Tunbridge Wells Terry and Mason's Great Food Trip

-My Lord, they won't let me into the big house.

-No.

So I'll wait with the carriage.

Resist the urge to clip the hedges and mow the grass.

I know you're a man who likes to get his hands dirty.

MASON LAUGHS

'It's taken 50 years in broadcasting,

'but I've finally cracked it...'

TERRY LAUGHS

'..a chance to meander around the country, see the sights,

-'meet the people...'

-THEY LAUGH

'..and, ah, yes, eat and drink.'

Is melt in the mouth a suitable phrase?

'I've hailed a cab with one of London's finest cabbies,

'Mason McQueen,

'to steer me around Britain's highways and byways.'

I'm looking forward to a decent meal, are you?

Oh, I'm starving. I can't wait, Tel.

Our route has been mapped out by an adventurous gourmand,

Samuel Chamberlain, in his book, British Bouquet.

'Almost 60 years later, we're following in his footsteps...'

I'll do all the work, Tel!

'..to seek out weird and wonderful regional British cuisine

'and discover how our tastes have changed over the years.'

Do it right, son.

WHOOPING AND LAUGHTER

You know, I could sell those.

Do you think I'd get more money for them

if I said Terry Wogan made them?

Probably in a car-boot sale.

SHE LAUGHS

Our travels have brought us

to a place worthy of our regal bearing, in Royal Tunbridge Wells.

The richest place in Kent,

this former spa town still has the airs and graces

of a playground of the wealthy.

Mason and I should fit right in.

Well, I should, anyway.

Slap bang in the middle of the Garden of England,

there's sure to be bountiful sustenance

to get our laughing gear around as well.

So, Royal Tunbridge Wells,

I'm getting a feeling it's going to be very affluent, yeah?

Fairly middle-class, yes.

Chamberlain says, "An early English summer spa,

"still replete with Old World charm and tranquillity."

That's what we like, a bit of Old World charm and tranquillity.

You'll stroll around Royal Tunbridge Wells.

You know, Tel, no-one's got much to do,

-they're strolling around...

-Yeah.

-..enjoying life.

Invigorated by the waters.

TERRY LAUGHS

Things seem to have changed little since Chamberlain's days

and to begin our stroll,

his book recommends starting on the charming shopping promenade.

-This is The Pantiles.

-What is a pantile?

-I've no idea.

You know everything.

I'm sure somebody's going to explain a pantile to me,

-but it's a very picturesque part of town, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-I really like it.

-We're heading towards the Chalybeate Spring,

and I only can pronounce that cos somebody told me how to.

-Are you going to have a drink?

-Yeah.

-Are you going to risk it?

Yeah, I'll have a go.

-You're one of the gamest people I know.

-I know.

-You're my tester, aren't you?

-Yeah.

Chamberlain said that people partook of the waters

for their treatment of melancholia and overindulgence.

Might just be what me and Mason need.

It's true, isn't it?

This whole town owes everything to this spring.

-It does indeed, yes.

-What's your name?

-My name is Jude.

-Jude, tell us all now.

It was discovered in 1606 by the gentleman in the bronze here,

who is Dudley Lord North.

In 1629, we had our first royal visitor,

that was Queen Henrietta Maria.

She'd just gone through stillbirth and she was feeling very low

and her doctor suggested that she come

to this little place in the country of Kent.

-She drank the water every day for six weeks.

-And?

And nine months later she had a bouncing baby boy

who eventually became Charles II,

and of course it was put down to this miraculous healing water.

Yes, but, I mean, you look at it,

it isn't something you'd willingly drink. It's brown.

Well, it's very high in iron,

which is why you get the iron oxide actually forming in the bowl.

I must say, it doesn't look that appetising.

If you watch when I dip, it's actually crystal clear.

Oh, yes.

Oh...

And it's only mildly staining the glass.

-There we are, good health to you.

-Good health to you.

If you'll sip it, I'll sip it.

So you get the tang of the iron.

Urgh! Cor!

That's sucking the copper.

That what they say, it's like sucking a penny when you were a child.

-Can I just have your word for it...

-You can.

-..that if I drink this, I'm not going to be pregnant?

-No.

No, I think you're quite safe.

I'm beginning to feel different already.

I'll have to go and lie down. Bring me a pan of boiling water.

I need to find out what a pantile is, Tel.

-It's nagging me now.

-No, no, I'm going to try and keep that from you.

-Do you know?

-No.

Gents, do you know what a pantile is?

A pantile is a roof tile.

Put it there.

So now we know.

-Thank you.

-You're welcome.

'Pantiles is the name also applied to thick, clay floor tiles

'originally laid here,

'but they were replaced 200 years ago with stone slabs.

'Information and entertainment.'

-It's a nice restful place, isn't it?

-Yes.

-People sitting, having cake...

-Yeah.

-..a cup of coffee.

Taking their ease.

There's a kind of holiday feeling about it, isn't there?

'To fit in with the laid-back vibe,

'we should take a leisurely breakfast like the locals,

'but we shall require a cut above your usual fry-up.'

I see there's a Lobster Hollandaise,

-Cornish lobster.

-Manx kippers.

-Manx kippers don't have tails, you know.

-No?

Exmoor caviar.

I'd like to taste that.

I've never heard of that before.

Lead the way, Mason.

This is a proper fish restaurant.

This is what I always think a fish restaurant should look like.

-Whereabouts are we here?

-We are in the old fish market.

This used to be a fishmonger's back in the day.

In the 1700s it was rebuilt

and we took it over just under two years ago.

-I'm interested about this Exmoor caviar.

-OK.

-I thought caviar came from the sea.

-It does,

but we're all about sustainability here.

The problem with caviar from Russia is they kill the fish.

You only get one amount of caviar from one fish.

In Exmoor, the guy is farming sturgeon and he is sewing them

back up so they can create more caviar.

He's sewing the fish back up? Tel, do you hear this?

That sounds fantastic, I've never had that before.

'Breakfast here also includes a Bloody Mary.

'Who am I to resist local custom?'

-There's your Virgin Mary.

-OK.

This is what I call a man-sized Bloody Mary.

-I rarely drink one this early in a morning.

-Yeah, of course.

I don't believe you.

What's this, the caviar?

This is the Exmoor.

'The world's finest caviar is the eggs, or roe of the sturgeon,

'caught in the Caspian Sea.

'Can Exeter caviar compete?'

-Well, it's an excellent caviar.

-It's nice.

I might have to take a couple of these tubs home with me,

on toast in the morning and start my day right.

Mason, here are your oysters.

Just to help you out, the Jerseys, the Lindisfarne

and these are the...

-I knew that. I knew that.

-Yeah.

That's a good Lindisfarne.

I don't know... They all taste fishy to me.

Right, and Terry, for you...

-Oh...

-Terra firma.

God bless you.

Lobster, wow!

Are you still sharing, or...?

Sharing is caring.

-Mmm.

-The family that eats lobster together, stays together.

-The right way to start the day, Terry.

-I'm not moving from here.

I don't know what you're doing for the rest of the day,

but I'm finishing my lobster.

'There's plenty of posh nosh on The Pantiles but it's not

'only the people of Tunbridge Wells with a pampered pallet,

'it's the pooches too.'

This is what I would call British overkill of animals.

However, we'll see.

I'm not a bit anthropomorphic, you see, that's the problem with me.

'Britons spend over £200 million a year on dog treats

'and in Tunbridge Wells, Catherine, the owner of this posh pet shop,

'provides the canines of Kent with their every whim.'

Do you have dogs?

-I've got a little Staff.

-They're lovely.

-We had a Weimaraner.

-They're big dogs, yeah.

Big claws, but wouldn't let anybody into the house,

any tradesmen unless they came through the tradesmen's entrance.

Yes. Well, very sensible.

Nip at the ankles - a very class-conscious dog.

Look, a little Frenchy. What's his name, mate? This little fella.

-Bijou.

-Bijou?

That's a French name. What does Bijou like to eat?

Spaghetti.

Of course he does!

A silly question!

Bolognese?

-Bolognese.

-Bolognese.

OK.

So all these treats, what have you got?

This is our pick and mix selection.

This is kind of the bad end of doggy sweeties,

these are the chocolates.

-The bad end?

-The bad end of doggy treats.

There are some things they prefer.

-They're fussy.

-Some dogs are.

We have venison chipolatas.

You've got a soft spot for venison, haven't you, son?

-They're eating better than us, Tel!

-Yeah, but why not? Why not?

-Oh, look.

-Chipolatas!

I'd like these in the cab.

-I was watching you...

-I'd eat these.

-I wouldn't be surprised if you trouser that.

-Yes!

-You can't just go on spoiling dogs.

-No, you can't.

Treats are treats and it's like the kids, isn't it?

The occasional treat's fine but you don't want to spoil them

and make them fat.

Do you like that?

Oh, yes!

'Well, somebody is spoiling their dogs.

'There's even doggy ice cream, for heaven's sake!'

We have got fish and chip chocolate.

Fish and chip chocolate!

Go for it.

-Ruff!

-It's for dogs!

-It's all right.

-I don't think it'll kill you.

You might get a waggy tail and wet nose later but...

-He always has that.

-Promises!

This treating of animals as if they were people has always

puzzled me a little bit.

How'd you know when a dog likes something?

You see, they don't go...

-GRUFF VOICE:

-"Thank you very much."

So we're going to see Rosemary Shrager,

who's a very distinguished food writer and food expert

and runs a cookery school.

We need to know more about food, don't we?

It's not just a question of shoving it down the biscuit hole,

as you say yourself.

'Celebrity chef Rosemary Shrager set up a cookery school in 2013,

'but it's not just the amateur cake bakers she's catering for,

'she's taken on the task of teaching the next generation of Kentish chefs.'

-Wow, the engine room.

-It looks like a professional kitchen.

-Rosemary Shrager.

-Welcome to my cookery school.

Welcome. Come through, yes.

-Hello, chefs.

-ALL: Hello.

So you're a hard taskmistress, I'd say.

I would say I want them to learn.

I want them to go into the big, wide world and know what they're talking about.

You know the tradition, you hear the chef screaming

at the junior staff a lot.

-We don't do that here.

-Don't you?

-No.

I'll tell you what, if you hit me with that, we're in trouble, Tel.

ROSEMARY CHUCKLES

-So no violence, Rosemary.

-My big boy there.

-It's big boy, is it?

-Big boy. So no violence, no.

'But could Rosemary's gentle teaching style sustain

'when confronted with the likes of us?'

-I would like you to actually make some eclairs.

-I don't think so.

-Who's up for it?

-No, I don't think so.

-What do you mean?

-All right, then.

-Oh! You can do it.

-OK.

'Rosemary starts me off heating up

'butter and water for the beginnings of a choux pastry.'

-Look at the way that's bubbling up.

-I know.

-You didn't think I could do that, did you?

-It's normally a Martini!

Really, really?

-Stir.

-I can't hold that and...

-Listen to me, stop talking and stir.

-Stir.

-Now look, you've got me in trouble now.

-Stir.

Yes, you're in trouble. Stir, that's no good, stir.

Rosemary, hold it down to a dull roar, will you?

'My stirring skills lacking,

'Rosemary replaces me with a machine.'

Add one egg at a time.

I'm going to stand back!

-Did you see that?

-Now we're going to do another egg.

THEY LAUGH

Right.

Oh!

Hold on, you've had a spillage.

Rosemary, have you been drinking?

'With such expert tutelage, I feel in safe hands.'

Push, push.

That's a lovely one. Bring it up.

-He's a master.

-That is sensational!

-That is a great one.

-I'm drained of all emotion.

That looks like a lizard, that one.

Just keep your opinions to yourself!

You two are naughty.

You're like two little boys!

'And here's what the eclairs should look like

'when done by the professionals.'

-No!

-What?

-Look what you've just done!

-Sorry, boss.

I can't tell you how frightening it is to be with you.

-Do you know what? I'm a pussycat.

-Oh, I'm sure.

'The finishing touch, some fine Kentish fare.'

-Pummel them to bits.

-And Kent is known for its strawberries, Rosemary?

Strawberries, cherries - all fruits, as far as I'm concerned.

-The Garden of England.

-It's just wonderful!

Oh!

That is absolutely delicious.

Oh!

-Well done, you.

-Well done, Terry.

-Thank you.

-A good effort, team.

There is a great pub called the Duke Of York.

Your man, Chamberlain, rarely recommended a pub.

"The Duke of York, you might enjoy a light collation of sandwiches

-"and a beer," but, of course, that leaves you out, doesn't it?

-Yeah.

Leave outside with a Coke and a packet of crisps.

Like I used to do with my children.

HE CHUCKLES

'Little does Mason know,

'I'm actually off to the pub for a secret assignation.

'Disgusted Of Tunbridge Wells is the famous pseudonym,

'once adopted by an anonymous, irate writer

'to newspaper letter pages.

'I'm meeting with a local who's continuing the noble tradition

'as the latest embodiment of this outraged complainer,

'but only on condition that his anonymity remains intact.'

Am I right in thinking that you would be...

..the far famed and much feared Disgusted Of Tunbridge Wells?

-CROAKY VOICE:

-Yes.

The original Disgusted Of Tunbridge Wells conceivably

would have been a retired Indian Army officer.

It is me now but I had to make sure the name continued.

It's a very noble tradition.

Do you think that there's enough people like yourself,

Disgusted, who make their feelings felt?

No, people should complain more.

If people complained more, they'd get more.

'So, does this seasoned complainer have any advice

'for our culinary journey?'

Nobody complains. If they get a bad meal...

People say, "How's your meal?"

"Oh, very nice, thank you."

I never feel obliged to leave a tip.

In fact, I never leave a tip.

A lot of waiters and waitresses...

Still looking for me.

They don't know who I am, you see.

'Time to take my leave before the bar staff recognise him.'

-West Kent.

-Yeah, sleepy little villages, Tel.

-Isn't it beautiful?

-Yeah, a nice part of England, this.

We're going to Penshurst Place.

According to Mr Chamberlain,

"A noble country mansion in feudal splendour."

Yeah, feudalism is all right as long as you had a few quid.

I'm hoping we're going to get there, Tel,

because I'm on the red now, so we've got to stop at a petrol station.

I've got to get some derv.

Unfortunately, you'll find me financially embarrassed at the moment.

-MASON CHUCKLES

-Do you have a credit or debit card that you can use?

-Uh...

-How are you, mate?

-Very well.

-Fill up?

-Yeah, diesel, please.

-No problem.

-Who are you, when you're at home?

-My name's Trevor.

-Trevor, it's nice to see you.

-To see you, lovely.

Tell us about your petrol station, Trev.

It ain't your run of the mill petrol station, is it?

It's probably going to be your prettiest petrol station ever.

I'd say certainly the most historic looking.

Yeah, built in 1890-ish,

it's probably one of the first petrol stations around.

No, it wasn't built as a petrol station?

Well, I think it was, because if you think about it,

when they built it, there would

have been two expensive, very big families in the village and they

would have wanted somewhere to get their petrol for the newfangled car.

You don't get this service at your BP and Shell, mate, do you, eh, Trev?

-No. Who's paying, then, you?

-Terry. I'll see you soon!

-I'm off!

This is a very historic manor house, they tell me - Penshurst Place.

-This reminds me of when you invited me round your house.

-Yeah.

If anything, I suppose...it's a little smaller than ours.

Look at this place! Wow!

This is, they say,

the best example of a fortified manor house in all of England.

Beautiful.

Nearly 700 years old, this remarkable house has played host to

nobility, kings and queens, and now

an Irish DJ and his Cockney cabbie.

The currant Lord De L'Isle,

whose family have owned this place for centuries,

is out fulfilling some lordly duties,

but luckily, his son and heir apparent might be knocking about.

My goodness!

I believe this is the Baron's Hall.

Maybe the highest room I've ever seen in my life.

-You'll be Dr, the honourable... Philip Sidney.

-How do you do?

Nice to see you, my friend. Thank you for inviting us in here.

-What a place!

-Yes, we're very lucky.

-Lucky!

It came to us through Edward VI, who left it to Sir William Sidney

and before that, it had sort of ping-ponged between the royal family

and people whose heads they kept chopping off.

-It's the most imposing hall I've ever been in in my life.

-Thank you.

-And you live here?

-Yes. Not in here all the time...

-I should hope not.

-You have a little room of your own?

-Yes, a little.

Thank goodness for that.

Up there on the wall is what we call a squint,

where the Lord of the Manor would gaze through and see

if someone was talking to someone they shouldn't be.

Ah, Terry, there you are.

And he could also, if anybody displeased him,

-he could loose an arrow at them from there as well.

-I suppose so.

It's glassed in at the moment, so we can't do that any more!

Oh, all right, then. No fun any more(!)

Handily, some of The Hon Philip Sidney's

chefs are rustling us up a modern medieval banquet.

Hey, Mason.

Hey, chaps.

I thought you wouldn't be standing round the gardens,

-you would have smelt the food.

-I've been watching you guys.

-Mason, you've met Dr The Hon Philip.

-Good to meet you.

The great Sidney family. This is still a hunting estate, is it?

Do animals get killed, shot and otherwise mangled around here?

-We run a shoot. We try not to mangle any animals.

-Good.

Now then...

Dr The Hon, what have we got here?

-We've got some venison from the estate.

-Lovely.

-Thank you very much.

Enjoy.

It's kind of historic, isn't it,

that we're sitting here in this Baron's Hall, which according

to John Julius Norwich is the greatest room in England?

That's very kind of him.

I wouldn't disagree.

-It's like they've knocked two rooms into one.

-Yes!

This is delicious.

And beautifully cooked.

Blackberries with venison...

You think your distinguished ancestor

would have responded well to that? Or would he have said, "What?

"I'm not having any fruit with my venison!"

In the Renaissance and Middle Ages, sweet and savoury were much

more likely to go together. Because sweet things were much

more expensive, you wanted to show off how rich you were

by putting all sorts of spices in your meat.

The Duke of Buckingham, Edward Stafford,

gave an enormous party for King Henry VIII -

a party that cost more than a million pounds in today's money.

It didn't do him very well, because two years later,

Henry VIII had his head chopped off.

-Dangerous times, eh, Terry?

-Yeah.

Mason, don't you go entertaining any noble people.

-I don't want to lose you!

-OK.

The Kentish countryside is well known for its hops.

Chamberlain talks of hop farming being one of the county's

major pursuits.

You come from the East End. East Enders every summer

-used to come to Kent, didn't they, to pick the hops?

-Yeah.

Yeah, there was a tradition there.

East Enders, like a lot of Londoners, came down here hop-picking.

It all seemed to be a kind of affectionate thing,

as if they looked forward to it, but it was hard work.

It WAS hard work, Tel, but it was a cheap holiday

-and a lot of people were struggling back then, you know?

-Yeah.

-I hope they don't want me to do any work!

-I'm not picking any hops.

Or me! Them days are over, buddy!

When Chamberlain visited these parts,

Britain produced a quarter of a million tonnes of hops.

These days, it's down to about 30,000 tonnes.

But we're off to Larkins Farm, which has been growing hops

for over 100 years and continues now with Bob Dockerty at the helm.

-How you doing?

-Afternoon. Welcome to Larkin.

Do you want to go down, see the hops that I grow for the beer?

Nothing would give me greater pleasure, Bob.

Follow me down, I'll drive this tractor.

I've got a tractor, as well!

-If I take my hat off...

-Yeah...?

-Is that a code, Bob?

-It means I'm going to go fast!

That means you're going to go fast!

Follow that tractor.

Steady yourself, Terry.

Could get rough, Captain.

Can your venerable cab take this kind of rough surface?

It's a tough one.

-Do you think we'll ever get out of here again?

-I don't know!

So, years ago, Tel,

you'd have probably have had maybe something attached to the tractor

pulling down all the cockneys down here to go to work in the fields!

-Eh?

-Yeah.

Just shows you how miserable life was in the East End that

they'd come down here for a holiday to pick hops in tents.

Bob, you've brought us through fields of waving corn...

-These are the hops? I've never seen a hop in my life.

-Really? Oh, right.

You know, mine has been a privileged life!

Well, hops have been in the family for a long time.

Grandfather got the Order Of The Hop.

He was the oldest hop grower in Europe,

-because he was still growing hops when he was 100.

-No!

-Isn't that fantastic?

-Wow.

And here are you, 30 years of age...

-So, you remember the East Enders coming down here, Bob?

-Yes.

And working away.

That's right, they'd be here, sort of, seven in the morning

-until five at night in the hop garden.

-Good crowd of people.

-They were all right.

-All right! Just all right.

Easy, pal! Watch it, mate!

They were just all right, all right.

-We managed to keep them all under control...

-Same as I do with you.

..because you only had the farmer and his wife and about ten men

on the farm and you've got 300 or 400 people who came in.

So, where are the hops, then?

Well, the hops will start to appear on these branches -

they haven't come into flower yet.

I think I'm being taken by a hop.

-It's a triffid!

-Easy, son!

This one's got a bit of disease on it, which is caused by aphids.

-See this little chap in here?

-Rascal!

Now, THAT...

No, that's my mate. That's the ladybird lava.

-Right.

-That eats the blackfly.

-Ah.

-Gosh, is it going to rain? We want rain!

-After you, Bob.

-Righty ho.

Let's go fire up the machine.

So, off to see some of last year's harvest in Bob's brewhouse -

if the cab survives the journey.

Wait up, Bob!

-Smells like a brewery in here!

-Dear me.

The old ones are the best(!)

-What you got there? Is that a hop?

-This is the actual hop.

Now, this is dried...

Hang on, I always thought a hop was a kind of knobbly little

-knotty thing. It's a leaf.

-It's a cone, a strobilus.

They're a disappointment to me, Bob.

-Well, I think you'd better try it in the beer.

-Oh, OK.

Try that one.

-Are you going to have a drink?

-Yeah, you're getting the bus today!

Oh, great!

-Listen, you can use that bus pass, can't you, now?

-Slainte!

-Oh, Bob...

-Of the gods, Bob, of the gods.

As Londoners no longer help out come harvest time, the locals do

and hand-pick hops in exchange for beer and home-made shepherd's pie.

Although we were early for hop-picking,

we got to sample both

with some of the hard-working boys from the brewhouse.

So, Bob, who would feed all the East Enders, then?

-Would the farmer feed them?

-No, they made their own food.

They would cook over open fires.

When they finished, they would sit round the fire

and sing in the evenings.

-It was like refugees from the East End.

-Much like yourself, son!

-Cheers. Here's to all of us.

-Cheers.

-Lovely pint, really nice.

-Cheers.

This brings me back to my school days.

Continually spent my life waiting for a bus, and it's all your fault.

-You don't mind if I have a drink, do you?

-Who said you could have a drink?

-We could be going in the taxi!

-Come on, let's have a walk.

-Really?

-Yeah, have a walk.

-Walking to the bus?

-Yeah, we'll get one.

-Anyway, did you like the brewery?

-I'm not a great beer drinker.

You done all right in my eyes.

You don't drink much beer either, do you?

Well, to look this good, you can't drink too much beer,

but you done some beer damage in there. How many pints did you have?

-Only four.

-Only four?!