Blethering Referendum - Part 1 Referendum Documentaries

Mmm, mhm, mmhm, mmm...

Sorry. Not making any sense, am I?

But then, no-one's making any sense about the big vote.

Well, not to me, anyway.

I mean, the Yes side is blethering about this,

the No side is blethering about that.

Everyone is blethering about the referendum and, I'll be honest,

I haven't got a baldy clue. Not a Scooby,

which is slightly embarrassing, because I'm not a stupid man, right?

I've got Highers. I've got an HND.

You'd think I would know stuff by now. I mean, basic stuff.

Like... What happens to the oil? What happens to passports?

What happens to EastEnders?

-"EASTENDERS" THEME TUNE

-Every time...

You see, the thing about most people is, that unlike me,

they can't make up their mind about things.

They're always dithering. Well, not me. I'm, pure, like that.

I know what I want

and I know how to get it.

Am I wearing this or is this wearing me? I'm not sure.

The point is, we absolutely cannot get away

from the fact that we have a shared cultural heritage.

APPLAUSE

You see, I love being as British

as this man, Stephen Fry.

...where we have prepared for you

a veritable gallimaufry of gaffes...

A man who knows so many words, he has to put the spare ones

in his appendix.

On the other hand,

I love being as Scottish

as the funniest man on the planet.

-It's...

-Billy Connolly - best storyteller, bar none.

He's practically in our DNA.

You can see why I'm dithering, can't you?

And if you're dithering as much as I am on this,

then perhaps you need the answers to the questions I'm going to ask.

Like all top-flight blue-chip BBC documentaries, my 'journey'

begins with me getting into my celebrity-themed Scottish car.

Yeah, turns out there's no such a thing as a Scottish car.

Er, gap in the market?

So, come with me on my 'journey', as I find out everything I wanted

to know about the referendum, but was too embarrassed to ask.

It's not a real journey.

We all know Scotland's got oil, but how much?

How long is it going to last? And is it even ours?

You ask 100 different experts, you get 117 different answers.

So what's the REAL answer?

Here's another question - how do we know which bits

of the North Sea are Scottish and which are English?

Where is the oil border?

I mean, there's loads of blethering around that.

Imagine this though, if we DO get all the oil this side of the border

and there's tonnes of it, we could be oil rich.

"DALLAS" THEME TUNE

Yeah, yeah. The oil barons' ball. In Kilmarnock!

We want Jai Lo to play!

Yeah, well, YOU might call her J Lo, but if she plays Scotland,

she's called Jai Lo.

You know what, it's probably quite important to understand

the risks and commitments involved in this oil business before I vote.

Who can I ask?

Oooh!

Hi, there. Er, do you know anything about the price of oil

and how it might change?

Yes, I've written some papers on it. What would you like to know?

Result. OK. So, maybe you're the guy that can tell me

if an independent Scotland will be like the Texas of Europe.

Well, back in the 1980s,

when production was booming,

and the prices were high and it was cheap to get out of the ground,

we might have been able to do a similar thing

to what Norway's done and become very rich.

OK, so what you're saying is that we'd all be driving around

in massive long cars that you can't do three-point turns in.

Well, that was the 1980s. Now, it's slightly different.

It's a lot more expensive to get out the ground,

production has probably fallen

by about two-thirds, from its peak in 2000,

so it's a slightly different scenario now.

So, then we're all going to be queuing at food banks

and wearing odd shoes?

No, no, it wouldn't be that, but what would happen is that

if we left the UK, the sort of tax revenues that we'd lose

would be compensated for by the extra you'd get from the North Sea,

that would come directly to Scotland.

So it would probably be about the same as at the minute.

It's difficult to tell, thereafter, because the price is so variable.

It seems to me that, even in this baffling, confusing independence

debate, this is the one question that's the hardest to nail down.

Are you able to confidently predict what might happen

with the oil question?

I can confidently predict that nobody can confidently predict

what will happen to oil in the future.

-Thanks(!)

-No bother.

So, in a world with rocketing oil prices and gushing wells,

we'd be oil rich.

On the other hand, if oil becomes worthless, we could be oil poor.

-Dad.

-Yes?

-What was it like before the oil money ran out?

We used to live in this massive house,

made entirely of venison.

You should have seen it.

And get this. What is it we put in our cars now to make them go?

