The Return of Doctor Mysterio Doctor Who

SWOOSH!

SWOOSH!

SHOUT FROM OUTSIDE

Hello there!

Ah...

Hello!

Hello?

Hello!

-What are you doing?

-I was setting a trap.

-A trap?

-On your roof.

-What happened?

-I tried it out.

-How?

-Accidentally.

HE SNEEZES

-Bless you.

-Thanks.

-What's your name?

-Grant.

-Hello, Grant. What floor is this?

-60.

Agh!

-Would it all right if I came in?

-I will have to ask my mom.

-Ow!

-Mom, wake up.

GRANT COUGHS

HE GASPS

Oh!

Mom says you can come in.

You're expected.

Expected?

Ahhh!

HE GRUNTS

Sorry. Did you say I was expected?

Yeah.

Who did you say I was?

I told her I saw an old guy at the window.

HE SNEEZES

Ho-ho-ho!

Merry Christmas, Grant!

Mom and Dad are asleep now.

I can get you back on the roof.

-I know the way.

-Shh!

-What are you doing?

-Take a look at that picture.

-OK.

-Now this one.

Take a good, long look. It takes a moment to see it.

-See what?

-Superman and Clark Kent are one and the same person.

-Are you serious?

-Yeah.

Look, I drew specs on Superman.

Everyone knows they're the same person.

Well, Lois Lane doesn't.

And she's a reporter.

Why did they call him Spider-Man? Don't they like him?

He was bitten by a radioactive spider,

and guess what happened?

Radiation poisoning, I should think.

No, he got special powers.

What, vomiting, hair loss and death?

Fat lot of use.

Hey!

-What do you think?

-That looks...

-I know.

-Cheap.

-Oh, shut up!

HE SNEEZES

-Got a cold there, Grant?

-I always get a cold at Christmas.

Me too. Or an invasion.

-Where did you get that from?

-My pocket.

-How do you keep a glass of water in your pocket?

-Skills.

Now, hush. I've got a lot of work to do. Take this.

-Who are you?

-The Doctor.

-Yes, but who are you?

-The Doctor.

Which one, though? There's lots of doctors.

THE one. The main one, the original. I started it.

They're all based on me.

Now everyone who wants to sound clever calls themselves Doctor.

Bandwagon!

In a comic book, you know what you'd be called?

Doctor Mysterio!

I like that.

Doctor Mysterio!

I'll have that!

Nearly ready.

What is it?

Well, in terms that you would understand...

Sorry, there aren't any.

It's a...it's a...it's a...it's a time-distortion equaliser thingy.

A what?

There's been a lot of localised disruption here in New York, so...

My fault, actually.

Hopefully this will make it all calm down.

I don't understand.

Do you know what a lightning conductor is?

-Yeah.

-Well, it's not like that.

-I thought you were setting a trap.

-I was. To protect this.

I don't want anyone turning it off, or stealing it for a Christmas tree.

-But it looks like a Christmas tree.

-Of course it does, it's science!

-Do you want to turn the lights on?

-Can I?

Go on. It's Christmas Day.

What do I do?

Ah!

Put this into this.

And you flick all those little switches on.

Nothing's happening.

Yeah, because now we get to the cool bit. Come here.

Do you see that little door there? Pop it open.

Now we turn on the lights.

Pop the gemstone right in there.

What gemstone?

The gemstone that I gave you - pop it right in there.

(That was a gemstone?)

Well, it's more than a gemstone -

it's also like a kind of onboard computer. Come here.

Can you see... Can you see that little yellow star

at the end of that curve?

It comes from near there.

Formed in the heart of a red hole

and stabilised in pure dwarf star crystal!

The gemstone is intuitive - it knows what you want

and draws energy from the nearest star to make it happen.

There's only four of them left in the universe.

The Apocalypse Monks of the Andorax called this one

the Hazandra - the Ghost of Love and Wishes.

OK, then. Pop it in.

I thought it was medicine.

What?

It looked like medicine.

What have you done with it?

Well, you gave me medicine and a glass of water,

and you said you were a doctor.

I thought it was for my cough.

Oh! You swallowed it?

You can't go round swallowing things! What age are you, 36?

Eight.

SONIC SCREWDRIVER BUZZES

Am I going to get sick?

-No, no, no - quite the opposite!

-The opposite?

What's the opposite?

-What happened?

-Nothing.

What's wrong with me?

Well, you've got a cough

and a slight case of levitation.

-Stay calm.

-What happens if I don't stay calm?

-Oh! Don't panic.

-What happens if I panic?

BOTH SCREAM

SCREAMING FADES

BABY CRIES

Oh, hey, you're all right!

You're OK!

Yeah...

Ssh-ssh-ssh-ssh!

Hey, Mrs Lombard.

No, don't worry, Jennifer's fine.

She just woke up, but I'm going to put her back to sleep.

No, it's OK, Mrs Lombard.

It's what you pay me for.

OK. Goodnight.

Grant, you need to concentrate.

What's happened to me?

Intuitive crystal, plus too many comic books.

The gemstone is giving you what it thinks you want.

You're a superhero...

Any questions after today can be handled by Miss Shuster

or Miss Siegel, who can be contacted

on the e-mail addresses provided in your welcome pack.

That's all we have time for, ladies and gentlemen.

I hope you had a stimulating day,

and maybe saw a little

of what makes Harmony Shoal the foremost

innovator in science and technology the world over.

Like we always say - we're here to open your minds.

Mr Brock, just one more question.

I've been looking into your funding, and you seem to have

a lot of benefactors for a research institute.

The world is changing, Miss Fletcher. Science got sexy.

Yeah, but your benefactors - I can't seem to find any of them.

Very simple reason for that.

I killed them all, buried them in my back yard.

CHUCKLING

How big is your back yard, Mr Brock?

At the last count, Wyoming.

LAUGHTER

Now, if you good people will excuse me, this young lady

will guide you to the exit...

Mr Brock?

Er, Mr Brock?

Mr Brock? Mr Brock.

Apparently we have one more question.

Yes. Where's the little boys' room?

I think you'll find the restrooms to the left, on your way out.

No, not the restrooms, the little boys' room.

If you successfully locate the restrooms,

I think you'll find everything you need in there.

-Thank you all.

-This way, ladies and gentlemen.

I don't want a rest.

If everyone's just having a rest, I might cause an incident.

Dr Sim, is there a problem?

It's the brains. There's something I need to show you.

-It's necessary.

-Later. Meet me here...

at midnight.

Thank you, sir.

Mr Brock. You startled me.

Shall we?

Of course.

All clear!

DOOR WHOOSHES OPEN

LIGHTS SNAP ON

-Well?

-Look at them. You see nothing unusual?

I see brains...

every place except here.

These specimens were donated to this facility by our benefactors,

for a top-secret research project.

A project which is not to be questioned, impeded,

or in fact mentioned by any of the employees

of the Harmony Shoal Institute.

Even I don't have the clearance to know what's going on in here.

-But why?

-It's not your job to ask questions! Stick to science.

Something wrong with your eyes?

Sir, the first time I came in here, I counted 24 specimens.

The second time I counted, there were 30. Now there are 36.

Well, I guess they've got the space.

You don't understand. There have been no deliveries. I checked it.

Some of these brains, sir, they just...

..arrived.

CHOMPING

It's OK. I'm an intruder too.

Yeah, I brought snacks - mark of a pro.

Keep listening.

Looks like a brain to me.

Kind of blue, I guess, but that's the fluid, right?

Yes. That's the fluid.

Tap the glass, sir.

-What did you say?

-Tap the glass. Please.

What...the hell is that?

-Is that a joke?

-No, sir, it's not a joke.

It's got eyes! Look at them, they're like...

They're like YOUR eyes.

Yes, sir, they are.

Dr Sim?

-What are you pointing at?

-I'm pointing at Dr Sim.

Don't look so alarmed - we merely exchanged containers.

You might call this a...hijack.

HE GROANS AND GASPS

What happened to you? I don't understand.

The same thing that is about to happen to you.

I had a change of mind.

No! No, please, no!

Let me out of here!

What's happening? What are you doing?

LID SQUEAKS

FOOTSTEPS RECEDE

Who are you?

Lucy Fletcher, reporter, from the Daily Chronicle.

-Hang on, why am I telling you the truth?

-Spooky, isn't it?

-Looking for a story?

-I think I just found one.

Brains with minds of their own?

-No-one will believe that - this is America.

-Who are YOU?

Special Agent Dan Dangerous from Scotland Yard, Scotland.

The Doctor for short.

See, they've got institutes all over the world.

And always in capital cities.

Nope.

Yes, yes, they are, see?

New York's not a capital city, is it?

You don't need to point out the mistakes.

-That's not what you're for.

-Washington's got its own one.

LIGHTS SNAP ON

I would call Security, but they might leave you alive.

I do not want any awkward questions

about intruders I was forced to shoot for my own protection.

Good plan. Here's another one!

Go on. Tell them you shot us in the back in self-defence.

We'll be laughing all the way to the slab.

THUDDING

-Face me.

-Maybe not.

Face me now.

-THUDDING

-What is that?

-It's not me.

-It sounds like...

THUDDING

-Like someone knocking at a window.

-We're on the 100th floor.

THUDDING CONTINUES

-Oh, my God, he's real.

-Who's real?

-The Ghost.

-Who's the Ghost?

-Masked vigilante.

-But he's...

-What?

-Super.

HE SNAPS HIS FINGERS

-Mind if I come in?

-Impressive.

Those windows, like everything in this building, are built

to withstand a blast equivalent to four nuclear explosions.

Sorry about that. Would you like me to call a glazier?

Hmm.

BULLETS RICOCHET

GUN CLICKS

Please understand, it's against my personal code

to cause lasting harm to any individual.

HE GROANS

However, light to moderate injury is fine.

That's good!

Hello. Was that man annoying you?

You're real. I can't believe it, you're actually real.

I'm afraid I am. I enjoy your column, Miss Fletcher.

You read my column? You read? You're real and you read?

Though I find the political bias in your paper's editorial

-not entirely to my taste.

-I'll pass that on.

-Thank you.

-Who are these gentlemen?

-They're, um... I don't actually know.

-This is my friend, Nardole.

-Hello, the Ghost!

And I'm the Doctor.

The Doctor.

I thought we had lots of doctors.

I'm the main one.

-Can I give you a ride home?

-You have a car?

-No.

SHE GASPS

-I hope you're OK with heights.

-I'm OK so far!

Have a good evening, gentlemen.

SHE SCREAMS

He...seems nice!

Grant...

So I'm a superhero now?

Once the gemstone is gone from inside you,

you'll be back to normal.

-It will pass.

-But how will it get out?

Like I said, it will pass.

Looking forward to that.

-Are you sure?

-Of course I'm not sure.

Nothing's ever sure.

Just promise me one thing -

for as long as you have these powers,

you will never, ever use them.

Sure.

Is this the right building?

They all look the same from up there.

Yeah, yeah, this is me, thanks.

Well, I certainly hope this unpleasant experience hasn't

-put you off a career in journalism.

-Oh, no, no, no. Not at all.

BEEPING

Sorry. Duty calls.

Look at that. The Bat-Signal's an app now?

What is it? Bank robbery? Hijack?

Uh...something like that.

Excuse me!

Go get 'em!

BABY CRIES

With great power comes great responsibility.

HE SIGHS

No man worthy of the title leaves a baby alone.

-How did you find me?

-I tracked the gemstone inside you.

Your powers, they don't belong in this world.

They're an anomaly. You promised me you'd never use them.

-May I take her?

-She's yours?

I'm hers. I'm her nanny.

You're her nanny?

-Yeah, her nanny. You got a problem with that?

-No, no, it's just...

OK, so you are a superhero and a nanny.

You've got to make a buck somehow.

You don't get paid for saving people.

You don't have to tell us. Here you go, nice and warm.

And tasty! Ooh, elephant!

It's fine. It's a long-range baby-monitor.

I can get back to this apartment

quicker than most people can get to their kids' bedrooms.

Grant, Grant, this is insane.

Look, I'm me, the Doctor,

and even I think this is insane.

-Even him!

-I can cope.

-Of course you can't.

When do you sleep? When are you not on call?

How complicated do you need your life to be?

FRONT DOOR SLAMS

Well, not as complicated as it's about to get.

We're in here, Mrs Lombard.

Oh, Jennifer, look at you, up again!

Don't you ever sleep?

-Did you have a good evening, Mrs Lombard?

-Oh, it was work.

Why would it be good?

Well, I don't know, you seem a little buzzed.

-I thought maybe you'd met someone.

-Maybe I did, maybe I didn't.

Grant...

What are you doing here?

We could ask you the same question.

-But it's your apartment, so we probably won't.

-Well...

We...we were worried about you.

We wanted to make sure that you were all right,

so we followed you.

You followed me and got here first?

Well, that's just a measure of our concern.

-Very concerned.

-They said they knew you. I let them in.

We met tonight.

We need to talk, you and me.

Oh! Did something happen?

TOY SQUEAKS

Nothing for you to worry your pretty little head about.

-I'll put her to bed.

-I can do that.

No, it's OK, I want to.

Lombard's her married name.

He ran off when the baby came along.

Lucy.

Of course.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

-Hey.

-What are you doing here?

I'm your relief algebra teacher(!)

Thought I'd check in on you, see how you're coping.

Well, it hasn't passed, if that's what you want to know.

I think that it's a part of your DNA now.

It's bonded with you. I'm sorry.

-Why aren't you looking at me?

-I don't want to.

You're not looking at anyone. Are you shy now?

Is that floor really interesting?

-I'm not shy. I just can't stop it.

-Can't stop what?

The X-ray vision.

Oh!

I'm in hell. Naked hell. I just can't look at people!

It's the gemstone. It's responding to...puberty.

-Hey, Grant!

-Hey, Lucy!

GIRLS GIGGLE

You really like her, don't you?

I have X-ray eyes - I like everyone!

-But Lucy is your favourite.

-Who says?

'A couple of years after high school, I ran into her again.'

-She even remembered me.

-Oh, that was lucky.

And I was with my best friend at the time,

and she couldn't take her eyes off him.

-OK.

-Love at first sight.

-Right.

Then marriage, then a baby...and then he ran off with someone else.

-Leaving, I suppose, the field open for you to move in...

-Yeah.

..and care for the child she'd had by another man.

Yeah.

So she could keep working

and possibly date other friends of yours.

-Pretty much.

-You tiger(!)

-Thank you.

-Who are you thanking?

The universe.

There's somebody worse at this than me.

SIRENS BLARE

Excuse me.

SQUEAK

This is Mr Huffle. Mr Huffle feels pain.

DRAWN-OUT SQUEAK

Meet me in the kitchen.

SQUEAK

NEWS REPORT ON TV

With you in a minute.

So...you're from Scotland Yard.

Yes.

DRAWN-OUT SQUEAK

It's fine if you don't tell me your secrets. I intend to keep mine.

-But don't lie to me.

-Or what?

-I hurt Mr Huffle.

STRAINED SQUEAK

I assume you belong to some kind of, I don't know, agency -

I don't care which one -

and that your current assignment is to investigate Harmony Shoal.

-Correct?

-No, I was just passing through...

SQUEAK-SQUEAK

OK, OK. Yes, fine, OK. Yes, broadly speaking, yes.

What are those brain things?

I don't know. It's nothing that need concern you.

I'm a reporter. That category does not exist. What are they?

You wouldn't believe me if I told you.

No reason not to tell me, then.

STRAINED SQUEAK

Those brains,

they aren't just brains.

They're independent alien life forms.

And...?

STRAINED SQUEAK

They migrate from planet to planet,

extracting and replacing the central nervous systems of compatible hosts.

And...?

Harmony Shoal is a multinational corporation

whose true purpose is to extract and replace the brains

of key authority figures around the world,

and prepare Earth for full colonisation.

SHARP SQUEAK

Ha!

You believe me?

I don't think you're lying - slightly different.

What has Harmony Shoal got to do with the Ghost?

-Nothing.

-Ah, so you know who the Ghost really is, then?

No, I have no...

-SQUEAKING

-Oh, stop it.

We just went to a top-secret science research facility,

apparently run by brains from space,

and a flying man with superpowers turns up.

Anybody would assume the two were connected,

except for someone who already knew they weren't.

So, clearly, you know the Ghost, and trust him.

Nobody trusts anybody without knowing who they are,

so you know who he really is. So now you can tell me. Who is he?

Oh, that's interesting.

-You don't work for an agency, do you?

-Don't I?

You're not used to being spoken to like this,

which means you don't have a boss or an employer.

So why are you investigating Harmony Shoal? What's in it for you?

-I like to keep busy.

-Why? What happened to you?

-Nothing!

Oh, look!

Oh!

'..Because fire prevention is the

'responsibility of every citizen -

'so get a smoke detector!'

BABY CRIES

'Sorry, duty calls.'

Oh, look at him go.

I need to know who he is.

You're all right. She just needs a change.

Oh, it's OK, I'll do it. You're so quick, Grant.

Oh, yes. He's definitely quick.

-Do you have any time off?

-Sure!

'As the storm hit,

'it became clear that two children

'were still trapped on the big wheel.

'The two small...'

Doctor?

So, can you put me in touch with him?

-HE SIGHS

-The real guy behind the mask?

You're smart.

You're so clever I actually noticed.

-I hardly ever listen when other people are talking.

-So what?

-So why can't you find himself yourself?

-I got a lead.

What lead?

You. You know him. Don't even try telling me you don't.

Maybe you know him too.

Hey, where did Grant go?

Right here, Mrs Lombard.

-Oh.

-Would you like your coffee?

-Oh, no, I'm OK, thanks.

-Are you all right?

-Sure, why?

You're kind of wet.

I prefer mild-mannered.

Can you put me in touch with him?

-The Ghost?

-Yeah, the Ghost.

Mrs Lombard,

there are some situations which are just too stupid

to be allowed to continue.

-PHONE RINGS

-Hang on.

-Hello.

-HUSKY VOICE:

-'Is this Lucy Fletcher?'

Yes, who is this?

-'Sorry, I had to fly.'

-SHE GASPS

Am I...

Sorry, am I... Am I speaking to the Ghost?

'Hello, Lucy.'

So, I'm hoping this means I'm getting an interview.

'An interview is entirely possible,'

but I must make one thing clear.

There must be no talk of who I really am.

Hey, you make the headlines, you make the rules.

-Discussion of my true identity...

-BABY GURGLES

..would put the people closest to me at risk.

-That is not acceptable.

-Fair enough, get that.

How about tomorrow night?

For what?

The interview?

-We could get dinner.

-Dinner?

Do you eat dinner?

-Of course I eat dinner.

-OK, then.

Pick me up here tomorrow night, um, eight o'clock?

I'll wait for you on the roof?

BABY GURGLES

Wait a second.

CLATTERING

-Grant, could you babysit for me tomorrow night?

-Um...

Please, it's important.

-TOGETHER:

-I've got a date.

-TOGETHER:

-A date?

-Uh, kind of a date.

-OK.

-An interview.

-Are you...seeing someone?

-Um...

None of my business. I mean...

But are you?

I mean, you never even go out, and suddenly you've got a date?

Yeah, well, it kind of came as a surprise to me too.

-I'm sorry?

-It's complicated.

I can confirm that it's definitely complicated.

You know, don't worry about it, I'll look after Jennifer.

-You will?

-You will?

-I'll figure it out.

-Let me take care of it.

-OK.

-OK.

-(She's jealous.)

-(I'm jealous!)

-Grant, you were jealous of you.

-Technically, she's jealous of her.

-Grant, how long have you known this woman?

-Since elementary school.

24 years.

24 years?

Yeah, of course it would be that.

Are you OK?

Time passes for everyone.

Even for me. So, please,

as much as it is possible for a human male,

try not to be an idiot.

No, seriously, are you OK?

I'm always OK.

SIRENS WAIL IN THE DISTANCE

HE SIGHS

WHOOSHING

COMPUTER KEYBOARD TAPS

Ah, welcome, brother.

BROCK SIGHS

How is your vehicle?

-CRACKING

-A little cramped.

It will relax with wear.

Observe this.

The finest vehicle this planet has to offer.

-Interesting. And can it be acquired?

-A plan is being formulated.

This one.

Who is he?

I'm not sure.

But he may be dangerous.

He doesn't look dangerous.

Boo!

I'm talking to you live!

NEW YORK ACCENT: In person!

You can jump back in your skins now,

except, of course, they're not your skins, are they?

-What do you want?

-Mercy.

-We have none.

-It's not a request, it's an offer.

I'll give you a head start.

I'll close my eyes and I'll count to ten.

I will make no attempt to follow you but, starting now,

all of you, everywhere,

-pack your bags and get off of this planet.

-Are you declaring war on us?

I am drawing a line,

and I'm suggesting you step back from it with awesome speed.

Then war it is.

CRACKING

Multi-nucleate organism,

functioning as an infinitely adaptable,

independently functioning, peripatetic central nervous system.

Good to keep an open mind. Ha!

-Of course it won't work.

-What won't work?

Whatever it is, whatever you've got planned.

Stating the obvious,

you've set up in every capital city in the world, so clearly the "plan"

is to unzip the head of every world leader, pop yourselves inside.

Of course, you can't just roll up

with a team of surgeons to the White House or to the Kremlin,

because they've got big fences, shouty people and cross dogs.

-They will come to us and they will come running.

-Oh.

I very much doubt it. Take this!

Yes, take that!

-Who are you?

-There have been many attempts to conquer the Earth.

I've lost count.

Not one of them has succeeded, not a single one.

They all lost and burned

and ran.

That's who I am.

PIERCING WHISTLE

What is this?

It's a burger. I always bring a snack.

But I don't want it now, he's put me off my dinner.

METALLIC THRUMMING

Very good. Right on target.

Trial and error, to be honest.

A few accidental stop-offs along the way.

-Where did you get the robes?

-12th-century Constantinople.

I ruled firmly, but wisely.

Ah-ah-ah!

-How did it go?

-Oh, you know.

Issued a warning, donated a burger,

-nicked some stationery. The Ghost - what have you got?

-The whole story!

Fact me, baby, it's why I reassembled you.

-No, sir, that's not the reason, is it?

-Oh, just get on with it!

You cut me out of Hydroflax, because you were worried you'd be lonely,

and we both know why, don't we?

But, oh, look at you, avoiding the subject!

I'm not avoiding anything, I'm just trying to save a planet.

Which is what you always do when the conversation turns serious.

COMPUTER WARBLES

Good girl.

Mrs Lombard?

-You look...nice.

-You look surprised.

-No, no, no, it's just that, well,

normally you wear the little red dress when you're, uh...

This is business, Grant.

Strictly business.

So...

-I won't be late.

-OK.

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

DOOR OPENS

Hi.

-HUSKY VOICE:

-Hi.

Is something wrong?

-You look nice.

-You look surprised.

-I am.

A little.

He's not supposed to be using those powers. He made a promise.

What, like the Time Lord promise never to interfere in the affairs

of other peoples or planets?

I glued your head back on.

You should have a little bit more respect.

-ELECTRONIC WARBLE

-Oh!

Come on.

-Where are we?

-Where we were,

-except not.

-Oh.

Right...

EXCITED CHATTER

-Oh, Tokyo branch.

-Yep.

-A bit empty, isn't it?

-Yes, I created a distraction.

I flooded downstairs with Pokemon.

You're not supposed to be in here.

I know, it's terrible. Sorry, I'm doing everything I can to stop me.

-See that?

-It's a signal, isn't it?

-It's a signal beaming into space.

There was one from the New York office too.

There's something in low orbit.

-I did book a restaurant.

-I'm...

..not comfortable in restaurants.

I suppose you get a lot of stares, dressed like that.

Right back at you.

-Are you sure you're warm enough?

-Yeah.

OK, no.

SHE GASPS

-Now?

-Yeah, definitely.

-Yep, low orbit.

-But you can't get a fix on it?

I'm trying, the shielding's too good.

-Can't we track the signals?

-Tracking them now.

-Boom.

-Ha-ha!

So what powers do you have?

Well, basic flying,

-basic super strength...

-Basic X-ray vision?

Yep.

Is that ever tempting?

Adolescence was difficult.

-In what sense?

-It went on a lot longer.

-How much longer?

I'll let you know.

-BROCK:

-We're moving into position.

-It won't be long now.

-The Ghost is located.

Action the surgeons.

WHOOSHING

LOW ROAR

That's what Harmony Shoal is signalling to.

Shall we pop over and have a look?

-Pretty sure no-one's on board.

-How do you know?

-Did you scan for life forms?

-No.

All the lights are off.

Mmm!

Do you have a girlfriend?

Boyfriend?

Well, there has been speculation.

You do fly around New York dressed in rubber

with a big "G" on your chest.

Are we very slightly stereotyping here?

I get it, there's some stuff you'd like to keep private.

Was it the mask that tipped you off?

SHE LAUGHS

How do you cope with your double life?

I'm nothing special - everyone has a day job.

Come on, you spend half your time as a regular person...

-I spend all my time that way.

-..and the other half saving the world.

-How do you cope?

-How do YOU cope with a career and a baby?

How do you know I have a baby?

I...

..did my research.

Um...I have a nanny, that's basically your answer.

Yes, of course.

-He's downstairs right now.

-I see.

-And, yes, I said "he".

-Yes, you did.

-Yes, I did.

-Is that a problem?

I'm sorry, it's just that guys like you sometimes find it funny,

a man being a nanny.

With respect, Miss Fletcher, there aren't too many guys like me.

There aren't too many guys like Grant either!

You OK?

Excuse me a minute.

ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

SIRENS WAIL

OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS

METALLIC THRUMMING

Bridge is this way.

ALARM BUZZES

ALARM BUZZES

Move.

ELECTRONIC BEEPING

I didn't mean to imply

there's something wrong with your friend Grant.

Not everyone can be a superhero.

Not everyone can be a nanny!

Sorry.

He's downstairs right now

and he was supposed to be on a date and he cancelled it

and you know what's really bugging me about that?

Who is he dating?

Why is that bugging me? Why do I care?

What's wrong with me?

There's probably something I...

ought to tell you.

Grant.

The perfect name.

A man I take for granted.

Um, really, if you could just look up about now...

Always there, always kind, never lies.

I even lied to him about this dress

but I don't think he's ever told a single lie to me,

not once,

about anything.

-Not once.

-That's very commendable.

DOOR OPENS

Good evening.

Please, take no aggressive action, or your friend's life is over.

Mr Brock?

-What do you want here?

-The same thing you do, Miss Fletcher.

His body.

BEEPING

SONIC SCREWDRIVER BUZZES

Hmm.

Bit rubbish, innit?

-Don't touch anything.

-No, it's quite safe, it's just a freighter.

-I said, don't touch.

-Wh...

It's here, the reactor core.

It's cycling at critical.

Someone's been rewiring.

This isn't a ship any more.

-It's a giant bomb.

-Ooh!

Just going to move out...

-HE GASPS

-Doctor!

SONIC SCREWDRIVER BUZZES

They're security drones, that's all.

So what do they want a bomb for?

What does anybody want a bomb for?

Surely they want to conquer the Earth, not blow it up.

You couldn't blow up the Earth with this...

But you could wipe out a city.

-Good point, well made!

-What point?

-New York, it's not a capital city,

-you're quite right.

-Oh... I don't understand.

What if you dropped this ship on New York, what would happen?

-The reactor core would split and New York would vaporise.

-Not all of it.

Not all of it, Nardole.

Remember what he said, the scary little German fella?

-BEEPING

-This building can withstand a blast

up to four times the strength of a nuclear explosion.

Oh, this is very good, very meta.

Did you understand?

You're stage-managing an alien attack

when the aliens have already landed.

-But why?

-Because of what happens next.

When everyone thinks that the Earth is being attacked from space,

-what then?

-Mass panic.

-BANGING ON DOOR

-Ooh, speaking of panic!

-Don't worry, it's triple-deadlock-sealed.

It'll hold for at least ten minutes.

The people will panic, yes.

But what about the world leaders?

BANGING CONTINUES

The presidents and kings, the prime ministers and generals?

What will they do?

What do the rich old men always do when the fighting starts?

They'll find the safest place to hide themselves away

and send all their young people to die.

And where's the safest place in every capital city now?

What's the only part of New York still standing?

Harmony Shoal.

New York isn't a capital city.

It's a shop window.

"When the world is in danger, come hide with us."

Harmony Shoal will open its doors

-to the terrified leaders of the world.

-And they will come running.

A few hours later, every politician and commander-in-chief

will have a zip in their head.

An alien sitting inside their skull.

In one day of terror,

the executive authority of Planet Earth will pass to Harmony Shoal.

It's a good plan, I like it.

How come our side never gets plans like that?

The humans have no plan at all.

THE DOCTOR CHUCKLES

That's where you're wrong.

They have the same plan they always have.

-What plan?

-Me.

Hey-hey!

-Don't do that.

-Sorry.

The operation is swift and quite painless.

You realise I'm talking to my colleague in the jar?

You'll find me a lot harder to cut open than your previous victims.

Harmony Shoal have been conquering your world for five years.

-Whatever our faults, we have the virtue of patience.

-Ghost!

Don't worry about me, do what you've got to do.

-Do anything at all and we'll kill her.

-Don't listen to him!

Remove the mask. I like to see their faces.

I'm truly sorry.

THEY GASP

WHOOSHING

On the bright side, at least I get to kill you.

SQUELCHING

No, you can't!

That's the trouble with one hostage.

You kill me, the only reason he'll come back is for revenge.

-You really want to deal with that?

-One hostage?

Isn't there a child downstairs?

HE GASPS

Nobody touches that child.

And who are you?

I'm the nanny.

Stand away from the controls, Doctor.

Any attempt to interfere with them

-will precipitate the attack immediately.

-Yes, I see that!

Very clever. One question, as long as I'm here -

-why haven't you done it already?

-When the time is right,

-there will be no delay.

-Oh, you told me something there!

You told me something useful, you shouldn't have done that.

-What did I tell you?

-You told me that the time is currently wrong.

Oh, it's the smile.

-I don't like the smile!

-The Sword of Damocles hanging over New York!

I can't destroy it, I can't remove it, I can't stop it falling.

-There's only one thing I can do.

-What?

-The unexpected!

The thing about being in a room full of buttons and switches is...

-I love buttons and switches!

-Don't!

-What are you doing?

What are you doing?!

BEEPING AND ROARING

-COMPUTER:

-'Thrusters engaged.'

Next stop - New York!

-Say, "Wheeee!"

-Oh-h-h-h!

Lower shields! Brace for impact!

New York is under attack.

It occurs to me, Miss Fletcher, I now have three hostages.

-Why don't you point the gun at me?

-What difference would it make?

Besides,

this is the one the Ghost will come for, I think.

Ghost!

Can you hear me?

Do you have super hearing?

I'm going to kill her.

I'm going to kill her right now!

ALARM BLARES

Stop! You're going to destroy New York!

Of course not!

Now the bomb is arming, the shields are down...

-Help!

-..we can use the TARDIS...

HE WHIMPERS

..to hijack the controls and divert it into space!

No bomb,

no plan,

no problem!

No, wait!

Those things are out there!

The ship is crashing! They're not going to be worrying about us!

Ooh!

Oh!

NARDOLE YELPS

-OK, plan B...

-Doctor!

-Help me!

-Oh, you'll be fine!

The ship will have blown up

long before you've been strangled to death!

-And what's plan B?!

-I have no idea,

but it's going to be a very big relief when I think of it.

You are completely out of your mind!

How is that news to anyone?

I know you miss her, but couldn't you just write a poem?

Excellent! The controls are locked,

but they've still got a little bit of give.

It means I can take aim.

-At what?!

-New York. There's exactly one chance, and one is all you need.

No! No-o-o...

RUMBLING

No. No, it's too soon.

DISTORTED: Grant! Grant! This is the Doctor!

You are the only living thing on Earth that can hear this frequency.

Look up! We're coming right at you.

If that thing hits the ground, then New York is finished!

Over to you.

-HUSKY VOICE:

-Mrs Lombard, please get down.

SHE GASPS

-Nardole!

-Yeah?

Brace for impact!

NARDOLE WHIMPERS AND WAILS

TYRES SCREECH

SHOUTING, HORNS BLARE

HE GRUNTS

Nardole.

-Nardole!

-OK, one more, but text me a rickshaw...

Nardole, it worked!

The reactor core didn't split!

-Why not?

-Shock absorber.

Mrs Lombard, I realise in many ways it would have been better

to have mentioned something about this earlier in the evening,

but, please, don't slap me.

I think I'm holding a giant bomb.

METALLIC THRUMMING

There, on you go, take a look at him.

That's why YOU don't stand a chance. You want to know why?

He's actually left-handed.

Sorry, instinct, I couldn't let go of this.

Oh, oh, ho! Ho!

If you two are about to get excited,

maybe you could get rid of that spaceship first.

You know what?

I think I prefer you in your superhero costume.

It's a bit difficult for me to change right now.

I'll do it for you.

Grant!

Grant! Remember, when you're...

finished,

throw that thing into the sun.

Jennifer's still downstairs!

BABY CRIES THROUGH MONITOR

So, Doctor...

-..you think this is over?

-Yeah.

HE GRUNTS

Your bomb's gone, your plan's finished.

And look, there's UNIT, on the way to close your head office.

It's almost like they've been tipped off.

The vengeance of Harmony Shoal is known and feared

-throughout the five star systems!

-Ooh! Is it(?)

Is it really? Well, I'd like to stick around and listen,

but it's been a very long night.

BABY CRIES THROUGH MONITOR Also, someone needs changing.

You're not the only one that's full of it.

Let's go, let's go, let's go!

SHOUTING

-Down here now!

-Get off of me!

-And he was like this when you found him?

-Yes, sir.

Wait here.

I'm putting a call into Osgood.

-So, no more Ghost, then?

-Nah, laid to rest.

-Are you sure?

-Yeah, of course I'm sure.

I mean, life's not a comic book, right, Doctor?

Possibly I'm not the right person to ask.

What if something happens?

What if the whole world is in danger?

Well, you know, maybe I'll keep the outfit, then.

-You know, just in case.

-Hmm.

The world will be fine. I've been away for a while, but I'm back.

I'll take care of anything that comes up.

-You were away?

-Huh! 24 years.

What a night.

Where did you go?

Wrong question.

What was her name?

I'm sure that I must be busy, I better go.

-You OK?

-Yes, yes, yes, I'm OK.

FADING SQUEAK

Things end.

That's all.

Everything ends.

And it's always sad.

But everything begins again too,

and that's always happy.

Be happy.

I'll look after everything else.

-Nardole.

-Hey, Doctor?

SQUEAK

Keep it real.

Her name was River Song.

They were together for a while and they were very happy.

And then she died,

a long time ago,

-in a library.

-Are you sure he's going to be all right?

Hm! He's the Doctor.

He's very brave and he's very silly

and I think, for a time, he's going to be very sad.

But I promise, in the end,

he'll be all right.

I'll make sure of it.

Bye!

You never explained.

Who exactly is he?

Doctor who?

Doctor...

..Mysterio.

METALLIC THRUMMING

'I'm Bill. I serve chips.

'He's a professor. Or a lecturer.

'Or as I call him...'

Doctor what?

'And now we go everywhere.'

-It's like a...

-Spaceship.

-..kitchen!

'Any space...'

Where are we? Which way's Earth? What's a Dalek?

Can I use the toilet?

'..any time...'

Get in! Whoa!

'..and now I see everything...differently.'

SHE SHRIEKS

Exterminate!

-Where are we?

-Basically in the middle of a war.

Oh!

And it's not as bad as it sounds!

I'm the Doctor.

I will save all your lives and when I do,

you will spend the rest of them wondering who I was.

Are you out of your mind?

Yes, completely, but that's not a recent thing.