Bob Hope Talking Comedy

They called Bob Hope America's court jester.

He was the funnyman who became an institution,

friends with every President from Eisenhower to Bill Clinton

and with everyone who was anyone in Hollywood.

He hosted the Oscars more times than anyone else

and was once the world's highest paid TV star.

But this icon of America was actually born in England,

in Eltham, south London,

which makes him one of Britain's greatest gifts to American comedy.

And, as we'll see, his English roots were something

he'd frequently refer to during his many visits here.

I want to say right here that I was born in England.

I say that in the hope that those of you

who don't have a sense of humour will at least be patriotic.

LAUGHTER

No, it's true. It's true, I was born here in England.

Of course, I was marked for export, but it's a great thing... LAUGHTER

A lot of people don't believe it,

but I first saw the light of day right here in England.

I think I was nine at the time. LAUGHTER

Fog, you know. LAUGHTER

We don't have fog in Los Angeles, we have smog.

That's fog with the vitamins removed. LAUGHTER

But this London fog can really be terrific.

Last year I was here and a fella pulled up alongside of me

at the Savoy Hotel in his car and asked me for directions.

I didn't mind that so much, but I was in the bathtub at the time.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

And on the sixth floor. But, in spite of the fog...

In spite of the fog, I like it here. And I know that I'm in England...

I know I'm in England, because this morning

my stomach got up two hours before I did and had a cup of tea.

LAUGHTER

Oh, yes. I love the tea here.

I've had so much tea, I slosh when I walk.

LAUGHTER

You have to drink tea, I've tasted the coffee.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

No, they have coffee here, only they call it petrol.

LAUGHTER

But I've been here many times and I want to tell you it's a thrill

getting back to England, with the crowds cheering me at the airport

people lining the sidewalks,

and Bonnie Prince Charles in the Palace window

waving a little pennant that says, "Go home Yank."

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Of course, I was kind of anxious to get back to London,

because last time I was here I posed for a statue

at Madame Tussauds Wax Museum and I was anxious to see it.

And it puzzled me a little bit the figure,

I just want to know one thing,

do all the wax figures have a wick sticking out of their head?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE And I noticed...

And I noticed my clothes were kind of ragged on the figure,

so I said to the guard, I said, "Why is that?"

He says, "There's nothing we can do about it,

"people keep pushing you side to get a look at Jack the Ripper." LAUGHTER

And, by the way, I have some regards for you people

from some of the British stars working in Hollywood,

Ronald Colman and James Mason.

Of course, Mason is very British, he hasn't forgotten he's British.

In fact, I think that James Mason overdoes the British bit.

When I go to his house, I don't mind the doorbell playing Pomp And Circumstance,

but when the butler makes you face Buckingham Palace and bow three times, that's going too far.

LAUGHTER

Then, of course, Stewart Granger's doing very well there,

especially in those costume pictures.

And what a swordsman he is, he can really duel I want to tell you.

You can tell he really loves his work, the other day on the set,

he ran ten men through and five of 'em aren't even in the picture.

LAUGHTER

He really went wild that day, the only way they could stop him

was by threatening to send for Errol Flynn.

LAUGHTER

The jokes about fog were ones Bob would return to whenever he was back in England.

The wisecracks about fellow Hollywood stars

were also typical of his material.

He could get away with it

because he was as big or bigger than all of them,

thanks in part to the huge success

of The Road To... films he made with Bing Crosby.

The last of these was 1962's The Road To Hong Kong,

which was filmed here in England

and which led to this appearance on the BBC programme Picture Parade.

APPLAUSE

PIANO MUSIC

Snorkel-head, I'm a little surprised you missed my introduction,

I can scarcely believe my ears.

Quit fooling, you must be used to those side plates of yours by now.

Well, they're very useful, you know, for smoking in bed.

Listen, we're supposed to be doing this shindig together,

-what's the delay here? What happened?

-Well, naturally,

I assumed that BBC stands for Ban Bing Crosby. I guess...

LAUGHTER

Or Bing Buys Canada, or something like that.

Besides, I hadn't finished talking about my supporting cast.

-Your supporting cast?

-Uh-huh.

-Oh, you mean that wide rubber thing you grip around your waist.

-Yeah.

-A two-way stretcher or whatever it is.

-Don't blow your top, Dad,

it wouldn't be the first time that that thatch went into orbit.

No, I have it securely anchored, it's really tied on.

-So you listen to me, Jellyroll, you're being very flip tonight.

