The Pilot Doctor Who

CLOCK TICKS RHYTHMICALLY

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

METALLIC SQUEAKING

ROBOTIC WHIRRING

CLOCK CHIMES

ELECTRIC GUITAR PLAYS BEETHOVEN'S FIFTH SYMPHONY

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

GUITAR FEEDBACK

-Potts?

-Yeah.

Bill Potts.

You wanted to see me.

Er, you're not a student at this university.

-No, I work in the canteen.

-Yeah, but you come to my lectures.

No, I don't. I never do that.

I've seen you.

Love your lectures. They're totally awesome.

Why d'you come to my lectures when you're not a student?

OK, so my first day here, in the canteen,

I was on chips. There was this girl. Student. Beautiful.

Like a model, only with talking and thinking.

She looked at you and you perved. Every time, automatic. Like physics.

Eye contact, perversion. So I gave her extra chips.

Every time, extra chips. Like a reward for all the perversion.

Every day, got myself on chips, rewarded her.

Then, finally - finally - she looked at me.

Like she'd noticed, actually noticed, all the extra chips.

Do you know what I realised?

She was fat.

I'd fatted her.

But that's life, isn't it? Beauty or chips. I like chips.

So did she. So that's OK.

And how does that in any way explain

why you keep coming to my lectures?

Yeah, it doesn't really, does it? I was hoping something would develop.

What's that?

A police telephone box?

-Yeah.

-Did you build it from a kit?

-No, it came like that.

-Then how did you get it in here?

The door's too small and so are the windows.

I had the window and a part of the wall taken out and it was lifted in.

-What, with a crane?

-Yeah, with a crane.

It's heavier than it looks.

-Why do you keep coming to my lectures?

-Because I like them.

Everybody likes them, they're amazing.

-Why me?

-Why you what?

-Plenty of people come to your lectures

that aren't supposed to.

-Why pick on me?

-Well, I noticed you.

-Yeah, but why?

Well, most people when don't understand something, they frown.

You...

..smile.

I'll tell you what I don't understand.

You've been lecturing here for a long time. 50 years,

some people say.

Nabeela in the office says over 70.

And you're thinking, "Well, he doesn't look old enough"?

No. I'm wondering what you're supposed to be lecturing on.

It's like the university let you do whatever you like.

One time, you were going to give a lecture on quantum physics.

-You talked about poetry.

-Poetry, physics, same thing.

How is it the same?

Because of the rhymes. What are you doing at this university?

-I always wanted to come here.

-Yeah, to serve chips?

So anyway, am I nearly done?

Do you want to be?

See ya.

You ever get less than a first, then it's over.

-You what?

-A first.

-Every time, or I stop immediately.

-Stop what?

Being your personal tutor.

But I'm not a student.

I'm not part of the university.

I never even applied.

We'll sort all that out later.

You kind of have to sort that out earlier.

Leave it with me. I'm assuming that it's a yes.

-Yes.

-I'll see you at 6pm every weekday.

I don't care who's dying - never, ever be late.

I'm very particular about time.

Oh, um...

People just call you the Doctor?

What do I call you?

The Doctor.

But Doctor's not a name. I can't just call you Doctor.

Doctor what?

RHTHYMIC BEEPING

Time! Time doesn't pass.

The passage of time is an illusion, and life is the magician.

Because life only lets you see one day at a time.

You remember being alive yesterday,

you hope you're going to be alive tomorrow.

So it feels like you're travelling from one to the other.

But nobody's moving anywhere.

-Movies don't really move.

-BELL CHIMES

They're just pictures, lots and lots of pictures.

All of them still, none of them moving. Just frozen moments.

BELL CONTINUES TO CHIME

But if you experience those pictures one after the other,

then everything comes alive.

-Am I on time?

-That's a very big question.

You know you're my foster mum?

He's like my foster tutor.

Am I going to have to break every bone in his body?

It's not like that.

You need to keep your eye on men.

Men aren't where I keep my eye, actually.

Imagine if time all happened at once...

..every moment of your life laid out around you...

..like a city. Streets full of buildings made of days.

The day you were born, the day you die.

The day you fall in love, the day that love ends.

A whole city built from triumph and heartbreak and boredom

and laughter and cutting your toenails.

It's the best place you will ever be.

MUSIC AND LAUGHTER

Time is a structure relative to ourselves.

I'll get them in.

Time is the space made by our lives where we stand together, forever.

Time And Relative Dimension...

..In Space.

It means life.

RHYTHMIC BEEPING

-Just chips, yeah?

-Please.

Ooh!

