Episode 1 Capital

FOOTSTEPS CAMERA CLICKS

SHE BREATHES HEAVILY

# How many tears do you cry

# If love should break your heart in two?

# How many tears will I cry

# Now that I know I'm losing you?

# I can't stop wanting you

# And no matter what you do

# You're still a part of me

-# Even though I'm losing you, oh... #

-Get a move on!

# How many years will go by

# Before my heart begins to mend?

# Waiting and wondering why

# I never thought our love could end

# I try forgetting you

# But you're still here on my mind

# It would take a miracle

# But someday maybe I'll find

# That I'm in the loving arms of someone

# That I'll know, know he's the someone

# Who'll kiss all the heartache away... #

I don't think anyone would want what I have.

I know I don't.

They're starting to get me down now.

-It's because we're all millionaires.

-Are we? No-one told me.

-Turns out we are. Our houses.

-Oh. Our houses.

Not real millionaires, then.

You wouldn't find a doctor down here before. Or a banker.

-I see.

-Albert was a solicitor's clerk.

That is £12.80, mate. Thank you.

And then the immigrants started coming.

West Indians first, then Indians like yourself.

No. Pakistani.

Oh, sorry, beg your pardon.

Hindus. Muslims. Sikhs.

Albert didn't much like change, I'm afraid.

He was old-fashioned, perhaps. That is £7.21, please.

It wasn't just the immigrants.

He didn't much care for speed bumps either.

-Dead set against loft conversions.

-I see.

You know it took him a year to agree to roller blinds?

If he knew what was happening now.

Digging down into their basements, he wouldn't like that.

He might like the prices the houses fetch. Who wouldn't?

Can you just shelve those peas before you go?

Oh sorry, brother. I've got an economics tutorial at 11.

Oh! Isn't this economics?

Have you put on weight since yesterday?

-And that's your considered reply?

-Do you agree with me, Rohinka?

Ahmed is looking like a man with one chin too many?

-I wouldn't know. Fatima! Get a move on.

-Whoa!

-What are you doing to my stock?

-Be careful what you feed him, Rohinka.

He's turning into another ghee-fattened South Asian.

-My duty as a Muslim.

-How do you know that isn't how I like him?

Get a shave and stop being... Give me that.

And stop being such a prick! Go on!

You need to have a word with Usman.

We don't want him volunteering for Syria or something.

Usman isn't going anywhere. He gets vertigo going north of the river.

-What does this mean?

-It doesn't mean anything.

Like most of the stuff that comes through the letterbox.

Are you all right getting up, Mrs Howe?

You stay there for as long as you like.

Just a little wobble. I'm right as rain now, thank you.

Oh!

Where the builders' scaffolding is. I'm just after that.

Yes, Mrs Yount, no problem for you. I'll be right there.

No, no. Just move the 9.30 to 10 and the 10 till after lunch.

It's only the French.

Thanks, Jessica.

Lovely day, boys. Good morning, Pilar.

Ah, Bogdan. Good morning.

Now, where do you stand vis-a-vis cedar wood cladding?

Oh, you are joking, aren't you? Ah, you people make me sick! Ugh!

ENGINE STARTS

You can put your feet up now, eh?

-Oh, that is a relief, to get home.

-Yeah.

ARABELLA: It's odd, isn't it? Second-class stamp.

"We want what you have." An estate agent, I think.

I buy new, everything top spec.

You know me, Mrs Yount, my personal guarantee. £12,000.

I could probably throw in the wiring and the down lighters for that.

And we do half cash, half through the books.

It's not that I don't like the wet room you've installed.

-It's just that... Well, we never use it.

-It's your home.

It has to be just right. Do you want to talk about it with your husband?

Roger? No. Roger's got other things on his mind.

TRAIN RATTLES

SIREN WAILS

-MARK:

-...to trade on Monday. Pinker Lloyd, Mark Haydon. Yes.

Ah, lovely. Five minutes.

We're seeing some strange patterns in the Vix.

The levels of volatility, when we crunched down,

are not correlated with the underlying movement of our assets.

So, it's beginning to look like we're moving away from anything

we can simulate using historically-based algorithms.

Roger?

Thank you, Mark. Yes, I think that pretty much covers all the bases.