-Jellyroll?

-Jellyroll?! Now wait a minute.

-What's come over you?

I've been waiting for ten minutes. Just remember, I give a very superior performance.

I really think if pressed, if it's demanded of me,

I could sing till the cows come home.

Yeah, and from the noise you make, it sounds like they've arrived. LAUGHTER

Listen, tell me something, what's so special about your performance in On The Road To Hong Kong?

Well, I happen to be an actor and I can handle any role.

Uh-huh. I'm sure you can as long as there is plenty of ham in it.

-LAUGHTER

-Hey, why don't you tell the folks here

about some of the acting you do in the picture.

Well, you see, I play the part of an unsuccessful variety comedian with a stupid, cowardly disposition.

Uh-huh. Yeah, and now tell the folks about the acting you do in the picture.

LAUGHTER

Listen, you crumbling comb-over, I'm a great actor.

-What's this?

-I'm a great actor.

I could be another Marlon Brando if I had all my teeth removed.

-You could mumble.

-LAUGHTER

Anyhow, let's save this brawl for later.

In reality, brawling was something Bob and Bing never did.

They had one of Hollywood's closest and most enduring partnerships,

as demonstrated again here

when Bob paid a visit to the Parkinson show in 1975.

How do you find that your humour goes down

with the new generation of Americans,

-the young kids?

-Oh, well, you know,

you wouldn't be on television as long as I've been on it

if you didn't go down. You know, the kids in our country,

they own the knob on the television sets.

-Really?

-Do you know, the kids nine, ten, and 11

are in charge of the knob. LAUGHTER

I'm serious.

They're the ones that turn it on

and the folks say, "Oh, yeah, that's it, huh?"

LAUGHTER

They turn it on most of the places and they go with that.

-That's extraordinary.

-And I saw a little kid the other day,

I was walking through some airport

and a little kid about this high said, "Do-do-do!"

Looked at me. "Do-do-do!"

LAUGHTER

I was Bob Doom! LAUGHTER

It worried the hell out of him who I was.

LAUGHTER

Then I had a woman walk up to me in Dallas...last year,

she was about 80 years old,

she said, "Mr Hope, I've been watching you for ever!"

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT DIALOGUE

Bing told you what happened?

-He must've told you what happened to him over here.

-What was that?

When the woman walked up and said, "Didn't you used to be Bing Crosby?

LAUGHTER

-Did he use that line?

-Yeah.

I love that. It happens all the time.

We've got a message, in fact, from one of your younger fans.

Coming up...on the screen in a moment.

Too young to be let out to come to the show, but on tape.

Hiya, Michael. I wanted to tell you how delighted I am

that you found something for Bob Hope to do while he's hanging around London.

But I want to sing a little song for you now.

# My dear, Michael

# Now that you've got Hope on your show

# There's a few things I must tell you he can do

# His singing's slight

# His dancing very non-descript

# But he'll go out front and entertain the queue... #

LAUGHTER

# ..Old pal, old bean

# By which I mean

# He'll find an ear on which to lean

# Describing with relentless zeal

# His sex appeal which ain't quite real... #

LAUGHTER

# ..But if he does well in this illustrious company

# When he comes back

# I'll let him work for me. #

APPLAUSE

-Cute. Thank you.

-Lovely.

That's something. Isn't it nice that he would stand up for that long?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE Isn't that nice?

-His orange juice commercials don't come over here, do they?

-No.

You know, he's been selling Minute Maid orange juice

and he right now,

he's probably just left the factory where he squeezes oranges.

LAUGHTER

Which at his age is an emotional experience.

LAUGHTER

Are you going to tell us the truth now? How, when, did you first meet?

-Bing?

-Hm.

I...I was a Boy Scout.

LAUGHTER

And I saw this old lady waiting for the traffic light.

And I walked over and helped her to cross

and it turned out to be Bing.

LAUGHTER

PARKY LAUGHS

-But seriously?

-No, I met Bing,

I think, around...1932.

And we played the Capitol Theatre in New York.

And, luckily for me,

we did an act together. Like...two farmers meeting on the street.

The president of the Coca-Cola company

meeting the president of the Pepsi-Cola Company on the street,

which I did at the Palladium with Jerry Desmond.

You know, where they say, "Good to see you." BOB BELCHES

You know. LAUGHTER

"A larger bottle." You know, all that stuff.

And the two farmers where you milk the thing, you know.

