Episode 1 Apple Tree Yard


Episode 1

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Transcript


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This programme contains scenes of sexual violence, some strong language

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and some scenes of a sexual nature

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Before I met you, I was a civilised woman.

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Civilised.

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Now, I don't even know what that means.

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Food, shelter, sex -

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once those needs are covered, we can pretend we're in control.

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That the lives we build keep us human.

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But, really, we're all just animals.

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You know how I know that?

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Fear.

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SCREECHING, SHE GASPS

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Fear for your life.

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Once you've felt that,

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everything else -

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all this so-called civilisation...

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..it's a dream.

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You've taught me that, my love.

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Would the defendant please stand?

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'Fear makes animals of us all.'

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BELL CHIMES

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In terms of our research, we're pushing at frontiers

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and there are bound to be anxieties around that - I do understand.

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But, to be frank, most of those anxieties are completely unfounded.

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-MAN:

-So everything we're hearing about Frankenfoods...?

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They're still foods and how they're processed and regulated,

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that's crucial, obviously.

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But that's a question for Government or business, not science.

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Listen, the more we learn about DNA,

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the more avenues there are for gene therapy,

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which could lead to the eradication

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of genetically-based illness

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and that has to be a tremendous positive.

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But you can reassure us, professor,

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no ten-foot mice on the cards,

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or triangular cows?

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The work we're doing is never going to result in corn with udders.

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LAUGHTER

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Hi, it's me. Just to say they're done with me, so you don't need

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to be home in time for the Tesco delivery...

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Um, that's it.

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Oh, and I'll cook, by the way. See ya.

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We won't be seeing you this afternoon, then,

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Professor Carmichael?

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No. David moved up the technology questions

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-so that I'd be finished by lunchtime.

-Oh.

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Efficiency in the civil service -

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-there's a novelty.

-SHE LAUGHS

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-Hi.

-Anything else?

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Uh, no, that's it, thank you.

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-You were very articulate in there, professor.

-Thanks.

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The first time I've ever understood what a genome is.

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Oh, good! Um, well, I do... I do a lot of lecturing,

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but it's not professor, actually.

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Ah.

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-That's more American, is it?

-Exactly, yes.

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I get that because of the mad scientist thing.

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You know, Nutty Professor.

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Right, well, I can see, obviously, you're deranged.

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SHE LAUGHS

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So have you appeared in front

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of the Select Committee before?

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A couple of times, actually, yes.

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Governments get really het up about genetics,

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whichever lot are in, you know, modification, cloning.

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Do you get nervous, speaking in front of a group of people like that?

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I only say that because you didn't seem it at all.

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-Didn't I?

-No, not at all.

-Um...

-Thanks, Nick.

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No, I suppose I don't, really.

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Well, not in front of MPs anyway.

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THEY LAUGH

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-I think I know more about it than they do.

-Right. Yeah, well,

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you know, that's a relief cos I'd be worried to think

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that MPs set themselves up as experts on anything.

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Are you allowed to say that in here?

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Oh, off the record you are, yeah. Yeah.

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Well, all right.

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-That's me.

-Oh...

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..have you seen the Chapel in the Crypt?

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No.

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Wait one second.

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PHONE ALERT CHIMES

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Sorted.

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Just remind me to give those back to Martha afterwards

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cos my life will not be worth living, even if you are a VIP.

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SO are you OK for time?

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-Uh, yeah, sure.

-Sure?

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This way.

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It's strictly by-appointment and Members can use it -

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they have christenings. You can even get married here.

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HEAVY DOOR OPENS

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(Wow.)

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It's a Royal Peculiar.

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It means it's under the monarch's control via the Lord Chamberlain

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and that's Great Lord Chamberlain to you.

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SHE LAUGHS

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Apparently, Oliver Cromwell stabled his horses here.

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I don't know if that's true.

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Oh, I'm sorry.

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-It's obviously not top of the cleaning rota.

-Oh, thank you.

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This isn't the best bit.

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Come here. Come on.

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You've come this far.

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You're going to have to go first because it's a bit tight in there.

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It used to be a broom cupboard.

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What am I looking for?

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It's on the back of the door. Can you see it?

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LOCK CLICKS

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The suffragette, you know?

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Yeah. Um, I know who she is - Derby Day.

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Yeah. She slipped in here on the night

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of the census of 1911, I think it was.

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It was before she, you know, jumped in front of the horse,

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obviously caused a lot of trouble.

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"In this broom cupboard Emily Wilding Davison

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"hid herself illegally

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"during the night of the 1911 census.

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"In this way she was able to record her address

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"on the night of the census as being...

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"..the House of Commons."

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I knew you'd be interested.

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(OK?)

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SHE MOANS

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BELT BUCKLE RATTLES

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SHE BREATHES HEAVILY

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BUCKLE RATTLES

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HE BREATHES HEAVILY

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SHE MOANS

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RATTLING

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THEY PANT

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THEY PANT AND MOAN

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BUCKET CONTINUES TO RATTLE

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HE MOANS

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HE MOANS LOUDLY

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THEY PANT

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I've never done anything like that before.

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(Then lucky me.)

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BELL CHIMES IN DISTANCE

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SHE EXHALES

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GLASS CLINKS

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DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

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-MAN:

-Hey.

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Hi.

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HE SIGHS

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-Oh, sorry, I forgot to get back...

-It's OK, it's OK.

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The girl at the counter said the own-brand stuff

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is exactly the same, unsurprisingly.

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You still suffering? HE GROANS

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The chilli might help.

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Yeah, if I can taste it.

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HE SUPS

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Mm, not bad.

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-Did you get a chance to talk to Rosa?

-How did it go?

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-The Standing Committee?

-Oh.

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Select Committee. Um, fine, yeah.

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Rosa wasn't in today.

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Shall I set the table?

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I've done it.

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So, according to Martin,

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it's a thing now, so no going back.

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-Every birthday?

-Mm.

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-As if secret sodding Santa wasn't bad enough.

-Huh.

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It's good, love. Tasty.

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HE SNORES

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SNORING CONTINUES

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HE GRUMBLES

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'..but the only person I can talk to about you is you.

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'What we did today is without doubt...

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'I know nothing about you.

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'Sex with you is like being eaten by a wolf.

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'Will you even give me a second thought,

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'or is this just something you do?'

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CROSSING SIGNAL BEEPS

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FYI, all the candidates and the specs we put up.

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Saves you printing out the e-mails.

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You're a star. Thank you.

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Um, Liz, about Kat's maternity cover...

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I'm really sorry, I just can't face it.

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The thought of doing that commute again every day makes me

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want to bang my head against a wall.

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Even for six months?

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-It's really why I went part-time.

-It's OK.

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Kat practically told us at the moment of conception.

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We'll find someone.

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Um, it's black silk

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with a red and orange pattern in it.

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-And when was it you were in, madam?

-Tuesday.

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Tuesday. One moment, please.

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Sorry, madam. No scarves at all.

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-Oh, well, it was worth a try.

-Indeed.

-Thank you.

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You're welcome.

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HE LAUGHS

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So...

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are you sure that you weren't just hanging out here

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on the off-chance that we'd bump into each other?

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Naturally(!)

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No, I... I work at the Beaufort Institute.

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-Oh, classy.

-You've heard of it?

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Well, yeah, of course.

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It crops up in the news all the time, doesn't it?

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Whenever there's something about genes or genomes or DNA,

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which, thanks to you, I now know aren't all the same thing.

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PHONE ALERT BEEPS

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Sorry.

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What is it you do exactly?

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Well, you know, it's civil service.

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All very boring.

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You don't look like a civil servant.

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You don't look like a scientist.

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You're married.

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So am I.

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Shall we just skip all that?

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I assume neither of us is looking for a parachute.

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No.

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Absolutely not.

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(Great.)

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I would love it if my daughter wanted to be a scientist,

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it's just that, at the moment, that would depend on lab coats coming

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in totally artificial fibre, being really shiny, and preferably pink.

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SHE LAUGHS

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Carrie, my daughter, was always completely set on it.

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Tunnel vision like me, I suppose.

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SHE GIGGLES

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My niece is doing triple science

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at A level - maybe you could give her a pep talk?

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Um...

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isn't this all a bit...

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back to front, maybe, don't you think?

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Shoot first, ask questions later.

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SHE LAUGHS

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LAUGHTER CONTINUES FAINTLY

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Yvonne!

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Come on, drink.

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So how's Gary?

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Me first. How are things with you and Chris?

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Oh...

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"Oh"?

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It's nothing to worry about.

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It's...just...you know,

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he's stopped making as much of an effort,

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we're not tearing each other's clothes off anymore.

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That's not sounding good, Suze.

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It's fine.

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It's very...civilised.

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Anyway, I thought you'd be pleased...

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Captain Sensible.

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Oh, God, is that what I am?

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Always.

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SHE SIGHS

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Is everything OK?

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How is Gary?

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Yeah, he's fine. Um...

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sends his love.

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-You know, it's not that girl, is it?

-Rosa?

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I told him to talk to the dean to make sure it was official.

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I know it's all in her head,

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but you need backup these days.

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You're sure it was, then?

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No, it's just Gary's still an attractive man.

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I know you two are rock solid...

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Hey, always his greatest fan.

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No, I think we're out of the woods on that one.

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20 years ago, maybe.

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The students were queueing up - he used to get so embarrassed.

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"Still attractive".