No need to over-elaborate on the terminology.

We all know you're a clever young man.

Yes. Thank you, Mark.

Good.

Yes, he's shaping up, Mark. He's...

..a bit rough around the edges but he'll get there. They're a good lot.

Work hard, play hard. And not just at this time of year.

You know, bonus season round the corner.

Figures are looking pretty good.

£75 million on a £625 million turnover.

Not so dusty in the current climate.

As I said, they're looking pretty good.

Whoo!

ON TANNOY: 'Mr Barry Cultaire.'

Hello.

-MAN:

-I know, lost the keys, yeah. And no, all over the taxi.

Becks? No, no, she didn't come out.

No, she's still got that problem, ain't she? That problem with James.

Yeah. No, they're not seeing each other any more.

'Mrs Petunia Howe, please?'

Yeah, I'll give you a call. Tomorrow. No...

-'Mrs Petunia Howe, please.'

-We're not doing that.

I'm just going to listen to your heart, if that's OK?

No, no. No need for that.

Please.

-ANNOUNCER:

-'The next station is Clapham Common.'

-ANNOUNCER:

-'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your service update.

'There is a good service on all lines.'

That's £5.10.

-Don't you ever sleep?

-Eight hours a night, sir. The sleep of the just.

-Evening.

-Hi.

-Hey, how are you doing?

-Hi.

BOTH SPEAK POLISH

-Oh!

-Gran.

Graham! What are you doing here?

You all right?

Oh!

These look dear. Where did you get the money to buy these?

This is my favourite room in the whole world.

Retro doesn't even begin to cover it.

You know your mum has organised this home delivery over the internet now.

They come, they deliver, even take their bags away.

You can get anything over the internet now, Gran.

Flats, cars, lovers.

SHE LAUGHS

I think I'll just stick to Tesco's home delivery for now.

I wonder why Mum didn't get your sense of humour.

Takes after her dad, I'm afraid.

Hold up.

I'll have them open in no time.

What are these, Gran?

Oh, somebody trying to sell me something. Usually is.

-Do you mind if I borrow them?

-No, of course I don't.

Got those chocolates open yet?

Supper in 20 minutes. You just have time to read Conrad a story.

Does he read himself yet? How much are we paying that prep?

-Look, Daddy!

-Hmm. What's that supposed to be?

-A spaceship.

-Oh, yes. Of course.

-Does that taste young to you?

-He spent all afternoon on that painting.

That's even more worrying.

I don't suppose you remembered to pick up

the pomegranate molasses, did you?

FOOTSTEPS

Tell you what. This is a better idea.

Yeah. Here.

This is someone who knows what they're doing.

-MAN ON CD:

-'Mole had been working very hard all morning,

-'spring-cleaning his little home. First with brooms...'

-See?

-'..then with dusters, then on ladders...'

-Much better than me.

-'..with a brush and a pail of whitewash.'

-Right.

'..dust in his throat and eyes.

-'And splashes of whitewash all over his black fur...'

-Night, night.

'..and an aching back weary arms. Spring was moving in the air above

'and in the earth below and around him,

'penetrating even his dark and lowly little house.'

CAMERA CLICKS

"The figures look pretty good". Is that all that Lothar said?

You're forgetting one pertinent fact. He's German.

Masters of understatement.

A German saying, "The figures look good" is an Englishman saying,

"Million pound bonus."

Well, at least we'll have something to pay Bogdan with.

While he's doing the bathroom,

I thought he could do Conrad's room at the same time. Dinosaur theme.

Perhaps when we're away in the summer,

he can give this place the once-over.

Perhaps you should get Pinker Lloyd to pay Bogdan my bonus direct.

He must be worth more than both of us.

What is that supposed to mean?

You'd be surprised how little £1 million actually covers these days.

Conrad's school fees, the nannies, your car, my car, family car,

tax, pensions, your frock money.

A weekend house, the extension on the weekend house, holidays.

The wet room, slate tiles.

Kitchen, the extension, the basement. Gardeners for both houses.

Name of one of those things that isn't absolutely essential.

No, I know, it's just...

Sometimes feels as if my bonus has already been spent

before I've trousered it.

Still...

Goodnight.

