The Last Splash Timothy Spall: All at Sea

'The seas around Britain can be terrifying.'

Want a sandwich?

'Over the last six years, I've been chugging through them in a barge.

'I'm Timothy Spall.

'With my wife Shane, I'm close to completing our odyssey

'around the British Isles.

'We've tackled some raging seas.' Hold on, Shane - hold on, hold on.

'Had some bumps and scrapes...'

BANGING

'We've travelled almost 2,000 miles,

'visiting every country in the United Kingdom.

'In this final leg,

'we're heading back home to London via the Thames Estuary.

'notorious for dangerous sandbanks and huge tankers.'

This is where we started out.

'It's an emotional journey as we return to the place where our adventures began.'

We're going round in a circle again!

'That's of course... if we can find it.'

-We heading for a big barge, Timmy - can you see that?

-What?

CRASH

# Somewhere at sea. #

'We're only 100 miles from London,

'heading down the east coast of England towards the Thames Estuary.'

Just a gentle, lazy swell. To remind you that you're on the sea.

I asked for it, I prayed for it - I ordered this. I ordered it up.

I requested it. From above - please, please - give me just a gentle day.

'15 years ago, I was seriously ill with leukaemia -

'it nearly killed me.

'But in surviving,

'I was left with irresistible urge to live on the sea.'

It wasn't till I was ill, obviously,

that part of the keeping myself sane

during that was thinking about what I would do if and when I recovered.

That's when I started to feel the call of the sea.

The one thing I wish I had done though...

It's...

Cos it's a compulsion,

I just wish that my nerves hadn't increased in my experience.

I can't quite explain that.

It's probably as my mother said of her mother, "I can't help it,

"it's the way my mother put my hat on".

'The Thames Estuary is the part of the North Sea that feeds

'the River Thames.

'It's one of the largest estuaries in Britain and we're entering it

'at its northernmost tip - Felixstowe.

'Because the estuary is the entrance to one of Europe's biggest cities,

'it's a magnet for cargo ships.'

Look at that. Flipping Oxford Street going into port.

'Felixstowe docks - the busiest in Britain.

'40% of the country's imports and exports pass through here.

'They're even expanding the docks

'so they can take ships that carry 18,000 of those containers.'

Shotley Point Marina, Shotley Point Marina,

Shotley Point Marina, this is the Princess Matilda, over.

'Matilda is no match for ships of that size.

'So we're heading across the bay to the relatively tranquil

'Shotley Marina.'

Hi, Thames coastguard - Princess Matilda,

as instructed, we're reporting our safe arrival in Shotley Marina.

-Thank you very much, Thames. Nice to be back in the Thames.

-Hello, Thames!

Nice to be back in the Thames after our circumnavigation and this is

the first time I've called Thames, so thank you very much. Over.

'Thames, Roger. I do recognise the voice. OK then. Thames out.

Right.

-That was nice.

-Yeah.

HE DOES IMPRESSION OF RADIO CONVERSATION

'Shotley was once the home to HMS Ganges -

'a wooden warship that was used as a training vessel for Navy recruits.

'At the turn of the century, the whole area was turned into

'a training ground until 1976, when it was closed and became this marina.'

This is all the Ganges site.

Behind those trees of the old mast, where the boys climb the top.

-You get the button boy at the top.

-Really?

This is actually the old running track,

which was low and they just dug it out a bit more, built the lock, there you go.

'Over 150,000 Navy recruits learned their craft here.

'But today, we got our own recruit.'

Frankie!

-'Our dear friend, and fellow actor - Frances Barber.'

-Morning!

-Where did the cab driver drop you off, Felixstowe?

-At the shipwreck!

'She's never been on Matilda before,

'but she's enrolled to come with us all the way back to London.'

It's so much bigger than I imagined, because on the sea,

when you are passing huge boats, you look like a dinky toy.

Miniscule, I know.

Then when you're on it, it's actually enormous.

We're going to introduce you to the sea in a very light way,

were only going to go 7½ miles today.

We come out into the sea here,

go into a place called the Walton Backwaters.

-I want an idyll.

-We want an idyll.

We want a bucolic, maritime idyll.

'The River Thames may be our final destination,

'but the estuary stretches across three counties.'

This is the Thames Estuary?

-The beginning of the Thames Estuary, yeah.

-I thought we were in Suffolk.

We are. We're going to be in Essex in a minute. Look...

Where are we?

Up here.

-There's Margate.

-Oh...

-So we're here.

-That is the beginning of the Thames Estuary.

-Wow!

We are a tiny little island, aren't we?

'The Walton Backwaters are a complete contrast to Felixstowe.

'There's 7,000 acres of mudflats with a protected nature reserve.'

Those are old wrecks, look. The old wrecks - barges, there.

'Sunken barges like these were the inspiration for Arthur Ransome,

'author of Swallows And Amazons,

'to set some of his children's books here.'

We're on. We're here.

'He sailed around the Walton Backwaters in his cutter,

'the Nancy Blackett, in 1938

'and very little has changed here since then.'

I think it's lovely. I think it's a really interesting place.

And the interesting thing about the estuary...

This is all the entrance to one of the biggest metropolises...

Don't forget London, 100 years ago, was the centre of the world.

All these little places here, all these places - Felixstowe,

where we've just been, Margate...

All these places have made their name and have created

their wealth through being the gateway

to the largest city of the Empire.

'Soon, we'll be going back to London too.

'But while we're here, I want to walk along the prom.'

'We're leaving Matilda to explore Walton on the Naze,

'which in Victorian times was a rival to Blackpool.'

Someone braving the sea!

'People flocked here

'to sample the fresh air and one of the longest piers in Britain.

'When the war came, it was heavily bombed

'and the pier almost destroyed.

'By the time it had got back on its feet,

'people were holidaying abroad.'

Look, I mean... It's August.

It's the middle of the English tourist season,

the kids are on holiday.

It's like... It's like Dodge City after everybody's gone.

Do you think when the sun comes out, there's people in there,

going, "ha ha!"

It's a lovely place, but what is very encouraging is the sea -

it looks good to me.

I want to get back and get going.

'We're heading just 25 miles down the coast to Brightlingsea, Essex.

'We're passing a town that reminds me of my seaside holidays.'

Clacton used to have Butlins holiday camp.

I've still got a badge somewhere in a drawer,

19...62 or something.

'Four years earlier, in 1958,

'the Butlins here is where Cliff Richard played his first gig.

'Shame I missed it.

'Mind you, I was just a baby then,

'so my mum would have left me in the chalet.'

They had nannies who cycled around the chalets and listened.

There was a thing in the corner - it would come up

and say, "baby crying in chalet six".

"Excuse me, excuse me... I think that's us."

It's amazing. When you think of what an innocent age we lived in.

Innocent Clacton, gone for ever.

Just before.

SEAGULLS CRY

'Before we went to sea, we were moored in Chatham,

'on the banks of the River Medway in Kent.

'We spent many months here, daring ourselves to go out into the sea.

'Six years later, I'm preparing to return there

'and complete my circumnavigation of Britain.'

We used to go out into this body of water here. All this is water.

These dark bits are sandbanks - loads of them.

It's up here where we first ran aground.

'I need to plan this route carefully and quickly.

'I don't want to get there in the dark.'

Ship ahoy, darling.

'But I have more to worry about than plotting the route.

'For this special journey, we've enlisted another recruit.'

-Here he is.

-Where's the Spall? Darling!

'Rennie is my best and one of my oldest friends.

'While it's great to see him, I've got to get planning.'

-I'm going to ignore you, cos I've got things to do.

-Don't look at him.

'Not so easy with so many people on board.'

-I don't know where I got it from.

-I thought it was the beginning of a tattoo or something.

Cos it looks very sort of symmetrical.

My godson.

Who is a Hollywood star-to-be.

Did you have a nice time, darling?

-I did.

-Stop talking to Rennie, Tim.

-Don't talk to me.

-We'll have a drink.

'I've not had enough time to plot the last part of my course.

'We should have left half an hour ago.'

-This is driving me nuts, all I've got to do is this.

-Right, we're getting ready to roll.

'As we head off for the last leg, right on cue,

'my fear of the sea kicks in.'

HE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

I'm at the end of my tether, I'm nearly gone.

I've got about that much... Only Shane is keeping...

Only Shane is keeping my nerve.

'The good news is that it's only 40 miles

'from Brightlingsea to Chatham.'

Don't want any big ships coming in or out...

'The bad news is,

'I have to get my timing spot-on to stand any chance of beating the tide.

'This estuary has some of the fastest tidal movements in Britain,

'which can catch unwary mariners by surprise.'

That out there - those eerie-looking masts sticking out of the water,

surrounded by buoys.

That's the wreck of the USS General Montgomery.

Not only is it a very eerie thing, it's very bloody dangerous.

It's got 1,800 tonnes of unexploded bombs on it

from the Second World War.

Evidently, if it went up,

it would take a quarter of the Isle of Sheppey with it!

They leave it where it is because it keeps it cool.

Too dangerous to move.

'The mouth of the Medway is a centre of industry,

'with huge power stations and considerable shipping traffic.'

I cannot believe, Shane...

-I cannot BELIEVE...

-What?

-We are actually back here.

This is where we started out.

'We're entering what feels like a big lake -

'10 square miles of water surrounded by land.

'I need to find Chatham on the narrow part of the river...

'But the light is fading fast.'

It's such a huge place, you can't actually see where you're heading.

I didn't put this part of our journey into my navigation system.

It's all about memory now... which doesn't seem to be working.

It's been six years since we've been here. I can't remember it.

Yes, you can.

That's Gillingham up there.

-So, we're going to be going that way.

-Are you sure?

No. It's totally alien, basically.

-But we used to live here!

-I know!

-Now, I can't remember where we are.

Well, it says... It says, "You're here."

Yeah, we are here!

'I'm starting to get even more nervous.

'I don't know where we are but I do recognise this feeling of dread.'

Right, now, I've got to really keep my wits about me, now.

I'm being very careful

because there are massive sandbanks either side of here.

'It feels pretty close to where we once ran aground,

'too close for comfort.'

Right, OK, OK. Right.

Where are you going now, Tim? You're going backwards.

'I don't want the sea to beat me right at the end of this adventure.

'I just need five minutes to plot a course and we'll be out of here in no time.'

Concentrate.

Concentrate.

I am lost, actually.

Right, well, let's call the Coastguard, love,

and get someone to take us to Chatham, shall we?

Before it is too late. We're going around in circles.

We're getting totally confused, darling.

I always said we would never call the Coastguard,

we'd never call the bloody lifeboat out, didn't I?

I've always said that.

Because we have been going around in circles for an hour and a half.

Yeah, but if you just be quiet, I'll try and work it out.

We've been trying to work it out, Timmy, for an hour and a half.

-No, we haven't.

-It's getting dark. Just call the Coastguard.

What do you want we to do? Call the Coastguard...

-Hold that for a second, please.

-..please.

If I follow the lights on the buoys,

maybe they will guide me towards Chatham.

-That light, there.

-Yes, that light.

-No, this light?

Yes, straight ahead.

'The problem is, there are too many blinking lights.'

I'm completely confused. Where am I?

I don't know what I'm doing here.

-Why isn't this working?

-I don't know, I don't know, we're confused.

There's too many lights. We're completely confused.

Follow the yacht.

-What yacht?

-The one with the light on.

-The yacht there.

What yacht? You don't know where he's going.

We're heading for a big barge. Timmy, can you see that?

-What? What?

-We're heading for a big barge.

-What barge?

-There!

Will you please call the Coastguard?

'As captain of the ship, I know what is best. And it's time for action.'

-Right, OK, I'm going to take a decision now.

-Good.

Right, I've made a decision, now.

Thames Coastguard, Thames Coastguard,

Thames Coastguard, this is the Princess Matilda over.

'Princess Matilda, this is Thames coastguard.'

We're a little bit lost, actually.

We're in the Medway and we're trying to find our way down to,

-um, uh...

-Chatham.

-Chatham Marina.

We got a bit lost and we're, uh,...

-And it's dark.

-It's dark and we've... My wife said it is dark.

'We've requested a boat to come and assist you

'so they can guide you towards Chatham.'

'The lifeboat is coming to rescue us.'

Have you got glasses? Glasses, anybody?

'I should be as happy as Frankie and Shane

'but my heart feels as if it has just hit a sandbank.'

My one desire, never to call the lifeboat out,

has just been completely destroyed.

I used to think I knew what I was doing.

Hello, guys. I'm so sorry to call you out.

I said I would never do this.

I don't know what it is.

I'm either an idiot or I don't know where I'm going.

-Well, we can't comment on that one!

-Oh, you can't comment on that!

'One of the crew comes on board and shows me

'just how far off course I am.

'So far off course, they're not taking us to Chatham.

'Instead, we're going to nearby Queenborough.'

I mean, I don't mind making a dick of myself

but I don't like to inconvenience people.

So, I do appreciate your wonderful work

and I'm sorry I had to call you out.

The positive side of it is that we met you.

We met you and you're lovely people.

That's where we... That's where we got lost.

And do you know, interestingly enough,

we got lost there

and the first time I ever ran aground was there.

I just lost it, I lost it.

-It was dark.

-I lost it, Shane, I was useless.

-There were too many lights.

It was disconcerting. We were going around in circles, we were lost.

'The plan is to get Matilda to Chatham today.

'It's only five miles away but it feels like 500.'

I don't think I've got it in me, Shane.

-Yes, you have.

-I haven't. I've had enough.

No, love, you're going to get us to London.

-I've had enough.

-When you get us to London, you can have enough. Not now.

You're going to take us to Chatham.

I've lost faith in myself so many times in these six years at sea

but somehow, Shane never seems to.

My first instinct this morning was, no, let him stay in bed,

let him stay in bed and he'd fester and he would worry

and have a nervous breakdown.

So, I thought it was best for us to get back out

and up on the river and get back him into the saddle.

Things like this knock his confidence

but he's done the whole of the British Isles, you know.

He's made one mistake, once. We've only had one shout.

SHE KNOCKS ON WOOD

We were just dazzled.

'In the light of day, I recognise everything so clearly.

'This is where my favourite writer Charles Dickens set the meeting

'between Pip and Magwitch in his classic Great Expectations.'

You can feel it in his writing, this area.

It's full of demons and poltergeists

and wicked fairies and kind fairies.

The ultimate example of that is Magwitch, isn't he?

He is both good and bad because he's like the criminal

but the one you fear and loathe as a child

turns out to be his benefactor.

'It's exactly the type of scenery that inspired me

'to explore my country in the first place.'

The mix between rural beauty and industrial endeavour.

There's something so... quintessentially British about it.

But if it wasn't for hulking great boats like that

and power stations like that and, you know,

erm... rivers like this,

we wouldn't be the international success that we are,

punching way above our weight, would we?

That's what makes Britain a wonderful place.

# I'm in hopes you'll think it over

# And perhaps be satisfied

# With a simple sort of person

# On the sentimental side. #

There's Chatham.

'As we approach Chatham, more memories come flooding back.'

'It's so full of maritime history here.

'It's the birthplace of so many famous and heroic ships.'

Chatham Historical Dockyard, there.

-That is where they built the HMS Victory.

-Is it?

-This is where Nelson left before the Battle of Trafalgar.

-Really?

And this is St Mary's Island which was a prison colony.

It's a place of melancholy and misery.

Later on, maybe we'll have a walk.

'For Shane and me,

'this place has an extra special and personal heritage.

'When we left here all that time ago,

'I never dreamt we'd actually do it.'

Are you all right?

Yeah. No, it's just really emotional because we just spent

so much time here and knew it so well

and now, we're back, now.

We used to come along this jetty every night

and go to that pub over there.

So, it's a bit weird.

You're in tears.

We're back.

We're here now. We've done it, we're back!

'Shane and I have travelled nearly two and a half thousand miles

'around the United Kingdom.'

I feel like Marco Polo, Francis Drake, Dame Ellen MacArthur.

'We've moored in 91 ports, visited four countries

'and made it back in one piece.

'Just about.'

Look, a dolphin!

-Where?

-Look!

-He's got it!

'At the end of this wonderful journey, there is one last stop.

'Back home to London.'

To the right of Canary Wharf. We can see the Dome!

We can see the Dome!

Skip with this lovely old bugger around Britain.

You know, a lot has happened in that time.

Two of our kids have got married. One has had a baby.

They have both bought their own houses.

Shane has written a book, she's got a publishing deal.

I've gone insane.

It's quite a lot to take on.

But it's been astounding.

Baptism of fire every day, to a certain degree.

The one thing that, erm, I didn't fully realise,

how connected it is,

how absolutely connected it is to what happened to me when I was ill.

What happened to me 15 years ago, going on 16,

is still with me in my soul.

And this, with Shane,

and our friends and with you has either been a celebration

of life or two fingers up to the fact that it tried to go away.

It is both a celebration

and a spit in the eye of the audacity of fate trying to kill me.

So we went out and tried to kill ourselves!

# Heaven

# I'm in heaven

# And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak

# And I seem to find the happiness I seek

# When we're out together dancing cheek to cheek. #

Waiting to greet us are close friends and family,

including our granddaughter Matilda.

With an audience on the pontoon, I better not cock this up.

Now do that. Now press that button.

There.

THEY CHEER

'We've taken the temperature of the British Isles.

'The British people and the feeling of the place

'is still incredibly healthy.'

Ooh!

'It's a great place and I wouldn't want to live anywhere else.'

-Cheers.

-Just don't tell your mum.

-Cheers, cheers, cheers.

-Cheers.

-Cheers.

-Cheers.

# When shall I see my lover come home from the sea?

# Hurry to me, great liner

# For you can make my dreams come true

# Wherever you be

# Answer my plea

# Somewhere at sea. #