OCD - An Actor's Tale Week In Week Out

Obsessive-compulsive disorder, or OCD.

We all think we know what it is.

We even believe we've got a bit ourselves.

But I'm here to tell you, you don't know the half of it.

The torture in my head because of that bloody drop of water in there.

Why does it bother me so much?

I'm meeting families who can tell you the real story.

I think the majority of people

have no idea quite how far OCD can take you down.

They've let cameras into their homes.

Absolutely everything is regulated by the OCD.

I like to be clean. I couldn't bear the thought of being dirty.

As we focus a lens on mental health's hidden condition.

About 18, often 20 hours are consumed with OCD.

I cannot live with this any longer.

I've been a professional actor now for over 30 years.

So performing on stage and screen is par to the course,

but it is a journey I've done with a constant unwelcome companion.

I love my job. I love being an actor.

But it's a real struggle, because I suffer from a condition called OCD,

Obsessive-compulsive disorder.

For me, that means I can obsess about anything

from a stain on a page of paper to the fear I'll injure myself

from simply sitting down.

It's not exactly helpful when you're trying to do your job.

Do you know what that is, son?

Cowardice.

Say that again.

'I remember this scene very clearly.'

We were filming on a building site, and this was the workplace

and it was particularly, er... messy.

It was oil, grease. It was like stain central.

The fear of getting dirty can compel me to carry out rituals to calm what

I know are irrational thoughts.

-'Give the lad a bravery medal!'

-And I struggled with this.

Fortunately I had, you know, the likes of Mikey,

a very good friend of mine, and the crew

and they were just really patient and understanding,

but it was a struggle,

because I'd just have this constant noise in my head

about, you know, being surrounded by contamination.

It would be hard.

I had to get up three times a night to care for a baby.

'I had to pick up a sobbing eight-year-old girl and rock her

'in my arms and tell her that everything was going to be all right.'

There are tens of thousands battling OCD in Wales alone.

I'm off to meet some of them to see how it's taking over their lives,

and how they're fighting back.

Deon Gorle lives with his family near Carmarthen.

He's had OCD for most of his life.

For him, his OCD is particularly painful.

He's overwhelmed by intrusive thoughts

that his family will come to harm.

-She's gorgeous!

-One ear forward, one backwards.

Why are you doing these compulsions, Deon? What will happen?

It's an overbearing feeling

that something bad will happen to a loved one.

For example, today, Dawn I know has gone swimming with school.

If I don't do these neutralising behaviours, these habits,

then she'll drown.

He's compelled to carry out a series of rituals to prevent such

thoughts coming true.

I have a counting pattern of five and four,

being there were five people in my original family,

Dad, Mum, brother, sister and me.

And then now, four being Dawn, me, Dominique and Danielle.

So these checking patterns

have to be done in a five and four pattern.

And then if anything goes wrong, I then have to then do,

that five and four thing, five and four times, being nine times nine.

So again.

Deon says that his rituals became so time-consuming,

they were taking up to 90% of his day.

It's horrible to live with, only from the point of my frustration,

because there was nothing that I could do to help him.

I had over 500 separate neutralising behaviours.

500 separate OCDs.

If I don't do this, what if something DOES happen?

If it does by pure chance, I'm going to blame myself.

I've come back to my hometown of Flint, where I spent my school days.

Looking back, OCD was always there, hidden away,

although I wasn't diagnosed until my 30s.

Now I'm keen to raise awareness.

I even wrote a film on OCD.

It included a lot of my own experiences growing up.

So when it came to choosing the actor to play the main character,

he has to be Welsh. He has to be brilliant.

Well, it's a no-brainer.

It had to be Michael Sheen.

-Habits.

-What?

I just realised, habits.

Wash my face, wash my hands, clean my teeth, rinse.

Check my face for spots, aftershave, hair, check my shoes for dog shit.

And habits!

All my OCDs! That's...

That's what I used to call them.

That's what I thought they were, just habits.

Great memories of kicking a ball around with my mates.

But it's also the time when I first probably realised that I was

different to the rest of the lads,

because for some reason, whenever I was passed the ball,

I felt compelled to check my flies, to make sure they were done up.

I now realise that was OCD.

Back then, just thought I was different and a little bit odd,

And with that, obviously, came embarrassment

and huge, huge anxiety.

Because as much as I loved playing the game...

..in a way, I hated being passed the ball.

