Changing Families Child of our Time

# We have all the time...

# ..in the world

Thirteen years ago, the BBC set out on an ambitious project

to follow the lives of 25 children after their birth at the millennium.

# We have all...

We've captured ordinary family life in 21st-century Britain.

From towns and villages

to inner cities and the countryside.

# You will find...

# ..we need nothing more

Our cameras have followed the Child Of Our Time families

and, in the process, we've witnessed the changing lives of the children

who are hitting their teenage years.

Being 12 is like being in the middle of being a teenager and being in the middle of a kid.

You're an in-between age so you kind of feel different from others.

Every day should be an ice-cream day when you're 12 because your body can take it.

People will be best friends with you just for a piece of gum,

Everyone is obsessed with chewing gum at 12.

# Just for love

# Nothing more

# Nothing less

She used to love pink.

And fairies, and things like that. But that's now gone.

She is good at doing that teenage focusing out the rest of the world,

where they don't see anything apart from what's immediately in front of them on a screen.

-Bossy, would you say?

-But there again, she's 12, she's experimenting with...

Yeah, but she bosses you around an awful lot. And me.

Inevitably, it's not been easy for all our children.

Some have had to cope with difficult times.

I never guessed she would die.

But I can remember clearly the afternoon I found out.

I think I was ten and my dad had an affair.

We'd sit and sing Bob The Builder, "Can we fix it? Yes, we can!"

And I used to join in like a silly fool.

Tonight, our families,

three generations of them, reflect on the last 13 years.

# Only love #

Family life in Britain is said to be in crisis.

But it remains how most of us still define ourselves -

as brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles,

parents, children, or even grandparents.

Nothing ever, ever prepares you for having children.

Ever.

You think "Gosh, you know, am I really allowed to have children?"

"I don't know where I've parked the car. I shouldn't be allowed to have them."

He was so beautiful.

God knows me and he knows what he has to do to make me smile, so he made him so gorgeous.

Jamie was absolutely enormous when he was born.

I'm glad I didn't have him naturally anyway.

LAUGHS

You can go buy the most fancy car, stereo, washing machine, you get an owner's manual with it, a handbook.

The most important thing you'll ever have to look after,

you bring it out the hospital, there's no manual, and you just do the best you can.

It just completely changed our lives.

There wouldn't be a life without the children, they become your life. They are my life.

# Away in a manger

# No crib for... #

The 25 children were all born between September 1999

and February 2000.

Jacqi Langeveld was pregnant with twins.

But four weeks before she was due to give birth, she went into labour.

And there were complications.

I was holding Jacqui's hand and I remember looking at her

and her breathing and having the drugs and everything in,

and knowing that she wasn't aware at that precise moment,

being aware of what had happened.

The labour all turned into a nightmare.

You feel like, I just want this whole thing to end now, you know?

I don't want children, I don't want to be alive, I don't want any of this.

I couldn't see how it was all going to end, you know, it was just awful.

Their first baby, Alexander, was stillborn.

12 years on, I remember just this ringing, deafening silence.

I just couldn't believe that it was happening.

And...

Sorry.

They didn't tell me what he was.

And I had to ask whether it was a boy or a girl.

Soon after, the second twin, Charlotte, was born.

They delivered her.

And, er,... she was beautiful.

So... Sorry.

And quite quickly she opened her eyes and these big brown eyes

stared straight at you and she was incredibly alert.

It was so obvious, I felt, that she was a fighter.

I just knew she was all right from the beginning.

Life does go on.

And whilst we were down in the dumps, obviously,

we still had a beautiful little girl that we had to look after.

If you've got any grief in your life,

the most wonderful thing about children is they force you to go forwards.

The simplest, easiest things may go wrong.

And...

So it's really important to cherish what you have.

Mummy!

Charlotte grew up to be a healthy, happy and very sensitive little girl.

And 18 months later, Jacqi gave birth to her sister Jasmine.

LAUGHS

Once upon a time, there was two little girls.

One was called Jasmine and one was called Charlotte.

There was a mum called Jacqui and there was a dad called Richard.

Later that year, Jacqui and Richard got married.

Lovely. One more.