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Do you think that's what they say about us?

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What is going on with you?

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(You're very twitchy.)

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Must be my age.

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Why was that...? Why's that funny?

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It's like, what age are you, 100?

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Let's change the subject now. I'm getting you drunk.

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Oh...go for it.

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Hi, erm,

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I think...

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Let's not.

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I mean, it was really, really...

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..what it was, but too many people can get hurt.

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Oh, God, the cliches, but it's true.

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So...

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that's it.

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Yeah.

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Take care.

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DISTURBANCE OUTSIDE

0:22:120:22:13

-GLASS BREAKING

-No!

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Ah, fuck!

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Shit!

0:22:260:22:27

Bloody hell!

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Has she cut herself?

0:22:300:22:31

It's Rosa.

0:22:310:22:33

What?!

0:22:330:22:34

-Sorry.

-Come on, Rosa. What the hell are you doing?

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Careful, careful!

0:22:380:22:39

No! Leave the bloody bottles!

0:22:390:22:42

Oh, God.

0:22:420:22:43

Sorry, I'm... I'm a bit...bit pissed.

0:22:430:22:46

-Clearly.

-I just...

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My friend, Mel, she lives just down the road.

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She was having a crisis, a thing, and I just thought...

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You know, it's the...

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it's your road.

0:22:570:22:59

-I'm sorry.

-It's all right.

-Sorry.

0:22:590:23:00

Oh, Jeez! What have you done to yourself?

0:23:010:23:03

Keep it up, keep it up. Come on.

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There we are.

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Straight through.

0:23:070:23:09

I think she needs stitches.

0:23:170:23:18

Thank you.

0:23:180:23:20

I'll get it looked at.

0:23:200:23:21

Come on.

0:23:230:23:24

I'm sorry.

0:23:270:23:28

Mind your head.

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CAR DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS

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WOMAN LAUGHING

0:24:110:24:12

Hello, come in!

0:24:150:24:16

Mum!

0:24:170:24:18

All right?

0:24:180:24:20

-How are you doing?

-I'm good. How are you?

0:24:220:24:25

These are lovely, Carrie, thank you.

0:24:250:24:27

Poor Dad! Does he ever have to work on a Saturday?

0:24:270:24:30

He won't be much longer.

0:24:300:24:31

I think it was just some papers that he forgot to bring back.

0:24:310:24:34

Can I borrow these?

0:24:340:24:35

Yeah, sure.

0:24:350:24:37

Yes, please. Thanks.

0:24:370:24:38

Carrie, love, do you want some?

0:24:380:24:40

-Or there's white in the fridge if you'd prefer?

-Oh, no thanks.

0:24:400:24:43

Have you spoken to Adam at all?

0:24:440:24:46

Mm-mm.

0:24:460:24:47

Not recently, though Dad's been in touch on Facebook though.

0:24:490:24:51

Hey!

0:24:510:24:52

Here he is!

0:24:520:24:53

Bloody hell, A&E!

0:24:550:24:57

I'm not doing that again in a hurry.

0:24:570:24:58

-A&E? What's wrong?

-Hey!

0:24:580:25:00

Didn't Mum say?

0:25:010:25:02

Hi, Sathnam.

0:25:020:25:04

This research assistant turned up on our doorstep in the middle of

0:25:040:25:07

the night and managed to cut herself on a broken bottle.

0:25:070:25:12

Mum said you were at the office.

0:25:120:25:14

Well, what was she doing pitching up here in the middle of the night?

0:25:160:25:19

God knows! She was pissed, I think.

0:25:190:25:21

Did she need stitches?

0:25:210:25:23

A couple. All fine.

0:25:230:25:24

Nobody died!

0:25:290:25:31

Look at this! Smashing.

0:25:310:25:33

Smells good as well, love.

0:25:330:25:34

Let's get some of it through to the table, shall we?

0:25:340:25:37

-So, news.

-Hmm?

0:25:400:25:43

Is it the Aberystwyth job?

0:25:430:25:44

I'm pregnant.

0:25:450:25:47

Oh, my God...pregnant. Pregnant!

0:25:500:25:53

I know, it's mad!

0:25:530:25:55

I should have told you when I came in.

0:25:550:25:58

That's wonderful, well done.

0:25:580:25:59

Oh, Mum!

0:25:590:26:01

I'm five years older than you were when you had me.

0:26:100:26:13

Yeah, and I've never pretended that that was ideal.

0:26:130:26:15

Yes, you did! You said it was great.

0:26:150:26:17

"Got it all out of the way and was back on the career ladder

0:26:170:26:20

"before the rest of them were even thinking of popping out a sprog."

0:26:200:26:23

I'm just saying that your work is going so well.

0:26:230:26:26

And it'll go just as well when I'm back from maternity leave.

0:26:260:26:29

Honestly, Mum, the department's fine about it.

0:26:290:26:33

What if you don't want to go back?

0:26:330:26:35

Of course I'll want to. You did.

0:26:350:26:36

You know, it took me eight years to finish my PhD.

0:26:390:26:42

And your dad did it in three.

0:26:430:26:45

And your Nana practically sang the Hallelujah Chorus

0:26:460:26:49

every time he changed a nappy.

0:26:490:26:51

She still calls women who work "career girls".

0:26:510:26:54

Yeah. Don't forget "lady doctors".

0:26:540:26:57

Well, Nana...

0:26:570:26:59

..the world's moved on a bit, hasn't it?

0:27:000:27:02

Yeah. Thank God.

0:27:030:27:05

Go to the cinema, do all the things you won't be able to do

0:27:050:27:07

in nine months.

0:27:070:27:08

Oh, don't tell him that! Love you.

0:27:080:27:11

Or ever again! I love you, too.

0:27:110:27:13

Thanks for everything.

0:27:130:27:14

Keep them as long as you like.

0:27:150:27:16

Love you, guys. Thanks for lunch.

0:27:160:27:18

Drive safely.

0:27:180:27:19

Bloody hell.

0:27:240:27:26

Granny and Grandad.

0:27:260:27:28

If you're sleeping with her, you can tell me, you know.

0:27:370:27:39

I mean, she seems very vulnerable...

0:27:420:27:44

I'm not.

0:27:440:27:45

Von.

0:27:510:27:53

OK.

0:27:540:27:55

There was a possibility of that...

0:28:140:28:16

..but I shut it down.

0:28:180:28:20

I think that's why she's so upset.

0:28:200:28:22

"Possibility".

0:28:260:28:27

That day when we got the grant, back in the summer...

0:28:290:28:31

..we were all celebrating...

0:28:330:28:35

-..pissed...

-You said it was all in her head.

0:28:360:28:38

Well...largely.

0:28:380:28:40

So, what? You snogged her or was it more than that...?

0:28:450:28:48

I'm not going to give you chapter and verse. We're not bloody teenagers!

0:28:480:28:51

Nothing happened.

0:28:580:29:00

That's all you need to know.

0:29:030:29:05

Shit.

0:29:250:29:27

Thank you.

0:30:000:30:01

How's the wonderful world of protein sequencing?

0:30:080:30:12

You got it right.

0:30:130:30:15

Of course I did.

0:30:150:30:16

So, what...what made you change your mind, then?

0:30:270:30:30

About seeing me again?

0:30:320:30:33

I suppose you're irresistible.

0:30:390:30:41

HE LAUGHS

0:30:410:30:42

Clearly.

0:30:430:30:44

There's something else going on with you though, isn't there?

0:30:470:30:49

KNOCKING THEN OPENING OF DOOR

0:30:510:30:52

'Tell me something about your work.'

0:30:590:31:01

Something surprising that everybody gets wrong.

0:31:030:31:06

Umm...

0:31:060:31:07

That we know what we're doing?

0:31:090:31:11

Seriously.

0:31:110:31:12

There's this image of science, the clinical thing,

0:31:120:31:14

that we're efficient and we know everything, but, actually,

0:31:140:31:18

all we can ever do is hazily grasp but a fraction of what it is

0:31:180:31:21

we're trying to pin down...

0:31:210:31:23

like the genome.

0:31:230:31:24

Your typical haploid human genome...

0:31:240:31:26

Sorry, haploid, what's that again?

0:31:260:31:28

Your basic genome.

0:31:280:31:30

It has three billion DNA base pairs...

0:31:310:31:35

..of which less than 2% code for proteins.

0:31:360:31:39

So, the rest of the DNA, 98%,

0:31:390:31:42

we don't really know what it's there for.

0:31:420:31:45

Could be useful or could be just biochemical rubbish.

0:31:470:31:50

And what I do? I'm just scrabbling about in the dirt,

0:31:510:31:54

trying to look for the good stuff.

0:31:540:31:55

"We'll never conquer space."

0:31:570:31:58

It's an Arthur C Clarke thing.

0:32:000:32:02

Well, basically, when everyone was getting all excited over the

0:32:020:32:06

moon landings, he said, "Don't worry, whatever we discover,

0:32:060:32:10

"the universe is far too big and too random for us ever to know it properly."

0:32:100:32:16

"We'll never conquer space."

0:32:170:32:18

'Life's mysterious,

0:32:280:32:30

'which is a good thing.'

0:32:300:32:31

Isn't it?

0:32:330:32:34

What are we doing?

0:32:420:32:44

You're beautiful.

0:32:470:32:48

Oh, no. You, you were carrying that, actually.

