Empress of Mars Doctor Who

CHATTER

PHONE RINGS

Don't let us down now, Valkyrie.

-Fingers crossed, Alan.

-I got everything crossed.

OK, people. Transmission arriving in...

..ten, nine, eight, seven, six...

Five, four, three, two, one!

Sorry, I could never resist a countdown!

-Who the hell are you?!

-Is this Neil Armstrong?

What?

Neil Armstrong? First man on the Moon.

Not quite the first...

You mean he wasn't the first man on the Moon?

That is such a human-centric question.

I'm the human in this set up.

She is, actually.

It's a bit embarrassing, really.

Who are you people?

Friendly aliens. Don't mind us, just a day out for the kids.

It's from the Chief!

Is it? Oh, yes. That's right.

Authorising us to go anywhere we please. So - Valkyrie?

Valkyrie...is...

..probing the Martian ice caps with a new kind of camera on board.

Uses a different spectrum

to see under the poles and beam back pictures.

What the hell...?

Mars. 1881. Or thereabouts.

According to the TARDIS, that's when the message was made.

Though we may be a bit early.

-So, there were humans on Mars in Victorian times?

-No.

There weren't.

The TARDIS registered multiple life forms below the surface,

so this seems like the best place to look.

Maybe someone's been messing around with time. Like in The Terminator.

The Terminator?

It's a movie. You haven't seen it?

I'm a very busy man.

You'd like it. It's got killer robots.

Ooh, I'll put it on the list.

Even if there are people here, why would they bother writing

messages on the surface of the planet?

State visit? Patriotic fervour?

Rogue graffiti artist?

Doctor...

I see it.

If there's fire, there's got to be oxygen!

Wait, wait! Let's not be rash.

-OK.

-I'll go first.

What are you doing?!

Fire. Oxygen. Basic physics, isn't it?

Could've been basic death!

Wait, how can there be oxygen here?

The indigenous Martians were superb engineers.

Mind you, there's a lot here that doesn't make sense.

It's like the underground tunnels in The Thing.

The what?

It's a movie. You'd like that one too. Everybody dies.

SHE SCREAMS

SHE GROANS

Bill? Bill?

Bill! Bill!

Hang on! We'll find a way down!

Go back to the TARDIS! Get ropes. Lifting gear.

Anything you can find!

HE WHIMPERS

HE MUTTERS

VWORP

Nardole, what the hell are you doing?

WHIRRING

THUDDING

THUDDING APPROACHES

So this could go very well or very badly.

Halt!

I say! We weren't expecting company!

Right.

Er... Yeah.

Right.

By the moons, I honour thee. I am the Doctor.

What is your name?

RASPING

I know your people of old.

I was once an Honorary Guardian of the Tythonian Hive.

CLICK

Don't move. I'll sort this beggar out.

No, no, no, no! You don't understand!

This creature is no threat! He may look like a monster to you...

GUNSHOT

I wasn't talking to you.

Are you all right, Friday?

-HOARSELY:

-Sir.

Who are you and what the devil are you doing here?

I could ask you the same question. And I will!

VWORP

ELECTRONIC BEEPING

Hello.

Hello, Miss?

I was wondering if I could ask for your help?

I need to get to Mars.

Well, I need to get back to Mars, in fact.

Um...and...it's a little bit urgent, only the TARDIS is acting up.

I was wondering if you could tell me how to fix...

'Course I can.'

Oh, right. Thank you.

'But it's probably easier if I just show you.'

Oh. Erm...

Indian or China, m'dear?

Erm. I... I dunno. China?

-WHISPERS:

-Where's Nardole?

Erm... He seems to have taken the TARDIS.

-What?!

-I'm sure it's only a temporary thing

but it means that for the time being, we're stuck here on Mars.

You were saying, Colonel?

Oh, well, yes, I was stationed out there. South Africa.

One day, I came across something in the veldt.

Something that was clearly not of this earth.

An interplanetary vessel!

I found Friday here on board. In a sort of coma.

Half dead.

Why do you call him that?

Man Friday? As in Robinson Crusoe?

So, according to this you've been on board Friday's ship the whole time?

Yes. We were... That sounds... That sounds...

Convincing?

Yes, that's right. On his ship.

Well, I suppose it was pretty roomy, what!

Yes!

THEY ALL CHUCKLE

-It was! Yes. Wasn't it?

-Yes.

-Very roomy.

But the whole, you know, getting on board... I mean, that's all...

It's all a bit hazy. Maybe you could tell us everything.

Yes, well...after I woke him up, Friday asked for my help.

To repair his spaceship?

-Yes. And to bring him home.

-In return for what?

Ah. Well, now. That is the question.

BOOM

-Prepare to fire!

-At the double!

Go, go, go!

'Friday helped us build the Gargantua, a remarkable piece

'of mining equipment fashioned from one of his ship's artillery.'

'He promised us gemstones, you see, silver...gold...

'Treasure beyond our wildest dreams.'

That's why you helped him come home.

To claim Mars in the name of Queen Victoria.

To loot it of its riches. Stake a claim.

The red planet turned pink.

That was the general idea, old love. But there's nothing here.

Whole show's been a ruddy wash out. The ship crashed on landing.

I go top side now and then to see if I can repair the beggar.

That's what I was doing when I ran across you.

-And?

-No joy so far.

It could have been a fresh start. For all of us.

But now supplies are running as low as morale.

Things are pretty desperate, I'm afraid.

RINGING

THUDDING FOOTSTEPS

You've told us why you came here.

What does he get out of it?

-Nothing.

-Nothing?

He was hoping to find his people.

But it appears he was asleep on that ship

much longer than he anticipated.

Mars is dead. Dead as a coffin nail.

Friday is the last of his kind.

Is he now?

You know what Friday is then?

He's an Ice Warrior.

And they're the proper Martians right? They belong here?

Yes. The indigenous species. An ancient reptilian race.

They built themselves a sort of bio-mechanical armour for protection.

The creature within is at one with its carapace.

The Ice Warriors, they could build a city under the sand

yet drench the snows of Mars with innocent blood.

They could slaughter whole civilisations,

yet weep at the crushing of a flower.

Like The Vikings.

Yes. Yes, very much.

Yeah, Kirk Douglas and Tony Curtis! The theme tune is amazing!

There's this brilliant bit where his eye gets gouged out...

RASPING

Why have you really come back?

I am old and tired and spent.

WHOOSHING

EXPLOSION

Now then, Vincey. Look lively, lad.

What's the point, though?

Jackdaw...

Months we've been digging 'ere and what have we got to show for it?

Sweet Fanny Adams, that's what.

-OTHERS:

-Yeah!

What old Friday promised, it's a load of gammon!

EXPLOSION

-Jackdaw...

-What...?

You must come at once, sir. The Gargantua!

She's... She's uncovered something!

Good Lord!

Looks like old Friday came good after all, eh?

It's beautiful. What is it?

A tomb?

Not just any tomb.

This is the tomb of an Ice Queen.

I have a bad feeling about this.

These sarcophagi were sometimes part of a complex hibernation system.

-Sergeant Major, get these civilians out of here.

-No!

Colonel, colonel, you have to let me examine this.

I think not, Doctor. This is a military matter.

This may not just be a grave you've uncovered.

This could be the entrance to an Ice Warrior Hive.

A what? Sergeant Major Peach! I gave you an order...

I am in charge here, Catchlove!

Yes, sir. Of course, sir.

Post a guard.

-No-one is to go near this thing until the morning, is that clear?

-Yes, sir!

The last thing I'm going to do is take sides.

But isn't it obvious? Friday has been using you all along.

His aim was to get back to Mars and find his Queen.

Nonsense! He was leading us to the riches he promised us.

The simple fact is, you don't belong here.

The sooner you get off this planet, the better!

Don't belong?! We're British! Mars is part of the empire now.

What happened to not taking sides?

I'm trying to save their lives!

Let's face it, in this scenario, the humans are the invaders.

On the other hand, the Ice Warriors have vastly superior armaments

which will wipe the humans out.

So what am I supposed to do?

Here you go, Sarge.

-Much obliged, I'm sure, Jackdaw.

-Don't I get none?

-RHIP, son.

-Eh?

Rank has its privileges.

Christ alive, look at the gild on that thing!

That would set a fella up for life, Vincey.

Even just a little bit of it.

Now then, you 'orrible old man,

don't go getting no fancy notions.

I'm sure the colonel will be distributing this munificence

in a fair and decent fashion,

and we can all look forward to...

to a...

a rosy...

..future...

Sarge?!

Jackdaw! What have you done?

A quietner from the infirmary.

He'll be as right as ninepence come dawn.

-But by then, I'll be gone.

-Gone?

Gone where?

Case you've forgotten, we're marooned on ruddy Mars!

You don't know what I know, son.

Captain Catchlove's further on with his repairs than he's let on.

Oh, yes, my old love, Jackdaw's going home,

but this time, he'll be minted!

Come on. Give us a hand.

Right!

Keep an eye out, will you?

Nah, you ain't getting me involved in this lark, Jackdaw!

Go on! Be a sport!

You'll get your share of the rhino, I promise!

# It's the same the whole world over... #

HE STRAINS

# ..It's the poor what gets the blame... #

HE GRUNTS

# ..It's the rich what gets the pleasure

# Ain't it all a bleedin' shame! #

HE LAUGHS

CREAKING AND HISSING

CLATTERING

Someone's coming, Jackdaw!

We'll ruddy swing for this!

Jackdaw!

Come on, mate. Don't muck about...

Jackdaw?

What manner of fleshy worm are you?

SLOW, HEAVY FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

Speak.

What the hell...?

GUNSHOT

That was...unwise.

WEAPON POWERS UP

HE SCREAMS

SHE HISSES

Your Majesty.

By the moons, I honour thee, Iraxxa.

My Empress! My Queen!

My Sentinel.

You have fulfilled your pledge.

I am resurrected!

Forgive me, Majesty,

but we have slept longer than anticipated.

By my calculations, Majesty,

we have slept for 5,000 years.

5,000 years?

-ALARM BELL RINGS

-Jump to it! Move!

INDISTINCT SHOUTING

What the devil? What the hell's going on here, Friday?

Colonel, let me speak to them. I can do this. I can sort this out.

Who the devil is this?

She is Iraxxa,

Empress of Mars.

The deuce she is! And you think you can just go about

slaughtering my men willy-nilly, do you, madam?

"Your men"?

What does the pink thing say?

Pink thing?!

Sergeant Major, call to arms!

-No! No! Wait, Catchlove! Wait!

-WEAPON POWERS UP

-Honour must be satisfied. An eye for an eye!

-I

-am in command here!

All right.

By the moons, I honour thee.

I'm the Doctor...

..and I beg leave to intercede.

-You know my race?

-I do.

And I ask mercy for these primitives.

-"Primitives"?!

-Shhhh!

Majesty, the world you knew is dead. SHE HISSES

The atmosphere has all but evaporated.

The surface is lifeless.

If there are others who sleep here,

they cannot survive on Mars without help.

You must cooperate if you are to survive.

He speaks the truth, Majesty.

The war, all that we fought for, is less than the dust now.

And you!

Female.

What do you say?

Me?

We are both surrounded by...noisy males.

I would value your opinion.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, er...

They're not lying to you.

There's no need for anyone else to die today.

The humans saved his life.

Is this true?

His cryogenic cell was damaged. They saved him.

And made him their pet!

It was necessary to dissemble, Majesty.

I thought only of your resurrection.

It was a tactical decision...

An Ice Warrior's duty is to command!

Present!

RIFLES CLINK

Iraxxa, listen to me!

The Mars you ruled is gone!

But don't let it end this way!

Fight, yes,

but for the future.

Not a dead past.

GUNSHOT

-You bloody fool!

-Sorry, sir!

Down! Put your gun down. Halt!

Your Majesty, are you all right?

You ask for mercy for these creatures?

Indeed.

Then I grant it.

Thank you.

They will die...

quickly.

No-o-o-o! Colonel! Get your men out of here!

WEAPON POWERS UP Colonel!

Colonel!

Retreat! RETREAT!

Catchlove, listen to me! Your only chance is to come to terms.

-We have the Gargantua! Is she primed and aimed, Sergeant?

-Yes, sir!

-No, no, I forbid you, that is not a weapon!

-"Forbid"? You forbid(?)

This farce has gone on long enough!

Arms at the ready!

MACHINERY CLANKS

No! No! Don't shoot! For God's sake.

Down! Put your guns down!

-What the devil?

-POWERING UP

BLASTER SHOT, RUMBLING

MASONRY PATTERS

ALL CHEER

That will hold them!

We're about to go to war, so it's time you knew the truth.

Listen to me, men!

The colonel is not what he appears!

The hero of Isandlwana(!)

-Show them your famous wound, Colonel.

-No, no. No, please!

-No, please...

-Show them!

-FABRIC RIPS

The mark of a rope!

While you were fighting for Queen and country,

the colonel here was dancing the Newgate polka!

This is the mark of the rope that failed to hang him for desertion!

They tried to hang him, but they bungled it.

He's a paper tiger. Not fit to command!

Look, it doesn't matter who's in charge of your stupid expedition!

You don't stand a chance against the Ice Warriors!

-What, all two of 'em?

-There'll be more, you idiot!

The Hive is active.

Don't you see? They'll do anything to defend their home planet.

Well, I dare say the British Army

is more than a match for a bunch of upright crocodiles.

-Sergeant Major!

-Sir?

-I'm assuming command.

Take the colonel and put him in the brig.

-Sergeant Major Peach, I gave you an order.

-Very good, sir.

Private!

If you'd be so good as to come this way, sir?

Oh, and for the last time, get these wretched people out of my sight.

Put them in the brig, too. There's no room for civilians here.

This isn't over, Catchlove.

No. It ain't.

Not now Neville Catchlove's in charge!

DOOR SLAMS

You'll regret this!

In a couple of hours, you'll be begging for help!

It will take time to revive all my Warriors.

But perhaps enough are awoken

to go on the offensive.

CLANKING, THEY HISS

If either of those creatures get out of there, we'll be ready for them.

Yes, sir.

-Carry on, Sergeant Major.

-We won't let you down, sir.

SONIC SCREWDRIVER TRILLS There's no setting for wood!

-Why is there still no setting for wood?!

-But...you've got a plan?

Yes, of course, I've got a plan. I'm all plans. I'm MADE of plans!

Who the deuce are you two, really?

You speak of us as though we're a different species.

You seem to know all about these...these Ice Warriors.

You seem to know a lot about most things.

-Well, we're sort of police.

-Speak for yourself!

HE LAUGHS

What, you can deal big green Martians and...and...rocket ships,

but you can't deal with us being the police?

No, no, no, no, no...

It's just such a fanciful notion. A woman in the police force...!

HE CHUCKLES

Listen, yeah,

I'm going to make allowances for your Victorian attitudes because...

well, you actually are Victorian...

But...anyway!

Is it true? You deserted?

Why?

Oh, cowardice.

Simple cowardice.

I thought I had it in me to command, Miss Potts,

but when push came to shove, I...I flunked it.

Deserted my post.

Catchlove was the only one who knew and he's bled me dry.

-HE SIGHS

-Could have been a fresh start,

for all of us.

-How's it looking out there?

-All quiet.

It's traditional, at this point, to say, "too quiet".

LOW CHATTER

Always liked the colonel, I did. Seemed a decent chap.

Well, we must take orders from the captain now, son.

Them's the rules.

Sir.

Blimey, Sarge.

This is a queer 'un, ain't it?

Something to tell your kids. I mean...Martians...?!

You just face front and mark your man when you see him, Vincey lad.

Martian or no Martian.

Wait till Alice hears all this.

Set a date, have you, son?

You and your Alice?

Not yet. I want to have enough put by to make us comfy.

And then we'll get married in that little church

with the twisted spire back home.

Down by the river.

It's so green there, Sarge. It's beautiful.

I miss the trees and the grass!

I never want to see red again in all my puff. I just want to see...

HE GASPS

MARCHING FOOTSTEPS

WEAPON POWERS UP, GUNFIRE

BLASTER SHOTS

How, in God's name, did they get behind us?!

CLANKING MACHINERY, MEN SHOUT

-Turn it!

-BLASTER FIRE

Turn it, for God's sake, 90 degrees!

It won't work, sir, we need more men!

Catchlove, this is senseless slaughter!

BLASTER FIRE

PANICKED SHOUTS

Present!

Fire!

Come on, lads! There's only three of them.

Sleep no more, my Warriors!

Sleep no more, it is time!

Doctor, what do we do? There's no way out.

Close the gap!

ALL SHOUT

Retreat! Retreat! Run for it!

Sir! What do we do?

POWERING UP WHINE

HE SCREAMS

Oh, sod this for a game of soldiers.

HE HISSES

-HE HISSES

-Friday?

Doctor, we must work together.

Rise, my Ice Warriors!

Rise!

SHOUTING, WEAPONS FIRE

-Whoa, whoa, whoa! Where are you going?

-I'm sorry, Doctor.

Blue funk. Can't help it.

I can't do it! I'm sorry!

-I need a distraction.

-You got one.

-Good luck!

Oi, Queenie!

Let's talk!

Woman-to-woman!

-You valued my opinion before.

-Perhaps.

But this is war.

Why? Why does it have to be war?

Your Majesty, she's right.

You have forged a new alliance, I see.

We can stand together.

It's too late.

Mars stands alone!

We are strong.

Soon, all my warriors will wake.

We do not require assistance!

POWERING UP WHINE

Your Majesty!

Oh, Your Majesty!

I wouldn't do that if I were you.

MACHINERY CLANKS

Stand down. Or I'll fire.

Fire at what?

Well, geography was never my strong suit,

but aren't we underneath Mars's north pole?

Over our heads, millions of tonnes of snow and ice.

One good blast from the Gargantua here

and your army would be on ice forever.

Trapped in an eternal winter

like...

..like Frozen!

It's a movie.

You would destroy yourself at the same time!

That's a price worth paying, isn't it?

It's a simple choice, Iraxxa, the oldest one in the book.

We must live together.

Or die together.

SHE HISSES

You dare to touch me?

Yes, my dear. I do.

Don't do this, Captain! Don't mess this up.

No choice, old boy.

You see, I suddenly remembered I need a bit of a hand

getting that ruddy ship off the ground.

And who better to ask than the Ice Queen herself?

Call off your dogs, Your Majesty. Call them off!

SHE HISSES, WEAPONS POWER DOWN

That's better.

Course, I will have to dynamite the lifts to stop you following, but...

-Well, war is hell, what?

-HE CHUCKLES

If you want to escape, I can help.

Just leave Iraxxa with her people. Don't mess this up.

Thank you, Doctor.

But, um...

I think I prefer my plan.

Gentlemen!

It's been a privilege - however brief - to command you.

But all good things come to an end.

I think you'll find, Captain...

-..that I am in command here.

-GUNSHOT

HE GASPS

You sacrificed one of your own without tactical advantage...?

No, I didn't sacrifice him. I executed him.

Do you now expect your life to be spared?

No, no, no! I expect it to be taken.

And I give it willingly.

-No. No, wait, stop this! Doctor, stop him!

-Shh!

Some time ago, I was hanged for cowardice.

The execution took longer than expected

and I fear I have not used my time well.

I should be happy for you to complete the work

they failed to do so long ago.

It will be a pleasure.

-No, please, don't do this.

-Bill, quiet!

-WEAPON POWERS UP

-He saved your life!

Your Majesty, I have a request, if that may be permitted.

Speak!

That man was not one of us.

Please, do not judge mankind by his cruelty or indeed by my cowardice.

Spare my friends and my world.

Your request does you credit, soldier.

It will be considered.

POWERING UP WHINE

God save the Queen.

ALL: God save the Queen!

You will die with honour, with bravery,

and in the service of those you have sworn to protect...

Thank you. You don't know what that means. Thank you...

..but not today.

In battle, soldier.

To die in battle is the way of the warrior.

Pledge your allegiance to me and my world,

and I will ensure you have the opportunity.

My life and my service are yours.

To the end.

To the death, my friend,

to the death.

-You knew that would happen.

-Always been my problem.

What?

Thinking like a warrior.

SCRAPING CLANK

TRILLING AND HUMMING

There we are. I've sent out a sort of round-robin e-mail.

All being well, the first intelligent, space-going system

will be in touch fairly soon.

-IRAXXA:

-Thank you, Doctor.

Mars is dead, but the Ice Warriors will live on.

-Will they make it?

-Oh, yes.

In fact, this might be the beginning of the Martian Golden Age.

-WOMAN:

-'Are you receiving us? Mars, are you receiving?'

This is Iraxxa, Queen Empress of Mars.

'Ah, excellent! We have received details of your situation.

'We would be happy to send a fleet to your aid at once.

'A physical marker of some sort

-'would be appreciated to guide our ships.'

-To whom am I speaking?

'This is Alpha Centauri.

'Welcome to the universe!'

THEY GRUNT

Big enough?

For the ship to see?

I think so.

You going to be OK?

Well, that's twice I've been executed.

Whatever happens now, it's got to be better than I expected.

There's nothing for me back on Earth.

And to help forge a new world, well, that will be my privilege.

HE SIGHS

It seems a shame, though...

What does?

Well, no-one back on Earth will ever know that we got here.

All will be forgotten.

Oh, not quite forgotten, Colonel.

You've changed the mind-set of a very stubborn Martian monarch.

And one day, even though the ice cap may obscure it...

..someone's going to notice THAT.

VWORP

DEEP THUD

So, what did I miss?

Where have you been?!

Yeah, before you go getting all frowny, er...

Well, er...

Are you all right?

This can't happen.

This is not what we agreed to.

I'm going to have to put you back in the Vault. You know that.

Sure, that's fine.

What?

But, Doctor. Please tell me, really.

Are you all right?

The Ninth Legion and the Keeper Of The Gate.

-They disappeared.

-Except they didn't.

Where is my friend and what destroyed the Roman army?

Something here managed to wipe out 5,000 Romans.

SHE SCREAMS

SCREECHING

Every hour of sunlight that feeds it,

makes the world darker and the beast stronger.