Jam, Dad. Everybody knows that.

Yeah. Well, back in the day, it used to be oil.

-Shut up!

-True story.

So, listen, what do you want to eat?

-Jamburgers or Jamfingers?

-Jamfingers!

Yay! Come on, let's put some jam in the car first.

RADIO: And of course they don't take the wheelie bins and the recycling

bins in on the same day, because, I mean, that would be too sensible.

I'm going to have to ask you to get to the point, Sandra...

My point is this - what is the West Lothian Question?

My name's not Sandra!

Today the big question is, the West Lothian Question...

..simply form a well-known expression from these words.

Question, Lothian aaaaaannd...

RIGHT, OK! What is the West Lothian Question?!

I'm going to have to find out!

Do you know what the West Lothian Question is?

No, don't have a clue.

Do you want to have a guess what it might be?

No, what's it about?

-Excuse me, do you know what the West Lothian Question is?

-No.

-No.

-West Lothian Question? I've not got a clue, dear.

Excuse me, sir. Do you know what the West Lothian Question is?

Excuse me, madam. Sorry. Do you know what the West Lothian Question is?

-Do you know what the West Lothian Question is?

-No.

But you have heard of the West Lothian Question?

-No, Tam Dalyell asked a question.

-There you go.

Great Mr Dalyell of the Binns, Linlithgow, asked a question.

And do you mind what the question actually was?

Yes. Who sunk the Belgrano?

So, there you have it - the people of West Lothian have spoken,

and the answer could not be clearer.

the answer to the West Lothian Question is...

What that guy in the bunnet said.

Was he wearing a bonnet? Your mind plays tricks.

Sanjeev!

Do you seek the answer to the Question of West Lothian?

Yes. How did you know my name?

Dear boy! I am a sage! A sayer of sooth!

Also, I know you from Still Game.

Not much range, have you? Always playing people with beards

and strange accents.

Harsh.

Anyway, come with me. I have much to show you. Follow me.

Come, come.

The West Lothian Question first passed the lips

of the great Tam Dalyell, in the year 1977.

Tam Dalyell - was he a sage, too?

No. He was the MP for West Lothian.

Though he did say something very interesting.

He asked, if English MPs can't vote on devolved Scottish matters,

why should Scottish MPs be allowed to vote on purely English matters?

Is that important? I still don't get this.

All will be revealed in the bothy of miracles!

What, in there?

Get in.

From here, you can control all the policies in England.

-Manipulate the thunderstick of voodoo, Sanjeev!

-Sorry, what?

Press the doofer! The doobrey. The click-click thing.

-That thing there, yes.

-BEEP

Why is that hospital floating?

It's a metaphor, you fool!

Scottish MPs have influence over hospitals in England.

Obviously, they can't make them fly. They do have influence, though!

But the English MPs have no power over ours!

Not that this hasn't been fun... but I do need a specific answer.

How important is the West Lothian Question to me

as a voter in this referendum?

Press another button. Press, press, press!

The West Lothian Question has vexed politicians

and journalists for generations,

but the average member of public would probably say,

"What's that?" and are confused by it.

It's quite an important issue,

because it's about when MPs who sit for Scottish seats

go to Westminster , they vote on English legislation,

which their colleagues up in Edinburgh

are responsible for in Scotland. So, that's not very fair.

But there is a very simple solution to the West Lothian conundrum

and that's independence, because, with independence, you have

Scottish politicians sitting in Edinburgh, English politicians

sitting in Westminster - don't poke their nose into one another's

schools and hospitals, do what they want to do and everyone's happy.

Well, the West Lothian Question is about Scottish MPs

voting on English-only issues, like English schooling, for example.

That's not an issue in this referendum at all.

People in Scotland care far more about the fact that,

with devolution, we've got the best of both worlds.

We make decisions about education, health, police in Edinburgh.

As part of the UK, we also sit at the top table in the European Union,

on the UN Security Council, the G7, the G8, so we're part of a much

bigger force in the world, but we also make decisions close to home.

Goodbye, Sanjeev! Ooh, I'm getting smaller.

There are a lot of big questions,

history-changing questions, with this referendum.

How do we define ourselves? Are we Scottish? British? European?

It's a matter of huge cultural significance.

What happens to the oil?

The answer to that could have serious economic implications

for generations.

And then, of course, there's the West Lothian Question.

