Smith and Jones Doctor Who

RAP: What can happen on the average beautiful day?

You never know

Celebrate seasonal changes...

MOBILE RINGS

You're up early! What's happening?

It's a nightmare, cos Dad won't listen, Mum is going mental.

Martha, this is epic. You've gotta stop him.

-How do I do that?

-Tell Dad he can't bring her.

-PHONE BEEPS

That's Leo, I'll call you back.

Martha, if Mum and Dad kick off, tell 'em I don't even want a party.

I didn't ask for one. They can always give me the money instead.

Why do I have to tell them? Hold on, that's Mum.

I'll call you back.

I don't mind your father making a fool of himself in private,

but this is Leo's 21st - everyone is going to be there,

and the entire family will look ridiculous.

Mum, it's a party! I can't stop Dad from bringing his girlfriend.

-Hold on, that's Dad. I'll call you back.

-Ohh!

Martha? Now, tell your mother. Leo is my son,

AND I'm paying for half that party.

I'm entitled to bring who I like.

What will it look like for Mum if you're there with Annalise?

What's wrong with Annalise?

Is that Martha? Say hi!

-Hi, Martha! Hiii!

-Hiii, Annalise...

Big kiss! Lots of love! See you at the party, babes!

Now take me shopping, big boy.

Like so! You see?

Oi! Watch it, mate!

I was all right till this morning and then, I don't know,

I woke up and I felt all dizzy again.

It was worse than when I came in.

Pulse is slightly thready.

Well, let's see what Britain's finest might suggest.

Any ideas, Morgenstern?

Er, dizziness could be a sign of early-onset diabetes.

Hardly early onset, if you'll forgive me, Miss Finnegan. Any more ideas? Swales?

Erm, could recommend a CT scan.

And spend all our money? Jones?

We could take bloods and check for Meniere's disease.

Or we could just ask the patient.

What did you have for dinner last night?

-I had salad.

-And the night before?

-Salad again.

And salad every night for the past week, contrary to my instructions.

Salt deficiency, that's all. Simple, honest salt.

Hippocrates himself expounded on the virtues of salt.

Recommended the inhalation of steam from sea water.

Though no doubt, if he'd been afflicted with my students,

his oaths might have been rather more colourful.

Now then, Mr Smith, good morning to you. How are you today?

Oh, not so bad. Still a bit, y'know, bleuch.

John Smith, admitted yesterday with severe abdominal pains. Jones?

Why don't you see what you can find? Amaze me.

-Well, it wasn't very clever running round outside, was it?

-Sorry?

-On Chancellor Street? You came up to me and took your tie off.

-Really?

What did I do that for?

-I don't know. You just did.

-Not me. I was here in bed. Ask the nurses.

That's weird, cos it looked like you. Have you got a brother?

No, not any more. Just me.

As time passes and I grow ever more infirm and weary, Miss Jones?

Sorry.

Right...

HEART BEATS

HEART BEATS

I weep for future generations.

Are you having trouble locating the heart?

Erm, I don't know.

-Stomach cramps?

-That is a symptom, not a diagnosis.

And you rather failed basic techniques by not consulting first with the patient's chart.

-That happened to me this morning.

-I had the same thing.

-And me, in the lift.

-Well, it's only to be expected.

There's a thunderstorm moving in, and lightning

is a form of static electricity, as was first proven by...

-Anyone?

-Benjamin Franklin.

Correct.

My mate Ben! That was a day. I got rope burns off that kite. And I got soaked.

-Quite.

-And then I got electrocuted!

Moving on... I think perhaps a visit from Psychiatric.

And next we have Mr...

No, listen, I've worked out a plan.

We tell Annalise that the buffet tonight is 100% carbohydrate

and she won't turn up!

Take this seriously. That's our inheritance she's spending. On fake tan!

I'm not far away, let's meet up.

We can draw up a battle plan.

-In this weather? I'm not going out. It's pouring.

-It's not raining here.

God, that's weird.

-It's raining right on top of you. I can see it, but it's dry where I am.

-Well, you just got lucky.

It's like in cartoons, when a man's got a cloud over him.

I'll tell you what we'll do.

We tell Dad and Annalise to get there early, about 7:30,

and we tell Leo to get there at the same time to do that birthday stuff.

We tell Mum to get there for about 8:30, 9,

then that gives me time to have a word with Annalise, and... What?

-The rain.

-It's only rain.

Martha, have you seen the rain?

Why's everyone fussing about rain?

-It's going up.

-The rain is going up.

THUNDER CLAPS, GLASS SMASHES

-What the hell was that?

-Are you all right?

I think so, yeah.

-It felt like an earthquake, or...?

-Martha!

It's night.

But it was lunchtime.

-It's not night.

-But it's got to be.

It's dark.

We're on the moon.

-Can't be!

-We're on the moon.

We're on the bloody moon!

THEY ALL SCREAM

-I'm sorry, miss, no.

-My God.

Martha? Martha, can you hear me?

Martha?

Somebody help me!

-Have you seen Mr Stoker?

-I'm sorry, I can't.

All right, now, everyone, back to bed. We've got an emergency, but we'll sort it out, don't worry.

It's real. It's really real!

-Hold on.

-Don't! We'll lose all the air!

They're not airtight. If the air was gonna get sucked out, it would have done. But it didn't, so how come?

Very good point! Brilliant, in fact. What was your name?

-Martha.

-And it was Jones, wasn't it?

Well, Martha Jones, question is, how are we breathing?

-We can't be!

-We are, don't waste my time.

Martha, is there a balcony on this floor, or a veranda, or...?

-By the patients' lounge, yeah.

-Do you fancy going out?

-OK.

-We might die.

We might not.

Good! Come on.

Not her, she'd hold us up.

We've got air!

How does that work?

Just be glad it does.

I've got a party tonight.

It's my brother's 21st.

My mother's gonna be really...

-really...

-You OK?

-Yeah.

-Sure?

-Yeah.

-D'you want to go back in?

-No way.

We could die any minute, but all the same...

It's beautiful.

-D'you think?

-How many people want to go to the moon?

And here we are.

Standing in the Earthlight.

What do you think happened?

-What do you think?

-Extraterrestrial.

It's got to be. I dunno, a few years ago

that would've sounded mad, but these days...

That spaceship flying into Big Ben.

Christmas. Those Cybermen things.

I had a cousin.

Adeola.

She worked at Canary Wharf.

She never came home.

I'm sorry.

Yeah.

I was there,

in the battle. They were...

I promise you, Mr Smith, we will find a way out.

If we can travel to the moon, we can travel back.

-There must be a way.

-It's not Smith.

-That's not my real name.

-Who are you, then?

I'm the Doctor.

Me too, if I ever pass my exams.

What is it, then - Dr Smith?

-Just the Doctor.

-How do you mean, "Just the Doctor"?

-Just the Doctor.

-What, people call you "the Doctor"?

-Yeah.

-Well, I'm not.

Far as I'm concerned, you've got to earn that title.

I'd better make a start, then. Let's have a look,

there must be some sort of...

..forcefield keeping the air in.

But if that's like a bubble, sealing us in, that means this is the only air we've got.

-What happens when it runs out?

-How many people here?

Dunno, a thousand?

One thousand people suffocating.

-Why would anyone do that?

-ENGINES ROAR

Heads up! Ask 'em yourself.

Aliens.

That's aliens. Real, proper aliens.

Judoon.

Mr Stoker?

I'm sorry, I didn't know who else to ask. But can you help me?

I think we've gone beyond aspirin, Miss, er...?

-Finnegan.

-Names!

What are names now, when something unnameable is marching towards us?

Two more years, I thought, two more years, and then retire to Florida.

But there is Florida, in the sky.

I can see it! My daughter -

she's still in university.

I am never going to see her again.

But I need help, Mr Stoker.

-I can't do anything!

-Oh, I think you can.

What do you two want? It's a bit late to sign for anything.

These are my lovely boys.

I prefer not to get my hands dirty.

-I'm sorry?

-You see, there are great tests to come,

and terrible deeds, some of them my own.

But if I'm to survive this, I need you.

-What are you talking about?

-Blood.

Specifically, yours.

What are you doing?

What are you doing? Let go of me! What the hell? Let go!

You see, I was only salt-deficient because I'm so very good at absorbing it.

But now I need fire in my veins.

And who better than a consultant, with blood full

of salty fats and vintage wines and all those Michelin-star sauces?

-Who are you?

-Oh, I'm a survivor, Mr Stoker.

At any cost. Look!

I've even brought a straw.

THEY MUTTER IN ALARM

Bo! Sco! Fo! Do!

No! Kro! Blo! Co! Sho! Ro!

Erm, we are citizens of planet Earth.

We welcome you in peace.

IT GRUNTS

P-Please don't hurt me.

I was just trying to help. I'm sorry. Don't hurt me, please don't hurt me.

ON DEVICE: 'P-Please don't hurt me. I was just trying to help.

-'I'm sorry. Don't hurt me.'

-Language assimilated.

Designation: Earth English.

You will be catalogued.

Category: human.

Catalogue all suspects.

Aw, look, you've got a little shop! I like a little shop.

Never mind that! What are Judoon?

They're like police. Well...

Police for hire. More like interplanetary thugs.

-And they brought us to the moon?

-Neutral territory.

According to Galactic Law, they've got no jurisdiction over the Earth.

That rain and lightning? That was them using an H2O Scoop.

What are you on about, "Galactic Law"? Where d'you get that from?

-Human.

-If they're police, are we under arrest?

-Are we trespassing on the moon?

-No, but I like that! Good thinking.

No, wish it were that simple. They're making a catalogue.

-That means they're after something non-human, which is bad news for me.

-Why?

Oh, you're kidding me.

Don't be ridiculous.

-Stop looking at me like that.

-Come on, then.

Troop Five, floor one! Troop Six, floor two!

Identify humans and find the transgressor! Find it!

-Prepare to be catalogued!

-Do what they say! All they do is shine this light thing.

They're not going to hurt us. Listen to them.

Witness the crime.

Charge: physical assault.

Plea: guilty. Sentence: execution.

You didn't have to do that.

Justice is swift.

They've reached the third floor.

-What's that thing?

-Sonic screwdriver.

Well, if you won't answer properly...

No, really, it is! It's a screwdriver. And it's sonic. Look.

What else have you got? A laser spanner?

No, it was stolen by Emily Pankhurst, cheeky woman.

What's wrong with this computer?!

Judoon must have locked it down.

Judoon platoon upon the moon.

I was just travelling past, I swear. I wasn't looking for trouble.

I noticed these plasma coils around the hospital.

It's been building up for two days now.

So I thought something was going on inside.

Turns out it was the Judoon up above.

-What are they looking for?

-Something that looks human but isn't.

-Like you. Apparently.

-Like me.

-But not me.

-Haven't they got a photo?

-Might be a shape-changer.

Whatever it is, can't you just leave the Judoon to find it?

If they find the hospital guilty of harbouring a fugitive, they'll execute it.

-All of us?

-Oh, yes. But if I can find this thing first...

Oh! See?! They're thick! Judoon are thick.

So thick, they've wiped the records!

-Oh, that's clever.

-What are we looking for?

-Don't know.

Say, any patient admitted with unusual symptoms. Maybe there's a backup...

Just keep working. I'll go and ask Mr Stoker. He might know.

Mr Stoker?

Kill her!

-I've restored the backup.

-I found her!

-You did what?

Run!

When I say "Now," press the button.

-But I don't know which one!

-Then find out!

NOW!

What did you do?

Increased the radiation by 5,000%. Killed him dead.

-But isn't that gonna kill you?

-Nah, it's only Rontgen radiation.

We used to play with Rontgen bricks.

It's safe for you to come out. I've absorbed it all.

All I need to do is expel it.

If I concentrate,

shift the radiation out of my body and into one spot -

say, my left shoe.

Here we go. Here we go. Easy does it!

Out, out, out, out,

out, out out, ow, ah, itches, itches, itches, itches!

-Done!

-You're completely mad.

You're right. I look daft with one shoe.

Barefoot on the moon!

What is that thing?

-Where's it from, the Planet Zovirax?

-Just a Slab.

They're called Slabs.

Basic slave drones, you see. Solid leather all the way through.

Someone has got one hell of a fetish.

But it was that woman, Miss Finnegan.

It was working for her, just like a servant.

-My sonic screwdriver!

-She was a patient...

-Burnt out my sonic screwdriver!

She had this straw, like some sort of vampire.

-I love my sonic screwdriver!

-Doctor!

Sorry.

-You called me Doctor.

-Anyway!

Miss Finnegan is the alien.

She was drinking Mr Stoker's blood.

Funny time to take a snack. You'd think she'd be hiding.

Unless... No?

Yes! That's it! Wait a minute.

YES! Internal shape-changer!

She wasn't drinking blood, she was assimilating it.

Prepare to be catalogued!

Human.

If she can assimilate Mr Stoker's blood, mimic the biology, she'll register as human!

We've got to find her and show the Judoon. Come on!

Human.

That's the thing about Slabs - they always travel in pairs.

-What about you?

-What about me what?

Well, haven't you got backup? You must have a partner or something.

Humans! We're on the moon, with Judoon and a bloodsucking criminal, and you ask personal questions?!

I like that - "Humans"(!) I'm still not convinced you're an alien.

Non-human!

-Oh, my God, you really are!

-And again.

They've done this floor.

Come on.

The Judoon are logical and just a little bit thick.

They won't check a floor they've checked already. If we're lucky.

How much oxygen is there?

Not enough for all these people.

-We're gonna run out.

-How you feeling? You all right?

Running on adrenaline.

-Welcome to my world.

-What about the Judoon?

Big lung reserves. Won't slow them down. Where's Mr Stoker's office?

It's this way.

She's gone!

She was here.

Drained him dry.

Every last drop. I was right, she's a Plasmavore.

Then what's she doing on Earth?

Hiding. On the run,

like Ronald Biggs in Rio de Janeiro.

What's she doing now? She's still not safe.

-The Judoon could execute us all. Come on.

-Wait a minute.

Think, think, think. If I was a wanted Plasmavore surrounded by police, what would I do?

Ohh...

She's as clever as me.

Almost.

Find the non-human! Execute!

Stay here. You've got to hold them up.

-How do I do that?

-Just... Forgive me.

It could save a thousand lives. It means nothing. Honestly.

That was nothing?

Have you seen?!

There are these things, these great big space rhino things.

I mean, rhinos from space?! And we're on the moon!

Great big space rhinos with guns on the moon!

I only came in for my bunions! Look! All fixed now. Good treatment. The nurses were lovely.

I'd recommend this place to anyone, but then we end up on the moon!

-Did I mention the rhinos?!

-Hold him.

Find the non-human! Execute!

Now listen. I know who you're looking for.

She's this woman. She calls herself Florence.

Human. Wait! Non-human trace suspected!

Non-human element confirmed!

Authorise full scan!

What are you? What are you?

Um, that big, erm, machine thing - is it supposed to be making that noise?

-You wouldn't understand.

-But isn't that a magnetic resonance imaging thing?

Like a ginormous sort of a magnet? I did Magnetics GCSE.

Well, I failed, but all the same...

A magnet with its setting now increased to 50,000 tesla.

Ooh, that's a bit strong. Isn't it?

It'll send out a magnetic pulse that'll fry the brain stems

of every living thing within 250,000 miles.

Except for me. Safe in this room.

But hold on, hold on. I did Geography GCSE. I passed that one.

-Doesn't that distance include the Earth?

-Only the side facing the moon.

The other half will survive. Call it my gift.

Sorry, I'm a little bit out of my depth.

I've spent 15 years working as a postman. Hence the bunion. Why would you do that?

With everyone dead, the Judoon ships will be mine to make my escape.

That's weird. You talk like you're some sort of an alien.

Quite so.

-No?!

-Oh, yes.

-You're joshing me.

-I am not.

-I'm talking to an alien?

In hospital?

-Has it got an ET department?

-It's a perfect hiding place.

Blood banks downstairs for a midnight feast.

And all this equipment, ready to arm myself with, should the police come looking.

So those rhinos are looking for you!

Yes. But I'm hidden.

Oh, right.

-Maybe that's why they're increasing their scans.

-What?

Big Chief Rhino boy, he said, no sign of a non-human, we must increase our scans up to setting two?

I must assimilate again.

-What does that mean?

-I must appear to be human.

You're welcome to come home and meet the wife, she'd be honoured.

-We can have cake!

-Why should I have cake?

I've got my little straw.

That's nice. Milkshake? I like banana.

You're quite the funny man.

And yet, I think, laughing on purpose.

At the darkness.

I think it's time you found some peace. Steady him!

What are you doing?

I'm afraid this is going to hurt.

But if it's any consolation, the dead don't tend to remember.

Confirm human.

Traces of facial contact with non-human.

Continue the search!

-You will need this.

-What's that for?

Compensation.

Now see what you've done! This poor man just died of fright.

Scan him!

Confirmation, deceased.

No, he can't be. Let me through, let me see him.

-Stop. Case closed.

-But it was her!

She killed him, she did it, she murdered him.

Judoon have no authority over human crime.

-But she's not human!

-Oh, but I am, I've been catalogued.

But she's not, she assim...

Wait a minute.

You drank his blood? The Doctor's blood!

-Oh, I don't mind, scan all you like.

-Non-human!

-What?

-Confirm analysis.

Oh, but that's a mistake, surely.

I'm human, I'm as human as they come.

He gave his life so they'd find you.

Confirm, Plasmavore!

Charged with the crime of murdering the Child Princess of Padrivole Regency Nine.

Well, she deserved it!

Those pink cheeks and those blonde curls, and that simpering voice,

she was begging for the bite of a Plasmavore!

-Then you confess?

-Confess? I'm proud of it!

Slab, stop them!

Verdict: guilty. Sentence: execution!

Enjoy your victory, Judoon. Cos you're going to burn with me!

Burn in hell!

Case closed.

But what did she mean, burn with me?

The scanner shouldn't do that, she's done something.

Scans detect lethal acceleration of mono-magnetic pulse.

Well, do something, stop it!

Our jurisdiction has ended.

Judoon will evacuate.

You can't just leave it! What's it gonna do?

All units withdraw!

What about the air? We're running out of air.

You can't go! That thing's gonna explode, and it's your fault!

One, two, three, four, five.

One, two, three, four, five...

Two hearts!

One, two, three, four, five... One, two, three, four, five...

The scanner,

she did something.

The sonic!

Come on, come on,

come on, come on, please.

Come on, Judoon, reverse it.

It's raining, Martha. It's raining on the moon.

THUNDER CLAPS

..I represented the human race.

-I told them, "You can't do that," I said...

-Martha!

Oh, my God, I thought you were dead, what happened?

It was so weird!

The police didn't have a clue, and I tried phoning. Mum's on her way.

But they've closed off all the roads.

There's thousands of people trying to get in.

Dad phoned. It's on the news and everything, he was crying.

Oh, my God, I've been a mess, but what happened?

I mean, what really happened, where were you?

'Eyewitness reports from the Royal Hope Hospital are pouring in,

'and all seem to be remarkably consistent.

'This from medical student Oliver Morgenstern.

'I was there, I saw it happen and I feel uniquely privileged.

'I looked out at the surface of the moon.

'I saw the Earth suspended in space,

'and it all just proves Mr Saxon right.

'We're not alone in the Universe.

'There's life out there. Wild and extraordinary life.'

I am not staying in there to be insulted!

She didn't mean it, she just said you look healthy.

-No, I said orange!

-Clive, she is disrespecting me! She's never liked me!

Oh, can't think why, after you stole my husband!

I was seduced! Tell her, babes!

And then she has a go at Martha, accused her of making it all up.

Mum, I don't mind, just leave it.

Oh! "I've been to the Moon!"

As if. They were drugged, it said so on the news!

Since when did you watch the news? You can't handle Quizmania!

Annalise started it, she did, I heard her.

-Tish, don't make it worse.

-Leo, what did she buy you? Soap!

-A 75 pence soap!

-I'm never talking to your family again.

Annalise, don't you dare! I'm putting my foot down!

Make a fool of yourself.

God knows, you've been doing it for the last 25 years, why stop now?

Oh, Mum, don't! I asked the DJ and he's playing that song later,

he's playing Popcorn...

I went to the moon today.

Bit more peaceful than down here.

-You never even told me who you are.

-The Doctor.

But what sort of species? It's not every day I get to ask that.

-I'm a Time Lord.

-Right.

Not pompous at all, then.

I just thought, since you saved my life,

and I've got a brand new sonic screwdriver which needs road-testing,

you might fancy a trip.

-What, into space?

-Well...

I can't, I've got exams.

I've got things to do, I've got to go and pay the rent. I've got my family going mad.

If it helps,

-I can travel in time as well.

-Get out of here.

-I can!

-Come on, that is going too far.

-I'll prove it.

-Told you!

-No, but,

that was this morning, but... Did you?

Oh, my God! You can travel in time.

But if you could see me this morning, why didn't you tell me not to go into work?

Crossing into established events is strictly forbidden.

Except for cheap tricks.

And that's your spaceship?

It's called the TARDIS.

Time And Relative Dimension In Space.

Your spaceship's made of wood.

But there's not much room, we'd be a bit intimate.

Take a look.

No, no, no.

But it's just a box.

But it's huge! How does it do that?

It's wood!

It's like a box with that room just crammed in!

-It's bigger on the inside!

-Is it? I hadn't noticed.

Right then, let's get going.

But is there a crew?

Like, a navigator and stuff, where is everyone?

Just me.

All on your own?

Well, sometimes I have guests.

I mean, friends, travelling with me.

I had... There was recently a friend of mine.

Rose, her name was Rose.

And we were together. Anyway.

-Where is she now?

-With her family. Happy! She's fine.

Not that you're replacing her!

-Never said I was.

-Just one trip.

To say thanks, you get one trip, then back home. I'd rather be on my own.

Well, you're the one that kissed me.

That was a genetic transfer!

And if you will wear a tight suit.

-Now, don't.

-And then travel all the way across the universe

just to ask me on a date.

Stop it!

For the record, I'm not remotely interested.

I only go for humans.

Good! Now then,

close down the gravitic anomalyser.

Fire up the helmic regulator.

And finally,

the handbrake!

Ready?

-No!

-Off we go!

-Blimey, it's a bit bumpy!

-Welcome aboard, Miss Jones.

It's my pleasure, Mr Smith.

The Globe Theatre containing the man himself.

Shut your big fat mouths!

Mr Shakespeare, isn't it?

-No autographs.

-Loves Labours Won will never be played.

Upon this night the work is done.

Witchcraft.

-Hey nonny nonny!

-No!

The entire future of the human race, it ends right now in 1599 if we don't stop it.

-Ba-da-boom-ba!

-That's quite good.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 2007

E-mail [email protected]