Episode 1 The Two Amigos: A Gaucho Adventure

John Thomson and Simon Day have been friends for over 20 years...

Oh, that is gorgeous!

..ever since they rose to fame as part of The Fast Show

in the early '90s.

What I always wanted to do was to build a robot

that thinks like a human.

-You mean it can't always make up its mind?

-No.

Now these two comedians with soft hands are about to embark

on a very different journey.

It's a bit Curiosity Killed The Cat!

For three weeks they'll learn the ways of the gaucho in Argentina,

the rugged cowboy, national icon, symbol of freedom and courage.

Whoa! I thought stand-up was terrifying until I saw this.

This is a manly man's world.

I am going to moisturise. It will be a secret.

As novice riders,

they'll be the greenest gauchos Argentina has ever seen.

We look like security guards at a Basque separatists' rally.

The journey from city slicker to macho gaucho will be testing...

Right, honesty time - this is becoming hellish.

..and not without peril...

..as two friends, two amigos, attempt to find the gaucho within.

# Short of leg and large of head

# Brave of heart and kind of soul

# John Thomson will meet his goal

# To ride a little horse. #

THEY LAUGH

John and Simon leave for Argentina in a matter of days,

so an introduction to riding seems like a good idea.

Especially as they're not natural horsemen.

My experience of horse riding is donkeys on

Blackheath Common around 1971.

I grew up quite rurally, outside of Preston,

and there was a riding school, spitting distance from my house,

so I learned to ride as a child and got as far as canter.

-So I can...

-Is that a place?

-No...

Did you wear jodhpurs?

Don't remember wearing jodhpurs, I remember wearing maybe a pair of

brown flares, because it was the 1970s, of course.

You must have looked lovely.

Are you holding the stirrup?

Yeah, left foot into the stirrup,

OK, right hand on the back of the saddle, at the side.

They're old buddies, they went to Florida many moons ago,

so for them, I think it's nice for them just to

be kind of riding off into the sunset

as old men. SHE LAUGHS

-Shall I press play?

-Yeah, OK.

John and Simon have travelled together before, 20 years ago.

Turn it up.

Do they getting resounding thumbs down from us or what?

I think they do, John.

Am I smoking?! I can't believe it! I'm having a fag at the hotel.

This is early '90s, John and I went to Florida on holiday

when we were poverty stricken actors, or I was.

I had been to America before, but I hadn't been with a mate.

We were single, weren't we?

The idea was to meet ladies as well, but...

Nah, we just talked to each other.

Well, do you know what our theme song was on this holiday after

we realised that the lady situation wasn't going to happen?

It was You're Never Gonna Get It.

Such a good holiday though - we were free spirits...very lonely!

Our relationship is exactly the same as when we met,

it's not really altered.

I think essentially, he makes me laugh

and very few people make me laugh.

I am here with Roger Moore, English film star, in some

undergrowth at the Wet 'n' Wild theme park in Orlando.

Mr Moore, are you enjoying yourself here today?

-AS ROGER MOORE:

-It's exceptional. I enjoyed every minute of it.

The slides were exuberant and thrilling.

But I do take exception to being called "dude".

THEY LAUGH

Hi, this is Ted down the car lot at the resort hotel - let's rock!

This is Simon's driving lesson.

No license, but I let him drive anyway.

This is wicked.

We're very good for each other, as far as keeping each other's

spirits up. We're like a married couple.

Look at that, we were snogging at this point...

It begs the question... has time been kind?

Well, it's slightly odd, some bits I remember and some bits I don't.

We didn't have a care in the world, we didn't have

a worry in the world then.

Today, John and Simon are both married with children,

embroiled in the responsibilities of family life.

Conversations revolve around, "Did you get the milk?" "Yeah."

"What, blue or green?" "Blue." "What size?"

You know, you've got family,

do all those things you never thought you'd do,

I've got two small children who are more selfish than me

and more childish than me, and no matter how pathetic I want to be,

you can't do it with your own kids, you can't behave like that.

But for three weeks, they're going to escape the pressures

of modern-day life and reconnect

with the free spirits they once were,

in Argentina, land of the gaucho,

land of the free-range man.

The poncho of freedom. Hell, yeah, I want to go there!

Just sit quietly...

To get back that carefree man I was.

To really relax, just for a little bit.

It's a chance to get away from the creeping bindweed

of technology - unplugging yourself, no iPad, no iPhone.

You won't see gauchos sitting down, watching Morse

with eight cats on them, eating chocolates.

The cowboy alpha male thing.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still quite macho,

but I don't really buy into the, "Woaarrgghh!"

I would love him to come back as a real rough and ready...

yeah, South American, who will just pick me up on his shoulders

and, you know, "Grr! Come on!"

My wife has been actually quite, er, "You do that."

And trot on.

He's going to Argentina,

doing this cowboy thing, and he's riding horses

and farting, like cowboys do.

He's not an outdoors type of guy.

He likes his manicures and he likes his pedicures,

he likes his eyelash tints, he likes his facials.

..keeping that lower leg underneath you.

Ha-ha, Jesus and Mary!

I don't know how good he is at roughing it though,

and he doesn't like bugs and, you know, mosquito bites,

that sort of thing, does he?

Obviously, I am on camera and I'll be trying to fight.

With the family, I'd be going, "Oh, I've got a mosquito bite, oh, I'm chafing, oh, it's so hot,

"oh, it's too cold!" But on camera, I'll be trying to behave like Clint Eastwood.

It will be interesting to see how long that veneer lasts until it starts to crack.

Just a little up, down, up, down...

Maybe he will act like a cowboy,

but in a real life, he's not a cowboy.

I hope all the wild animals

don't come into his tent

and eat all his food.

And he's pretty funny, so I don't know if cowboys are funny or not.

POSH VOICE: Well, I can't afford both of them.

I'd very much like to buy this one for my daughter, and if this chap

could come along in a two-in-one deal, that would be marvellous.

This is a lady too.

Ah, of course she is...

Any worries about going away for three weeks to Argentina?

Maybe a wild horse throwing me,

being gored, maybe, disembowelled by a steer's horns,

or falling off a horse and being paralysed for life, really, that's the worst.

Glad I brought it up(!)

For 300 years, Argentina's cowboys - gauchos -

have tended livestock across this vast country.

From the tropics of the North to the mighty Andes Mountains in the South.

These colourful and nomadic horsemen encapsulate the rugged spirit

of every boyhood dream.

It's here that John and Simon will taste the freedom

of the traditional gaucho way of life.

But first, they arrive in the capital, Buenos Aires -

known as the Paris of South America.

See, these streets are all the same. Little gems hidden away.

Look, there's a lovely little fruit stall. That looks nice.

Shiny apple, conference pear.

There's a very handsome boy there with silky blue shorts on.

-Simon, you sound like Noel Coward.

-How do you speak Noel Coward?

-PLUMMY ACCENT:

-Noel Coward?

-There is a very handsome boy...

I believe he spoke very quickly...

You've got how many years on me? Five?

How old am I? I am 51.

-Are you 51?

-52 in May.

You've got seven years on me.

So iconic is the gaucho in Argentina

that Buenos Aires, with nary a cow in sight,

has many high-end shops where rich cosmopolitans can at least

dress like a gaucho.

This would be over £100 sterling, about £120 sterling, so...

With gaucho training imminent,

John's need for a good pair of boots is legit.

How can I help you?

Er, in England, seven and a half.

Over here, that's a 44.

And very high instep.

Of course, I brought my own Hermes saddle with me on the plane,

which I bought in the '90s, and I have been waxing it.

I refused to sell it, although I lost everything else.

Finally come in handy!

Ah, yes!

These are the ones - all ready for panto!

Over three weeks, our gauchos-to-be will first get a training

crash course in the northern Corrientes province,

before heading 1,500 miles south to the region of Patagonia,

where they'll join traditional gauchos on a real cattle drive -

bringing 200 cattle down a mountain pass,

50 miles of riding over three days and nights.

But for today, their simple task is to get an hour's drive

out of the capital, for a local gaucho festival.

We're going to Pilar, which is a suburb of Buenos Aires, BA.

It's not that difficult, we're in Recoleta,

we go through Barrio Norte, above Palermo, past the zoo.

I know it's a zoo, because there's a picture of a lion,

the universal sign of the zoo. A lion.

Airport is to the right - we're not going there, are we?

This is the section of the film my mum would enjoy the most.

"Oh, God, he's navigating!"

"Ohh, I felt sorry for John then."

Even though we've got huge landmarks left and right,

I have absolutely no idea where we are.

Right, I'll give you an idea. Look for a road.

You see, there's a signpost there, like in New York.

The cross sections.

It's similar to New York, it's a grid system.

I got lost there too.

I got lost there with you once, didn't I?

The way they drive here - they don't even indicate!

What you doing!?

Oh, sh...!

Come on. You're all right, go. Are you all right?

He's going to go on the inside too, what nutcases!

You can see why I didn't volunteer to drive, can't you?

We would be dead by now.

DISCO MUSIC PLAYS ON STEREO

Not a bad system, is it?

19... what year?

# ..smoking mountains, nothing new... #

-I think it's...

-Yes?

# ..to the mountaintop... #

'82?

Yes!

THEY LAUGH

MUSIC: "Walking on Sunshine" by Rockers Revenge

# Uhhh... #

It's like that, isn't it?

# Uh-h-h-h!#

# We work until it's time to stop

# Oh, baby

# You're mine, you're mine, you're

# Walking on sunshine... #

Turn it off, here's the toll.

-How much is it?

-12.

-They will tell you.

Gracias.

There must be a film somewhere... An independent film about a guy having a relationship

with someone who works in a toll booth.

-Can you imagine?

-Brilliant idea, Simon! Yeah.

Italian film, every day, "Hello!"

So they drive around?

No, it slowly builds

and one day there is an accident or whatever and they fall in love.

The next day he goes back and she's been fired.

-There's an old bloke in there.

-She's not there any more.

Yes, he starts asking and all the traffic's building up.

"Where is the lady?" he's screaming.

We'd go to America and they'd say yes. London - no.

No, I love it. Toll booth romance.

Toll booth romance. I bet it's been done.

"Aah, we gotta couple of toll booth romance films

"in production already, get outta here!"

Surely we should be there by now.

-There you go, Pilar.

-Hey-y-y!

For one day a year, over 10,000 gauchos

and gaucho fans come together.

By horse - or by car - they travel from all over Argentina.

They look fantastic. They've all got their colours on - they're like jockeys.

They're here to promote their traditional culture,

which stretches back to its heyday in the 19th century,

when 200,000 gauchos roamed free,

taming wild horses, hunting and gathering cattle.

As the land was carved up into huge estancias or ranches,

they became hired hands and their numbers began to decline.

Today, there are only 20,000 working gauchos,

so the festival's a great place to wave a flag for their heritage,

and a good excuse for everyone else to have a picnic.

John and Simon are joined by Gloria, who'll be on hand

to translate for them whenever needed.

And to help them buy sausages.

How do you buy it, Gloria?

SHE SPEAKS SPANISH

That's incredible.

The man to know here is Carlos Beretta.

This is Carlos, which is the voice of the parade.

Muchas gracias.

Several hours of parading leaves plenty of time for shopping.

It suits you like this.

Back off a bit. There's a mirror, isn't there?

It's a bit Curiosity Killed The Cat!

I seem to remember Lisa Stansfield wearing one of them in the '80s.

-I don't look anything like a gaucho, do I?

-No.

ANNOUNCEMENTS IN SPANISH OVER PA

What are these? Just for decoration?

-No, those are boleadoras.

-Oh, for the...

-Exactly.

Are they called bolos?

Boleadoras.

That's the hardest thing to learn, isn't it?

You throw it like this, to hit it on the temple?

Yeah, exactly.

These ones are very beautiful, because they are marble made.

Shopping over, it's time for John and Simon to watch some serious

gaucho sport, in a traditional competition called La Doma.

BELL RINGS

COMMENTARY IN SPANISH OVER PA

The skills of Doma are part of the horse taming process -

everyday work for the gaucho,

but in competitions like this they use the most aggressive wild horses.

Stay within the bells, one bell rings, you stay on the horse,

the bell rings, you stayed in.

Some of the best riders in the world are here,

competing for big cash prizes.

But there's a very obvious down side.

APPLAUSE

-In his eye?

-His eye socket.

Extraordinary - it's the most exciting thing I have seen live.

I thought stand-up was terrifying until I saw this.

The way the horse literally gets on his hind legs,

-and goes back... It's unbelievable!

-It was quite incredible.

-Unbelievable!

-The guts!

They are only young kids as well who are doing it, generally.

The guts they must have to get up there. Simon said to me, how much? I said, a million!

There was one, he rode it and as he came past,

I threw my boxer shorts at him and he caught them in his teeth.

He wrung them out and gave them to his father.

It was quite emotional.

Bono estente!

KNOCK ON DOOR Security!

Morning, mate. Funny night.

Mozzie went like "bzzzz" in my ear and I got paranoid,

so I started chasing it around the room.

I didn't get it.

John, give us the Mick Jagger.

We've got a new...

The Mick Jagger move.

Celebrity mosquito catching.

Mosquitoes are becoming a slight problem, so we've got the Mick...

the Mick Jagger... 'Ere! ..catch the mozzie move!

There's one.

'Ere!

We have in front of us a ten-hour drive.

That's with stops, not continuous,

so it's a bit of a road trip today, bit of a slog.

It's quite exciting using a map again.

I do find that often, sat nav can fill you with fear.

Simon's map reading can't.

It's a drive of 350 miles from Pilar to their training ranch

at Esquina, in the northern region of Corrientes.

Gracias.

Gracias!

-You can be the keeper of the...

-Si!

-We are off to Esquina, to the...

-Corrientes province.

Yes, where we will meet the gauchos and start our training.

Our wonderful fixer, Gloria, who is a native of Argentina,

she was telling us last night about the giant wasps.

She said, "They don't sting, they take a bite out of you."

Yeah, the double whammy.

My main concern is mosquitoes.

But once we get on the horses, our main concern is staying alive.

John and Simon pass through the vast area of Las Pampas,

traditionally the gauchos' heartland,

where for centuries they produced the finest beef cattle in the world.

But in recent decades,

wealthy industrial farmers have grown soya to raise

their cattle in huge feedlots, squeezing out the skilful gauchos.

-Are you drifting?

-No, I'm just enjoying it.

-No, he is.

It's difficult to know whether to drift.

As the light begins to fade, they're well behind schedule,

still 180 miles from the ranch.

John's driving shift is over, so it's time for Simon to take

the wheel - a man who only passed his test in his mid-40s.

Right-hand side of the road, yeah?

Yeah, it's just the first thing. First rule.

-Are you ready?

-I don't know.

One problem I have is the key knocks against my knee.

You have that problem?

No, I'm short of leg.

# Short of leg and large of head

# Brave of heart and kind of soul

# John Thomson will meet his goal

# To ride a little horse. #

THEY LAUGH

Freestyler!

-And you're off.

-I'm rolling.

Now, when I hit my clipboard, Mr Day...

OK, little update for everybody.

We have decided to come on a road

that is in terrible disrepair

with the biggest potholes.

I mean, like axle-cracking pot holes.

-"Axle-Crackin' Potholes!"

-There's one. A little one.

You will witness one in a minute.

So, we are a little bit up against it,

because it's gonna go dark here.

And when it goes dark along here,

there is absolutely no street lighting.

RUMBLING AND RATTLING

BLEEP!

Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!

It was like a shallow grave, not just a pothole!

There's many bad holes around where we live.

Apparently it's something to do with the ice and snow.

-BLEEP

-sake!

Did you not see them?

There's one!

How are you feeling, John?

Ooh!

OK, sorry.

We are all right, I think.

You turned the engine off, mid driving...?

No, I knocked it with my thing - my knee. I know...

What am I supposed to do? My knee is right on the key.

Overtaking, as it gets dark,

is not something I'm particularly going to...

Come over a bit, you're on the rough bit.

It's like you when we were driving into the gaucho place.

Don't answer back!

Oh, no? Sorry!

RUMBLING AND RATTLING

-I'm gonna knock you out of this

-BLEEP

-car if you do that one more time.

-DEEP VOICE:

-You will have to pass before the sun goes down, my friend.

Ha-ha, stay on the road.

Very dangerous out there. You don't know.

You don't speak the language.

Biblical clouds out here.

Amazing.

Nice bit of low sun coming from the left.

Ooooh. Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Ha-ha, sorry about that.

As the evening grows darker, the road gets smaller.

And by 10pm, a full 12 hours after

they left, it's pitch black and hardly a road at all.

Finally, they reach the gates of La Pelada,

their home for the next five days.

It's really lovely.

Spanish style.

That has to be one of the longest drives - I mean, driveways.

Would you show us to our rooms, please?

-Yes.

-Our room.

Simon, he wants it to be quite sparse and monasterial.

Yeah, I want whitewashed floors,

two very small twin beds, crucifix, that's it.

There's our room, look, I told you.

-Come have a look in here.

-That might not be yours.

I told you what the room would be like. I predicted it.

Look!

-That is spooky.

-I didn't see it!

That is a bit spooky.

Now, this is probably too big for me, this bed.

Good night, John.

JOHN LAUGHS

Estancia La Pelada, on the banks of the Corrientes River,

is a working farm of 5,000 hectares,

deep within the campo, the countryside.

A dozen gauchos work here, taming and training wild horses,

and tending over 6,000 head of cattle.

The head honcho is Dario Gallardo, and today

he has two fresh recruits to introduce.

Apparently the only way to bond with new gaucho chums

is a hot cup of mate.

Made from a plant a bit like holly, it's not just a drink,

it's a ritual.

It's OK.

Yeah. It's like a very stewed tea.

It's a vitamin supplement...

..for a meat-heavy diet.

Maybe later, you will decide to stop giving us mate.

Before their training can begin,

John and Simon need some authentic gaucho kit,

so a drive into town is the first job of the day.

He says the Creole are real horses.

My mother's family are from the countryside,

so I used to go every weekend.

Not like this. Country, but not like this.

I grew up around small villages, which were mainly agricultural.

You're very good with a plough, aren't you?

Just a one-man plough. With a yoke.

In Esquina, Dario knows just place to get John and Simon kitted out.

Yes.

Blue?

Multi bene. Perfecto!

-Bueno?

-Bueno.

It's good?

There you go.

Gracias, perfecto!

This is like Mr Benn!

Mr Benn. And as if by magic, a gaucho appeared!

Aaah.

Tight, it's tight.

Oi-oi-oi.

Where's the old mirror? Let's have a look.

Are these neckerchiefs?

Do you get a woggle?

Porta panuelo.

-Porta paniolo?

-Panuelo.

Paniolio?

Pan-uel-o!

Panuelo! Porta panuelo!

This, in England, is for the Cub Scouts, this porta...

Porta panuelo.

-Porta panuelo... is called a "woggle".

-A woggle.

Oh, it's quite Catholic, John, I like it.

You're sitting by a church in Northern Spain.

# Ay-ay-ay-aaay-y-y-y-y! #

Back at the estancia, our gauchos-to-be gather themselves

for their first training session.

As novice riders, they've got some extra kit.

-This is a...

-Standard issue...

-BETA approved....

British...Equine...Travel...

You all right? Do you need some help?

Just zip me up.

Sure this is open?

I can do it. Just hold me neckerchief.

I'll hold it, you do it.

Don't tickle me!

-That's it.

-Done. There you go.

Right, well, I lost mine last night in a game of cards,

so I will just have to wear a cardigan.

-Do you want John to hold your woggle?

-No.

INAUDIBLE CHATTER

Good, that's it.

Done yours? That's why you couldn't get yours on, it's already done up!

We look like sort of security guards at a Basque separatist rally.

-Undercover.

-Some kind of like, er...

Vatican protection league for the Pope.

-No comprende.

-No, no!

No entrada. No! Salida!

Si! See, I'm learning a bit.

It's absolutely perfect weather conditions.

A light breeze. I'd say it's about 19, maybe 18½...

Um, for me, I can only speak for myself.

They head for the corral,

where Dario's horses are prepared for the working day.

That's yours.

-Hi!

-TONGUE CLICKS

This is where it all begins, viewers. This is where we begin our training.

We've got about four or five days training, but we won't need more

than two or four hours a day tops and then we go on a cattle drive.

Full-on Bonanza. Embedded in over 600,000 head of cattle.

Sweeping down across the Pampas.

-Dario...

-Yeah.

-..he is the handsome leader.

-He used to be special forces.

-He's a Gaucho paramilitary.

I tell you what he is.. He's really cool.

-He's one for the ladies, isn't he?

-Oh, absolutely!

-It's good, because we're not...

-We're not that easy on the eye.

-Not...not any more.

-No.

-There was a time.

Hola!

-Si?

-Si. Si.

Ah!

We now have to take off our Gaucho, er, berets and put on these...

-Off we go.

-..because of BBC safety regulations, which is a shame.

Which we find would probably... I don't think the locals really

-think it's a bit...

-Let the comedy commence!

-I think the locals think

we're a couple of nellies, but we've no choice.

What's his name?

-They have 150 horses, so...

-HE LAUGHS

Perfect.

Unbelievably responsive.

It takes a full year to train a wild horse into a working animal.

One fit for a gaucho... of any ability!

Compared to English horses, it's like the difference between

-a push-bike and a Porsche. It's like that!

-I know!

-It's like a pen!

-That was the most difficult...

-It's like using a pen!

It's just like...

Incredible!

-OK? He's relaxed?

-Yeah!

-The horse.

-Yeah.

-OK...

-CLICKS TONGUE

Yeah, OK? Yes.

-Come on, John.

-JOHN CLICKS HIS TONGUE

OK, John? Go on.

-Amazing.

-Incredible, innit?

-Yeah.

-Relax. Huh?

-Sorry.

-JOHN LAUGHS

Come.

OK?

The Teapot Express(!)

'The horses, because they don't live in small little stables

'and travel around in little horse boxes, and they live free,

'they have a totally different personality.'

'They're amazing.

'There's something to be said for kind of free-range.'

Oi, oi! Oi, oi!

Taking your eye off the ball, that's the worrying...

As John said, it became so easy, until something happens,

and then you see how good you are as a rider, isn't it?

Until John goes like that with one of those saplings

-and it goes "Whoa-tish!"

-Whip?

-Ha!

'It's an idyllic setting, but here nature is up close

'and can get personal,

'especially the mosquitoes.'

-What's happened?

-I've been absolutely eaten alive in there.

I think this arm's bad. I think... Can you see?

And then, the other one here.

Be kind when you edit this. I'm a shadow of my former self.

I thoroughly enjoyed today. Totally different from English horse riding

and you just do this - left, right, that's it.

Left, right, stop.

And then, there's a kind of move that we can make it reverse a bit.

I'm loving the horse work, but I can't believe

something so small could potentially ruin this whole trip.

Next morning, and after John and Simon

have made themselves less delicious to the mosquitoes,

it's time for breakfast...

..and more mate with Dario and his right-hand man Gaston.

It's also a chance for gauchos to compare their most important tool -

their facon, their knife, handed down from generation to generation.

Or, in John's case, bought for £3.50.

-Rites of passage!

-LAUGHTER

Before today's riding lesson,

Dario takes his students on a short cultural outing.

Do gauchos ever go on a holiday abroad?

Do they ever travel to another country?

Gauchos are folk heroes in Argentina.

Even in a country that's predominantly Catholic,

there are many roadside shrines dedicated to one in particular.

Born and bred here in Corrientes in the 1840s - Gauchito Gil.

He's saying thank you and was asking, er...

for work, health, food and protection for the family.

I'm going to pray.

I just said no more mozzies, please.

And I've noticed, since we started filming, you know,

-Will, you were attacked, weren't you? Quite severely in the eye.

-Yes.

I said, "Please, Gaucho Gil..." "H-il!" sorry, Gaucho H-il,

"Gauchito H-il, no more mozzies," and since we've stopped...

since I said that, you haven't been bothered?

I haven't. Have you been bothered again?

Have you?

-You're not...

-Because I haven't asked anything.

-Keep the faith!

Come on, come on! Live it, breathe it!

MOOING

Argentina is the third largest exporter of beef in the world,

and gauchos still manage 55 million head of cattle.

Herding is their stock-in-trade, and that's the lesson today.

With extra spice provided by the lagoon,

full of caiman - a type of crocodile - and piranhas.

-Crocodiles, piranhas.

-Mm-hm.

Um, these are two animals that were not mentioned to us

-when we agreed to do this trip.

-Not at all. No, not at all.

-OK.

-OK,

-si. OK.

-Perfect!

HE SPEAKS SPANISH

Amazing!

Wey-hey!

'It was unbelievable. It was a very freeing experience.

'I thoroughly enjoyed it and really started to get the hang of it.

'The saddles are so comfortable, the horses are so responsive.

'We're both very pleased.'

Doesn't get much better than that,

like a real-life Marlboro advert, without the fags.

I was getting the loose ones at the end and everything.

They're just great horses. It's as easy as...

falling off a horse, as they say, but...

obviously, you know, the gauchos did all the proper...

If it was just been us,

I think you would've seen quite a different result.

We probably would've got one each.

Training's gone well, but in two days' time,

there's a real job to be done.

It's one of the biggest days of the year for Dario and his team -

rounding up 300 calves and loading them onto trucks bound for market.

I would imagine he's a very good boss to work with. There is nothing

he ever does that discourages you, he doesn't kind of go, "Oh...why?!"

There's no negativity, there's no kind of...

He wants you to do well and he constantly reinforces that,

so you're always getting that reinforcement from him

that makes you want to do well.

It's like Brian Clough, but nicer.

The players who played for Brian Clough wanted to play for him.

They wanted to achieve things for him.

I said, um, "Do they go on holiday?"

And they said, no, they don't. They're quite happy here.

And they're not aspirational, so they're very content and they've got

a great gratitude for what they have, which is very simple.

Which is a kind of very Zen, Buddhist kind of approach.

So they're kind of at one with nature, and they love their work.

They don't even go to the pictures, I don't think.

Well, you don't imagine he goes to the pictures.

He did ask me whether the new Muppet film's any good.

JOHN LAUGHS

I said I haven't seen it.

He took me aside, he said, "Ride with me."

I rode with him for about 100 miles

until I was literally dead tired. I mean, I fell off the horse

and he bathed me, then started asking me about the second Muppet film.

I'm starting to ease into this kind of, you know,

manana relaxed kind of state of being in, it's kind of very nice.

You know, I think it's a great way to live, you know.

You just need a bit of company, shelter and food...

-And ride like the wind.

-And ride like the wind, yeah.

TORRENTIAL RAINFALL

The ranch is on the edge of a sub-tropical zone,

so, when it rains hard, gaucho school is out.

The teacher kicks back

and the students do too.

HE CHATTERS IN SPANISH

HE EXCLAIMS IN SPANISH Si! Deflectos!

Ah, mucho fruitos!

Ay-eh!

'Gaucho boys learn the vital skill of lassoing

'as soon as they can walk.

'John and Simon did not.'

I'd stand back, if I were you.

-Oi...

-Oh, aye-up.

The wrist?

LAUGHTER

Unlucky.

-Yes!

-You've done it!

'Having caught a large stick, they graduate to the next pen.

'Here, the targets are moving.'

Ooh! Sorry, John!

DARIO SHOUTS You all right?

Come on, they're sitting ducks there!

WHISTLING

'It's a good introduction to the lasso,

'but when used for real, there are many more factors to consider.'

That's yours.

'Elevenses at La Pelada.'

-Hot!

-LAUGHTER

Tea and biscuits are replaced by yet more mate and the local delicacy -

deep-fried piranha, plentiful in the nearby Corrientes River.

I tell you what. That's all right.

It's not a fishy fish. You know, some people go,

-"Oh, it's a bit fishy," but it's kind of soft.

-Yeah.

-Mmm!

In a bid to repay the hospitality of their hosts,

John and Simon have offered to cook this evening,

their last night at La Pelada.

But as they head for the shops,

the hard week of training seems to be taking its toll.

-I'll make a spag bol, all right?

-You know what you're doing?

-What do you think?

-I don't know, I'm asking you!

By the time they reach the supermarket,

the air is thick with some rather un-gaucho-like tension.

-I'd go for chopped fresh tomatoes...

-You're doing the pudding, aren't you?

-Yeah. But you want to just buy your own ingredients?

-Yeah.

-You don't want me to interfere?

-I'll buy the ingredients.

-You buy the pudding.

-If something's missing, can I suggest it?

-Yes, you can.

-Thank you.

-I'm sure you will.

Do you have stock? Beef stock?

-Good point. Do we have beef stock?

-We will need bouillon.

I don't put bouillon in my spag bol.

My wife does, she puts an Oxo cube in, but I don't.

-I, er...

-I just use the meat and the bacon and the wine.

-You might do in an English spag bol, mate.

-What?

-Nothing.

-My recipe. If you want me to do the crumble,

-I will. You should leave it to me.

-Leave it to you!

Italians don't put Oxo in their ragu,

and they certainly don't put red peppers in it.

'There was a misunderstanding about this dinner thing. I was trying'

to make some suggestions about how I would do it

and he was kind of quite bombastic.

I'm very much aware that I must be an absolute nightmare

in different ways, my various neuroses, and, um...

So I'm trying to...

be aware of the fact that I am a nightmare.

-Aw!

-We made up. We had a tiff.

-Yeah, we had a little falling out.

-Yeah.

Performers, comedians, actors, whatever you want to call it -

we're children, essentially, aren't we?

'But like I say, two comics. You know, it's that thing of,

'you know, I'd get on my own nerves, you know.'

Spag bol-gate is laid to rest,

which is good, because news is just in from the kitchen.

We've just discovered that

the lady of the house is making spaghetti Bolognese..

JOHN LAUGHS ..for lunch with fresh pasta.

Which kind of knocks my dry pasta ragu into a cocked hat.

-We can change it.

-OK.

-We can do a shepherd's pie.

-You could make chilli con carne.

-I'd rather do shepherd's pie,

-cos I've made that. Cottage pie, shepherd's pie.

-Yeah.

Why don't I just make the spaghetti Bolognese and go, "Whose is best?

"Whose is best? Whose is best?" I could do that.

It's John and Simon's last training session

and, with 300 calves to face tomorrow,

Dario's exercises get a tad more demanding.

AS RON MANAGER: "Ryan Giggsy, with a drop of the shoulder. Marvellous!"

Si.

Slowly trotting, maybe.

'The only fear I have is hurting the animal,

'but I think that they're really trained really hard.

'I think, what I think is hard, they're used to a lot harder.'

When it goes into trot, I really want to gallop.

'I must have to give it a bit more.'

I'm quite happy with my riding, considering how scared I was.

But the stakes are raised again for the galloping lesson.

A true gaucho must keep a hand free for lassoing,

which means only one hand on the reins.

You make it sound easy.

-This is rather like ride the rhythm.

-Exactly.

-Like a reggae track.

-Ride the rhythm is right.

-Ride the rhythm.

-Yeah!

-Oh, this way?

-Yeah!

-DARIO LAUGHS

MUSIC: "Jamming" by Bob Marley and the Wailers

Yeah, perfect!

# Ooh, yeah...

# All right!

# We're jammin'

# I wanna jam it with you... #

DARIO LAUGHS # We're jammin'... #

Chop my hand off now.

The thing is, Dario, he constantly re-enforces you,

cos he's always complimenting you and high-fives.

-Excellent.

-Nice work, Si.

'Every day has been a leap into the unknown.

'I've already done things I didn't think I'd be able to do.'

-Perfect!

-'One of the best things I've ever done.'

Stop.

And with that, the training phase

of Argentina's newest gauchos comes to an end.

As the Bolognese begins its transformation into shepherd's pie,

John's apple crumble masterclass is a sell-out.

What you do is leave it as crumbs and put the crumbs on the apple.

This mince is a lot finer than you would expect

in a cottage pie in the Home Counties.

-Hello there!

-Hello, Chef Day.

I tell you, I have no idea what I'm doing.

It needs a great big lump of meaty gravy, doesn't it?

It needs something.

Hey! EVERYONE CHATTERS

-Salute!

-To our gaucho friends!

-To the gauchos!

-And to all our friends at La Pelada.

-Si, gracias.

-Thank you.

'The final day of reckoning is upon us tomorrow.'

The herding of the cattle in the corral.

'There's an air of keenness to get on the horse,'

but there's an air of sadness too that we're leaving the campo.

It's my kind of pudding.

BIRDS CALL

The final morning.

The lorries have arrived and await their cargo.

Despite the threat of industrial farming, gauchos can still

make a living from delivering free-range cattle to market.

You see, everybody's very calm, but, effectively,

we're going to be slap bang in the middle of a stampede.

WESTERN-STYLE MUSIC

Dario leads John and Simon to meet up

with the rest of the gauchos and the calves.

JOHN AND SIMON: Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, hey!

Hey, hey!

Hey, hey!

WHISTLING

WHISTLING AND SHOUTING

MOOING

Once they reach the corral,

the work for the gauchos, and the calves, intensifies.

It looks quite difficult, you've got to hold your horse

and use your horses' body and your feet

-to sort of kick them up, er, the ladder.

-Kick them.

-And I don't...

I'm not desperate enough to appear that macho on television.

I don't think my children would appreciate me

-whipping baby cows...

-Yeah.

-..on TV, to be honest.

It's a bit intense.

Are you saw what they did with that calf down there. They're not shy.

The reality of gaucho life kicks in.

It's not for the squeamish city slicker.

Think about that when you're eating beef-burgers, everyone.

Think about this.

So glad that you didn't have a go, cos then I'd have to have a go too.

Young man's game, innit? Young man's game.

LOUD MOOING

We got to the sharp end of it today.

It all... The whole landscape, driven...

As John said, beautiful, free-range thing -

all went whoosh into a very narrow channel.

At the end of the day, the gaucho,

we sort of romanticised about the fact that, you know,

they're these free spirits who don't really answer to anybody

and all they need is the horse, the knife and the song.

The cow ceases to be an entity, like a living thing.

It's more of a commodity and, at the end of the day, it's their wage.

Meat is...is money in this case.

-"Meat is money" rather than "meat is murder".

-Murder!

John and Simon's gaucho apprenticeship

-has come to an end.

-Gracias.

-Gracias.

It's great to come here where everyone's like...

food, horse, sleep.

You know, it's a genuinely...

-The simple life.

-..refreshing change.

-SIMON LAUGHS: Yeah, man.

-Thank you.

-Mate, we will return.

-Si.

-Si? Si.

-Ooh!

-Oh, wow! DARIO LAUGHS

BOTH: Gracias.

-Amazing!

-Oh, we've graduated.

-Look at that.

-Look at that!

-Now we fight!

-"And now we fight!"

-LAUGHTER

-No, no!

-It's true that I've not truly, um...

become a gaucho in my thinking and mentality,

cos I was, like, "Oh, I hope I get the one with the handle,"

with the other handle. I went, "Oh, well, I'll have this one."

JOHN LAUGHS That's...that is the western mindset.

-I'll swap.

-Will you?

-That's the true way of the gaucho.

-I'm starting to like this one now.

-I'm prepared... I'm happy to trade with you.

-I'm not sure!

-Go on!

-OK.

There you go.

-How's that?

-Gracias!

-Si! That's all right, I don't mind.

-He's learned!

-I've learned the way.

This one's worth £10,000! This one's worth a quid!

It's almost extinct tree wood, which is called "saint's stick".

It's delicious, smell it.

Oh, yeah.

(I want it back!)

-It changes the colour...

-Yeah?

-..with the weather.

-It's blue when it rains.

-What?!

-Wow!

-What?!

-DARIO LAUGHS

-Hey!

-LIKE A GANGSTER:

-You had your chance!

-LAUGHTER

-I mean, you know what you could do?

-With Dario?

-Yeah, you could do

-Crocodile Dundee here in Buenos Aires.

-Remake it here.

-Well, no, he goes into the town, isn't he?

-Into the city.

-Yeah.

-And he has a big knife.

-The women fall in love with him.

That's right, and he, um, he can charm animals.

-Yeah, then a mugger attacks him and he pulls out his knife.

-That's right.

-Yeah.

-And, er...

-We've got to do our tollbooth film first, though,

-haven't we?

-We have! Tollbooth romance!

-Don't forget that.

-Yes.

Next time, with training over,

it's off to work for John and Simon,

as they join a team of gauchos in remote Patagonia,

bringing 200 cattle down a mountain pass.

50 miles of riding into the unknown.

I don't like surprises. Hate them!

Three days and nights exposed to the elements...

-Yeah, good night, John Boy, and all of that.

-Good night, Jim Bob.

An adventure of a lifetime.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

That was scary!