Episode 2 The Two Amigos: A Gaucho Adventure

John Thomson and Simon Day have been friends for over 20 years...

-Such a good holiday, though.

-We're free spirits.

-Very lonely.

..ever since they rose to fame as part of The Fast Show

in the early '90s.

What everyone's always wanted to do was build a robot that

-thinks like a human.

-You mean it can't always make up its mind?

-No.

Today they're both married with children,

enjoying lives of middle-aged responsibility.

But for three weeks, they've got the chance to become the free spirits

they once were, learning the ways of the gaucho in Argentina.

The rugged cowboy, national icon, symbol of freedom and courage.

The poncho of freedom. Hell yeah, I want to go there.

Unplugging yourself, no iPads, no iPhone.

It's a chance to get away from technology.

They've already had a week of intensive training

in the sub-tropical north.

We look like sort of security guards.

Now they're doing it for real in the wilds of Patagonia

on a three-day-and-night cattle drive.

With the correct embrocation, I'll be all right.

The journey from city slicker to macho gaucho will be testing...

-Right, honesty time, right? This is becoming hellish.

-Yes.

..and not without peril...

..as two friends, two amigos, attempt to find the gaucho within.

# Short of leg and large of head

# Brave of heart and kind of soul

# John Thomson will meet his goal to ride a little horse. #

MUSIC: "Pass The Dutchie" by Musical Youth

# This generation rules the nation

# With iration

# Music happen to be the food of love

# Sounds to really make you rub and scrub... #

Argentina's newest gauchos are on their way to report for duty.

# I said pass the dutchie on the left hand side

# I said pass the dutchie on the left hand side... #

Can't wait to get back on a horse.

-Set up camp near a stream and all that.

-I hope we do that, yeah.

I think we will. They'll know where looks good.

-They're not going to camp...

-What, next to the road?

John and Simon are joining a team of tradition gauchos

to bring 200 cattle down a mountain pass over three days and nights.

It's a far cry from life back home.

You can't get him camping even in the back garden.

Walls would be good, though, if we were surrounded by walls.

-Torch.

-HOWLS LIKE ANIMAL

The maximum he'll go to the park with the kids is an hour.

I don't know how good he is at roughing it, though.

He's never been away for three weeks before.

In fact, I think the longest he's been away is kind of

three nights, really, maybe five at the most.

Where's my glasses?

I need them to see. I can't see a thing, you know.

Never knew you wore glasses. We're old now, aren't we?

His beard is very white.

John's very camp, so it's going to be interesting to see him

in a kind of testosterone-filled environment.

-What do you think, guys? Is Daddy adventurous?

-Pretty much, yeah.

-I need a wee, actually, soon.

-Do you? I'll stop.

I said he won't survive without a phone probably,

but he said, "No, be one with nature and all that."

Wow! Looks like Iceland... but better.

From their training ranch in the north,

John and Simon have travelled 1,500 miles to the foothills

of the Andes Mountains in Argentina's southernmost region,

Patagonia, an area four times the size of the UK.

One of the last corners of the world to be colonised,

it doesn't get much more rugged than this.

Could be on our way to Chesterfield, across the peaks.

For centuries, it's been a place to escape to,

and 100 years before John and Simon another daring duo ventured here.

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.

I did say to my wife, I said,

"Oh, we're going to Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid's ranch."

She went, "No way!" Cos there are those out there that will

think that they were just Hollywood creations.

Oh.

Here we are.

-Hope it's not this.

-No, I hope it's not that.

-That's just a hut.

-This isn't it?

-No.

-Are you sure?

You couldn't get three people in there and a lot of weapons.

-It's down here, this way.

-This isn't it?

-Come on.

In 1901, having become America's most infamous criminals,

Robert Parker and Harry Longabaugh,

AKA Butch and Sundance, vanished in Patagonia.

Joined by Sundance's partner Etta,

they hid out at this low-key ranch near the town of Cholila.

Er, they left America and they came here

and they became folk heroes here.

They were very popular in the area, they did lots for the community.

They didn't do any robberies for quite a while and then

they started doing robberies,

but all criminals have a dream of going straight, don't they?

But of course, they never do. Well, some do.

IMITATES CREAKING DOOR

-Simple.

-Simple.

-Simple home.

There's a chair, there, look. Mud floor.

Bird poop. These are the...

This is where they hung their Le Creuset pots.

-Hey.

-Oh, yeah, look.

-Look at that.

-This hole is for resting a gun on.

Hollywood's 1969 retelling of the Butch and Sundance story

is revered by many as a classic

and, for some, a visit to their ranch is a pilgrimage.

Yeah, the film was brilliant

and I queued around the block to see it with my dad.

-Got in to see it...

-Saw it so long ago.

-It was brilliant.

-I think I saw it one Christmas.

-It was a little bit erotic.

-It was exciting. It was funny.

-I'll have to see it again, you know.

Everything. Those two performances are enshrined in my childhood memory,

as much as Sean Connery being in Bond, as being perfect.

I was looking at stills from the film,

though, the ginger moustache on Robert Redford.

There is a little touch of Keith Lemon about him.

No. It's sacrilege for you to say that.

It was one of the best films I ever saw as a kid.

I might have a little ceremony over here in a minute.

I'm sure they'll do it again soon, Butch Cassidy and Sundance.

-Oh, I hope not.

-Perhaps when someone sees this, it'll fire them up.

-What, you and me?

-Let's try and sell that in Hollywood!

AMERICAN ACCENT: "These guys, they're too old,

"they're not buff, I don't get it!"

The renowned robbers eventually fled Argentina for Bolivia.

It's claimed they died in a shootout in 1908,

but their bodies were never found.

With the help of their translator, Gloria,

John and Simon recreate an iconic moment in Patagonia's history.

They press on and eventually reach the farming town of Trevelin,

where they'll meet the head gaucho who'll be leading the cattle drive.

-Trevelin.

-There we are. Perfect.

It's a small town of 6,000,

similar to others in Patagonia in many respects, but with a twist.

It's Welsh.

In the 19th century, Argentina needed immigrants from Europe

to populate this desolate region.

In 1865, the first Welsh settlers arrived.

150 men, women and children seeking to create an enclave

on farming land they'd been told was similar to the Welsh lowlands.

In 1888, they founded Trevelin, Welsh for "mill town".

And by 1900, over 4,000 Welsh were in Patagonia.

The Celtic heritage continues.

10% of the population here have Welsh as their first language.

Many road names are Welsh and today it's even raining.

John and Simon's debut as working gauchos begins tomorrow

so, for now, it's their choice of R&R.

Breads with butter.

-Hot scones.

-Hot scones? Oh, lovely.

Jam and chocolate cake, coffee cake,

apple cake, cream cake.

And Welsh cake.

-La cha?

-Gracias.

-Oh, it's very moist. I didn't think...

-Yeah, it's nice.

Oh, that is gorgeous.

"Will you marry me?"

You know me, I love my puddings. That's very nice.

We feel a bit Welsher now, with this weather.

-With the weather and the tea.

-This looks interesting.

It's custard tart, it's what me nan used to call a wet nelly.

-It's cheesecake. There's cheese. What's wrong?

-It's cream.

Excuse me.

It's so unlike you to do that.

John has ingested cream. A substance he neither likes nor ever eats.

You sure your nan didn't call you a wet nelly

after you've had a bit of cream?

See here, you won't get wet nellys much wetter than that.

A large plate of Welsh cakes is the last treat before they're

back in the saddle for three days riding in the mountains.

We can't wait.

Me and Simon were only just saying we can't wait to get

back on a horse and there's no irony or sarcasm in that comment.

Just before I left, I was in Wales, oddly enough.

There was about 12 people in the room and a bloke said,

"Have you ridden before?"

I said, "I've had two lessons." And he went, "You'll be fine."

And the whole place burst out laughing and everyone went...

And I was like, "Ha-ha... Hm, they're right, actually."

It's John and Simon's last night of comfort.

Tomorrow, their new boss will collect them at first light.

Wardrobe, wardrobe. Wardrobe.

-IN CAMP VOICE:

-Sorry, Simon. Let me get the lint roller out.

Yeah, all right, John. That's done. You're done now.

So I've got some wipes in my bag.

There was a bit of a dilemma as what to take, because Simon went,

"Oh, I'll just have me toothbrush and me toothpaste."

But I just put the whole thing in but if I am going to moisturise,

it will be secret, and I will have to go behind a bush because I don't

think the gauchos will take too kindly to a man that moisturises.

What I've tried to do is leave everything from the 21st century

behind, with the exception of one phone to contact my family

if we're lucky enough to get a signal.

Your phone has the whole of the 21st century on it.

I've never seen a phone with so much on it.

It's literally, you can do anything on it.

You can ski on it, you can surfboard on it, it's got 20 different booths

which can change your face to a monkey, into a nun, into a vampire...

The head honcho who'll lead the drive is Alejandro Jones.

-He's very young.

-A fifth-generation Welsh gaucho.

-Bom dia.

-Bom dia.

-Ola.

-He's a young man.

-Alejandro.

-John.

-John?

-Yes.

-Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you. Hello.

-Simon. How you doing?

-Alejandro.

-Hi, how you doing?

-So what do you do for a living?

-I'm an actor.

-Actor?

-Yeah. And comedian.

Yeah, you'd never know it, though.

THEY LAUGH

Alejandro drives John and Simon to the start of the cattle drive,

50 miles south, to land high in the mountains near Corcovado.

It's here that 200 cattle have been grazing on rich summer pastures

but, with winter coming, they must return to the sheltered land

of the family's 300-acre farm at Trevelin.

So, it's a two-hour drive to Corcavado,

but it will be a three-day ride back to Trevelin.

A rugged trail over mountain passes, crossing rivers

and camping in the wilderness.

-So does this land here belong to..?

-To my family, yeah.

-Since my great-grandfather.

-Wow.

Alejandro's ancestry goes back to the very first Welsh settlers.

His great-great-grandfather, John Daniel Evans,

was just five years old when he arrived.

Here we are.

The cattle drive is a vital part of Alejandro's livelihood

so he must be confident that John and Simon are up to the task.

First I'm going to see how they do by the horse.

IN AMERICAN ACCENT: You wanna see my ass?

I'll pass on that one.

They are going to help me or they are going to make me work.

-Let's saddle.

-Saddle up.

-These horses have names?

-Lobito.

-Ah, they have names?

Yes, Lobito is little wolf.

-What's this horses name?

-Oscuro.

-Oscuro?

-Oscuro.

-Means dark.

They'll be riding on traditional gaucho saddles known as recardos.

-A welcome mat?

-Colour coded.

-Yeah.

Gauchos use two layers of sheepskin for extra comfort.

It's not uncommon to ride for ten hours a day.

I hope the horses are strong enough for them.

Because it depends.

I've seen many gauchos, big boys, and not slim at all.

We have tough horses and I hope they match.

Oh, you didn't put an assist stirrup on. OK.

-It's long.

-I have short legs.

The helmets and back protectors, however,

are not standard-issue gaucho kit.

-It's against bullets?

-Yes, as well from...

-It's good to be sure.

-..snipers.

-Yeah.

Come on, girl.

-Boy.

-Boy. Sorry.

You must have the technique for riding to help the horse

and be as one thing, the horse, the saddle, the gaucho.

You don't have to be on the horse like a potato spack.

Say that again?!

-Oh, a potato sack!

-Sack. Sorry, sack.

-Like a potato sack.

-You know, like this.

-Yes, I do.

-Oh, it started coming off.

-What did?

-The saddle.

-Your saddle did?

It started slipping.

They need time in the saddle

and tomorrow we will have too much time all through the day.

Alejandro must collect a few cattle from the woods before the drive

can begin tomorrow so it's the first outing for his full team.

Experienced hands Wanny and Diego and newbies John and Simon.

It's like, "Oh, you've been trained. This is what you're doing."

There's no like, "You're holding your reins too long or do this, do that."

It's like, "You, as far as I'm concerned, are trained.

"Let's get busy."

But I'm just warning you now, don't expect any heroics.

GAUCHOS WHISTLE

DOGS BARK

COWS MOO

It's clear that their horses are more lively than the ones

they trained on in the north.

Hey, hey.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Horses are alive, you know.

You've got to lick them into shape,

otherwise they'll throw you off, man.

That was scary because two things happened.

It hears the dogs bark, it hears the other horses. It's used to going.

They don't know they've got two novices on their backs so soon as

they hear "Whayyyy" and "ruff ruff", off they go and they're like...

-I mean.

-You've got holes like that, you've got uneven territory.

You've got giant moles here that are called tukka-tukka.

Giant moles that dig... Come here, look at this here.

-Yeah, show us some holes.

-Come here.

Massive.

And what happens is the horse puts its foot in that and it goes,

it panics and goes straight into a gallop.

It's about balance, isn't it? And we haven't got that.

You've got to focus for a long time.

I just want to get the confidence I had in the Pampas here.

You won't get the confidence you had in the Pampas if a trail's like that.

We rode up a hill, smooth as smooth.

Rattled by the challenge that lies ahead, there's more disturbing news.

Tonight the sleeping arrangements involve

top and tailing with the herd.

-COWS MOO LOUDLY

-Can you hear this?

I have a point of concern about the proximity of the beast...

-The gush urine.

-..and the proximity of the ear

and the gushing...the gushing flow of the cow through the gap.

I don't really want to be urinated on in the middle of the night.

I'm really concerned though because on this terrain you've got to be

on a horse with all your functions working, all your senses.

If I don't get a night's sleep, I'm going to be very,

very scared on a horse tomorrow.

So after some lamb cooked asado, the traditional gaucho way over

an open fire, John and Simon decide to preserve their energy.

Tonight, they'll have one more good night's sleep in a nearby lodge.

So yeah, we're a bit chipper now

because it's our last night in a warm room.

But tomorrow night we will be sleeping al fresco.

COWS MOO LOUDLY

Early in the morning back at camp

Alejandro runs through what lies ahead for the first day's drive.

We are going, and then this path here...

Heading north through the forest, they'll follow a track

climbing higher all morning

before breaking onto a plateau,

on the far side of which lies the evening's camp.

Roughly a 20-mile trek all in.

That's a good number.

It's supposed a cow can walk eight leagues,

that's 40 kilometres.

OK.

They're pretty fit, them cows.

They know they are going to the better fields in winter.

They know they cannot stay here.

Sometimes we start from here with snow, and that's better

because they want to go.

-They're migrating.

-Yeah.

20 miles.

I mean, I've been probably a mile on a pony trek with the kids

where we're led, if that.

All right?

Hey!

That feels comfy today. That's cos he's not moving yet, isn't it?

-Yeah, it's good.

-Fine?

-Yeah, yeah, good.

For the next three days, this will be John and Simon's world.

200 head of cattle

made up of 100 calves and 100 mums

will be persuaded back to Trevelin

by five horses, five gauchos and eight dogs.

Increasingly, farmers in this area use cattle trucks for such journeys.

Alejandro is one of the few

still moving his cattle

in the traditional way.

-Nice weather!

-Yeah.

Yes, just like Manchester.

-So British, yeah!

-Home from home!

SHOUTING

For the first few hours, all seems to be going to plan.

It's quite tranquil when you're trotting through.

And personally, I can imagine physically,

in terms of the legs, this time tomorrow

it'll be a different kettle of fish.

Yeah, I like when the scenery changes, though.

That track with the low bushes for ages and ages and ages

has become a little bit monotonous.

But it's almost quite meditative.

CATTLE LOW

Saddles need constant tightening.

John's is becoming loose.

It's going so well, isn't it?

I was keeping a few in line and I came off the bank

and I could feel the saddle go, whoop!

But they spot these things in time.

OK.

Simon, full gallop.

You what?

I'm on full gallop.

Cool.

So you know, when it does go to trot,

the impact on the old scrotum is...

Ha-ha!

..it's so full-on.

I have a very small scrotum so I don't have to worry about it.

I've had it shrunk.

For this very purpose. Freeze-dried.

Exactly!

Alejandro calls time for a stop.

MAN CALLS OUT IN SPANISH

Oh!

ALEJANDRO LAUGHS

Ah!

Oy!

Finito, si?

THEY LAUGH

We stay here?

Get wood, fire.

DOG'S BARK ECHOES

OK.

A quick gaucho head count reveals that the team has expanded.

One thing that I found very strange is,

a mystery gaucho would appear from nowhere, next to me.

I'd go, "Who are you?"

A guy who looked like Dom DeLuise appeared, who I'd never seen before,

and then the dogs started to, like, multiply.

I don't know. It's kind of like, "But where did he come from?"

Unlike the vast estancias in the north,

with many thousand head of cattle,

in the foothills of the Andes, cattle farms and their herds

are much smaller, usually just a few hundred.

The three-day cattle drive will go through seven farms in all,

the owners of which are the mystery gauchos,

catching up with Alejandro as he passes through.

It's just occurred to me...

-It's just sort of a neighbourly thing to do.

-How lovely is that?

Not as you might get in the UK -

"Oi, you! Get off moi la-and!"

"Who's built a public footpath here?

"I should have a word with the council."

Alejandro, let me ask you, how are we doing so far?

Forget last night. How are we doing?

Yeah, I couldn't say about last night!

SIMON LAUGHS

I think you are doing OK.

Not bad, is he?

Tomorrow, about half morning, ten o'clock in the morning,

halfway, OK? Let's ride.

Let's ride! Yeah.

Oi!

Sh-sh-sh!

The trail is at its highest point.

At over 1,000 metres, snow is not rare at this time of year.

I'm getting used to the horse

and I think Simon's a bit more confident.

A few thigh problems, apart from that...

..we're all right.

The gauchos and horses keep up the momentum

but it's the noisy pack of dogs that do much of the legwork.

It's a different way of doing things to the gauchos up north

but the challenging terrain here

requires dogs to quickly go where a horse and gaucho can't.

If that dog was in a gang, he'd be the one that would start the fight.

The golden dog.

It nips, it goes for the ankles, and the cow kicks...

DOGS BARK

what if he comes at the horse? Might spook the horses.

He has, hasn't he?

Very aggressive, this one.

Really is.

Keep me away from him.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey, hoi!

-ALL:

-Hey! Ho! Hey! Ho!

MUSIC: "Hip Hop Hooray" by Naughty By Nature

# Hey! Ho!

# Hey! Ho!

# Hey! Ho!... #

HORSE WHINNIES

Horse started to trot.

I came up here...

and the saddle went, and I came off.

On my shoulder.

-HORSE NEIGHS

-Ssh, ssh!

I was just winded, that's all.

Yeah, I was lucky I didn't land on a rock, though.

Bit of adrenaline going, through there.

Let's hope that's the last one.

HE GRUNTS WITH EFFORT

Oh, hang on.

-Muchas gracias.

-No, de nada.

Where you been? You all right?

I had the wind knocked out of me.

The saddle slipped, I fell off.

And then, he's tightened the saddle, I'm back on now.

MAN WHISTLES

So it did its job.

Did its job, back protector. Yeah.

I landed on my shoulder.

Just knocked me for six, though.

Bet it did.

DOGS BARK

The scenery. That's another thing that keeps spurring you on.

You hit the brow of a hill then you get to the other side

and then there's this incredible plateau

or an amazing valley

or there's snow-capped mountains

or some amazing, you know, autumnal colours in a forest.

Those kind of things keep you going.

I tell you what, it looked amazing. I was at the back there.

And then the black of the cows

and the russets and the burgundies

and the almost lime-greens of the foliage

and then seeing the riders, and it was great!

John and Simon have been riding today for ten hours.

With the correct embrocation I'll be all right.

Ooh!

-After a well-deserved supper...

-It's just sausage. I just love sausages.

..they muck in with the chores,

building a good fire for the night.

-It's a bit green that, innit?

-Yeah.

A mixture of live and dead, wasn't it, that one?

It's kind of like a zombie tree.

All five gauchos will share a home-made tent tonight, as is

their way, constructed from a large stick and some tarpaulin.

No, it doesn't look particularly appealing...

Oh, I just want to lie down somewhere.

-I know, so do I.

-I'm so tired.

I'm just going to do it here.

-It's quite comfy.

-Anything's comfy.

When I was...semi-homeless, I slept on an engine in a car.

I was so tired. I'd been walking and walking.

I got into a Bedford van and there was really no room.

There was an old engine and I just lay on top of the engine,

the carburettor. Like that. I slept for about an hour. It's horrible.

You think people are going to come out and go, "What are you doing?"

-Really?

-I slept in a garage once and a bloke came to get his car

and I went, "Morning," like that. Just walked out.

-What, did he chase you?

-No. He just stared at me. "Morning."

-You expect to see a tramp. Not a

-BEEP

-22-year-old

in Levi's Sta-Prest and moccasins.

I went, "Morning," and just strolled off.

So, you'd think this would be a piece of piss for me.

Gauchos use every part of their saddles to make comfortable beds.

Couldn't get... Couldn't get Mo Farah on that.

LAUGHTER

This is a truly traditional cattle drive.

But as modern herding with trucks becomes the norm,

ancient gaucho customs are in decline.

For now, Alejandro

and his team still do things the old-fashioned way.

Comrades around the campfire at the end of a long day in the saddle.

HE SINGS:

APPLAUSE

-Blimey.

-Follow that.

-Yes, exactly, we won't be singing.

LAUGHTER

-Fantastic.

-Very good.

-Very passionate.

Good...good voice as well.

That kind of song that you don't... you lose that in the cities.

You have to go back to people like the Pearly Kings,

who are Cockneys. They would sing "Maybe it's because I'm a Londoner."

You have to go back to the war. The communities in...

It doesn't really exist, that kind of pride.

If it was like this we might have the songs still but...

you know what I mean?

-Yeah, I know.

-Which is a shame, but...

-That's the way it is rarely.

-Do you know Mah Na Mah Na?

The Muppets?

Do you know Mah Na Mah Na...boo-boo ba-doo-ba.

# Mah na mah na, boo-boo da-boo

# Mah na mah na, boo-boo ba-do-do... #

-There you go.

-You know this?

-It's a bit different.

He sang a song about place, passion and pride.

And you're singing a puppet song!

Well, I'm trying to kind of put hands across the ocean.

I'm just trying...I'm just seeing how well travelled the Muppets are, and they are.

LAUGHTER

Do you want that, Tom? Here we go.

Ooh, it's a bit chilly.

If I snore...too bad.

-Because I can't hear myself. You must tell me.

-I'll nudge you.

I don't know where to go from here so I'll just nudge you.

-Good night.

-Good night, Simon.

-Good night, John-Boy, and all that.

Good night, Jim Bob.

LAUGHTER It's like Glasto, isn't it?

It gets cold in the Andes at this time of year.

Last night it was minus four degrees centigrade.

It was quite nice having all the bodies by the side of me,

believe it or not. I got a bit cold and John snored a bit.

Then it would come and go and I would lie awake trying not to snore

by going...

I have slept.

And I don't ache as much as I thought I would from the horses.

I may hurt here when I get on.

Luckily I feel OK, but I have taken 12 Temazepam.

It's time to hit the trail.

Last night's singing gaucho is the hot topic of the morning.

-Alejandro took to the guitar.

-Basically like Cat Stevens.

And sang his own original compositions which completely

blew everybody away.

Are you all right, Simon? Lean back into it.

IMITATING RACING COMMENTATOR: Here he comes, it's Lobito ridden by Simon Day. Coming through between...

THEY LAUGH

Everybody seems more relaxed today.

-Sorry?

-The cows seem more relaxed.

Oh, they're tired, right.

LAUGHTER

Today will be the most challenging section of the drive.

There are another 20 miles to travel and ahead of them

lie a swamp, the Bagillt river, and a steep descent to the campsite.

-Go together and they'll be more confident.

-It's Laurel And Hardy.

With the sun beaming, the mood is good

and the gauchos are enjoying the ride.

-Of course.

-Both John and Simon are recovering alcoholics.

John's been dry for seven years, Simon for just six months.

I'm not drinking at all so that... that's not something I'm particularly comfortable with

when I'm abroad because normally when I go abroad I smash myself to pieces.

Exactly.

Yeah?

The problem is, with going away,

you've kind of got the freedom to stray.

So, it's a lot tougher, especially in early recovery,

to behave yourself. But I think Simon's doing exceptionally well.

I mean, when I stop drinking, I don't...

I'm never going to do it again, but it is a daily thing and if you don't

do it daily, at some point you will maybe have a drink, who knows?

The trail is challenging, at times steep, uneven and boggy.

But Alejandro's newest gauchos are starting to gain in confidence.

For someone who, two days ago, was terrified of the new terrain,

I speak for me and Simon, I think we're doing remarkably well really.

I'm very much aware that I'll always get a bit cocky

and fall off the horse, which I don't want to do.

I want to get through without falling off a horse.

I'm a better horseman than I was.

What I've started to do is to kind of break it up a bit,

is get a bit more maverick and go...

go all the places where the senior gauchos go,

in the bushes and get scratched a bit, you know?

Just to break it really.

You get those moments where you go, wow, look at this,

it's incredible, we're so lucky, it's amazing.

And then you have sort of an hour or 15 minutes of just...

a trench and the horses and the cows.

You've actually got to focus and concentrate. It's very tiring.

If you didn't have to concentrate it wouldn't be as tiring.

It's one o'clock.

They're scheduled to stop for lunch in half an hour

but suddenly they hit marshland.

Cows become trapped and start to panic.

HORSE WHINNIES

And even experienced riders like Diego struggle to keep

their horses safe.

The point where we got stuck today was in a bog.

Massive swamp marsh type thing.

And I saw a cow go, "moo". Up to its neck.

And then I realised, for a novice gaucho, this is not

the kind of place I should be venturing.

Hey, don't pass there. It's a broken bridge.

As more and more cows get into trouble, they start to scatter.

Separated from the herd and spooked,

the gauchos have a massive job to bring them back under control.

Be really quiet, please.

It's been a terrible couple of hours.

The animals and gauchos are exhausted.

Drastically behind schedule, they finally roll in for lunch.

Has it changed from a lovely adventure to hard work?

Erm...

Yeah.

HE LAUGHS

That hiccup in the swamp kind of just pushed things

just that bit too long.

No, it's hard work, yeah.

But, you know, it's part of the...

it was part of the... It was in the brochure.

I didn't study the brochure that hard, which is probably

one of my failings in life.

Now I'm really starting to hate cows with a vengeance.

I really don't like them.

Plus we're not sleeping.

I mean, last night I was next to John, who readily admits

snores quite a lot.

I'm a very light sleeper.

My wife will be laughing about this bit.

He's being put in a tent away from everyone else because of his snoring.

I think he's feeling really bad about that.

I'm going to be there with a ruler. At least 12 foot.

I don't think that's enough.

Tonight's campsite is still eight miles away

and daylight is in short supply. Even Alejandro's getting tense.

We have four hours to go

and it's already four o'clock in the afternoon

so, we'll be arriving, without problems, by eight,

so it's getting dark at seven, so we are late.

Oy!

It's already dusk as they near the biggest river

they'll cross in the three days. The Bagillt river.

Oi. Your horse just booted me. Come on.

Hey! This way.

But soon there's yet another unscheduled stop

and frustration builds.

What's happening? They never tell you what's happening.

-It's not mine.

-Oh, they're separating?

As the drive passes through other farmers' land,

it's easy to pick up a tag-along.

We need another man, two more men.

But extracting the unwanted cow from Alejandro's 200 takes half an hour.

-Right, it's honesty time, right. This is becoming hellish.

-Yes.

-It really is.

-You told us...

The thought of, like, how long we're out here for,

it's like when you go deep sea fishing and you see

a marlin on the wall and you go, "What if we catch one of those?"

They went, "It takes 24 hours to land it," and you go,

"What if we're in the boat?" They go...

-BLOWS RASPBERRY

-That's what it's like.

I like to know exactly what's happening.

I like to know if we're going through a river.

I don't like surprises, hate them.

Hate surprises.

And then Alejandro's head count of the herd reveals they're one down.

-One missing.

-Oh, no.

-Yeah.

-What do we do?

-We just leave, we are late.

-We leave it?

-Yes.

The cow is left behind but, with only 200 in the entire herd,

any lost represent a sizeable financial hit.

Around £500.

-Do you know what, Alejandro? I hate these

-BLEEP

-cows now.

HE LAUGHS

Soon it's pitch black.

And night vision is the only way to see the cattle drive.

There's a bit of jeopardy involved now.

MEN WHISTLE AND CALL

Stop doing the thistles!

Tomorrow's finish line at Trevelin is temptingly in the distance...

..but it's still 12 miles and another night outdoors away.

Two hours later, they finally reach tonight's campsite.

-That wasn't scary.

-No.

That was fun.

You know me, I'm a self-deprecating man,

we have both really come on as riders.

We have, and that's that.

Oi! Oi, oi, oi, oi!

11 hours in the saddle.

It doesn't feel like it.

It's been a gruelling day, even for the real gauchos.

How is your body?

-My body is old.

-Old. Your brain?

-My brain is confused.

-Confused.

-Yeah, but sorry about your cow, I hope we'll find it.

-Yes, I hope so.

I just think I heard the calf calling the mother.

-Oh, really?

-In the corral.

-Wow!

-Yeah.

-Thank you, mate.

-Good night, sleep well.

-Thank you, everybody.

-Thank you for today.

-Chaps, good night.

Sleep well.

Three weeks away

and a marathon of a day have taken their toll on Simon.

I miss my family, I miss the kids, I miss my missus.

You don't miss your water until your well runs dry, as they say.

Love, I suppose it is. You're missing that, aren't you?

-Good night, Simon.

-Good night, John.

-Good night.

-Thanks very much. Sleep well.

-Sleep well.

For the benefit of Simon, who hasn't slept for almost 40 hours,

tonight he's in his own tent.

Also in his own tent, a full 12 feet away,

is John Thompson.

Good night. Hopefully I'll sleep well.

COWS MOO

SNORING

Soon the only sounds are a snoring gaucho

and a calf in the corral,

calling for its missing mother.

But in the dead of night she arrives.

Finally calf and mum are reunited.

At first light the time has come for Simon

to deal with a pressing concern,

one he's been putting off for a while.

What if it doesn't come out?

You can tell by the way he's walking.

I don't know if that is from the riding or the need to go.

Today is the final stage of the cattle drive.

Confidence is high but both John and Simon know

there hasn't always been great faith in their gaucho potential.

You know the, er... the gaucho in Corrientes,

the guy who taught us, he said "They won't be able to do it."

He said we won't do this.

-He said we wouldn't make it.

-We won't make it.

Well, I would say the same thing two days before.

-Really?

-Yes.

When I saw you the first time on the horses...

-Yes.

-Yes.

-You were worried?

Yes. And you didn't come with me, yes...

to get the cows the first time.

I was worried about the ending.

We were worried!

-That is too much thinking and not enough riding.

-Yes, too much this.

Not enough that.

-But I think you did great.

-So far, so good.

-Yes.

-Not finished yet.

-No. Almost there.

There are still ten miles to go

before the cattle is safely home in Trevelin.

And after the exertions of yesterday,

and another night outdoors, our heroes are running on empty.

I think we've just worn each other out, really.

It's hard to come up with a topic that kind of

holds mutual interest any more.

Do you know if you go to Southend-on-Sea,

there's four Wimpys.

-Are there?

-Yes, four.

One minute he's doing funny voices and doing bits out of films

and I'm like, "Oh, God! I just want to be quiet."

And the next minute he's been quiet and I'm going, "You all right?"

It's been 20 years since John and Simon have been away together for this long.

We're both the same, we're both very childish,

we're both a bit moany.

It'd be the same with anyone, anyone you go away with,

the bad parts of their personality come up.

So what do you do if you're filming with someone

and you get absolutely sick of them?

-And you just, "I don't want to hear another word out of his

-BLEEP

-mouth,"

-what do you do then?

-You stop swearing.

What do you mean?

Don't worry about me swearing on camera, John!

-You worry about a lot of things I do.

-You do!

Well, don't worry about it.

I don't want you to come over as some sort of yobbo.

-Don't worry about how I come over, John.

-OK, mate.

I don't like to be told anything about myself, OK?

-I go to meetings for that. Nor do you.

-I don't mind.

-You do.

-Like what?

-Well, I don't want to do it because you'll get upset.

-Go on.

No, it's not my job to do that. It is not my job to judge you.

-You've changed, mate.

-Have I?

-Yes, you've changed, mate.

-How?

A bright young man to a drug addict.

THEY LAUGH

Me and Simon's friendship is safe.

Don't get me wrong, it's not John. Sometimes John's been my salvation.

One, two, three, four.

# This town

# Ah-ah

# It's coming like a ghost town

# All the clubs have been closed down

# This place

# It's coming like a ghost town

# Bands won't play no more

# Too much fighting on the dance floor

# Aaah-aah-aaah

# Aah-aah, aah-aah, aah-aah

# Aaah-aaah

# Ah-na-na-na-na, na-na... #

As they reach the outskirts of Trevelin,

the trail becomes smoother and it's downhill all the way.

The gaucho way is that.

-Or that.

-That's the show, that.

This? What, this?

It's just this. Right.

COWS MOO

There's now only half a mile to go.

THEY SPEAK IN SPANISH

Hey! Hey!

-Hey-hey-hey!

-Hey!

'It's not really hit me yet.

'It's incredible what we've done, really.

'It's amazing what we've achieved.'

'It took a lot out of me, the actual ride.

'I was running on bravado and sort of adrenaline towards the end.'

Hey! Hey!

After three days and 50 miles,

the cows have come home to the sheltered winter pastures

of the family's farm.

I'm tired but I feel good. Happy.

We've finished!

-Very good.

-Thank you.

-Very good.

When we got that field, I had no idea.

I thought we'd be at a big farm and it'd be...

# There'll be a welcome in the hillside... #

You know, people...

A male voice choir singing, and Welsh cakes presented to us

and it was just... an ordinary field.

No finish line, no cheers, nothing.

WHISTLING

-Here we are, done it.

-Here we are.

Let's go back. Let's go back, yeah?

-To the beginning and do it all again.

-Yeah.

'The only thing that saved the final...arrival at the field

'was me dismounting.

'And being trodden on.'

That's good telly, innit?

-You all good?

-Yeah, I'm fine.

-And the leg?

-Yeah, it's all right.

-No, it didn't hurt.

-OK.

-It's OK.

Yeah, mate. Thanks very much, Lobito.

You are what they call a rock.

Oscuro, my four-legged friend.

The horses did everything for us.

They're remarkable animals.

To do that, to take two lumps like us, with very little training,

and carry us for 26 hours, they were remarkable.

See you then, my friend.

He made up for all our deficiencies.

What I want to know is how he could do all that -

all he ate was about 12 thistles.

And he... Where do they get the muscles from?

Just proves the vegetarian diet works, doesn't it?

-Thank you much.

-Yes, I'll see you later.

-Yeah.

-Fantastic, thank you.

-Well...

-It's the best thing I've ever done.

-No, it was.

-Thank you.

-I think you did great.

-Thank you.

-All the best, mate. Thanks.

-You're welcome.

You're a big boy, yes.

THEY LAUGH

For John and Simon, it's the end of their gaucho adventure.

LAUGHTER

# Ai-ai-ai... #

'I found parts of this journey quite spiritual, really.

'To be in the mountains, it's nice just to...

'be at one with nature.'

'It's enjoyable, living that lifestyle,

'and I was amazed how much I enjoyed being round the animals,

'cos I'm not really a big animal person.

'If you certainly asked people, they'd say,

'"Ooh, no, he's not an animal person, he doesn't even like dogs."'

HE LAUGHS

'I think it's done me a power of good.

'I'd like to go home and hope my dear wife and family

'sort of see a kind of positive change, you know?'

'You know, they do live a very, very traditional lifestyle.

'They have their horses, they have their work.

'You know, I felt it was very real, they love that life.

'They didn't want to be anywhere else.'

SINGING IN SPANISH: