The Airport of Smiles Bangkok Airport

'Clear for landing.'

Bangkok Airport is like no other airport on Earth.

Welcome to Thailand!

This is my best smile.

It's where East meets West....

Chin, chin, chin. Chin, chin, chin.

..Buddhist meets backpacker...

That way to the beach.

..and traveller meets trouble.

You'll never see me in Thailand again.

No, no!

Yes!

And if the culture seems strange...

Free hugs?

-..the language seems foreign...

-SHE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

..and you're 6,000 miles from home...

I'm stuck in Bangkok.

..don't panic.

There's an army of airport staff just waiting to help you out.

-One way...

-How may I help you?

..or another.

Get in the line.

So whether it's your gateway

to a million once-in-a-lifetime experiences...

It's all about love, love, love and love.

..or just the ticket to a good old-fashioned holiday nightmare...

Look at all the cancelled flights!

..this is your final call.

Really happy, everyone.

-Welcome...

-Passport please.

-..to Bangkok Airport.

This programme contains some strong language

# This is how we do, yeah, chillin' laid back, straight stuntin'... #

Today, we go behind the scenes of the world's smiliest airport.

We meet the Far East's happiest immigration officer.

I love my job.

And the laughing doctor who has his patients in stitches.

But not everyone is smiling.

They're not really taking care of me, in a nutshell.

Melody's lost her passport,

and Matt can't get back to Rotherham.

Well, I'm here for ever, then, aren't I?

John's around-Asia trip hits the skids.

Oh, shit!

I had it wrapped around my head

because I didn't know how bad the cut was.

And will Paul make it to the gate

after a big night out in Departures?

Cheers.

It's just another day at the Airport of Smiles,

and no-one smiles more than Jack.

My name is Captain Jack...

You can call me Jack.

Yeah, Captain Jack.

'I love my job, you know?'

I love my... I love my job.

I love to be immigration.

Chin, chin, chin. Chin, chin, chin.

I issue the visa on arrival.

One passenger, I have to stamp it three times.

Then I have to count...

Chin, chin, chin, chin, chin, chin.

..from this classic numbering machine.

I love this machine.

It just sounds so good. IT CRUNCHES

See?

And then I issue the visa from stamping.

This is the visa.

Done, OK?

It makes my day.

I don't know, I just love it.

Yes!

After clearing Immigration, the adventure begins.

The airport handles 50 million passengers a year

and Bangkok's a top long-haul destination

for young British travellers.

-ALL:

-Hi, we're on a gap year.

Beach, culture and partying, we're doing all three.

For some, it's a voyage of self-discovery.

-I'm soul-searching because I really want to find who I am.

-He wants to find himself.

But for beauticians Alicia and Georgia,

it isn't.

I came to Thailand

because my dad was paying for it.

So, it was a free holiday!

But now they're here, they're going to make the most of it.

Top five things I want to do is get a massage,

-get a tan...

-Erm...

What else?

She wants to see a ladyboy!

It's really hot when you get outside, you can't breathe.

Yeah, we wore tights on the plane

so that we could just take them off as soon as we got off.

-You lie, you said easy access!

-Oh, shut up!

That as well. Two birds, one stone.

What does that mean?

You're hitting two birds with one stone.

-Doing two things in one...

-Oh, OK.

-..shot.

OK.

Alicia and Georgia will spend the first half of their hols

with Alicia's dad Andy and his partner Chan.

The second half they're on their own,

including a trip to the Full Moon Party.

I think they should go and experience

but I've told them to be very, very careful.

Yes, I'm a bit worried about them.

I'm quite worried when they have, like, drink and drugs and that.

-Shall we just go and get pissed?

-Probably.

We can't get too drunk.

No, we've got to get up in the morning.

We've got to get up in the morning!

We've got to go to the gym in the morning, don't we?

Get a beach bod!

We'll go to the gym every day in the hotel.

When we leave her old man,

we're going to be nicking lads, so we've got to get beach bods!

Oh, don't get my cellulite!

With Dad footing the bill,

the first half of the trip should be a doddle.

But will they still be smiling when they go it alone?

If you're ever in bother at Bangkok Airport,

your best bet is to head for tourist police HQ.

This 90-strong squad of officers

are dedicated to helping travellers in trouble

and doing it with a smile.

Sergeants Bopit and Jang

patrol one of the biggest airport terminals in the world.

At six million square feet, it's some beat,

but they've got it covered on their brand-new Segways.

I...I am the best Segway rider!

Everybody can do it.

On their super Segways,

the tourist police are ready for any emergency,

from taxi touts to threatening behaviour

to lost property.

Lots of lost property.

-Camera.

-Yeah, lots of camera.

-Passport.

-A lot of passports.

-Husband.

-Mm-hm.

-Husbands, friends.

-Friends.

-More, do you have more?

-Uh...money.

Money! Well, money is number one.

-Yes, and some can't learn hotel.

-Yeah.

-Lost the way, you know?

-Lost the way to their hotel!

-They cannot reme...

-Forget the name of the hotel!

Back at the office, the first loser of the day is Matt from Rotherham.

I did not have flight... I had e-ticket.

But I just got...

He's desperate to get home after his wallet,

containing credit cards and cash, was stolen.

It's a tough one but Sergeant Jang is on the case.

Can help him for sending back. But how?

I try to think of that.

You know, don't worry because tourist police,

we are Superman!

My daughter's in hospital.

Well, she had an accident. I need to get home. I don't...

My flight isn't for two weeks

so I've come to change today

and there's no ticket. I've lost my bank card...

I just can't get home.

Matt's return ticket is non-transferable

and with no money,

he wants to buy a ticket online

using his girlfriend's card number back home.

-My girlfriend has sent me t'number on her card.

-Mm-hm.

-If I can get flight, I can just type in and go.

-Ah, yes.

-So I try on internet.

-Yeah, yeah.

And now, are you hungry?

-I don't know what I am.

-Oh, OK.

-No, I've got...

-Some coffee?

-I need a drink - water.

-Drink?

-Water?

-Water.

What airport is this?

Manchester tomorrow, that'll do.

Matt checks his flight options

but just as he's about to buy his ticket,

Sergeant Jang spots a problem.

Some airline, in Thailand, some airline,

if you buy a ticket by credit card,

you must show this card.

-Do you not have card, right?

-No, I have not got card.

This card is at home. What do I need to do now?

Your girlfriend buy ticket for you

and then send this ticket to your e-mail.

THEY SPEAK OVER EACH OTHER

Angela, you're going to have to book me a ticket.

Right? I've just...

Angela, I've got one up here on t'internet but I can't pay for it.

You've got to...

You've got to buy it and then e-mail,

when it comes through, the document,

you're going to have to e-mail that document then, to here.

Departure? Tomorrow. Qatar Airways.

Yes, it's from Bangkok. That's right, Angela.

Book it me.

Angela, I can't.

Because if I could book it, I'd need the card to show them.

This is strange.

She's doing exactly the same what I can do here.

But I can book this now.

But they're saying I can't have it.

It's just the same. She's going to do exactly the same.

Whatever they e-mail me here, I've got it here.

I just don't... I do not understand.

What's the difference?

I could buy that now and print it off, the e-ticket.

-"Matthew goes tomorrow."

-OK...

-INTERPRETER RELAYS WHAT HE SAYS

Three hours in, Matt's no nearer to flying out.

This could be a long haul.

Two floors down from Police HQ

is the airport's state-of-the-art medical centre.

Doctors here treat more than 30,000 patients a year.

-But they still find time for a laugh.

-Oh, sorry!

And no-one likes a laugh more than Dr Art.

No, I'm just kidding!

Except his best pal Dr Jack.

HE GIGGLES

Oh, Dr Jack?

He's the most funniest guy ever.

And when he comes in, he always comes with a loud laugh.

'Even when he is in the toilet, from the outside,

'we can hear his laugh.'

Today, Jack's put a smile on everyone's face.

He's just back from London with presents for the team.

THEY SQUEAL

'Most of the Thai girls love shopping.

'So four of the nurses make an order with me.'

-The Toblerone from London.

-Ooh!

But Dr Jack wasn't on holiday in London,

he actually flew there at the controls of his jumbo.

-Thank you, Jack.

-His other job's a pilot.

I dreamed to be a pilot since I was a young boy,

but when I graduated as a physician,

I tried to follow my dream, to be a pilot.

But multi-talented Dr Jack pops into the clinic

when the staff are pushed.

Today he's helping John, who has been in the wars.

That's my T-shirt after the crash.

I had it wrapped around my head

because I didn't know how bad the cut was.

And he was actually cut...

He was passed out so I thought he was dead.

John and his mate Chris were on a round-Asia trip

until the wheels came off.

Yesterday I was in Laos,

trying to get to the airport for a connecting flight to here

and unfortunately we had a road crash,

ended up in a ditch in the jungle.

It was a freak accident, basically.

I don't know if it was the car's fault or the weather

or a little bit of our fault.

But basically as we tried to turn the corner,

the car didn't respond quite as it should.

It just so happened that I happened to turn the camera on

at the time, you know, a second before it happened. So...

Hang on. This is pretty traumatic,

just me screaming my head off most of the time.

Chrissy, hard round, hard round.

Oh, shit! Oh, shit!

Oh, fuck.

Last thing I remember is just going down the ditch but I passed out.

I passed out, I was out.

Chrissy! Chrissy!

Chrissy, wake the fuck up, Chrissy!

Chrissy, wake the fuck up.

CAR HORN TOOTS Chrissy! Wake up, man.

Chrissy, WAKE UP!

I was just tired. I just wanted to get my head down.

So that was scary, I thought I'd lost my best mate

and then there was blood everywhere with me so...

But, look, there was people all around that came and helped us straightaway.

As soon as he woke up I knew we'd be fine.

Great holiday snaps.

Very good for the album.

Although I'm not Facebooking that one.

John's problems aren't over.

Dr Jack has to decide if he's well enough to board his plane.

Without a "fit to fly" certificate, his journey ends here.

So you've confirmed that

when you had the accident you didn't lose conscious, right?

No, definitely not, definitely not. I saw the whole thing, unfortunately.

-OK, good. Do you feel nausea?

-No, not at all, no.

-Any blurred vision?

-No, no.

-Great.

It's the first time John's had a good look at his wound.

I just hope the girls like scars. It makes a guy more attractive, right?

Selfie over, Dr Jack begins his examination.

'I just observed his movement and his pupil reaction with the light.'

OK, follow the light, please?

I think that all of his neurological signs are perfectly normal

so I think it's just... only the wounds.

Would you mind if I prescribed you antibiotics?

-Because right now I think you will need it.

-OK.

-Is that going to affect my flight?

-Pardon?

Is that going to affect me getting on this next flight?

-No, no, I think that you can catch your flight.

-Great.

-No problem.

It's a result, though Jack says John's had a narrow escape.

In the case of John, I think his accident is

not serious at all, by my experience,

because I used to have the case who lost his arm or maybe decapitated.

With the all clear and a new dressing,

John and Chris can make their way to check-in.

-Thank you very much.

-Thank you.

-Thank God for that.

-Fit to fly.

-Fit to fly, get in!

This business doing its hardest to try and, like, ruin things for us

but we're just not going to give in.

There are better times ahead, we know that, for sure.

But once again fate takes a hand.

I don't think I got my passport back off them.

I handed it in at the desk at the hospital there.

-Did they give it back to you?

-No.

Here we go again!

With John convinced he's left his passport at the medical centre,

airline staff race over to see if they can retrieve it in time,

or has that knock to the head affected his memory?

The agent at the medical centre has confirmed that they returned

the passport to you already. Did you find it yet?

They didn't give it back to me, no.

Could you please have a look again?

Sorry! I had it, I had it.

It was mixed in with all my bloody clothes.

Passport in hand, John and Chris are free

to continue their Far East adventure.

Bangkok Airport serves more than just Bangkok,

it's the gateway to Thailand's holiday islands.

Alicia and Georgia have been sampling the delights of Koh Samui.

So far, they've done it in style thanks to Alicia's dad Andy

and his partner Chan,

but they're flying out today and the girls will be on their own.

So far on the holiday, they have done absolutely nothing for themselves.

Chan's organised virtually everything.

So we've decided from now on they've got to organise it all themselves.

-But we had to force them into booking their accommodation.

-Yes.

They haven't even booked their boat yet to go to the Full Moon Party

so we're going to have to tell them to do that

otherwise that's not going to happen.

Now they're down to reality,

I don't know how they're going to get on once we've gone back.

They've been staying in the same accommodation we have but they're

now having to do the backpacker's bit with the one-stars and the hostels.

So, now it's the moment of truth

as Dad and Chan say goodbye to the girls.

Good luck, then. Well, you'd better be careful.

-I don't want to get a phone call.

-Off who? The police?

I'm not a kid any more. I'm 24.

-Bye, love you.

-Right, bye.

-You're sweaty.

-See you later.

-See you. Bye. Love you.

-Bye!

So, it's goodbye to the good life.

From now on, the friends will be roughing it.

They've already had to move into more modest accommodation.

'We've not got room service.'

We need the room service.

I can't do my back.

I don't know. They don't really have toilet paper up here but in the bars

and that, people just...

squirt themselves and then be done with it.

-I couldn't do it, to be honest.

-You just have to squat...

-Into the hole.

..then you get this bowl.

It's just like a big bucket full of water with a little pot in it

-and they just...

-Obviously, you've got to splash it.

-..scoop it.

Just go like that.

I don't know, but we didn't do it. We had to go and get a tissue.

We couldn't...couldn't do it.

-I think it's good to do things like this.

-Yeah.

-Gives you a kick up the arse, doesn't it?

-I'm not scared.

I think I'm quite sensible.

THEY LAUGH

-Am I not?

-Say that again.

-Am I not?

The first task is to book a boat to the Full Moon Party

on the nearby island of Ko Pha Ngan.

Hello.

Do you know the speedboat for Full Moon Party? Speedboat.

-Speedboat.

-Full Moon Party.

-I have...

-High-speed boat, yeah. That's it.

-Yes.

High-speed boat.

That's not right.

It starts from one and goes all the way through to seven.

So you get picked up and you have to wait an hour. That's not right.

-That is right. You're just a div.

-No, I'm not booking nothing.

I'm not paying for a speedboat.

I want to get there in speedy time,

not fucking sit on the boat an hour and wait.

Five-star restaurants are now a thing of the past.

We didn't come to places like this when we were with my dad and Chan.

Don't really know about what money I've got cos

I don't even check my account, I just draw it out.

It's not going to last for ever, is it?

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

They've discovered a knack to eating cheaply.

Thank you. Sorry, we can't tip you.

It's not just food and accommodation.

Every bus and boat will have to be paid for.

OK, so how much is it altogether?

Thank you.

Now they're on a budget,

Alicia and Georgia will have to watch what they spend.

But what DID they spend?

-How much is that anyway?

-2,400.

-What's eight plus eight? 18?

It's 58. Eight plus...

-What's eight plus eight?

-It's 2,400. It weren't 2,800.

Eight plus eight is... Eight plus eight is 19.

-6.

-16. So that's...

Eight plus... Wait, how much was it?

They're smiling now but they'll have to improve their maths

if they're to survive the holiday without the bank of Dad.

-I cannot afford more.

-OK, OK.

-I have no money.

Back at the Airport of Smiles, Matt's still stranded.

His wallet's been stolen and now he's losing his sense of humour.

That is... That is cheap. That's what I can afford.

Sergeant Jang has told him

he can't use his girlfriend's card details to book the flight.

Some airlines, if you buy tickets by credit card,

before you have flight,

when you check in, you must show this card, too.

So he's calling his mum to see

if he can get some cash through his travel insurance.

All right. Ta-ra, ta-ra, ta-ra, Mum.

But phoning Rotherham on your mobile doesn't come cheap.

I use telephone?

-We have some card. You want to... make overseas, right?

-No.

I don't know. I've got to ring that number.

That number... That number, they've told my girlfriend...

That number, I ring that, it says they will definitely help me

and they'll bring me money to the airport.

I don't think that's working.

Wrong number. Wrong number.

I have to go back.

You'll never see me in Thailand ever again.

Ever.

Back at the tourist police, Matt bites the bullet

and calls Mum on his mobile.

It doesn't connect to anything.

Well, it's a massive number as it is.

I'm thinking it's what, one, two, three, four, five, six,

seven, eight, nine,

10, 11, 12...? It's 14 numbers long.

Right. All right. All right, Mum, I'll try it again.

I'll try it again. All right, Mum. Yeah. Ta-ra.

Finally, Matt gets through to the insurers.

It's a flex account travel cover upgrade. Worldwide cover.

Yeah, it's an emergency. International emergency.

So, that is meaning you can get money?

I need... I need to fax this.

What do you want to do?

-Sir, can you take a photo and send by...?

-By scan?

-Because we...

-We no have.

-Can you send by e-mail?

You just make things complicated.

They need that document to prove that I've been robbed

and then they might send me... might give me money.

You can't just buy a ticket and show them your passport

and get on a plane. Why can't they pull strings and make one exception?

Why can't they just go to the airline and say,

"Look, he's here, just let him show that ticket, passport,

"and get him on"? Why can't they just do that?

Unbelievable.

So, if I don't do that, I'm just here for ever, am I?

I just waste away?

With no solution in sight,

Matt's in danger of forgetting the airport's golden rule.

Smile!

Not only does Bangkok call itself the Airport of Smiles,

it prides itself on its helpful and friendly staff.

As Matt's discovered, from dawn to dusk, they're here to help.

Take Officer Nook from airport security.

I love working at the airport. I love passengers from every country.

But beware, when she's checking you in, she's really checking you out.

I come to work at the airport because I need to find

boyfriend from Europe.

I love people from England.

Yes, I find them every day but I don't know why they don't like me.

Maybe because I am a funny girl.

While Officer Nook wishes passengers a pleasant flight,

Captain Jack welcomes them to Thailand with a smile.

People visiting Thailand, like, they know the rule.

They know the rule. Most of them, when I smile, they will smile back.

Yes.

Can I ask you, how do you like Thailand?

This way.

Did he say welcome to Thailand?

See? I missed that. See?

-How do you like Thailand?

-Huh? Pardon?

-How do you like Thailand?

-Thailand? Very much.

-Which way?

-Here. This way.

Welcome to Thailand, by the way.

-Why you come to Thailand?

-Sorry?

-Why you come to Thailand?

-For honeymoon.

-Honeymoon? Oh, my gosh. Congratulations.

-Thanks.

Captain Jack is especially happy to welcome this visitor to Thailand.

-So, you have a good trip.

-Hope so.

-Yeah.

-Thank you.

He's just got hitched himself and he's still basking in the afterglow.

We are happy and we make the music video

and I share it to the cyber world.

MUSIC: Birthday by Katy Perry

# I heard you're feeling nothing's going right

# Why don't you let me... #

Is it fun?

# ..The clock is ticking Running out of time

# So we should party all night

# So cover your eyes. #

Me.

My wife.

Me and my wife.

My wife.

Me.

My wife.

Me.

Me and my wife.

Back at tourist police HQ, Melody's just stepped off a connecting

flight from Phuket, and her passport's not with her.

It's another case for Bopit to look into.

On the plane, where did you keep your passport?

I can't remember.

-You cannot remember?

-No.

But both of these bags, both of these bags here was in the...

What is that called?

-You know, above the heads.

-I know. I know.

-Yeah?

After you get on the plane, did you take it out from the cabin?

-Can you remember?

-No, I didn't. I didn't take it out.

-Oh.

-No.

Lost passports are an everyday problem at Bangkok Airport.

Melody thinks hers fell out of her little bag

when she was putting it in her big bag.

It's heavy, it's a beach bag and it doesn't shut.

I should have...

I've only had one bit of hand luggage, but where I was

so over in my normal luggage, they told me to take out seven kilos.

So that's when I got this bag out to put everything in.

-She lost passport, camera...

-Wallet.

-..wallet, sunglasses.

Everything inside.

Gucci bag.

My name is Miss Melody, with a Y. Melody...

Without a passport, Melody can't leave Thailand,

never mind catching a flight. She calls the British Embassy for help.

I need to do an emergency travel document.

But you only can do that in the morning not the afternoon.

I'm thinking, am I going to be stuck here? Do you know what I mean?

Like, how long for? I've got no way of getting home.

No passport, no transport, I've got no other ID on me. So, yeah.

Really, really stressful.

You need a stiff drink after this. Definitely.

The staff take a moment to discuss her case

when Melody steps out for some fresh air.

But Melody's not happy with the way the police are handling her case.

They're not really taking care of me, in a nutshell.

There's no sympathisation here... at all.

And I felt a little bit interrogated.

With the embassy due to close for the day,

Melody doesn't want to risk the trip into Bangkok.

I don't want to get there and it's going to be shut.

Like, that would just be the worst.

That would, like, tip me off the iceberg.

It really would. Cos I'm so stressed out right now, like...

It's very stressful.

It's starting to look like another night in Bangkok.

You know, I was so looking forward to getting home and now I can't.

I suppose I can top up on my tan, though, can't I?

Back at the airport's medical centre, Jack the flying doctor

is busy taking orders for his next trip to England.

The nurse who works here earns just only £20 for one day.

As a pilot, you can shopping in any place you fly.

OK.

So I try to make everyone happy when they work with me.

OK, so we finish getting many orders from my nurse.

Emergency, yes.

HE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

OK.

One patient get faint at...

gate delta one alpha, so I have to be there.

The presents will have to wait.

A passenger has collapsed at one of the gates

with a suspected heart attack.

As a pilot, Jack takes the short cut across the tarmac.

OK, sir, let me hold this for you.

THEY SPEAK OWN LANGUAGE

The patient is an Italian tourist

taken ill as he boarded the plane home.

He literally just collapsed.

OK. So just collapsed.

-OK.

-He's 74 years old.

-OK.

Antibiotics. Bronchitis, hypertension.

-OK, so that's all you have, right?

-Yes.

The patient's pulse is faint, so Dr Jack administers oxygen.

PATIENT GROANS

OK, sir. OK, sir. Let me help.

OK, let's move.

When the patient starts responding, he's stretchered out of Departures.

There's an ambulance waiting to take him to hospital in Bangkok.

Two hours later, Jack's back.

I'm exhausted.

He's confident the patient will make a full recovery.

When he arrived at the hospital, he gained full conscious,

but he still is confused.

And he's pleased with the way his staff responded to the emergency.

The team, I have to say, the team took care of him complete.

My team is fantastic today.

-It's another happy ending.

-Thanks.

But he knows his next shopping trip is really going to cost him.

On the island of Koh Phangan,

British holiday-makers Alicia and Georgia have joined the crowds

at the Full Moon Party.

This techno-fuelled dusk-to-dawn rave on a beach

has become a rite of passage for thousands of young Brits.

With its Day-Glo face paint, vodka buckets and magic milkshakes,

it's a good place to find yourself - or just get lost.

Eight out of ten times we're going to lose each other tonight.

That's why we're holding hands.

But losing each other could be the least of their worries.

Fucking lethal, ain't they?

We watched some documentary on Thailand and it was saying

all the dodgy stuff that happens

and we thought, "Right, we'd better not go!"

And we actually was not going to come, but then we thought,

"We'll go, we'll have a look,

"if it feels a bit dodgy, we'll just go home early."

But having come all this way, it would be a shame not to join in.

-What do you want to do?

-I'm running out of drink.

-Do you want to get another bucket?

-We're going to be on the floor.

-What do you want to do, then?

-Let's get another one.

THEY LAUGH

But even the drinks are a disappointment.

-That ain't vodka, is it?

-That is disgusting.

-That's not vodka.

-That is disgusting. Don't taste nothing like this.

Try that.

We don't want it. It's disgusting.

-Where's the money?

-I haven't paid her.

-You haven't paid her?

-We won't have it.

-Don't want it.

They'll just probably refill it round the back.

With petrol or something!

It's not just the vodka buckets that are a letdown.

It's like being in Magaluf with a load of university students

all bunged together in one.

It's not what it's cracked up to be at all.

WHOOPING

-To be honest with you, I thought it was absolutely shit.

-Yeah.

It was all right. But I wouldn't rave about it.

-London is the best thing...

-Shoreditch is better!

Yeah, Shoreditch is better than that. That fucking party.

So much for the Full Moon Party.

Oh, for fuck's sake!

And Alicia is not the only one feeling fed up tonight.

Back at the airport, Matt seems no nearer to getting home

after his long evening with the tourist police.

One, two, three, four, five, six...

About six hours.

Matt's insurers want to see proof he's had his wallet stolen.

This e-mail, there's something attached to it. It needs opening.

-Printing?

-Ah, I know.

I have to sign, scan, send back.

OK, OK. Just a moment.

Despite doubts from Sergeant Jang, Matt's convinced

he can buy a flight online using card details from the UK.

He calls the British Embassy for advice.

I know. I know, that's what I've told these...

The embassy man here's saying it's bloody stupid.

I don't need the card to get on the plane.

I'll try that, then. Thank you.

Thank you. Bye. Bye.

He said to me, British Embassy man,

if my girlfriend books me flight with my card, I need to show them.

She booked back home with her card, I don't need to show nothing.

Suddenly, Sergeant Jang has a thought.

-What kind of card?

-What kind of card?

-Yeah, that she buy the ticket?

-Is credit card, like?

-Credit card or debit card?

-Debit card.

-Oh, debit card is no problem.

-It's OK.

-It's OK.

Debit card is OK, not credit card.

It turns out while a credit card might have to be produced

on departure, a debit card doesn't.

-Well, this could have been sorted hours ago.

-Ah, sign.

-Right.

Things are finally on the move.

All Matt needs now is his girlfriend's debit card.

I need a debit card.

I need a debit card, you've got to find me one.

You'll have to ring your mates! I don't know.

I need, right... What you...

Not a credit card, debit card.

Well, I can't do it, then, can I?

Well, I'm here for ever, then, aren't I?

So long!

At 2.55am, Matt finally books his flight.

It's another triumph for the tourist police.

He get a flight, just, he will be going home.

Coming soon!

I don't know what I'm going to do for the next...

The Manchester plane is not leaving for quite a while.

..13 hours.

But once again, the tourist police can put a smile on his face.

I just want to be home.

-Sergeant Jang unrolls the official tourist police duvet.

-Clean.

And he can get his head down for one more night in Bangkok.

MUSIC: She Looks So Perfect by 5 Seconds of Summer

It's a brand-new day at the Airport of Smiles

and with so many different nationalities passing through,

it's one of the best places in the world to people-watch.

# She looks so perfect standing there

# In my American Apparel underwear

# And I know now

# That I'm so down... #

And no-one is better placed to do it than Officer Jibbydoo.

How may I help you?

From her vantage point at the information desk,

she can see you coming a mile off.

Head left, please, at the red line.

With their appearance, I can tell very easily if they are from India,

Dubai, yes...

..Pakistan, China, they have this specific look.

British? They have this elegant look, especially with business guys,

yeah, pride with themself,

they stand straight and with their strong accent.

You know, like, a bit snobby! A bit snobby.

But not everyone matches that snobby British stereotype.

In fact, some people make a point of smashing it to bits.

MUSIC: Dr Who by Tujamo & Plastik Funk

# Who are they? Who are they? Who are you? Who am I? #

It's me. It's Paul.

Paul is from Dundee but he lives out here in Thailand,

only leaving reluctantly when he's due back on the rigs.

I work in Norway. I do two weeks on, four weeks off,

so I spend my time over here, have my girlfriend over here

and just enjoy myself.

The thought of even going back to Dundee...

No. Love Thailand. Love it to bits.

Full of beautiful woman, sunshine,

you can't even compare the two, you know.

I've got a tie with a little Thai badge.

I've got the headband on

and of course, you've seen the mask.

Little bit of terrorism.

Just for the shock.

Thailand, one love.

Paul's done the sensible thing

and arrived at the airport in plenty of time.

In fact, he's got 14 hours to kill before he catches his plane.

My flight's at 2am, so I have to check in about 11pm tonight,

but that's fine by me. I'm happy. I don't mind. Just float about.

Couple of beers, couple of smokes, have a little lie down somewhere.

But passing time at any airport can be a drag,

even at the Airport of Smiles.

Chok de ka!

It means "cheers".

OK, I'm going to get another beer, if that's OK.

Are you sure you don't want one?

It's not just the passengers who get bored.

The staff too have to manage their downtime.

Sergeants Jang and Bopit take the opportunity to do a spot of PR work

for the tourist police.

Reverse...

Ow! Sorry, sorry!

You're welcome.

-OK. Bye.

-Where are you from?

-Israel.

-Italy? Have you been here before?

-Israel.

-Israel.

-Israel. Oh.

-I've been here once.

-OK.

If you need some help, call to my office. Yeah.

-Call it.

-Yeah.

-Call to this number.

-Thank you.

You can use for a bookmark, you know, when you're reading a book.

-You're welcome.

-Yeah. Bye.

-Bye.

But for Captain Jack,

there's nothing sadder than an empty immigration room.

This time is like...nobody. You can see nobody.

See? See? Nobody, nobody.

Nobody's here.

Thai people, we love our country and we like to have...

..everybody come visit,

so it's kind of sad situation that I got right now.

Captain Jack cheers himself up

-by uploading another one of his home videos.

-This is my channel.

This is my first performance in Immigration.

His star turn at the last Immigration party

has gone down in departmental history.

Do you know what you're talking with?

The superstar of Immigration Bureau.

Look, look. In the middle.

MUSIC: Gangnam Style by Psy

Look.

# O pan Gangnam style... #

The Commissioner of Immigration Bureau retired,

so we made a party to farewell him

and our division made the performance

to celebrate the retirement.

# Hey, sexy lady... #

I am in the middle. Still in the middle, look.

# Hey, sexy lady. #

And, now, Mr Commissioner,

he will call me up like, "Gangnam, Gangnam.

"Come here. Come here."

# Hey, sexy lady #

# Op, op, op, op

# Eh-eh-eh, eh-eh-eh. #

And I wonder, one day, he will remember my name?

SONG ENDS

No.

CROWD CHEERS

In downtown Bangkok, Melody's a step closer to getting home.

Yesterday, she told the British Embassy she'd lost her passport,

but today, a funny thing's happened.

So, I found my passport...

within another bit of hand luggage that I had...

that had a bit of a rip in it and it was underneath,

between a particular notebook that I use.

I take it out, because I like to write notes, etc,

and it was just floating in between.

After reporting her passport missing,

Melody wants to double-check it's still valid.

-We spoke on the phone yesterday. I found my passport.

-Oh, that's good.

-I found my passport.

-Glad to hear that.

So I just thought I'd come to the embassy, out of courtesy,

to see yourself.

Maybe so you can make sure that this is valid.

-All right.

-And not reported stolen, or lost.

It's not the first time something like this has happened to Melody.

I have got a track record of missing flights

and being late everywhere, etc,

but that's because I've got a busy schedule and I suppose

leave everything to the last minute.

Yeah, so...

I suppose it is a little bit of a typical me. I throw my hands up.

-Keeping it safe.

-Yeah.

You've got to laugh about it, ain't ya?

A very relieved Melody can go ahead and book her flight home.

Alicia and Georgia are also on their way back to Britain,

none the worse for their Full Moon Party experience.

One of these boys was, like, a proper weirdo

and he just come up behind me and started dancing behind me,

grabbing my hands and going like this...

And I was like, "What the fuck are you doing? Fuck off!"

And then we had to leave, because he was such a weirdo.

Georgia ended up sleeping with him!

GEORGIA SPLUTTERS

THEY LAUGH

No, I did not.

I need a tissue.

After all those budget hotels,

the girls have decided to treat themselves.

In-flight premium, because then the chair reclines

and you get extra legroom and stuff.

It's a long flight.

We are seating you this time one by the aisle

and one next to it, together.

-OK.

-One by the aisle and one by the exit?

One next to...

-One where?

-Next to each other.

-Next to each other.

One aisle and one in the middle.

They might have survived Thailand,

but they didn't quite do it on a backpacker's budget.

Shall we tell them how much we spent?

We put all our money together...

and, erm...

You shouldn't tell them.

We spent about five-and-a-half grand.

Don't know how people do it on a grand.

I was on the phone to my dad saying,

"You couldn't send us 200 squid, could you?

"Fatty ran out of money."

At the departure gate, the friends take

a few final moments to reflect on their experiences

and the profound effect Thailand has had on them.

We've definitely changed, though.

We had dinner the other day and we found hair in the food.

And usually, if I was in England, I'd be like...

complaining, saying, "I'm not paying for this, it's disgusting."

And I just pulled the hair out and carried on eating. I shocked myself.

And on his way home to Yorkshire is Matt.

-He'd kill for a meal with a hair in it.

-Last thing I had to eat?

Cockroach.

Crunchy.

After a night under the tourist police duvet,

-he's not had much kip.

-So I've had, what?

I've had about five hours in the last 48 hours, I think.

Well, I'm on my way home now.

Last night, I couldn't see light at t'end of t'tunnel.

Thought I were here for ever.

Upstairs? Up that escalator? Thank you.

After checking in for his flight to Manchester via Guangzhou in China,

Matt has his hard-earned boarding pass in his hand.

No, I won't lose that.

I've misplaced my boarding pass.

I think I've put it down when I've put my stuff through

the x-ray machine and that.

I don't understand where it's gone.

"Matthew, Matthew J..."

-You're waiting here for...the new...

-New boarding pass.

-Boarding pass, yes.

-Right, no problem.

Once again, the airport staff save the day. A replacement

is issued, and Matt can finally get home to see his daughter.

Thank you, yeah. Does that... Does everything match?

Does it match with that?

-Sorry. OK.

-Thank you.

-Welcome.

I'll keep my eye on that.

Zip.

Can't wait to get on t'plane. Can't wait.

It'll be the biggest hug she's ever had.

Got to go. I can't talk about my daughter, it upsets me.

See you later.

Matt's on his way, but Paul's still

got six hours to go before his flight takes off...

although he's managing to pass the time...

Cheers.

SLURRED: From the minute I get up to the minute I go to sleep, I drink, so...

That's it. I'm pure Scottish.

It's in the blood.

Paul may be Scottish, but his heart's in Thailand.

I've been having a party since the minute I got here.

I'm not actually pissing, it's an elephant,

that has water coming out of it.

That's my girlfriend.

I love her to bits, miss her a lot.

My dream would just be to stay here

and not have to go back to work at all, you know.

Paul's starting to feel sentimental, so he decides to go back

into Bangkok and give his girlfriend a surprise.

I've been here from 12 o'clock today.

My flight's at two o'clock in the morning. I've had enough.

I just want go back...

I've checked in, but I'm away to check out again.

But he's already passed through Immigration. He can check in

any time he likes, but he can never leave, except on a plane.

-You've got to board a plane.

-Yeah, but I already changed, I've already been through

-and come back again.

-You cannot...back outside.

If I go to change flights, I can do.

You cannot outside, because you can see - "passenger".

The airport has put its foot down.

There's nothing for it, but to have another drink.

I have to pay with card.

I cannot...

Aw, for fuck's sake.

-Because she's drunk.

-She's running away.

Paul's not the only one who's had a few tonight.

Blackburn girls Becky, Jenny

and Courtney are on their way home after the holiday of a lifetime.

It's been the best holiday ever.

Like, literally, I can't even put into words how good it actually is.

And I can't even...

I actually cried.

All the fireworks went off, and a little tear came down my face

and then I went, "Oh, forget it, it's happening."

And I just burst out into tears.

-It was so funny. It was amazing.

-Magaluf, never again.

Zante, never again. Thailand, every year.

For ever.

Sounds like the partying went on till the very last minute.

We ended up having a few drinks, singing along to all the songs.

Yeah, there was a band playing Oasis and everything.

# So, Sally can wait... #

And we were loving it. So we were like, "We don't want to go."

So it got to 11 o'clock, we were like, "Right, we need to board."

And we were like, "10 more minutes, 15 more minutes."

And then half an hour. 11.30, we said, "Right, we need to go."

Can I see boarding pass, please?

-OK. This way, please.

-Thank you.

On check-in tonight is Officer Nook, still single,

still smiling.

But those last few drinks could prove costly

if the friends don't make their gate in time.

Oh, gosh. This is so much... This is so much stress right now.

What is this place? What do we do here?

-OK, we're flying...

-It's 1.23 and we need to board at 1.30.

Right, so we've got six minutes to get to our gate.

The girls aren't the only ones having trouble.

-Paul's got his gate number, but he can't find the gate.

-C8?

ALARM BUZZES

Yep...

-C8?

-C8?

-C8.

Here?

I think I'm in the wrong bit.

-Ah!

-Right, Jenny, hurry up.

But no matter how late you are for boarding,

-you've got to make time for the essentials.

-Excuse me.

-Where can I get a smoke?

-Jenny, we really need to go.

-We really, really need to go.

-Take your time.

-All right, Mum.

Bye-bye, bye...

-Why don't we have a look on this board, see where we are?

-YOLO.

-There!

-Where? Oh, God, I'm scared.

-I think we should run. How is this even happening?

-Shut up.

Right, hurry up. I think there's about five people left.

We actually do need to be really quick.

The girls make their flight in the nick of time.

Oh, my gosh!

Meanwhile, Paul's epic journey is nearing an end.

We're getting there, we're getting there.

We're getting there.

At last, he's tracked down gate C8.

But after all that walking, he decides to take a short nap,

just as boarding gets under way.

And as the plane fills up,

Paul goes almost unnoticed behind the partition.

# Hello, hello

# Is there anybody in there? #

Then, just as the gate is about to close,

an eagle eyed airport official spots him.

Hello?

After a few anxious moments, they manage to revive him.

And after checking on his well-being,

Paul is helped gently on board.

So, it's goodbye to the Airport of Smiles,

but you can always get another drink on the plane...

Next time at Bangkok Airport,

it's the annual awards for customer service...

I loves my work, I loves my job, I love tourists.

..but not everyone's impressed with the airport's service.

That's impossible. That is impossible.

That doesn't work from me at all.

A British backpacker puts his foot in it...

This is it from two days later.

It is quite gruesome.

..we meet the singing doctor with his own fan club...

-and more high jinks in Departures.

-The passenger, they strip.

-They take off their clothes.

-Fuck me, that's strong.

..when we check in again at Bangkok airport.