OCD has a habit of hanging around.

Sometimes it can take control.

I've come to Bridgend

to meet compulsive cleaner and Corrie fan Leslie,

and her daughter Tuesday.

-Hello.

-Hello, Leslie.

-Hiya.

-Tuesday.

-Hello.

-I'm Ian.

-Hiya.

-Pleased to meet you.

-Pleased to meet you.

I don't know if we should shake hands, because then the...

-OK. This is a no handshaking zone.

-It is!

-Let's just wave.

I'm happy with that.

We've been allowed to film in their house, on certain conditions.

This is how it works.

-OK.

-If you lift one foot up...

-Yeah.

-And put your foot in.

-Yeah.

-Then you can put it down.

-OK.

-And then lift the other one up, I'll put the bag on,

-then you can come in.

-I have to excuse my muddy boot, there.

I was playing football with some kids the other day at my old school.

-So, apologies for that.

-That's it, you can come in with that one now.

-I come in with this now?

-Yeah, yeah. Lift this up.

-Brilliant.

-And then down.

Now, I haven't put the towels down yet,

cos I don't know where we're sitting.

-Sure.

-But when we sit down, I'll have to cover the furniture.

-That's fine, yeah.

-So you can sit.

How do you both feel now, with me covered in germs,

how is that making you feel this very moment?

Well, I've got, like, butterflies,

but anxious butterflies.

-Yeah.

-I can't wait for you to go!

Thank you very much. I love you, too.

Despite their anxiety, they've allowed us to put up

cameras in the house to show just how OCD affects them.

But there's one or two more checks to do before today's interview.

I do horrible things...

Oh, my God.

That was going to go down my jumper.

Both have been diagnosed with OCD.

For Leslie, the condition means she is compelled

to constantly clean her house.

You're safe to sit down now.

Tell me how your day unravels.

Well, I don't go to bed.

I sleep on the settee, for a start.

Because the obsessiveness is on my mind all the time,

I don't relax enough to go to bed,

because as soon as it's light,

I need to get up and start,

and I'm emotionally drained before I start,

because I know what I've got to do.

-You know?

-And start what, exactly?

Well, there's the hoovering, the dusting.

The dusting of the walls or cleaning a cupboard.

No-one's been, but it's got to be done.

And what about outside?

I looked outside and I saw that even the paving stones and

-the gravel look clean. Is that...

-It's been bleached.

-What...?

-The gravel's been bleached.

-You bleached the gravel?

-I bleach the gravel, yeah.

When it's raining, I'll get the bleach, couple of bottles of bleach,

squirt it all over the stones, and then go out with a big yard brush.

Brush them all up and they're all bubbly and frothy.

I've said this before, I've said you can eat off someone's floor,

but I'm now saying you can even eat off your gravel.

I know. I've hoovered the shed

and "antibacterialled" inside the shed, as well.

There's nothing in my shed.

For 27-year-old Tuesday, her OCD is different.

Some people who have OCD think, "If I don't do this,

"then I might die or something bad's going to happen,"

and I don't think that.

I think that I'm dirty.

So if somebody, say, were to tap me on the shoulder when I'm at work,

then my shoulder's dirty,

and then my arm's dirty

and the whole top of me's dirty, and it escalates.

Where do I go? Left, right, straight ahead?

Tuesday is able to work and get out much more than her mother.

Straight ahead, yeah. Straight ahead, my room is.

But a trip to her bedroom shows the impact OCD has on her.

OK, well the first thing I see is obviously your ordered clothes.

I mean, are they colour-coordinated, or...?

So with the colour coordination, that doesn't bother me.

Mine is, I like sleeve order.

-Sleeve?

-Sleeve order. Sleeve order.

-That's a first.

-So I've got, like,

sort of my long sleeves and my hoods at the beginning.

Then I've got high necks and long-sleeved stuff.

Then we go onto shirts.

Then we go on to short sleeves, and then no sleeves,

so it goes up gradually.

-Makes sense to me.

-Yeah.

-And your bed?

-Yeah.

-Looks very well made.

-Well, my bed doesn't get slept in.

I don't sleep in it.

Because my mum doesn't sleep in her bed,

she sleeps for a few hours on the sofa downstairs,

I sleep in my mum's bed.

Because the sheets are so, so neat.

It's so plump, I can't bear to get in it,

and even if I did get in it,

I wouldn't be comfortable because I would be making it a mess,

and I would be worried about the creases.

I wouldn't be able to, sort of, relax in my bed.

So I don't do it. I just leave it.

I still change the sheets, I still do everything, but I also...

Like with my clothes,

I hoover the top of the bed as well because of the dust,

but I don't sleep in it. I haven't slept in my bed for

well over a year, maybe two years,

because I can't bear to crease it.

So Leslie, can you explain what would happen if you didn't carry out

-the compulsion?

-It's like, there's a normal side of me saying,

"Why are you doing it?"

But the OCD bully MAKES you do it.

You're compelled to do it,

and if I don't do it,

my mind is so messed up.

There's not a word or a thing or a colour to describe

what your mind is doing.

To quell the OCD, you do it anyway,

and it doesn't matter how tired I am.

It's like, polishing the sink.

I know it's clean, so why am I doing it?

Why can't I stop?

But the OCD's like...

It's doing it. It's doing it without...

Sometimes, you're not focused because you're doing these things.

Both Tuesday and Leslie are on medication for their OCD.

The NHS guidelines say for OCD,

as well as drugs, there should be therapy.

The recommended therapy is CBT -

that's cognitive behavioural therapy.

I think the first thing to say is that CBT is evidence-based.

It's backed up by scientific research that it's effective,

and over the last ten, 20 years,

we've begun to make inroads into OCD

and we've got really effective treatment for OCD now.

CBT is not a panacea,

but the charity OCD UK estimates that 75% of people with OCD are

significantly helped by cognitive behavioural therapy.

But it seems getting the right level of therapist is key.

I think there are a lot of professionals going around

claiming to do CBT who aren't really qualified to do it.

Particularly in OCD, because I think, because I said it,

it's the Lamborghini of mental health problems,

that you have to be good.

You want that little bit extra for OCD,

a little bit extra experience - expertise and experience.

Six years ago, Keith was able to reduce Deon's 500 OCDs to

just three or four.

Deon was paying Keith privately and didn't complete the

treatment at the time, so he's called Keith again for help.

I can straightaway see gaps.

-Yeah, yeah.

-Here.

-Let's put them back.

And what sort of thing might you want to do now?

Tidy up this drawer.

OK, I will get the spoon, put it in.

-I would then straighten these things.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Like this.

Make sure that they're all extremely straight.

I would then close the drawer.

That doesn't feel right.

-Yeah.

-At the moment, so I'm still holding the drawer.

OK, can you let...let go of the drawer then.

Does it trigger a thought

about anybody dying in a car crash or anything?

Yes. It's not right at the moment.

It makes me want to open it again.

Yeah, and do that again.

-Again.

-So stay with that thought now,

that you're really uncomfortable about this thought about Dawn being

in a car crash and being trapped in there,

being injured, maybe dying, because you've not done that.

Does that make it more difficult?

It makes me think that the moment you leave, I'll do it.

Yeah, yeah. Because you have to, to save her.

Yeah. Obviously, because I need...

To get better with this.

-Yeah.

-I'm going to try and, to not do it.

What I'm going to suggest is that this drawer doesn't get

five and four, because we want to use this as an example,

so that we can transfer it to other things in the house.

If anything goes wrong now,

now it's your fault.

OK!

I know we laugh about it, but it's...

Painful.

Yeah, and when there's literally hundreds of them surrounding you

and it's all around you, and occupies 20 hours a day.

Yeah. Yeah, but you think the world's pretty dangerous, don't you?

Just gets a bit much.

Yeah. Do you feel bad now?

Yeah. Don't like it.

Deon's on a waiting list for help from the NHS,

but from past experience,

he says he has little faith he'll get the level of help he needs.

Even if you're lucky enough to find a CBT therapist on the NHS who is an

accredited therapist, who has knowledge of CBT for OCD.

If you're lucky enough, then

you only get between six and eight sessions, which is useless.

It's utterly useless.

Something you've had for 30, 35 years cannot be solved

in such a short space of time.

Deon's health board said the average number of CBT sessions is 20

and they're working hard to reduce waiting times.

There we go.

CBT is available for OCD on the NHS

and I've come to Carmarthen to Hywel Dda Health Board to see the results.

I'm meeting therapist Amy and her patient, whose rituals

to control his violent, intrusive thoughts just became too much.

He didn't want to be identified.

I was up to over eight hours a day, doing the rituals,

which, when trying to fit in a life,

you know, it drives you to the edge.

I didn't want to go on any more.

And I actually... I actually put a load of tablets out,

ready to finish the pain.

After a couple of interviews with various psychologists or therapists,

Amy was assigned to me and she saved my life.

You really believe that?

Absolutely. 100%.

John has actually got to the point

where he's been able to return to work.

John was spending eight hours doing these repetitions.

We're now at the point where John is actually spending

one hour of his day.

For him, that's a huge, huge...

-Enormous.

-Enormous improvement.

In my opinion, it's vital and they need to give it resource,

because it is saving lives.

It saved mine.

It's great to hear that there is therapy out there on the NHS,

helping those suffering with OCD,

but not everyone has had a positive experience.

I've come to Cardiff to hear a story of frustration and heartache,

as one family tried to get the right help

for their teenage daughter Chloe.

Hi, Ian.

Chloe as a youngster was a bubbly, bright, you know,

almost cheeky young girl.

She was always smiley. She had a bit of a cheeky sense of humour.

Chloe was the one who was always kind of

playing practical jokes, you know?

Having a bit of a giggle, laughter.

You can see there.

You know, this is the Chloe we remember from childhood.

But by 13, Chloe had started to exhibit signs of her OCD.

She started being really, really obsessed with her hair,

clamped to the mirror, fiddling with her hair,

but not in a vanity sort of way.

Chloe was given support by the child mental health services,

but her OCD became so severe,

she was admitted to hospital as an inpatient.

In desperation, her parents asked the NHS for a second opinion.

They say it took 18 months, but they did get it.

Chloe was assessed again,

this time by one of the UK's leading CBT specialists.

And immediately, he was able to engage her.

He was able to question her in a way that she was able to answer,

and so after being here for about three hours,

he took us into the other room and he said, "Yes, you know,

"I do think I can treat her. I've seen worse."

-For you, that must have been...

-Yeah.

-..music to your ears.

The health board doesn't have to

necessarily follow specialist advice.

They developed their own strategy for Chloe's OCD.

As Chloe's condition was becoming more challenging,

a tough decision had to be made.

After consultation, it was agreed by everyone, including Chloe,

to try foster care.

They had this thinking that by taking her somewhere else,

it might give her a chance to kind of rebuild.

So very, very hard decision, probably one of the hardest things

I've ever done in my life was signing that paperwork,

but she went into voluntary foster care for a period.

It seems incredible to me that a young girl suffering from OCD

should have to end up in hospital and foster care.

In Bridgend, there's been a crisis.

Tuesday popped out to buy a takeaway coffee for her mother,

and has spilled it in the car.

This is horrible, horrible for you.

It is. I've actually pulled the whole carpet up,

so you can see the bottom, very bottom of my car.

I'm not sure how I'm going to get it clean enough for me to be satisfied,

so it's worrying me a little bit.

-Yeah.

-I'm going to wipe it as much as I can now,

and then maybe I'm thinking once it's dry, I'm going to get the steam

cleaner on it, antibacterial spray to get the smell of coffee out.

I'm not sure. My mind's going sort of...

-Yeah.

-..hundred miles an hour at the minute.

-I can hear it.

-Thinking of...

-I can hear it whirring.

-Yeah!

Hear it going over.

I'm thinking of things I can do to make me satisfied that the coffee's

gone and that my car is clean again. It's really bothering me.

Despite the smiles, the incident is obviously stressful for Tuesday.

Keeping her car and herself clear of germs must be a constant strain.

I notice that you're holding on to your wet wipe.

Yeah.

Is that with you much of the day, then? Is a wet wipe with you

-much of the day?

-It is, yeah. Yeah.

A lot of the time, my right hand, because I have one

in my hand constantly, my skin peels.

Sometimes my knuckles bleed as well.

-Tuesday, what do you hope for?

-I did go to uni. I got a degree,

and, you know, I've always planned on having a career and money,

and I've always wanted to travel the world.

But that in itself is sort of a problem,

because I couldn't imagine getting on a bus,

let alone a sort of aeroplane and a train and things like that.

Let's talk a little bit about social life, fun, laughter.

-Yeah.

-Boyfriends. I mean, do you have a boyfriend?

I do have a boyfriend, yeah.

How is he with you and your condition?

He sees more of it than I've let anybody else know before,

because I feel more comfortable with him and he doesn't sort of judge me,

because I do kind of keep it to myself, because I'm embarrassed.

