6: The Ice Warriors - Cold War Doctor Who: Greatest Monsters & Villains

Hello, it's Joel here again in the TARDIS. Welcome to the second night

of Doctor Who's Greatest Monsters And Villains Weekend, where we find

the greatest Monsters and Villains, as voted for by you. If you missed

last night's rundown from ten through to seven, firstly, what

could have been more important than this, guys?

Other than perhaps the release of Clara's Christmas work-out DVD.

So no need to jump in the TARDIS and go back 24 hours to see what you've

missed when I can simply show you. In at ten it was those rhino-headed

Judoon. At nine, those Homo reptilia the Silurians. Ready to serve at

eight, it's the Ood. And being wound up by the Doctor at seven, it is of

course the Clockwork Droids. And coming tonight, I'll be taking you

from six right through to four. So stay tuned. Next up it's our

favourite helmet-headed reptilians from Mars. It is of course the Ice

Warriors. It is a native of the planet Mars. We go way back. They

first appeared with the second Doctor back in 1967 in The Ice

Warriors. Hmmm, catchy.

The Ice Warriors have made appearances in a number of stories

over the years, first showing up as planet plunderers intent on taking

over the Earth. We will be invincible X Mac Then invading to

take over the Earth's transmat system. Whatever that is. But

suddenly, when they reappear with the third Doctor, they had renounced

violence and joined the Galactic Federation before getting a little

lairy again. How very convenient! Those Martians haven't changed much

over the years, have they? But the one consistent thread throughout is

their strict warrior code of honour and conduct. For example, it is a

huge dishonour for an Ice Warrior to remove their armour. I live by the

same rules, guys. And by "armour" I mean "pants" and by "dishonour" I

mean "embarrassment for me and my family at Christmas". In this

incarnation, we finally see what the Ice Warriors look like without all

their armour and get-up. Like when Heat magazine shows you pap shots of

your favourite celebs leaving the gym or that moment in "Snog Marry

Avoid?" When they're handed the wet wipes. Definitely snog. But the real

reason why the Ice Warriors have made this exclusive list of Doctor

Who Monsters and Villains is that they are literally the coolest

aliens in the galaxy. Watch and learn.

You are our prisoner! My warriors will soon destroy those primitives.

Which others shall blink first? Coming up, we have the first

appearance of the Ice Warriors in over 39 years. And what a return it

is, when the most revered Ice Warrior of all turns up after being

frozen for over 5,000 years, only to find himself on a Russian nuclear

sub. This of course is the great Ice Warrior Skaldak in Cold War.

Five thousand years isn't such a long time,

'Signal is genuine. Signal is genuine.

We were about to blow up the world, Professor.

This is the Captain. Drill abandoned. All hands, stand down.

With respect, sir, we must run it again. Tomorrow.

Comrade Captain, the NATO exercises...

Sir, American aggression gets more intolerable by the day.

Did you have your specimen stowed OK?

Well, at least we have something to show

for our little hunting expedition. What is it? A mammoth?

Professor wants you thawed out back in Moscow, but...

ALARM BLARING Hold the bridge, port side!

Descending to 200 metres. We're under attack!

METALLIC CREAKING Bring her up, bring her up!

Not Vegas then! No. No, this is much better!

410. 420! Turbines still not responding!

Ah! Sideways momentum! You've still got sideways momentum!

What? Your propellers work independently of the main turbines.

You can't stop her going down but you can manoeuvre the sub laterally!

Geographical anomaly to starboard - probably an underwater ridge.

Look, we have just a chance to stop the descent if we settle on it.

Lateral thrust to starboard - all propellers! Sir? Now!

You're going to let this madman give the orders? Lateral thrust!

It seems we owe you our lives - whoever you are.

I'll hold you to that. Might come in handy!

Yes, I know, it's a WOMAN. Now search them!

East and West standing on the brink of nuclear oblivion.

Lots of itchy fingers on the button. Isn't it always like that? Sort of.

But there are flash points and this is one - hair, shoulder pads, nukes.

Clara! Doctor! Clara! METALLIC THRUMMING

Captain, we didn't know the type of your ship out here...

Yeah, well, that's till the rescue ship comes. IF it comes!

Oh, the sinking is just a coincidence, is it? Who are you?

You know what? Just this once, no dissembling, no psychic paper,

no pretending to be an Earth Ambassador.

Doctor - me and Clara, time travellers. Clara, you OK?

We arrived here out of thin air! You saw it happen! I didn't.

Your problem, mate, not mine! We were sinking... Yes. What happened?

We sank. No, what happened to the TARDIS? Never mind that. Listen...

Captain, breath's precious down here. Let's not waste it, eh?

What does it matter how we arrived? The important thing is to get...

Number one priority, not suffocating!

Eh? Ah, oh, thank you! Finally, seeing sense!

Now, what sort of state is the sub in? Doctor!

What about the radio? Can we send a... DOCTOR! What?!

We were drilling for oil in the ice. I thought I'd found a mammoth.

..WAY back. A Martian? You can't be serious.

Doctor! Just keeping it light, Clara, they're scared.

They're scared? I'M scared! GUN CLICKING

No, no, no, no, no, no! ELECTRONIC WHINING

Please, please, Wait! Just...there's no need for this!

You're confused, disorientated - of course you are.

You've been lying dormant in the ice for, for how long?

Can't blame you if you've got out of the wrong side of bed.

Please, just, why don't you tell us your name?

What're you talking about? It has a name?

Of course it has a name - and a rank. This is a soldier.

Sovereign of the Tharsisian caste, vanquisher of the Phobos Heresy.

The greatest hero the proud Martian race has ever produced.

The Ice Warriors have a different creed, Clara. A different code.

By his own standards, Skaldak is a hero.

It was said his enemies honoured him so much

they'd carve his name into their own flesh before they died.

Oh, yeah, very nice. He sounds lovely.

An Ice Warrior? Explain. There isn't time! Try me.

Martian reptile known as the Ice Warrior. When Mars turned cold,

they had to adapt. They're bio-mechanoid - cyborgs.

Bit of a design flaw, I always wondered why they never sorted it.

Find me, my brothers. If you are still out there.

Why are we listening to this nonsense, Captain?

These people are clearly enemy agents. Eh?

Pretty bad spies, mate. I don't even speak Russian!

Am I speaking Russian? How come I'm speaking Russian?

Are THEY speaking Russian? Seriously? Now?!

In my opinion, Comrade Captain, this creature is a Western weapon.

A weapon? Survival suit. What is the alternative?

Correction. It's a BIG green man from Mars.

I do not appreciate your levity, Professor.

Why does that not surprise me? Maybe they're telling the truth.

Yes. A revolutionary concept, I know.

It's essential that we inform Moscow of what we have found!

The radio's out of action, in case you hadn't noticed, Stepashin.

They have our last position. They will find us.

Well, the Cold War won't stay cold for ever, Captain.

For God's sake, Stepashin, you're like a stuck record!

I want you back on repairs immediately,

we need to keep this ship alive. Dismissed.

All we needed to do was let Skaldak go and he'd have forgotten us...

but you've attacked him. You declared war.

"Harm one of us and you harm us all."

That's the ancient Martian code. BEEPING

You hear that? Skaldak's sent out a distress call.

He'll bring down the fires of hell just for laying a glove on him!

Unless you talk to it? I'm the only one who can.

No. Out of the question. We're not losing you.

I'll do it. What? You can talk to it through me.

Skaldak won't talk to you! You're an enemy soldier!

How would he know that? A soldier knows another soldier.

He'll smell it on you! Smell it on you a mile off.

And he wouldn't smell it on you, Doctor?

Just let me in there before it's too late.

Well, there really is only one choice, isn't there?

No! No way. You're not going in there alone, Clara.

"Sovereign of the Tharsisian caste..."

"Sovereign of the Tharsisian caste. By the moons, I honour thee."

Please, let us help you. You're not our enemy.

I think he wants to speak to the organ-grinder, not to the monkey.

You're restrained until we can trust each other, Skaldak.

and don't even think about using that sonic weapon.

I was Fleet Commander of the Nix Tharsis.

5,000 years, now my daughter will be...dust!

'No, no, no, listen. Your people live on, Skaldak!'

And Mars will rise again, I promise you. Just, let me help you.

No listen, Clara, don't get too close.

Gone, what do you mean, gone?! It's got out!

It is time I learned the measure of my enemies.

'And what this vessel is capable of.'

Harm one of us and you harm us all!

HISSING Clara! Get out of there! GET OUT!

Actually, I've never seen one out of its armour before.

Won't it be more vulnerable out of its shell?

How did I do? Was I OK? This wasn't a test, Clara.

Skaldak got no answer from his Martian brothers.

But what can he do stuck down here like the rest of us?

This sub's stuffed with nuclear missiles, Zhukov.

What do you think Skaldak's going to do when he finds that out?

"How BAD can it be? How bad can it be?"

..the reactor is drowned, we are totally reliant on battery power

Rescue is unlikely but we still have a mission to fulfil.

then we are all that stands between this creature

Control of one missile is all he needs.

I know I can rely on every one of you to do his duty without fail.

this mewling time of peace, it doesn't suit us.

..and...together...we can form an alliance.

Both sides are capable of completely obliterating the other.

It's a state we call mutually assured destruction.

Even if a missile did get launched, that wouldn't be...it, would it?

I mean, what if they fired one by accident, what would happen then?

I told you, Clara. Earth is like a storm waiting to break, right now.

Both sides baring their teeth, talking up war.

But the world didn't end in 1983, did it? Or I wouldn't be here.

New. History's in flux. It can be changed.

One team stays here to guard the bridge.

Well, it's either that or we stay here and wait for him to kill us.

Is it true you've never seen one outside of its shell suit?

For an Ice Warrior to leave its armour is the gravest dishonour.

Skaldak is desperate, he is deadly and we have got to find him.

No, no, it was on the floor with this. Ah!

So, why have you got a cattle prod on a submarine?

We run across them when we're drilling.

I'd swap one for an Ice Warrior any day. Cuddlier!

What? Duran Duran - one of my favourites.

Don't worry about it. Think of something else.

Course I know it. We do it at karaoke.

You speak excellent Russian, my dear,

but sometimes I don't understand a word you're talking about.

If we get out of here, we'll be bloody heroes!

The first people in the world to discover a genuine, living...

I don't know. You hear stories, don't you?

Stories about the things the Kremlin don't want us to...

No, Professor. Not savage, forensic. Well, he's...dismantled them.

Skaldak's learning. Learning all about you.

It's a young man's game, all this dashing about!

I mean, I went in there and did the scary stuff, didn't I?

I went in there with the Ice Warrior and it went OK.

The Doctor told you, it's just the boat settling.

And the Doctor, what he said, is it true?

Martian Law decrees that the people of this planet are forfeit.

I now have all the information I require.

It will take only one missile to begin the process.

Grand Marshal, there is no need for this. Listen to me...

My distress call has not been answered. It will never be answered.

There is nothing left for me except my revenge.

There is something left for you, Skaldak. Mercy.

Mercy? You must wear that armour for a reason, my friend.

Let's see, shall we? No, Captain, wait!

I will do whatever it takes to defend my world, Doctor.

Yes, great, fine, good, but we're getting somewhere here.

We're negotiating, "jaw-jaw not war-war".

Very well, we'll negotiate but from a position of strength.

Excellent tactical thinking, my congratulations, Captain.

Unfortunately, your position is not, perhaps,

How did it do that? Sonic tech, Clara.

My world is dead but now there will be a second red planet!

Where is the honour in condemning billions of innocents to death?

5,000 years ago Mars was the centre of a vast empire.

The people of Earth had only just begun to leave their caves.

Five thousand years isn't such a long time,

they're still just frightened children. Still primitive.

I am Skaldak! This planet is forfeit under Martian Law.

Then teach them! Teach them, Grand Marshal!

Is this how you want history to remember you?

Grand Marshal Skaldak - Destroyer of Earth?

Because that's what you'll be if you send those missiles.

Five billion lives extinguished. No chance for goodbyes.

A world snuffed out like a candle flame!

you leave me no choice. I'm a Time Lord, Skaldak.

I know a bit about sonic technology myself.

before you can even reach that button, Grand Marshal.

Look in to my eyes and tell me you're capable of doing this.

Look into my eyes, Skaldak, come on! Face-to-face.

Why did you hesitate? Back there, in the dark.

You were going to kill this man, remember?

Why show compassion then, Skaldak, and not now?

The Doctor's right...billions will die...

..mothers, sons, fathers...daughters.

My people live, they have come for me!

We're surfaced, your people have saved us.

ALARM BEEPING We did it! We did it!

No. No, no, no, no, no! It's still armed.

# I'm lost and I'm found and I'm hungry like the wolf. #

The TARDIS! Where's the TARDIS? You never explained.

Oh, well, don't worry about that. Stop saying that! Where is it?

I've been tinkering...breaking her in.

Huh? I reset (the HADS!) The Hostile Action Displacement System!

If the TARDIS comes under attack, gunfire, time-winds, the...sea,

Oh! Ha, see, right on cue! Brilliant!

I am talking to the spirit that inhabits this house.

You didn't come here for the ghost, did you?

(Do you feel like you are being watched?)

(Are you coming? Where? To find the ghost?)

The Caliburn Ghast, the Maiden in the Dark, the Witch of the Well.

Hi, I'm Sam, live with a quick check on the Saturday sport.

Disappointment for England: they lost 30-22 to New Zealand in rugby

union's autumn internationals. Wales hammered Argentina 40-6. Australia

beat Ireland. To rugby league's World Cup: England

and France are battling it out in their quarterfinal in Wigan. It's

live over on BBC