Oh.

I'm no feminist, Roger,

but a lecture on thrift does not constitute foreplay. Ever.

It's very disappointing.

SIRENS WAIL

-Evening, sir.

-All right, Mashinko?

-Daddy?

-Mm-hm.

-What's this?

-And why are they taking pictures of Mummy?

-I don't know.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Have you done those, uh, those papers?

The paper boys will be here in a minute. Come on.

Hello?

Hello, sir. Yeah, I'd like to report an offence. Yes.

I'm not sure what the offence is just yet.

Perhaps if you could send an officer around who could tell me?

TRAIN RUMBLES

MEN SPEAK YORUBA

WOMAN: It's all politics, I'm afraid.

The government are sticking to their 2010 policy of forced repatriations

and reviewing the refugee status of most Zimbabweans.

-Am I in the most?

-I'm afraid you won't know until you get the letter.

If I return, I will be killed.

-Perhaps you'll be lucky.

-Yes.

Perhaps I will only be raped.

No. What I meant was, if you haven't received a letter by now,

it may not happen.

Civil service cuts might work in your favour.

I know what you meant.

-You do know you're not legally permitted to work, don't you?

-Yes.

I am aware of that.

We wouldn't bother you with this normally

but it's the taking of photographs without us knowing.

With the children and so on, we do worry...

-You have every right to call us.

-We called you three weeks ago.

Unless a crime has actually been committed...

Have you spoken to Mrs Howe? The elderly lady at Number 84?

She gets them too.

We have had calls from some of your other neighbours, yes.

-That's why I'm here now.

-Because white people have complained?

I can assure you this will be taken very seriously at the highest level.

I do have a copy of our diversity mission statement, if you...

Cheers.

-Have we been robbed?

-No, the postcard thing.

-You could file it under Islamophobia and forget all about it.

-Usman...

No, no, no. Perfectly valid line of inquiry.

This could constitute harassment, trespass.

Antisocial behaviour, even. May I...take those?

-Help yourself. There'll be more.

-Um, why do you say that?

If it's a viral ad campaign,

then they aren't going to stop till they reveal the punchline, are they?

And if it's a wind-up, then they'll take it further. It will get worse.

I'm sorry about Shahid. He's a student.

This is the third degree he started.

He hasn't finished any but he likes to start.

Well, he's probably right.

About the escalation, I mean. That's what I'm worried about.

Do you have any idea why anybody would send these postcards

to you and your neighbours?

Class envy. It's the mansion tax written by a hooligan.

The rich are an easy target.

That and the fact the police have the spend more time

on political correctness courses and not enough time catching criminals.

Well, it's a theory, I suppose.

We have a weekend house in the Cotswolds and we have to pay someone

to keep an eye on that.

Squatters, gypsies.

I do worry the same thing might be happening in London.

I do realise the plights of the middle classes

are hardly your priority these days.

-JOSHUA: Bogdan!

-Come estas, Pilar? Todo bien?

-Stop! Don't you dare!

We did the scan in order to eliminate the possibility of a brain tumour.

Yes. You explained.

But unfortunately...you have a large tumour.

And it has grown surprisingly quickly for someone your age.

-I've got cancer?

-Not strictly, no.

Brain tumour is not a form of cancer.

But you have a tumour

and I'm sorry to say that there is evidence that it is growing.

I see.

So I'm dying, is that what you're telling me?

We could perhaps treat the tumour with chemotherapy.

No.

-Thank you, but no.

-You...

-You don't have to decide here and now.

-I have decided.

And it's no.

I speak to her every week. I check on her online delivery.

She sounds absolutely fine.

Of course she's going to say she's all right on the phone, isn't she?

-If there was anything seriously wrong, I'd know.

-What's that?

A psychic thing because you're such a close mother and daughter?

I realise that parents are always a disappointment

to their children, Graham.

-Just go and see her for yourself.

-Easier said than done.

Two hours there, two hours back. I work full time.

I've told her she should move closer to us. I could do more for her then.

-Be nicer for her too.

-She likes it where she is.

Where she doesn't know anybody any more? Where she's got no support?

HE SCOFFS

-Let's hope I'm a bit kinder when it's your turn to be old.

-Kinder?

Do you know what, Graham?

I can't remember the last kind thing you said or did for me.

Just go and see her.

MAN RECITES PRAYERS

ALL: Ameen.

-MAN:

-Allahu Akbar.

-Allahu Akbar.

-Allahu Akbar...

What a terrible thing to happen to such a devout young man.

It was your bike.

-Insha'Allah, it will turn up.

-Don't start, Mr Devout.

It's bad enough watching you showboating in there.

-Don't try it out here too.

-What do you mean?

You pray from the outside, for show.

Don't think I haven't noticed cos I have.

Shahid? Shahid Karmal?

It's me, Iqbal Rashid!

Muslim Solidarity, remember?

Yeah. Of course. Iqbal.

-What are you doing here?

-Looking for you, my brother. Looking for you!

My friend let me down.

-If it were not for that, I would not be having to turn to you.

-I see.

Brothers shouldn't treat each other like that.

And we are brothers, aren't we?

You know, I often think of our days fighting imperialism.

I'll show you where stuff is, how to set up the sofa bed and all that.

Man, I am grateful.

-I feel all appropriate gratitude.

-Right, good.

There's a match on Sky in 20 minutes so you might want to

-get sorted before that.

-I don't follow kafir sport.

Lot of Muslim brothers playing these days.

I remember now you could be quite glib at times.

It isn't a good quality. We're going to have to work on that.

It took me about 30 seconds to recognise him.

-By then, it was too late to make an excuse.

-So why has he turned up now?

-Here? Now?

-Who knows? Maybe he needs a free spirit in his life.

-Ha! Or maybe a lazy halfwit.

-Good morning.

-Morning.

-That's for you.

-Thank you.

I want to go back and get him!

-ARABELLA:

-One morning without Buzz Lightyear

is not the end of the world.

Upper Richmond Road's going to be murder by now.

Careful!

Hmm!

-BOTH:

-One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight,

nine, ten, 11, 12...

Coming! Ready or not!

-Where's Daddy?

-Daddy!

-Good boy. Where's Daddy, Conrad? Where is he?

-Where's Dad?

-Daddy, Daddy! Where are you?

Come on, little man! Whoo! Let's see if we can find him in here.

-Daddy, Daddy! Where are you?

-Roger!

HE CRIES

Roger!

Bingo!

Roger!

Roger! HE CRIES

Please, Roger!

Daddy! Where are you?

This has really gone beyond a joke, Rog!

Roger!

Daddy! Daddy! Where are you?

Both the boys are traumatised.

-That was a very mean.

-It's character building.

-That's what men say when they've been very mean.

-No, I'm serious.

They need a bit more rough and tumble. More falling out of trees.

I could take them fishing. Kayaking, even. Whatever kayaking is...

Swallows And Amazons is a fiction, Roger. Not a parenting guide.

Maybe we should spend the summer in Minchinhampton?

Really embrace nature.

There is no greater fan of the Cotswolds than I

but spending our summer holidays in our country house.

-Doesn't that strike you as a bit dowdy?

-I could have a different life.

We all could, in the country.

-And do what, exactly?

-Something.

I don't know. Something simpler.

Teach, perhaps.

It's moving.

-What?

-The queue, it's moving.

KNOCKS ON DOOR Come!

Quentina. You look beautiful.

Did you dress up for me?

£300 this week. Somebody has been busy.

I worked overtime.

You work too hard, Quentina.

You need to enjoy life more.

-£200 just for you.

-£200?

I've had to increase my commission, I'm afraid.

If you don't like it, you can have it paid into your own bank account.

-You know I cannot.

-Yes, I do.

Which is why I'm happy to take this risk for you. So, £200 it is.

Perhaps a little kiss by way of thanks?

Have a lovely day.

"Kwama Lyons."

# And gladly take my station there

# And wait for thee

# Sweet hour of prayer

# Sweet hour of prayer, sweet hour of prayer

# Thy wings shall my petition bear

# To him whose truth and faithfulness

# Engage the waiting soul to bless

# And since he bids me seek his face

# Believe his word... #

I just wanted to say, that was really beautiful. Your singing.

Oh!

-Um, thank you, uh...

-Quentina.

-Thank you, Quentina. I am Mashinko.

-I look forward to singing with you again.

-Hmm.

LAUGHTER ON TELEVISION

APPLAUSE ON TELEVISION

GUNSHOTS

-What are you doing? It's three in the morning.

-Sorry.

I hope you don't mind me using your laptop.

No, I suppose not.

But if it's porn, then delete the history after you're done.

I can't say I understand this grooming ritual of yours

but much like Islam and Pilates, I've come to respect it.

I was thinking, there's no reason why this bonus might not be

closer to two million than one.

Given what we've achieved in the current climate.

Managed to steer the ship past the treacherous recession

and banker-bashing, Libor, mis-selling.

Really?

Ooh!

-Don't forget your lucky boxer shorts.

-Thank you.

SHE SLAPS HIM AND LAUGHS

Lothar.

-Petra well?

-Yes.

-Toby, Isabella?

All good. Arabella, Conrad and, um...?

Joshua?

-Fit as fleas. You know what they're like.

-Good year for the department.

The figures speak for themselves.

We are confident that your department's performance

is in the top quartile of the sector.

Your personal evaluations are strong.

The compensation committee is of the view

that your performance overall is strong. Very strong.

There is, of course, a context for all of this.

It is not just the wider problems in the industry.

There's also the difficulty we've been having

with our Swiss subsidiary.

Goes beyond routine volatility as a genuine loss.

HE WRETCHES

30 grand?

But...

Hmm, what is...?

Contribution.

This is...

..fundamentally not fair.

When I think of what I've done.

Basic pay?

What I have made for...

Billions.

It's not a question of greed.

It's justice. Hmm?

30 grand? And I...

I'll need a proper bonus, Lothar. I need the money.

You can't do this. This isn't how it works. What use is 30 grand?

What use is 30 grand to anybody?

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

Well?

-Well, what?

-The bonus! Do you want me to guess?

It's been put off till after Christmas.

-Banks are worried about bad publicity at this time of year.

-Oh.

-Well, January isn't that far away.

-I'm sure we'll struggle through.

Pilar's leaving us at Christmas, isn't she?

Yes, and I expect some help.

I'm sure once you get used to your own children,

you'll get on like a house on fire.

I called the police again today about those postcards.

Hmm. Are they busy at Christmas?

Perhaps they could help out with the children?

I'm going to leave you alone with your sarcasm.

Anything else happened today? Chip a nail in Pilates?

Drop your credit card in Waitrose?

-Remember your children's names?

-Just piss off, Roger!

DOOR SLAMS

-Um, you don't by any chance have any fresh coriander?

-Oh, um...

Not in the shop, no, but hang on a moment. Rohinka!

Can we spare some coriander for a customer?

-Oh, that really is very kind of you.

-No trouble, really.

-Are you getting these too?

-Yeah, every day now. Everyone in the road.

It's horrible, isn't it? It's like living under siege.

-Where do you live?

-I'm sorry?

-Which road?

-Where are you getting these cards?

-This road.

-I live on this road, number 92.

-Oh, I see. I'm sorry, I didn't...

Thanks.

-How much do I owe you?

-Oh, it's no trouble, really. Take it.

Thank you.

It's like being under siege. That's what the lady said.

Maybe she should try being in Pakistan

-when the drones come calling.

-Say goodnight to Daadi-jan.

-You've only seen the fireworks over Battersea Bridge!

-Night, night.

I'm just saying, white people have no idea. A few postcards?

It's more than postcards, it's a website now.

-'Hello, I'm still here. Your only mother.'

-Goodnight, Ammi.

'Shah, how is your medical degree progressing?'

You know I'm not doing a medical degree.

'In which case, nobody is going to die

'if you come to Pakistan to visit your ailing mother.'

-Yeah! You are not ailing.

-'How do you know?

'I thought you weren't doing a medical degree?

'I saw that Usman. Shahid has always been a good-for-nothing.

'I expect better from you. And Ahmed, have you put on weight again?

'Or is something wrong with my computer screen?'

OTHERS LAUGH

-Goodnight, Ammi.

-Night, Ammi.

-Night, night.

-'Night.'

-I'd like to let her loose on Iqbal.

-What's wrong with Iqbal?

He's so boring, he can cause a fundamental disruption

in the space-time continuum.

He's a one-man walking injustice and he stinks,

so he's cramping my style.

-What style is that?

-Here speaks the fashion God!

He takes things more seriously than you do, that's all.

-Doesn't seem to me such a bad characteristic.

-Get a shave.

Maybe what really bugs you is that he reminds you that you have sold out.

That you've passively accepted the state of injustice and oppression.

You're a child.

You don't have any real opinions, you just strike at attitudes

to try and create an effect.

It would be a boring enough having it in a 13-year-old boy

but in a young man like yourself, it's pathetic.

Anything for a quiet life, hey, Ahmed?

As long as there's enough food on your plate,

-why care about anything else?

-Why indeed?

If you cared or looked after anything in your life,

maybe you might know the responsibility of providing food!

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

-Daddy! You promised sweeties.

-You didn't.

He's in trouble now.

KNOCKS AT THE DOOR

Hello?

Who is it?

Mrs Howe? Detective Inspector Mill. I'm here about the postcards.

KETTLE WHISTLES

So, who's the artist?

Oh, those? It's my grandson, Graham. He was very good at school.

Even went to college for a bit.

I do worry about him.

There's no money in it. Not really.

I wanted to talk to you about these nuisance postcards.

I gave them to Graham. He was quite taken with them.

Your neighbours reported odd noises at night.

Well, I wander around here at all hours.

Perhaps it's me they're hearing.

The grandson you mentioned. Does he live nearby?

Do you have any other family close?

To keep an eye on you, if you need it?

I have a daughter lives near Colchester.

And Mr Ahmed at the corner shop is very considerate.

-No, what I was meaning was...

-I know what you're meaning. But no.

-And I don't mind, I've got other things to worry about.

-Such as?

That's none of your business. There is one thing, though.

I mean, the postcards are one thing

but the DVD nearly took my letterbox off.

-I don't even have anything to play it on.

-What DVD?

It arrived this morning. I thought that's why you'd called.

-Ah, Mr Yount?

-Excuse me.

-I spoke to your wife a few days ago about the unpleasant postcards.

-Yes.

Parked up late last night.

Very sorry and all that

but I'm sure you're in a position to show some leniency.

I'm sorry, but I've already shown discretion to your nanny

and your good lady wife and I've already started the process.

No, no, the permit's in the window now, isn't it?

So, we always had permission, we just didn't display the permit.

-Permission is granted by displaying of the permit.

-No, no, no.

Our residency grants us permission. We live here!

If you're looking for the sender of those postcards,

how about someone who comes here every morning with a grudge?

How about the likes of her!

-That's not really how the investigation works, sir.

-No, no.

That would be too logical altogether, wouldn't it? Come in!

# Perfect submission, perfect delight

# Visions of rapture now burst on my sight

# Angels descending, bring from above

# Echoes of the mercy, whispers of love

# This is my story, this is my song

# Praising my saviour all day long

# This is my story, this is my song... #

I walk like this, ten miles a day and I never lose one ounce.

You don't need to lose a single ounce.

It's all about the bass!

SHE LAUGHS

OK, but if you want to get an aerobic effect,

and I'm not saying you need to for one moment,

you have to move faster to burn fat.

Like this.

BOTH LAUGH

-Like that.

-Like the Olympics?

-Did I say that?

Goodnight, Mashinko.

Goodnight.

I would invite you in but it's not a nice place.

HE LAUGHS

Ms Kwama Lyons?

What do you want?

Well, why don't we start with you telling me your real name?

HE BABBLES

Where's Mummy?

Mummy's gone. Mummy's gone.

What do you mean, Mummy gone?

HE SCREAMS

Josh, Joshy. Arabella?

Conrad? Where's Mummy?

Mummy's gone.

What do you mean? It's Christmas Eve.

She left our presents under the tree. Can we open them now?

No, no, no. Let's get you on the potty. Come on.

She phoned you, I heard her.

-ARABELLA ON ANSWERPHONE:

-'Hello, Roger.

'I've gone away for a few days.

'It will give you a glimpse of what it's like to be me,

-'you spoiled, lazy utter cock...'

-Turn that off, Conrad.

'You have no idea what it's like to look after children and you

'have no idea at all what the last couple of years have been like.'

-Turn that off, Conrad! Joshy, come back.

-'You stupid, selfish sod!'

-Come here! For God's sake. Ow!

-'Welcome to my world.

-'Merry Christmas! Arabella.'

-I just want you to turn these things off

when I ask you. Is that clear?

-Joshy, come on.

-Dad!

There we go, there we go. JOSH WAILS

-'Hello, Roger. I've gone away for a few days...'

-Sit down, sit down.

Let's get you on the potty. Oh!

-For God's sake, turn that off.

-No!

-Dad!

-Agh!

'You have no idea what it's like to look after children

-'and you have no idea at all...'

-DOORBELL RINGS

There's Mummy! There's Mummy.

-'You stupid, selfish sod!'

-Dad!

-Oh.

-You've got to be kidding me!

-'Welcome to my world.

'Merry Christmas. Arabella.'

-Yes?

-Mr Yount? Where do you want the sofa?

Uh, I...I don't. Take it back.

-Well, I can't do that. The depot's in Cricklewood.

-Wait, wait!

Oh, no!

Hello, Mum. Happy Christmas.

What do you want?

I'm hungry, Daddy. I'm hungry!

I don't like eggs like this.

I don't like eggs like this, I like them eggy!

This is nice.

It's a miracle anything's warm, given the state of your cooker.

There's a knack with the switch.

These, um, postcards that you've been getting and...

You don't look well, Mum, and...

Don't you think now might be the right time to sell up?

Get a little flat close to us.

Not a home, somewhere where you'd still have your independence.

With, um, a warden perhaps,

and one of those emergency whatsits around your neck.

God knows you could afford it. What are these going for nowadays?

£1.5 million. Two if you tarted it up a bit.

-I don't want to move now.

-I know it's hard, Mum.

I know you've been here all your life, practically.

-It's too late now.

-No, it isn't.

-Yes, it is. It's too late!

There's something wrong, isn't there?

Mum?

-Witch's knickers!

-I beg your pardon?

Pilar told me. Witch's knickers.

-Where?

-There.

-So they are!

-Witch's knickers.

Here we are. Off we go. There you are.

HE YELPS

Ah.

-Simple pleasures.

-Yes.

-Do you live locally?

-No, I'm here to meet a friend. She works locally.

-My girlfriend, I think.

-You think?

Sorry, I didn't mean to be nosy.

Why do you say sorry so much in England?

Fear. HE LAUGHS

What do you have to be afraid of?

-You are safe, you are healthy, you are rich.

-I wouldn't go that far.

Not by London standards.

But by Zimbabwe's standards, perhaps.

Yes. Yes, of course. Sorry.

Sorry, I didn't mean to say sorry!

-I'm Roger.

-Mashinko.

-And uh, how do you find London?

-Oh, oh! I hate it.

Really?

I hate the weather, I hate the central heating,

I hate the unfriendly people.

I hate the roads that go nowhere.

Well, I can't argue with any of that.

But I have met a wonderful lady here.

Merry Christmas, Roger.

Oh, yes, of course. Merry Christmas.

# Hark! The herald angels sing

# Glory to the newborn king

# Peace on earth and mercy mild

# God and sinners reconciled

# Joyful, all ye nations rise

-# Join the triumph of the skies... #

-And those the passports?

# With angelic hosts proclaim

-# Christ is born in Bethlehem... #

-Yes.

# Hark! The herald angels sing

# Glory to the newborn King

# Christ by highest heaven adored

# Christ the everlasting Lord

# Late in time, behold Him come... THEY LAUGH

# Offspring of the Virgin's womb

# Veiled in the flesh, the Godhead see

# Hail the incarnate deity

# Pleased as man with us to dwell

# Jesus our Emmanuel

# Hark! The herald angels sing

# Glory to the newborn King. #

DOOR SLAMS

Daddy! Daddy! I want to paint the road.

-It's Christmas and I want to paint the road too.

-What time is it?

-I want to paint the road.

-What?

-What are you talking about, Conrad?

-Paint the road.

Dad! More men!

-Mr Yount?

-Yes.

Matya Balatu. The agency nanny.

Merry Christmas.