs are shaking, I don't know what I'm doing.

I think I was a bit in shock this morning

at the fact that I've got into university.

I'm still thinking that they're going to contact me

and say that it was a mistake.

I don't get how I've got in and it's just a relief knowing now

that I can come out and that it's actually going to happen and I'll be

moving somewhere where everyone's going to be different and accepting,

and I can finally move away from this town.

Oh, my God.

I don't believe it.

It's actually the best day ever.

Having a bit of trouble finding the hotel.

I've come to Manchester pride for the first time to celebrate.

-Can we go inside?

-Yeah.

-After you.

-Thank you.

James Barr is a radio DJ and TV presenter,

but even though he's really confident,

he thinks he messed up his coming out.

I feel really bad about it because I kind of copped out of it

and got my sister to do it.

My mum said, "I feel like I lost the son I was meant to have

"but got a new one."

It was definitely my dad. My dad wasn't...wasn't as good.

We were in the car and he was like, "I'm really annoyed you've

"told everybody except your own dad that you're gay."

It's like such a big thing for people,

-so I do understand completely, like, how hard it is.

-Yeah.

James has made me realise how damaging it can be

not to tell both your parents, but that doesn't make the thought

of coming out any easier.

A video that I've watched over and over to try and prepare myself

is the one made by vlogger Riyadh.

I can remember my brain screaming at me saying, "Say those two words -

"I'm gay - just say it," and my mouth wouldn't do it,

just wouldn't fucking make the words.

And I pull over one of my school books and I rip out the back page of

it and I have a pen and I write on it "I'm gay" and so I just,

cos I can't say the words, I just slide it across the table to you

and then I go...

I just leave it there. And I'm, like, looking away and then what?

So confused, it's confusing, yeah...

Yeah...cos somebody just hits you, bang.

Dad!

Were you?

Dad.

I'm really hoping my dad will be OK, when I tell him I'm gay.

That was something I was wanting to ask you about, like...

Riyadh has agreed to talk to me on Skype.

Your coming out video is the one that I've watched the most

cos it just seems so relevant with me.

And you also said about feeling paralysed,

like you couldn't actually say the words "I'm gay".

I think it's completely normal what you're feeling.

It's about the fear of potentially losing or upsetting

someone that you love so deeply and there really isn't anyone

that you love deeper than the people that put you on this earth.

-Yeah.

-It's almost like ripping off a plaster, you know?

It's going to be really hard to actually say those words

and to see their faces as you say it, but,

from that point on your entire life is going to change

-from one way or another.

-Yeah.

You're already in a very lucky situation that, you know,

you come from a loving home.

In the worst, worst, worst case scenario where, potentially,

they won't get it, you've still been able to understand

what you are, yourself, and accept yourself.

-Yeah.

-You've done the hardest coming out,

which is coming out to you.

I feel so confident in myself now and I just want to share that,

like, I'm fed up with lying about being gay.

I'm out and constantly having to hide things from my parents.

If their initial reaction is not ideal, let's say,

if they show a bit of anger, if they try and ask you, "Are you sure?"

"I'm sure you can't be this way."

I mean, they could say anything.

They could do the opposite and just embrace you and say "We know,

"this is great, fantastic, well done."

Whatever they say, just let them release and let them get that

off their chest. There is no human on this planet who can take a piece

of information like that and just be like, "Oh, great.

"OK, do you want some tea?"

They'll think about it, they'll realise that you still are the same

beautiful son that you've always been,

and then eventually, you know,

hopefully, they'll turn into what my parents turned into

which are two absolutely incredibly supportive, loving,

caring and understanding humans that want to be part of the journey.

-Yeah.

-All right, Ross.

-I'll chat to you soon.

-Good luck, OK?

-Thank you.

-You're going to do great.

-Bye.

Getting to talk to Riyadh yesterday was a big thing for me

because to get direct advice from him

really gave me a confidence boost because, like,

he taught me that someone's reaction isn't necessarily the reaction that

they're going to have in a year, so that sort of puts me at ease

if my parents don't react the way I want them to.

But I've still got to go through the actual coming out,

and I'm going to do it tomorrow.

What's going to happen, I really don't know.

I think I've been starting to get a bit more emotional

throughout the day because I just got texts from some of my friends

who know that I'm going to be coming out just staying stuff like

"good luck" and that they're thinking of me

and that's making me start to feel like I'm going to cry.

It's just nice to know that my friends are there

and that there's, like, this support that I've got for coming out.

I didn't think I was going to... I didn't think I was going to cry,

because, like, I'm comfortable with who I am.

