To Have and to Hold Love and Marriage: A 20th Century Romance

The glamorous wedding of Prince Charles and Lady Diana in 1981

was a powerful symbol of love and marriage,

yet their subsequent divorce

showed that in modern Britain it was individual choice, not social convention,

that determined whether a marriage survived.

I had huge expectations of what married life was going to be like,

and it very quickly felt extremely disappointing.

I had the wedding that I wanted.

I had the husband that I wanted, but I didn't have the friendship.

With divorce an everyday reality for one in three,

remarriage offered new hope for lasting love.

I think the final realization for Lynn was

when I got down on one knee and presented her with the ring.

Is this guy serious? This guy's not mucking about.

This guy's committed to this and he wants this.

Cos the answer was no, the relationship was over.

I got lucky.

But what if you came to England and met me

and I was an absolute harridan?

Oh, I learnt that later, dear.

But no, I mean...

That, you deal with.

That's the answer to the question of why a marriage works.

Cos you deal with things.

This is the story of five couples who struggled to hold on to romance

in a world where marriages are as easy to end as they are to start.

All would be pushed to the limit.

Welcome to marriage in the age of divorce.

Couples coming of age in 1980s Britain looked to the future

in a society with greater individual choice than ever before.

# Though I live on the edge time is one my side

# All the doors to my life are open wide... #

A new generation of young women were now using their education

to win more opportunities in the jobs market.

Their growing financial independence gave many a very different

expectation of marriage to their mothers.

Working-class girl Lynn Warne had grown up in the shadow

of Swan Hunter's shipyard, in Wallsend, Newcastle.

We used to go up at weekends and chat to fellas.

And when I was growing up and finding the wrong ones,

I used to think, "Oh, a right wimp.

"Go away. I don't like you young boys."

And then I think they must have been frightened of me

being so independent in my own job and my own money.

I'm all right by myself. I'm not... I'm just enjoying me life.

I don't want to be tied down.

In the early 1980s, change was in the air.

As young women established themselves in careers

and on the shop floor, there was a shift in some men's attitude

towards domestic chores and childcare.

Liberated new men and new fathers began their marriages with high hopes.

Divorce was the last thing on their minds.

In 1981, David Robertson was a recently married vicar

at St George's church in Ovenden, north Halifax.

My wife took a career break to have our first child.

We then followed up with our second child.

And as we got into the swing of it,

we followed up with our third child and as we were now

pretty good at it, we then finished off with our fourth.

And I believe very firmly then that it is appropriate for fathers

to be as involved in the upbringing of the children as mothers.

Because I was at that time a vicar and able to plan my own day,

it enabled my wife to return to work and to concentrate on work.

It enabled me to develop a relationship with the children also.

We both felt that it was a good way of modelling family.

MUSIC: "Red Red Wine" by UB40

Change was also happening within Britain's ethnic communities.

Many second generation

sons and daughters were forming their own ideas about love,

in defiance of the arranged marriages expected by their parents.

At the age of eight, Mo Chaudry's family moved from Pakistan to Luton.

By 1983, he would be studying sport at the Polytechnic in Stoke.

Between the age of 15 and 18 I started to change a lot.

I became very much non-cultural. Very much westernized.

All of my friends were English.

So it kind of opened my eyes up to the bigger world, really

and I realized that actually I wanted to do things

with my life and do my own thing.

There was kind of talk about marriage

and of course, generally, the Asian culture is that you marry...

It's an arranged marriage with somebody in the extended family.

Although I don't recall saying to my mum and dad,

no. I'm not going to have an arranged marriage, I think

they could tell from body language that I was a little bit different.

A night out clubbing was a popular way to find romance

and more young people were finding love across the racial divide.

Architectural engineer Ann Fishwick grew up in the Potteries.

After one February night out in 1983, her life would never be

the same again.

I met Mo at a nightclub that is no longer in Stoke-on-Trent

called The Place.

And he was actually bouncing there.

He was a bouncer on the door

and I'd just gone out with a group of friends for the night

and uh, just... It's quite funny really, cos I'd told my close friend

that he was quite nice and she went and told him.

I was just doing my job and I was approached by somebody,

and they said there's a young lady who wants to have a chat with you and meet you.

I said OK, fine. I went along and I actually went to the wrong lady.

That was a bit embarrassing, so I'll never live that down, will I?

It was a nice steady relationship

and even though with the different backgrounds, it worked well.

We worked well from day one, really. Got on very well.

Both as friends and as a proper relationship as well.

By the '80s, the pill and the permissive society

meant men and women didn't have to marry to have a sexual relationship.