But perhaps bigger than all of those questions is the one they call

The Walford East Question.

Will we still get to watch EastEnders?

-"EASTENDERS" THEME TUNE

-Sorry.

Seriously. If Scotland goes independent,

what's going to happen to the telly?

Are we going to get all the non-Scottish programmes? Dr Who?

Sherlock? Homes Under The Hammer?

Or perhaps, the ultimate continuing drama in world television,

Holby City?

He told me everything,

you want to cut my soul out with an electric saw?

No. No way.

See, that's the mark of a truly ground-breaking show...

the calibre of the non-returning guest character.

Can they take Holby City away from me?

Will they take Antiques Roadshow away from me?

Am I to live in a world without Cash In The Attic?

Some of you will understand my anger. Let me explain.

The year is 1979. I am nine years old.

It's the summer holidays.

A time of sunshine, of escape, of putting Mars Bars in the fridge.

And, of course, kids' telly during the day.

But not for the Scottish kids. Oh, no.

We didn't get kids' telly until the English kids went on holiday -

a full four weeks later. Four weeks!

Four weeks of no Why Don't You?

Four weeks of no Champion, The Wonder Horse.

Four weeks of no The Flashing Blade.

"Why don't they let us see the children's programmes, Daddy?

"Don't they like us, Daddy? Are we not real children, Daddy?"

Maybe this is our chance for revenge.

If we do get independence, we could threaten to take back our actors,

if they take our programmes.

Yeah. TV cold war. Tit-for-tat.

They make a move on EastEnders,

we send an extraction team in for David Tennant.

Aye, that will make them think twice about nicking the telly.

But am I overreacting? Is this even a possibility?

Can they block the BBC? Think I'll see if someone knows on the telly.

-The first B in BBC stands for British.

-Perfect.

If Scotland's no longer part of Britain, then the relationship

with the BBC could change.

We know, for example, in Ireland, if you want to watch the iPlayer

you've got to pay seven euros a month.

They have a commercial relationship.

That could be what happens here in Scotland.

OK. What's on the other side?

Will the BBC stop Scottish viewers seeing their favourite programmes

after independence?

One has the image of a big plug being pulled,

but I just don't see that happening at all.

I mean, our White Paper talks quite extensively

about the collaboration that will continue

between a Scottish broadcasting corporation and the BBC in London.

But won't it just be knock-off Scottish versions of British shows,

like The Great Scottish Deep-Fry Off?

Educating Yorkhill? Dr How But?

Och, Sanjeev, I don't think you really mean that. There will be more

programmes like this one. You know, fun programmes about Scottish

subjects, about things that people in Scotland are interested in.

At the moment, over £300 million is raised in the licence fee

in Scotland, but only about £175 million is spent here.

The SNP say that Scots who pay a licence fee now would still pay

for a Scottish broadcasting service and it would be about the same rate.

Now, Scotland raises about £300 million from the licence fee,

but it gets more than £3 billion of BBC programming.

So, the benefits for being part of Britain,

being part of the BBC, are huge.

What about the kids today? The 'whatever' generation?

Will they be deprived of British programmes,

like I was during those long, long, bitter summers?

Will they be as angry as me? Ruby?

Does the possible inaccessibility of network programming

in an independent Scotland concern you? Ruby?

-Ruby? Ruby? Ruby? Ruby? Ruby?

-Hmm-mm?

I was just wondering if the possible inaccessibility of network

programming in an independent Scotland concerned you, at all?

No.

What you watching, anyway?

Ha Ha House. Korean sketch show.

YouTube?

Which brings me back to my original question...

will I be able to watch EastEnders? Maybe. Maybe not.

Would it be such a bad thing, though?

Maybe if Scotland got independence and we couldn't get instant access

to English television, we'd appreciate it more.

I mean, just imagine...

Ah man, there's too many Anglo continuing dramas,

I can't keep up, I haven't even broken into Emmerdale yet.

So, anyway, EastEnders, it gets really dark in season three, yeah?

No, what? Arthur Fowler? Seriously? The Xmas Club money?

Don't tell me, don't tell me, don't tell me!

I'm here to explain what the democratic deficit is -

two words beloved of politicians, especially during the rutting season

known as election time, or the biggest, most historic

rutting season of them all here in Scotland - the referendum.