0:33:140:33:17

Well, no, I mean, if someone happened to see us

0:33:190:33:22

coming downstairs together, they might wonder why

0:33:220:33:25

you're dressed differently coming out.

0:33:250:33:27

'Am I in over my head with you?'

0:33:290:33:31

Remind me what it is you do again?

0:33:360:33:38

I told you, didn't I?

0:33:380:33:39

Crown Estate.

0:33:390:33:41

Oiling the wheels.

0:33:410:33:42

'Who are you?

0:33:460:33:47

'I couldn't say.

0:33:490:33:50

'Although I have noticed

0:33:510:33:53

'secrets are the air you breathe.'

0:33:530:33:55

'I've got you a present.'

0:33:570:33:58

You didn't go for the cheapest option.

0:33:590:34:02

Well, why would you have a cheap phone in your bag?

0:34:020:34:05

'It just sort of shouts "affair", doesn't it?'

0:34:070:34:09

'It's a pay-as-you-go.

0:34:130:34:15

'Obviously, you don't link it to your e-mail account.

0:34:150:34:17

'Oh, and don't top it up at the same place twice, right,

0:34:170:34:20

'cos it's important not to establish a pattern -

0:34:200:34:22

'which is kind of the exact opposite of what you do.

0:34:220:34:25

'If we're going to do this,

0:34:310:34:32

'then at least we can make sure no-one gets hurt.'

0:34:320:34:35

You look well.

0:34:440:34:45

-Do I?

-Mmm.

0:34:450:34:46

Thanks.

0:34:460:34:48

Here you go.

0:34:490:34:51

Oh, I'm fine, George, thanks.

0:34:510:34:52

Thought you'd both be latte girls.

0:34:540:34:55

Am I right?

0:34:550:34:56

Well, that was the button I pressed.

0:34:560:34:58

It probably all tastes the same.

0:34:580:35:00

Sorry, Yvonne. I know you like posh coffee.

0:35:000:35:02

Oh, as long as it's caffeine.

0:35:020:35:04

I like to pretend I'm classy, but I'm really easy.

0:35:040:35:07

HE LAUGHS

0:35:070:35:08

So, I'm here to talk to you about why genome editing should have

0:35:130:35:17

-transformed the way we treat cancer.

-LOUD BEEP

0:35:170:35:19

What is genome editing?

0:35:190:35:21

I don't think I need to explain that to this room, but if you'll

0:35:210:35:23

bear with me for one moment.

0:35:230:35:25

DNA.

0:35:250:35:26

Inserted, replaced, deleted.

0:35:260:35:29

Anyway Liz slices it, these things are always a slog.

0:35:300:35:33

You getting the Tube?

0:35:330:35:34

Er, no, I've got things to do.

0:35:340:35:36

Oh, I'll see you tomorrow then...

0:35:360:35:38

When fates are decided.

0:35:380:35:40

-Yeah. Bye, George.

-See ya.

0:35:400:35:42

I've been stalking you.

0:35:570:35:59

RMU,

0:36:030:36:04

the PhD with merchant supervising, the Beaufort...

0:36:040:36:08

It's my dream career.

0:36:080:36:09

Well, we enjoyed hearing your presentation.

0:36:090:36:12

Hang on. Dr Carmichael,

0:36:140:36:17

whatever the outcome - and I do totally respect that -

0:36:170:36:21

I'd...I'd really appreciate the opportunity

0:36:210:36:25

to talk with you about your research.

0:36:250:36:27

I'm very discreet.

0:36:340:36:36

Were you tempted?

0:36:430:36:44

Would I be telling you if I was?

0:36:450:36:47

Tin.

0:36:500:36:51

Recycling.

0:36:510:36:53

He made my skin crawl, actually.

0:36:530:36:54

Confident little creep.

0:36:540:36:56

Lots of, you know, primate crotch display.

0:36:560:36:59

Well, you're the one with all the power, love,

0:37:000:37:03

that's probably what it was about.

0:37:030:37:05

You can screw him over, so he thought he'd do the same with you.

0:37:050:37:10

You know, redress the balance.

0:37:100:37:11

Well, he's not getting the job.

0:37:110:37:13

His presentation was extremely pedestrian.

0:37:130:37:15

Oh, you see? You won.

0:37:150:37:16

Adam came by today.

0:37:190:37:21

-Adam?

-Yeah, around lunchtime.

0:37:210:37:23

I was lucky not to miss him.

0:37:230:37:24

Well, why didn't you say?

0:37:240:37:25

It was a flying visit.

0:37:250:37:27

He's down for a friend's gig, he said. Picked up a piece of kit.

0:37:270:37:30

A loop pedal or...

0:37:300:37:31

I've probably got that wrong.

0:37:310:37:33

-Well, how was he?

-Fine.

0:37:330:37:34

Did he look well?

0:37:350:37:37

Ish.

0:37:380:37:39

He's looked worse. Love, he was fine.

0:37:390:37:41

You know what he's like.

0:37:410:37:42

He stayed for a cup of tea and the contents of the biscuit tin.

0:37:420:37:45

Did he say how long he was going to be around?

0:37:450:37:47

Just for the gig, I think, then he's back off up to Manchester.

0:37:470:37:49

He sends his love.

0:37:510:37:52

Said to give you a big kiss.

0:37:530:37:54

'Has anyone seen you using the phone?'

0:38:300:38:32

Well, no-one I know, obviously.

0:38:320:38:33

'What will you tell your husband, if he finds it,

0:38:330:38:35

'if he goes through your bag?'

0:38:350:38:36

He won't.

0:38:360:38:38

We're not like that. He's not the jealous type.

0:38:380:38:41

It's important to imagine the worst-case scenario.

0:38:410:38:43

'Well, I'll say that it belongs to Liz from work'

0:38:430:38:45

and that she left it at a meeting and I've been carrying it around,

0:38:450:38:48

intending to give it back.

0:38:480:38:50

-Ooh, you're good.

-'I know.'

0:38:500:38:52

It's worrying, isn't it?

0:38:520:38:53

'It is a bit.'

0:38:530:38:54

But he won't ask or notice.

0:38:540:38:56

Tell me something that winds you up about him.

0:38:560:38:59

What?

0:38:590:39:01

'Your husband. Something that really gets on your nerves.'

0:39:010:39:03

No.

0:39:030:39:04

'Go on.'

0:39:040:39:06

No! I'm not doing that.

0:39:060:39:07

No parachutes, do you remember?

0:39:070:39:09

I'm going.

0:39:090:39:10

DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS

0:39:200:39:22

TEXT ALERT

0:39:270:39:28

Hey.

0:39:370:39:39

Oh, hi.

0:39:390:39:40

'I can't plead biology.

0:39:450:39:46

'Sex may be an animal pleasure,

0:39:480:39:51

'but adultery, I'm discovering, is a human one.'

0:39:510:39:54

"Is life a boon?

0:39:560:39:59

"If so, it must befall that death,

0:39:590:40:03

"whene'er he call,

0:40:030:40:05

"must call too soon."

0:40:050:40:06

'It's not exactly win-win, is it?'

0:40:100:40:13

Life is a boon and then you die.

0:40:130:40:15

Or life isn't a boon,

0:40:170:40:19

it's just shit, and then you die.

0:40:190:40:20

'What do you reckon?'

0:40:230:40:24

'Me?

0:40:240:40:26

'I reckon life's a boon.'

0:40:270:40:28

It's all right, it's all right. Risk assessment.

0:40:550:40:57

Camera...

0:40:590:41:00

Facing the wrong way.

0:41:000:41:02

Excuse me, have you got a light?

0:41:200:41:21

I didn't know you smoked.

0:41:230:41:24

I don't.

0:41:250:41:26

It's handy sometimes.

0:41:280:41:29

WOMEN LAUGH

0:41:370:41:38

Er, I'm sorry. I miscalculated.

0:41:380:41:41

Bit near rush hour.

0:41:410:41:43

It's really a thing with you, isn't it, public places?

0:41:520:41:54

Well, you know me well enough by now. It's...

0:41:560:41:59

I can't help it. It turns me on, it just does.

0:42:000:42:03

It's probably...

0:42:030:42:04

It's probably genetic.

0:42:040:42:05

Christ, do you really think that means something?

0:42:050:42:08

That that absolves you of all responsibility, just hard-wiring?

0:42:080:42:11

But...

0:42:140:42:16

Well...

0:42:160:42:17

OK, probably that was a bad choice of words, but...

0:42:170:42:20

I'm sorry, this is ridiculous.

0:42:200:42:22

At our age. What kind of stupid game are we playing, anyway?

0:42:220:42:24

Hey! What?

0:42:240:42:26

Wait, wait, wait.

0:42:260:42:27

I thought...I thought...I thought you did, too.

0:42:270:42:29

No.

0:42:330:42:34

It's you, actually.

0:42:360:42:37

You turn me on.

0:42:380:42:39

It's all right. I know the deal.

0:42:450:42:47

I might be stupid, but I'm not blind. Those girls earlier,

0:42:470:42:50

I'm sure you'd rather be screwing them, preferably outside,

0:42:500:42:52

-but you've got to settle for what's on offer.

-Oh, my God!

0:42:520:42:55

-Well, look at me!

-What? What?

0:42:550:42:57

You're gorgeous!

0:42:590:43:00

I'm middle-aged and my body looks...

0:43:010:43:04

I look like a bloody jelly baby!

0:43:060:43:08

Yvonne!