It's just...

I think I'm upset because I don't see the point in coming out.

I don't know why people should have to do it.

Like, my brother doesn't have to come out as straight

so why should I have to come out as gay?

The cameras are all set up.

I've asked Mum and Dad to come and sit in the living room.

There's no going back now.

No, you sit there.

-What's going on?

-Put that down.

So do you two think that you know me pretty well?

Yeah. Like, you know my favourite colour?

-No.

-Purple.

-Yeah.

I thought you were going to say orange.

So do you know that I'm gay?

-No.

-No.

-But you do now.

Yeah.

Have you never had any suspicions?

-Nope.

-Are you sure?

-Yeah.

-What about you?

-Maybe.

So what's your reaction to it?

-Are you fine?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Right, well, last December when we were at Windermere,

we were watching First Dates and there were two men on it,

and in that interview at the end they kiss,

and you and Graham looked at each other and just pulled a face.

So why was that?

Well, it's a case of don't mind people doing it, but

it's something that doesn't look right, and then two men are kissing.

From my perspective.

So if it was a man and a woman it would've been all right?

-Yes.

-Or is it to do with the public thing?

No, a man and a woman would have been fine.

So can you see how that affects me, you saying that?

It's just an opinion. I don't mind it, but I don't want it in my face.

Right.

-And are you all right with it?

-Yeah.

-So everything's fine?

-Mm-hm.

It's a choice. A life choice, that's all it is.

I know what you're trying to say, but the word choice is a bit weird.

Why?

Because it's not a choice.

-Because I haven't decided, oh, I want to be gay.

-Mm.

Because obviously who would choose to be gay when...

The Orlando shootings.

Like, why would I choose to be a sexuality that might get me killed?

Mm-hm.

So you understand that?

So what makes you think you're gay?

Well, are you attracted to men?

-Yeah.

-Well, so am I.

It's just, like, I've had people ask me that before, like, say,

why are you gay?

Or how do you know? And I'm like, how do you know you're straight?

It's just the same thing as that.

I think the world's changed, you know.

It's sort of, like, it's more out there now.

-So...

-It's more accepted, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah. It's not like back in the '60s or the '70s where it's all

underground and it was something to almost be ashamed of.

-Well, it was illegal.

-Yeah.

But nowadays, you know, there's more and more people, it's more open,

so I think it's easier for people like your mam and me to accept.

It doesn't make me feel any different about you.

-No.

-Well, it shouldn't, should it?

-No.

-That's why it's, like, weird when you see other people

that have come out, and then their parents don't accept it.

You just think, why?

I still feel a bit rocky because it's just, like,

I came out yesterday, so it's still quite fresh in my mind

and I'm still thinking about everything.

I don't feel comfortable around them yet.

Like, my mam came into my room this morning

and I just sort of wanted her to get out,

and I don't know why.

I think I'm going to take time to get used to them

and the fact that they know, and they're going to take time

to get used to me. But I feel happier now.

I think my dad took it better, which was surprising

because I wasn't expecting him to be the one that takes it the best,

but he is quite an understanding person.

I'm also glad that I did do it on camera.

I think I'd have regretted it if I didn't,

because I can look back on it as well as other people

watching it as well.

I'm going to university now.

I'm moving there quite soon.

So I think the next step for me is to live away from my parents

how I want to, then hopefully translate that

when I'm back at home,

so I can act how I want to in both places that I live.

I've grown up with 18 years of this.

I think I'm ready to say goodbye to it for a while.

So do you want a quick room tour?

OK, let's go. Welcome to the bathroom.

Oh, look at this. Oh, it just curves round, nice and smooth.

Oh, I love it. And that's where the magic happens.

So we're going to go big cheesy smile,

and pout and squish everything.

It feels really natural being here.

Like at home, I sort of felt small,

and then you come here and it feels like, I don't know,

like I've got these tentacles coming off me, and I'm just free.

A big, gay octopus.

It feels weird because I'm still getting used to

knowing that my parents know and everything,

so I still have moments where I think, oh, God,

everybody knows. But, yeah, it feels nice to know that I'm being open.

I know that definitely my grandma and grandpa know, and my uncle -

he rang me to say that, like,

he's proud of me for coming out and everything,

that I can be myself now.

I've never got my ear pierced back at home because in my mind,

even though loads of boys have got their ears pierced,

I always thought if I got mine done people would be thinking like, oh,

that's a girl's thing to do, why has Ross got that done?

So that's why I've waited till I've come to university to get, like,

any piercings or tattoos or anything.

I'm on my way home from uni,

and I'm planning to talk to Mum and Dad about the future.

-INTERVIEWER:

-Do you miss him?

-Oh, yeah.

Yeah, cos you're quite good company, really, aren't you?

He just said I wasn't, I think.

He said I only came down to wash the dishes.

You like to come down and sit next to me, don't you, of an evening,

and have a cuddle? Don't you?

You do!

Not over worried about him down there, really.

He seems to have settled in, don't you?

I was wanting to come out before I went so that, like,

-everything was comfortable down there and up here.

-Yeah.

So it's been a big... big, sort of, few months for you,

hasn't it, Ross?

-In terms of...

-Yeah, with, like, life things going on.

Like university, but then coming out before university, but, like,

you made that easier, with the reaction that you gave,

so I'm thankful for the way that you handled it.

For us, I think it was "Right, OK.

"He's said it, it's final.

We know now." And then,

"Right, let's get you packed up and move out,"

and it was like almost like a bereavement, I think, wasn't it?

-You know?

-Yeah, but on the other hand it's nice to know

that you can say it to us.

-Yeah.

-Well, we love you and Jamie, and that's it.

-We'll support you.

-Yeah.

Support you in what you do.

Thinking back, you possibly think, as a parent,

perhaps we should have made it slightly easier for you,

when we had these suspicions, to probably just come out and ask you,

to make it easier for you...

But I suppose, at the time, because I was unsure, like,

-I'd have probably just said no.

-Yeah.

So for me there's still hurdles, like it hasn't finished now,

because obviously we were talking about when I came out,

when you said it's just your opinion that you don't like the sight of two

men or something, like, to me that sort of rings alarm bells of, oh,

what if I get into a relationship now?

Are you going to feel uncomfortable if I bring someone back?

If you brought a boyfriend home, yeah,

we'd still feel a little bit uncomfortable, at first,

-because we've never experienced that before.

-Yeah.

You know, but we wouldn't be against it or anything like that.

It's something that we've got to get used to,

but because it's you we'll support you.

I've always been from a male-dominated background with sport

and stuff like that, but you, growing up, on the art side,

and the musicals and things like that,

I think you've had a major impact personally on my life,

because you've broadened my horizons.

-Helped me develop...

-Yeah.

-..as a person.

-Families, like, years ago, you'd have thought, oh,

if my son's gay I won't get grandchildren.

Some people might have thought that, but in this day and age it's like,

it makes no difference, because there's plenty of options.

-No, yeah, that's right.

-There is, yes, and that is a big thing.

Because, yeah, I'd like to have grandchildren,

cos you do miss that.

The small kids knocking about, running around,

having a bit of a laugh. But it doesn't mean you can't.

There's different ways now.

No, no, that's right.

Hopefully, you are proud of me for coming out and stuff?

-Yeah.

-Oh, definitely.

-Yeah.

-Being brave enough to do it, for one thing.

You know.

But the making of this video makes us proud as well, because, you know,

you're putting yourself out there on a limb to help others.

That makes us really proud because using a situation

where you're really uncomfortable, or we're uncomfortable,

but you're willing to try and help others.

-Yeah.

-You know, that makes us really proud.

I can't bear the thought of him going through life

and having something like that to hide,

and basically just living a lie.

I'm so pleased that he's done it this early on in his life,

so he can just get on with it now.

I can't stand the thought of him getting, you know,

into his late 20s, 30s, getting a girlfriend, getting married.

Obviously that would probably go wrong, wouldn't it?

-Yeah.

-You know, and personally I think further down the line whoever

Ross ends up with, you know, in a long-term relationship,

-they'll be very lucky to have him.

-Mm hmm.

Oh, my God, I absolutely love drag queens...

Like, practising make-up and stuff.

I want to do make-up and that,

but I don't actually want to do performances -

do you get what I mean?

Yeah, I obviously started doing my eyebrows and stuff,

and I had glitter on the other day, but...

Which bar are we going into now?

Erm, Bar Pop, I think.

-Bar Pop.

-It's down there.

-I've never been there.

-I've been a few... Like, there's always drag queens outside.

-Yeah.

-Hi, boys, are you coming in for a drink?

-Hi. Yes, we are.

That's what we like to hear. Free entry, £1 vodka mixers...

That's spot on, thank you.

I've known that I've been gay for ages,

but now that I've come out I feel as though I've really, like,

sort of, blossomed into my own human being, if that makes sense.

Because I'm being true to myself and I'm being honest

to the rest of the world with who I am.

-Aw, dead proud of you!

-Oh!