British Statues Brushing up on...

Good evening. Before you're settled, I'd like to UNSETTLE you

with an absolute bombshell of a statement -

-"Monumental statuary died with the advent of the trouser".

-DRAMATIC MUSIC

There, I've said it. Think about that.

You rarely see a statue of a person in trousers and ask yourselves why.

Because trousers on a statue just look like fat legs.

Oh, the sculpturists were on easy street

while all "great men" strode around nude

or in gartered breeches or a toga

but as soon as we began slipping into anything with a belt

or that came in a relaxed fit, the game was up.

They can't even stick our heroes on a horse any more and who,

for crying out loud, wants to see a statue of a king in a car?

That'd be ridiculous!

Even the Flintstones didn't have a stone car, did they?

-I mean, where are we?

-NEEDLE SCRATCHES

I'm sorry.

As you can see, this is a highly emotive subject for me

and I'm getting ahead of myself.

Let me start again.

Tonight's programme examines the TV history of statues.

Statues! Oh! It's going to be ripe!

Nobody knows how statues got going.

Not the most academic statement,

but they are bizarre, old things, aren't they?

Possibly, an early caveman looked at a rock and said to his chum,

"Is it me or does that boulder look like John's wife, Wendy?"

Then with a piece of flint he just went ahead and finished the job.

Bingo! Statues have started. Now, they're everywhere.

MUSIC: "Eye Level" by The Simon Park Orchestra

I think it's fair to say we're all mesmerised by statues.

Transfixed. How much easier would it be to get about town

if we didn't always have to stop, ponder, and yes, sometimes weep

at the foot of some newly erected public figure?

Nobody takes them for granted,

despite what some obsessives believe.

Thousands of people must pass this statue every day

without having the faintest idea who it is.

I'm pretty certain you haven't either.

It's Spencer Compton, Eighth Duke of Devonshire.

What was his claim to fame? Well, he had two great claims to fame.

First, he had an absolutely uproarious love affair

with a tart named Skittles.

And his other claim to fame was that on two occasions,

he refused the job of Prime Minister.

That's quite something.

I don't buy a word of that -

although Skittles IS a brilliant name for a tart.

But how can this man, so preoccupied with historic strumpets,

claim WE don't notice a statue of the Eighth Duke Of Devonshire

when he hasn't even noticed that His Grace himself is standing right behind him!

Most likely on his way to a rendezvous with Skittles herself.

Oh, yes, the history of monumental TV is littered with half-truths.

Though, as ever, when in doubt, dial a Dimbleby.

Good evening. Hello.

I've noticed what I dare say many of you have noticed, too,

the extraordinary number of statues that there are about the place.

Now, for example, in Trafalgar Square,

I also found what must be the most beautiful equestrian statue

in London - King Charles I at the top of Whitehall.

I found two statue cleaners from the Ministry of Works,

giving the king a wash and brush up.

And it struck me that they must have a very interesting job.

Polishing a horse's bum?

You know, it strikes me that polishing a horse's arse

is pretty much the sole duty

of Simon Cowell's make-up lady. Ha! Anyway...

Hello, how do you do? You've never fallen off the top of one of those?

-You bet I have!

-Which one?

Abraham Lincoln, I lost two teeth!

This is Toxteth, Liverpool.

Here, on the wall of a Methodist church, is the site of a new statue.

A larger than life-size figure of the resurrection by Arthur Dooley.

That's it? OK.

I'll just have a look for the gear.

LOUD WHIRRING

WHIRRING DROWNS SPEECH

LOUD WHIRRING

Oh, don't wince like that!

What you're witnessing here is bold!

It's the Omar Sharif's entrance into Lawrence Of Arabia...

of irritating blender footage.

I suggested, "Let's put a multi-racial Christ up.

"Winning HERE, not in the next world."

That pie-in-the-sky thing has played out.

We want it now, you know? And they bought it.

I don't know exactly what he's going to do,

and I don't think, at this stage,

Arthur fully knows how he's going to work this thing out.

How much remains to be done to the face?

Are you going to give it a great deal more expression

-or are you going to leave it this blank...?

-That's the second one.

I took one off that wasn't good enough.

I'm happy with it now I've got something to work on.

So, I'm not even bothered about it.

I unveil this piece of sculpture

depicting the resurrection of Jesus Christ.

GROANS, MURMURING

Praying that God, who inspired the work,

will speak his own word though it.