MPs who want Scotland to stay in the Union believe the democracy

we have is the best for Scotland's interests,

yet MPs who support a vote for independence

believe that the people of Scotland don't get what they vote for.

So, while the Tory Party has been a major force in the UK's

political landscape, Tory MPs in Scotland are rare beasts, indeed.

This is what is known as the democratic deficit.

Grant Grant and Theresa Theresa were, of course, brought here

by the Conservatives, to breed in captivity.

Sadly, the 24-hour window of reproductive opportunity -

The Last Night Of The Proms - has been and gone.

Look! Grant Grant there. Heart-breaking sight.

In recent times, there have been, of course,

highly-successful, inter-species Lib Dem-Tory breeding programmes

like that carried out at Westminster Zoo.

But north of the Border, attempts to multiply the stock

of exceptionally-rare Scottish Tories, like this one, have failed.

And so, this Tory must live alone here,

unable to take part in the camaraderie

enjoyed by other political beasts north of the Border.

And yet, while this true-blue Tory is the rarest of beasts here,

the abundance of English Tories living in a more forgiving habitat

has allowed them to dominate

the political food chain for over half the years since 1945.

Of course, the most feared predator of the Tory in Scotland

is the Labour MSP.

We tracked down such a beast.

But in a strange development, that has seen the rules of natural

selection almost turned on their head,

Labour and Tory have formed a bond,

to maintain their traditional habitat

within the union of Great Britain.

Does she think the democratic deficit will remain a problem

if we vote No?

I actually think the democratic deficit will get worse

in an independent Scotland.

If you look at the early years of the Scottish Parliament,

some of the best things we did were homelessness legislation,

mental health, talking about things that never got to be heard

in the palace of Westminster.

If we are independent and we've got 129 MSPs

trying to write foreign policy, defence and welfare,

all those issues will get sidelined again

and we'll lose out as a consequence. But there's another point

I'd want to make - the fact that, at the end of the day,

we're still arguing about where power lies between two parliaments.

If we really want to reform our democracy,

we need to work out how we get power into the hands of the people,

so they can affect change in their own communities.

So there you have it - the bigger the jungle, it would seem,

the greater the opportunity for food and shelter for everyone.

But what about those who seek their own ecological niche

in an independent Scotland?

Why do they feel their needs are savaged by the beasts

of Westminster?

We only have 9% of the MPs at Westminster from Scotland,

so it means that we're always outvoted

and we're often outvoted in really important things

that Westminster control, like Trident nuclear weapons.

People in Scotland do not want these weapons of mass destruction

on their soil. They certainly don't want to pay the renewal of Trident,

which is £100 billion, going forward.

Think about what that could do to make us a fairer society.

We want to keep our free university tuition, for example.

Yet the parliament in Westminster could vote to cut Scotland's money

tomorrow and we would have absolutely no say in it.

So, the democratic deficit is key to this

and it's really only independence that can solve it.

So, to put it in evolutionary terms, the Yes campaign feel that,

in a smaller pond, we all become much bigger fish

and, therefore, able to have more control over our habitat.

Whatever happens during this historic rut that is the referendum,

we can but hope that there is a place on the planet

for this most noble of beasts.

Until then, though, this Tory must survive alone

and deserves all the care that we can give it.

MUSIC: "GOD SAVE THE QUEEN"

-POSH FEMALE VOICE:

-Hello.

2014 is a very important year for the royal family in Scotland.

It is, of course, the year of Janette Krankie's 90th,

although one still awaits one's invite.

And there is the small matter of the independence referendum vote.

Therefore, it gives one great pleasure to announce

that both the Yes campaign and the No campaign

have stated unequivocally that one will remain

on the throne, regardless of the outcome of this historic vote.

But one is well aware that, should Scotland become independent,

the ruling party will have the right

to give me the heave-ho at any moment.

What about a timeshare Queen?

One already divides one's time

between the castles of Balmoral and Windsor.

Windsor is where one performs the official ceremonies,

but Balmoral is where the juice happens,

where one throws on a trackie, gets up at one in the afternoon,

off-roads in the Land Rover,

and, generally, has a right old laugh and carry-on.

What one is proposing is that you, the people of Scotland,

for six months a year, get the Party Queen.

TECHNO MUSIC

One will even do you a special Scottish Christmas message.

While they get...

"At Christmas, one's thoughts turn to the Commonwealth" gubbins,

you will get karaoke.

Paradise By The Dashboard Light. Start to finish.

TECHNO MUSIC

I might even fill Balmoral with lots of little, tiny, coloured balls

and turn it into a massive soft-play area.

Keep an eye out for the Facebook updates.

Thank you, Gerard.

Gerard Butler. No?

Please yourself.

GAME SHOW MUSIC AND APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome to What's In It For Me?

the game show where I ask "What's in it for me?"

by asking the question "What's in it for me?" if I vote

Yes...

or No?

Let's meet our contestants.

Contestant number one, what's your name and where do you come from?

I'm Humza Yousaf. I'm a Member of the Scottish Parliament for Glasgow.

Which way are you going to vote this September?

I'll be voting Yes.

Excellent, now, a little birdie tells me you collect teapots!

Unusual hobby. How did that start?

No, I don't collect teapots.

OK... Let's meet our second contestant.

What's your name and where do you come from?

Kez Dugdale, Labour MSP for Edinburgh and the Lothians.

-Which way are you going to vote this September?

-I'm going to vote No.

Well, let's get on with the quiz.

Now, I'm an average, kind of, guy.

Early 40s... I know what you're thinking,

and the answer is moisturiser and plenty of it,

but I'm married, got three kids, so if I vote No,

what's in it for me? You have 30 seconds, starting from...now.

Sanjeev, you get the best of both worlds.

You get a strong Scottish Parliament

focused on the education of your kids and their life chances.

You get an NHS which is going

to lead the world, focused again in the Scottish Parliament.

But you also get to be part of the United Kingdom

and all the good things that means, which means tapping in and taxing

the wealth around the United Kingdom and sharing it where it's needed,

to make sure we pool and share resources wherever we find it.

You can have the best of both worlds when you vote No in September.

-GONG

-Well done!

OK, let's see how YOU do.

If I vote Yes, what's in it for me?"

Well, it means, Sanjeev, for the first time in 300 years,

you'll be able to get the government that you voted for.

That means that you can create a fairer society, you can choose

to spend money on bairns and not bombs, you can get rid

of the bedroom tax, you can create a fairer society for all of us -

use that critical mass of human wealth and human resource

to better our own nation.

That means, whether you're an individual or a nation,

you can make decisions for yourself.

Well, you and I both have Asian parents,

so maybe we can't make decisions for ourselves,

-but for everyone else, you can make decisions for yourself.

-Well done.

-GONG

-OK, let's move on...

as we ask "What's in it for me?" for a different me!

OK, now before you ask our MPs your question,

let's find out a wee bit about yourself, stuff like that whatever.

Well, Sanjeev, I'm a single mother of three boys, aged two, five and 17.

Excellent stuff.

It says here that you were once in a supermarket in Florida

and you met the rapper Ice Cube and you took his Alpen by mistake,

but I can't imagine that's true, now, is it?

No, no, that actually did happen.

Oh! Really! Well, tell us about that then.

Well, you, kind of, told the story already, so...

Right enough, so I did. What am I like?

OK! Let's get on with the quiz.

I'd like to ask the Yes person, what's in it for me?

OK, you have 20 seconds, starting from...now.

Well, with independence, we'll create the most transformative childcare,

not just in Europe, but the whole world,

so that means you'll be able to get childcare, so you can go off,

should you want it, to work.

You'll be able to contribute towards the economy

and that'll have a huge impact in making us a more wealthier society.

-GONG

-Excellent! Well done. So, what did you think?

That was good. I liked the second thing he said.

My same question is for the No person. What's in it for me?

OK, so you now have 20 seconds, starting from...now.

Well, first of all, if you go out to work we're going to make sure

you don't have to work three jobs just to make ends meet.

You can go and work, have a living wage and make sure that, when

you go out and bring wage into your household, it's enough to get by.

We'll also make sure your cost of living is reduced, as well -

energy bills, petrol prices, food prices.

We'll look out for you and make sure you make ends meet.

-GONG

-Well, I hope you're satisfied with those answers.

It's certainly given me plenty to think about.

Indeed. Stuff like that, whatever.

Well, I'm afraid that's all we have time for,

stuff like that, whatever. Please do make sure, in the meantime,

to ask yourself, "What's in it for me?"

Cheersy-byes-y-oseys.

Yes, this the year

# To make your decision.. #