Many loving couples chose to live together -

cohabitation instead of marriage.

It carried no stigma and it was easy.

And by keeping parents at arms' length,

it helped couples from different racial backgrounds.

I had a car, an old banger,

and she helped me transport my belongings from my bedsit,

and...and I think, you know, she'll disagree with it,

but she ends up staying, and I'm thinking, "Hang on a minute!"

And all of a sudden we started living together

and literally life has just moved on that basis.

It just seemed so natural.

My sisters and my brothers all married very early

and, unfortunately, all their first marriages didn't work

and I think that probably put me off from settling down too early.

The couple lived together very happily for four years

when Ann came to a decision.

It came to the point where I wanted to start a family and that was

when we started talking about getting married.

And that's the way it progressed, really.

No, I didn't actually have a proposal off him.

So I decided, impulsively, like I always do.

I said, "All right, then.

"If you want to get married, let's go get married in Malta."

That's how it was. It wasn't a common thing then.

But it was actually a way for us to be able to do our own thing,

follow our own convictions, without having to have,

I suppose, the problems

and baggage of the two different cultures meeting up at that time.

You know, I didn't want to make it any more difficult for us,

and our respective families

and probably more so my family, you know, who are more traditional.

It was nice for my side of the family because I got the ring on my finger

and I was married woman in their eyes.

As far as Mo and I were concerned,

we'd probably been married four years previously

as a married couple anyway, so it didn't really change anything.

It just didn't really make me feel any different to how I felt

when we were originally living together.

In the 1980s, choosing when to marry

became much more a matter of individual preference.

Surveys revealed women wanted greater emotional intimacy

in the marriage relationship.

And if it didn't work out, couples got divorced.

For the first time in British history,

a third of marriages would fail within 15 years.

Divorce was now an everyday reality.

Clearly a happy marriage that rested solely on love

was hard to make last a lifetime.

Guitarist Robert Fripp saw many marriages succumb to infidelity

and excess in the hedonistic world of rock music.

He enjoyed great success internationally as a solo artist

and with his group King Crimson.

In 1984, his views on marriage were very clear.

I had a very fulfilling, creative,

successful professional and musical life

and I was very happy as a bachelor.

I had no intention of being married,

actually rather the reverse.

For me, marriage wasn't something I had to do.

In June 1985, Robert arranged to meet Toyah Wilcox,

herself enjoying phenomenal success as a singer and actor.

# And somewhere on another star

# A man holds his breath... #

Their musical worlds were very different

and they'd only met once before.

# And he wonders... #

I asked Toyah if she would help me make a charity record

for the charity of which I was then a president in West Virginia,

for their children's school and she said yes,

and it was while working on that record together...

HE GASPS

..she stole my heart.

Powerfully resonant events never go away.

And so I leave it with all of you.

Which came out of the open door?

The lady or the tiger?

He was known in New York as the red-hot lover. I mean...

I think he won't mind me saying,

but, before he met me, he had as many as seven women a day,

because they just made themselves available to him.

And then he met me, this complete mess -

this utter physical and mental mess

who had had three boyfriends

and he accepted who and what I was.

It's funny, thinking about it now,

I really was incredibly in love with him quite quickly,

but it was a very different kind of love

because we talked so deeply and we talked about spirituality as well,

which to me is incredibly important.

The bond between us was inseparable.

The couple were married in Witchampton, Dorset,

on 16th May, 1986.

Robert and I, we were shaking like leaves,

I mean, we were both thinking, "Oh, no, this is it."

You know, it was hard for me to give up my freedom as it was for him.

I was terrified,

terrified, that to make a commitment to this person

that you know is your wife,

that you adore, is wonderful, makes you laugh,

is fabulous company - all the rest.

Nevertheless, to stand in front of this

and say, "I will spend the rest of my life with this woman,"

that I really don't know very well

and I don't even know her hit records.

If I had known the extent of my wife's celebrity,

probably I would have been frightened off.

I would have been terrified.

If I'd had seen all her earlier press photos, oh...!

# Don't fall in love with a free spirit

# She'll disregard your heart

# Make you pay for it... #

The newlyweds were both recording stars,

but Robert's career commitments in America meant he returned

to New York every two weeks.

The frequent separation put a huge strain on their marriage

from the start.

I didn't find that easy at all.

I mean, firstly, you're madly in love with someone.

The beginning of the relationship is always a hugely sexual

relationship and I found it very hard to be without him.

I kept going away and this was very, very hard.

To begin with, my little lovely would take me to the airport.