-What have been the reactions from your congregation?

-Very mixed.

Do you think he looks like that?

I mean, no-one's ever really seen him, but, um...

I think it's revolting.

"Revolting"? Too strong.

Though not as harsh as the little kid who made a throwing up noise

when the sheet came off it.

Uggghhh!

The unveiling ceremony, of course, has a powerful hold upon us all.

As a nation, indeed, as a species,

we yearn to see a finely hewn hunk of marble or bronze

dramatically released from its tarpaulin hideaway.

I believe it was Socrates, or possibly Eminem,

who put it best, when they said, "Come on, Pop.

"Let the top drop. And show us the prop."

Mrs Pankhurst has won...

..for herself a niche...

..in the temple of fame

which will last for all time.

SHOUTS OF "HEAR, HEAR!"

APPLAUSE

BRASS BAND PLAYS

SILENCE

Come on, everyone. Applause, applause, applause.

Lord Elpus has come a long way to be with us today!

-APPLAUSE

-That's better.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

In honour of the memory of Henry Croft, the first Pearly King,

I unveil this statue.

GASPS AND MURMURS

APPLAUSE

Actual gasp of awe, there! That's more like it.

And did you see the size of those crowds?

Now that's a turn out for an unveiling, isn't it?

You wouldn't get that today, I grant you.

But back in the '30s, getting an early glimpse of a new statue wasn't

a niche event, it was a huge national deal.

Sort of Britain's Got Chisels.

Incidentally, did you catch Lord Elpus'

ad-lib at the end of his speech? Listen again.

Just after his fine words climax,

he mutters the stage instruction, "Now the trumpets."

And trumpets there are!

Now the trumpets.

TRUMPETS PLAY

You see? Total control.

And that's why he earned the big bucks for those gigs. He's the best.

Of course, you have to be very careful with these things

that your chosen unveiler doesn't outshine the unveilee.

Perhaps that's why so many committees and corporations

play rather safe when it comes to one particular chosen subject.

Somebody even the Queen herself can barely upstage.

By the way, look out for some champion nervous lip licking here

alongside Her Majesty.

APPLAUSE

NEWSREEL: 'Nearly a tonne of belligerent bronze...'

'Two tonnes of Churchill in bronze.'

Mr McFolley, there are lot of uncomplimentary things that have been

-said about this and the gorilla-like caricature.

-Well, you can see for

-yourself they are quite without foundation.

-Do you feel you have

-brought out every facet of Sir Winston's character?

-No. It wasn't my

endeavour to bring out every facet of his character, but I claim that I

have revealed the most dominant characteristics of Sir Winston, for

example, the great breadth of his brow

and, er..

the slightly hooded eyelids which reveal his warm humanity.

Now the aim of this programme is to celebrate the sculptor's gift,

not to denigrate.

But the only Winston that thing looks a bit like is Ray.

Maybe the artist has just sculpted the entirely wrong English

hero by mistake. Aiming for Churchill, he has in fact

delivered Noel Coward.

# Mad dogs and Englishmen... #

On the other hand, this is your second attempt, isn't it?

Yes. I offered my sponsors two distinct versions.

My first is shown here.

Sir Winston stands with his fists clenched

and in a somewhat theatrical position.

The test which we applied was to cover the head

and then I asked my sponsors who this could be.

Oh, I don't know, standing like this? Larry Grayson?

See, here's the problem.

Statues famously have permanence.

Sculpting is the only job in the world where you can't use

the phrase, "All right, calm down, it's not set in stone."

The fact is, no public monument ever takes its place in a town square

without having been preceded by a very cultured, very frank,

very adult, very British verbal bloodbath.

Which brings us to the great steel structure Of Sheffield.

They invented stainless steel in Sheffield.

So, I thought very early on how very lovely to have something

made of stainless steel.

Rarely used for sculpture on a large-scale, it's expensive,

very difficult to make. So...

there was my starting point.

He knew what was wanted in terms of scale

and in terms of size or perhaps more importantly

in terms of size and scale

and he, erm...

came up with an idea.

When I saw the first maquette...

A maquette is just a fancy name for a little model.

..I was appalled. I thought it looked awful.

Certainly everybody's opinion is worth listening to,

not necessarily worth taking.

The client is usually deeply concerned and usually

an intelligent fellow like oneself and if he says, don't you think

it should be like this, you either say, by Jove, you're right,

marvellous, that sort of help is terrific...

or you say, no, I don't and these are my reasons.

And if he still doesn't like it, well, then, to hell with him!

We will return to that particular unfolding drama

elsewhere in tonight's programme. Also, if there's time,

I'll be showing you how you can sculpt a tribute

-to the councillor's hair...

-I was appalled...

..using just three boxes of Brillo pads and a memory of Danny La Rue

in everyday clothes.

# His name was Rico He wore a diamond. #

Ultimately, of course, you can't please everyone and what one person

sees as the perfect classical melding of form, grandeur

and deep spiritual nourishment might always make the person next to them

go, "Ha-ha-ha!"

This is the spare fig leaf

for the Achilles statue in Hyde Park.

We carry this because when the statue was originally...

erected...

it was completely naked. Achilles was completely naked

and the women of England who had subscribed to the statue

were quite horrified!

Immediately steps were taken to rectify this

and Achilles was provided with a fig leaf.

Some five years or so ago, this fig leaf was removed

and very quickly we had to replace it

and so in case this happens again, we carry a spare one

so that we can immediately take action to cover him up if necessary.

I mean, fair play to him for playing that entire scene

with a straight bat. And, yes, I know, you up the back,

I do know he hesitated fatefully before one particular word.

When the statue was originally... erected...

Oh, please. Stop that tiresome giggling, will you?

May I remind you, your accumulative age as an audience,

based on the most recent figures, is 11,672,000 years old.

Can we grow up a bit?

If we are going to seriously examine public statues then

obviously there's going to be lots and lots of talk about erections.

Many of them sizeable and handsome. Oh, come on!

You may as well snigger at the word "bullocks".

I want to see a statue, a big statue, of a genuine Hereford bull.

The Hereford bull is like the British Empire used to be.

The sun never sets on it.

What do you think about the idea to erect a statue to a Hereford bull

-in town?

-It wants it.

-It wants it?

-Definitely.

Well, it seems a singularly appropriate thing to do.

You mean in the centre of High Town?

We're not sure where they are going to put it. Where would you put it?

I think perhaps in High Town.

I would like to have it put in the middle of a roundabout

situated at the junction of the ring road

with Commercial Street and Commercial Road.

If you consider what they have done in America for Lincoln,

what they used to do for Stalin in Russia before he fell into discredit,

it was two or three times the real size.

-How big would you like to see it?

-Tremendous size.

Same size as an ordinary bull.

Big as possible.

Oh, 500 feet!

-About 500 feet?

-You like Herefords that much, do you?

-Yes.

That pan-Hereford pine for a bovine shrine

actually bore fruit in 2012 when a solid bronze of the revered beast

was finally plonked down in the town centre.

You mean in the centre of High Town?

Though only life-size sadly and not the 500 feet of tribute

as requested by that one blue-sky thinker.

Can you imagine 500 feet of cow flesh?

That's Herculean!

Or, as Eric Pickles calls it, a sandwich.

Oh, and speaking of Hercules...

FEROCIOUS GROWLING

NEWS REPORT: A big statue to remember an even bigger personality.

This life-sized carving of Hercules the bear

has been unveiled in woodland in North Uist.

It's a spot that is very special to Andy and Maggie Robin.

It's the scene of their beloved bear's biggest adventure.

Hercules the grisly bear,

which went missing in the Outer Hebrides last month, has been seen

alive and apparently well.

'Reports of other sightings came in,

'among them Alistair MacDonald and his neighbour, Angus MacDonald.'

-You actually saw the bear?

-Yes.

-From what distance?

-Be about a mile or so.

-And what was he doing?

He was just walking across the moors, you know.

The police chased it for three or four miles

and then it eluded us altogether.

In fact, he was found on North Uist. 15 miles from Benbecula.

The Robins raised Hercules from a cub

and Andy intended to incorporate him in his wrestling act.

Wait, whoa, wait... his wrestling act?

The bear was part of a Highland wrestling act?

How could the reporter just deliver that incendiary titbit so calmly -

no surprise, no chuckle in his voice, no censure. Listen.

'Andy intended to incorporate him in his wrestling act.'

Today on TV there'd be about 20 exclamation marks after that

phrase in case we didn't "get" how insane it is.

A bear in his wrestling act.

Maybe he was making it up.

Oh, no, he wasn't!

