Blethering Referendum - Part 2 Referendum Documentaries

All this blethering on about independence -

has anyone stopped to think about what independence actually means?

As a concept?

I mean, look at me, right - I'm an independent kind of guy.

-I live my own life, I play by my own...

-Daaaad!

..rules. You see, thing is, independence is,

is more of a state of mind than anything else.

It's a personal thing.

It's not about what you vote for,

-it's about who you are as a person, it's...

-Dad!

Daddy's working here!

As I was saying, independence goes to the very heart of who we are.

I have a singular personality.

Unique. Very much independent from everyone else.

And in many ways that's like Scotland.

It has its own unique culture.

I mean, we've even got our own egg, the Scotch egg.

How many countries can claim their own egg?

-It was invented in London, Dad.

-OK, bad example.

But what could be more Scottish than sweet, sweet Buckfast.

It's brewed in Devon, actually.

Who better to present a programme about issues of possible

independence than an independent guy like me?

-I own my own house.

-The bank owns the house.

True, but I am an actor. A one-man show.

Weaving my way from job to job like a troubadour.

Completely unreliant on anyone.

Apart from the people that write your lines, pick the costume,

do your hair and make-up.

OK, yes, but as an individual, as a fully-grown adult man,

it's me and me alone...

Will all this chat incorporate you putting the bins out?

So who better than me to find out all the answers you need to know

before we vote in this referendum for Scottish independence?

And I'm not putting the bins out, by the way.

Because I'm a maverick and I live by my own rules.

Independence means different things

for different people all over the world.

But I'm here to find out what it would mean for Scotland.

Can someone help me here, please?

So come with me as I find out what independence is really all about.

CAR FAILS TO START

MUSIC: "National Express" by The Divine Comedy

If Scotland does decide to go it alone, will we get to keep these?

Or will George Osborne ask for all his pounds back?

And if he does, what will Scottish money look like?

Get a load of this - the Smeato.

Aye, that's right, the currency that will set about you.

Finally, the world's most violent baggage handler

given the recognition he deserves.

And why should it be a tenner?

Nothing ever actually costs a tenner, does it? Why not 9.95?

Less change to weigh you down. I think it's a winner.

Imagine at Greggs - "Aye, that's a Smeato in, Janice."

But this is my favourite - the Murray.

# Hey there Andy Murray

# I'd love to see you play the tennis... #

Do you take Murrays, mate?

That's a picture of Andy Murray on a napkin!

Who the hell are you?

I'm Fergus Muirhead. I'm a money expert

and I help people manage their money effectively and I thought that

maybe if we shared this cab, we could save a couple of quid each.

OK. Seeing as you're here, do you mind answering a few questions?

-OK, go on.

-So, Fergus. Fergus?

-Fergus, yes.

-Fergus, if this cabbie isn't going to take my Murray,

what is he going to take from me if Scotland gets independence?

What happens to the pound is one of the most important questions.

The Scottish government and the Yes campaign are saying that

everything will be fine and we'll just carry on as we are.

If you listen to the UK government,

they'll tell you it's not quite as clear cut as that.

Right, so it's a Yes and a No, which makes it a maybe.

It's a definite maybe.

Let's make things a little simpler for me to understand.

In an independent Scotland,

what would be the advantages or disadvantages of using this?

The Scottish tenner?

Well, the Scottish government will say that we can carry on using

the Scottish ten pound note,

because it's guaranteed by the Bank of England

but George Osborne has said that's not necessarily

the case and there may well be a ban on printing these notes in future.

Well, what about one of these?

It's a rare beast, the English tenner.

We could certainly continue to use them

but as with the Scottish notes we looked at, it all depends

on what kind of negotiation takes place with Westminster and whether

they're happy to get involved in some sort of currency union with us.

OK. What about this scenario -

the euro?

Yeah, we'd certainly be able to use the euro.