Jacqui and I had been together for quite a while but, um,

once we were married, for some inexplicable reason, we did,

and I don't know at what point, but we did start to drift apart.

One of the key things was, I was working, um, full-time,

as was Richard, and so I think

there was a lot less time to go round for everybody.

And, like a lot of parents, it's hard to find the time to talk.

I think my mum and dad separated, um,

partly because they lost Alexander.

And I sort of think that maybe pushed them away a bit

rather than bringing them together.

Ah! Not cuddling, not kissing.

Not talking, not talking.

Charlotte and Jasmine cuddle each other.

But not Mummy and Daddy.

I do feel that I've failed myself

and failed Charlotte and Jasmine.

And also failed my family as well.

I have a brother and sister, they're both married.

I have my parents, they're married.

And, um, as hard as I try, I still have at the back of my mind

the fact that I failed and I've let some people down.

Hi, darling.

Mmmmmwah!

-For the day.

-Um-hmm.

I try not to tell them how I feel about their separation

because I think it might upset them and make them feel bad.

Although she is, most of the time, you know,

putting a brave face on things and getting on with it.

You know, there are times when both her and Jasmine

do need to just let it out and just say, you know,

"Sometimes it is tough."

And it's important, I think, that both Richard and I listen to that and just say, "I hear you."

She's very, very sensitive and, possibly underneath

there is, subconsciously even,

this feeling that things are not absolutely perfect.

But, as she's getting older, it's getting better, I think.

And she's finding it much easier.

And I think Charlotte is coping with it very well.

Do you want to put a bit of meat on your mum's plate?

Charlotte's mother and father are in new relationships.

And, like many children, Charlotte is now part of a large extended family.

I really enjoy having older step-siblings.

They're generally really nice.

And they do your hair and stuff like that.

The beautiful thing about children is, with all the sensitivity Charlotte has,

children don't mind telling you

that Helen is, in fact, a great cook.

"When Helen cooks this, Mum, it's delicious. Will you ask her what she does that you don't do?"

Sometimes I do wish that my parents were back together

but I wouldn't change anything

in my family. I love it exactly how it is.

Charlotte has coped with the change to her family.

But we all know how difficult it can be to keep a family together.

I think that my parents have got a good relationship

because they rarely argue

and they always laugh together and it makes me happy.

-Compromise.

-Compromise is...

As long as it's my way, I don't mind compromising

We've been married 52 years. We feel that the secret of a happy marriage

is tolerance, understanding of one another's needs.

The secret of my marriage is having been lucky enough to marry a wonderful guy

I think one of the key elements of a successful family is having time together.

Because you can have all the principles in the world,

but if you're not there, you're not there.

And your principles are just puffs in the air.

If there is no strong relationship between mother and father

that will have an effect on the children.

Perhaps we've knocked each other's corners off a bit.

And we've found ourselves where we are now

quite happy with each other, sort of.

Ooh, you are presumptuous.

Yeah.

Right. I need to get to your tummy. Slide those down.

To me, family is the most important thing in your life really.

Jelly on your tummy. Cold. Yeah?

I just love having children.

-I'm going to.

-And that was just as well.

Because her scan revealed that Tracey was pregnant with triplets.

There's one baby here. You see the membrane?

We had the scan. They moved around on the thing and gave knowing looks to each other.

And then they told her and they went, "Look, one, two, three."

He just come straight out and phoned up his mum and dad and told them.

Nigel was incredibly proud of knowing that he'd fathered triplets.

It's quite a skill - three eggs, three sperm. It's not easy.

Tracey went into labour on the 4th of January 2000.

The girls were born by caesarean section

and were Europe's first triplets of the new millennium.

BABIES CRY

Number one is Alice.

Number two is Mabel.

And number three is Phoebe.

BABIES CRY

CRYING

The girls weren't the Ballers' first children.

They already had three. Two boys and a girl.

We've got a little house, a little car, how are we going to get the blooming kids in there?

It's having somewhere to put them because there isn't enough room.

You've got three of everything. You've got three cots, three chairs.

-So we had to get a bigger car for a start.

-We had to move house.

