Wells Cathedrals

-RICHARD ALWYN:

-In 1954, the English poet Philip Larkin wrote Church Going,

a poem describing the peculiar pull that a sacred building can have,

its habit of stopping, stilling and prompting reflection.

"Though I've no idea what this accoutred frowsty barn is worth

"it pleases me to stand in silence here.

"A serious house on serious earth it is,

"in whose blent air all our compulsions meet,

"are recognised and robed as destinies".

This is Wells Cathedral, deep in rural Somerset.

People have been stopping here for more than eight centuries,

pilgrims of all sorts, some on a tourist trail,

for Larkin, "ruin-bibbers, randy for antique".

Others, Christians, confident or casual,

entering the temple of their faith.

And others still, like Larkin,

confused to find themselves drawn to a frowsty barn,

compelled to stop and stand or sit in silence.

This film is about some of these church-goers

drawn to Wells Cathedral during the first six months of 2013.

-Hi, good afternoon.

-Hello, there.

-Are we going around the Cathedral?

-Coming round the Cathedral?

-Yeah.

-OK. Let me give you a leaflet.

Just walk in to the nave and if you do nothing else,

-stand at the back of the nave and look at the awesome view...

-OK.

-..and that's good.

If you feel you want to wander around, then follow the map.

There's no charge. We rely on donations but you can do it at the end.

Come through this porch here, turn left and go right to the end

and that'll lead you in to the nave.

Just enjoy it.

Hello, sir. Are you coming round the Cathedral?

-ALWYN:

-Why are you here? What brings you to the Cathedral?

I have a friend staying for a few days

and she's not been to Wells before, so..

-Oh, you live here, do you?

-I live in...

-Within the diocese, actually, but not in Somerset but not in Wells.

-Right.

So a few miles away. Another little town called Langport.

-Are you a worshipper?

-I can't say...

I would say I'm a nominal C of E

but I can't say that I'm a regular worshipper.

But I do like this cathedral very much.

-Do you come in here often?

-I come when I have visitors.

But I first came here when I was on the way to a summer holiday

with my parents when I was about ten years old.

So we were driving down from Cheshire down to Cornwall

and we broke our journey

and it was one of the places the parents thought we ought to see.

Although I'm a nominal Christian, I always say a prayer when I come in

because I feel, almost, it's a matter of courtesy.

Erm... But I mean we all want...

We all... I think most people, most humans want something to be there,

whether with your mind you think probably there is not,

with your inner being you probably want there to be...

to feel there's something beyond us.

They started building 1175. It took 75 years to build.

There's two people here asking a question I can't answer

and I'm sure you will be able to answer anything.

-Oh, I'll try.

-You're in safe hands now.

WOMAN: You are now looking at the oldest clock in the world with its original face.

-You're making me nervous.

-(CHUCKLES)

We could all trot along like a little holy train, couldn't we?

-Is this the usual trail?

-Yes.

-It's quite a trek, isn't it?

-I keep going until I've had enough

and then I sit down.

But this way I stand a chance of seeing as many people as possible

in case they want to ask me something which I don't know,

which of course they always can.

-You don't have a collar.

-Sorry, my love?

-You don't have a collar.

-No.

-Don't chaplains...? But you're a chaplain.

I'm a chaplain but I'm a reader, not a priest. I'm not ordained.

I'm sort of halfway mark.

We're a lay ministry, so I can take some services, I can preach,

I can teach, but I can't consecrate and I can't bless.

And in a way, I don't exactly exist.

CLOCK CHIMING

CLOCK STRIKES THE HOUR

Ladies and gentlemen, it is our custom at the Cathedral

to mark the hour here at the clock with a brief prayer,

to which you are very welcome.

Dear Lord, we built this cathedral as a house for you,

not because you need it - you don't.

Not because it's big enough to hold you - it isn't.

Not because we can't find you anywhere else - we can.

We built it as a meeting place where together we can worship and wonder,

sing and study, pray and ponder.

Be with us while we are here and when we leave, be with us still.

Let this place be lovely in our memories

and miraculous in our lives.

Amen.

Thank you.

-On the hour every hour?

-On the hour every hour.

When the clock's finished performing, I lead a prayer.

And I find what works best, oddly enough,

either is very modern or very old.

They seem to be the most popular.

The old Celtic ones are very popular

and some of the modern Celtic ones, as well.

So I just copied them out of every prayer book I've got at home

until I got a good selection

and then wrote a few extra for situations that only exist

when you're trotting around Wells Cathedral and talking to people.

And that way I can deal with it

without having to think in a panic-stricken fashion

just before the clock strikes.

Most people like it but some people seem...

Well, it seems to strike some people

as being like something out of Harry Potter.

The last thing they expect is anybody to pray in a cathedral.

Truly, I tell you, they have received their reward.

But when you give alms,

do not let your left hand know what you right hand is doing.

Lamb of God, you take away the sin of the world, have mercy on us.

So you've got pieces of glass from all over the Cathedral

put in together.

The object was to achieve height

and how they did it was

to make slimmer columns and pointed arches.

Well, if I ask you, first of all,

what your relationship with the building is.

Well, I come here when I feel like I would like to have a trip

down to somewhere that's been here for a long, long time.

I find that very important

and I really feel that we're privileged to have places

that we can come, that are open and that we are free to do that.

But you don't mean a National Trust property.

-There are lots of old places around.

-No, but in terms of as a Christian.

And it's like a mini-pilgrimage, actually.

It's being able to come to somewhere

that, almost, you know that God dwells,

because there is something about a place sometimes.

Can you put your finger...? I know it's difficult to describe.

That is a difficult one.

For me, it must be something to do with the architecture

and the acoustics and this kind of little bit echoey,

little bit whispery, hushed, all that kind of thing -

evokes a sense of prayers having been prayed,

of God having been here, of being here.

And it's almost something that you can tangibly connect with

and I find that really important.

Forgive me asking, do you pray when you're here?

-Does it make you want to go on your knees?

-Er, sometimes, sometimes.

But I mostly pray not on my knees. But I pray most of the time.

-You pray most of the time?

-Yeah.

I'm not far away from praying most of the time, actually.

-Can you explain that a bit to me?

-Now, that's a difficult one.

-Er...

-As someone who doesn't pray.

-Exactly.

So people who do pray would know exactly what I mean

but people who don't would find that difficult.

God and the person of Jesus Christ is very important to me and in my life

and I feel that without having met Jesus Christ I wouldn't be here.

I wouldn't be here.

So for me, connecting with Jesus is

an absolutely vital part of my daily life,

because as far as I'm concerned Jesus is the source of life.

And so I pray and chat all the time and think to God all the time.

-Were you brought up a Christian?

-I was brought up going to church

but it was not till I was in my mid-20s

that I would say I became a Christian.

What happened in the mid-20s?

What happened? I would say it was a classic case

of just sort of thinking, well, what on earth is life all about?

The career doesn't do it, the job doesn't do it,

the living in America for a year doesn't do it.

The owning a house and having a car

and plenty of money in the bank wasn't doing it. Erm...

-So not prompted by a crisis?

-Well, unhappiness.

Deep unhappiness, I think.

And at that stage I started to think about my life

and when had I been happy

and now I realise that it's singing in the choir in church, I'd been happy.

So I sort of made a little commitment to myself to find God.

And within a year my life had completely changed.

-And how did it happen?

-How did it happen?

Through... A friend of my sister's was invited

to go along to a new church, a not-in-a-building church.

Erm... But there I found a whole load of people, Christians, who were...

They were normal people, got the same life problems as anybody else,

but they had found something, they were peaceful

and their lives were working.

And I thought, "This is what I need."

But what I'm finding as I get older is

I want to go back to the liturgy of the Church of England.

And that's what I like to hook into, the continuity from old times.

I wouldn't say I come every month

but just sometimes it's really valuable to me to be able to come

and get a sense of, yes, this is the house of God.

ORGAN PLAYING DARK, LOW MUSIC

Welcome to Evensong in the Cathedral

and a special welcome if you're a visitor and here for the first time.

# Glory be to the Father and to the Son

# And to the Holy Ghost

-CHOIR:

-# As it was in the beginning

# Is now and ever shall be

# World without end

# Amen. #

The New Testament reading is from the Acts of the Apostles,

Chapter 9, beginning at Verse 26.

The Chapter begins with Saul still breathing threats and murder

against the disciples of the Lord.

Of course, the trick is to pick the weeds up

and leave the vegetables.

-What have you got coming through here?

-Sorry?

-What's in this bed here?

-Er, here I've got courgettes,

parsnips there

and I've got a few basil that I'm trying to bring on quickly under the cloches.

Very nice.

Are you very aware of this thing behind you, the great big beast?

Yes. Well, yes. Er...

Erm...

As an outsider it has a huge presence, it seems to me.

But maybe you forget it if you're here every day, you know?

Yeah, yeah, I think you do to a certain extent.

There's... You know, there's a sense in which familiarity doesn't breed contempt

but, you know, but you do just get used to it and erm...

I suppose I think of it as that windy place I cycle past

on the way to the market, you know. Erm...

-Do you ever go in?

-I think I haven't been in for about four or five years.

Right.

The times that I do stop and look at it,

I think, cor blimey, that's fantastic,

that's, you know, that's a real, you know,

magnificent bit of human achievement.

That idea that there can be a force in society that will...

That is that confident in itself

that it knows it will be around in five generations' time

and it can, you know, it can begin something

that will take a 150, 200 years to build -

I think that's staggering.

-Were you brought up a Christian?

-Yeah, I was born and raised Catholic

and I suppose it was the politics of Christianity that I didn't get on with.

But I was sort of sufficiently moved

to do, I think it was the first ever, theology A level,

so, you know, so it obviously touched

a kind of, you know, a questing bit of me, so I was...

But is that why you cycle past the Cathedral and not go in,

because you associate it with the establishment behind the Church

and the politics of religion, rather than the expression of God?

That's a really good question and the answer is I don't know.

I think there may well be something in that, you know.

You know, a bit like the old Communists used to say,

you know, you sort of have to reinvent the revolution

on a kind of daily basis.

I think you've also got to kind of...

rediscover your spirituality on a...

You know, your relationship with, you know,

sort of whatever spirituality means to you

on a, you know, on a kind of regular basis and it's...

I can really see how some people could, you know,

could do that in the cathedral

but I think, yeah, maybe the kind of politics,

the politics of it actually stops me personally from doing it.

But, you know, but that's just a very personal thing, you know.

So, you know, so, you know, so I express my spirituality

in... in, you know, different ways, I suppose.

You know, I've... You know, I've got my practice, you know,

I've got my meditation and my chi gong practice

and I've got this place here, you know.

And, you know, and I think the...

Well, it's not really an irony

-but the fact that it happens to be in the grounds of the cathedral is not lost on me.

-Right.

-CHAPLAIN:

-Yes, that looks like an organ recital crowd.

-Do you come to listen to music here?

-Sorry, love?

-Do you come to listen to music here?

-Oh, yes, yes.

When Mum's up to it, we come to the concerts,

particularly the concerts the cathedral school does,

which are brilliant, absolutely fantastic.

But she's got to feel up to it and we haven't been for a little while

because the winter's been so hard.

But hopefully before long we'll be able to come again.

-How is she?

-She's very good for 92

but she has her off moments.

So she's old not ill?

Frail would probably be the best way to...

As stubborn as a whole wagon load of mules but frail.

And it's no point bringing her if she's going to feel rotten.

-And you live with her? You look after her at home?

-I live with Mum, yeah.

We look after each other.

A couple of creaking gates, propped up. That's what it's like.

ORGAN PLAYING BRIGHT, LYRICAL MUSIC

Do you come here often? The corny beginning.

Yes, I... I have been coming here quite often

in the last year and a half, since I moved to this area from Denmark.

Denmark. Oh, right. Why were you in Denmark?

I am not Danish but I was there for 33 years,

where I was part of the life there and I was working

and, you know, bringing up my son, so...

Why did you come back to this part of the world? Had you been here before?

No, never. I'm from the North of England

but I knew people here in this area.

And I just felt the need to come back to my roots in England.

And I feel much more comfortable here than I have done anywhere else.

-Do you live here in Wells?

-No, I live in Glastonbury.

How often do you come to Wells, then?

I have been coming maybe four or five times a week.

Are you coming here for the cathedral?

That is a focal point

and I feel welcome here, actually.

So two or three times a week you do just walk in.

Yes. And, and...

Erm, yeah. My father died just a year ago,

so, in a sense, this was an obvious place to come

to light a candle and to...

Yeah, just sit here and reflect

and be aware

of the atmosphere in here.

Just by being here something in me changes.

It's as though there's a presence in this church.

It's very much an instrument for music.

And every day there's music filling this cathedral -

every day,

and probably for centuries. Yeah.

And hearing the music resounding in, you know,

these vast arched, you know... the roof of the building,

it touches, it plays on me,

it resonates, it resonates,

because it is a musical instrument.

If I'm feeling a little disjointed,

disconnected, stressed,

er... disturbed...

When my father died I was, of course, sad.

And I come in to like a container here

of tranquillity,

peace - that's what I find.

And these arches remind me of a forest or a grove of tall trees.

And I love the way the light falls on the tiles

from these stained-glass windows, you know?

It's behind you but it's in front of me.

It's not easy to move when you're 66

from one way of life to another.

I'm not quite sure how I will use

-these last years of my life.

-Mm.

I'm not ready to go into a retirement home

and I need to be using what I have in some way,

erm, in some kind of expression,

or else it gets stuck and then I don't feel good.

It feels like it's a part of sorting out where you go next...

-Yes, definitely.

-..the way you talk about it.

-Mm.

And it's coming to fertile ground.

Mm.

So, yeah.

It's a beacon on the journey of life, this particular space

and building.

ORGAN PLAYS QUIETLY, CLOCK STRIKES

William Joy is master mason up here,

and he comes, and this is his idea.

They're called restraining arches, because the weight is transferred.

That's good, that's fine. I'm happy with that.

-Can I come up?

-Yeah, absolutely, yeah, do.

I'll open both the doors as well.

What do I do? Just climb up round there?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

-Don't go away.

-I'm not going anywhere.

I can't go anywhere quick enough.

It's interesting watching you from down below.

-You look like you're on the bridge of the ship up here.

-Yeah.

It feels like you're the captain on the ship. Does it?

You do have the sort of vantage point.

Nobody else is as high as you.

I mean, the only time people get higher is

when they go up on the West Gallery and that's only sort of once a year.

And it is a privileged position. You sort of look down.

We've got this little screen, so we can see the conductor, as well.

That's very, very tiny.

It's only black and white as well, so that's not so exciting.

Erm... But it is nice.

Do you have a sense of people around?

-Do you have a sense of what's going on around you?

-Absolutely.

Obviously, if you're doing choir practice during the day,

you can hear all the tours going on.

There's sort of... There's a lot of laughing, a lot of...

You know, we're restricted to the quietest couple of stops

and you can't actually hear them

because there's always people wittering on.

But it is nice when there are people around.

And lots of people do say they appreciate the music.

Do you have a sense of the impact that it makes on people? Is that something you're aware of?

Well, many people come to choral evensong because of the choral element,

because of the music - it draws them in.

Then they begin to appreciate other things, like the liturgy.

But I think the music is really accessible to everyone, really.

I think people see the music as a level up from what we normally do,

from speech and from simply praying.

I think that there's a very, very famous quote

which says when you sing you pray twice.

-St Augustine.

-That's right.

And there's a lot to be said for that.

But you're working very hard behind the scenes.

-You're the sort of puppet master, aren't you?

-Oh, yeah.

So everybody out there in the nave is having

a transformative, numinous experience.

And I'm sweating away over a hot stove.

It's not really hot but, you know, it's still a stove.

There is a sense in which you're literally pulling their heart strings.

-I try not to.

-There is.

-Well, that's very... No.

-I think there is in a way.

No, it's nice, because there are always people in here listening.

Erm... Whether or not they're sitting in the nave,

they're always, you know... They're captivated by the organ music.

-Why do you think that is?

-Erm...

I guess because one of the only places

where you hear the organ played during the day would be in a cathedral.

Unless you went to, obviously, a recital series or something,

because...

And also, with the acoustic and everything,

it all sort of blends into this wonderful experience.

And the sounds, especially when it's not that loud,

when it's just sort of floating above you...

And especially as the organ's on this sort of vantage point up top,

it means that the sound's not on ground level, it's above,

and I think there's something to be said for, you know,

putting your ears upwards to the music

and then even further upwards, I guess, to God.

And that's the kind of... That's the aim, I think.

ORGAN PLAYS MEDITATIVE, QUESTING MUSIC

-BASS:

-# The souls

# Of the righteous

# The souls

# Of the righteous

# The souls

# Of the righteous

# Are in the hands...

# Of God... #

Our Holy Communion tray.

You always light the Epistle candle first,

then the Gospel candle.

Our Prisoner of Conscience candle.

BIRDSONG

Put the sign out.

I always have a quick brush just here - the pigeons.

Come on, Louis. MAKES KISSING NOISE

CAT MIAOWS Morning!

Busy night?

Comes for his first feed of the day.

There you go.

-MAN:

-Beautiful stairs up to the Chapter House.

Come on up into this absolutely stunning building.

Isn't it amazing?

It's used for exhibitions now

because the light is so good in here.

It's a wonderful place to sing.

-HE SINGS A HIGH NOTE

-# Ah!

It's just got a perfect acoustic to sing in, hasn't it?

-It's beautiful. Sorry if I made you jump!

-Just a bit.

Do you look forward to coming here? You come here...?

-About once a month at the moment.

-Do you look forward to that?

-Very much.

-Very much. It's one of the things...

-Why?

-..I love best to do.

So many... I look at the place. It's staggering, it's beautiful.

I've loved the cathedral and known it since the 1970s.

I now have permission to wander around in a cassock,

lead the prayers at the clock, meet people

and be in an atmosphere I'd recognise anywhere.

You know when you're in the cathedral.

There is something about it.

Something you recognise, even if you can't define it.

And it's here.

I want to push you to try and define it.

I can't define it. Erm...

Is it...? It's not to do with the people or...?

The people are a part of it. The people are a part of it.

The services are a part of it.

The beauty of the place is a part of it

but I've been to a lot of places where people are welcoming

and the building is beautiful

and the services are first class and things.

But there is this sensation here of coming home.

It's this curious mixture of homely and holy, and the cathedral has it.

It's interesting talking to you as a chaplain, a Christian.

You don't use the G word, you don't talk about it in terms of God,

you talk about it in terms of holiness.

I'm not suggesting that God be excluded from the cathedral,

because that would be ridiculous,

but the trouble with religion is

that it comes with a lot of bits we could really do without.

-Such as?

-And God...

Well, some of the dogmas are really rather ridiculous, aren't they?

And the Church's history is not pristine,

whichever way you look at it.

And the word "God" tends to collect that as well.

What I'm trying to describe here is beyond words -

and I like words, that's the thing I work with -

but whatever is here is beyond words.

Jesus is the central character in my life, and God is,

but the more I try and pull God into the word

and into the structures of the ideas,

the less it feels like the feeling

that causes, that makes me to come to the church and be religious in the first place.

-I sound more Glastonbury than Wells, don't I?

-Well, in a way, yes.

I think that we human beings create the best we can in our religions

but we cannot possibly get it all.

It's too big. It's much too big.

But whatever it is, this thing that I can't find words for,

-I don't think there

-are

-words for,

includes Him and probably includes the word God

and all the other stuff that goes with it.

But there is still this more

and what happens for me when I come in here is

I get part of the more is here.

Part of the more is here.

But I would not say that it can't be in other places as well.

-Nothing exclusive about it.

-No.

You walk out of your front door at night to put the milk bottles out,

and you look up and there's all these stars,

there's this incredible sky,

and you get this sense of the size, just the size.

And it's exactly the same when you come in here.

There's what I can see and there's what I can't see.

But both times I get this enormous overarching sense

of space and otherness

that is both totally familiar and utterly alien at the same time.

It's no use me trying to fit it in a box because it won't go.

Well, I can't get it in a box. Other people can but I can't.

Is that how you, as a Christian, would think about God as well?

-Yes.

-So is this...?

People describe cathedrals as being heaven on earth.

Yes. Perhaps not quite so perfect.

We haven't polished our halos yet.

But it is... It is...

a piece of heaven

put to the... put on earth

within our limitations.

BIRDSONG

-Do you have any connection with this place?

-MAN: Yes, yes, yes.

You do? What's the connection with the cathedral?

My mother and father moved down to Glastonbury

when I was about 25, I suppose,

and so we used to come to see them.

And then when we moved down to Devon,

we used to pop over and see them and bring the kids

and sometimes we'd come over to Wells.

Over the years I've been back and forth.

Recently I had a little exhibition here in Wells

and the artists came over and we came and met in front of Wells Cathedral

and then went and had a meal in the square there.

So, yeah, a bit. I know it a bit.

A landmark. Well, not really a landmark.

Well, it is a landmark. I mean, it's an outstanding building.

I mean that really impresses me.

It looks like the front of the Notre Dame, it's so huge.

That's the thing that really excites me.

It has a sort of authority about it

in, not exactly sculptural terms, but in terms of the actual structure.

And so cathedrals have that quality which does affect me,

but in an artistic way.

-The sense of the management of space is fascinating.

-Right.

Do you mean the management in terms of the engineering of it,

-how you contain space...

-Yes, I suppose so.

-..or what it actually does for you?

Erm... I think it's that f... I don't know.

It's something to do... Of being in some place with some enormity.

You know, we live such cramped lives

and you get in these buildings and there's a silence

and there's a soft light

and there's these massive piers and things that are just extraordinary.

It's the sort of feeling, I suppose, that when you feel yourself -

I hate the word - but transported by music, for example,

but in a sense that is very difficult to say

what exactly has happened to one's mind

when you have these sensations and these feelings.

But there's something definitely palpable about it.

But I'd attribute it to, I don't know.

WOMAN SINGING ETHEREAL MUSIC

Can you explain what you're singing?

Well, it's tuning into my own divinity

and the language is the language of light,

the universal language of light,

which is a language that comes from the heart.

You can't learn it. It has to come from the heart.

And that's what I practise in my meditations - being fully in my heart

because then you can be in your joy and it goes hand in hand.

And when I'm in joy, then I can sing.

I can't sing unless my heart's open and I'm in joy.

It's very, very simple, is that.

Are you a Christian? Do you have a Christian background?

I was brought up a Christian but I have more belief there is a...

There is a source beyond that, outside ourselves,

which we're all connected to.

-I don't particularly attach myself to any religion.

-Right.

But I do come here and find great resources, shall we say,

a place where I can tune in to myself

and have great connect to my own divinity, basically,

and it brings me a great deal of joy to come here.

More so than other places?

Yes, because we have this beautiful place here,

this chapter house where I can sing.

So not all cathedrals have a lovely chapter house like this.

The cathedral has always been a big pull to me.

Why do you think that is?

Well, all cathedrals and churches are built on ley lines.

They were deliberately done like that

and to harness the power of the earth's gridlines,

and so this is why it's a very powerful place.

And, of course, it's linked to Glastonbury Tor,

also through these gridlines, which is another source of power.

So it's very... It's very special to me, this place.

PRIEST: Almighty God, grant us to listen to Him carefully,

to know Him truly and to love him sincerely.

-The body of Christ.

-Amen.

-The body of Christ.

-Amen.

-Good afternoon.

-Good afternoon.

-Hi.

-Are you coming round the cathedral?

-Yes, we are.

-Excellent.

-How long have you been involved in the cathedral?

-Erm...

-You're not a guide, you're a welcomer.

No, at the present here at the cathedral I'm a welcomer,

one of the volunteer welcomers.

And this is my fifth year that I've been involved in Wells.

It is a living environment, it has a purpose.

You say it has a purpose.

I was wondering what purpose you feel the building serves.

Erm... Particularly in this 21st century age,

where we would think that buildings like this,

huge buildings, giants of buildings like this, are really obsolete

and there's no place for them in our modern society, you don't need it.

Well, actually, you don't need it to worship,

To carry out Christian worship you don't need a massive Cathedral.

But part of the purpose of a cathedral was... I don't know.

They are places that you can just disappear into, sink into,

and take time out.

I do believe that God has plans for us and...

But most of the time we don't really appreciate it or realise it

or we choose to ignore it.

I suppose as I was coming up to retirement

and... and...

after my daughter's death, there was more time.

My daughter was physically disabled,

-so there was a lot of time spent caring for her.

-Yeah. Yeah.

Erm... It just felt the right thing to do

and I'm sure it's where God wants me to be a volunteer,

to work, to meet and greet people,

and so I'm very happy with that.

Good afternoon.

I was wondering how much, having suffered something

or experienced something like the loss of a child,

do you need to kind of redouble your faith and that trust in God,

and whether being somewhere like this helps that process?

Mm.

Yeah, I think losing...

It's probably one of the worst experiences ever is

to lose a child for whatever reason.

And it is too easy to then blame everybody,

and let's blame God, shall we? Because it's his fault.

He's God. He could stop it all, couldn't He?

And I think at the time, and shortly after the time,

there was a lot of heartache and grief

because you had lost something that was very precious.

My daughter was 24, and although she was born physically disabled,

she was a wonderful woman, a wonderful person

and she had a vast number of people she knew and liked.

It would just be embarrassing, you'd just go to places,

She loved rugby, so we'd go to Twickenham and there'd be people saying, "Hello, hello."

She just knew so many people. And she was very...

She had this ability to make everybody love her.

And to lose someone like that through long-term illness...

And it was a long term.

I think we had 19 months with her, her with us,

longer than the doctors said we would have,

so that was a positive thing and we always reflect on that.

But the grief continues, and it doesn't -

as anybody will tell you who's been in similar circumstances -

the grief doesn't ease, it's always there.

You learn to live with it and you learn to control it.

And one's faith helps you

to, you know, wake up each morning and carry on.

I don't know fully what God's plan is for me.

I just know that part of the plan is here,

being at Wells in the cathedral.

And I don't know if that will lead to something else in the future.

It might do, or it might be just, "This is it for you.

"This is where I want you to be

"and I want you to stay here for whatever length of time."

I will know when the time is up, when He wants me to sort of move on,

or hopefully I will recognise that time.

But at the moment, every Wednesday I come here,

it's another joy... joyful occasion.

BABY SHOUTS Yeah, good sound, isn't it? Good echo!

In the nave, it sounds even better.

-Ah!

-Thanks.

-If it's really good, you'll end up in the choir.

Good afternoon. Are you coming round the cathedral?

Will you be wanting to take photographs at all?

You can do if you wish but you just need to buy a permit.

Do you remember seeing this place for the first time?

We came as a family, a family holiday -

-car, children, dog, suitcases.

-Yeah.

And no motorways. So it was a long journey and we stopped off here.

-Did it make any impression?

-Yes, well, it must have done because we came every year.

But was the impression, "I want to get back in the car to carry on to go to Devon,"

-or was it, "This is amazing"?

-Oh, yeah, this was amazing.

Yes, definitely.

And I used to look forward to coming and seeing it again.

And then when the chance came to live here when I was married,

you know, I couldn't believe my luck, it was wonderful.

I didn't realise you were married living here.

I thought you lived in Leicester.

I lived in Leicestershire for a great many years but I was...

When I was married, my husband had a job in Wells.

-Oh, right. What did he do?

-He was a chemist, pharmacy technician.

-OK.

-So we lived in the High Street

and I got to toddle around Wells all the time,

in and out of the cathedral.

But, as I've said before,

that was during my period of being a using drug addict.

So the memories are a bit scrambled and my behaviour is a bit...

..was a bit scrambled.

But I did work here. I worked as a cleaner.

-What was the addiction sort of...? How many...?

-Pills.

Right. For years and years or for a short period?

Oh, yeah, about 25. About 25.

-Right.

-Mixed pills. Anything I could get hold of, legally or illegally.

But barbiturates and speed and lots and lots of codeine

and slightly more upmarket opiates if I could get them.

-It helped that I worked for doctors.

-Yeah.

If you're going to be a drug addict,

working for doctors really is quite a bright idea,

except you always end up getting caught,

which, of course, I did every time. But...

Was the addiction all sort of part of the kind of cultural..

-Sorry, my dear?

-I was wondering if the addiction was part

of the cultural, kind of drug availability, '60s...

No. No, no, no, not at all. I managed it all by myself.

-Right.

-I made the discovery that pills made you feel different

and I wanted to feel different

and so the sense was then, it seemed to me, was to get hold of some pills.

What I didn't know, of course, was

they got you by the throat and didn't let go.

I... So I had a long history of drug addiction.

Why did you want to feel different? Do you know?

Oh, I know exactly why, but it's certainly not for broadcasting.

Oh, right, OK.

But to help the... Kind of get away from the muck and chaos of life?

-Yes.

-Pills are an answer, aren't they?

-Yes.

-Pills made it possible for me to function.

-Yeah.

I didn't want to opt out. I didn't want to...

What's it? They were dropping out all over the place at that time.

I didn't want to do that.

I wanted to drop in and live

-but not make a mess of it, which I was doing...

-Yeah.

..for various reasons.

Pills gave me the ability to function almost like a human being.

Very close. But, of course, as the years went on,

I needed bigger and bigger amounts

and things went more spectacularly wrong.

But I had that little foretaste of what it was like to work here

-when I was a cleaner.

-Mm.

-And you can't...

-Do you remember how it felt?

Being an addict in here, was it any kind of...?

-Was it just like another space in those days or was it...?

-No.

-Was it something special even then?

-It was like being able

to see through a door that was open, but a very long distance away,

through which you could see sunlight in the garden

and people moving about - so there was this other world.

All I had to do - all I had to do -

was find a way to get at it.

But by that time I'd come to the conviction

that I couldn't stop using -

I couldn't live with using, I couldn't live without it,

so the obvious thing, it seemed to me,

would be that I would just go on using until I died.

I didn't know about recovery,

I didn't know about the 12 Step Programme.

I didn't know about any of that. My sister found that out for me.

But I could see there was another world

and I could see that it was in and about here, definitely.

-Here, where? Here?

-In the cathedral.

-Really?

-Oh, yeah, yeah.

And did your faith kind of, your Christian faith mean much to you...

-Oh, yeah.

-..through those dark...?

It is possible to be a Christian and a drug addict.

-It's very hard work.

-Right.

-But you can do it.

In fact, I very much doubt if I would have survived

if I hadn't been,

because in all the dreadful stuff that was happening

and the dreadful things I did and all that sort of stuff,

the figure of Christ was present throughout.

Not the judgmental one.

Just somebody who was always there,

even if because of the using, I couldn't hear what he was saying.

It was as though there was thick glass between us

but he was always there.

So how does it make you feel, being here today then?

Is it a different feeling?

Oh, totally.

When I was a child, we were only visiting,

so it was like rushing in, gasping with awe and rushing out

because we'd got to get the rest of the journey.

When I was here using, it was like living next door to paradise.

I could see it but couldn't get in.

Here, now, it's weird,

because it's much more real because I work here,

which means all the ordinary stuff comes in,

like when it's too cold and your feet are frozen,

when you've miscalculated

and you haven't brought your socks for the duty.

And you get tired

and it's normal human things of being in the cathedral,

so it isn't perfect but it's real,

and that is infinitely better, infinitely better.

And I have a place in it.

It may be the place as the chaplain who forgets to switch off her microphone

more often than anybody else

but at least it is a place I belong.

And I hope that I always will.

-I've got to keep an eye on the clock.

-Do you want to go?

-How many places are there?

-I have no idea.

We can pack several hundred in here without... Several hundred.

I don't know, I've never counted.

Ooh! But er...

-Several hundred.

-Several hundred, yes.

-1,000?

-I don't think as much as that.

What would you think, looking at the size of that?

-I'm not very good on numbers.

-No, neither and I.

-The chairs are straight.

-They're very straight.

We can fill of all that and then use all those side chairs as well.

But that's for a very big service.

-But we do have them.

-Yes.

-Yeah.

-Nice to see it.

-Nice.

Do you know,

I never come here without somebody asking me a question I don't know the answer to.

-Never!

-Well, it's not the most obvious of questions.

Now I shall have to either find a verger

or count them next time I'm on duty,

so I'll be able to tell somebody when they ask next time.

-Thank you.

-You're very welcome.

Thank you very much.

CLOCK CHIMING

CLOCK STRIKING

BELL TOLLS

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd