Schoolboy Crush Casualty

I was just thinking about Ollie.

It's a shame you can't just pick up the phone to him.

I know I'm her type. 20 says you're not.

A fool and his money are easily parted.

How are you feeling?

A bit more human, thanks to you. Yeah.

SHE GRUNTS

SHE VOMITS Oh, no, gosh.

It's me. Your dad.

JEZ CHUCKLES

Argh! What are you doing?

Er, what are YOU doing?

How's Alicia?

Explain.

I'm avoiding Ethan.

Why, because you look so rough?

No, but thanks for that.

Basically, he came back to mine last night, right?

And we were about to kiss, and I puked on his shoes.

How drunk were you? I was nervous! Right.

So, I snuck out, I left him on the sofa, and now

well, I can't face him, can I? DAVID SINGS SOFTLY

Definitely not, because now you're the girl whose puke wound up

between his toes, forever more. Are you kidding me?

DAVID CHUCKLES Not a fan of my singing, eh?

Don't give up your day job.

Or do, and then I won't have to listen to you.

I've been meaning to ask you, actually, what's with the bum bag?

Very '80s.

This? It's where I keep my gun.

You are very strange.

SINGING RESUMES

Ethan's coming! ALICIA GASPS

Ugh! You are the worst! DAVID CHUCKLES, CONTINUES SINGING

What's this?

Mum, give it back.

You've been texting your dad?

Give it back!

No. You can't be trusted with it.

You're a cow.

OK.

No, you can't do that. I hate you!

MUM!

MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO

Is it still OK that we knock off early?

Er... Of course it is.

I'll try not to burn the place down.

Well, that would be good. Although...

Alicia, we need a word. All these gentlemen callers.

Dipping your pen in the company ink, eh?

Yeah, as if. He slept on the sofa.

Right, better crack on.

Oliver, I said dinner.

WHISPERS: I'm going to kill him.

Oliver?

What have you done?

You in the business of abducting old women, are you?

You interfering plonks.

Hello there, I'm Dr Hardy.

"Hello there", you speccy berk.

This is Ms Sheila Bobbins, we think about eighty years old?

Never you mind how old I am!

She took a fall in the supermarket, possible fractured right wrist, her

eye also appears to be infected, but she refused to let me take any obs.

Me eyes went blurry, and I tripped, that's it. Capiche?

But while I'm here, you may as well give Little Sheila an MOT.

She's been out of sorts for weeks.

LITTLE Sheila?

Yeah, you deaf?

I'll see you later, Alicia, OK?

Ooh, that's a cat that's also called Sheila?

Yeah, and?

No, no, I'm not sure we can have a cat in here.

She's got just as much right to be here as you have.

I'm sorry, Ms Bobbins, we can't risk fleas in a hospital.

Why don't we tie her up outside?

I can have a look at you and then I'll put you in touch with a vet.

Does that sound OK?

Fine, but you ain't taking her nowhere, I'll take her.

PHONE RINGS Sorry.

Rosa?

You pay them no mind.

Sit. Good girl.

Rosa, it's OK. Calm down. I'll find him, I promise.

Hey, look where you're going! You could have killed me!

Hey, Dad.

Ollie!

It was a lunch-time thing, anyway.

So, most of them will be gone by now.

Or they'll be drunk. It'll be grand.

Me, you, some good tunes, what else do we need?

Yeah, come on.

White wine?

Thank you.

Sorry, do you know if he's here?

Allan Francis? Oh, yes. Come on, it's my song!

Do you know what? It's just hit me - we're all old.

Speak for yourself. Although my name's going to change

to Granny soon. Or Nana, maybe. Yeah! Peter's just broken the news.

Oh, check out the hair dos!

So, come on, then, who were the movers and the shakers?

Who was hot, who was not.

Well, I certainly wasn't a shaker, I can tell you that.

I was starting to think you weren't coming.

Gloria.

How are you?

Ignore him. He very was popular.

Er, no, that was you.

Well, you were very popular with me.

Sorry, Gloria. Duffy, this is Gloria.

Hello. Hi.

So, how have you been?

If you can condense 50 years in five minutes.

Great, on the whole.

I work in property, have my own business, which is stressful,

rewarding, you know. And you?

A nurse. Of course.

A very good one, in fact.

Of course. Are you two..?

Friends. Are you here with anyone?

Actually, there was one oaf from school I was expecting to see.

He used to bully me like crazy. It's a relief.

All right, Florence? My missus chewing your ear off, is she?

Hello, Allan.

Dream on, will you? Alicia, I got you a coffee.

Two sugars, yeah?

Why are you being so nice?

I was just buying a coffee and you were on my mind.

Thanks.

You've taken on the master.

I think Alicia's a little clever for you.

Hey, what was that about Alicia, you two?

Oh, come on!

Is this a uni house, or a hospital? Sort it out!

Come on, you!

Well, you know what they say - those who can become a doctor,

and those who can't become a nurse.

HE LAUGHS

Ah, come on, Florence. I'm only messing.

Remember when I got you drunk? It's a good one, this.

I made him do shots of Cinzano out my dad's cupboard.

Him clueless, because I'm drinking water.

Puked his guts up.

You had alcoholic poisoning!

Oh, we had a laugh. CHUCKLES

Well, we'd better mingle.

It's been really great catching up.

Really.

Nice to meet you.

See you in a bit. Ta-ra.

What is she doing with that idiot?

Obviously, she loves him.

So, how long have you had Little Sheila?

How long you had that face?

All me life, as it goes.

You will need a sling on that. Don't you manhandle me!

Are those cat scratches? They look infected.

Yeah. They must be very sore.

Ms Bobbins, I've been looking over your file here.

You've missed a few appointments at the falls clinic,

and there's also been some referrals to social care.

How are you getting on at home?

If you're asking, "Can I still wipe meself?" then yes, I can,

thank you very much.

Do you know what toxoplasmosis is?

What do you think?

It's an infection that can be caused by ingesting cat faeces.

Are you tapped in the head, son?

You asking if I eat Little Sheila's muck?

Oh, no. No, of course not.

But, if Little Sheila scratched you and there were traces of

faeces on her claws, that actually would be enough.

Are you sure you're OK at home?

I said so, didn't I?

There are options for help, you know.

There are some great residential homes.

We could get one of our discharge team to chat with you.

Homes don't take cats, it's a no.

And I don't like repeating meself.

OK, that's no problem. I'm going to go and see about these X-rays.

Doctor Munroe, you OK to chase up bloods?

Sure. Won't be long.

Hey there. Are you OK?

Jacob! Jacob, this is my son. Oliver.

Hey, no way! How you doing, old man? You all right?

Oliver. Come on, we're going home. No, I'm staying with dad.

I don't want to hear it. Get up! Oliver, get up.

Hold on, maybe we take this in the Relatives' Room? I hate her!

Don't say that. Just stay away from him.

Please, can we just keep this down? Get up.

I want to live with you. Please, can I?

No, you can't.

Because, in case you've forgotten, your father kidnapped you,

and ran off to Acapulco with a grubby little stripper,

remember that? Rosa!

Dad, please.

He's no dad. He's not even right in the head!

Stop talking.

This is my job.

Oliver.

Ols, you can't live with me.

Please, just do as your mother says.

Rosa, we need to talk.

I'll wait in the car.

Please? Just give me two minutes.

Is she for real? He kidnapped his own son?

I'm still in a state of shock. A granny?

Charlie, I'm so sorry. He thinks he's being funny, but....

Yeah, comedy is not his forte, is it?

Here. Let's all take that table. Come on.

Sit down. Thanks.

I was just thinking about when you used to run the tuck shop.

Yes, and I used to give you free...

BOTH: Cola cubes.

What's this, VIP table?

Well, I'll be back in a minute.

You after my missus?

Oh, come on. Don't you think you've had enough?

Oh, that's coming from a drip like you, is it?

OK, that's enough. Come along, Allan.

Oi, watch it.

Allan, come on. Shut up.

Cha...! Come on.

Get lost! Come on, hit me again.

No, no, no, that's enough. Try it! That's enough from both of you.

Come on! Hit me! No!

All right, stand back, everyone, please. Just give him a bit of room.

OK, I'm going to call this in.

Just keep an eye on him.

All right, all right. There's an ambulance on the way.

Looks like you may have dislocated your shoulder.

Let me take a look.

Get lost. OK, yeah, ambulance.

A dislocated shoulder can be agony.

But, I can put it right for you, right now.

Let him help you, Allan.

On three. ALLAN YELLS IN PAIN

Well done, well done. All done.

Good girl.

That's it. Come here. Those brutes, prodding and poking.

ROCK MUSIC ON RADIO

Right, let's hit the bricks.

How long has he been like that?

Like what?

Like that. He's different.

You don't know him any more.

I don't know, a year?

Can I help?

No.

I need to go.

Don't ever do that again.

Don't go behind my back.

Can I just...?

Can I just say goodbye to him, please?

Yeah, sure.

ROCK MUSIC ON RADIO

OLLIE COUGHS

Oh, no.

Flip! There's a fire.

OLLIE COUGHS

There's a fire!

Oh, I can't undo it.

Oh, oh, help, help!

Help!

Help! Let me out!

I need a hug. It's a long story.

I'm missing a patient, the cat lady.

Max! Max, there's a fire.

Quick, call 999!

Quick, call 999!

- Oliver. Oliver!

David, he's in there!

Ollie! David, stay back!

Ollie!

Get back!

Daddy's coming, Ollie!

Ollie! Ollie get over! Get over!

I'm coming.

Ollie, that's it, come on.

Come on, he's all right. Is he OK?

He's all right, he's breathing.

Are you all right? Yeah, I'm OK. I'm OK.

Everybody, get back.

Get back. Everybody, back!

Hi, he's over here. Allan Francis, 65.

Took a tumble before landing on glass. He's dislocated his shoulder.

This the OAPs' disco, is it?

Oi! Watch it, or you'll go over my knee.

All right, Allan? I'm Jez. How you doing?

Hiya, Jez, what do you think of this? This is my old school.

Had a few drinks, have you, mate?

Yes, this mob. They're terrible. I've reduced the shoulder.

He could do with pain relief,

and we'll be coming with you at his wife's request.

Can we get out of here, now?

MUSIC: You Really Got Me by The Kinks

OK, then, mate, if you just get up with me very slowly. OK.

We'll meet you there.

OK, I'll see you soon.

# Girl, you really got me now, you really got me going

# you got me so I don't know what I'm doing... #

Will you come on? # Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! #

This is Sheila Bobbins, one of my patients. About 80 years old.

She came in earlier with a fractured wrist.

Let's get her boarded and into Resus, please.

Hello, Sheila. I'm David. You're in good hands, all right?

We need to stem that bleed. Yeah, I'm on it.

Can somebody grab this cat, please?

David, where do you need me? My son.

OK, I've got him, don't worry. You don't say anything.

Have you seen outside? Difficult to miss. What have we got?

This is Allan Francis, 65 years old.

He was involved in a brawl at a party with Charlie Fairhead.

No loss of consciousness, but he's a little ethanolic.

GCS 15, BP 150/85, pulse 85, resps 18.

Oh, and a dislocated shoulder which was reduced by

the one and only Charlie Fairhead.

He was brilliant. Our hero, eh?

OK, we need two times IV access.

Let's send bloods and cross-match four units, please?

OK, on my count, please, nice and gently. One, two, three.

Can we get some analgesia in quickly, please?

It's all right, Sheila.

Can I get an X-ray over here?

Some deep and partial thickness burns.

Can we get those charted, please?

She's tachycardic.

All right, er... She's losing too much blood.

There's no time to wait for the cross-match.

Let's get some O-neg in now, please.

Don't do that, woman! It hurts!

Sir, if it's too painful to take it off, why don't we just cut it off?

Duffy? No, you won't, this cost a fortune.

Just let them help you, Al.

Get out if you don't like it.

Do you want to come...?

Are you all right?

I don't know.

It's never too late to make a change. You're not stuck.

SHEILA MOANS IN PAIN

OK, can I get the other side of the binder, please?

How's the scalp lac?

I'm trying.

OK, well done, Sheila, you're doing really well.

Please, make it stop.

We will, I promise.

David? Got it.

David? Got it.

Heart rate slowing.

We've got her. OK, good.

Let's get her down to CT as soon as poss, please.

David, go and be with your son.

Did you hear? He kidnapped his son.

OK, X-ray shows nothing's broken,

but you've got some glass lodged in your back.

Will it scar?

Probably. Nothing major, though.

I'd be worrying less about the scars,

and more about type 2 diabetes. At your age...

You sound like her now. She's al...

Oh, my arm feels weird.

It might be the dislocation.

My leg! What's happening?

Allan, can you squeeze my hands?

Duffy?

Allan, squeeze my hands.

ALLAN MOANS INCOHERENTLY Elle. Elle, in here,

Looks like he's having a stroke. A stroke? Is he OK?

Allan, can you follow my finger for me?

Duffy... It's OK, Gloria. We've got this.

Can you wait outside?

Allan, smile for me. Really big smile.

OK, let's get a CT immediately. OK.

What's happened? Hang on, Charlie. Porter, please.

That was crazy, right? Did you see what started the fire?

I don't know.

We won't be driving that car home. That's for sure.

Well, he looks all good to me.

I'll just call one of the doctors,

see if he wants to take any bloods, but I'm not worried.

CT shows no haemorrhage. Thank you. Clinically, it's a stroke.

I think our best option is thrombolysis.

That's the injection I told you about, Allan.

It disperses blood clots. Thank you.

It can help minimise the lasting damage.

Let's do it.

Gloria, this is a big decision.

The success rate is only about one in seven.

Plus, there's a real risk of bleeding to the brain.

That does happen in about 7% of cases.

But, in other cases, it really helps.

Do it.

How is she?

She's gone down to CT.

Did you hear that?

You've hurt someone. Does that even register with you?

Well, hang on, we don't know how the fire started.

Don't we?

Oliver?

Yeah, so?

I didn't know the car was going to blow up, did I?

Where are you going?

I need the toilet!

Wait a minute - are you saying he did that on purpose?

He knew he was starting a fire.

Whether he knew he was going to hurt someone...

Honestly? I don't know.

Rosa, we have got to tell the police. No.

Trust me, it's worse if we lie.

We'll tell them he's just a little kid.

It's not the first fire. He's got a record.

He could get arson with intent. If that woman dies...

I've got PC Lewin here.

Hiya. Becky. Becky's fine.

These are Oliver's parents, Rosa and David.

Do they know what started the fire?

Ruptured fuel tank is their best bet.

Makes sense. I pranged it earlier, I thought it was fine.

God, I feel awful.

As to what ignited it, any ideas?

David?

A lot of people smoke out there.

Right.

Rosa, do you mind if I just take a quick statement?

The car was in your name, right?

Oh, yeah, sure. Will you wait for Ollie?

How you feeling, Allan? Thirsty.

Say that again?

I said, I'm thirsty.

What about your arms? Squeeze my fingers for me.

It's better.

Smile for me.

Why? Indulge me.

Your symptoms are clearing up.

The thrombolysis is working.

So he's all right?

He'll need to be admitted under the stroke team,

a repeat CT and a few more tests, but...

But I'm OK?

Hopefully. Call this a warning shot, though.

Hey! Paeds have given you the all clear. How are you feeling?

Why? What do you care?

Of course I care.

Why'd you do it, Ols?

Hey? Why fire?

Just like it.

You hungry?

How's school?

You getting on all right? Got any friends?

Yeah. Tommy.

Tommy?

Great.

And is Tommy...

..here now?

Er, no, he's at his mum's house.

If she dies, am I a...murderer?

How would that make you feel?

Sad.

Yeah.

Do you ever hear voices, Ols?

Do you know what I mean?

Maybe a voice telling you to start fires?

What are you doing?

Oh, er, nothing. Nothing, just chatting.

No, you're not.

You're giving him a psych test.

Why don't I take Ollie?

No, come on. What's the verdict?

Have you lumbered me with your mental son?

That's enough!

Ollie? Ollie, wait!

He's a little boy.

I heard the news.

What a relief.

I owe you an apology.

Nah, it was me. I shouldn't have started it.

No, I was way out of line.

If there's anything I can do, anything at all.

I'll leave you to it.

I'll make it up to you, Glor. I will.

I'll book us an holiday in the Maldives, eh?

No.

Well, wherever, it don't matter.

Not the holiday. Us.

What?

We...need a divorce, Al.

What? Cos of one fight?

No, it's us. We don't work, Al.

We...We don't.

We do. We do!

You're my girl.

Come on, Glor.

When they said you had a stroke, I was really scared.

Not for your sake, but scared at the thought...

..I'd be stuck...with you.

Isn't that awful?

That's not love.

You deserve more.

I'll go to my sister.

Oliver!

Ollie? What are you doing up here?

Please, please just keep away from the edge. You might fall.

Please! Ollie talk to me. Talk to Daddy.

Mum thinks I'm mental.

No, no, no, she didn't mean that. And anyway, you're not.

People just have troubles, that's life.

Your brain gets noisy, and it's very, very hard.

But that's normal, and it always gets better.

You just need a little bit of help, that's all.

And it's nothing to be ashamed of.

You're ashamed. You don't talk about it.

Ollie. Ollie, look at me. Look at me.

You are going to be fine. WE are going to be fine.

And I promise you, I promise you it'll get better.

No, it won't. Yes, it...

OK, OK. I'll tell people, OK?

Does that make it better?

I've got bi-polar, but you know that, right?

Yep.

I've come off my meds, I've had breakdowns, big ones, I...

I've been sectioned, but that's OK, isn't it?

Yeah, it's OK. Absolutely.

You see, Ols, you see? It's OK, it's OK.

I've got bi-polar.

SHOUTS: I've got bi-polar.

Come on. Let's say it together.

Ready? Shout.

I'VE GOT BI-POLAR! HE'S GOT BI-POLAR!

See? Life can be fun.

My boy, my baby boy. I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Where's Little Sheila?

She got away?

Promise me you're not lying?

I promise.

She's in my car, spreading her fleas around as we speak.

Ms Bobbins, I'm afraid you have fractured your pelvis.

OK? It is quite a serious injury.

The X-ray also showed us some old fractures that have gone untreated.

What are you telling me?

We're going to admit you to a ward, all right?

Orthopaedics are going to operate on your pelvis.

This will be followed by some physiotherapy. I'm sorry.

It's going to be a while before you can care for yourself.

I'm not being cooped up. I've got Little Sheila.

She got her routines, her habits.

Have you got any family that could take her?

Or we could call a shelter for you.

You will not. You let me up.

Be careful, Sheila. You don't want to hurt yourself.

You get off me! You get off me!

OK, OK, just calm.

I'm so sorry, Ms Bobbins.

We didn't meet earlier, I'm Becky Lewin.

Take a seat.

It's about the fire, isn't it, Ols?

Yeah. I started it.

I was mad at my dad so I burnt his photo.

I didn't know about the petrol and stuff.

The car was damaged because Ollie drove it earlier.

We wanted to tell you because he wanted to be honest.

He's only ten. He's just a little boy.

I know you're only young, Ollie, but this is... This is serious.

You could be in a lot of trouble.

KNOCK AT DOOR DOOR OPENS

Sorry to interrupt.

Ms Bobbins has given me permission to let you know that

she's now stable, and we're going to take her up to a ward shortly.

Thank you very much, Dr Hardy.

If you start a fire and someone is hurt as badly as Ms Bobbins,

that can be a very serious criminal offence.

I believe you didn't mean to hurt anyone,

but you also took your mother's car.

You could have caused a major accident.

So, my hands are tied there.

I'll have to refer this to a Youth Panel.

They'll make a decision about what happens next. Do you understand?

Yes.

I'm also going to have to speak to Social Services.

They'll be in touch.

Hey, it's good you came forward.

Am I allowed to see her?

Yeah.

Thanks.

It's all right.

It's suspicious, though, isn't it?

Why would you have a laundry bag on a wheelchair?

You'd have it in a laundry trolley. I think the fact that the laundry

bag is wriggling is the most suspicious thing.

Ethan, you know before? I just didn't want the boys gossiping.

Hi, guys. Oh, hello.

Oh, Ethan, have you discharged Ms Watson from bay five?

Yes. MEOW

I'm just going to go and check.

Great. Make sure there are some air holes, for that cat.

Made us look a bit stupid, didn't it?

So, you're Freddie Fire-starter, are you?

I'm really sorry.

That's me and my mum's address.

If you want to come round when you're better,

you can have your tea with us, or watch telly, or whatever.

You make it sound so appealing(!)

I'll tell you what - when I'm better, I'll come around and we'll

have a nice bit of cake. I'll bring me cat and all. You like cats?

Good. Cos a man who don't like cats is a shifty snifter.

You remember that.

Go on, then, clear off.

I'll come knocking for that cake soon.

Thank you.

KNOCK AT DOOR Come in.

Sorry, Duffy told me you were here. I hope you don't mind?

No, not at all.

Is he OK?

Yes. Yes, he's all right.

You're shaking. Sit down.

I, erm... I left him.

Oh. Is that what you want?

Yes. Yes, it's right.

Good for you. It takes courage to decide when to walk away.

I always had a crush on you at school. Did you know?

No. Really?

Sliding doors, eh?

Yeah.

Um, I need some time,

but, in a few months, if you want to call me?

Bye, Charlie Fairhead.

Sheila? Somebody wants to say goodbye.

Oh, my girl! My best girl.

I'm not leaving you cos I don't love you. Don't think that.

Homes are not good for girls like us. We need our freedom.

I'll take her.

Dream on, I'm not leaving her with no-hopers like you.

Go on.

I'm lonely, I need to grow up a bit. She'll do me good.

Go on, please?

Fine, but there's some ground rules.

Don't brush her, she don't like it, and no collars,

she don't like a noose round her neck.

She likes tuna, out your pocket.

OK, and I'll bring her to visit.

Promise?

Promise.

BOTH GIGGLING

Here we go. Ready?

Come on. One more time.

Hey, why don't you go and get some crisps?

Thanks, Mum.

Look, I know it was a breakdown, but you still betrayed me.

So it's going to be hard to trust you again.

But you get him, in a way that I don't.

Do you swear to me, never again?

You'll never come off your meds?

Never. That's what this is for.

OK. I think he needs you.

But this time, we do it properly.

Supervised visits, the lot, OK?

OK.

Oi. Got you something.

Oh, you didn't need to do that.

Anyone would have done the same.

Sorry, it's all they had in the gift shop.

But it's the thought that counts, isn't it?

In conclusion, she hugged me, I win. No surprise there.

Never send a paramedic to do a man's job.

You reckon, yeah?

Yeah. I'll tell you what -

I'll speak to my divisional officer, and tomorrow morning,

you come on the rig with me and let's see how long you last.

Easy. Done. Actually, I could go for a slice before the pub.

You wish. This to fuel my yearly budget review.

OK, Dumb and Dumber, pay attention to the note.

Whoa, that's some mob-level stuff right there.

Oh, and wash your hands after you pee. Life tips.

Hang on - who's Dumb and who's Dumber. He's Dumber, right? Yeah?

Oh, Alicia, what you doing now? Can I buy you a drink?

Why? You know, just... Just one of them days.

Just so much... suffering.

Go to the pub and leave her alone.

What is their deal? They've been creeping me out all day.

From what I can gather, which is quite a lot, cos they're idiots -

they have a bet, who can kiss you first.

You're kidding? No.

They're dead.

I let you down.

Yep.

I'm an idiot.

Yep.

I should never have hit him. No.

And, as a medical professional, I am required to offer you

an appointment with an Alcohol Health Worker.

Are you serious?

Ha-ha. Hilarious(!)

I've fallen from grace, haven't I?

No.

It would take more than a bar brawl to taint my opinion of you,

Charlie-boy.

Good.

I tell you what, though -

it was kind of cool when they all cheered for me, wasn't it?

Yeah, it was very cool. Must have been nice seeing Gloria again.

Old flame reignited?

No. Past is best left in the past.

All right? Yeah.

Right, come on. Come on. Up you get.

Let's put you to bed.

Come on, nearly there. Nearly there.

There you are. Right, sit down.

There you are. There you are. Cosy, cosy, cosy.

Sir Terry was the ultimate master at talking to his audience.

Thank you for being my friend.

He comes from a country where the national hobby is talking.

This show is totally unrehearsed!

Terry Wogan and BBC go together.

You either have it or you don't, and he had it like nobody else.