I don't want people to think, "That's weird," or "she's odd,"

or "There's something wrong with her."

But I mean, obviously one day in the future, I would, sort of, like to,

sort of, live with him, and that kind of, sort of worries me.

And I see this poor little girl here, my daughter, and it's so sad.

She needs help.

Some good help.

It's torture. They are being tortured by this condition.

As we've seen, it's just no quality of life.

Just speaking to them now after we packed up, and I said,

"What's your day now?"

And they said, "Well, it's back to doing the cleaning."

Tuesday will spend about four hours with the car

and Leslie will get back to where she left off in the house.

I find that quite upsetting.

Tuesday and Leslie have had some therapy in the past,

but say it didn't work for them.

Could the correct level of therapy be the key to free them

from their OCD bully?

But here's the thing.

Wales has a shortage of accredited CBT therapists.

In England, they have three times as many per head.

Well, people with mental health problems in Wales

are being done a disservice.

I think England has really worked hard to get the thing right.

It isn't perfect.

Wales is just waking up now.

They are just about now in some health boards,

people are starting to say,

"Oh, we need to get more psychotherapists".

And it's just starting to seep into the culture that we must do that.

Ten years ago in England,

around £200 million was spent training more therapists.

There are signs things are changing in Wales, too.

So, many of you will be working with people who have OCD.

This course at Cardiff University is a step in the right direction,

but it's the only one of its level in Wales.

It'll take more courses like this to ensure the NHS have enough

CBT therapists to meet the need.

Many sufferers like Deon pay for private treatment.

The temptation then, of course, is to finish early because of the cost,

and that can increase the chance of a relapse.

OCD comes back with force so quickly.

So quickly, you have no idea.

It's like a plague. It just...takes over you.

This time, Deon is telling me he wants to go for it.

He wants to do 100% and wants to kick it into touch.

Trying again. New fresh time again now,

and let's get completely free this time.

Let's hope. With a lot of hard work.

And cost, unfortunately.

Because as I say, there is little help on the NHS for this.

Believe me, I've tried.

What Deon would like would be for the NHS to pay for Keith.

But there are no health boards in Wales currently using

private practitioners for OCD.

And what about Chloe Boorman?

Her foster care didn't work out, and she returned home.

This January, she was admitted to hospital again.

If only somebody could have seen her at the right level,

right at the beginning,

who knew what they were talking about and knew what they could do,

I reckon she could have been saved a lot of her suffering.

She could end up relying on the NHS for another 50 years.

I'm sure that's going to cost far, far more.

It's so cruel.

The illness is so cruel.

What gets me is it's been five years.

Five years of real suffering

and it's so frustrating

because there is treatment out there for them

and they just haven't had it and that was heartbreaking.

It's just, it's so cruel to listen to that.

Chloe's health board can't comment on individual cases,

but do recognise there is a need to increase CBT provision,

and say they have a robust investment programme

to improve access to these treatments.

The Welsh government said that they'd spent £3 million

on therapies like CBT over the last couple of years.

But while there is progress, there is more for health boards to do.

So is the political mood changing in Wales?

I've come along to speak to

Plaid Cymru's health spokesman, Rhun ap Iorwerth.

Yeah, it's not words that we need, really, is it? It's action.

I think it's positive that people are talking about mental health now,

as being something that is recognised as an area of health care

in Wales that absolutely needs changing,

but we've got to make the investment.

Unless we have the therapists,

we can't give the therapy,

and without the therapy, people with OCD and other mental health

conditions are not going to be

able to get the help that I think, and you think, that they should.

Things are changing and that's really good to hear,

but I still feel there's a lack of understanding,

and my concerns are for those people consumed by OCD today.

People think I'm a nice lady, I'm always happy and chatty, don't they?

Old people always like me, but they don't see the torment inside.

It's lonely, and that's why I would love my daughter to get help.

I see her friends...

..who have gone off to university.

I see them carrying on with their lives.

Most days, I will think about what Chloe has lost.

It's going to be tough, but you've got to start somewhere.

And I cannot carry on living with this any longer.

I've had enough. Just enough.

So...

You know, I've met some wonderful people on my journey around Wales.

And I've heard some truly heartbreaking stories,

and some of the struggles I recognise myself,

but I can't help feeling that there are too many people being let down.

If somebody with OCD is brave enough to knock on the door

and ask for help,

it's got to be there.