But there's a lot of talk about whether the euro

is the most stable currency at the moment

and we need to consider whether it would be the best thing for us,

as a newly independent country,

to join a currency that is not perhaps as stable as it could be.

What about this one?

It's still a working model, obviously. Do you know who that is?

-It's Leo Sayer.

-No, it's Andy Murray.

Could we possibly use a brand-new currency like that?

There's no reason why we shouldn't start with a brand-new currency.

Might make it slightly more difficult in the early days to trade

with neighbours and there's always the question of

whether the currency will be too tied to oil, and if the price

of oil fluctuates, then it might make

the value of the currency fluctuate.

Would it make a difference if it was Marti Pellow?

No.

So if you were a betting man, what currency would you be using?

I would bet with sterling to start with

and then possibly a move to the euro.

That's me here now, driver, thanks.

# Money, money, money, money money... #

That's £9.95, please.

Um, all I've got is this English tenner.

What is that? Monopoly money?

MUSIC: "Maggie May" by Rod Stewart

So...my mate has a stag night.

His mate comes up from Manchester.

His name's Craig. I think.

I offer him my sofa for the night.

That was three months ago. He's still here.

He won't take my subtle hints to leave.

He's wearing my pants!

What happens if we vote yes and he's still here?

He'll be in a foreign country,

and I'm pretty sure he doesn't have his passport.

Will I be accused of harbouring an illegal English immigrant?

And that got me thinking about my cousin.

He was born here, in Scotland, but he moved to Wolverhampton

when he was six months old. Not by choice -

you don't move to Wolverhampton by choice -

but he's lived there ever since.

Last 30 years. What happens to him?

Has anyone really thought about

what independence will do to people's sense of identity?

I mean, we're all different, after all.

-I was born in England myself.

-MUMBLES:

-True story.

So I'm off to see someone who can help me with these questions.

So, Professor Wright, I'm interested in the question of citizenship

and identity in the event of an independent Scotland.

For example, what happens to someone from England who's been

living in Scotland for some time - let's say they've overstayed

their welcome and they've eaten all of my Muller Fruit Corners.

Now, rather than talk in abstract terms, I'd like to

personalise this, so do you mind if I bring them into the room?

Is that OK?

-BLACK COUNTRY ACCENT:

-All right?

-MANCHESTER ACCENT:

-All right, our kid?

Robert, can you help by explaining the situation

to Kulvinder and Craig? Let's start with Kulvinder.

I'm really worried about the independence referendum

and how it's going to affect me.

OK, your cousin Kulvinder, it's clear cut.

The White Paper says explicitly

that if you are born in Scotland

you are entitled to Scottish citizenship

and of course you're entitled to live, work and stay in Scotland.

But I don't want to be Scottish! I'm from Wolverhampton!

I'm really worried too, man, and if me mam don't let me

in the house before September I'll still be on this bloke's sofa.

Am I going to wake up Scottish?

It's a bit more complicated.

To get Scottish citizenship you have to

be habitually resident in the country for a given period of time,

and as of today we don't know what this period of time will be.

This will be when the immigration system is up and running

in an independent Scotland. They'll have to square that

with European law, they'll have to square that with Scottish law,

and they will have to pick this number. This kind of magic number,

and so we'll have to wait and see. But the idea being is

the longer you've been in Scotland makes it easier for you

-to get Scottish citizenship.

-OK, so just to sum up.

We've got this guy here, who's English,

but he's been in Scotland for, well, frankly longer than I care for,

and we've got this guy here born in Scotland,

but has spent most of his time in Wolverhampton,

and then there's me who was actually born in London.

No, I was.

But I have been in Scotland for the last 40 years.

So is it possible to sum up all those scenarios

in maybe one sort of sound bite?

There is a chance that all three of you will be automatically Scottish.

-ALL:

-Automatically Scottish?

Not all the rules have been defined precisely

and you need to see what happens at independence, and how, you know,

what these promises are in the White Paper,

-how they are put into practice.

-I've got another cousin...

I've got loads of cousins, I'm Asian,

but this is my American cousin.

You don't mind if I just get him, yeah?

He's American, like I say,

-but he does come over every year with the family.

-BAGPIPES TUNING UP

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-Yeah! My great grandfather was from Fal-kirk!

Jings, cry-vens and help my Bo-ab!

Yeah! Can I be Scottish, ya bass!

Not automatically.

The fact that he has a Scottish ancestry, Scottish roots,

a Scottish grandfather, you know, is something they'd look on favourably.

But he will have to go through the system as someone immigrating

from some other country, India or wherever.

What - he'll actually have to take a citizenship test?

My expectation is yes, that he will have to do a citizenship test

as well as a language test at the minimum.

Citizenship test?

PLAYS BAGPIPES BADLY

I will now furnish you with the answers. Question one was,

is juice fizzy?

The answer is,

in Scotland, yes.

At all times.

Question two was, is ginger - A, a root,

B, a carbonated drink, C, an insult?

And the answer is all of the above.

BLAST OF BAGPIPES

Question 3 was how many Proclaimers are there?

I'm afraid this is a trick question.

There are in fact 93.

They are bred in pods underneath Arthur's Seat

in order to cope with demand at Hogmanay.

MUSIC: "D.I.V.O.R.C.E." by Billy Connolly.

# He caused me and my wife to have a big fight

# And then both of them bit me

# And that's why I am going to get a D-I-V-O-R-C-E... #

This is my thinkspace.

You might pronounce it "garage".

It's where I come to work out my decision on the referendum.

Imagine this... is a map of the United Kingdom.

Which in many ways it is.

I've created Britain's major assets and landmarks.

So for example we've got Tower Bridge there,

we've got the Millennium Centre in Cardiff,

we've got the Horlicks factory in Slough,

erm, we've got the, that trumpet thing, you know the trumpet thing

that looks like the trumpet out of Teletubbies just off the M8? That.

If Scotland gets independence, and it's handled like a divorce -

a good divorce - who gets what?

For example, we provided oil,

the Tunnock's teacake,

and Chris Hoy's thighs.

England has given us Bruce Forsyth,

the steam train and the Cornish pasty.

Gets a bit stale after a while,

but to be fair he is 193.

Northern Ireland has given us the Titanic,

the DeLorean and the George Best.

And Wales has given us

cheese on toast.

So yes, Britain has given us a lot,

but we've given them a lot too. How do you split it up?

It's going to be impossible, isn't it?

Well, I think we should swap things like for like.

I had a lovely week in Dawlish, in Devon, me and the wife and kids.

Had a lovely time at the House of Marbles.

So I'd like to have that.

And in return they can have... Blair Drummond Safari Park.

Sorry, I'm a bit allergic to giraffes.

But it's an equally good day out. Great sea lions. Smashing cafe.

And we should celebrate each other's history as well,

because it is a shared history, isn't it?

So we could have the Imperial War Museum, Manchester.

Oh! We'll take the London one as well.

And they could have the... the Bannockburn Heritage Centre.

We'll take Morrissey.

And er, they can have the Scottish equivalent of Morrissey...

The Scottish equivalent of Morrissey, the Scottish...

Dougie Vipond!

I like Manchester, I'd quite like to take Manchester.

Not Eccles, I had diarrhoea there once.

But if we take Manchester then Morrissey doesn't have to move.

And if we give them Elderslie,

then Dougie Vipond doesn't have to move. Oh, this is great!

This is totally going to work!

I just need to check it with an expert. Which one, though?

So, Professor Bell,

what I'm thinking is...

we take Morrissey and then I thought, what the hell,

take Manchester as well.

Not Eccles though. I had diarrhoea there once.

What do you think, would that work?

-No.

-Oh.

But you make an important point.

We've been together for 300 years,

but we didn't make a prenuptial agreement.

There's going to have to be a big negotiation after independence.

And of course we're going to need some institutions

that we don't have at the minute.

So what, give me some examples, what are we talking about here?

Well, what about the British Army?

We would have to create our own army in Scotland.

-OK, there you go, so.

-Or what about the Bank of England?

-But that's in England.

-Well, although it's in England,

Scottish taxes have contributed to it over the years

and there's a lot more where that came from.

You're going to need a passport office.

Or, um, a new tax office.

DVLA, low pay commission, Food Standards Agency, HMRC...

What about Met Office?

And what about the Export Credit Guarantee Advisory Council?

HE SIGHS

So all of this will have to be negotiated for

-if Scotland gets independence?

-I think so.

It will take some time, but at the end of the day,

they may better reflect Scotland's needs.

Have you noticed politicians

blethering on about something called the Barnett formula?

They say it's something to do with the economy.

I've never heard of this Barnett formula, and believe it or not,

long before I was Scotland's top light entertainer,

I used to be a mathematician. It's true.

Remind me to explain the concept of countable infinities later.

Point is, in all my years of maths not once did I come across

anything called the Barnett formula.

Sounds like a hair product to me.

Which got me thinking, have you noticed?

Scottish politicians... luxuriantly follicled, aren't they?

Almost too luxuriantly follicled.

Think about it, yeah? Humza Yousaf, full head of hair.

And Kez Dugdale, Ruth Davidson of course, Annabel Goldie,

Ian Grey, Joan McAlpine, Jamie Hepburn,

Malcolm Chisholm - no, not him.

But why should politicians have restricted access to good hair?

I'm going undercover to blow this thing wide open.

So it was a wash, cut and blow dry, was it, Mr Mayhew?

Yes, that's right - Rifkind Mayhew.

Where did you say you were the MSP for, again?

Er, Strathmalithcumbo South.

Yeah, cut and blow dry, please, and er, oh,

can I have a bottle of Barnett formula ?

-Sorry?

-A bottle of Barnett formula.

-Are you trying to hit on me?

-No, no.

I'm an MSP, you're a hairdresser,

and I'm wanting a bottle of Barnett formula, please.

Eh, it's nothing to do with hair?

It's actually a mathematical formula used to work out the block grant

Westminster allocates to England,

Northern Ireland, Wales and Scotland?

-Really?

-Yeah!

Ahhh! So it's a grant, and a hair product!

-MIMICKING SHAMPOO ADVERT:

-'For over 35 years, the central government

'has been delivering block grants to the countries that make up the UK,

'with the help of the Barnett formula.'

So nourishing.

'In 1978, Joel Barnett came up with a formula

'for distributing the wealth of the union fairly

'throughout the countries of the UK.'

Fair distribution, from root to tip.

'But because Joel's classic formula hasn't changed since 1978,

'Scotland now gets more money than any other nation

'except Northern Ireland.'

Here comes the science!

The formula is: appropriate population proportion

multiplied by comparability percentage

or the proportion delivered by the local authority

multiplied by total change in the central government spend.

The Barnett formula. I've never felt so special!

So this Barnett formula, is it really all that?

You'd better ask him.

What, him? OK.

So I understand you're the man to ask about the Barnett formula.

How does it make our politicians' hair so thick?

I think what Sanjeev means to ask, Professor Curtice,

is how is the independence referendum

going to affect the Barnett formula?

Well, if we vote no, according to the coalition government

there won't be any change, Barnett remains in existence.

Mind you, the Nationalists are trying to cast some doubt on that

because a result of changes in the law that are already in train,

in the near future, for pretty much every five pounds

that the Scottish Parliament wants to spend,

it's going to have to raise a pound itself out of taxes.

Most of the income tax north of the border.

And to that extent at least the Barnett formula

is going to become less important anyway.

All right, I think I get it.

So if Scotland gets independence, that'll mean less protection.

Certainly according to some people it will be taking a bit of a risk.

They say, "You know what?

"Scotland's going to be £3, £4 billion a year in the red

"if it goes independent." Others say, "No, no, no, no,

"the oil revenue will keep coming in, Scotland's economy will prosper

"and the Scottish Government

"will have plenty of money to spend on good public services."

Mind you, if Scotland decides to remain in the union,

well, then what we'll find is that actually the amount of money

that Scotland has to spend will still depend to a large amount

on decisions made about how much money to spend in England,

and for some people at least that's a bit of a disadvantage too.

So it's a question of which risk you prefer, whether you vote yes or no.

You're absolutely spot-on.

Get you.

OK, I think I understand now.

The Barnett formula keeps Scotland in relatively good "condition",

whilst an independent Scotland

may or may not keep itself in a better "condition"

depending on how much revenue it can raise.

Got it in one. Can I get you a mousse?

Oh, no, thanks, I've ordered a taxi.

MUSIC: "Lust For Life" by Iggy Pop from the Trainspotting soundtrack

Scotland has been the scene of many firsts.

It was the first country

ever to officially recognise the blood type B negative.

And it was the first country ever to feature a micro-climate -

that wee black cloud that used to hover over Oor Wullie's head

when he was in a bad mood.

HE PANTS

What Scotland isn't the first to do, though,

is have an independence debate. Since the millennium,

we've witnessed the birth of the newly independent states

of Kosovo,

Montenegro,

and East Timor.

So if we vote yes, we're in good company.

And what about the places that held referenda and voted no?

The squabbling islands of St Kitts and Nevis, for example,

decided they were better together.

The French-speaking Canadian province of Quebec said "non",

and Bermuda said...

no.

And yes, referenda IS the plural of referendum.

Nice work, fella!

I knew that was bugging you.

Point is, we're not alone!

So I thought it would be a good idea to speak to someone

whose country has recently become independent.

I say recently, I mean when he was a little boy.

But this man, this expert can tell us

how independence can affect a country's culture,

its self-perception, and its sense of humour.

It's Michael Redmond, everyone!

I don't know if there's any Catholics in the audience.

Obviously like most people from Ireland I was born a Catholic,

which actually came as a shock to my parents who are both Protestants.

ONE PERSON CLAPPING

Well that's all from me, you've been a lovely audience.

Thanks very much, good night, thank you.

Self-styled top Irish comedian

and constitutional expert Michael Redmond

has agreed to throw some incisive light on Scottish independence

from his uniquely informed perspective.

So thanks for agreeing to talk to us about issues of independence.

Now obviously you're from Ireland. What would you say were the main

differences between the situation in Ireland and here in Scotland?

I've been living in Scotland for about 15 years now

and there's one thing I noticed you have in Scotland,

-which we don't have in Ireland.

-What's that?

-Dundee.

-Must write that down.

That's two Es, by the way.

So what about the whole border issue, what's it like actually

having a border sort of in the middle of your country?

I suppose the main issue between the Northern Ireland and the Republic,

is that the border's used by people coming up from the Republic

to buy cheaper booze in Northern Ireland...

-Is that right?

-..than it is in the Republic.

I don't know what the equivalent in Scotland would be.

People, eh, coming up from England for tablet or something.

Oh, so, people from England doing like a tablet run?

Yeah. Tablet run, yeah.

And then how does it work in reverse, would it be...?

-You could do Kendal Mint Cake or something, I dunno.

-Oh, right.

So at the border you've got kind of like a big exchange of...

sort of like the fudge wars.

Fudge wars. Indeed. Yes.

Fudge. It's very interesting, very interesting.

So just drawing to a conclusion, what would you characterise as

the main advantages and disadvantages

of independence as you see it?

I suppose the big advantage is that you are an independent country

so you make your own decisions,

you're not bound by any other country any more.

The other side of it is that if something goes wrong,

you can't blame England any more.

Oh. Who do you blame?

We don't like to mention the Congo.

"Don't mention the Congo." OK.

CHEESY MUSIC PLAYS

Hello and welcome - or as they say in Holland, hello and welcome

to "What will Scotland look like in five years' time?",

the game show where we ask the question,

what will Scotland look like in five years' time?

Depending on whether our contestants vote...yes...

or no!

Well, there's no "What will Scotland look like in five years' time"

without some contestants.

Good job we've got some! Let's meet the first contestant.

What's your name and where do you come from?

My name's Kez Dugdale, I'm Labour MSP for Edinburgh and the Lothians.

And which way are you voting this September? Is it...yes?

Or no?

Obviously I'm going to vote no, cos I think we're better together.

Excellent stuff, it's what I like to hear.

OK, let's meet our second contestant.

What's your name and where do you come from?

My name is Humza Yousaf

and I'm a member of the Scottish Parliament for Glasgow.

And how are you going to be voting? Is it going to be...yes...

or no?

I'll definitely be voting yes.

OK. Let's do this quiz. As you know, the rules are simple.

But complicated. But simple.

You're basically battling against two things - A, the clock,

and two, my boredom threshold.

In this round you have 30 seconds to keep me interested

in what you think Scotland will look like in five years' time,

if we vote yes. And your time starts now.

Well, Sanjeev, in five years' time we'll have a written constitution.

That written constitution will protect us against nuclear weapons,

it'll also protect us against the threat

of being dragged into illegal wars. It means from cradle to grave,

from young to old, we'll create a society where everybody...

-Sanjeev!

-..everybody, has fair opportunities of work,

and fair opportunities in the future.

A more prosperous society, a greener society,

and a wealthier society for us all.

Sanjeev! Come on!

And who knows, even in five years' time, perhaps, just maybe,

Scotland will have qualified for the World Cup too.

Go on, I'm right there!

Well done. Nearly lost me for a microsecond there

but you managed to reel me back in, great work.

OK, well, let's see if you can match that as the no-sayer.

So, if I vote no, what will Scotland look like in five years' time?

Your time starts now.

Scotland will be a fairer and more equal place

because our parliament will get back to talking about the things

that really matter, like jobs and opportunities for young people.

Almost 100,000 young kids across Scotland are out of work and what

are politicians doing? Arguing about the constitution.

-Sanjeev!

-We'll get back to talking about things

-that really matter to families.

-Go on, have a drink!

How to get kids to college, to university,

to start their own businesses, to set out in life and fulfil

the ambitions that their parents and families have got for them.

-Have a drink, you know you want to.

-That's what matters to people.

Brilliant, well done. You're both still in the game.

OK, this time you have 20 seconds to tell us

what you think Scotland will look like in 50 years' time.

And your time starts now.

Well, in 50 years' time Scotland will be the renewables

-and clean energy hub of the entire world.

-Sanjeev, here!

Where the rest of the world is suffering from climate change

-we'll lead in the innovation and technology boom.

-Come on!

That's where I believe Scotland will be in 50 years' time, and who knows,

maybe the Krankies will still be doing panto too.

OK, well, your turn to tell me in 20 seconds

what you think Scotland will look like in 50 years' time.

And remember, keep me interested!

Together with the rest of the United Kingdom we can tap into

our shared powers, opportunities and resources and be at

the forefront of the global race for technology and skills.

-Sanjeev!

-We've got a very proud history of education and innovation

-and we can be at the forefront of that again...

-Have a drink!

..to be part of the United Kingdom and tap into all that opportunity,

and make sure we can realise the potential of our fantastic country.

Ah. Brilliant. Well done.

Yes has taken 50% of my attention span,

and No has got the remaining 50% of my attention span.

Which means it's a draw!

So, can you come back next week?

And the week after that? And the week after that?

And the week after that?

Good. You'll need to.

And I hope they can keep your attention as well at home

all the way to the big vote in September.

Cheerie-byesie-osies.

APPLAUSE AND CHEESY MUSIC

MUSIC: "Year Of Decision" by The Three Degrees