Drop me off, but then there would begin tears.

As I left, closed the car door.

So I would leave with my wife in tears

and my wife would go home without me.

Robert played gigs across America, and ran guitar craft classes in West Virginia.

Far away from Toyah, there were many opportunities for affairs.

When Robert went away, I do not believe for one minute he was faithful to me.

He absolutely swears he was, but no, I don't believe he ever was faithful to me.

For me, when I proposed to Toyah,

if I'd had any doubts at all of fidelity, I wouldn't have proposed.

I think, for my wife, who could probably couldn't see

the commitment I made on the inside,

it may be, "Oh my, husband is going off on the road."

She knows the stories of rock groups on the road, all the rest of it.

For me, it was never an issue. It was never a matter.

If I'd had any doubt at all, I would simply not have proposed.

I could never have said to him, "No, you can't go away, you can't travel."

He just wouldn't tolerate that. He's a completely free human being.

So I was unhappy, I was incredibly insecure.

It was not a happy honeymoon period.

But I wanted to make it work.

Making a commitment to love one another

for the rest of their lives was a sobering moment for any couple.

Especially in the '80s.

There were many marrying whose parents had divorced in the '60s and '70s.

Few then realised the lasting effects this could

have on some children's personalities.

Now these children, and their partners,

would face the consequences a generation later.

Guards, present arms.

Kate and Harry Benson, a Navy pilot in the Falklands war,

chose a traditional white wedding, but there was a problem in their relationship from the start.

I was very excited about getting married.

I'd spent my whole life wanting to be married.

I knew he was he right man for me.

I was really nervous, too,

because I knew I had almost everything in Harry.

I just didn't have the friendship.

I had enough, obviously, cos we got together, but I was

definitely frightened, nervous that I could be a bit lonely.

Really mixed feelings.

CHURCH BELLS RING

My parents split when I was three.

I went to boarding school when I was seven

and the way I dealt with my whole childhood, I had this incredibly privileged childhood,

but I found it very difficult to relate to people,

I had very few friends, and the result was that, when I married Kate,

I had no real idea how to relate to her beyond normal conversation.

And so there were the odd moments where Kate got very frustrated with me

because I seemed to be distant and closed,

which, of course, I was, but clueless about what was going on.

And so she'd get very cross.

I'd get very confused, I had no idea what was going on.

So we had these periodic sort of blow-ups.

Harry Benson left the Navy, and the couple moved to the Far East,

where he became a partner in a stockbroker firm.

By 1991, they were in Bangkok and had started a family.

But the deep-seated problem in their marriage remained.

On the outside, we had the best time ever.

He'd joined a company that gave him a wonderful package,

which meant we had a boat to ride around in.

We had gyms to gym in.

We had all sorts of allowances and everything

so we lived the life of Riley.

I had a loyal, loving husband, who worked hard, he provided.

I could talk to him if I talked about things he was interested in.

I didn't often feel that he was particularity interested in me.

And yet, the way he showed that he was interested in me

was by doing things for me.

So he would empty the bins or do the washing up.

Or arrange holidays.

I really needed him to spend time with me

and that was the last thing he ever wanted to do.

Not because he didn't love me. It isn't the way he's made.

He used to say, "Look, I'm here, aren't I?"

I'd settled into the role of provider, and I thought that was my job in life,

was to bring in the dosh for the family.

And Kate's job was homemaker, primary parent.

We had out second daughter and I was beginning to struggle now because

the having Harry around, but not engaging, was...

quite hurtful, actually.

And I felt that I was, emotionally, doing everything.

And feeling as though I wasn't having any of my emotional needs met.

I was feeling lonely at home.

I was feeling drained as a mother.

When you're just dealing with little children,

it's a lot of hard work,

a lot of physical hard work, and I was pretty lonely, I think.

I just didn't get what she was feeling at any minute.

She would say something and I would take a very functional approach.

You know, "I'm tired."

"I feel tired." "Well, go to bed, then," sort of thing.

Rather then saying, "Poor you, you must have had a hard day." Something like that.

Being aware that there's a feeling behind it.

I would just respond by, you know, some practical suggestion.

"Well, go to sleep."

She'd just get hacked off about that because it's obvious, isn't it?

A three-year-old can figure than one out.

"So why does she need to be told that by me?"

And that was the kind of misunderstanding that we had, in spades.

Kate and Harry were drifting apart.

The problems of poor communication destroying the closeness

they once shared.

Like so many couples with two small children

they were at a vulnerable stage in their marriage.

In 1993, there were 180,000 divorces -

the highest number ever recorded in British history.

The following year,

developments in Harry's job meant the family moved to Hong Kong.

It was here that Kate became drawn to Christianity

and started attending disciple-ling classes,

but her involvement took an unexpected turn.

I met somebody. He was an extremely dynamic youth minister.

I was absolutely drawn to him.

He was showing me things and remembering me

and saying, "I've just seen this and I thought of you."

And I just melted. Nobody had ever...

Well nobody... Harry never done that to me.

Nor could I ever see that ever happening.

That kind of attention, thought.

I told Harry I was struggling because I had met somebody.

He just asked a very simple question,

which was the most dreadful question.

He just said, "Are you sleeping with him?" And I said no.

And he said, "Well, what's the problem, then?"

My heart was now involved with somebody else

and my heart was breaking.

Because I felt that this person was going to be able to love me

in a way that I'd never, ever get from Harry.

And I really wanted to be loved.

And I knew it was completely wrong. I had two little girls.

I just was so stuck, but I knew it was wrong.

I had to tell him, so I told him face to face that it was over.

I was just extremely matter of fact about it...

Biting my lip because it was just hell.

I just said we couldn't see each other again,

that it was over. It was horrible.

I was just so gutted about it. I was utterly heartbroken.

I had to treat this guy as if he'd died.

I made a decision that I wasn't going to do what I wanted to do

in order to do what was right, so I had to treat him as if he'd died.

So I had to grieve, basically.

In Britain, there was a different kind of grieving.

Many once-proud manufacturing industries

were the victims of an unforgiving global economy.

Male breadwinners in working-class communities had to face

the fact that their wives often had a better chance of employment.

In 1994, Swan Hunter shipyard in Newcastle was once of the last

big manufacturing companies to go into receivership.

Electrician Jimmy Warne lost his job along with hundreds of others.

Although his wife's job was secure, and Jimmy looked after their son,

their six-year-old marriage was falling apart.

His story was emblematic of a generation of working-class men.

I was ill-prepared for marriage. I think I fell into it.

I think that it was seen as the normal thing to do.

You know, that was part of the culture, the working-class culture.

You served your time, you became a tradesmen, you met somebody,

you got married.

Most men... The overwhelming majority of men went to work.

And in the shipyard it was very rare that you saw

a woman on the shop floor.

That was the perceived wisdom. Men went to work.

If anybody were going to stay at home and look after the children,

it would traditionally be the woman.

Becoming a shop steward was a natural thing to me

because I wanted to help people.

Those kinds of things were very much of interest to me

because I wanted to see fair play.

When the shipyard went into receivership,

I became actively involved in the campaign committee

to keep the shipyard open.

The campaign failed, and so, too, did Jimmy's marriage.

After the divorce in 1995, he lost his role

as principal carer of his son.

The main thing that really hurt me at the time was the fact that

I was losing the day-to-day contact with James.

All right for me not to see him all day every day,

but to lose that daily contact with him.

Not seeing him in the morning, not seeing him at night.

Or not seeing him at some point during that day.

That had a very deep effect upon me.

Some of those early days were very, very difficult for me,

because I was riddled with angst.

I was riddled with...turmoil. Mental turmoil.

Trying to come to terms with who I was and what I thought

and why I was the way I was.

But as I got through that after the first six, nine, twelve months

and I started to realise, for all of my faults, you know,

you might just be a half decent person here.

And by the end of the four years, I think I was a much better person.

A much more rounded person.

In the 1990s, there was a growing trend for women

to marry for the first time in their late 30s or 40s.

For many, this was a career choice.

They worked hard to build up their financial independence,

but never lost their desire for love and marriage with Mr Right.

Lynn Warne has long enjoyed a career as a chiropodist.

At the age of 39, though, marriage eluded her.

Deep down, she feared time was running out

for her dream of a loving husband and children.

I was just so independent.

I could be anything I wanted to be,

do anything I wanted to do.

I holidayed and partied and got my own home,

my own cars and it was like everybody who I met...

They must have thought, well, I was a hard woman!

I don't think I ever lost the faith of love and marriage.

It was the case of, well, when will it happen?

Yeah, I used to think, oh, nobody loves me,

cos I'm sentimental and it will happen when it happens.

But then it gets to the fact that you're getting older in life.

Historically, many mining families knew one another

within the close communities of Newcastle.

Jimmy Warne's father, James, had been a guest at the wedding

of Lynn's parents, Pamela and Henry Todd in 1960.

Nearly 40 years later, Pamela thought it time

she played matchmaker for her daughter.

It was me mum who sort of said,

"Well, I'll get Jimmy over to help you sort your flat out...

"to fix the electricity", and I says, "Well, he's too busy

"with his union stuff", you know, "What are you asking him for?"

And me mum says, "Oh, I think he'd help you."

And then Jimmy came over and fixed me flat and everything.

She was bringing me home one night and I just said to her,

"Do you mind if I complicate your life?"

And she looked at me and she said, "Well, aye, all right."

I said, "Well, will you come out for a drink with me one night?" And she said yes.

And I says, "Well, I've got nothing in my life you can complicate",

but since then, it's been complicated! SHE LAUGHS

We just started talking and we started really bonding

and yeah, I felt like I do want him.

I knew he was right for me. I just did.

Even though we hadn't thought about getting married,

I just knew he was right for me.

The couple lived together for a year when Jimmy came to a decision.

He was ready to try marriage again.

But Lynn was struggling with her emotions

now that her long hoped-for dream could become a reality.

It was more a problem for Lynn than it ever was for me, marrying.

I was settled in the view that I wanted to marry her. We were comfortable with each other.

We were happy enough with each other,

so let's just say, right, we're now at the stage where

what we want to do, we say,

if there's just a reserved sticker on us two, right,

then we'll keep our foot in both camps.

Right? Just in case something better comes along.

Let's decide we're not going to do that.

And I think the final realisation for Lynn

was when I got down on one knee and presented her with a ring.

Is this guy serious?

This guy's not mucking about.

This guy's committed to this and he wants this.

He did the romantic thing and got down on one knee

and presented us with the ring and I had to run out. I had to run away a little bit.

I jumped in me car and drove away for about five or ten minutes,

cos I thought, "Oh, my God, this is it.

"This is the marriage thing. I'm going to get married.

"I'm going to get married to Jimmy Warne".

And it was everything all come together.

So I stopped crying and I come home

and I says, "Yes, I want to marry you.

"I want to marry you".

Jimmy and Lynn chose to have their wedding in Sri Lanka.

Although they'd both been brought up in the Catholic Church,

they were married in a Buddhist ceremony attended by just a few close friends.

It was a wonderful time. I got married,

there was only six of us there.

I didn't feel stressed about it.

I remember Jimmy Craigy, who was my best man,

walking us along the road. I could turn left and go to the bar,

or turn right and go to the wedding ceremony,

and he stopped me at this point and says, "It's your last chance".

And I said, "No, come on, they're waiting!"

I just found the whole experience of getting married in Sri Lanka...

the way it was done by the Buddhists was a fabulous, fabulous thing to do.

BEATING DRUMS

It was just so emotional and loving and everybody was happy.

It was just so free spirited and spiritual, and loving and kind.

There was a ride on an elephant.

Jimmy wasn't very happy, like, but I made him get up!

I tell me girls now, you know,

"Mummy had an elephant on her wedding day",

and the kids are like, "Mother!" You know, "Get a life!"

But you know, I just want them to see how different it can be

if you love somebody, and you can have anything that you want, really.

If you're happy and in love with the right one.

For many, there would be no happy ending.

The high rate of marital breakdown

reflected couples' deep dissatisfaction with their long-term relationships.

Even those with strong Christian religious beliefs

and the clergy themselves were affected.

Here in Ovenden near Halifax,

St George's Church was long a place of work for vicar David Robertson.

He has returned to the vicarage family home, where in 1998,

he had been married for 17 years and played a major role in bringing up his four children

while his wife worked as an English teacher.

When my wife left, it was totally unexpected.

I had known that we were going through a difficult place,

but we'd been through difficult places before and we'd come through them.

It was a total surprise.

I remember the children crying.

I remember us being together and my wife no longer there.

And they wanted to know why

and I had nothing to say, because I didn't know why.

The early stages of it were just a bereavement.

There's no other word for it.

It was a bereavement.

My experience was that when the going got tough, God just held me.

I continued as a father. I continued as a lone parent.

I continued as a vicar. I continued in my responsibilities.

I carried on.

And that strength that was God holding me, allowed me to be

what I needed to be for all those people.

David's marriage formally ended in divorce.

As a Church of England vicar, during two decades of unprecedented marital breakdown,

he had often counselled divorced men and women.

Now he needed to decide if his faith in the sanctity of marriage

allowed him to consider remarrying one day.

I believe that marriage, ultimately, is one man, one woman for life.

But I also recognise that life isn't like that for everybody.

