Voyage of the Damned Doctor Who

TARDIS THRUMS

FOGHORN BLARES

What?!

WHAT?!

SHIP'S BELL RINGS

What?

LAUGHTER AND CONVERSATION

STRING VERSION OF "Jingle Bells" PLAYS

Ri-i-i-ght...

-OVER TANNOY:

-'Attention all passengers.

'The Titanic is now in orbit

'above Sol 3, also known as Earth, population - Human.

'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Christmas!'

Orbit, nice and steady.

Good work, Mr Cavill.

And maintain position.

Now then, gentlemen, according to the traditions of the planet below,

Christmas is a time of celebration.

I think you might be entitled to a tot of rum.

Just the one!

-Off you go.

-Sir.

-Sir.

I'll keep watch.

Sir.

And you, what was it?

Midshipman Frame, sir.

Only just qualified, sir. First trip out!

Then you can stand down, Midshipman.

But, erm...

Regulations say the bridge has to be staffed by two crew members at any one time, sir.

Well said. Very good!

Well, it should be nice and quiet.

It's only a Level 5 planet down below -

they don't even know we're here.

Silent night, I believe they call it.

A silent night.

Max Capricorn Cruiseliners,

the fastest, the furthest, the best.

And I should know, because...

my name is Max!

# Sleigh bells ring Are you listening

# In the lane Snow is glistening... #

-Merry Christmas, sir.

-Merry Christmas.

# We're happy tonight Walking in a winter wonderland

# Gone away is the bluebird Here to stay is a new bird

# He sings a love song As we go along

# Walking in a winter wonderland... #

It's not a holiday for me, not while I've still got my vone,

now do as I say and sell!

Evening, Passenger 57, terrible memory, remind me, you would be?

-IN ROBOTIC VOICE:

-Information. Heavenly Host, supplying tourist information.

Good! So, tell me, cos I'm an idiot, where are we from?

Information. The Titanic is en route from the Planet Sto in the Cassavalian Belt.

The purpose of the cruise is to experience primitive cultures.

Titanic, erm, who thought of the name?

Information. It was chosen as the most famous vessel of the Planet Earth.

Did they tell you why it was famous?

Information. All designations are chosen by Mr Max Capricorn,

President of Max... Max... Max... Max...

Max... Max... Max....

-Oops! Bit of a glitch.

-Sorry, sir, we can handle this.

Max... Max... Max....

HOST POWERS DOWN

Software problem, that's all, leave it with us, sir. Merry Christmas!

(That's another one down, what's going wrong with these things?)

That's eight of them now, on the blink.

One woman asked the Host to fix her necklace, it almost broke her neck.

In first class!

I've been over the robotics, nothing.

It's like something's got into them, some kind of bug.

Whoa, wait, wait.

Over there, bay 15!

Tell you what, if you can't fix them, throw them overboard.

< Over there on the left.

GLASS SMASHES

Oh, for Tov's sake, look where you're going!

This jacket's a genuine Earth antique!

-I'm sorry, sir.

-You'll be sorry when it comes off your wages, sweetheart!

Staffed by idiots! No wonder Max Capricorn's going down the drain!

Careful! There we go.

-Thank you, sir, I can manage.

-I never said you couldn't!

-I'm the Doctor, by the way.

-Astrid, sir, Astrid Peth.

Nice to meet you, Astrid. Merry Christmas!

-Merry Christmas, sir.

-Just Doctor, not sir.

-You enjoying the cruise?

-Um, yeah, I suppose, I dunno.

It doesn't quite work, a cruise, on your own.

-You're not with anyone?

-No, no, just me, just, er...

Used to be, but, erm...

No. What about you?

Long way from home, Planet Sto.

Doesn't feel that different.

Spent three years working at the spaceport diner,

travel all the way here, and I'm still waiting on tables.

No shore leave?

We're not allowed, they can't afford the insurance.

I just wanted to try it, just once...

I used to watch the ships heading out to the stars. And I always dreamt of...

-It sounds daft.

-You dreamt of another sky.

New sun,

new air, new life,

a whole universe teeming with life.

Why stand still when there's all that life out there?

So...you...travel a lot?

All the time. Just for fun.

Well, that's the plan, never quite works.

You must be rich, though.

Haven't got a penny.

(Stowaway.)

Kidding?

-Seriously!

-No!

-Oh, yeah!

How'd you get on board?

Accident! I've got this sort of ship-thing,

I was just rebuilding her, left the defences down,

bumped into the Titanic, here I am.

Bit of a party. I thought, why not?

-I should report you.

-Go on, then.

I'll get you a drink.

(On the house.)

Just ignore them.

-Something's tickled them.

-They told us it was fancy dress.

-Very funny, I'm sure.

-They're just picking on us

because we haven't paid. We won our tickets in a competition.

I had to name the five husbands of Joofie Crystalle in By The Light Of The Asteroid!

D'you ever watch By The Light Of The Asteroid?

-Is that the one with the twins?

-That's it! It's marvellous!

But we're not good enough for that lot, they think we should be in steerage.

Oh, can't have that, can we?

-Did you do that?

-Maybe.

-Oh, we like you!

-We do!

I'm Morvin Van Hoff, this is my good woman Foon.

-Foon! Hello! I'm the Doctor.

-I'm going to need one,

time I've finished with that buffet.

Have a buffalo wing!

They must be enormous, these buffalo, so many wings!

-OVER TANNOY:

-'Attention, please, shore leave tickets Red 6-7 now activated, Red 6-7...'

Red 6-7, that's us!

Are you Red 6-7?

-Might as well be!

-Come on, then!

We're going to Earth!

BEEPING

Seems to be power diverted to deck 31, sir.

It flared up, then it stopped.

Nothing to worry about, she's an old ship. Full of aches and pains.

Picking up a meteoroid shower, portside, bearing west 56, north 2.

Fairly standard in this part of space. Miles away.

We could probably see it, sir.

Red 6-7, Red 6-7, this way, fast as you can.

-I got you that drink.

-And I got you a treat! C'mon.

-Red 6-7, departing shortly.

-Red 6-7, plus one.

Er, quickly, sir, please, and take two teleport bracelets, if you would.

-I'll get the sack.

-Brand new sky!

To repeat, I am Mr Copper, the ship's historian,

and I shall be taking you to Old London Town in the country of Yookay.

Ruled over by Good King Wenceslas.

Now, human beings worship the great God, Santa,

a creature with fearsome claws

and his wife, Mary.

And every Christmas Eve, the people of Yookay go to war with the country of Turkey.

They then eat the Turkey-people for Christmas dinner. Like savages!

Excuse me, sorry, sorry, but...

um, where did you get all this from?

Well, I have a first-class degree in Earthonomics. Now, stand by.

And me! And me! Red 6-7! >

Take a bracelet, please, sir.

But hold on, hold on... What was your name?

Bannakaffalatta!

OK, Bannakaffalatta, but it's Christmas Eve down there,

late-night shopping, tons of people, he's like a talking conker...

No offence, but you'll cause a riot, cos the streets are gonna be packed with shoppers and parties and...

-Oh.

-Now, spending money.

I have a credit card in Earth currency, if you want to buy trinkets

or stockings or the local delicacy, which is known as beef,

but don't stray too far, it could be dangerous!

Any day now, they start boxing.

It should be full. It should be busy, something's wrong.

But it's beautiful.

Really?!

D'you think so? It's just a street. The Pyramids are beautiful, and New Zealand...

But it's a different planet! I'm standing on a different planet!

There's...concrete!

And shops! Alien shops!

Real alien shops!

Look, no stars in the sky!

And it smells... It stinks!

Oh, this is amazing! Thank you!

Yeah?!

Come on, then, let's have a look.

Hello, there, sorry,

obvious question, but... where's everybody gone?

Oh, ho, scared.

Right, yes, scared of what?

Where've you been living?

London! At Christmas!

Not safe, is it?

-Why?

-Well, it's them! Up above.

Look, Christmas before last, we had that big bloody spaceship. Everyone standing on the roof!

And then last year, that Christmas Star,

electrocuting all over the place, draining the Thames.

-This place is amazing!

-And this year, Lord knows what.

So everyone's scarpered, gone to the country.

All except me, and Her Majesty.

'Her Majesty the Queen has confirmed that she will be staying in Buckingham Palace

'throughout the festive season, to show the people of London,

'and the world, that there's nothing to fear.'

Gawd bless her.

We stand vigil.

Well, between you and me, I think Her Majesty's got it right.

As far as I know, this year, nothing to worry about.

Then again...

I was in mid-sentence!

Yes, I'm sorry about that,

bit of a problem...

If I could have your bracelets?

Apologies, ladies and gentlemen and Bannakaffalatta,

we seem to have suffered a power fluctuation.

If you'd like to return to the festivities,

and on behalf of Max Capricorn Cruiseliners, free drinks will be provided.

Thank you. >

That was the best. The best.

What sort of power fluctuation?

That's a bit odd, sir.

The meteoroids are changing course.

-Still. We can put the shields up to maximum, just in case.

-As you were, Midshipman.

Sir?

You're magnetising the hull, sir. It's drawing the meteors in.

-COMPUTER:

-'Port turning earthside...'

I take it that's deliberate? Bit of a light-show for the guests?

Something like that.

# You shouldn't be here What's your tale

# I ought to throw you to the whale

# He just smiled and said Come here, let's dance

# He said, borrow or steal I'll find a way

# To be with my lover upon Christmas Day

# And I'll run and I'll roam I'll cover the ground

# This Christmas I'll see you I'll be around... #

'And I should know because my name is Max.

'The fastest, the furthest...

'..the best.

'My name is Max.'

SPEAKING TUBE WHISTLES

'Captain? There's a meteoroid storm coming in...'

West zero by north two.

-Who is this?

-Never mind, check your scanners!

You've meteoroids coming in and no shielding!

You have no authorisation, you will clear the comms at once.

Yeah? Just look starboard!

If you could come with me, sir.

But he's right, sir, the shields HAVE been taken offline.

-Step away from there.

-But we have to re-energise, sir.

I said step away, Midshipman.

You've got a rockstorm heading for this ship, and no shields!

-They promised me old men.

-I'm sorry, sir?

On the crew.

Sea dogs. Men who'd had their time.

Not boys.

Listen to me! This is an emergency!

Get to the lifeb...!

I'm sorry, sir, it's my duty.

GUNSHOT

Look out the windows!

If you don't believe me, check the shields yourself!

Sir, I can vouch for him!

Steward, he's just had a bit too much to drink.

- Something's wrong, all the teleports have gone down. - Not now!

-COMPUTER:

-'Oxygen membrane holding. Oxygen membrane holding.'

You, there. Has anyone checked the external shielding?

Information.

You are all going to die.

-Where's the Chief Steward?!

-He went that way, sir.

The shields are down, we're going to get hit!

-You're gonna kill us...

-I'm dying already.

Six months.

And they offered me so much money...

..for my family.

Oi, Steward! I'm telling you, the shields are down!!

Listen to him, listen to him!

'Max Capricorn...'

Darling, come and have a look at this.

'The fastest...'

-COMPUTER:

-'Red alert. Red alert.'

'..the furthest...

'..the best...

'..the best...'

SCREAMING

Help me! Help me!

Everybody, just please stay calm!

< My foot!

My foot!

Help me!

Sh!

It's stopping.

SHIP CREAKS

You all right?

I think so.

Bad name for a ship.

Either that, or this suit is really unlucky.

Ladies and gentleman, and Bannakaffalatta...

I must apologise, on behalf of Max Capricorn Cruiseliners.

-We seem to have had a small collision.

-Small!

-D'you know how much I paid for my ticket?!

-If I could have silence.

EVERYONE TALKS AT ONCE

QUIET!

Thank you. I'm sure Max Capricorn Cruiseliners

will be able to reimburse you for any inconvenience.

-But first, I would point out that we're very much alive...

-Doctor!

..it is, after all, a fine and sturdy ship.

If you could all stay here,

while I ascertain

the exact nature of the...situation.

Don't open it!

-COMPUTER:

-'Oxygen shield stabilised.'

Everyone all right? Astrid? Foon?

Morvin, Mr Copper?

-Bannakaffalatta?

-Yes.

-You, what was your name?

-Rickston Slade.

-You all right?

No thanks to that idiot.

The steward just died!

Then he's a dead idiot!

All right, calm down!

Just stay still, all of you, hold on...

What happened? How come the shields were down?

I don't think it was an accident.

How many dead?

We're alive. Just focus on that.

I will get you out of here, Astrid.

I promise. Look at me.

I promise.

Good. Now, if we can get to reception,

I've got a spaceship tucked away, we can all get on board and...

-Oh-h-h.

-What is it, what's wrong?

-That's my ship, over there.

-Where?

There, that box, that little blue box.

-That's a spaceship?

-Oi, don't knock it.

-It's a bit small.

-A bit distant.

Trouble is, once it's set adrift, it's programmed to lock on to the nearest centre of gravity.

And that would be...

..the Earth.

Don't just stand there, get this thing off me!

Host! That's an order! Help me! That IS your job, isn't it?

Information. We now have only one function.

And what's that?

Information. To kill.

What are you doing?

Host! I'm ordering you, stop it!

Stop it, right now!

Deck 22 to the bridge. Deck 22 to the bridge...

'is there anyone there?'

This is the bridge.

Oh! Hello, sailor! Good to hear you! What's the situation up there?

Erm...we've got air...

The oxygen field is holding. But the Captain...

He's dead.

He did it, oh, my Vot, he took down the shields...

There was nothing I could do, I tried, I did try.

All right, stay calm, what's your name?

Midshipman Frame.

Nice to meet you, sir. What's the state of the engines?

They're, um...

HE GASPS

Hold on...

HE GROANS IN AGONY

Have you been injured?

I'm all right...

Oh, my Vot. They're cycling down.

That's a Nuclear Storm drive, yes?

-'Yeah.'

-The moment they're gone, we lose orbit?

The planet...

Oh, yes.

If we hit the planet, the Nuclear Storm explodes

and wipes out life on Earth.

I need you to fire up the Engine Containment Field and feed it back into the core.

That's never gonna work!

'Trust me, it'll keep the engines going'

-till I get there.

-We're gonna die!

Are you saying someone's done this on purpose?

< We're gonna die!

OK, OK, just hush! First things first.

One, we're gonna climb through this ship.

B - no, two - we're gonna reach the bridge.

Three, or C, we're gonna save the Titanic.

And coming in a very low four, or D,

or that little "iv" in brackets they use on footnotes - why?

Right, then! Follow me.

Hang on a minute, who put you in charge?

And who the hell are you, anyway?

I'm the Doctor. I'm a Time Lord.

I'm from the planet Gallifrey in the constellation of Kasterborous,

I'm 903 years old, and I'm the man who's going to save your lives

and all six billion people on the planet below.

You got a problem with that?

-No.

-In that case...

allons-y!

Careful.

Follow me.

It's rather ironic, but this is very much in the spirit of Christmas.

It's a festival of violence!

They say that human beings only survive depending on whether

they've been good or bad. It's barbaric!

Actually, that's not true, Christmas is a time of peace and thanksgiving and...

Oh, what am I on about? My Christmases are always like this!

Ah, we've got a Host!

Strength of ten!

If we can mend it, we can use it to fix the rubble.

We can do robotics! Both of us!

We work on the Milk Market back on Sto, it's all robot staff.

See if you can get it working.

Let's have a look...

-It's blocked.

-So what do we do?

-We shift it.

-That's the attitude!

Rickston! Mr Copper! And you, Bannakaffalatta...

Look, can I just call you Banna? It's gonna save a lot of time.

No! Bannakaffalatta!

All right then, Bannakaffalatta, there's a gap, in the middle, see if you can get through.

Easy! Good!

CRASHING

This whole thing could come crashing down!

Oh, Rickston, did you get that message?

-No, what message?

-Shut up.

Bannakaffalatta made it!

I'm small enough, I can get through.

-Careful.

-I'm fine.

Thing is, how are Mr and Mrs Fatso going to get through that gap?

We make the gap bigger. So start!

Hey, hey! Come on, sweetheart.

Don't listen to him.

No, but it's all my fault, though.

-The tickets.

-We won them, fair and square.

-I know.

I never told you...

I dialled the competition line 5,000 times.

That's 5,000 credits, I might as well have paid for the tickets.

I've been hiding the vone bill for months now.

5,000 credits?

-You spent 5,000 credits?

-Don't hate me.

What's so funny?

5,000?

-We'll never pay that off.

-I know! We'll have to work for 20 years!

You mad bloody woman!

You're not cross?

Does it matter?

Well, look at us!

You drive me barmy!

I don't half love you, Mrs Van Hoff. C'mere.

RAUCOUS LAUGHTER >

What happened, did they find a doughnut?

I can clear it from this side, just tell me if it starts moving!

-Bannakaffalatta, what's wrong?

-Sh!

-What is it?

-Can't say.

Are you hurt?

Ashamed.

-Of what?

-Poor Bannakaffalatta!

You're a cyborg!

Had accident.

Long ago. Secret.

No, but everything's changed, now!

Cyborgs are getting equal rights.

They passed a law, back on Sto, you can even get married.

Marry you?

Well, you can buy me a drink first!

Come on, let's recharge you.

Just stay there for a bit.

-Tell no-one.

-I promise.

What's going on up there?

Oh, I think Bannakaffalatta and I just got engaged.

HE LAUGHS

SPEAKING TUBE WHISTLES

-This is the Bridge.

-This is kitchen number five.

How many of you are there?

Six of us. Just about. Are we the only ones left alive, sir?

No, there's more on deck 19...

Hold on, if I reverse the scanner...

There's 50, 60 people, still alive all over the ship, hold on...

I can see you! Kitchen five, there you are!

Listen, everyone's heading for the bridge,

don't go portside, there's no air, can you head starboard?

We're stuck, the doors have sealed, we can't get out.

No, wait a minute.

It's opening!

There's someone on the other side!

Host, we've got Host! The Host are still working!

That's brilliant, tell them to clear a path to the bridge.

Did you get that?

Kitchen five, report.

Hello, kitchen five?

SCREAMS AND SHOUTS

Report!

-Almost done!

-Good, good, good!

-Mr Frame, how's things?

-Doctor...

I've got life-signs all over, but they're going out, one by one.

What is it, are they losing air?

No, one of them said it was the Host, it's something to do with the Host.

It's working!

-Kill...

-Turn it off, turn it off!

..kill, kill, kill,

kill, kill, kill, kill...

-Go!

-Morvin!

It's frozen, can't stop it!

Won't work... double deadlock!

..kill, kill...

-Go upstairs!

-Run!

Information. Kill, kill, kill, kill...

-Rickston! Get them through!

-No chance!

- Rickston! - I'll never get through there!

Yes, you can, let me go first.

The Host have gone berserk! Are you safe?

Kill, kill, kill...

-No, I'm stuck!

-Come on! You can do it!

It's gonna collapse.

Rickston, Vot damn it, help me!

-No way!

-Morvin! Get through!

Kill, kill...

Doctor, he's stuck.

Mr Van Hoff, I know we've only just met but you'll have to excuse me.

Got you! Doctor, come on! Get through!

Information override! What's the origin of your command structure?

-I can't hold it!

-Information deck 31.

Thank you!

Let go!

Morvin, look! Food!

-Oh, great, someone's happy.

-Don't have any, then!

SPEAKING TUBE WHISTLES

-Mr Frame? Are you still there?

-Yes, sir.

But I've got Host outside, I've sealed the door.

They've been programmed to kill, why?

That's not the only problem, Doctor.

I had to use a maximum deadlock on the door. Which means...

no-one can get in.

I'm sealed off.

Even if you can fix the Titanic,

-'you can't get to the bridge.'

-Yeah.

Right. Fine! One problem at a time. What is on deck 31?

That's down below, it's nothing...

It's just the Host Storage Deck, that's where we keep the robots.

But what's that? D'you see?

That panel of black,

it's registering...nothing. No power, no heat, no light.

-'I've never seen it before.'

-100% shielded, what's down there?

I'll try intensifying the scanner.

Let me know if you find anything.

And keep those engines going!

Saved you some.

-You might be a Time King from Gaddabee, but you still need to eat.

-Yeah. Thanks.

Though you look good for 903.

-You should see me in the mornings.

-OK.

Doctor! Must be well past midnight,

Earth time. Christmas Day.

So it is. Merry Christmas.

This Christmas thing, what's it all about?

Long story.

I should know, I was there. I got the last room.

But if the planet's waking up, can't we signal them?

They could send up a rocket or something.

They don't have spaceships.

No, I've read about it, they have the shuffles. Space shuffles.

Mr Copper, this degree in Earthonomics, where's it from?

-Honestly?

-Just between us.

Mrs Golightly's Happy Travelling University And Dry Cleaners.

D'you... You lied to the company?

To get the job?

I wasted my life on Sto.

I was a travelling salesman, always on the road,

and I reached retirement with nothing to show for it, not even a home.

And Earth sounded so...exotic.

Mm, yeah, I suppose it is, yeah.

How come you know it so well?

I was sort of, um...

A few years ago, I was sort of made, well...

Sort of homeless, and...

There was the Earth.

The thing is, if we survive this, there'll be police, and all sorts of investigations...

Now the minimum penalty for spacelane fraud is ten years in jail.

Well, I'm an old man,

I won't survive ten years!

BANGING

Host! Move! Come on!

Is that the only way across?

On the other hand, it IS a way across.

-The engines are open.

-Nuclear Storm drive.

Soon as it stops, the Titanic falls.

-But that thing, it'll never take our weight.

-You're going last, mate.

It's nitrofine metal. It's stronger than it looks.

All the same, Rickston's right, me and Foon should go la...

HE SCREAMS

Morvin!

I told you! I told you!

- Just shut up, shut up! - Bring him back!

Can't you bring him back? Bring him back, Doctor!

-I can't, I'm sorry, I can't.

-You promised me!

I know, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Doctor, I rather think those things have got our scent.

-I'm not waiting.

-Careful!

Take it slowly!

EXPLOSION

-Vot help me...

-You're OK! Step at a time.

Come on. You can do it.

..kill, kill...

They're getting nearer.

I've got to seal us in...

-Leaving us trapped, wouldn't you say?

-Never say trapped. Just...

-inconveniently circumstanced.

-Oh!

-I'm OK...

-Maybe he's all right, maybe there's a gravity curve

down there, or something, maybe he's just unconscious...

I'm sorry, Foon.

He's gone.

What am I gonna do without him?

Yes! Oh, yes! Who's good?!

-Bannakaffalatta, you go next.

-Bannakaffalatta small!

-Slowly!

They've found us!

Astrid, get across, right now.

-What about you?

-Just do it, go on!

Mr Copper, we can't wait, after you.

Don't argue!

Foon, you've got to get across right now.

What for? What am I going to do without him?

Doctor! The door's locked!

Just think, what would he want, eh?

He don't want nothing, he's dead!

Doctor! I can't open the door!

We need the whirring key thing of yours.

-I can't leave her!

-She'll get us all killed if we can't get out!

Mrs Van Hoff! I am coming back for you. All right?

Too many people!

Oi! Don't get spiky with me. Keep going!

-It's gonna fall!

-It's just settling. Keep going.

POUNDING AT DOOR STOPS

They've stopped.

Gone away?

-Why would they give up?

-Never mind that, keep coming!

But where have they gone?

Where are the Host?

I'm afraid we forgot the traditions of Christmas...

that angels have wings.

Information. Kill.

Arm yourself! All of you!

Argh!

Ohhh!

I can't...

Bannakaffalatta, stop!

Bannakaffalatta proud!

Bannakaffalatta...cyborg!

Electromagnetic pulse took out the robotics!

Oh, Bannakaffalatta, that was brilliant!

He's used all his power.

Did good?

You saved our lives.

Bannakaffalatta happy.

We can recharge you, get you to a powerpoint, plug you in.

Too late.

No, but you've got to get me that drink, remember?

Pretty girl.

I'm sorry, forgive me...

-Leave him alone.

-It's the EMP transmitter, he'd want us to use it.

I used to sell these things, they'd always give me a bed for the night, in the Cyborg Caravans.

Good people.

But if we can recharge it, we can use it as a weapon against the rest of the Host.

Bannakaffalatta might have saved us all.

D'you think? Try telling him that.

-Information. Reboot.

-Use the EMP!

-It's dead.

-It's gotta have emergency...!

No! Hold on! Override! Loophole! Security Protocol...ten!

666? Uh, 21? 4, 5, 6, 7, 8? I don't know, 42?

Erm...one!

Information. State request.

Good!

Right. You've been ordered to kill the survivors, but why?

Information. No witnesses.

But this ship's gonna kill everyone on Earth,

the human race has nothing to do with the Titanic, that contravenes your orders!

-Information. Incorrect.

-But...

-Why destroy the Earth?

-Information. It is the plan.

-What plan?

Information. Protocol grants you only three questions, these three questions have been used.

Well, you could've warned me!

Information. Now you will die.

You're coming with me.

NO!!!

No more.

Get yourselves up to reception one,

once you're there, Mr Copper,

try to find a way of transmitting an SOS.

Astrid, take this, powered up, it'll take out Host within 50 yards,

but then it needs 60 seconds to recharge.

Rickston, take this...

I've pre-set it, just hold down that button, it'll open the doors. Do NOT lose it, got that?

Now go and open the next door.

-Go on, go!

-All right!

-Mr Copper, I need you fighting fit. Astrid, where's the powerpoints?

-Under the comms.

When it's ready, that blue light comes on, there.

You're talking as if you're not coming with us.

I'm gonna find out what's on deck 31.

-What if you meet a Host?

-Well, I'll just...have some fun!

Sounds like you do this kind of thing all the time.

Not by choice.

All I do is travel, that's what I am, just a traveller.

Imagine it!

No tax, no bills, no boss.

Just the open sky.

I'm sort of...

unemployed now.

I was thinking, that blue box is kind of small, but...

I could squeeze in it. Like a stowaway.

-It's not always safe.

-So you need someone to take care of you.

I've got no-one back on Sto, no family. Just me.

So what d'you think?

Can I come with you?

Yeah. I'd like that, yeah.

EXPLOSION

Mr Frame, are you still with us?

It's the engines, sir. Final phase!

There's nothing more I can do, we've only eight minutes left.

-Don't worry, I'll get there.

-But the bridge is sealed off!

Yeah, yeah! Working on it! I'll get there, Mr Frame. Somehow!

All charged up!

Mr Copper, look after her. Astrid, look after him.

Rickston, erm...look after yourself.

And I'll see you again.

-I promise.

-Hold on.

There's an old tradition on Planet Sto...

-I have really got to go.

-Just wait a minute.

Yeah, that's a...very old tradition, yeah.

See you later.

Oh, yes.

Do it!

Wait, wait! Security Protocol One!

D'you hear me? One! One!

OK. That gives me three questions.

Three questions to save my life, am I right?

Information. Correct.

No, that wasn't one of them, I didn't mean it, that's not fair!

-Can I start again?

-Information. No.

No, no, no, that wasn't a question either! Blimey.

One question left. One question.

So! You've been given orders to kill the survivors, but survivors must therefore be passengers or staff,

but not me, I'm not a passenger, I'm not staff, go on, scan me,

you must have bio-records, no such person on board, I don't exist,

therefore, you can't kill me, therefore, I'm a stowaway,

and stowaways should be arrested and taken to the nearest figure of authority,

and I reckon the nearest figure of authority is on deck 31.

Final question - am I right?!

Information. Correct.

Brilliant!

Take me to your leader!

I've always wanted to say that.

Rickston, seal the doors, make the room secure.

Mr Copper, keep an eye on the Host, I need to check the computer,

we need that SOS!

Bridge...this is Reception One.

-Who's that?

-Astrid Peth - I was with the Doctor. Tell me, can you divert power to the teleport system?

No way. I'm using everything for the engines.

It's just one trip, I need to get to deck 31.

And I'm telling you, no!

Mr Frame.

This is for the Doctor.

He's gone down there, on his own, and I...

I can't just leave him.

'He's done everything he can to save us...'

It's time we did something to help him.

'Giving you power.'

Mr Copper. I'm going to find him.

Good luck.

Wow.

Now...

that is what you'd call a fixer-upper.

Come on, then, Host with the most.

This ultimate authority of yours, who is it?

Oh, that's clever.

That's an Omnistate Impact Chamber.

Indestructible! You could survive anything, in there, you could sit through a supernova.

Or a shipwreck.

But only one person could have the power and the money to hide themselves on board like this.

And I should know, cos...

My name is Max.

-It really does that?!

-Who the hell is this?

-I'm the Doctor, hello!

Information. Stowaway.

-Well...

-Kill him.

Oh, no, no, no, no, wait!

But you can't, not now, come on! Max!

You're giving me so much good material! Like...

how to get a head in business.

D'you see? Head? Head?

Head? No?

Ho, ho! The office joker.

I like a funny man.

No-one's been funny with me for years.

I can't think why.

176 years of running the company have taken their toll.

Yeah, but...nice wheels.

No. A life-support system,

in a society that despises cyborgs.

I've had to hide away for years, running the company by hologram. Host!

Situation report!

Information. Titanic is still in orbit.

Let me see...

We should've crashed by now, what's gone wrong?

The engines are still running, they should have stopped!

When they do, Earth gets roasted... What's Earth got to do with it?

This interview is terminated.

No, no, no, no! But hold on, hold on, wait!

I can work it out, it's like a task, I'm your apprentice, just watch me...

So!

The business is failing, you wreck the ship, that makes things even worse... Oh! Yes!

No.

Yes!

The business isn't failing, it's failed, past tense!

My own board voted me out, stabbed me in the back.

If you had a back. So! You scupper the ship,

wipe out any survivors, just in case anyone's rumbled you...

and the board find their shares halved in value.

Oh, but that's not enough!

No. Cos if a Max Capricorn ship hits the Earth, it destroys an entire planet...

Outrage back home, scandal!

The business is wiped out!

And...the whole board thrown in jail, for mass murder.

While you sit there, safe inside the Impact Chamber.

I have men waiting to retrieve me from the ruins,

and enough offworld accounts to retire me to the beaches of Penhaxico Two.

Where the ladies, so I'm told, are very fond of...metal.

So that's the plan.

A retirement plan!

2,000 people on this ship,

six billion underneath us, all of them slaughtered, and why?

Because Max Capricorn is a loser!

-I never lose!

-You can't even sink the Titanic!

Oh, but I can, Doctor!

I can cancel the engines from here.

SIREN WAILS

-COMPUTER:

-'Engines closing.'

No, no, no, no, no, no! NO!

'Engines closing.'

What's happening?

-You can't do this!

-Host! Hold him!

Not so clever now, Doctor.

A shame we couldn't work together, you're rather good.

All that banter, yet not a word wasted.

Time for me to retire.

The Titanic is falling. The sky will burn.

Let the Christmas inferno commence.

Oh!

Host...

kill him.

Mr Capricorn!

I resign.

Astrid, don't!

He's cut the brake line!

Astrid!

-COMPUTER:

-'Titanic falling. Voyage terminated. Voyage terminated.'

Argh!

'Deadlock broken.'

Midshipman Frame! At last!

-But the Host...

-Controller dead, they revert to the next highest authority. And that's me!

There's no power, the ship's gonna fall.

'Titanic falling.'

-What's your first name?

-Alonso.

'Titanic falling.'

-You're kidding me.

-Why?

That's something else I've always wanted to say.

Allons-y, Alonso!

TOOTING

Hello, yes, erm... Could you get me Buckingham Palace?

And as dawn rises over Great Britain, it seems that, this year,

the City of London has escaped alien intervention...

The Queen has remained in residence, in defiance of extraterrestrial attack...

Listen to me! Security Code 771, now get out of there!

Open the door!

CORGI WHINES

Don't you dare, you aliens! Don't you dare!

'Engine active. Engine active.'

SCREAMING AND SHOUTING

PANTING

YELLING

Thank you, Doctor! Thank you! Happy Christmas.

BARKING

GROANING

LAUGHING

Yes! Oh, yes!

Woo-hoo!

Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Used the heat of re-entry to fire up the Secondary Storm Drive.

Unsinkable. That's me.

We made it.

Not all of us.

Teleport!

She was wearing a teleport bracelet!

Rickston! Sonic!

Mr Copper, the teleports, have they got an emergency setting?

-I don't know, they should have.

-She fell, Mr Copper.

-What's the emergency code?

-Let me...

-What the hell are you doing?

-We can bring her back!

If a passenger has an accident on shore leave and they're still wearing their teleport,

-their molecules are suspended and held in stasis, so if we can just trigger the shift.

-There!

-I'm falling.

-Only halfway there. Come on!

-I keep falling.

-Feedback the molecule grid. Boost it with the restoration matrix. No, no, no!

-Need more phase containment.

-Doctor...

-If I can just link up the surface suspension.

-Doctor, she's gone.

-I just need to override the safety. I can do this, I can do it.

-Doctor.

Let her go.

-I can do anything!

-Stop me falling.

There's not enough left, the system was too badly damaged.

She's just atoms, Doctor.

An echo, with the ghost of consciousness.

She's stardust.

Astrid Peth. Citizen of Sto.

The woman who looked at the stars and dreamt of travelling.

There's an old tradition.

Now you can travel forever.

You're not falling, Astrid. You're flying.

The engines have stabilised, we're holding steady till we get help and I've sent the SOS.

A rescue ship should be here within twenty minutes.

And they're digging out the records on Max Capricorn. Should be quite a story.

-They'll want to talk to all of us, I suppose?

-I'd have thought so, yeah.

I think one or two inconvenient truths might come to light.

Still, it's my own fault.

And ten years in jail is better than dying.

Doctor...

I never said...

thank you.

The funny thing is...

..I said Max Capricorn was falling apart.

Just before the crash,

I sold all my shares.

Transferred them to his rivals.

It's made me rich. What do you think of that?

BLEEPING

Salvain? Those shares, I want them triple-bonded and locked...

Of all the people to survive, he's not the one you would have chosen, is he?

But if you could choose, Doctor, if you could decide who lives and who dies...

..that would make you a monster.

Mr Copper...

I think you deserve one of these.

So, Great Britain is part of Yooropee,

and just across the British Channel,

you've got Great France and Great Germany.

No, no, it's just France and Germany, only Britain is Great.

And they're all at war with the continent of Hamerica?

No. Well, not yet. (You could argue that one.) There she is!

Survive anything!

You know, between you and me, I don't even think this snow is real,

I think it's the ballast from the Titanic's salvage entering the atmosphere.

Yeah. One of these days, it might snow for real.

So! I suppose you'll be off?

The open sky.

And...what about me?

I travel alone. It's best that way.

What am I supposed to do?

Give me that credit card.

Well, it's just petty cash.

Spending money.

It's all done by computer, I didn't really know the currency so I thought a million might cover it.

A million? Pounds?

Enough for trinkets.

Mr Copper, a million pounds is worth 50 million credits.

-How much?!

-50 million and 56.

I've got money.

Yes, you have!

Oh, my word.

Oh, my Vot. Oh, my goodness me!

Yee-hah!

It's all yours. Planet Earth. Now, that's a retirement plan.

-Just you be careful, though!

-I will, I will, oh, I will!

No interfering. I don't want any trouble. Just...just have a nice life.

But I can have a house!

A proper house! With a garden!

And a door!

Oh, Doctor! I will make you proud!

I can have a kitchen! With chairs! And windows! And plates! And...

Um...where are you going?

I've no idea!

No, me neither.

Oh, and Doctor!

I won't forget her.

Merry Christmas, Mr Copper.

Come with me.

The thrill is in the chase, never in the capture.

There's nowhere to run.

-Show yourself.

-Doctor!

This...is the spark of life.

-I just want a mate.

-You're not mating with me, sunshine.

Being with you, I can't tell what's right and what's wrong any more.

-It's better that way.

-I do not understand, Miss.

-Why do you say "Miss"? Do I look single?

-Oh, yes!

I demand you tell me who you are.

INCOHERENT MOAN

This has certainly been a most entertaining evening.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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