Smile Doctor Who


Smile

The Doctor takes Bill to a spectacular city on a distant planet - but where are the colonists? A band of 'cute' droids holds the deadly answer.


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Transcript


LineFromTo

-So...

-So...

-What do we do?

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Do I have to sit somewhere? Are there seat belts?

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Well, you've done this before. This isn't your first trip.

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Yeah, but it's proper this time.

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Oh, that's a mistake.

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What is?

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You can't reach the controls from the seats.

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What's the point in that?

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Or do you have stretchy arms, like Mr Fantastic?

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Oh, I stand, like this.

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You never thought of bringing the seats a bit closer?

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No, not so far, no.

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Where's the steering wheel?

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Well, you don't steer the TARDIS,

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you negotiate with it.

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The still point between where you want to go...

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..and where you need to be, that's where she takes you.

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How much did it cost?

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Ah.

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No idea.

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Stole it.

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-Seriously?

-Yep.

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Why?

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Well, actually, because I felt like it.

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-What if I steal it from you?

-On you go, then.

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I don't know how it works.

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Well, neither did I.

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BANGING ON DOOR

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Who's that?

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BANGING ON DOOR

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(Mum.)

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BANGING ON DOOR

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Excuse me, just what is the TARDIS doing down here?

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I'm over 2,000 years old, I don't always want to take the stairs.

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Your oath, sir. You're not supposed to go off-world

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unless it's an emergency.

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-I'm not off-world.

-Are you going off-world?

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I'm going back to my office.

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Could you put the kettle on, please?

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Hm.

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Why's she here?

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Because she isn't anywhere else.

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Kettle.

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Well, I'm not making any for her - she can make her own.

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I'm not a slave for any human, I can assure you.

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So...

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..back up to your office for a cuppa, then?

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Between here and my office, before the kettle boils,

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is everything that ever happened or ever will.

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-Make your choice.

-What choice?

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Past or future.

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Future.

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-Why?

-Why do you think? I want to see if it's happy.

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'Kezzia, where are you?'

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Hey, Goodthing. I'm coming back in.

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'Kezzia, don't come in just yet.'

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I've been out since second sunrise. I'm hungry.

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Round them up, big fella.

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MECHANICAL BUZZING

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'Kezzia, please don't come in. We're having a little tiny Vardy problem.'

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Me and my Vardies have just pollinated three miles of wheat.

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-'You've got to keep smiling.'

-Got to what?

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-It's the Vardies.

-God, what's wrong with you?

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Is that smile supposed to look real?

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It's like you're standing in a wind tunnel.

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OK. Big smiles now, brace yourself!

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Mum is dead.

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-Sorry?

-Smile, smile, smile!

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That's not even funny.

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No, it's not a joke. Mum is dead.

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Mum is dead.

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And Hopeful, she's dead too. And her friend Sunshine, she's dead.

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And Eliza. And quite a few other people are dead.

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Why are you saying this?

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You can't say things like that, grinning like an idiot.

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Smile, really. Try. If you don't...

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I shouldn't have told you. Please smile.

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Oh... You're on two tears now.

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Is it hugging me?

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MECHANICAL BUZZING

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Who programmed that?

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Please, give her a moment!

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She'll be happy in a moment!

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Kezzia!

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No. Look, I'm smiling.

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Smiling...

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SHE SCREAMS

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Which way is Earth?

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Ah, space is bent.

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Earth is any way you choose to look.

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Why? You thinking about leaving?

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Thinking? I'm not thinking. My brain's overloading.

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-Why a phone box?

-I told you.

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Yeah, I get that it's a cloaking device.

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But why keep it that shape? Why do you like it?

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Who said I like it?

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You kept it.

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Come along.

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This is one of the Earth's first colonies.

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They say the settlers have cracked the secret of human happiness.

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One question,

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little fella said you made an oath.

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You're not supposed to leave the planet.

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OK, I suppose I owe you an explanation.

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A long time ago, a thing happened. As a result of the thing,

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I made a promise. As a result of the promise,

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I have to stay on Earth.

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Guarding a vault?

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Guarding a vault.

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Well, you're not guarding the vault right now.

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Yes, I am. I have a time machine, I can be back before we left.

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But what if you get lost, or stuck, or something?

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-I've thought about that.

-And?

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Well, it would be a worry, so best not to dwell on it.

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Look at this building. Look at it.

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You know what I like about humanity? Its optimism.

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Do you know what this building is made of? Pure...

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soaring...

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optimism.

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MECHANICAL BUZZING

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What are they? Alien birds?

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Vardies.

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Tiny robots.

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Work in flocks.

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They're versatile, hard-working.

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Good at learning skills.

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The worker bees of the Third Industrial Revolution,

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probably just checking us out for security.

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These are robots? These are disappointing robots.

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That's a very offensive remark.

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Don't make personal remarks like that.

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You can't offend a machine.

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Typical wet brain chauvinism.

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HIGH PITCHED WHINE

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Oh, what just happened?

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LOUD: Your ear's on fire.

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Your voice just came out in my ear.

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I mean, I know voices go into ears but this was like...

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We've been fitted with some kind of communication device that is

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using our own nervous system as hardware.

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We just downloaded an upgrade for our ears.

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I'll never lose my phone again. I'll never run out of battery again!

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Welcome to paradise.

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Hang on, is there a mute button? What if you're in the loo?

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Who needs loos? There's probably an app for that.

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So, where is everyone?

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Don't tell me we've come halfway across the universe and

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they've all gone out.

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We should've texted first or something.

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What's that?

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That is a robot.

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That is not a disappointing robot.

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Technically, this isn't a robot at all.

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The tiny little things, those are the robots,

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this is the interface with them.

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Does it speak? Will we understand it?

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Well, depends upon what aspect of your language have survived over

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so many thousands of years.

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Emoji. It speaks emoji!

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Of course it does!

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Aw. It's cute.

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-What's that?

-Blank badges.

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Yours isn't blank. It's got a face on the back.

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Yours too.

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Interesting.

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It's never on the side that you're looking at.

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What's it doing now? What, what face is it making?

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Sort of...puzzled. Me?

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The same.

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Do you know what I think?

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I think that this is some kind of mood indicator.

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-But you're never allowed to see your own mood.

-Makes sense.

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-Does it?

-Well, seeing your own mood might affect your own mood.

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It's like a feedback loop,

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interfering with the information being collected.

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Like a scale weighing itself.

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Who's collecting the data?

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-Is the big question.

-So what do we do, then?

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Well, if they're badges then...

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-What? Where's...? Where's it gone?

-Oh, it's on your back.

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Yours too.

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So, everyone you walk past can see what you're thinking.

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What if you really fancy someone?

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Well, I suppose it means that you have to maintain

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-eye contact with them.

-Oh, that's brilliant.

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Welcome to the future.

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Emojis, wearable communications,

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we're in the utopia of vacuous teens.

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Look at this - it knew I was starving!

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Food from another planet.

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You've got to, haven't you?

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Smells like fish.

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I'm not that fond of fish,

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except socially, which can complicate a meal like this.

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Should we eat it, though?

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I mean, what if they're not like us?

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The cutlery is human cutlery.

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No other species in the universe uses emojis.

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Everything here is human except...

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No humans.

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This is a perfect colony for humans,

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so where are all the colonists?

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That's some sort of flavoured algae.

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I haven't seen any livestock yet.

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That's good, isn't it?

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In the future we don't eat living things, we eat algae.

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I met an emperor made of algae once.

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He fancied me.

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Why aren't you loving this?

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Everything is here, everything is ready,

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but there's no-one here.

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It's like the Student Union first thing,

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before the actual students arrive.

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Two portions, though.

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Well, that's because that one is mine.

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That's it! That's it! Of course!

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The whole place is waiting.

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We're just too early.

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So, they're all still in bed? Two portions. One portion.

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Is there going to be food sexism even in the future?

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Is this bloke utopia?

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It's probably reading me as two people. The heartbeats.

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If you're going to travel 20 light years, you're going to want

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to make sure you've got somewhere to sleep at the end of it, aren't you?

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-So, what do you do?

-Sorry? Two hearts?

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You send a rocketload of intelligent robots up ahead of you.

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They build you a place to live,

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so that, when you arrive, it's all waiting. This is brilliant!

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You've got two hearts?

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Robots, they don't breathe.

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They can fix the atmosphere for you,

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send data back, so you know whether to bring your waterproofs or not.

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Work in huge robot flocks.

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You just send them up ahead and you leave them to it.

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Hearts, though, why two?

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Well, why one?

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Does that mean you've got really high blood pressure?

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Really high.

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So, if the people aren't here yet, what do we do?

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Put the kettle on?

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Or are we going to leave before they arrive?

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Is that what you're worried about?

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I can see you're worried.

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Well, you never know what's round the next corner.

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Ah, of course, wheat fields outside.

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Now something else to eat when they get here.

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This is their crops.

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Look, they're going to have orchards, olive groves.

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This is their nursery. The little robots are doing pollination work.

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Oh, this plant! There's one of these growing

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outside the student union. It smells amazing.

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Rosemary.

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I'm smelling home 20 light years from home.

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Thanks for bringing me.

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This is a great day out.

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I mean, come on, admit it.

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You love it.

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Did I say I didn't love it? Yes, I do.

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It's very...lovable.

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You asked me where all the people were and I theorised that

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they hadn't got here yet.

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Did I sound convincing?

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-Yeah.

-And did I convince myself?

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-No.

-No, no. And I'll tell you why -

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because there should be somebody here.

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There should be some kind of set-up team, a skeleton crew.

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You're thinking.

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Tell me what you're thinking about.

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A magic haddock.

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Obviously!

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What is this stuff? Is it snow?

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This is fertiliser, mineral fertiliser, calcium-based.

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Now, we don't have answers, so let's put together two questions.

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What is the source of this mineral fertiliser?

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And where are all the people?

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Ugh!

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SHE GASPS

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Here, right here, in this garden.

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Oh, my God.

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Despite appearances, they haven't been dead very long.

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Those are the colonists?

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The colonists aren't here yet.

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This is the set-up team,

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-the skeleton crew.

-Why did the robots feed them to the garden?

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I don't know, maybe they ran out of fertiliser.

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Let's not ask them.

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-Oh, hello! We were just admiring your garden.

-Yes!

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Moving on now because there's nothing of particular interest here.

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Cheerio.

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If he's chasing us, he's moving very slowly.

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Do you know what it means when something chases you very slowly?

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-What?

-It means there's a reason that they don't have to run.

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OK. They're slow, but the city is full of them,

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-so they catch you in the end.

-What do we do?

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Question - we've been here for ages, why are they attacking us now?

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-Does it matter?

-Only if we want to live.

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Smile for me!

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Smile?

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Use your whole face, right now, do it.

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What good's smiling?

0:15:520:15:55

Smiles aren't just smiles.

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Psychologically, they have a measurable effect

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on your mood states.

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Yes.

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These robots, they built this place.

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They grew those trees.

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Something went wrong but they were designed to make you happy.

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How would massacring hundreds of people make me happy?

0:16:090:16:12

"How would massacring hundreds of people make me happy" smiley face.

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-Smiley face.

-The magic haddock.

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What magic haddock? What's that all about?

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The robots want you to be happy but they got the wrong end of the stick.

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I think we should give them what they want.

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Don't even try without smiling.

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What a lovely place you have here.

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Thank you so much for your hospitality.

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We will come again.

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Doctor, I was thinking maybe next time we might go

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to Wiltshire, perhaps, or Aberdeen.

0:16:510:16:55

Ah, yes. Two thumbs up for Wiltshire/Aberdeen.

0:16:550:17:01

-Doctor!

-Smile! Smile!

0:17:120:17:15

-Where did they come from?

-Once we're out of the city, we should be safe.

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Are they coming after us?

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I'm guessing that, once we're out, we're not their problem.

0:17:400:17:44

Right. You'll be perfectly safe in the TARDIS. She'll look after you

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-until I get back.

-Where are you going?

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There's a giant smiley abattoir over there

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and I'm having this really childish impulse to blow it up.

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-Be right back.

-What, you're going back in?! We've only just escaped!

0:18:000:18:03

I thought we were going home?!

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Home?!

0:18:060:18:08

Why would we be going home?

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That place is a living deathtrap,

0:18:110:18:13

we can't just leave it with its mouth wide open.

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But they're all dead. We saw them. It's too late.

0:18:150:18:17

We have to assume that there's a colony ship on the way.

0:18:170:18:21

What do you think's going to happen when all those people arrive?

0:18:210:18:23

They're expecting the new garden of Eden,

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what they are not expecting is to be the fertiliser.

0:18:250:18:28

There's broadband in there. Go!

0:18:280:18:29

Go and watch some movies or something!

0:18:290:18:32

I get that someone has to do something but why's it you?

0:18:320:18:35

Can't you phone the police?

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Isn't there a helpline or something?

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And stay away from my browser history!

0:18:390:18:42

Penguin with its arse on fire.

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Huh!

0:19:170:19:18

Ah!

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Good morning! I'm happy!

0:19:310:19:34

Good morning. Look at me, I'm happy, happy, happy, happy!

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What a lovely, beautiful morning, it makes me so happy. I'm happy.

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I hope that you're happy, too.

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See? Happy?

0:19:470:19:50

Hello? Is someone there? I can hear you breathing.

0:20:130:20:17

Why are you Scottish?

0:20:170:20:18

-I'm not Scottish, I'm just cross.

-Is there Scotland in space?

0:20:200:20:22

They're all over the place, demanding independence from

0:20:220:20:25

every planet they land on. Why are you here?

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Because I figured out why you keep your box as a phone box.

0:20:270:20:30

I told you, it's stuck.

0:20:300:20:31

"Advice and Assistance Obtainable Immediately." You like that.

0:20:310:20:34

No, I don't.

0:20:340:20:35

See, this is the point.

0:20:350:20:37

You don't call the helpline because you ARE the helpline.

0:20:370:20:41

Don't sentimentalise me. I don't just fly around helping people out.

0:20:410:20:45

What are you doing right now?

0:20:450:20:47

I happened to be passing by, so I'm mucking in.

0:20:470:20:49

You've never passed by in your life.

0:20:490:20:51

You couldn't even leave me serving chips,

0:20:510:20:53

so I'm not going to leave you.

0:20:530:20:55

Look at the wall.

0:20:570:20:58

-The wall?

-Closely.

0:20:580:21:00

Before, when the Vardy - the little microbots - were going to

0:21:040:21:08

attack you, you asked me where they came from.

0:21:080:21:10

They didn't come from anywhere, they were here all the time.

0:21:120:21:17

What? In the wall?

0:21:170:21:20

No, not in the wall.

0:21:200:21:22

They're not in the wall, they are the wall - they're all the walls.

0:21:270:21:31

These little robots, they didn't build this place, they became it.

0:21:310:21:35

They can be a part of a wall one minute, flying around the next.

0:21:350:21:38

This whole structure is built from interlocking microbots.

0:21:380:21:42

Smile!

0:21:460:21:48

You're in the belly of the beast.

0:21:480:21:49

So what do we do?

0:21:510:21:52

Well, the obvious -

0:21:520:21:54

we find a real wall.

0:21:540:21:55

You really are smiling, aren't you?

0:21:550:21:57

Do you know why? You're an awesome tutor.

0:21:570:22:02

When the Vikings invaded, they used to pull their longboats out

0:22:040:22:08

of the water, turn them upside down and live in them as houses

0:22:080:22:11

until they'd pillaged and looted enough to build new ones.

0:22:110:22:14

So?

0:22:140:22:16

You didn't see a space ship outside, did you?

0:22:160:22:18

When the settlers first landed,

0:22:180:22:20

they must have lived in it and built out from it,

0:22:200:22:23

so it's still here, somewhere inside this building.

0:22:230:22:28

Bits of meteor damage. Flecks of rust.

0:22:340:22:36

Rivets... Oh, I love rivets.

0:22:360:22:37

A wall, a real, honest wall,

0:22:370:22:40

not made of tiny robots but made of any old iron.

0:22:400:22:42

Every spacecraft needs...a door.

0:22:420:22:45

Not even locked.

0:22:550:22:56

They were expecting to live in peace.

0:23:020:23:04

Wicked.

0:23:100:23:12

We'll lock it after us, shall we?

0:23:120:23:13

Its life support systems are starting up. It knows we're here.

0:23:290:23:32

Whoever did the interior decoration in here needs to take lessons

0:23:320:23:35

from whoever did it out there.

0:23:350:23:37

This was built by humans, that was built by the Vardy.

0:23:370:23:40

Wet brains, dry brains.

0:23:400:23:42

Ah!

0:23:540:23:56

Good, old, universally compatible, incorruptible maps.

0:24:000:24:06

You are here.

0:24:090:24:10

This is the engine room.

0:24:120:24:14

That's the target. That's where I'm going.

0:24:140:24:16

-Where am I going?

-You're staying here

0:24:160:24:19

and you will be guiding me to here, using this map.

0:24:190:24:23

I'll hear you through the thingamabob.

0:24:230:24:27

I'm on a space ship...

0:24:270:24:29

..like, for real. A proper one.

0:24:300:24:33

-'Left or right?'

-Er...

0:24:350:24:37

Right.

0:24:400:24:41

Well, they were certainly planning to make themselves at home here.

0:24:410:24:45

They brought all their favourite knick-knacks.

0:24:460:24:48

'There should be a door'

0:24:480:24:51

that leads onto a corridor.

0:24:510:24:52

-I really am on a space ship.

-'Yes...'

0:24:540:24:57

Which we're about to blow up.

0:24:570:24:59

How are you allowed to do that?

0:24:590:25:02

Like, how are you allowed to blow something up

0:25:020:25:04

and not get into trouble? I mean, blow something up, get into trouble,

0:25:040:25:07

that is a standard sequence.

0:25:070:25:10

'What do you mean, "allowed"?'

0:25:100:25:11

It's a moral imperative.

0:25:110:25:13

This is a murder machine.

0:25:130:25:15

Beautiful, though, I mean, the whole place.

0:25:150:25:18

You should be able to see a staircase...

0:25:190:25:22

All traps are beautiful, that's how they work.

0:25:220:25:25

-Up or down?

-Down.

0:25:250:25:27

What? What's this big bit in the middle?

0:25:290:25:32

There's a big empty space in the middle.

0:25:320:25:34

The engine is right in the middle of a big empty space.

0:25:340:25:38

-What's that for?

-'Attention.

0:25:380:25:40

'Attention. Erehwon system's initiated.'

0:25:400:25:44

Ship's systems are set to respond to human presence. It WAS sleeping.

0:25:440:25:48

We walked in, now it's waking up.

0:25:480:25:50

-Er, there should be a ladder.

-Got it.

0:25:500:25:54

ALARM BLARES

0:26:060:26:08

Beautiful.

0:26:170:26:18

Fleishman Cold Fusion Engine.

0:26:180:26:20

All I've got to do is back the flow into the calorimeter and run.

0:26:200:26:24

It's like it wants to get blown up.

0:26:240:26:26

'Hang on, I'm being thick.'

0:26:290:26:31

I can come with you.

0:26:310:26:33

'Took that long to think of photographing it?'

0:26:330:26:36

-You'd already memorised it, hadn't you?

-'Yep.'

0:26:370:26:40

Stop trying to keep me out of trouble.

0:26:400:26:42

There's no trouble.

0:26:430:26:45

This is going to be a stroll in the park.

0:26:460:26:49

Doctor, why did people come here?

0:28:230:28:26

Did something terrible happen?

0:28:260:28:28

I can't hear you!

0:28:280:28:30

This isn't as easy as it looks.

0:28:350:28:37

I've got to know.

0:28:370:28:38

The people who came here...

0:28:380:28:41

were they the last people?

0:28:410:28:43

Were they our last hope?

0:28:430:28:46

'Earth was evacuated.'

0:28:460:28:47

But there were a number of ships.

0:28:520:28:55

I've bumped into a few of them over the years.

0:28:560:28:58

Right, I've re-routed the flow.

0:28:580:29:03

No, no, no, no. That's not right.

0:29:050:29:06

Bad noise. That's not right, no, no!

0:29:060:29:09

No. When the calorimeter reaches its peak...

0:29:170:29:20

I could do with a hand here!

0:29:200:29:21

'OK, on my way.'

0:29:210:29:23

Oh!

0:29:310:29:33

Are we there yet?

0:29:330:29:34

'Doctor, there's something you need to know.'

0:29:360:29:39

I'm too busy!

0:29:390:29:40

'Almost with you, Doctor.'

0:30:000:30:02

You took your time.

0:30:020:30:04

When I let this go, it's going to spin back.

0:30:040:30:07

I want you to hold it tight while I jam it shut.

0:30:100:30:13

Doctor? Doctor, can you hear me?

0:30:240:30:26

Ah! Don't worry about me.

0:30:270:30:29

I'm having the time of my life!

0:30:290:30:31

Making new friends!

0:30:310:30:33

ALARM BLARES

0:30:470:30:48

Get ready to run! Run really fast!

0:30:480:30:51

What? Where did you come from?

0:30:530:30:56

-Where is everybody?

-When you say "everybody"...?

0:30:560:31:00

-WOMAN'S VOICE OVER PA:

-'My very good people, we will soon be beginning

0:31:020:31:04

'an emergency disembarkation.

0:31:040:31:07

'Good people, please prepare for disembarkation.

0:31:070:31:11

'We wish you a happy new world.'

0:31:120:31:14

Doctor?

0:31:140:31:16

Pods! Pods!

0:31:160:31:19

What is it? What's happening?

0:31:190:31:22

We can't blow up the city!

0:31:220:31:24

-Why? Those pods, what's in them?

-I got it wrong.

0:31:270:31:32

I got it very, very wrong.

0:31:330:31:36

The colony ship isn't on the way, it's right here.

0:31:380:31:42

The colonists are all around us, cryogenically frozen.

0:31:440:31:47

What's in those pods, Bill...

0:31:470:31:49

..is the surviving population of Earth.

0:31:500:31:53

And I nearly killed all of them.

0:31:550:31:57

'Welcome to your new world. Be happy.'

0:31:570:32:01

They're waking up, aren't they?

0:32:020:32:04

We must have triggered the process when we came in.

0:32:040:32:06

So, what happens now?

0:32:080:32:11

Now?

0:32:110:32:13

Now they're all going to leave this ship,

0:32:140:32:16

and find their friends and family mulched in the garden.

0:32:160:32:19

And if they don't smile about that...

0:32:210:32:23

..it's going to be the end of the human race.

0:32:250:32:27

Oh! Oh, those pods, eh? Not much headroom.

0:32:390:32:43

Oh, I thought I'd be first up. Steadfast, MedTech One.

0:32:430:32:48

What day is this?

0:32:480:32:49

The end of the world.

0:32:490:32:50

Again? We've only just got here.

0:32:500:32:52

Bill, with me.

0:32:530:32:55

What's happening?

0:32:550:32:56

What's happening is nobody leaves this ship

0:32:570:32:59

until I tell you otherwise.

0:32:590:33:01

Clear? Nobody leaves.

0:33:010:33:03

-Where are we going?

-No idea.

0:33:050:33:06

But if I look purposeful, they'll think I've got a plan.

0:33:060:33:09

If they think I've got a plan, at least they won't

0:33:090:33:12

-try to think of one themselves.

-But you don't have a plan.

0:33:120:33:14

I don't know how to stop it happening again

0:33:140:33:16

because I can't figure out why it happened last time.

0:33:160:33:19

What made them do this?

0:33:190:33:21

I think I need to show you something.

0:33:210:33:23

'Section A34, reanimation sequence commencing.'

0:33:240:33:28

The spacecraft landed.

0:33:320:33:34

Most of the colonists were kept in cryogenic suspension.

0:33:340:33:37

A few, the ones with skills...

0:33:370:33:39

The best ones. The brave ones.

0:33:390:33:41

They were woke to shepherd the little flocks of Vardy robots.

0:33:410:33:46

She came here. She was happy.

0:33:460:33:50

It was all going well...

0:33:510:33:53

Those are the shepherds, aren't they?

0:33:550:33:57

And they're all dead.

0:33:570:33:59

If we rearrange this data to reflect the time of death,

0:34:010:34:05

what do we get?

0:34:050:34:06

That's her.

0:34:110:34:13

This woman died. There's no sign of violence.

0:34:170:34:20

So, you know, she just died the way that humans do.

0:34:200:34:22

Then a few more people died all at the same time, and then

0:34:240:34:28

a lot more died just after, and then...

0:34:280:34:31

..the rest. Dozens.

0:34:320:34:34

A virus? A virus that went...

0:34:360:34:38

well, viral?

0:34:380:34:39

Grief! Grief! Grief as plague.

0:34:390:34:44

But how?

0:34:440:34:45

The Vardies, well, their job was to maintain happiness.

0:34:450:34:50

At first, that meant making sure there was enough oxygen and water.

0:34:500:34:53

That's what the badges are meant to communicate -

0:34:530:34:56

satisfaction, a positive mental state. But the Vardy are smart,

0:34:560:35:02

they learn,

0:35:020:35:03

they try to be good servants,

0:35:030:35:05

so they expand the definition of happiness until...

0:35:050:35:11

She dies.

0:35:110:35:13

No-one had ever died here before this lady.

0:35:140:35:17

The Vardies, they've never heard of grief before.

0:35:170:35:20

This place is all about hope and the future, and happiness.

0:35:200:35:25

No-one ever thought about the opposite.

0:35:250:35:27

The Vardies didn't know what to do with it.

0:35:270:35:29

They identified grief as the enemy of happiness

0:35:300:35:35

and everyone who was experiencing grief as a problem,

0:35:350:35:40

-as...

-Compost.

0:35:400:35:42

And all those dead people,

0:35:420:35:43

well, you know, they had friends and family, too, so...

0:35:430:35:46

-Even more compost.

-And so on, and so on, and so on,

0:35:460:35:48

and what you get is a whole grief tsunami.

0:35:480:35:52

And all of this took how long? One morning?

0:35:520:35:55

All of these people were slaughtered in a day?

0:35:550:35:58

Slaughtered for their own good

0:35:580:36:00

because the Vardy think different.

0:36:000:36:02

Like the magic haddock. Not bad, not good, just different.

0:36:020:36:06

So, what will happen when the new people meet the robots?

0:36:060:36:09

That's the boy.

0:36:200:36:22

The first to wake up. Where did you get this?

0:36:220:36:24

I'd think it's his mother's, don't you?

0:36:240:36:26

Or his nan's. Well, he'll find her,

0:36:260:36:30

when she wakes up in her pod.

0:36:300:36:31

I found that in the fruit garden, when we first arrived.

0:36:310:36:34

Oh.

0:36:360:36:38

I would say that a lot of the colonists had friends or family

0:36:380:36:42

who were working here as shepherds.

0:36:420:36:44

-When they find out what happened...

-They'll be grief-stricken.

0:36:440:36:47

-And after that...

-A massacre.

0:36:480:36:51

-OK, where are we going?

-What's the opposite of a massacre?

0:36:550:36:59

-OK, what?

-In my experience, a lecture.

0:37:000:37:02

You brought the Vardy here,

0:37:130:37:15

microbots to make your life so easy.

0:37:150:37:19

But like every slave class in history,

0:37:190:37:21

the Vardy are beginning to have ideas of their own.

0:37:210:37:25

They wanted to eliminate unhappiness,

0:37:260:37:28

but to a robot that meant eliminating unhappy people.

0:37:280:37:32

They gave you monitors, badges,

0:37:320:37:34

so they'd know when you were too unhappy to live.

0:37:340:37:37

-You need to listen.

-I did listen. What did I miss?

0:37:490:37:52

The Vardy have killed our families.

0:37:520:37:54

-But you need to understand why that happened.

-I don't care why.

0:37:540:37:56

Then you will die, too, and so will everyone on your ship.

0:37:560:37:59

-The Vardy are not your enemy.

-They want to kill us.

0:37:590:38:01

No. They want to help you. Killing you is just a side-effect.

0:38:010:38:04

-Get out of my way.

-You've got guns.

0:38:040:38:06

You think that will help against a whole living city?

0:38:060:38:09

That little boy, where did he go?

0:38:090:38:12

My mum was a gardener.

0:38:120:38:13

Have you seen her?

0:38:150:38:16

She's supposed to be here.

0:38:190:38:21

There he is!

0:38:310:38:32

Step away from the kid.

0:38:320:38:34

They're not armed. You don't need to do this.

0:38:340:38:37

-You just need to...

-What's wrong? What's going on?

0:38:370:38:41

Where's my mum? Where's everyone?

0:38:410:38:43

Where's everyone?

0:38:460:38:48

Oh, no, no, no, no, no! Don't cry, don't cry!

0:38:480:38:50

Hey, hey. Look, everything's going to be OK.

0:38:500:38:53

Look, this is your new house. Isn't it lovely?

0:38:530:38:57

I want Mummy.

0:38:570:38:58

Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile.

0:38:580:39:00

Everything's going to be fine if you just keep smiling...

0:39:000:39:03

Get away from the kid!

0:39:030:39:04

What's that?

0:39:120:39:14

Rage? Revenge?

0:39:140:39:17

-It's one robot.

-It's not one robot.

0:39:170:39:19

Doctor, what do we do?

0:39:210:39:23

Doctor, what's happening?

0:39:240:39:26

Cover fire, now!

0:39:260:39:28

-Fascinating!

-What's fascinating??

0:39:310:39:33

The Vardy are identifying as under attack, which means they identify

0:39:330:39:37

as a species. They are self-aware. They're... They're alive!

0:39:370:39:41

They're going to kill us!

0:39:410:39:43

SCREAMING

0:39:430:39:46

-What are you doing?

-I really hope this doesn't hurt.

0:39:470:39:49

Do you know why I always win at chess?

0:39:490:39:53

I have a secret move.

0:39:530:39:55

I kick over the board.

0:39:550:39:56

Here it comes!

0:39:560:39:58

Once, long ago, a fisherman caught a magic haddock.

0:40:050:40:10

The haddock offered the fisherman three wishes in return for its life.

0:40:110:40:15

The fisherman said, "I'd like my son to come home from the war

0:40:150:40:19

"and 100 pieces of gold."

0:40:190:40:21

The problem is magic haddock, like robots, don't think like people.

0:40:220:40:28

The fisherman's son came home from the war in a coffin

0:40:280:40:32

and the King sent 100 gold pieces in recognition of his heroic death.

0:40:320:40:37

The fisherman had one wish left.

0:40:370:40:40

What do you think he wished for?

0:40:400:40:42

Some people say he should have wished for an infinite series

0:40:420:40:45

of wishes, but if your city proves anything,

0:40:450:40:48

it is that granting all your wishes is not a good idea.

0:40:480:40:51

It's OK. It's not going to hurt you.

0:40:510:40:55

Actually, it doesn't even know who you are.

0:40:550:40:57

What happened? What have you done?

0:40:570:40:59

In fact, the fisherman wished that he hadn't made the first two wishes.

0:40:590:41:03

In a way, he pressed the reset button.

0:41:030:41:06

What the hell did you do?

0:41:060:41:07

Aren't you listening?

0:41:090:41:10

I pressed the reset button.

0:41:100:41:12

Every computer has one and anyone can find it,

0:41:120:41:15

especially if they happen to be a scary, handsome genius from space.

0:41:150:41:19

I re-initialised the entire command structure,

0:41:190:41:21

retaining all programmed abilities but deleting the supplementary

0:41:210:41:25

preference architecture.

0:41:250:41:27

He turned it off and on again.

0:41:270:41:29

I turned it off and on again.

0:41:290:41:30

Of course, I wiped their memories.

0:41:330:41:35

They no longer have the faintest idea who you are

0:41:370:41:40

and, in fact, they're wondering

0:41:400:41:41

what you're doing in their very nice city.

0:41:410:41:43

THEIR city?

0:41:440:41:46

Yes. THEIR city. It's made of them.

0:41:460:41:50

It's our city. They're our robots.

0:41:500:41:53

-They were.

-Welcome to your new world. Meet the Vardy.

0:41:530:41:58

They are, as of now, the indigenous life form.

0:41:580:42:01

You'd best make friends with them because there's loads of them,

0:42:010:42:05

and they're the only ones who know how anything works.

0:42:050:42:08

They killed our people.

0:42:090:42:10

Well, look, they have forgotten about that.

0:42:120:42:16

They've forgotten about you,

0:42:170:42:19

they've forgotten that you even made them in the first place.

0:42:190:42:23

Now, since they have absolute power over this city,

0:42:230:42:26

and since I'm assuming you all don't want to sleep rough tonight,

0:42:260:42:29

I have a suggestion for you...

0:42:290:42:31

-BOTH:

-Smile.

0:42:330:42:35

You can't be serious.

0:42:360:42:38

I am serious. In fact, I'm willing to be a negotiator.

0:42:380:42:41

-Are you now?

-Yes.

0:42:410:42:43

Watch.

0:42:430:42:45

Hello, I'm the Doctor.

0:42:480:42:50

A few hours ago, I made the mistake of not recognising your status

0:42:500:42:54

as an emergent new life form.

0:42:540:42:57

As recompense for my mistake, please allow me to act as your negotiator

0:42:570:43:01

with a migratory conglomerate known as the human race.

0:43:010:43:05

They're looking for a place to stay

0:43:050:43:06

and they've got their eye on your city.

0:43:060:43:08

Would you like me to discuss rent?

0:43:110:43:12

So, is it going to work?

0:43:180:43:20

That's up to them.

0:43:210:43:23

Did you just...

0:43:250:43:28

Well, did WE just...

0:43:280:43:30

..jumpstart a new civilisation?

0:43:310:43:33

It's a dirty job but someone's got to do it.

0:43:330:43:35

Did you do this all the time?

0:43:350:43:36

-Do what?

-Fly around, sorting things out,

0:43:360:43:39

like some kind of intergalactic policeman.

0:43:390:43:41

I don't sort things out and I'm definitely not a policeman.

0:43:410:43:44

You live in a police box.

0:43:440:43:46

That's pure coincidence.

0:43:460:43:48

Yeah, of course.

0:43:480:43:49

Back at the exact moment we left.

0:43:540:43:56

The kettle's boiling, I've got a vault to guard,

0:43:560:44:01

and everything is exactly as we left it.

0:44:010:44:04

Wasn't snowing when we left.

0:44:090:44:11

Maybe I do need a steering wheel.

0:44:160:44:17

-Where are we?

-London.

0:44:200:44:22

And this is the Thames.

0:44:250:44:28

ELEPHANT TRUMPETS

0:44:300:44:32

IT TRUMPETS AGAIN

0:44:340:44:36

Travel into the past, there's got to be rules.

0:44:390:44:41

If I step on a butterfly, it could send ripples through time.

0:44:410:44:44

Regency England? A bit more black than they show in the movies.

0:44:450:44:48

Are there any side effects to time travel?

0:44:480:44:51

Sometimes you see lights under the ice. Stay back!

0:44:510:44:54

There's something frozen under the Thames and it's eating people.

0:44:540:44:57

Plan? Let's get eaten.

0:44:570:44:58

The creature will be fed.

0:45:020:45:04

Have you ever killed anyone?

0:45:040:45:06

The language of the future is emoji! The Doctor takes Bill to a spectacular city on a distant planet - but where are the colonists? A band of 'cute' droids holds the deadly answer.


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