-Move house, yeah.

We'd get through about nearly 200 bottles per week

and about 200 nappies per week.

-I'm sure they had a dip in sales.

-When they came out of nappies, yeah.

It is hard to get the balance of making sure

that all the children's needs are met.

So you've got to have time slots.

There's time when the little ones are asleep when you can give them your time,

so they feel they're part of the team as well.

Do you know what I mean? It's not just Mummy and Daddy.

It's doing it, everybody's involved.

And the same as we've always included Nan and Grandad in everything.

That's how I know family life to be.

I'm glad Tracey let me get involved with them.

I've had a lovely few years with them as young babies

and little children.

Give them cuddles and things like that.

Sit and watch Bob The Builder and all that sort of thing, you know.

We sit and sing Bob The Builder. "Can we fix it? Yes, we can."

And I used to join in like a silly fool.

Come on, then. Hold Mummy's hand

Hold hands.

# Magic moments

I thought, given the same environment,

they'd all grow very similarly.

But they're just completely poles apart, all of them.

# Memories we've been sharing

It looks easy. You hold

two with one hand and walk. It's not simple because they want to stop and do their own thing.

I tried them all on dog leads once, I had three dog leads.

If one fell, it jolted you, so you pulled the other two over on their leads. That didn't work.

# Time can't erase the memory of

# These magic moments

# Filled with love #

They may be triplets but, as the girls get older, they're developing at different rates.

Because of puberty and what's going on and, you know, their ages,

there is more arguing now than what there has been in the past.

Leaving the door open in the morning, slamming the drawers.

-When you're sound asleep.

-When you're supposed to be getting ready and I can't go into my own bedroom.

-Putting the lights on when we're asleep.

-That's you!

-That's not me.

Sometimes, they want to kill each other.

Sometimes, they're really happy with each other.

It's just a normal sister relationship.

-You come in, turn the light on.

-I wait till Mabel's here.

-Put your pyjamas on. Turn off the light.

"I need to get something else." Turn on the light.

It's only when Mabel's in here. When you're in here, all I know when I come in here is,

"What are you doing?"

ALL LAUGH

Mabel's reached puberty and that is a lot of, you know...

She's neither a girl or a woman at the moment.

So there's a lot of emotions going on there and, you know,

she's a typical teenager really.

You can't walk in the room in the morning.

If I'm sleeping, you don't just slam the bloody door.

Pot calling the kettle black a bit.

OK. Let us leave. She takes things too seriously

I'm happy that Mabel's gone through it first really.

Because the thought of having three go through it together is just a bloody nightmare to be honest.

Finding time to get away as a family is really important to Tracey and Nigel.

But the girls are beginning to have their own opinion of the family holiday.

We go camping every year.

It's mum's idea to go camping. But it rains all the time.

TRACEY: I just love camping.

It's an adventure. I like the fact that you put everything

you'll ever need to survive on the top of your car and just go.

Me and Mabel are probably the ones that hate it the most.

-Bloody horrible, this!

-I know!

We picked the wrong bloody weather.

LAUGHS

Never mind.

I love children. That's why I've got so many.

Hold that steady.

It has been lovely watching them grow up.

It goes by too quickly, to be completely honest with you.

I mean, in no time, they've gone from being in a...

You know, you can still see them being in your arms.

-The next minute...

-One minute, you're watching Barney The Purple Dinosaur.

-Next, you're lending them £10 cos they've run out of cash.

-Yeah.

In an instant, they've gone from being little girls that hold your hand to cross the road into

independent girls who want you to drop them off at the pictures

and come and pick them up later.

It's quite sad really.

I'm glad I've been involved with them all.

And it's been lovely, lovely while it lasted.

And I knew it wouldn't last forever.

But I've got them memories, haven't I? I'll remember them as they was.

Now they're growing up, I'm glad they're growing up to be nice young ladies.

And I love them to bits.

What will we do when the last child goes and the door slams shut

and there's that eerie little silence? I said, "What will we talk about?"

-"We'll have grandchildren," I said.

-Oh, yeah, the grandchildren.

I hadn't actually thought of that, you see.

They'll all still keep coming back and they'll be bringing extras.

He doesn't like that. He wants to sit up.

It seems the Baller family is set to grow even more.

And they're still together.

Half of our families are either divorced or separated.

The fact is, in Britain, nearly 50% of parents separate.

It's a problem that different couples have to face in different ways.

My parents getting divorced hasn't had an impact on me.

When you first get together with somebody,

that person is your priority because it's just the two of you.

Then children come along, and the overwhelming love you feel for a child,

I can imagine, for some, it would be very easy for that to take over.

And maybe it did in my case, I don't know.

A lot of us are separated.

So, actually, we're not doing anything terribly different to the rest of the society out there.

As a chap, we're supposed to be tough. But...

..the separation and subsequent divorce

left a massive, massive hole in my life.

All kids get hurt by this and, you know,

to understand is part of taking away the hurt, the pain and the devastation that causes.

I think I was 10.

And my dad had an affair.

He used to say he was at work, but he was actually up in Scotland

with another woman.

And just...

My mum found out.

It's hard to explain to a 10-year-old what's happened. Um...

You know, your dad's had an affair with another lady.

How can a 10-year-old comprehend that really?

When Jamie Craven was four, he was diagnosed with diabetes

and needed regular injections of insulin.

-Get your injection.

-I don't want my injections now!

Although Jamie learned to cope with his condition, his dad Ian struggled.

When Jamie was diagnosed,

I always have had, and still have, a phobia with needles.

I'm petrified of needles. And, obviously, being diabetic

and insulin-dependent, you've got to inject.

CRIES

I was really, really struggling

because, I thought, I couldn't even do that to myself,

never mind, you know, basically having to make him do it.

He always used to try and help me but he couldn't really cos he didn't really like needles, you know.

And it was just...

..hard for him cos he was trying to do his best.

I can't have him looking at me thinking I'm frightened and concerned about it.

It'll just make him worse.

CRIES

All right, sweetheart.

I was asked would I go and do this job in Scotland for 10 days.

And, right or wrong, I said, "Yeah, I'm off."

I took the coward's way and I bolted and run off.

Ian just disappeared because he couldn't cope with it.

And left me to deal with it all on my own.

So there I was, on my own at home with this child.

It was an absolutely horrible time, horrible.

I know she was upset and I shouldn't have gone but...

We can all say that at the time.

At the time, I thought it was what I needed to do.

I used to be in the house with my mum a lot

because my dad always used to be at work, away with work a lot.

Going right back, my father did exactly the same as me.

He'd go away and be away all the time.

So I grew up in that environment so...

I think, whatever environment you grow up in, you think that's normal.

I thought I was doing the right thing. But looking back, possibly it wasn't the best thing to do.

With Ian working away from home and Sharon struggling with depression,

the marriage came under strain.

In 2008, Ian had an affair.

My mum wasn't happy, well, you wouldn't be.

It was like, "I want a divorce and we're moving out."

So we moved out and they got divorced.

He just kept saying, "Why?"

"Why has he done it?" Well, I can't answer that.

But it was me he was asking the questions to.

As a parent, trying to manage your children's emotions

as well as your own when you're going through a break up is quite difficult.

You're trying to hold it all together,

to be strong for your children.

But I'm afraid, I... I...

Sometimes... Well, quite a lot of the time at the beginning,

I couldn't hold it all together.

I knew she wasn't very happy with my dad.

And I didn't want to make it worse.

So me and my sister just talked to each other a lot.

He did, unfortunately, witness me cutting Ian's shirts up one day.

And it just wasn't fair what the children were going through.

It wasn't their relationship that had broken down.

It was my relationship with Ian.

Following their divorce, Jamie still sees his dad as much as he can.

We've tried to stay as close as we can.

But he's away with work a lot.

And we can't really see each other that much now.

Sharon now has a new partner.

I met Barry in April 2011.

He's taken Jamie under his wing and he's absolutely fantastic with him.

BARRY: Yeah. Good shot.

I'm glad that he has taken to doing things with me.

There is no atmosphere, funny atmosphere, he seems pretty relaxed.

Yeah, he has a good laugh when we're out and that.

I think Jamie enjoys himself.

If he goes round to their house and spends time with him,

he is going to become a part of his life.

I'll be truthful. At first, I was a little bit upset about it.

But that soon passed.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't upset and it didn't bother me.

But, hey ho, you've just got to get on with it, you know what I mean?

I would like my mum and dad to get back together but that's never going to happen, so...

I just, like, want everyone to be happy, you know?

And not argue.

Although some children are able to adjust to how their family changes,

others find it difficult and it takes time.

The break-up affected Tyrese. He's in one house with his mum and dad.

Then he's in another house and his mum and dad aren't together.

He's three. He doesn't know what's going on.

Tyrese lives for one week with his mother and one with his father.

He did go through a period of time where he was quite rebellious at a very young age.

And I think he's learnt that pattern over time.

His school background, his school reports, they follow him.

And I don't know if, again, that is part of it.

I think that if they were still together

Tyrese would probably be not as, like,

bad as he is. Because I think that he hasn't really grown out of the anger problems

and behaviour issues since they broke up.

CRIES

Because he was so young when they broke up,

he, like, lashed out at school and that's where his behaviour stuff came from.

Um, I've been in trouble for fighting and being defiant.

And I've been excluded three times, it's most of the time self-defence.

TELEVISION ON

He's learnt a certain behaviour.

It's trying to get him out of that behaviour, get him out of that anger.

That's where I am right now.

Just deciding which way is he going.

Is it just normal teenage things that boys go through?

Now Tyrese is at secondary school, he's much more settled.

And his behaviour has improved.

I think Tyrese is doing all right at school, better than he used to do.

He hardly gets in trouble, it's a rare occasion.

He's doing a lot better.

In the past couple of years, I've enjoyed him a bit more.

Because he's sort of... I'm able to communicate with him, we're able to talk about various things.

And I think communication is the key.

You need to talk to your children, you need to be honest with your children.

We'll be all right.

As children become teenagers,

the relationship they enjoy with their parents changes inevitably.

Our children suddenly have opinions.

And are more than willing to share them.

There are times when he's suddenly wanting to exert his authority

over the house and he feels that he can talk to me in a certain way. That just is not going to happen.

I think I've probably changed...

..by getting a bit cheekier.

Um...

My mum says that's because I'm turning into a teenager.

He has been quite challenging recently, he loves to,

especially with Ruth, he loves to push Ruth's buttons.

And, um, he's constantly testing boundaries, it becomes quite wearing after a while.

I get sent out of class a lot, to, like, stand outside.

He's at one of those stages at the moment where he's messing about.

I feel very pressured because I don't want to make them unhappy

that I'm misbehaving.

But I just seem to misbehave

a lot.

-Can I have a latte, please?

-Any sugar?

-One, please.

Can I have a Coke, please?

When I sit with Charlie and I think,

"Oh, you don't sound like you're 12. You're talking like you're 17."

"And you're dressing like you're 17."

He's got this hairdo going on.

You know, it'll pass, it's a phase. Whatever.

He likes it, it's trendy. OK.

He's not a baby any more.

He's in size 8, no, sorry, 9 shoes now.

I think she's got to the age where she

does need to question an awful lot of things in life.

You know, she's a growing young lady.

I can remember them as they was and I still think of them sometimes as little.

LAUGHS

But now they've grown up into lovely little girls.

They're not little girls, they're growing into lovely ladies, aren't they?

As Ethan Kerr was growing up, it became obvious to his mother

that something wasn't quite right.

His behaviour suggested a mild form of Asperger's.

This affects a small percentage of people, mostly boys.

When he was diagnosed, I was devastated.

This is my perfect little child.

And it took me a while to get my head round it that, you know, he's my child and he has this.

I don't really notice it because it's, like, not that noticeable.

They give you extra time on tests and all, exams.

But I usually don't take the extra time.

You just kind of figure it out as you go along.

What he likes, what he doesn't like. He doesn't

like people that he doesn't know in his personal space.

So sometimes he just wants a quiet time,

putting on his computer and playing with his friends.

Ethan's Xbox, that's his thing that calms him down.

He can just switch off

for an hour and just be in a wee world of his own.

And he's pretty good at it, he whips people's backsides.

And because he's good at it, that makes him feel good.

He's getting positive feedback, that boosts his self-esteem.

I'm happy.

Children's with Asperger's have very low self-esteem.

And very high anxiety. That computer makes him feel good.

And if it makes him feel good, that's good enough for me.

I used to go on the Xbox a lot. But I've been going outside with my friends and all.

Just to go out and hang around.

Are you coming, Ethan?.

Our children are now at secondary school and that environment

is beginning to widen their world,

as Rebecca Saunders' parents are discovering.

I think Rebecca has become more strong-willed over the summer.

Before, if I wanted her to do something, I could ease her into it.

Now, if she doesn't want to do something she won't do it.

-She's her own person now, isn't she?

-Yeah.

-She's...

-She's Rebecca.

-She's Rebecca.

I'm going to do things about her life, like how she's a popular girl.

My mum inspires me because I think she's amazing at everything.

But Mary Berry also inspires me

because she likes baking lots of cakes and she's really good at it.

-She's forming her own mind, she's...

-She's her own person.

Yeah. She's making choices now and reasons for her choices.

So I think she's in the transition from childhood to teenagehood.

But she's still quite sweet-natured.

She hasn't lost her sweet nature, long may that last.

My mum said to me, this year I'm not allowed a boyfriend,

because I need to focus on school work.

At the moment, I'm not worried.

Yeah, sure, in three years, six years, nine years' time, it will be different.

-Got the shotgun by the front door.

-But, at the moment, I'm not worried.

As the children become teenagers,

the changes in their hormones

affect brain and body.

I love towering down on all my friends because it's just so fun.

Yeah. And, um, because they're medium height

but I'm taller. So I just enjoy that.

When they ask me to do chores, it feels like they're torturing me.

Sometimes, I don't mind.

But sometimes, I just want to not do them and, like, do what I want to do.

Toni Plaster from Kent was the youngest of the Child Of Our Time parents.

She was a teenager herself when she found out she was pregnant.

I do feel having Charlie has made me who I am.

I don't feel that I would be

nowhere near the person I am today if I didn't have her.

Keep pushing. Slide up the bed.

I was 16 when I found out I was pregnant.

And, for some reason, I had it in my head from the start that I was going to go ahead and have Charlie.

BABY CRIES

Well done.

Following a healthy pregnancy, Toni gave birth to her daughter

with her mother by her side.

She's gorgeous.

That's such a weird feeling, pushing a baby's head out, I tell you.

It's so weird.

Each year in the UK,

over 18,000 girls aged 16 or under fall pregnant.

Let me change your nappy first.

When I brought Charlie home,

I was still, um, I was still quite overwhelmed.

And it was... It sounds a bit immature now but at the time,

you know, I would change her six times a day.

I'd be, like, you know, something new, new trainers.

It was a novelty for so long.

A few months after the birth, Toni and her new boyfriend Rob moved in together.

He became Charlie's dad and it was nice to have him around.

It was lovely because I felt like a unit with him.

Daddy.

Charlie looked up at Rob as her dad, still does now.

And he treated her how he would treat his own.

He never made an issue that she wasn't biologically his.

And even when we had two more children together,

there was no difference in the way that he treated any of them.

-You're telling fibs.

-I'm not telling fibs!

But in 2010, their relationship broke down.

Me and Rob started to just fall out, if you like.

Constant arguing and the environment wasn't nice.

There was always tears with the kids because they didn't like us arguing. So we separated

in January 2011.

Toni moved into a flat a few miles away

but it was too small for all of them to live in comfortably.

So Charlie went to live with her grandparents.

Charlie's, basically, living with us.

She's not living here. She says she lives here.

She don't live here, Charlie's staying here at the moment

because of the marriage break-up between Toni and Rob.

Um, Toni's actually moved out of the marital home

-and she's renting accommodation.

-Two bedrooms.

-A two-bedroom accommodation, there's two bedrooms.

-Not enough room.

-There's not enough room.

I stay at my nan's because, like, um...

At home, if I do my homework,

Kayla and Alex are always moaning and fighting.

And then when Kayla gets enough, she goes

out and then Alex fights me.

And, like, I can't do it properly.

And it's really easy for me to get to school.

It made sense for her to be here. She's got space.

She's got her own room here, she's nearer to the school.

-Yes, that's it.

-Thank you.

-OK.

Toni missed out on school qualifications but she's made up for it since.

She put herself through university and qualified as a nurse.

Emotionally, it was a struggle.

And with my kind of job, you're not getting home until late.

And I missed silly things like the school run or bath time, bed time.

And it was tough, it was tough.

It would've been less of a struggle for me

to be at home with my children and to claim benefits.

We would've earned more money through the state than we would

out working, but I didn't want that.

I didn't want to be on benefits and have the state support me

to bring up a child that I chose to bring into the world.

I like the fact that I go to work and what I get paid a month, that's what I've earned.

So whatever my children get is from me.

I've got the blood charts. Yeah.

Toni is working towards a new home for her family.

And hopes they'll all be together again soon.

The last year has been a struggle for everybody.

And it's been nice that Charlie's had my parents to be the supportive network.

So now it's kind of gone full circle,

everybody has settled down and everybody is a lot closer.

I think, as time has gone on,

the kids have realised that, you know, it's not that bad,

me on my own and it's nice.

It is nice, we do a lot more as a family.

She's a blinding mother, you know, a really good mum.

I'm proud of her, Anne's proud of her, we're all proud of her.

I hope Charlie's learnt from me going to university

and studying for three years that nothing's impossible.

You know, you can have these dreams and you can go for them.

And I, even now, with schooling,

she struggles every now and then with certain subjects.

So I kind of have to remind her, you know, as long as you stick with it

and be good, that, um...

..she'll get what she wants in life really.

For most of us, getting pregnant and having a baby

is one of the greatest joys of our lives.

But for some couples it's not straightforward.

Tim and Caroline Scarborough had been desperate to have their own baby for several years.

We'd had a hard time getting to the point where Caroline was pregnant.

We'd had some treatment for infertility.

Some IVF work, which hadn't been successful

and had been really quite stressful.

Quite unexpectedly, and against all the odds,

Caroline conceived naturally and was overwhelmed by the news.

CRIES

As Christmas approached, Caroline gave birth to Eve.

# The closer you get the better you look, baby

Look at that little face.

Ah!

I just can't believe how happy I feel.

It reminds you of what a miracle life is.

And, er, how grateful you should be. Yeah.

# And every passing day

# I love you more in every way

I just see a new life beginning, not only for Eve but for us.

-# I get the...

-# ..sweetest feeling

-# Baby, the sweetest

-# Sweetest feeling

-# Honey, the sweetest

-# Sweetest feeling

# Loving you #

Over the years, we've watched Eve grow up into a happy

and confident little girl.

And in 2005, Caroline gave birth to her sister

Holly.

But at the age of eight, Eve had to deal with something no child should face.

She lost her mother Caroline to cancer.

I never guessed she would die.

I can remember quite clearly the afternoon I found out.

Dad came to pick me up. On the drive home in the car, I told him

"I drew a picture for mum at school, can I give it to her tomorrow when we go see her?"

And then he pulled the car over and told me, and then I just cried and cried and cried.

It's the right way up for you.

I couldn't process it.

I wasn't sure what to think.

Um, I wasn't sure if I actually believed...

Not that I thought he'd be lying about it, I just wasn't sure if I believed that it had happened.

Letting the balloons go, it's just another way of connecting.

For them being able to send their mum a message.

It's all part of keeping Caroline with us.

-You OK?

-Yeah.

-Are you sad?

-A bit?

It didn't make sense, Mum dying, at the beginning, I don't think.

Little things. Mum would ask what I want for breakfast and bring it through.

And it was Dad instead and that puzzled me,

why I felt so attached to that little moment.

There were lots of different things like that.

Like...

..going into Mum and Dad's bedroom and Dad being in there and not Mum.

Sorting through things she had and I thought I'd like to keep that

because I remember her telling me about that.

So I've got things like that that I've kept because I don't want

to lose the memories that go with it.

Just, like, sometimes I wish that I could give her a hug

because that's one of the things that I miss most.

My approach to handling

the loss of Caroline, and grief and the emotional impact of that loss,

is to be as open and honest with the children as I can about what's happening for me

so that they know it's OK to be

sad, angry, frustrated, lost.

If Dad tries to talk about it with me, I think he has a few times,

I'll listen and won't say anything.

After, I'll wait about five minutes before saying anything and change the subject.

I don't think it's unhealthy, it's just her way of managing it.

She knows what she's feeling and she doesn't want to upset herself.

My mind doesn't know how to process the whole...

Not try not to cry if someone else is crying sort of thing.

There are times when she just wants to be left alone, she just withdraws.

# When the rain is blowing in your face

# And the whole world is on your case

# I can offer you a warm embrace

# To make you feel my love #

When Eve plays or sings, I find it very moving.

It always makes me think it's a shame Caroline's not here to see that.

Because, um, music was very important to her as well.

And it, you know, it would have been

such a lovely connection between them.

Like performances with my choir I did a couple of times.

And my school production, which was really fun.

I wish she'd seen that because

it was such a big thing and we spent ages working on it.

Ever since Caroline died, the first fear

that I had, and it stays with me now,

is that they'll be damaged because it's only me.

I know I'd be different. There's no way I'd be the same person

if I'd had two parents as opposed to one.

My relationship with Eve has been affected because,

when there was just a mum and dad, I could just be the dad.

'And she was daddy's girl.'

-Ready?

-Yeah.

-Go

Pedal, pedal, pedal.

'It was me who... Well, I tried to teach her to ride a bike.'

'But I don't get to have that specific dad role any more.'

That's very good, Eve, keep going.

Housework and all that kind of stuff, that has to happen, so that ends up being the priority.

And that leaves me with little energy for the fun stuff.

Eve, there's too much in there for the dryer,

so split it and put some in the basket.

OK, Holly, off we go.

'The fact Caroline has died has given Eve things to deal with that she wouldn't have had to deal with.'

'I think, both emotionally and in practical terms,

she's been forced to grow up a little quicker.'

I don't think I was traumatised as bad as people think of it.

It's changed my life a lot and it's changed me a lot

but it's not all bad.

I feel like, going forward, it's put us in a good position to...

to be able to be a family where the mum died

and to be comfortable with that.

Even though it was really hard for him, he's looked after me and Holly really well.

I like the fact that he's never given up.

He's trying to get us to be the best people we can be and I admire him for that.

# You know there's nothing that I wouldn't do

# To make you feel my love #

You know, I feel immensely proud of Eve and the wisdom she shows.

And, for me, it's been an immense privilege to see these impressive young people grow up.

And as our children grow, their parents will need to prepare for the next stage in their lives.

I guess I am going to have the teenage years soon.

Um, we've talked about that and she's promised she won't be a horrible teenager.

So we'll just have to see how that pans out.

I personally feel a little bit like the centre of the boys' lives

has evolved away from me inevitably.

I do worry also about when he gets a bit older and starts drinking.

That's my next hurdle, I think.

Um, and I am not looking forward to that one at all.

In a few years' time, he's going to be ready to drive a car, go to the pub and get a job.

Um, and that's it then, he's kind of adult and done.

That's it. Over and done with. That's in the next five years.

It's going to go too quickly

I watched programmes where women used to say, "Empty nest syndrome."

I'm, like, "I can't wait for them to go." I miss it.

I actually miss being a mother.

Children are only children for so long.

It'll be like that and he'll be 18.

You can't keep them children forever. They've got to grow up some time.

We shall continue to record the lives of our children,

and one thing is certain,

the biggest challenges still lie ahead.

Our relationship, it's changing, which it's bound to.

But it's me that probably mourns that.

Parys doesn't at all, I don't think.

It's interesting to see her growing and changing.

I think I'm just getting to the age

where you want to be more with your friends than with your mum and dad.

Find out more about the challenges of the teenage years.

Order The Open University's free booklet, Becoming A Teenager.

Call...

Or go to the website and follow the links to The Open University.

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