0:43:090:43:10

PHONE RINGS

0:44:000:44:02

PHONE RINGS

0:44:270:44:28

Hello?

0:44:340:44:35

Hello?

0:44:370:44:38

CALLER HANGS UP

0:44:380:44:40

-Adam?

-No. It's no-one.

0:44:410:44:43

'Gary's friend, Michael, he started base jumping in his forties,

0:45:010:45:04

'flinging himself off cliffs.

0:45:040:45:06

'At least you don't do that.

0:45:090:45:11

'You just ask other people to.'

0:45:160:45:18

Von, I'm taking the charger from the kitchen.

0:45:240:45:28

That's mine.

0:45:280:45:29

You look nice.

0:45:330:45:34

Yeah, it's Jonathon's leaving do.

0:45:340:45:36

I'll be making your apologies.

0:45:360:45:38

Oh, course. That's tonight, is it?

0:45:380:45:41

They'll have a charger at the hotel.

0:45:410:45:43

Och, I told them not to bother with the hotel,

0:45:430:45:46

I'm...I'm kipping at Andy's.

0:45:460:45:48

Uh, right, OK.

0:45:480:45:49

Well, have a nice night. Love to Jonathon.

0:45:490:45:52

See you Friday.

0:45:520:45:53

I...

0:46:240:46:26

Thank you very much.

0:46:260:46:28

Cheers.

0:46:280:46:29

Thanks.

0:46:290:46:30

I-I was just...

0:46:300:46:33

I was just imagining something shorter, that's all.

0:46:330:46:37

Well, the rules are tits or legs,

0:46:370:46:40

but you can't have both.

0:46:400:46:41

(Take your knickers off.)

0:46:550:46:56

Who says I'm wearing any?

0:47:010:47:02

SHE LAUGHS

0:47:040:47:05

Oh, God, I love men.

0:47:050:47:07

Of course I am. A dress like this?

0:47:090:47:11

So...take...

0:47:130:47:15

Take them off now, then.

0:47:150:47:17

Come on. I mean, there's got to be something in it for me,

0:47:180:47:20

you're going to this party.

0:47:200:47:22

We could have had a night in a hotel.

0:47:290:47:31

Gary's away.

0:47:330:47:34

I know, you can't.

0:47:360:47:37

(I love hotels.)

0:47:410:47:43

Gary hates them.

0:47:460:47:47

(I'm sorry.)

0:47:500:47:52

Don't.

0:47:520:47:53

So?

0:47:590:48:01

HE GRUNTS

0:48:030:48:04

I'll take mine... I'll take mine off, too, if you like.

0:48:100:48:12

All right. (But you have to put them back on over your trousers.)

0:48:130:48:17

(Jesus Christ.)

0:48:310:48:32

SHE SIGHS

0:48:490:48:50

Don't talk to any strange men.

0:48:530:48:55

Well, it's a science faculty,

0:48:550:48:57

so it's going to be wall-to-wall strange men...

0:48:570:48:59

..and there'll be masses of drink.

0:49:020:49:04

OK.

0:49:040:49:05

So text me later.

0:49:050:49:07

-Even if you're pissed.

-Hm. HE LAUGHS

0:49:140:49:17

Especially if you're pissed.

0:49:230:49:25

Risk assessment.

0:49:380:49:39

THEY SNIGGER

0:49:460:49:47

THEY LAUGH

0:49:490:49:50

-Hey...

-It's fine.

-How do you know?

0:49:560:49:59

Intuition.

0:49:590:50:00

By which I mean, of course, a combination of observation...

0:50:090:50:13

..knowledge and experience...

0:50:150:50:18

..otherwise known as...

0:50:190:50:22

gambler's edge.

0:50:220:50:23

(Oh, good God.)

0:50:270:50:28

HE MOANS I can't.

0:50:290:50:31

-Oh, yeah, you can.

-I-I really can't.

0:50:310:50:33

No, you can. You really can.

0:50:330:50:35

SHE PANTS

0:50:370:50:38

BELT BUCKLE RATTLES

0:50:400:50:41

THEY PANT

0:50:430:50:44

HE MOANS

0:50:480:50:50

Hey.

0:51:130:51:14

Where's the apple tree?

0:51:160:51:17

Long gone.

0:51:210:51:22

What time is it?

0:51:260:51:27

-It's ten past nine. Shit.

-Go. Go, go on.

0:51:290:51:32

Text me, OK? Send me a picture.

0:51:320:51:34

-Hey!

-What?

0:51:390:51:41

It's a dummy camera.

0:51:490:51:51

How do you know?

0:51:510:51:52

It's not hooked up to anything.

0:51:520:51:54

They just put them up as a deterrent, that's all. Seriously.

0:51:540:51:58

It's easy to tell the difference if you know what to look for.

0:51:580:52:01

Have fun.

0:52:010:52:02

(Oh, my God.)

0:52:050:52:07

I'm fucking a spook.

0:52:070:52:09

BOMBASTIC MUSIC PLAYS

0:52:190:52:20

-Great. Thank you.

-God, you look gorgeous.

0:52:470:52:49

-Thank you.

-Hiya.

-George, how are you?

0:52:490:52:51

-Good. Cheers.

-Cheers.

0:52:510:52:52

-Proper champagne.

-Mm.

0:52:540:52:56

Is Jonathon really paying for all this himself?

0:52:560:52:58

Well, maybe he got one of the patrons

0:52:580:53:00

to put their hand in their pocket - Peller or someone.

0:53:000:53:02

-Doesn't that count as a bribe?

-Well, not if he's retiring.

0:53:020:53:05

-Jonathon.

-Hey, George, hello!

0:53:050:53:07

-Good to see you.

-Good to see you, too.

0:53:070:53:09

-Congratulations.

-Thank you so much.

0:53:090:53:11

Nice to see you. How are you?

0:53:110:53:13

It's exactly like Gary to miss a party.

0:53:130:53:16

Well, anyway, he's in Sunderland.

0:53:160:53:18

Isn't Sunderland where they have that...?

0:53:180:53:20

Yep. Amazing mouse lab - Gary raves about it.

0:53:200:53:22

Do send him my love, won't you?

0:53:230:53:24

-Haven't seen him for yonks.

-Mm.

0:53:240:53:26

(You're fucking a spook.)

0:53:340:53:36

DOOR OPENS

0:53:380:53:39

WOMEN GIGGLE

0:53:390:53:40

PHONE ALERT BEEPS

0:53:420:53:43

Signs are...

0:54:050:54:07

they're about to run out.

0:54:070:54:09

Better make hay while the sun shines.

0:54:090:54:11

Absolutely.

0:54:110:54:12

-Cheers.

-Cheers.

0:54:150:54:17

PHONE ALERT BEEPS

0:54:170:54:18

BOTTLE HITS GROUND

0:54:270:54:29

THEY CHATTER AND LAUGH

0:54:300:54:31

I've got it.

0:54:330:54:35

Oh, dear

0:54:350:54:37

I'll look after it.

0:54:370:54:38

Oh, I'm for my bed.

0:54:590:55:01

Total lightweight these days.

0:55:010:55:02

Yeah, me, too.

0:55:020:55:04

-Sleep well, babe.

-You, too.

0:55:040:55:06

-See you on Monday.

-Monday!

0:55:060:55:08

PHONE ALERT CHIMES

0:55:080:55:09

Do you fancy splitting a cab?

0:55:190:55:21

Oh, that's a great idea.

0:55:210:55:22

You live west, don't you?

0:55:220:55:24

I do, I do, I do.

0:55:240:55:25

I just left my stuff in my office. Won't take me a sec.

0:55:250:55:27

-C'mon, c'mon.

-OK.

0:55:270:55:29

OK.

0:55:290:55:30

Do you know what really winds me up about Gary?

0:55:400:55:43

His haircut. I hate his haircut.

0:55:430:55:45

He's had the same haircut for 30 years

0:55:450:55:48

and I hated it 30 years ago.

0:55:480:55:49

Oh, dearie me.

0:55:490:55:52

Oh, God, did I say that out loud? I'm really sorry.

0:55:520:55:55

It is definitely, definitely time for bed.

0:55:550:55:58

Oh, come on, George, don't be silly.

0:56:060:56:08

-No, no...

-No, no, no...

0:56:080:56:10

Does your husband know you're fucking someone else?

0:56:100:56:12

What?

0:56:120:56:14

Does he?

0:56:140:56:15

-No, get off.

-Shush, shush, shush.

0:56:150:56:17

Get off me!

0:56:170:56:19

HE ROARS

0:56:240:56:25

Come on!

0:56:280:56:30

-RASPS:

-Listen to me.

0:56:310:56:33

Now, you move,

0:56:330:56:34

even a tiny bit,

0:56:340:56:36

and I'll hit you again.

0:56:360:56:38

Do you understand me? Do you?

0:56:380:56:40

Yeah?

0:56:400:56:41

Good girl. Fucking good girl.

0:56:410:56:43

HE BELLOWS

0:56:480:56:50

HE GRUNTS

0:56:500:56:52

SHE WHIMPERS

0:56:520:56:53

Please!

0:56:540:56:55

'Fear...

0:56:580:57:01

'that's what makes animals of us all.'

0:57:010:57:03

Before I met you...

0:57:050:57:07

..I was civilised.

0:57:090:57:11

Civilised.

0:57:130:57:14

So help me God.

0:57:170:57:19

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