HANDLE CLANKS

METALLIC SCRAPING

So you're tutoring her, then?

-Yes, I am.

-Why?

Why not?

You're not supposed to get involved.

What are you teaching her anyway?

Everything.

Well, how can you teach anyone everything?

Because everything rhymes.

Links apple and alpha, synchronous and diverging...

BEEPING

Yeah, you want to turn that.

BEEPING CONTINUES

You want to rotate it.

CLATTERING

The door upstairs, how did you set the security?

Friends only.

BEEPING

So turn it, and then it'll...

-I'm turning it.

-All right.

-You OK?

-Yeah, I'm fine.

Sorry, can I ask - what's that in your eye?

It's just a defect in the iris.

-Looks like a star.

-Well, it's a defect.

-At least it's a defect that looks like a star.

-I'm getting it fixed.

OK.

Sorry. None of my business, but are you freaking out about something?

Please. You can say no. Would you come with me?

Can I show you something?

God, yes.

-I love this place, don't you?

-Hate it.

-Why?

-I don't know. I just do.

Everywhere I go I just want to leave.

Can I come too?

Maybe.

There's a puddle over there.

But it hasn't rained for a week.

Yeah, but, well, you know, half the students here are blokes...

Go and look in it.

-You want me to look in a puddle?

-Please.

OK, I'm looking.

-What am I looking at?

-Your reflection.

-Yep. There it is.

-Do you see what's wrong with it?

My name's Bill, by the way.

Heather.

Can you see what's wrong?

Nothing. It just looks like me.

Oh!

What is that?

That's me, that's my face, but...

It's wrong.

-Hey!

-Sorry. Some other time.

Promise?

-ALIEN VOICE:

-Pilot is located.

Link is established.

CHOIR SINGS JINGLE BELLS

BELL CHIMES

It's a rug.

Haven't got you anything.

It's OK, it was cheap.

# Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh... #

Going anywhere for Christmas?

I never go anywhere.

That's not true.

You go places, I can tell.

My mum always said,

"With some people you can smell the wind in their clothes."

Oh.

She sounds...nice.

She died when I was a baby.

-Oh.

-Yeah.

If she died when you were a baby, when did she say that?

In my head.

I'm supposed to look like her, but I don't really know.

There's hardly any photographs.

She hated having her picture taken.

But if someone's gone, do pictures really help?

I thought you'd enjoy choosing something for yourself,

as you're always passing judgments.

I hope you didn't spend too much on this.

Nah. This should cover it.

What's that?

Ooh, I found that at the back of the cupboard

with all your old stuff. Just photographs of your mum.

I didn't know we had 'em.

SHE SNIFFS

BELL CHIMES

Happy new term!

With you in a moment.

You said you needed a crane to lift your box.

Sorry, what did you say?

Hey!

Still making eyes at a puddle?

Did you ever work out what was wrong with your reflection?

Nah.

Come round. I'll show you.

Promise you won't go?

Promise.

OK.

Yeah, no worries.

-ALIEN VOICE:

-Pilot confirmed. Pilot engaged.

DOOR CREAKS SHUT

What's wrong?

She said it was a defect, but what kind of defect

puts a star in your eye?

But that doesn't even matter because she was right.

There was something wrong when you looked in the puddle.

That was definitely my face. I see my face all the time.

I've never liked it, it's all over the place.

It's always doing expressions when I'm trying to be enigmatic.

I know my face,

and there was something wrong with my face in the puddle.

What could be wrong with your own face?

Doctor!

Doctor!

-Why do you run like that?

-Like what?

Like a penguin with its arse on fire.

Ergonomics.

That's my face, yeah?

You seem a bit flexible on the subject.

Oh, you've no idea.

-Maybe it's got to do with that thing in her eye.

-How?

-Maybe she's like...affected by something.

-Like what?

I don't know. Look, I know you know lots of stuff about,

well, basically everything, but do you know any sci-fi?

Go on.

Well, what if she's...possessed.

Something like that.

Possessed by what?

I don't know.

I saw this thing on Netflix. Lizards in people's brains.

Right. So, you meet a girl with a discoloured iris

and your first thought is she might have a lizard in her brain?

I can see I'm going to have to up my game.

-Oh...

-What?

-Oh!

-What is it, what?

-Oh, I get it. I see it.

It was easy for your friend because of her eye.

Because it gives her special powers?

No! Because her face isn't symmetrical. Look!

Look into the puddle.

Your face looks wrong, because it looks right.

What's the one thing you never see when you look in a reflection?

Your face. You never see your face the right way round.

Right. Look for a freckle or a funny tooth.

-Something that's not symmetrical.

-My badge!

See, your friend saw it straightaway because of her eye.

But...it's moving like a reflection.

It's not reflecting you.

It's mimicking you.

There's something in the water pretending to be you.

Of course, it isn't water.

Now what are these? Let's have a look.

What are they?

Scorch marks.

Interesting.

Right, you.

-Let's get you on the bus!

-The what, the bus?

Tutorial's over, take the night off.

It's all cancelled. Go and be a proper student -

texts, snogging, a vegan wrap.

But what about the puddle?

Oh, it's just some freak optical effect. I'm bored already.

-ALIEN VOICE:

-Passenger selected. Pursuit engaged.

WATER RUNS

Hey!

-SHE KNOCKS

-I'll make you a cuppa for the bath.

PHONE RINGS

Hey.

Sorry I'm not there, love,

but I think we both know it's time I treated myself.

Are you with Neville?

Why would I be back with Neville after last time?

Why do you think I'm such an idiot?

Well, you're calling from his phone.

Is there someone staying here in the flat?

Of course not, no. What are you talking about?

Er...nothing, never mind. I'll see you tomorrow.

GENTLE SPLASHING

Hello?

Is someone in there?

WATER SPLASHES

Is that Barry?

Because she's with Neville, and it's not my fault.

WET FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

Sorry, I need to know who's in there.

I'm coming in.

Do you hear me?

Make yourself...decent.

If that's Barry, let's not make this worse. Just say it's you.

BILL SCREAMS

Hey!

BILL PANTS HEAVILY

LIQUID TRICKLES

Hello.

Hello.

You scared me.

You scared me.

You're dead.

You're dead.

DOOR OPENS

-LIQUID GUSHES

-Hello, Bill.

Oh!

What's that?

I'll tell you what it isn't.

It isn't a freak optical effect...

..and it's following me.

BILL WHIMPERS

No, no, what are you doing?

I'll tell you what, let's just pop into my box.

Your box? What good is getting in your box going to do?

What an extraordinarily long and involved answer this is going to be.

How do we stop it getting in? We're trapped in here!

Nothing gets through these doors.

They're made of wood.

They've got windows!

Look, this is all mad, I know.

But that's the girl I told you about - Heather...

..only I don't think it's really her.

I know this is hard to believe.

I know you're not exactly a sci-fi person...

Time And Relative Dimension In Space.

TARDIS for short.

You're safe in here.

You're safe in here and you always will be.

Any questions?

Is this a knock-through?

Well, in a way, yes.

Look at this place.

-It's like a...

-..spaceship.

-..kitchen.

-A what?

-A really posh kitchen, all metal.

What happened with the doors, though? Did you run out of money?

What you are standing in is a technological marvel.

It is science beyond magic.

This is the gateway to everything that ever was...or ever can be.

Can I use the toilet?

-Pardon?

-I've had a fright.

I need the toilet.

It's down there, first right, second left, past the macaroon dispenser.

Thanks.

Oh, human! Human alert. Do you want me to repel her?

She's just passing through. She wants to use the toilet.

Oh. I'd give it a minute if I were you.

-THUD!

-Oh, what was that?

We have an incursion on campus. Extra-terrestrial.

We're under attack.

Let's move.

Oh, my God! This isn't just a room, is it?

No, it's not just a room.

This is a lift!

Well, come on, then.

No interference here, as far as I can see. The vault's secure.

So your box can move?

It can go anywhere it likes?

Mm. Good, isn't it?

Anywhere at all, in the whole university?

Is it my imagination, or is this taking longer than normal?

Hang on.

The room's still inside the box.

-This isn't a knock-through.

-Nope.

Doctor! It's bigger on the inside than it is on the outside!

Wey-hey! We got there!

How is that possible? How do you do that?

Well, first, you have to imagine a very big box

fitting inside a very small box.

-OK.

-Then you have to make one.

It's the second part people normally get stuck on.

Can we shut up, please? Busy, busy.

I need to know if there's any interest in what's inside

-this vault.

-Why, what's inside it?

Something I don't want anyone being too curious about.

So you put it in the middle of a university?

Ooh, valid point. Yeah, nice.

Either the creature came here specifically for what's in here,

-or it's just a coincidence.

-It's just a coincidence.

Well, we can't know that for sure.

Yeah, we can. It was here for ages before it did anything.

If it had work to do, why would it lie around in a puddle?

-I don't know, maybe it's a student.

-Oh, banter.

It's good, this.

Your go again.

LIQUID GUSHES

Nardole...

..we need to move away from the doors and towards the TARDIS.

LIQUID TRICKLES

What if it attacks us?

Well, that's good news.

It means it's not interested in what's inside the vault.

It just wants to kill us.

Oh.

Run!

It's not interested in the vault, it's chasing us.

Let's give it a proper challenge,

let's see how far she's prepared to go.

But what about my friend, what about Heather? Can you save her?

First things first. Let's see if we can survive her.

SEAGULLS CALL

But...

Yes.

-..we've moved again.

-We have.

-It was night.

-Yep.

Now it's...day.

-Definitely day.

-Oh, my God! Have we travelled in time?

No, of course not. We've travelled to Australia.

-How are you doing?

-How do you think?

Right, um...

How do I help?

-Can I ask you a personal question?

-No.

-Can I anyway?

-Yes.

Are you from space?

No, of course not.

Nobody's from space.

I'm from a planet like everybody else.

This planet?

-No, not specifically this one.

-Doesn't make sense, then.

What doesn't?

TARDIS. If you're from another planet, why would you name your box

in English? Those initials wouldn't work in any other language!

-People don't generally bring that up.

-It looks like a phone box.

Yes, well, that's the cloaking device. It sort of hides itself.

It's hidden itself as a box with "pull to enter" on the front?

Uh-huh. It's stuck. It's supposed to blend in, but it's broken.

GURGLING FROM SINK

Doctor...

Out, out, everybody out, shark attack!

HEATHER SCREAMS

Where are we going?

As far as we can. She made Australia in a minute -

let's see what she can really do.

Sir, we're leaving Earth. What about the vault?

Oh, we're fine.

If there's any trouble, I'll get a message on this.

Let's see how long it takes her to get here.

Where are we?

Other end of the universe.

23 million years in the future.

Oh, yes, it's a time machine too.

So this is...somewhere else?

This is a different planet?

Not Earth, a different one?

That's the general idea.

That's different sky? Is it made of something different?

-What is sky made of?

-Lemon drops.

-Really?

No, but wouldn't that be nice?

You can be very silly sometimes, do you know that?

So how do we know this... water thing is actually dangerous?

Ah, because most things are.

-Mm, that's true.

-Why? Is everything out here evil?

Hardly anything is evil, but most things are hungry.

Hunger looks very like evil from the wrong end of the cutlery.

Or do you think that your bacon sandwich loves you back?

So what is it and what was it doing on Earth?

Well, there were scorch marks on the concrete where we found it.

Could have been left by a shuttle craft.

The puddle, what did it look like?

If that was a car, what would you say that was?

An oil leak?

So it's space engine oil?

Intelligent oil. Super intelligent space oil.

No, part of the ship itself. Shape-shifting fluid that becomes

anything it needs to be.

Seriously?

But it spent ages laying around, being a puddle, what changed?

Your friend.

She looked into it, didn't she? More than once.

So?

Maybe it saw something it needed. What was she like, your friend?

What did she want? What did she need?

Everywhere I go, I just want to leave.

I think she wanted to leave.

You see?

The puddle found a passenger.

A left-behind droplet of a liquid spaceship.

A single tear drop, alone in a strange world.

Then, one day, it finds someone who wants to fly away.

Not just a passenger,

more than a passenger - it found a pilot, so it ate her.

-So why is it chasing this one?

-Everything wants, everything needs.

But why does it want her?

I don't know. I don't know everything, Nardole.

-I don't have it all written down.

-You act like you do.

-I act like I do, because I don't.

-It must be looking for something.

-Of course it is, everything is.

-But what?

What, in the end are any of us looking for?

We're looking for someone who's looking for us.

Hey, still making eyes at a puddle?

-HEATHER SCREAMS

-Bill!

Bill!

Quick!

Back to the TARDIS!

OK, it's fast. It time travels, it never gives up.

Plan! Basic sterilisation.

We're going to run that thing through the deadliest fire

-in the universe.

-Yes, that sounds excellent.

The deadliest fire in the universe. That's definitely good.

How do we do that?

-The only way we can. We run through it first.

-Less good now.

No, not there. I don't like it there!

-Nardole!

-I don't like there.

I want you running interference. Can you do that?

-Can I say no, sir?

-No.

-Yes, then.

-Thank you.

-But no really.

-Where are we?

Well, we're basically in the middle of a war.

No... Well, it's a war zone, and this is just your basic skirmish,

and it's not as bad as it sounds, I promise you.

-Come on, I've got friends here, old friends.

-Oh...

I say friends...

-DALEK:

-The Doctor is detected.

Seek. Locate.

-NARDOLE GROANS

-Destroy.

-Are we still in the future?

-No. This is the past.

Doesn't...look like the past.

-Are we safe here?

-Well, that's up to Nardole, so probably not.

Oh! Oh, I don't....

Oh! Oh, I don't...

-Keep moving, Doctor!

-Where are we going?

Into the fire, come on.

DISTANT SCREAMING

Who are those guys?

Never mind them, it's who they're firing at.

Come on.

-What's that?

-The deadliest fire in the universe.

Identify intruder. Identify.

Scan this device and identify me!

You are the Doctor. You are an enemy of the Daleks!

-Oh, yes, I am!

-Exterminate!

Exterminate.

Exterminate!

Exterminate.

-Exterminate!

-NARDOLE SCREAMS

-What was that thing?

-A Dalek.

-A what?

-A Dalek.

-What's a Dalek?

-Never mind, it's a Dalek.

Exterminate!

-WEAKLY:

-Exterminate...

That's wrong. I know my Daleks, and that's wrong.

Oh, I see.

You see what?

I've sealed the area, all the Daleks are quarantined...

except that one.

It's OK. This isn't a Dalek.

Look.

Look at the eye.

Heather.

-Heather.

-Interesting, you had a gun but you didn't use it. Why?

You've already taken one person from the Earth.

I'm going to let that pass, because I have to,

but I will not let you take another.

Go.

Just go, now. Fly away.

Why won't you just go?

Promise you won't go?

Promise.

Oh, my God. I understand.

-You what?

-The last thing she said to me.

She promised she wouldn't leave without me.

Her last conscious thought, driving her across the universe.

Never underestimate a crush.

Oh, you don't have to tell me!

What do we do?

I don't know.

She's not chasing you, she's inviting you.

Release her.

Release her from her promise.

You have to let me go.

You have to let me go.

I will.

I will.

I really liked you.

I really liked you.

Bill...

..don't, don't!

Don't do that!

Listen, please, just listen to him.

Don't, don't! Bill, let go!

Bill, listen to me.

Whatever she's showing you, whatever she's letting you see.

It's a lure, it's a trap.

She's making you part of her, and you can never come back.

I see what you see.

It's beautiful.

Bill, let go! You have to let go!

She is not human any more.

Goodbye, Heather.

Goodbye...Bill.

Bill!

You all right?

Yeah, I think so.

You don't look all right.

She's fine.

That's the Doctor for you. Never notices the tears.

I don't think they're mine.

The vault alarm went off, but it was nothing.

A student was sick outside and it registered as a biological attack.

I saw it all for a moment...

..everything out there.

She was going to let me fly with her. She was inviting me.

-But I was too scared.

-Scared is good.

Scared is rational. She wasn't human any more.

Will we see her again?

I don't see how.

No, no, no. No, no. You have to forget about that.

I don't see how I can.

I do.

Come here, Bill.

What's up?

-I just want to fix something.

-Whoa, what are you doing?

-Don't worry. This won't hurt at all.

-No, but tell me.

-Nothing.

Yeah, cos I think you're going to wipe my memory.

I'm not stupid, you know.

That's the trouble with you.

You don't think anyone's ever seen a movie.

-I know what a mind-wipe looks like!

-I have no choice.

I'm here for a reason, I'm in disguise. I have promises to keep.

No-one can know about me.

This is the most exciting thing

that's ever happened to me in my life. The only exciting thing!

I'm sorry.

OK. Let me remember just for a week. Just a week.

OK, well, just for tonight. Just one night.

Come on, let me have some good dreams for once.

OK.

Do what you've got to do.

But imagine...

..just imagine how it would feel if someone did this to you.

-Get out!

-What?

You can keep your memories. Now get out before I change my mind!

Don't speak, don't start, just run! Now. Go!

Shut up.

You shut up as well.

METALLIC THRUMMING

Will you all please just leave me alone?

I can't do that any more. I promised!

It's a big universe, but maybe one day we'll find her.

What changed your mind?

Time...

Time?

..And Relative Dimension In Space.

It means...

what the hell?!

This is one of Earth's first colonies.

-What are they? Alien birds?

-Tiny robots.

That is a robot. It speaks emoji!

And where are all the people?

Argh!

What, you're going back in?

I'm having this really childish impulse to blow it up.

-You're the one who should be afraid.

-Never.

Get ready.

HE SCREAMS

I'm the Doctor.

I've been standing by the gates of your world, keeping you all safe.

I'm not stopping now. Any questions?