Bop, bop, bop, bop. bop. And the two politicians,

where you go in each other's pockets and all that kind of thing.

And they loved that kind of stuff, you know.

And when we... When I went out to Hollywood,

before the Road pictures,

I went down to the Del Mar Turf Club ball,

which Bing owned part of, a big part of it anyway,

and...we did our act together.

And the boys from Paramount saw us and said,

"These guys really work good together, let's put 'em in something."

-And they put us this in this picture called Road To Singapore.

-Yeah.

-And that's how the whole thing started.

How did the feud developed though?

-The...

-Well, that was a gag for radio,

where you could have some fun with each other, you know?

And if I went on his show, they would...

His writers would say, "He's going to tell a joke down on page nine,

"about the chicken that moults too early in the year."

I'm just giving you an example. So on page seven, I would tell it.

LAUGHTER

And he'd give me that startled... LAUGHTER

He'd give me that look. And then he'd double back on me, you know?

So it kept us kind of awake, you know?

-And we did that in pictures after a while.

-Hmm.

We used to steal jokes from each other.

-Marvellous, we just had more fun.

-It looks a marvellous relationship.

-Have you ever had a cross word? Have you ever had a row?

-No.

-Not at all?

-Never?

-You can't have a row with him, because he just walks away.

-He doesn't row with anybody.

-No.

I was the loudmouth. If anything happened,

I'd say, "Well, I'll go up and tell 'em."

And Bing would say, "Yeah, find out about it. LAUGHTER

And he'd go to the golf course and wait.

LAUGHTER

No, he's... He wouldn't fight with you anyway.

There's a contrast in the two of you,

because he does take life very easily, doesn't he?

-He sort of relaxes all the time.

-He sure does, but he loves to be on,

he's as hammy as anybody.

-That's true.

-It's true.

-Yes, it is true.

-I admire him for it, because you have to be in our business, you know?

-Yes.

I sleep on a hook at night, but he's got...

He's got a clove right there. LAUGHTER

And he's...he's a delightful ham.

Looking into the research, there's an extraordinary amount of jobs

that you did before eventually you went onstage.

I'll just quote some of them.

You were a butcher's mate, a shoe salesman, a pool hustler,

-stock boy in a meat market.

-Right. Pool hustler I like.

A golf caddie and you once sold newspapers to John D Rockefeller.

-That's right, when I was a paperboy.

-Really?

-Uh-huh.

-Did any of that rub off on you, John D Rockefeller?

-A little.

Just a little. A little oil.

-How much of a hustler were you in those days?

-Oh, I wasn't.

You know, we just used to hang around the pool room

and clown around, you know, hustle each other.

-Hm.

-Nothing serious.

And I did that while I was going to dancing school,

-because the guys I used to hang around with used to play pool.

-Yeah.

You were also once a boxer too, weren't you?

Yeah, you're getting into the nasty stuff, aren't you?

Well, that fascinated me because you don't really look like a boxer.

You saw my nose from that angle and you...

I did, I fought under the name of Rembrandt Hope,

I was on the canvas so much.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT DIALOGUE

I love... I love boxing, I really do.

And I used to love to climb into the ring.

I don't remember ever leaving it.

LAUGHTER

But I was an amateur, I didn't...

After a while I could get a little money,

they used to lay it on the stretcher alongside me as I left.

We've got a clip of you in action, actually,

making your comeback. In Madison Square Garden, wasn't it?

Right, the opening of Madison Square Garden.

And, in fact, your opponent is Rocky Marciano.

Here we are. Let's have a look.

-So you're the champ, huh?

-Yeah!

BOB GROWLS

ROCKY GROWLS

BOB PURRS

BOTH GROWL

Thank you, Sonny & Cher.

LAUGHTER

Now listen, boys, I want a good, clean fight. Break clean, no biting.

Remember now, no hitting below the belt.

-Watch it.

-Oh, the old rules, huh?

-Yeah.

-Well, OK.

LAUGHTER

BOTH: # Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake

# Bake a cake as fast as you can! #

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Boy, I've been waiting 30 years for that!

APPLAUSE

Although he was the world's most successful comedian,

Bob was always open about the fact that his jokes

were written by teams of writers he'd employed from the beginning of his career.

He was also comfortable with people knowing

that during performances he'd read his lines off cue cards,

as can be seen in this fascinating recording from New Year's Eve, 1969.

No, I was born in England, I really was.

It was a typically British birth, I was three at the time.

You know, they had a strike in the maternity ward

and I came out in sympathy. LAUGHTER

I was in London just a few weeks ago for the opening of my new movie,

How To Commit Marriage,

and people came to the West End from miles around for the occasion.

My relatives always show up when it's free. LAUGHTER

But I hope you get to see How To Commit Marriage, because this movie is different,

my co-star Jackie Gleason couldn't make the opening...

You goofed it there.

That's after. You got that card in the wrong place, Barne.

Take the card out of the middle. That's right. Now put it back.

LAUGHTER

Now, what are we going to do about that? Shall we start over or what?

-ALL:

-Yeah!

Cut. Cut it, Mort.

Cut it. Are they going to be able to cut this thing? Cut it.

-You want to slate it again, Woody?

-Yeah.

But I do hope you get to see How To Commit Marriage,

because this movie is different,

the actors wear clothes and the ushers are nude.

LAUGHTER

My co-star, Jackie Gleason, couldn't make the opening,

they told him at the airport that he was overweight,

and that's tough when you haven't got any luggage.

LAUGHTER

The picture played to enormous audiences in New York,

they even enjoyed the movie that was on with it, Hello, Dolly!

LAUGHTER And I was hoping the Royal Family would attend,

but they had a prior commitment, Princess Anne was hosting a sale of hats at Buckingham Palace.

LAUGHTER

No, I know all the Royal family personally,

the Queen, Prince Philip and their financial adviser, Jack Benny.

LAUGHTER But I'm kidding,

all those reports about Her Majesty's money problems are just rumours.

And Richard Burton is furious,

he wanted first refusal on the Crown Jewels.

LAUGHTER No, all the stars were in London,

I saw Liberace in Park Lane walking hand in hand with himself.

LAUGHTER

HUBBUB

And I... And I bumped into Douglas Fairbanks Jr,

he was on his way to The London Clinic for a monocle transplant. LAUGHTER

And, you know, there's a new flag flying over the British Embassy,

it shows the Duke of Edinburgh

playing polo on a field of travellers cheques. LAUGHTER

And I had a beautiful suite at the Savoy.

I love it, they are so polite there,

one morning the water in my bathtub gurgled and a pageboy walked in and said, "Pardon?"

LAUGHTER

No, the Savoy Hotel is really steeped in tradition.

In fact, the towels don't say His & Hers, they're marked Mine & Thine.

But I love the British.

I asked a Londoner how he felt about the Apollo moon landings

and he said, "Splendid, but we hate show-offs."

The moon landing references were, of course, very 1969,

and that's one reason for the incredible longevity of Bob Hope's career,

the ease with which he blended tried and trusted jokes with more up-to-the-minute material.

There are examples of each type of humour

in this appearance on Parkinson.

Let's start with him discussing

the and then highly topical Hollywood actors strike of 1980.

It's good actually to have you here,

because you've got lots of industrial problems

over in your profession at present with the actors strike.

-It's all fixed, isn't it? Isn't the strike over?

-Is it?

-I think so.

-Is it?

-It was quite a thing, though.

Everybody was picketing out there from their good side.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Actually, Michael, they were picketing, you know,

the stars, who make plenty of money,

they were picketing and it's the first time

I've ever seen a picket line with a maitre d'.

But they were really picketing for the bit people, you know,

because there's 63,000 actors that lay around waiting for work.

So the stars were really trying to get it for them,

trying to get all these residuals. And it's a funny kind of a strike

when a fellow can walk off a job and get into his Rolls-Royce

and walk out and get into his swimming pool

and refuse to come out unless they improve working conditions.

LAUGHTER

That's America, I want to tell you that.

And after laughs about the latest events,

here's one of his golden-oldie gags

about his favourite leisure pastime, golf.

-Which was the best golfing story?

-The best golfing story?

Let me see. How about the fella playing

and he came to this hole in one.

He said, "I've never had a hole in one. If I could get a hole-in-one, I'd give anything in the world.

This little genie jumped up on his shoulder and said, "Anything?"

The genie said, "Would you give five years of your sex life?" He said, "Yeah, I think I would."

And he knocked his ball, it wasn't too good, but it hit a rock,

went up and fell in the hole. He said, "A hole in one!"

He walked to the next hole, a par 5,

he said, "I've never had a birdie on this hole. If I could get a birdie, I'd give anything in the world."

And this little genie jumped up and said, "Anything? Would you give ten years of your sex life?"

He said, "Ten years?! But, yes, I would." He said, "Well, play."

And he hit three pretty good shots and his fourth shot wasn't too good,

but it hit a bench and rolled in the cup. He said, "How do you like that,

"a hole in one and a birdie the same day. This is the greatest day of my golfing career."

And the genie jumped on his shoulder and said, "I didn't get your name." And he said, "Father O'Toole."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

How many American Presidents have you played golf with?

Oh, I don't know. Let me see, Ford... I play with Ford all the time.

I love to play with him, it's nice to get some money back from the government.

LAUGHTER

Ford and Nixon and Kennedy and...Lyndon Johnson.

-About four of 'em.

-Which was the best golfer?

I think... Oh, Eisenhower a lot.

We all played with Ike, cos he just loved the game.

-What was it like playing with Eisenhower?

-Well, you had to play,

because... The first time I played with him was about 1951.

He'd just been assigned the presidency

and I played with him and I played as his partner.

And we played for a dollar, dollar, dollar at Burning Tree

against Symington and Prescott Bush, who were too fine golfers.

And I played lousy.

At that time I was a six and I hit an 84 and we had to pay off.

The next day, I played against the President,

I wasn't playing with him, but we all had lunch and made bets, you know,

and I shot a 75 and I beat him for four dollars.

And he looked me in the eye as I was paying him off, he said,

"Why didn't you play this way yesterday?" LAUGHTER

And it's hard to ad lib with a president about things like that.

Yes, absolutely. Who was the one

who had the best sense of humour, do you think?

I think maybe...maybe Kennedy.

-Yeah, Kennedy liked to tell jokes.

-Hm.

On politics, I mean, did you have any political ambition yourself?

No, no. I've been asked to a couple of times, but the money is not right.

LAUGHTER

No, it's not. And I'd hate to move to a smaller house.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

You've just come back from Moscow, haven't you?

-Yeah, I was in Moscow.

-What were you doing there?

I was doing a show for the US Ambassador and I did a show for all the people in the embassy.

-And I also did one for the British Embassy, by the way.

-Uh-huh.

And we had a little trouble over there,

-I was thrown, out of the Kremlin.

-Why?

Well, I was walking around and I saw a star on the door and thought it was my dressing room.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

You are of course... It's amazing the amount of work you still do.

-You're a rich man, a very rich man.

-Not too rich after today. LAUGHTER

-Not after today, no.

-No. But you could retire if you wanted to?

Dickie has all my money. LAUGHTER

Marlon Brando once said that if they were opening a phone booth that you'd turn up.

-Erm...

-LAUGHTER

-Brando?!

-That's what he said.

Brando never said a funny line in his life. LAUGHTER

That was Crosby. He said when they open the icebox and the light goes on, I do 20 minutes.

LAUGHTER

I do get around, I'll tell you that.

You've done everything in your life, you won more than 1,000 awards,

never got an Academy Award, have you?

You had to bring that up, didn't you? LAUGHTER

-I'm sorry.

-You sure know how to wound a star. LAUGHTER

No, I've been... Let me tell you something, you can make great, great pictures,

I made 60 pictures, and you can come out with a picture

that you think should be nominated for something

and you find out you're with Gone With The Wind and Boom Town, you know.

I haven't given up, I still have my speech ready. LAUGHTER

I don't know how long I've had it, but it's in Latin.

LAUGHTER

An Oscar would certainly have been nice,

but Bob Hope didn't need it to prove anything.

By any standards, his 70-year career was extraordinary.

The king of one-liners finally signed out aged 100 in 2003.

His passing made headlines across the world

and many of the eulogies were accompanied by this, his signature song

called, appropriately, Thanks For The Memory.

APPLAUSE

# Thanks for the memory

# Of being on your show

# You take things nice and slow

# It's lovely being here with you

# But where did Christmas go?

# Oh, thank you so much

# Thanks for the memory

# Of what England means to me

# A tea bag in my tea

# The country's run by Chrysler

# And there's Kojak on TV... #

LAUGHTER

# ..Oh, thank you so much

# I was going to give you a present

# For making my stay here so pleasant

# A turkey perhaps or a pheasant

# But here I am

# A well-boiled ham

# So thanks for the memory

# Of tonight with Michael P

# Who's been so nice to me

# His kindness was enormous in contrast to the fee... #

LAUGHTER

# ..Transportation's not important

# I'll walk back across the sea

# So thank you so much. #

Thank you. APPLAUSE

-Thank you.

-APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd