Mexico to New Zealand The Cruise: A Life at Sea

Imagine you've embarked on the journey of a lifetime...

..a luxury cruise around the world.

I've done things and seen places that other people dream of seeing.

2,000 people are travelling some of the way,

but 400 lucky souls have signed up for the entire adventure.

Well this, for me, is the culmination of a life's dream.

It sure makes your eyes water.

They'll be stopping at some of most beautiful

and exotic places around the globe.

I think it's the most amazing thing ever.

But this all-inclusive package offers much more than sunshine

and sightseeing.

On this global odyssey, the passengers have their very

own vicar.

Welcome, everyone, to this very special and very happy occasion.

The ship IS my parish, therefore, I'm seeking to minister to

everyone onboard, whether they're believers or not.

Welcome to The Cruise.

Balmoral has already crossed

the Atlantic and the Caribbean and passed through the Panama Canal.

She's now embarking on one of the longest legs,

across the vast Pacific Ocean.

The chaplain onboard is the Reverend Colin Still.

On our cruise, we're now almost as far away from home as we can be,

and long days at sea present all sorts of opportunities and problems.

This is a particularly long one, seven days at sea,

but what is good is that so many of them are taking positive

steps to make sure the quality of their life still continues.

One group of passengers have formed their own club.

Ian Ernshaw and Dave Davies are the ringleaders.

CHEERING

If you join in all these games, you'll make friends

because they don't want to be on their own.

They want to meet people, and the way of cruising is meeting people.

I've had people ask me, "You come with a big crowd, didn't you?"

And I said, "No." I said, "We didn't know a single person

"until we got on this ship."

And there's been a bond

of about 20, maybe 30 people, and it's been fun all the way through.

I look at the rather elderly passenger list in a positive way.

They're really determined to enjoy themselves

and to make the most of the limited time that is available.

You can hear all the fun down there,

all the laughter and the camaraderie.

I know lots of people have nicknames.

For some reason, they've called me Stumpy.

Go on, Stumpy!

I don't think it's cos I'm short and fat. Could be.

Ian? Oh, he's Mr No Mates,

cos if you get tied up with Ian, you never win nothing.

CHEERING

-I don't believe it!

-We do!

You're in trouble, you three, tonight.

LAUGHTER

Hello.

Ian and Gail Hussey have joined the cruise to celebrate their golden

wedding anniversary, and they've asked Colin to renew their vows.

I just want to let Gail know that everything

I said 50 years ago is still true today.

Now it's just a question of finding the perfect place for the ceremony.

That's a lovely backdrop.

It's unfortunate that there's nothing to see apart from...

nothing TO see apart from THE sea.

THE sea, yeah. It would do, it would do.

Would it?

As long we're not doing this too much.

We're not very good on our legs any more, you know.

But it hasn't always been plain sailing.

About ten years into our marriage, all sorts of peculiar

symptoms started to occur with me, body-wise. It was diagnosed

as being what they said, in those days, was "disseminated sclerosis".

Which I think today is just a form of MS.

It has been difficult, especially for Ian,

but it's been difficult for us to live with it, too.

I don't like all these mirrors everywhere.

How the other half lives, eh?

We joke and say that

if we'd killed each other, we'd have only served half the time.

Well, yes, this is lovely but, uh...

Hmm.

All we can do is just ask. And see what happens.

I think it would be better up in the Observatory.

Amateur dramatics are always a popular pastime.

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to what we're going to call The Theatre.

The producer, Carol Bunyan, has three weeks to perfect the play

Awayday - a satire on corporate culture.

You pull him that way, right? And then you pull him... That's it!

It's quite a challenge

as Carol's asking her inexperienced thespians to improvise the dialogue.

Working with the lions backstage. I think

he's practising his lion-taming skills.

"Oh, good!" We all go. At which point, Sue...

I get them to talk to each other, they're the husband,

they're the wife. Once those characters all come together,

I then tell them the plot of the piece, and then we spin it.

All sounds terribly easy. It's not.

LAUGHS

No, no, no. It... Honestly, there's one too many gags. Honestly.

'Sometimes in drama, because it's improvisation, it can turn,'

if you're not careful, into psychodrama.

Say you have a situation where somebody's falling in love

with somebody.

-You can call me Torquil.

-Oh, Torquil!

Oh, Susie!

And suddenly, you see from the performance that's a little

bit too near the truth, we just turn that story around.

Come on, girls! On, on, on!

When Sue gives you a cue, you move. Limp, limp, limp, limp, limp!

You do get a lot of complications onboard. You really do.

And erm, I used to have a note on my door, as a joke,

"Surgery Hours", because people were, like, "Can I talk to you?"

And you turn yourself into some sort of terrible therapist.

I'm so glad Colin, the Reverend Colin,

is on, who's a great chum of mine, cos he takes all

the flack now. "Go and see Colin. He'll have a chat."

We're now in the middle of the Pacific

and today, we're due to cross the Equator.

They have the crossing of the line ceremony and passengers love it.

The tradition is to appease Neptune, the God of the Sea.

Neptune will now face the wrongdoers of this vessel.

Fishes must be kissed...

..and the trusty shellbacks introduce

the slimy polliwogs to the mysteries of the deep.

Fine dining and free food can have their downsides.

There's a lot of cream in this,

so this is fattening.

It looks very nice.

See, I could put two or three pounds on by tomorrow.

Then I'll have to work it off.

Since I've started cruising,

I've learnt you don't bring one-size clothing.

You need to vary it because of the amount of food that you may consume.

These trousers are a 38. I set off with these, but now,

because they're 38, they don't fit, so they can go over there.

These are a 40. I can... I can just get into these,

just get into these now, but I feel now that if another...

another couple of weeks, three weeks, and these'll be no good.

Now I'm getting desperate. 42!

This is the last pair of trousers I've got,

and this is what cruising's all about.

You come on the ship as a passenger, and you go off as cargo!

Balmoral has now arrived at the tropical island of Tahiti.

Time to reflect on how the ship's company are coping with the trials

and tribulations of the long days at sea.

People love clubs.

People love to belong to little clubs, whatever it is.

I see them sitting round the ship, learning their lines together

or talking together, and they immediately become a little club.

So we're a different kind of club, really.

This way? Don't back me into the water.

Forward, forward.

Yes. I'm not going back any further.

I have a problem there because my service is

being in the Neptune Lounge, which is large, and typical Anglicans

will sit at the back or they won't all sit up the front. I try

to get them to do that but then when I did the Holy Communion, we sat

round in a ring, and that starts to build up a sense of belonging.

Yes, I mean, what... When they do things like mine

or the choir, they're quite intensive and quite demanding, and I think

that's quite good because they... It takes their mind off stuff.

Oh, the ginger flowers again.

I mean, I've had two people come up to me, saying,

"I'm so glad I'm doing the play. I've forgotten what's at home."

But I have to steer clear of lots of subjects. The very subjects

that you don't steer clear of I have to. I mean, I can't...

I don't want to talk about anybody dying or anybody being ill.

I did that, too, which is why it's great having you onboard.

"Go and talk to Colin. Just go and talk to Colin. Don't talk to me!

"No sympathy whatsoever here, dear. Drama queen!

"Go and talk to the nice man."

But that's very important on a ship. Very important.

Yeah, yeah.

The Husseys are meeting Colin to prepare for their wedding vows.

Right, well, first of all, then,

I'd like to mention the family, as I said just now, in...

in the prayers so...

You've got two children?

It's quite a nice reminder of the... their wedding day, and particularly,

Gail and Ian have brought wedding photographs and family photographs.

And this is our present family. These are our current children.

Oh.

They're Norwegian Buhunds,

and as soon as I get home, I'm off to judge them at Crufts,

which is like getting the OBE, to be invited to judge at Crufts.

Oh, very special.

It is, it is.

Most of our life gets taken up with dogs.

I'm known as the local dog lady because people come to me

for advice, which I don't mind at all as long as they don't

call me the local bitch!

There we are. There's Liz and Chris, and we have three grandcats.

When we knew that the Reverend Colin was going to be onboard,

I said to Ian, "Shall we see if we can renew our vows?"

He actually jumped at it. He jumped at the idea, which surprised me.

I want to thank you for being such a pain in the butt.

HE LAUGHS

That's not actually what I shall say at the time.

I have one word for the reason why we're still together - apathy.

We have friends who...they've had the same conversation,

but their reply had been inertia.

BOTH: Through Jesus Christ our Lord, amen.

And can... can I just add something on that?

At the end of that, which it seems appropriate,

and that whoever is left follows quickly because we're both old.

It's St Valentine's day today

so I've designed a special service for that.

I hope people will enjoy it and, of course, it's got the theme of love.

Hello, Carol.

Good morning, Colin.

I don't normally go to the services, but Colin has asked me

to read The Owl And The Pussycat by Edward Lear

because it's Valentine's Day and it's about love.

# Love

# Love changes everything

# Days are longer... #

The Owl and the Pussycat went to sea

In a beautiful pea green boat,

They took some money, and plenty of honey,

Wrapped up in a five pound note.

'Quite a lot of the people who work on the ship get

'roped in to the services, like the choir lady and myself, the drama,'

and it's quite nice to all join in with each other's things.

I mean, Colin will come to the rehearsal sometimes,

so it's, um...it's nice. It makes it a community. It's good.

The first official St Valentine's Day was

declared on the 14th February by Pope Gelasius in 496,

in memory of a 3rd century martyred priest in Rome.

ANNOUNCEMENT BELL

'Code Alpha, Code Alpha. Deck three...'

The "Code Alpha, Code Alpha, Code Alpha"

is a call for the medics to go to a particular place.

What in fact happened was that a man

and his wife were on their way to breakfast, and the husband

was leading the way, and then looked round and his wife had collapsed.

The wife was taken in to the medical centre and the two doctors and three

nurses all worked on the lady for two hours but without any success.

Doctor Tom More dealt with the emergency.

Unfortunately, it sometimes happens that somebody does die onboard

and we must cope with it, you know. We have the facilities,

and we will do our best to keep them alive.

But, you know, if it happens in the middle of the Pacific, then

we have to cope with it, both the person who's dying

and then dies, and then we have to cope with the person who is

bereaved, and it's a very important part of the work.

To counsel someone who's bereaved is perhaps one of the most

difficult, simply because there's very little that you can

actually physically do to help them.

Sometimes, you can put an arm round a person,

but most of the time, it's really just trying to talk it through,

and really, give a message of hope.

Carol has only a couple of days before curtain up on her corporate satire.

Today is our last chance. What I'd love to do

is go straight through it and not stop for anything.

Right, OK, let's go for it. Let's go from scene one - action.

'Today was the first time they did a run,

'and I tried not to stop it because I wanted to see what happened

'if I said nothing. Because on the day, I'll be backstage.'

Sue's on by now. You're on by now, love.

-I've got an e-mail!

-Ooh!

It says...

-No, I'm sorry.

-CAROL: It's OK.

-Mike shouted at me when I...

-Sorry?

-..you know.

-What?

Gail and Martha are both aware that that scene went "whoop" today,

it really hit the dirt.

'I have to pull that one back up, for their sake.'

Just keep on going. If you stumble, if you fall, you've got to,

at this stage, improvise your way out of it.

It only takes two of them to really blow it,

and the play goes down the pan.

This is an all-inclusive cruise,

except for excursions... and drinks.

So some of the passengers have set up their own speakeasy,

and Colin can't resist.

-Come on in, Colin.

-Come in, Colin!

'The main thing about this is for them not to drink too much.

'Plenty of mixers, plenty of mixers.'

-DIRECTOR:

-Why don't you want them to drink too much?

It's got to last. HE LAUGHS

I was 16 when I went on my first ship.

I had a holiday in Norway. I was a boy scout, and we went

from Newcastle, on the Bergen Line, to Stavanger and Bergen.

It was a great experience, and that set me off.

-Well, cheers, everyone.

-Cheers, everybody.

-Cheers. Cheers, cheers, cheers.

-To new friends we've all met.

IAN: And a lovely table.

At our age now, there's a thing called SKI-ing, we're SKI-ing -

we're "Spending the Kids' Inheritance".

SLURS SPEECH: Joking apart, they realise it's our time.

I hope I didn't slur there, cos this-this...

this brandy seems to be working now! THEY LAUGH

Our daughter brought us down to Southampton.

-We got off out the car and she broke down.

-Really?

I've never seen her break down like she did

cos we was going away for seven weeks.

You give your kids what you can give your kids,

now your kids want to say "Thank you, go away and enjoy it."

And we've met so many friends by these get-togethers.

Of course, once you do that, they reciprocate

and they invite you back to their place.

Are you listening, Dave? THEY LAUGH

My hearing aid is switched off! I never heard a word, then.

You know what it's like...

The cruise has clocked up 16,000 miles as Balmoral

makes landfall in New Zealand.

Colin's escorting a busy tour with four hours' driving

and several stop offs.

They need a top guide, and they've got one in coach driver, Norm.

In the Rotorua area, there's a lot of activity going on

such as four-wheel driving, bungee jumping. Anyone want to have a go?

You've all gone very quiet!

'After five days at sea, everyone's delighted just to

'have their feet on soil again.'

Bird's Nest Crater.

Wai-O-Tapu, which is a thermal wonderland,

and it's got lots of sulphur lakes and hot springs, and hot mud.

It's an interesting place,

but I wouldn't like to stay here long, would you? With this smell.

And it reminds me of when I was at school in the chemistry lab.

There was always a horrible smell of sulphur permeating the corridors.

-Thanks, Norman.

-No problem.

Next stop is lunch on a paddle steamer, with a haka thrown in.

THEY CHANT THE HAKA

APPLAUSE

Finally, a whistle-stop visit to a wildlife park.

'One marvels at the diversity,

'and it's the most amazing thing when you travel around the world

'to see so many different animals in their natural habitat.'

And that just leaves an hour before the ship departs.

But they come to a grinding halt.

There's been a crash on the highway.

NORM: Now if this car was to move up in front...

-Uh-oh, no, he's turning him around.

-That's what we said.

They need to find another route, and there's a complication.

-I don't know that way. OTHER DRIVER:

-Go through...

-Past Kiwifruit?

-The next one past that.

Kiwifruit 360?

Oh, yeah. Thanks, Norm. OK.

We're heading back in the opposite direction.

We've been told there's approximately a three-hour delay,

the ship's due to sail at six o'clock, so we've got 40 minutes.

So close, yet so far.

We're very late now,

and actually, we should've been back at this moment.

Whilst Norm battles down the back roads,

on Balmoral, they're getting making final preparations for departure.

If they miss it, their only option will be to drive through

the night to the next stop.

Hey, listen, if we have to go to Auckland,

I can stop in at my place on the way home and we'll have dinner there. EXCITED CHATTER

I'm sure my wife would be absolutely rapt to see all of you come in.

-Thank you very much.

-Thanks for your divine intervention there.

Thank you very much.

After a wonderful day and a bit of a mystery tour,

with Colin's intervention, we'd certainly make it. No problem.

We can sail now.

All of us are accounted for.

One drama over, but there's plenty more to come.

It's been a bit hectic in the last 24 hours,

because the last run we did was... Well, it was dreadful.

And this morning I threw all the rewrites at them, in a gentle

sort of way, and they accepted them entirely and they've gone with it.

'But I shan't know until we actually do it if it's worked.'

APPLAUSE Hello, everybody, and thank you for coming.

There's no going back as Carol's company of first-timers

settle their nerves before the big performance.

The Balmoral Players present, 'The Awayday'.

Group hug, group hug.

Oh, Major, it's time you got in touch with your feminine side!

'It's incredibly difficult.'

First of all, you've got people who are not used to being on the stage.

'The stage is ever so hot and uncomfortable.'

There you are! I've been looking for you everywhere.

They don't have many props and they don't have any scenery,

so it's very difficult to enter into this situation.

I'm looking for Mavis, the girl who works down at the canteen.

Half the time, I'm not sure how it's going down at all.

I'm hiding backstage during the play, obviously,

just throwing them on and dragging them off and telling them

they look wonderful, darling. And all that nonsense!

Carol works so hard,

and she's so tactful, really, when she's telling us that we're rubbish.

With husband Ian looking on,

and Carol on tenterhooks,

the pressure is all on Gail.

And that Reverend Colin's got the most beautiful voice.

He could talk me into a nunnery!

LAUGHTER

SHE MOUTHS

Right, come on, let's get on with some work here.

Can you think what rhymes with...

Venus?

LAUGHTER

'What's important about doing this on the ship is that the

'passengers have a very good time, they have great fun

'in the improvisations, and if we get a lovely play at the end'

of it which everybody can enjoy, that's the icing on the cake.

Raaargh!

RAAARGH!

LAUGHTER

Here he comes.

Those lions were way too rough.

Oh, it was a real bit of fun.

They were very inventive, and I thought they did extremely well.

APPLAUSE

The Husseys' big day has arrived.

Just time for Gale to renovate herself.

He's probably more nervous than he shows.

I'm a little bit nervous, to be frank, erm...

because I haven't got any written script.

It's really surprised me because I thought he'd get himself in a state.

I'm going to have to do this again.

'We've had a very difficult life, because of my illness, and...'

I gave Gale a hell of a time.

It's a miracle that she's still with me. It really is.

He couldn't accept that he was ill, being a rugger player

and having been really fit and sporty...

'which gave him all sorts of psychological problems.

'But there we are.

'It's all done and dusted now.'

And now he doesn't have to work, we get on fine.

Mentally I was not on any, erm,

normal planet, really,

I suppose is the only way you can put it.

You've done a grand job, thank you very much indeed.

-You look fabulous, madam.

-Thank you.

Now that we have come out of this dark, dark, dark, dark tunnel,

we're now in the light with the rest of you.

So, whoopee!

Oh, that'll do, that'll do.

Blimey, I'm getting fat.

Hello, Gale.

Good to see you. You're looking very special.

'People renew their marriage vows for all sorts of reasons,

'particularly at anniversaries,

'especially the 50th anniversary of a marriage.

'It is a time to take stock...'

and to have the opportunity of thanking each other

for seeing each other through some pretty tough times

'as well as some very happy ones.'

But love is the fulfilling of the Lord...

'I think the service we had was very meaningful,

'particularly as the couple spoke to each other in a very personal way.'

I'm going to find it very difficult to express the depth of the love

and gratitude that I have, that you have stood by me through all

the trials and tribulations of our life together so far.

Bless you for that.

'Everyone present was very touched by...'

their sincerity and the depth of feeling that was expressed.

-BOTH:

-'Our love for one another...'

unite our wills in your will,

that we may grow together in love and peace,

all the days of our life,

and whoever is left follows quickly thereafter.

I am sure that from now on in, things can only get better.

They're certainly much calmer than they have been!

But things are good now.

And bless you for bringing up those two lovely children,

almost entirely single-handed. You did a brilliant job,

and thank you ever so much.

APPLAUSE

'It's wonderful to have done it,

'and the Reverend Colin has done a wonderful job.'

And now, please, can we have some lunch?

Over the years we've had all sorts of trials and upsets

and this has been the woman who's been beside me

all the way through, picking me up when I fell down...

And pushing him down sometimes!

These are all the things I wanted to say during the, er...

-Renewal.

-..renewal of our vows,

but I didn't.

I got myself so tongue-tied

and so worried that I was going to forget what it was I was going to say

in the first place that I never said a single dickey bird.

Oh, you did.

Well, all right, I did. I said one thing.

Next time, Colin is on a mission...

-I've been to many seaman's missions.

-So you usually go to it?

-Yeah.

..and Balmoral plays host to a modern-day Romeo and Juliet.

'Our eyes met...'

that was it.

From that moment, my fate was sealed.

SHE LAUGHS

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd