The Lie of the Land Doctor Who

The Monks have been with us from the beginning.

They shepherded humanity through its formative years,

gently guiding and encouraging,

like a parent clapping their hands at a baby's first steps.

They have been instrumental in all the advances

of culture and technology.

They watched proudly as man invented the light bulb,

the telephone

and the internet.

They were even there to welcome the first men on the moon.

'It's one small step for man,

'one giant leap for mankind.'

And they have defended us too.

Who can forget the time the Monks defeated the Daleks,

the Cybermen,

the Weeping Angels?

Two species, sharing a history as happily as they share a planet,

humanity and the Monks are a blissful and perfect partnership.

How lucky Earth is to have an ally as powerful and tender as the Monks,

that asks for nothing in return for their benevolence but obedience.

BANGING ON DOOR

BANGING CONTINUES

Go! Go! Go! Get down! On your knees!

Hands on your heads! Get down! On your knees!

Get down!

Search the room!

-Jane Bishop.

-That's me.

You are charged with the manufacture and possession

of propaganda intended to undermine the True History.

This is in contravention of the Memory Crimes Act of 1975.

1975?

The Monks have only been here a few months!

Therefore I sentence you to ten years in a labour camp.

Take her away.

-Come on!

-Be a good boy for Mummy!

The Monks have only been here a few months!

Fight back! It's all lies!

Get in!

-You know it's all lies!

-In there.

Right, nothing to see, move along!

SIRENS BLARE

So, relax, do as you're told.

Your future is taken care of.

SHOUTING AND GUNFIRE OUTSIDE

Hello, Mum.

The Monks...

'The Monks have only been here for six months.

'I can't remember how I escaped, Mum.

'I asked for their help and then...

'And then there's nothing.

'And then I woke up and the Monks were here,

'and they'd always been here.'

Come with me!

'Everything they told us, all that we believe now,

'is a lie.

'But I don't understand it, because no-one's saying anything.

'It's like...like they've been brainwashed.'

..with those who would do them harm

by implementing a swift and painless death.

CROWD CHEERS

Praise be the justice of the Monks.

I travelled with a man called the Doctor

and his friend called Nardole,

and I did this to save him.

I'm trying to stay strong without them

but, every day, it's harder to remember what's real any more.

If you suspect a colleague, a neighbour or a family member

of being a memory criminal...

And I know how it looks, Mum,

with all the stuff that he's been saying on the telly,

but it's all right, because I know he has a plan.

And one day soon, he's going to come back and save us all.

One day...

KEY RATTLES IN LOCK

DOOR CLOSES

FOOTSTEPS

THEY BOTH SHRIEK

What are you doing?! It's me, Nardie!

No... Wait. Shut up. Tell me something. That first time,

with the Heather creature chasing us, where did we run away to?

-Australia.

-What noise should spaceship doors make?

Shuck-shuck! Obviously.

Oh, God!

It happened.

I knew it.

It all really happened.

Ow!

-Where have you been?!

-That hurt me, that really hurt me!

I needed you!

Well, I got contaminated by that bacteria in the lab, didn't I?

I was laid up for six weeks. If I was human, I would have died.

Right now, you'd be talking to...

Come to think of it, who were you talking to?

Um...

My...

Um...my mum.

I thought your mum...

-WHISPERS:

-..died...

You know, when you were...

-WHISPERS:

-..little.

I made up a version of her.

Yeah, I talk to her all the time.

Oh...

Well, that's not that weird.

I used to have an imaginary friend.

Until he left me for someone else.

-Hmph!

-I know, charming(!)

They're doing something to us. The Monks. I can't think straight.

It's like they're saying they've been here for ever,

and I know they haven't,

but part of me is starting to think that it's real.

Every day, I have to remind myself that everything that you,

me and the Doctor did actually happened,

and it wasn't just a dream.

Why do it?

That's what I don't get.

They invade somewhere, take control.

Why go to the trouble of changing the past?

However bad a situation is,

if people think that's how it's always been,

they'll put up with it. That's 90% of the job done.

Wait, you said you were ill for six weeks.

-Mmm.

-What have you been doing since then?

Looking for the Doctor.

Have you found him?

Well, let's just say...

-Yes, yes, yes, I found him!

-Ha!

So...

All anyone's seen of the Doctor in the last six months

-are those broadcasts he does.

-He's faking it, I'm positive.

He hasn't joined the Monks. He's being held prisoner.

He's just biding his time, waiting.

The thing is, the Monks have got some kind of scrambler,

so no-one can trace the broadcasts.

Lucky, then, that I have got this!

It traces the source of the signal and gives a map coordinate.

Cool! Where'd you get it?

Found it in the TARDIS.

Yeah, it was in one of the drawers

with some old takeaway menus and 50 Danish krone.

Anyway, this is them.

So he's at sea?

Mm-hm. Yeah.

Yeah. The Monks have got him on one of the old prison boats.

Hulks, they used call them.

-So, how do we get to him?

-Every six weeks,

all their food and fuel and stuff

gets taken to them by a supply boat.

The next delivery is in two days' time,

off the coast of Scotland.

That's our chance!

HE GASPS

Yeah, that really has to stop.

'It's happening, Mum.

'I knew it would!

'So, Nardole has made contact with the captain of the supply boat

'that runs to and from the prison ship

'where the Doctor's being held.

'His son is serving ten years in a labour camp

'for possession of a box of comics,

'so he's no fan of the Monks.

'He'll get us on board the prison ship.

'Security is really tight, obviously,

'but Nardole says there's not been much in the way of resistance

'since the Monks took over,

'so they're more worried about the Doctor getting out

'than anyone getting in.'

ORDERS ARE SHOUTED

'But what we don't want is for them

'to do a spot-check on our identity papers.'

Papers! Spot check.

'Nardole doesn't have any,

'and I'm down as university kitchen staff.'

ENGINES WHIR

It's them!

DOOR CLANGS SHUT

All right, what are you waiting for?

We need to get this stuff on board. Chop chop.

-Come on!

-Come on!

'After that, we're on our own.

MUFFLED SPEECH

Over the years, I have encountered innumerable civilisations,

but never one as benevolent as the Monks.

Their grace and humility...

No, their grace and philanthropy is matched only by their...

Careful.

Doctor?

Doctor, it's me.

Guards!

What are you doing here?

WEAPONS ARE COCKED

What does it look like? We've come to save you.

This is your doing, isn't it?

You shouldn't be here. I'll have to talk to the Monks now.

-Doctor...

-Stop. Don't. Don't move. They will kill you.

Stay where you are.

Epsilon. Fire.

Jupiter. Lily.

The Monks are on their way.

When they get here, let me do the talking.

Wait, what was that?

Did you actually just call them, you nutter?

You deserve an explanation.

Human society is...

..stagnating.

You've stopped moving forward.

In fact, you're regressing.

-This isn't exactly much better.

-It's safer.

Not so much for the people the Monks are killing.

The Romans killed people

and saved billions more from disease, war, famine

and barbarism.

No, wait.

What about free will?

You believe in free will. Your whole thing is...

You made me write a 3,000-word essay on free will.

Yes, well, I mean,

you had free will, and look at what you did with it!

Worse than that, you had history.

History was saying to you,

"Look, I've got some examples of fascism here for you to look at!

"No? Fundamentalism? No?

"Oh, OK, you carry on."

I had to stop you,

or at least not stand in the way of someone else who wanted to,

because the guns were getting bigger,

the stakes were getting higher,

and any minute now it was going to be goodnight, Vienna.

By the way, you never delivered that essay, anyway.

Because the world was invaded by zombie Monks!

And whose fault was that?

Huh? I didn't ask for my sight back.

No, you took it upon yourself to ignore me,

to do what you thought was best.

All I can say is that we are lucky it was a benevolent race

like the Monks, not the Daleks.

Yes, I know the Monks are ruthless,

I get that. Yes, they play with history

and I'm not exactly thrilled about that,

but they bring peace and order.

OK.

Yeah, yeah, I get it.

It's like that time we discovered that huge fish creature

in the Seine in Paris.

That was a coded message.

The big fish creature was under the Thames.

If I'd played along, she'd have known that I was tricking you.

Guns down.

I'm sorry, Bill.

I just... I just...

I really wanted to make you see.

This...

This is real.

You...

You're actually...

You're actually doing this.

Do you have any idea

how hard the past few months have been?

How hard it's been to hold onto to the truth?

It would have been so easy to just give in

and believe their lies.

But I didn't.

I fought against it.

For YOU!

For when YOU came back.

And now you're saying you've joined them?

You're helping them?

WEAPONS ARE COCKED

Bill, put the gun down.

I'm serious, Doctor.

We'll think of something else.

But you better tell me NOW.

Because if you help the Monks,

then nothing will ever stop them.

They'll be here for ever.

It's not a trick, it's not a plan. I have joined the Monks.

Whatever it takes,

I'm going to save you from yourselves.

HE GASPS

HE ROARS

Good girl!

THEY CHUCKLE

Regeneration a little bit too much?

No, I thought it was a nice touch.

"Too much" was Richard asking for our identity papers.

I couldn't resist it. Your face.

Er, hello?

Could somebody tell me what the hell is going on?

You did it.

You did it!

The Monks are using some kind of...

you know, something,

to control the population.

They must be, otherwise they wouldn't have been able to

hold on to power for this long.

Now, they don't trust me yet, not completely,

and I had to just check that you weren't under the influence

-and testing me.

-So you...

You...you haven't turned?

You're not working for them?

No, of course not!

I've spent the last six months planning,

and also recruiting all these chaps.

Deprogramming them one by one,

talking some sense into them.

And there's loads of them - I could do with a Strepsil!

But I shot you.

Yes, well, that was the plan, you see?

Everyone exchanged their ammo for blanks.

-Ahem.

-Did you forget, Dave?

You forgot?

Well, that would have really blown the plan, wouldn't it?

But you called the Monks.

I called the kitchen.

Oh, could you pop down and explain it to them?

They're going to be really confused.

And you were in on this too?

It was partly his idea.

Oh, my...God.

-I'm going to beat the sh...

-No! No!

Oh, come on, come on,

we've got the band back together again!

Now, lovely as it is to have you on board,

literally and metaphorically,

we're going to need some help.

So, who are we going to get?

The only person I know almost as smart as me.

Oh...

I see.

Blimey.

Has it really come to that?

'Mum, it's me.

'We're coming back.

'We could have snuck back in, but the Doctor being the Doctor...'

SHIP'S HORN BLARES

HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

'By the time we got back to the university,

'the Monks were waiting for us...

'..of course.

'We weren't headed to his office, though.

'Even so, the Doctor was nervous, Mum. I could tell.

'He HAD to do this, he said.

'He HAD to open the vault.'

Move into the containment field, please.

BEEPING

CLANGING

GENTLE PIANO MUSIC PLAYS

But it's...

It's just a woman.

The way you and Nardole have been carrying on,

-I thought you had a monster in here, or something!

-I do.

Missy...

Bill.

Bill, Missy,

the other Last of the Time Lords.

Wait a sec.

Why have you got a woman locked in a vault?

Because even I think that's weird, and I've been attacked by a puddle.

-She's going cold turkey from being bad.

-Hmph!

I want to ask if you've had any dealings with the Monks before.

Of course! I've had adventures too.

My whole life doesn't revolve around you, you know?

-Did you defeat them?

-I did.

How?

I've got some requests.

I want some new books, some toys,

like a particle accelerator,

a 3-D printer and a pony.

I don't think that you really grasp what's going on here.

Nice people generally don't haggle over the fate of a planet.

I once built a gun out of leaves.

Do you think I couldn't get through a door if I wanted to?

I'm here, all right? I'm engaging with the process.

OK, yeah, we can get those things for you.

C'est super!

So, what have you got so far?

They hold on to power by targeting the part of the brain

specifically to do with memory and perception, correct? Right?

Getting warm. Fingers tingling.

But they target it with what exactly? How do they sustain it?

How do their lies infiltrate the brains of billions?

Is it some kind of airborne psychoactive?

No, no, that's very cold, very cold.

Something that's constantly being fed to the populace,

constantly consolidating its hold. Is it in the water?

God, no. It's freezing, freezing, absolutely freezing.

Couldn't be colder, very, very, chilly, so, so chilly.

Oh, come on.

I'm bored! You haven't been to see me in six months.

No-one has!

Not even that bald bloke who looks like an egg!

You left her alone in here for six months?!

I was in prison for six months!

Start at the beginning.

How do they get a foothold on a planet?

Some idiot asks for their help.

Not just any idiot.

It has to be a properly consenting human mind.

A pure request, one without agenda or ulterior motive.

It's them.

That person creates a psychic link,

which forms an anchor that keeps the Monks in power.

They're the lynchpin!

Scalding! Ow!

But the brainwaves of one person wouldn't be powerful enough

to contain an entire planet...

The statues!

As soon as they got here, the Monks put up statues!

In every town square, in every park and every playground!

You're on fire, you're literally on fire you're so caliente.

That's Spanish for "hot".

The statues are transmitters!

They boost the signal and beam it out all around the world!

Boom! You've exploded.

Now, all you have to do is find whoever opened the door to

-the Monks in the first place.

-Say I already have.

Oh, well, then you're sorted.

Just kill them. That weakens the Monks' grip on the world.

No, no, no, that can't be right.

There are planets that the Monks have ruled for thousands of years.

It's passed on through the bloodline.

Usually the lynchpin goes on to lead a normal life, have their

own family, and the link is passed down through the generations.

But the Monks must have worked that out.

-They've been doing this for millennia.

-Why?

If the link is passed on, the Monks stay in charge through,

they think, their ruthlessness and efficiency.

But if the lynchpin dies and the link isn't passed on and the

Monks get booted off the planet, they just chalk it up to experience.

SHE PLAYS THE ENTERTAINER

No, it's OK.

I want to speak to her.

-Yes?

-So when you defeated the Monks, that's how you did it?

Well, at this point, all that was left of the bloodline

was a wee girl, and I just pushed her into a volcano.

It's me. The lynchpin is me.

DISCORDANT PIANO NOTES

Awwwk-waaard...

So you're saying I have to die.

No. If you were just to die,

everyone's false memories would have to fade,

and that could take ages.

It's actually better if you keep breathing,

if your brain just keeps transmitting...

well, nothing. That would blot out the residue false memories.

What would be left of me?

You'd be a husk. Completely and irrevocably brain-dead.

You couldn't even get on Celebrity Love Island.

Even if that was the truth, the fact that you're suggesting it

shows there's been no change, no hope, no point.

We don't sacrifice people. It's wrong...because it's easy.

Back in the day, I'd burn an entire city to the ground just to

see the pretty shapes the smoke made.

I'm sorry your plus one doesn't get a happy ending,

but, like it or not, I just saved this world

because I want to change.

'Your version of good is not absolute.

'It's vain, arrogant and sentimental.

'If you're waiting for me to become all that...

'I'm going to be here for a long time yet.'

-What did she say?

-Nothing.

There's a way to defeat them.

There isn't. Well, there is, but not that.

Come on! You knew she was going to say something like this.

That's why you needed me back.

You could have escaped from that ship.

You could have started something to defeat the Monks without me.

I wanted you back by my side because it's the safest place in the world.

-Can someone...? What did she say?

-She said it's me.

I asked the Monks for help and started all of this,

so I have to be the one to finish it.

The only downside is, if that's what we do...

..well, it's not worth me starting any long books.

OK, well, er, let's put a pin in it for now, as they say,

and, er, see if we can think of something else.

You said the safest place for me was by your side.

That's what's protecting the Monks.

It's why their plan works.

The Cathedral. The Monks' headquarters.

Oh, yes. We're going to have to break in there.

Why?

Somewhere in there, the Monks must have some kind of machine

that creates and broadcasts the myths of their history,

the ones that are powered by, carried by, fed by your brainwaves.

So, we get in, I plug myself into it and replace the signals that they

are receiving with my brainwaves

and beam out the true history of the world.

Oh, yes! I could even throw in some other stuff.

The things that I could change just by thinking.

Racism. People who talk in cinemas!

Are you sure?

This would be an incredibly sophisticated transmitter,

powerful enough to beam highly detailed propaganda

to the entire world 24 hours a day,

and you're going to plug your brain into it?

I know. It doesn't stand a chance.

That's odd - there's no Monks guarding the entrance.

Come away from the window.

How many Monks were there?

-About 12 Monks there.

-12?

Well, you have to admit, that's ever so clever.

You see? Another way they hang on to power is to create a myth

that they're here in greater numbers than they really are.

The beam is stronger here, isn't it? I can almost hear it.

It's so hard to hang on to any thought of life before the Monks.

Yes, and it's going to get stronger

the closer we get to the transmitter.

The lies are going to become more convincing.

You'll want to turn around. You won't know what you're doing here

or why you're working against the Monks.

Have you all got your stereo, headphone, iThing?

Yeah. You never told us what we needed these for.

Ah, this is where you come in.

'The Monks are not our friends.

'They have invaded Earth and made its people slaves.

'They cling onto power by means of a powerful transmitter

'broadcasting myths and lies

'that suggest that they have always been here.

'In fact, they have only been here a few months

'and have falsified and manipulated our history.

'Our mission is to interrupt their broadcast and replace it

'with the true history of Earth,

'which will weaken and undermine the Monks' power.

'The Monks are not our friends.

'They have invaded Earth and made its people slaves.

'They cling onto power by means of a powerful transmitter,

'broadcasting myths and lies

'that suggest that they have always been here.'

-Take cover!

-'In fact, they have only been here a few months

'and have falsified and manipulated our history.

'Our mission is to interrupt their broadcast

'and replace it with the true history of Earth,

'which will weaken and undermine the Monks' power.

'The Monks are not our friends. They have invaded Earth...'

GUNFIRE

SHOUTING

Reload it now!

Are you OK?

Yeah, I think it's my...

Oh...

Doctor!

It's in here.

CLICKING

Everything all right, Alan?

You tricked us.

You tried to make us believe the Monks were invaders.

How could you say that?

They've always been here, you know that.

Uh-huh.

Oh, I see.

The Monks are our friends.

I won't let you hurt them.

I'll die first.

I'll kill you first.

Tarovian Neck Pinch.

Yeah, I studied their martial arts for a while, actually.

Reached the level of Brown Tabard.

Can't do it with this hand though.

Kind of bugs me. Course, this wasn't my original hand,

as you know. I won this in a game of...

Yeah, let's...

..crack on.

Fake News Central.

I can think.

They're not in my head, why is that?

We're in the eye of the storm.

Guard the doors. We can't be interrupted.

Boo!

Not necessary.

OK, he's out, let's do this.

It's working!

The Monks are disappearing!

Oh, I didn't agree to this.

What's happening?

He's fighting back.

He's blocking me, countering every move.

Look!

Oh, no, no, no.

Argh!

Doctor!

I wanted to do it before you woke up.

But I had to say goodbye.

Bill, whatever you're planning, there's no need for this.

Let me try again. He caught me unawares.

Cup of tea and I'll get my second wind.

Even your brain couldn't stand another roasting like that.

So we'll find another way. Let me talk to Missy again.

We have the answer! Doctor, please!

I don't want our last conversation to be this.

I don't want this to be our last conversation.

Goodbye, Doctor.

Thank you.

God, it was worth it.

Bill...

Bill, no, don't, Bill. Bill, Bill!

It will kill you, Bill.

It's too powerful!

Bill! I... I order you!

I'm ordering you not to do this!

Bill!

Nardole, untie me!

Nardole, untie me now!

Bill, don't do this!

OK.

I don't usually let someone erase my brain on the first date,

but seeing as it's you...

No!

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

They're hijacking her memories.

Infecting them like a virus.

She's just reinforcing their lies.

She's dying for nothing!

Argh! There must be a way to shut this thing down!

Hello, Mum.

Doctor, look!

You clever, brilliant, ridiculous girl!

Look at that! All the pictures I gave you! I thought I was just

being kind, but I was saving the world.

Bill, if there's any of you left in there, listen -

you have to keep thinking about your mum, the memory you created.

Her voice, her smile, the Monks can't get near it.

Fill your mind with it! Push it into every corner.

Bill.

Mum!

She's filling its mind with one pure, uncorrupted,

irresistible image.

And it's broadcasting it to the world, because it can't help it.

All those years you kept her alive inside you,

an isolated subroutine in a living mind.

Perfect, untouchable.

She's a window on the world without the Monks.

Absolutely loved, absolutely trusted.

And that window is opening everywhere.

A glimpse of freedom.

But a glimpse...

is all you need.

The lie is breaking!

Bill's mum, you just went viral!

You did it, you broke the signal.

What are the Monks going to do?

What oppressors always do when they realise who's really in power...

They run.

CLAMOUR

This is exciting, isn't it?

Kind of... It's like a turning point.

Humans have learned that they can overthrow dictators and stuff,

they just have to band together.

It's not quite as simple as that.

You, Appalling Hair, this thing that we're sitting on, what is it?

Uh, we thought they were just like filming something here or something?

Thank you. Very helpful.

Now go away, or something.

You see?

The Monks have erased themselves.

Humanity is doomed to never learn from its mistakes.

Well, I guess that's part of our charm.

No, it's really quite annoying.

Anyway, I mustn't keep you.

3,000 words.

The Mechanics of Free Will.

Now six months overdue.

Why do you put up with us, then?

In amongst seven billion...

..there's someone like you.

That's why I put up with the rest of them.

I keep remembering all the people I've killed.

Every day I think of more.

Being bad...

Being bad drowned that out.

I didn't know I even knew their names.

You didn't tell me about this bit.

I'm sorry, but this is good.

OK.

There were humans on Mars in Victorian times?

No, there weren't.

-Faraday asked for my help.

-In return for what?

Halt!

This could be the entrance to an Ice Warrior hive.

Faraday has been using you all along.

His aim was to get back to Mars and find his queen.

Rise, my Ice Warriors!

Rise!

I dare say the British Army is more than a match for a bunch

of upright crocodiles!

You don't stand a chance when you see those warriors.