Smith and Jones Doctor Who


Smith and Jones

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RAP: What can happen on the average beautiful day?

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You never know

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Celebrate seasonal changes...

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MOBILE RINGS

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You're up early! What's happening?

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It's a nightmare, cos Dad won't listen, Mum is going mental.

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Martha, this is epic. You've gotta stop him.

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-How do I do that?

-Tell Dad he can't bring her.

-PHONE BEEPS

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That's Leo, I'll call you back.

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Martha, if Mum and Dad kick off, tell 'em I don't even want a party.

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I didn't ask for one. They can always give me the money instead.

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Why do I have to tell them? Hold on, that's Mum.

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I'll call you back.

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I don't mind your father making a fool of himself in private,

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but this is Leo's 21st - everyone is going to be there,

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and the entire family will look ridiculous.

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Mum, it's a party! I can't stop Dad from bringing his girlfriend.

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-Hold on, that's Dad. I'll call you back.

-Ohh!

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Martha? Now, tell your mother. Leo is my son,

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AND I'm paying for half that party.

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I'm entitled to bring who I like.

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What will it look like for Mum if you're there with Annalise?

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What's wrong with Annalise?

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Is that Martha? Say hi!

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-Hi, Martha! Hiii!

-Hiii, Annalise...

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Big kiss! Lots of love! See you at the party, babes!

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Now take me shopping, big boy.

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Like so! You see?

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Oi! Watch it, mate!

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I was all right till this morning and then, I don't know,

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I woke up and I felt all dizzy again.

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It was worse than when I came in.

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Pulse is slightly thready.

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Well, let's see what Britain's finest might suggest.

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Any ideas, Morgenstern?

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Er, dizziness could be a sign of early-onset diabetes.

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Hardly early onset, if you'll forgive me, Miss Finnegan. Any more ideas? Swales?

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Erm, could recommend a CT scan.

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And spend all our money? Jones?

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We could take bloods and check for Meniere's disease.

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Or we could just ask the patient.

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What did you have for dinner last night?

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-I had salad.

-And the night before?

-Salad again.

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And salad every night for the past week, contrary to my instructions.

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Salt deficiency, that's all. Simple, honest salt.

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Hippocrates himself expounded on the virtues of salt.

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Recommended the inhalation of steam from sea water.

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Though no doubt, if he'd been afflicted with my students,

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his oaths might have been rather more colourful.

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Now then, Mr Smith, good morning to you. How are you today?

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Oh, not so bad. Still a bit, y'know, bleuch.

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John Smith, admitted yesterday with severe abdominal pains. Jones?

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Why don't you see what you can find? Amaze me.

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-Well, it wasn't very clever running round outside, was it?

-Sorry?

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-On Chancellor Street? You came up to me and took your tie off.

-Really?

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What did I do that for?

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-I don't know. You just did.

-Not me. I was here in bed. Ask the nurses.

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That's weird, cos it looked like you. Have you got a brother?

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No, not any more. Just me.

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As time passes and I grow ever more infirm and weary, Miss Jones?

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Sorry.

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Right...

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HEART BEATS

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HEART BEATS

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I weep for future generations.

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Are you having trouble locating the heart?

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Erm, I don't know.

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-Stomach cramps?

-That is a symptom, not a diagnosis.

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And you rather failed basic techniques by not consulting first with the patient's chart.

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-That happened to me this morning.

-I had the same thing.

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-And me, in the lift.

-Well, it's only to be expected.

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There's a thunderstorm moving in, and lightning

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is a form of static electricity, as was first proven by...

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-Anyone?

-Benjamin Franklin.

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Correct.

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My mate Ben! That was a day. I got rope burns off that kite. And I got soaked.

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-Quite.

-And then I got electrocuted!

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Moving on... I think perhaps a visit from Psychiatric.

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And next we have Mr...

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No, listen, I've worked out a plan.

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We tell Annalise that the buffet tonight is 100% carbohydrate

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and she won't turn up!

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Take this seriously. That's our inheritance she's spending. On fake tan!

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I'm not far away, let's meet up.

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We can draw up a battle plan.

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-In this weather? I'm not going out. It's pouring.

-It's not raining here.

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God, that's weird.

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-It's raining right on top of you. I can see it, but it's dry where I am.

-Well, you just got lucky.

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It's like in cartoons, when a man's got a cloud over him.

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I'll tell you what we'll do.

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We tell Dad and Annalise to get there early, about 7:30,

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and we tell Leo to get there at the same time to do that birthday stuff.

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We tell Mum to get there for about 8:30, 9,

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then that gives me time to have a word with Annalise, and... What?

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-The rain.

-It's only rain.

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Martha, have you seen the rain?

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Why's everyone fussing about rain?

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-It's going up.

-The rain is going up.

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THUNDER CLAPS, GLASS SMASHES

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-What the hell was that?

-Are you all right?

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I think so, yeah.

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-It felt like an earthquake, or...?

-Martha!

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It's night.

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But it was lunchtime.

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-It's not night.

-But it's got to be.

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It's dark.

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We're on the moon.

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-Can't be!

-We're on the moon.

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We're on the bloody moon!

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THEY ALL SCREAM

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-I'm sorry, miss, no.

-My God.

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Martha? Martha, can you hear me?

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Martha?

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Somebody help me!

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-Have you seen Mr Stoker?

-I'm sorry, I can't.

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All right, now, everyone, back to bed. We've got an emergency, but we'll sort it out, don't worry.

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It's real. It's really real!

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-Hold on.

-Don't! We'll lose all the air!

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They're not airtight. If the air was gonna get sucked out, it would have done. But it didn't, so how come?

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Very good point! Brilliant, in fact. What was your name?

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-Martha.

-And it was Jones, wasn't it?

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Well, Martha Jones, question is, how are we breathing?

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-We can't be!

-We are, don't waste my time.

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Martha, is there a balcony on this floor, or a veranda, or...?

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-By the patients' lounge, yeah.

-Do you fancy going out?

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-OK.

-We might die.

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We might not.

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Good! Come on.

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Not her, she'd hold us up.

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We've got air!

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How does that work?

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Just be glad it does.

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I've got a party tonight.

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It's my brother's 21st.

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My mother's gonna be really...

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-really...

-You OK?

-Yeah.

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-Sure?

-Yeah.

-D'you want to go back in?

-No way.

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We could die any minute, but all the same...

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It's beautiful.

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-D'you think?

-How many people want to go to the moon?

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And here we are.

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Standing in the Earthlight.

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What do you think happened?

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-What do you think?

-Extraterrestrial.

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It's got to be. I dunno, a few years ago

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that would've sounded mad, but these days...

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That spaceship flying into Big Ben.

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Christmas. Those Cybermen things.

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I had a cousin.

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Adeola.

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She worked at Canary Wharf.

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She never came home.

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I'm sorry.

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Yeah.

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I was there,

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in the battle. They were...

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I promise you, Mr Smith, we will find a way out.

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If we can travel to the moon, we can travel back.

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-There must be a way.

-It's not Smith.

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-That's not my real name.

-Who are you, then?

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I'm the Doctor.

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Me too, if I ever pass my exams.

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What is it, then - Dr Smith?

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-Just the Doctor.

-How do you mean, "Just the Doctor"?

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-Just the Doctor.

-What, people call you "the Doctor"?

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-Yeah.

-Well, I'm not.

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Far as I'm concerned, you've got to earn that title.

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I'd better make a start, then. Let's have a look,

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there must be some sort of...

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..forcefield keeping the air in.

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But if that's like a bubble, sealing us in, that means this is the only air we've got.

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-What happens when it runs out?

-How many people here?

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Dunno, a thousand?

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One thousand people suffocating.

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-Why would anyone do that?

-ENGINES ROAR

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Heads up! Ask 'em yourself.

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Aliens.

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That's aliens. Real, proper aliens.

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Judoon.

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Mr Stoker?

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I'm sorry, I didn't know who else to ask. But can you help me?

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I think we've gone beyond aspirin, Miss, er...?

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-Finnegan.

-Names!

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What are names now, when something unnameable is marching towards us?

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Two more years, I thought, two more years, and then retire to Florida.

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But there is Florida, in the sky.

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I can see it! My daughter -

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she's still in university.

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I am never going to see her again.

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But I need help, Mr Stoker.

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-I can't do anything!

-Oh, I think you can.

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What do you two want? It's a bit late to sign for anything.

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These are my lovely boys.

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I prefer not to get my hands dirty.

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-I'm sorry?

-You see, there are great tests to come,

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and terrible deeds, some of them my own.

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But if I'm to survive this, I need you.

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-What are you talking about?

-Blood.

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Specifically, yours.

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What are you doing?

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What are you doing? Let go of me! What the hell? Let go!

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You see, I was only salt-deficient because I'm so very good at absorbing it.

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But now I need fire in my veins.

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And who better than a consultant, with blood full

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of salty fats and vintage wines and all those Michelin-star sauces?

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-Who are you?

-Oh, I'm a survivor, Mr Stoker.

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At any cost. Look!

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I've even brought a straw.

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THEY MUTTER IN ALARM

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Bo! Sco! Fo! Do!

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No! Kro! Blo! Co! Sho! Ro!

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Erm, we are citizens of planet Earth.

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We welcome you in peace.

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IT GRUNTS

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P-Please don't hurt me.

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I was just trying to help. I'm sorry. Don't hurt me, please don't hurt me.

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ON DEVICE: 'P-Please don't hurt me. I was just trying to help.

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-'I'm sorry. Don't hurt me.'

-Language assimilated.

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Designation: Earth English.

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You will be catalogued.

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Category: human.

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Catalogue all suspects.

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Aw, look, you've got a little shop! I like a little shop.

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Never mind that! What are Judoon?

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They're like police. Well...

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Police for hire. More like interplanetary thugs.

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-And they brought us to the moon?

-Neutral territory.

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According to Galactic Law, they've got no jurisdiction over the Earth.

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That rain and lightning? That was them using an H2O Scoop.

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What are you on about, "Galactic Law"? Where d'you get that from?

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-Human.

-If they're police, are we under arrest?

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-Are we trespassing on the moon?

-No, but I like that! Good thinking.

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No, wish it were that simple. They're making a catalogue.

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-That means they're after something non-human, which is bad news for me.

-Why?

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Oh, you're kidding me.

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Don't be ridiculous.

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-Stop looking at me like that.

-Come on, then.

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Troop Five, floor one! Troop Six, floor two!

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Identify humans and find the transgressor! Find it!

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-Prepare to be catalogued!

-Do what they say! All they do is shine this light thing.

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They're not going to hurt us. Listen to them.

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Witness the crime.

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Charge: physical assault.

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Plea: guilty. Sentence: execution.

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You didn't have to do that.

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Justice is swift.

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They've reached the third floor.

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-What's that thing?

-Sonic screwdriver.

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Well, if you won't answer properly...

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No, really, it is! It's a screwdriver. And it's sonic. Look.

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What else have you got? A laser spanner?

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No, it was stolen by Emily Pankhurst, cheeky woman.

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What's wrong with this computer?!

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Judoon must have locked it down.

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Judoon platoon upon the moon.

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I was just travelling past, I swear. I wasn't looking for trouble.

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I noticed these plasma coils around the hospital.

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It's been building up for two days now.

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So I thought something was going on inside.

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Turns out it was the Judoon up above.

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-What are they looking for?

-Something that looks human but isn't.

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-Like you. Apparently.

-Like me.

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-But not me.

-Haven't they got a photo?

-Might be a shape-changer.

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Whatever it is, can't you just leave the Judoon to find it?

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If they find the hospital guilty of harbouring a fugitive, they'll execute it.

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-All of us?

-Oh, yes. But if I can find this thing first...

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Oh! See?! They're thick! Judoon are thick.

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So thick, they've wiped the records!

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-Oh, that's clever.

-What are we looking for?

-Don't know.

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Say, any patient admitted with unusual symptoms. Maybe there's a backup...

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Just keep working. I'll go and ask Mr Stoker. He might know.

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Mr Stoker?

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Kill her!

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-I've restored the backup.

-I found her!

-You did what?

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Run!

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When I say "Now," press the button.

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-But I don't know which one!

-Then find out!

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NOW!

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What did you do?

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Increased the radiation by 5,000%. Killed him dead.

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-But isn't that gonna kill you?

-Nah, it's only Rontgen radiation.

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We used to play with Rontgen bricks.

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It's safe for you to come out. I've absorbed it all.

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All I need to do is expel it.

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If I concentrate,

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shift the radiation out of my body and into one spot -

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say, my left shoe.

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Here we go. Here we go. Easy does it!

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Out, out, out, out,

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out, out out, ow, ah, itches, itches, itches, itches!

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-Done!

-You're completely mad.

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You're right. I look daft with one shoe.

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Barefoot on the moon!

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What is that thing?

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-Where's it from, the Planet Zovirax?

-Just a Slab.

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They're called Slabs.

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Basic slave drones, you see. Solid leather all the way through.

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Someone has got one hell of a fetish.

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But it was that woman, Miss Finnegan.

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It was working for her, just like a servant.

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-My sonic screwdriver!

-She was a patient...

-Burnt out my sonic screwdriver!

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She had this straw, like some sort of vampire.

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-I love my sonic screwdriver!

-Doctor!

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Sorry.

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-You called me Doctor.

-Anyway!

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Miss Finnegan is the alien.

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She was drinking Mr Stoker's blood.

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Funny time to take a snack. You'd think she'd be hiding.

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Unless... No?

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Yes! That's it! Wait a minute.

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YES! Internal shape-changer!

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She wasn't drinking blood, she was assimilating it.

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Prepare to be catalogued!

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Human.

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If she can assimilate Mr Stoker's blood, mimic the biology, she'll register as human!

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We've got to find her and show the Judoon. Come on!

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Human.

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That's the thing about Slabs - they always travel in pairs.

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-What about you?

-What about me what?

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Well, haven't you got backup? You must have a partner or something.

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Humans! We're on the moon, with Judoon and a bloodsucking criminal, and you ask personal questions?!

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I like that - "Humans"(!) I'm still not convinced you're an alien.

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Non-human!

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-Oh, my God, you really are!

-And again.

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They've done this floor.

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Come on.

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The Judoon are logical and just a little bit thick.

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They won't check a floor they've checked already. If we're lucky.

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How much oxygen is there?

0:25:510:25:52

Not enough for all these people.

0:25:520:25:54

-We're gonna run out.

-How you feeling? You all right?

0:25:540:25:58

Running on adrenaline.

0:25:580:26:00

-Welcome to my world.

-What about the Judoon?

0:26:000:26:02

Big lung reserves. Won't slow them down. Where's Mr Stoker's office?

0:26:020:26:06

It's this way.

0:26:060:26:07

She's gone!

0:26:150:26:17

She was here.

0:26:170:26:19

Drained him dry.

0:26:210:26:22

Every last drop. I was right, she's a Plasmavore.

0:26:220:26:25

Then what's she doing on Earth?

0:26:250:26:27

Hiding. On the run,

0:26:270:26:30

like Ronald Biggs in Rio de Janeiro.

0:26:300:26:31

What's she doing now? She's still not safe.

0:26:310:26:34

-The Judoon could execute us all. Come on.

-Wait a minute.

0:26:340:26:37

Think, think, think. If I was a wanted Plasmavore surrounded by police, what would I do?

0:26:470:26:52

Ohh...

0:26:520:26:54

She's as clever as me.

0:26:540:26:56

Almost.

0:26:560:26:58

Find the non-human! Execute!

0:26:580:27:01

Stay here. You've got to hold them up.

0:27:010:27:03

-How do I do that?

-Just... Forgive me.

0:27:030:27:05

It could save a thousand lives. It means nothing. Honestly.

0:27:050:27:08

That was nothing?

0:27:160:27:19

Have you seen?!

0:27:430:27:45

There are these things, these great big space rhino things.

0:27:450:27:49

I mean, rhinos from space?! And we're on the moon!

0:27:490:27:52

Great big space rhinos with guns on the moon!

0:27:520:27:55

I only came in for my bunions! Look! All fixed now. Good treatment. The nurses were lovely.

0:27:550:27:59

I'd recommend this place to anyone, but then we end up on the moon!

0:27:590:28:04

-Did I mention the rhinos?!

-Hold him.

0:28:040:28:07

Find the non-human! Execute!

0:28:100:28:13

Now listen. I know who you're looking for.

0:28:190:28:22

She's this woman. She calls herself Florence.

0:28:220:28:26

Human. Wait! Non-human trace suspected!

0:28:260:28:29

Non-human element confirmed!

0:28:290:28:31

Authorise full scan!

0:28:310:28:34

What are you? What are you?

0:28:360:28:40

Um, that big, erm, machine thing - is it supposed to be making that noise?

0:28:400:28:44

-You wouldn't understand.

-But isn't that a magnetic resonance imaging thing?

0:28:440:28:49

Like a ginormous sort of a magnet? I did Magnetics GCSE.

0:28:490:28:52

Well, I failed, but all the same...

0:28:520:28:54

A magnet with its setting now increased to 50,000 tesla.

0:28:540:28:58

Ooh, that's a bit strong. Isn't it?

0:28:580:29:00

It'll send out a magnetic pulse that'll fry the brain stems

0:29:000:29:04

of every living thing within 250,000 miles.

0:29:040:29:07

Except for me. Safe in this room.

0:29:070:29:11

But hold on, hold on. I did Geography GCSE. I passed that one.

0:29:110:29:14

-Doesn't that distance include the Earth?

-Only the side facing the moon.

0:29:140:29:18

The other half will survive. Call it my gift.

0:29:180:29:21

Sorry, I'm a little bit out of my depth.

0:29:210:29:23

I've spent 15 years working as a postman. Hence the bunion. Why would you do that?

0:29:230:29:27

With everyone dead, the Judoon ships will be mine to make my escape.

0:29:270:29:31

That's weird. You talk like you're some sort of an alien.

0:29:310:29:34

Quite so.

0:29:340:29:36

-No?!

-Oh, yes.

-You're joshing me.

0:29:360:29:38

-I am not.

-I'm talking to an alien?

0:29:380:29:41

In hospital?

0:29:410:29:43

-Has it got an ET department?

-It's a perfect hiding place.

0:29:430:29:46

Blood banks downstairs for a midnight feast.

0:29:460:29:48

And all this equipment, ready to arm myself with, should the police come looking.

0:29:480:29:53

So those rhinos are looking for you!

0:29:530:29:55

Yes. But I'm hidden.

0:29:550:29:59

Oh, right.

0:29:590:30:02

-Maybe that's why they're increasing their scans.

-What?

0:30:020:30:06

Big Chief Rhino boy, he said, no sign of a non-human, we must increase our scans up to setting two?

0:30:060:30:11

I must assimilate again.

0:30:110:30:13

-What does that mean?

-I must appear to be human.

0:30:130:30:16

You're welcome to come home and meet the wife, she'd be honoured.

0:30:160:30:19

-We can have cake!

-Why should I have cake?

0:30:190:30:22

I've got my little straw.

0:30:220:30:24

That's nice. Milkshake? I like banana.

0:30:240:30:28

You're quite the funny man.

0:30:280:30:29

And yet, I think, laughing on purpose.

0:30:290:30:32

At the darkness.

0:30:320:30:34

I think it's time you found some peace. Steady him!

0:30:340:30:37

What are you doing?

0:30:400:30:42

I'm afraid this is going to hurt.

0:30:420:30:45

But if it's any consolation, the dead don't tend to remember.

0:30:450:30:49

Confirm human.

0:30:510:30:53

Traces of facial contact with non-human.

0:30:530:30:56

Continue the search!

0:30:560:30:58

-You will need this.

-What's that for?

0:30:580:31:00

Compensation.

0:31:000:31:02

Now see what you've done! This poor man just died of fright.

0:31:190:31:22

Scan him!

0:31:220:31:24

Confirmation, deceased.

0:31:280:31:30

No, he can't be. Let me through, let me see him.

0:31:300:31:33

-Stop. Case closed.

-But it was her!

0:31:330:31:35

She killed him, she did it, she murdered him.

0:31:350:31:39

Judoon have no authority over human crime.

0:31:390:31:42

-But she's not human!

-Oh, but I am, I've been catalogued.

0:31:420:31:46

But she's not, she assim...

0:31:460:31:47

Wait a minute.

0:31:470:31:49

You drank his blood? The Doctor's blood!

0:31:490:31:53

-Oh, I don't mind, scan all you like.

-Non-human!

0:31:550:31:59

-What?

-Confirm analysis.

0:31:590:32:02

Oh, but that's a mistake, surely.

0:32:020:32:05

I'm human, I'm as human as they come.

0:32:050:32:08

He gave his life so they'd find you.

0:32:080:32:10

Confirm, Plasmavore!

0:32:100:32:12

Charged with the crime of murdering the Child Princess of Padrivole Regency Nine.

0:32:120:32:17

Well, she deserved it!

0:32:170:32:18

Those pink cheeks and those blonde curls, and that simpering voice,

0:32:180:32:23

she was begging for the bite of a Plasmavore!

0:32:230:32:26

-Then you confess?

-Confess? I'm proud of it!

0:32:260:32:29

Slab, stop them!

0:32:290:32:31

Verdict: guilty. Sentence: execution!

0:32:370:32:40

Enjoy your victory, Judoon. Cos you're going to burn with me!

0:32:430:32:48

Burn in hell!

0:32:480:32:50

Case closed.

0:32:570:32:59

But what did she mean, burn with me?

0:32:590:33:01

The scanner shouldn't do that, she's done something.

0:33:010:33:03

Scans detect lethal acceleration of mono-magnetic pulse.

0:33:070:33:12

Well, do something, stop it!

0:33:120:33:15

Our jurisdiction has ended.

0:33:150:33:17

Judoon will evacuate.

0:33:170:33:19

You can't just leave it! What's it gonna do?

0:33:190:33:21

All units withdraw!

0:33:210:33:25

What about the air? We're running out of air.

0:33:370:33:40

You can't go! That thing's gonna explode, and it's your fault!

0:33:510:33:55

One, two, three, four, five.

0:34:030:34:07

One, two, three, four, five...

0:34:070:34:10

Two hearts!

0:34:110:34:13

One, two, three, four, five... One, two, three, four, five...

0:34:130:34:21

The scanner,

0:34:350:34:37

she did something.

0:34:370:34:40

The sonic!

0:35:120:35:14

Come on, come on,

0:36:080:36:10

come on, come on, please.

0:36:100:36:12

Come on, Judoon, reverse it.

0:36:120:36:14

It's raining, Martha. It's raining on the moon.

0:36:160:36:20

THUNDER CLAPS

0:36:200:36:22

..I represented the human race.

0:36:420:36:45

-I told them, "You can't do that," I said...

-Martha!

0:36:450:36:49

Oh, my God, I thought you were dead, what happened?

0:36:490:36:53

It was so weird!

0:36:530:36:54

The police didn't have a clue, and I tried phoning. Mum's on her way.

0:36:540:36:58

But they've closed off all the roads.

0:36:580:37:00

There's thousands of people trying to get in.

0:37:000:37:03

Dad phoned. It's on the news and everything, he was crying.

0:37:030:37:06

Oh, my God, I've been a mess, but what happened?

0:37:060:37:09

I mean, what really happened, where were you?

0:37:090:37:12

'Eyewitness reports from the Royal Hope Hospital are pouring in,

0:37:120:37:16

'and all seem to be remarkably consistent.

0:37:160:37:18

'This from medical student Oliver Morgenstern.

0:37:180:37:22

'I was there, I saw it happen and I feel uniquely privileged.

0:37:220:37:28

'I looked out at the surface of the moon.

0:37:280:37:30

'I saw the Earth suspended in space,

0:37:300:37:33

'and it all just proves Mr Saxon right.

0:37:330:37:36

'We're not alone in the Universe.

0:37:360:37:38

'There's life out there. Wild and extraordinary life.'

0:37:380:37:42

I am not staying in there to be insulted!

0:37:420:37:45

She didn't mean it, she just said you look healthy.

0:37:450:37:48

-No, I said orange!

-Clive, she is disrespecting me! She's never liked me!

0:37:480:37:52

Oh, can't think why, after you stole my husband!

0:37:520:37:55

I was seduced! Tell her, babes!

0:37:550:37:58

And then she has a go at Martha, accused her of making it all up.

0:37:580:38:02

Mum, I don't mind, just leave it.

0:38:020:38:03

Oh! "I've been to the Moon!"

0:38:030:38:05

As if. They were drugged, it said so on the news!

0:38:050:38:08

Since when did you watch the news? You can't handle Quizmania!

0:38:080:38:12

Annalise started it, she did, I heard her.

0:38:120:38:14

-Tish, don't make it worse.

-Leo, what did she buy you? Soap!

0:38:140:38:18

-A 75 pence soap!

-I'm never talking to your family again.

0:38:180:38:22

Annalise, don't you dare! I'm putting my foot down!

0:38:220:38:25

Make a fool of yourself.

0:38:250:38:27

God knows, you've been doing it for the last 25 years, why stop now?

0:38:270:38:30

Oh, Mum, don't! I asked the DJ and he's playing that song later,

0:38:300:38:34

he's playing Popcorn...

0:38:340:38:36

I went to the moon today.

0:39:090:39:11

Bit more peaceful than down here.

0:39:110:39:14

-You never even told me who you are.

-The Doctor.

0:39:140:39:18

But what sort of species? It's not every day I get to ask that.

0:39:180:39:22

-I'm a Time Lord.

-Right.

0:39:220:39:25

Not pompous at all, then.

0:39:250:39:28

I just thought, since you saved my life,

0:39:280:39:30

and I've got a brand new sonic screwdriver which needs road-testing,

0:39:300:39:34

you might fancy a trip.

0:39:340:39:37

-What, into space?

-Well...

0:39:370:39:40

I can't, I've got exams.

0:39:400:39:41

I've got things to do, I've got to go and pay the rent. I've got my family going mad.

0:39:410:39:45

If it helps,

0:39:450:39:48

-I can travel in time as well.

-Get out of here.

-I can!

0:39:480:39:52

-Come on, that is going too far.

-I'll prove it.

0:39:520:39:54

-Told you!

-No, but,

0:40:200:40:23

that was this morning, but... Did you?

0:40:230:40:27

Oh, my God! You can travel in time.

0:40:270:40:30

But if you could see me this morning, why didn't you tell me not to go into work?

0:40:300:40:34

Crossing into established events is strictly forbidden.

0:40:340:40:38

Except for cheap tricks.

0:40:380:40:39

And that's your spaceship?

0:40:390:40:41

It's called the TARDIS.

0:40:410:40:44

Time And Relative Dimension In Space.

0:40:440:40:47

Your spaceship's made of wood.

0:40:470:40:49

But there's not much room, we'd be a bit intimate.

0:40:490:40:53

Take a look.

0:40:540:40:56

No, no, no.

0:41:030:41:06

But it's just a box.

0:41:070:41:10

But it's huge! How does it do that?

0:41:100:41:13

It's wood!

0:41:130:41:15

It's like a box with that room just crammed in!

0:41:150:41:19

-It's bigger on the inside!

-Is it? I hadn't noticed.

0:41:210:41:24

Right then, let's get going.

0:41:260:41:28

But is there a crew?

0:41:280:41:30

Like, a navigator and stuff, where is everyone?

0:41:300:41:33

Just me.

0:41:330:41:35

All on your own?

0:41:350:41:37

Well, sometimes I have guests.

0:41:370:41:39

I mean, friends, travelling with me.

0:41:390:41:41

I had... There was recently a friend of mine.

0:41:410:41:45

Rose, her name was Rose.

0:41:450:41:47

And we were together. Anyway.

0:41:480:41:52

-Where is she now?

-With her family. Happy! She's fine.

0:41:520:41:55

Not that you're replacing her!

0:41:550:41:57

-Never said I was.

-Just one trip.

0:41:570:41:59

To say thanks, you get one trip, then back home. I'd rather be on my own.

0:41:590:42:04

Well, you're the one that kissed me.

0:42:060:42:09

That was a genetic transfer!

0:42:090:42:13

And if you will wear a tight suit.

0:42:130:42:16

-Now, don't.

-And then travel all the way across the universe

0:42:160:42:19

just to ask me on a date.

0:42:190:42:20

Stop it!

0:42:200:42:23

For the record, I'm not remotely interested.

0:42:230:42:26

I only go for humans.

0:42:260:42:29

Good! Now then,

0:42:290:42:32

close down the gravitic anomalyser.

0:42:320:42:34

Fire up the helmic regulator.

0:42:340:42:36

And finally,

0:42:360:42:38

the handbrake!

0:42:380:42:41

Ready?

0:42:410:42:43

-No!

-Off we go!

0:42:430:42:46

-Blimey, it's a bit bumpy!

-Welcome aboard, Miss Jones.

0:42:490:42:54

It's my pleasure, Mr Smith.

0:42:540:42:56

The Globe Theatre containing the man himself.

0:43:060:43:09

Shut your big fat mouths!

0:43:090:43:12

Mr Shakespeare, isn't it?

0:43:120:43:13

-No autographs.

-Loves Labours Won will never be played.

0:43:130:43:17

Upon this night the work is done.

0:43:170:43:19

Witchcraft.

0:43:190:43:20

-Hey nonny nonny!

-No!

0:43:230:43:26

The entire future of the human race, it ends right now in 1599 if we don't stop it.

0:43:260:43:31

-Ba-da-boom-ba!

-That's quite good.

0:43:310:43:34

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 2007

0:44:110:44:13

E-mail [email protected]

0:44:130:44:15

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