I don't think he would ever, ever turn on me,

but don't let's forget it is a very,

very dangerous thing to wrestle Hercules,

because he's 32 stone just now and stretches to nearly seven feet.

And if he hooks you accidentally, catches any part of your body,

you are a goner.

Look at him there. He's just beautiful.

One swipe of these big paws and the wife'd be a goner.

When he was finally found, his Hebridean exploits

shot Hercules to stardom.

He was voted Scottish Personality of the Year.

Well, there's one in the eye for previous winner Sheena Easton.

People have always said that bears have no expressions,

-but you can read his face.

-A lot of rubbish. Look at him there.

His expressions change every ten minutes.

I'll just go and get him some Coca-Cola.

Get him some Coca-Cola.

He was eating baked beans and Coca-Cola. Beans and Coca-Cola.

And, be fair, he looked great on it, a lot better than

the only other species who exclusively share that diet -

teenagers.

Seriously, I don't think his tag-team partner did too much

research on bears in the wild before buying Hercules, do you?

Or he would have noticed under "what bears eat", it said,

baked beans - no. Human beans - yes!

FEROCIOUS GROWLING

Let us ingest a small palate cleanser at this point.

Remember David Wynne, the artist

whose bold vision was being worn away by a meddling bureaucracy?

How's he doing?

-I think you want one leg off.

-Yes.

-Yes, at least.

-I reckon you want to take the two arms...

up there. There's no room for a clean joint. We'll have to cut

straight and that wants to come off about there.

Well, if we're having one leg off

might it not be as well just to have them both off?

Up to you.

Taking the legs off that now.

Seems to me the council didn't so much want the statue

as the plinth it stands on.

Still, that would cut down on maintenance

and be in no doubt, statues require constant maintenance, else lose

ground to their eternal enemy -

the cursed bums of passing birds.

Over the last month,

Nelson's Column has had over 600 weight of droppings cleaned off it.

And the other week I went along there

to see how they were getting on.

-You go first and I'll follow.

-OK.

If you're expecting something facetious now

because it's Blue Peter, think again.

This footage is too breathtaking -

children's television as imagined by Alfred Hitchcock

and the entire team deserve nothing but total respect.

I think I'll have a little rest.

'Our cameraman, Terry, was waiting at the top

'and he really did have a bird's-eye view of me

'reaching the worst part of the climb.

'At this level, the plinth on which Nelson stands overhangs the Column.

'I found myself literally hanging from the ladder

'with nothing at all beneath me.'

BIRDS SQUAWK

Ughh! You told me there was overhang

but you didn't tell me it leant to one side.

-No, that was the awkward part!

-By gum!

It's a long way up, really, isn't it?

I'm just... that's it. You're all right there.

When you're lowering, you just slacken it off a touch like that.

Don't slacken it off too much. OK?

-Now just look over the edge and see those steps down there.

-Yeah.

If you look over the edge, you can see all the footholds.

A note here to anyone under the age of 20.

You may be saying now, "Oh, I know how they do that, it's very clever.

"They put up a green screen

"and then a computer puts all the effects in afterwards!"

Kids... it's not.

Embarrassingly though, this...

is. We can't all be John Noakes, you know.

I'd rather not let go of the edge!

It's one of those sort of sights that you can do without!

Move down a couple of more feet.

That's it, get your hands underneath there. Don't scrape your hands

on there too much.

Once you've got a decent foothold,

you can let yourself down a bit more there.

There's a bit of technique, I suppose, that you...

Yeah, once you have mastered it, you're all right.

-Right.

-OK?

-Yeah. You coming down to join me?

Yes, I am coming right down there now.

-Ha-ha-ha!

-OK? Do you feel all right?

-Yeah. Feels fine.

-Good.

I tell you what. There's only one bucket, only one trouser.

I'll just swing around and watch you work and see how the experts do it.

That's the stuff, John!

Under the circumstances, you couldn't really blame

John if he had already contributed a bit of that himself there,

could you? Of course, being the Noakes,

he decided that in fact the scenario needed even more peril.

I suppose before I go down I need to go right to the very top.

-Yes, why not?

-I'll never do it again.

-Go and have another look.

By gum!

Incredible to think that these days there's an express lift

inside that Column that goes right up to the great new restaurant

inside Nelson's hat. Try the Battle Of The Nile Burger,

although if you're weight-watching, specify I See No Chips.

And mention this show for a free Kiss-Me-Hardy Cocktail!

Do you remember David Wynne

and the Sisyphean task he had with his statue in Sheffield?

Well, he eventually won over the dozen members of the council

but then he had to start on the rest of the world.

HORSE WHINNIES

WONDROUS EXCLAMATIONS

REPORT: What do Sheffield's town planners feel about the piece?

Mr Adamson, Chief Planner.

Erm...

-And Chris Goode, Assistant Planner.

-I think it's superb.

Sheffield sculpture teacher, Graham King.

I don't like it at all. It's too smooth, ain't it?

One has one's thing and it isn't exactly my thing.

I love the head of Virginia Wade and every time I look at it

I keep going back and thinking, I wish Virginia Wade's head was there.

I think that is absolutely splendid.

So, now what?

Erm...

..there's still, I mean, there's still work to be done.

What I've tried to do is to find a balance between naturalism

and formal classical abstraction.

Oh, well played, mate!

Yes, when losing professional altitude like that, if you can't

find the ejector seat then reach for some challenging modish claptrap.

Usually helps.

Usually.

The one thing that struck me is her shoes.

Shoes with those sort of straps

always look a bit tarty to me.

I can hear my wife saying...

..why is she wearing those shoes? Those shoes...

It's the ankle strap that gives it that...

Are they timeless, classic shoes or are they out-of-date shoes?

The... you know,

I'm happy to look at straps.

The poor bloke.

Commissioned to create a touching lover's tableau

for St Pancras Station and they're making him feel like he's delivered

some sort of sleazy sex doll. Tarty shoes!

There is nothing "tarty" about high-heeled sling-backs,

my provincial pal.

They're hard on the calf muscles for sure,

but some of us prefer to sacrifice comfort for fashion. OK?

I found that a touching, timeless and tasteful effigy,

if you must know. Well, comparatively.

Well, what made you decide on King Kong for a place like Birmingham?

Well...

the work was meant to be...

"city-orientated" was the way it was described

and that immediately made me think of King Kong.

How do you think King Kong is city-orientated?

Well, as... when you think of King Kong, you think of New York.

And as I must... I haven't really compared Birmingham with New York

till I came in on the train this morning, actually.

It did look quite like New York, I thought.

Lord Nelson's Column should be there, Lord Nelson's statue.

Something to stand up for.

It's nothing. What does that represent?

What does it represent? Nothing.

Weirdly, in a complete reversal to the climax of King Kong,

an outraged city soon climbed up the giant gorilla.

No squadron of biplanes were sent to pepper the protestors

with bullets, however - just a pair of half-hearted Old Bill.

This is the property of the people of Birmingham.

It's the property of the town.

This is the property of the town. You've no right to arrest us.

I'm not going anywhere.

PEOPLE REMONSTRATE

And just six months after its...

erection...

the big Baboon Of Birmingham was crated up, shipped off and sold.

Now he's been demoted to selling second-hand cars.

The man who bought King Kong is Mr Mike Shanley.

Mike, why have you bought King Kong?

I think he'll be a good publicity agent for me

-and he'll bring more customers here.

-You paid almost £3,000?

-You think it's a good buy for the money?

-I think so.

I'm sure he'll bring people here. You've only got to look at the cars

and buses going past.

He paid £3,000

for a big statue of King Kong. In 1972!

Kids, in 1972, a top footballer's wages was only £4.50 a week.

It's like Jack And The Beanstalk all over again.

His mum gave him £3,000 to go out and buy Man United

and he came home with a giant statue of King Kong.

Yes, people climbed up it. But there was no pot of gold. No singing harp.

Just a couple of Plod yearning for the warmth of their Z-Car.

Anyway, we're nearly done.

Believe it or not, this has been the first ever proper examination

of statues on television.

I guess that's because TV is such an animated, bustling industry

that the static, motionless world of lifeless figures

is a totally alien concept to us.

But perhaps we've helped explode that myth tonight.

Statues - fun, fascinating, controversial, divisive -

and a tremendous amount of hard work

both before completion, during installation and after erection!

I'm all for them!

Good night.

Trumpets now!

# Here comes the equestrian statue

# Prancing up and down the Square

# Little old ladies stop and say, "Well..."

# And declare

# Once a month on a Friday There's a man

# With a mop and bucket in his hand

# To him it's just another working day

# So he whistles as he rubs and scrubs away... #