In my own situation, I needed to think through

the issues of my own divorce and to think through

whether it might be appropriate for me to even consider a new relationship.

David has recently become the vicar at Christ Church in Ossett, Yorkshire.

Following his divorce, he decided that remarriage

was a possibility for him.

After a while of hoping to find a new love within his local community,

he felt the only way to meet someone would be through a Christian introduction agency.

I know that introduction agencies and dating agencies are supposed to be new,

but in my thinking, they were as old as time itself.

Because cultures across the world and across history have had

matchmakers and relationships have been arranged.

And I thought, "Well, this is just a modern reinvention of a very old wheel".

David met Gill through the Friends First introduction agency.

She was a Christian youth worker living in Worcester, aged 45,

and never been married.

I'd always thought I would meet the person

that I would marry in the course of my life.

That either at church or at work or whatever,

I would meet that person, and I just never did.

And it took me quite a long time to come round to the point of view

that I could do something about it.

Gill signed up to Friends First

and started sifting through the men's profiles.

It wasn't long before she spotted David's.

I was just interested by what he said about himself.

His background is also musical and my background is musical,

and I just thought there might be a connection,

and it said he was a vicar in west Yorkshire.

So I sent him an email and he replied very quickly,

so I thought, "Oh, this is good, somebody who replies!"

Just three e-mails and eight days later, they were meeting for the first time.

The venue, a cafe in Holmes Chapel.

Neither realised it was St Valentine's Day.

I was just full of butterflies

and not knowing what was going to happen

and felt very self-conscious and nervous about what was going to happen.

I got to the car park before he did, and he got out of the car,

and I thought, "I'm sure that's him."

And he came towards me and I thought, "No, I don't think so!"

We met, and as soon as we got to talk to one another,

we both of us thought, "Ah, this will only ever be a friendship."

David and Gill continued to get to know one another as friends,

but by the autumn, Gill's feelings for him were changing into love.

We went out for a meal in the evening to a really nice pub.

And I said to him, "Actually, I've begun to think

"I would like there to be a bit more to our friendship",

and David was completely dropped on, because he just thought of me

as a really good friend.

The next morning, the atmosphere was really fraught

and we were both trying to be normal.

And we got back and had some lunch and sat outside,

and I thought, "I can't do this in this atmosphere any more",

and I went in and sat down and started to cry.

It was when I saw Gill in tears that I knew it was a crossroads moment.

I needed to think about how I felt.

With my first wife, we had a four-year courtship

and a 17-year marriage.

So we were part of one another's lives for 21 years.

And it was only really

when the friendship with Gill began to develop that I realised

I wasn't as ready for another relationship as I'd thought I was.

And there were issues in there of trust that I needed to face up to.

And Gill was very patient with me,

while I worked through all of the things I still needed to work through

before I was ready to say to her, "I love you".

Gill and David have returned to St George's in Ovenden.

Here at their wedding, many of those present

were from the congregation, thrilled that their vicar was marrying again.

David has a very special look

that he only uses on particular occasions,

and he looked at me with that look

when we were making our vows to each other.

Knowing that that was how he felt about me is a very special memory.

There was a real atmosphere of expectancy.

Yeah, it was a good day.

The wedding was a special day for David's children as well.

Joel and Hannah, they were still at home when we got married,

and David was very clear all along that they didn't need a mum.

He wasn't looking for somebody to be another mother for his children,

and I got on really, really well with them,

and it was a great blessing to be part of a family,

not just part of, I mean, I think a couple is a family,

but to have young people around

and be involved with their lives as well was a really special thing.

From the 1990s onwards,

couples turned increasingly to outside help with their marriages.

Many attended counselling sessions and courses

to try to solve deep-seated problems.

At her home in Somerset, Kate Benson is writing a letter,

reliving a moment in her marriage in 1995.

She had turned down the love of another man

for the sake of her commitment to her husband, Harry.

In despair, she wrote to him about her feelings.

I wrote Harry a letter.

It was actually a job description of being married to Harry.

Because it had got so bad for so long that I just viewed it as a job,

and I wanted to write down what the job entailed.

You know, the hours, the work, the perks, the pay.

Cos I didn't feel as though I was getting love and appreciation.

I think I said you've got six months or a year to do something

about this or I'm going.

I thought, "Blimey." I suddenly realised

this was an utterly key moment.

I got down on my knees to Kate for the second time in our marriage.

The first time was when I proposed,

so I got down on my knees again and I said, look,

you've got no reason to believe that I will change,

but I'm going to.

And I know in my head that moment was utterly seminal,

because I made a decision in my head.

I'd shifted my attitude and I realised

that I need to make this marriage work for Kate.

After nearly nine years of marriage,

this was make or break time for Kate and Harry.

They decided to take a Christian marriage course in Taiwan.

We had this massive breakthrough

where we wrote these very long letters to one another

and talked to each other on a level where I discovered

that I could really understand what it was like to be Kate,

and that was a real moment of emotional intimacy and for me,

this was almost the time that I fell in love with Kate

for the first time.

It was wonderful,

and it revolutionised our marriage for that moment on.

God, I felt really loved by Harry.

He was opening up and writing letters to me.

Saying things that he'd never said before.

I think something happened where he felt love

to the person that he was married to.

And so I, as a result, felt loved for the first time.

I got a husband that was going to be faithful, good and intelligent,

and all the things that I wanted from my man,

but he actually loved me as well.

And I wanted to celebrate that, so I gave him a wedding ring.

And I put the date of that Taiwanese marriage course into

the wedding ring because that was the first time that I felt loved.

Before the age of divorce,

marriages had been sustained by social convention, stigma,

and lower expectations.

Now, marriage was less an institution and more a relationship,

where issues that maintained long-term love mattered most.

With divorce such an easy option, it was more difficult than ever

for couples to get through the hard times.

Many found they had to constantly work at their marriages

to keep the magic alive.

Robert Fripp toured the world as a highly-respected guitarist,

while Toyah Willcox widened her career

as a presenter on British television.

When a husband and wife worked far apart for weeks at a time though,

love might seem a distant memory.

We were both very busy. I would call every day.

Very high telephone bills.

And my rule would be,

focus in on little T.

Be a happy, happy husband so that I could give whatever is possible

to my wife knowing that she'll be missing me as I'm missing her.

It was a quiet, ongoing form of heartbreak.

Now a good disciplined player can deal with it,

and as a good disciplined player, I did.

When you walk on stage, you're present on stage.

You're nowhere else, your attention is there,

but when you walk off stage, then I miss my wife.

When you get on the bus, I miss my wife.

When you get off the bus into your lonely vacuum with a bed in it,

known as your hotel room, I miss my wife.

On stage, I'm present.

That's doable.

He'd start to be away three months at a time

and that was just so difficult, and I remember one time,

he'd been away for three months, he was flying back,

got to Heathrow and got a call to go back to Seattle

and he went straight back. I didn't even see him.

And that was hell. It was real hell.

But when we were together, it was fantastic.

Yeah, we really made the most of it.

It was like honeymoon all the time.

For some couples, the challenge of being apart

came from very long days at work.

With Britain in the '90s working some of the longest hours in Europe,

the support and sacrifice of a partner could be essential

to the survival of the marriage.

Mo and Ann Chaudry are at their home in Staffordshire.

During the early years of their marriage, Mo spent most of his time

building up his property investment company in Hanley, Stoke-on-Trent.

I'd realised very early on that we had to get on in life.

Not once did she say to me, this is not going to work

because you're working all the hours.

She knew it was a means to an end.

So she was very, very supportive of that.

She gave me a home. She gave me some stability in life.

A platform from which I could unleash myself.

So the business side I drove it and at home the maternal side,

she drove it.

The Potteries' industry was in decline in the 1990's.

And Mo Chaudry became a local rags-to-riches success story,

culminating with his revitalization of Water World.

After bringing up their three children,

Ann started to work with Mo, becoming a director in 1998.

She had her own special way of dealing with a driven,

work-obsessed man with a fiery temper.

-Hi. Are you all right?

-Yeah.

-So have you had any information through from the neighbours yet?

-Yes.

Mo is very vocal.

If things aren't the way he thinks they should be, but both of us

being the way we are we tend to say there and then,

"Look, you know, this isn't right. You need to sort it out."

We've had a few fallouts where we've not spoken for a few days,

but to be honest it's normally me that makes the peace.

As usual, I think, the women are always like that.

If he's wrong in any way, he's very good at apologizing.

But if he isn't wrong, he's very good at not apologizing.

I've got a very short fuse. I have my tantrums.

I rant and rave and say all sorts of wrong things some times

and then we sleep on it.

We ignore each other for a few days and then slowly

but surely we're back on even keel again.

But the key has always been that there is something that has

always kept us together. Always.

# Stuck on you

# Got this feeling down and deep in my soul... #

We certainly wouldn't be married if it wasn't for Ann. She's the glue.

She's kept it all together.

And she's kept me in check in the nicest possible way.

It's just life. It's our lives.

It's the whole of our lives. I wouldn't want it any other way.

In Britain attitudes have changed greatly since Mo

and Ann Chaudry's wedding 25 years ago.

CHAMPAGNE CORK POPS

Oh, my, that's got a pop in it, hasn't it?!

At the time Ann and I married, and settled down,

it wasn't the done thing for a mixed-race marriage,

particularly an Asian mixed-race marriage

and I feel very proud of the fact that I did follow my own instincts.

And you can marry outside of your own culture and your own ethnicity

and despite all of those issues, if both parties are minded to

and you mold together, then you can have a very happy life together.

Happy anniversary, dear. Here's to the next 25 years. Cheers.

Harry and Kate Benson returned to England in the late 1990's.

After their marriage crisis,

they went on to have another four children.

And have now celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary.

Inspired by the insights that saved his marriage, Harry devised

and ran new marriage counselling courses, helped by Kate.

26 years ago.

Do you know what that reminds me of?

That reminds me of standing in the reception

and not getting any food at all.

Their passion is to pass on their own

intimate understanding of married love.

My love for Kate is a really strong, deep,

inner sense of connection and a deep care for her.

And that really starts from this fundamental thing

about marriage, which is this decision I've made

somewhere inside me that we are married for life.

That's the point. That's the whole deal.

I don't always feel the great sort of gushy emotional stuff

and mad passionate love, I've got this strong, deep, content feeling

of care for my other half and she's very much my other half.

I'm totally happily married. I know my husband loves me.

I know I love him and yet we can still have really, really bad times.

We can have some nasty arguments. We can hurt each other.

We can go through bad and dry patches, but we recognize them.

I think that a really good marriage has to be worked at.

Toyah Willcox is working in her office

at the couple's home in Pershore Worcestershire.

She and Robert have been married for 26 years.

HE PLAYS THE GUITAR

Their decision not to have children

enabled them to devote what little free time they had to each other.

In the early years, I expected that my wife might in some way contribute

to the quality of my life.

In other words I had an anticipation that my wife would

make my life better.

Clearly, she has and does.

But as I got older, I saw that that imposed a limitation,

a constraint on the marriage.

So as my acceptance of who and what Toyah is, my little lovely deepened.

For me my prayer is may I be the husband that my wife needs.

He got the picture of what marriage meant to me.

And marriage was a totalness.

I wanted to be with him totally and I wanted to be with him

when he was working and be with him socially.

He had to compromise and I compromised hugely.

Marriage, it's a bond.

It's a spiritual bond where you grow together

and you can grow apart but you grow together again.

And it is always challenging,

but those challenges are hugely rewarding and enriching.

A toast?

How about to Wilifred the prince of rabbits?

-Wilifred, the prince of rabbits.

-Cheers, bunny.

David and Gill are returning to the very same park bench where

he proposed to her.

They're both clear that their decision to marry brought out

the best in one another.

I believe that there's more than one kind of love.

I think there's romantic love.

I think there's friendship love.

If the love that wants the best for the other person is always present,

then it means that the relationship is always going deeper.

And after seven and a half years of marriage with Gill, I would

say that I love her more now than I ever have before.

I've done a lot of things that I am proud of

but loving David is the best thing that I have ever done.

It has helped him to be himself,

as well as helped me to be myself.

It is about becoming one with somebody,

yes, in a physical sense but also in a spiritual sense.

This is where mummy used to live. Mummy used to live here.

Lynn and Jimmy Warne are taking their children back

to Wallsend in Newcastle, to show them where they grew up.

Jimmy has no doubts about his choice to marry again.

If you haven't given it serious consideration before you even

think about taking the first step, from being single to wanting

to be married again and have a relationship.

You've got to want to do it. You've got to want to commit to it.

If you don't commit to it there's no point in doing it.

You've got to commit with your heart and your soul.

If you don't, there's absolutely no point because you're holding back.

Loving Jimmy means to me the fact that I've always got my soul mate.

I don't think I... I couldn't imagine anything without him.

I might be an independent person but he's my other half.

It's not about graphic terms of how much you love that person.

It's how comfortable you are with them, how safe you feel them,

how secure you feel with them.

It's those thing that are important,

I mean how do you actually describe love?

What is it? You know. How does it manifest itself?

I think it manifests itself in your honesty

and your decency towards that person.

That's what love is.

The social changes that transformed life in Britain during

the late 20th century put enormous strain

on the old institution of marriage.

Couples struggled as never before to hold onto romance.

Those who succeeded found that marriage in the age of divorce

can still bring a deep and lasting love.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd