The Caretaker Doctor Who


The Caretaker

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Transcript


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There's no way out of this. We're going to die here.

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Pass me the vibro-cutters.

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They're in my pocket.

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Come on then, pass them to me.

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In my other jacket. At home.

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Why have you got have two jackets - is one of them faulty?

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Look, I don't have the vibro-cutters. If I had the vibro-cutters,

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I wouldn't be able to pass you the vibro-cutters.

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We're going to starve to death out here.

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Of course we won't starve.

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The sand piranhas will get us long before that.

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Hiya. Sorry I'm late.

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You're not, but you are brown, you're very brown.

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-You weren't that brown this morning.

-Sunbed. I'll get 'em in. Usual?

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Fish people.

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What are they like?

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Fish. And people. Come and see.

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-How's you?

-Evening. Nice frock.

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-It's a bit wet.

-Freak shower.

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Is that seaweed?

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I said freak.

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-How much further?

-TARDIS has got to be round this corner.

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-I hate soldiers. Don't you hate soldiers?

-Yeah.

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Just keep running!

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-Oh, yeah. Danny. Hiya.

-Morning. Ready to run?

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OUT OF BREATH

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I can't keep doing this. I can't do it.

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Yes, I can, I can do it, of course I can do it.

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I've got it all under control.

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So, where we off to?

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Clara, you... You look lovely today. Have you had a wash?

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-Why are you being nice?

-Because it works on you.

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Listen, I'm sorry but there's going to be no trip today.

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I'm sorry. Er, I've got to do a thing. It might take a while.

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-What thing?

-Just a thing.

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You're being mysterious, and do you know what means?

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I'm a man of mystery.

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Hmm. It means that you are a very clever man

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making the mistake, common to very clever people,

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of assuming that everybody else is stupid.

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Where are you going?

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Undercover. Deep cover.

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-Can you do deep cover?

-What do you mean?

-Have you seen you?

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Of course I can do deep cover!

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SHE GIGGLES: Where? The Magic Circle?

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I'll see you when I see you.

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When's that?

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When I see you.

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Hmm...

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Hmm... I'll be sure to have a wash.

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Excellent. I was meaning to bring it up.

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You lot! Not here...over there.

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Morning, Mr Pink.

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Morning, Courtney. And good morning, Miss Oswald.

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Morning, Mr Pink.

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PUPILS GIGGLE

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-Do they know?

-Possibly - they're children.

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It's like they've got minds of their own. Are you OK?

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Yeah, course I'm OK. Why wouldn't I be OK?

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-I dunno. Every time I see you, it's like you're...

-What?

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In a rush. In a state.

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In a space helmet, one time.

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Sorry, er, I've had a...thing

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and, er, the thing's gone so I'm all yours.

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-What thing? What's gone?

-Nothing.

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It's like you're trying to be mysterious.

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I'm not stupid, you know.

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The next few days are all about you. I promise.

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PUPILS GIGGLE

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Which means, Jo, you'll have to cover for 8/4M in L3.

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Hold on, there is just one more thing.

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Atif's off sick, so we've got a newbie,

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I did ask him to come along.

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-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Ah, here he is.

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I'm the new caretaker. John Smith.

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Welcome to Coal Hill, Mr Smith.

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Thanks. Yes, John Smith's the name.

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But, you know, here's a thing, most people just call me the Doctor.

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So, if anybody needs me, just, you know, give me a shout.

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I'll be in the storeroom just getting the lie of the land.

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Yes, no-one's taking any notice at all.

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Absolutely good news because it means I must be coming across

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-just as an absolutely boring human being like you.

-SHE MOUTHS

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Deep cover. Deep cover.

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-Do you know him?

-Know who?

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-The caretaker, Smith. "The Doctor."

-Never seen him before in my life.

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Bit intense looking. Did you see those eyebrows?

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Did he wink at you?

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No, I think that was just a sort of general wink.

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He winked at everybody. It was a general welcoming wink.

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Ah, I have, erm, left some marking.

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Assembly. Chop-chop. Off you pop. Catch you in a bit. Excuse me.

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-So, you recognised me, then.

-You're wearing a different coat.

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-But you saw straight through that.

-Deep cover in my school? Why?

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Where's Atif, what have you done with him?

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He's fine, hypnotised, he thinks he's got the 'flu.

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Also a flying car and three wives. It's going to be a rude awakening.

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Is it aliens? Oh, my God, is that why you're here? Are there aliens?

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-It's assembly, you better get going. Go and worship something.

-Are there aliens in this school?

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Listen, it's lovely talking to you, but I've really got to get on.

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-I'm a caretaker now. Look, I've got a brush.

-Doctor, is there an alien in this school?

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Yes. Me. Now, go.

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The walls need sponging and there's a sinister puddle.

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You can't do this.

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You cannot pass yourself off as a real person among actual people.

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I lived among otters once for a month.

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Well, I sulked. River and I, we had this big fight...

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-Human beings are not otters!

-Exactly, it'll be even easier.

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One question. And you will answer this question.

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Are the kids safe?

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No. Nobody is safe.

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But soon the answer will be yes, everybody is safe,

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if you let me get on. Now...

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pretend you don't know me, stay out of my way.

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The less you know, the better. I'll explain it all later.

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-Go and sing with the otters.

-I hate you.

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That's fine, that's a perfectly normal reaction.

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Basically, you've to get that guy on the block

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and stop that other one shooting him. It's so sick.

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I-I got that guy. That was, like, six months ago.

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-You actually have to flick it that way.

-Nah, but I'm saying...

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You Coal Hill kids?

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-Yes, so what if we are?

-Then get to Coal Hill.

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We've got a free period, mate.

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You want me to take your names?

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Come on.

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This is unfair, mate.

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RATTLING

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Always come in threes.

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Oi! I know you're in there.

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Hello? I'm a police officer.

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There's no point hiding.

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Do you hear me?

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Come on, kiddo.

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Five-stop-intruder. Five-stop-intruder.

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Turn your game off, it's time for school.

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Come on! Stop messing about!

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Problem-solution-DESTROY.

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HE SCREAMS

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..though unheard by Lydia, was caught by Elizabeth,

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and as it assured her that Darcy was...

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-You all right, Miss Oswald?

-Yes, Kelvin, I'm fine, you carry on.

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Every feeling of displeasure against the former was so sharpened...

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Can I help you, Mr Smith?

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-Wrong.

-I'm sorry?

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On the board. Wrong. Wrong.

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Oh, no, no, no, no. You don't do this.

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You are the caretaker, this is not what you do.

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-Just taking care.

-Not your area!

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Jane Austen wrote Pride and Prejudice in 1796.

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SHE CLEARS THROAT This is Mr Smith, the temporary caretaker, and he's a bit confused.

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Not in 1797, because she didn't have the time. She was so busy...

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Oh, I suppose she was your bezzie mate, was she?

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And you went on holidays together

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and then you got kidnapped by Boggons from space

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and then you all formed a band and met Buddy Holly.

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No, I read the book. There's a bio at the back.

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PUPILS GIGGLE Get down.

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-Boggons?

-Go!

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BELL RINGS

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Right, that's it. Well done, Kelvin. Get going.

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See you all in a couple of days. Thanks very much.

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Miss, what about our homework?

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Who asks for homework? Amateur.

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-Miss Oswald...

-Hello, Tobias, can't really stop.

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I'm in the football team against Durrants on Thursday.

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Sorry, but can I go early from English Thursday afternoon?

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Tobias, you can do whatever you want.

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-Clara, can I grab a quick word?

-Actually, I, erm...

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Two weeks Saturday, the fete, can I put you down for tombola

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and the raffle? James H can't cover it now.

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His wife's going into hospital. Hip replacement. Constant agony.

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Great.

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No, awful. That's terrible. Awful. I hope she'll be OK.

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Erm, I'll do anything. Anything. OK. Bye.

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Miss Oswald, Katie Sharps says I pulled her hair in Biology.

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Courtney, you are big enough to look after yourself.

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Next class, jog on, I need to talk to Mr Pink.

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-Ozzie loves the Squaddie.

-What was that?

-Nothing.

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Of course, Danny Pink here is your man, Mr Smith.

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Five years' military experience, sergeant, here and Afghan,

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so electrics, boilers, if you need a hand, give him a shout.

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I-I've helped Atif with a couple of things.

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I'm sure I won't need you, Sergeant. Fully qualified.

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-You best get back to your PE class.

-Oh, I teach maths.

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-Do you? What, in emergencies?

-No. I'm a maths teacher.

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Yeah, he's a maths teacher...

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-GLASS SMASHES

-Mohammed, put that down!

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How does that work? What if the kids have questions?

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-About what?

-Maths.

-I answer them. I'm a maths teacher.

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But he said you were a soldier.

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Yeah. I was a soldier, now I'm a maths teacher.

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But what about all the PE?

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I don't teach PE. I'm not a PE teacher.

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Sorry, that seems very unlikely.

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Er, excuse me. Mr Pink, I think class 9M4 are waiting.

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Yes, you better run along, Sergeant.

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That ball isn't going to kick itself, is it?

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I-I'm not a PE teacher, I'm a maths teacher.

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Nope, sorry, no, I can't retain that.

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I've tried, it's just not going in.

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So...Pink. The name remind you of anything?

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Yeah. The colour.

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Colonel Orson Pink?

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The guy we met at the end of the universe.

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Oh, yeah. OK, same name, doesn't look anything like him though.

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Looks very like him.

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Does he? I don't know. Who remembers a PE teacher?

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Never mind.

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What are you doing? What...? What's in there?

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So...is he here then?

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Is who here?

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The one you keep going on serious dates with.

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If he is, are you going to start talking like a normal human being?

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-I promise I won't. I'm being nice.

-Doctor...?

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-Clara. Got this period free, yes?

-No. Yes.

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-Great. Shakespeare.

-Sorry, what, Adrian?

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Oh...I see.

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-You see what?

-Nothing. Nothing at all.

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Excuse me. We have to talk about The Tempest,

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in light of the changes to the sixth form Shakespeare module, blah-de-blah...

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Yes. Sorry, of course.

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Yes, yes, no, of course, of course, yes.

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Don't mind this old man. You two kids just pop off together.

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Why are you talking like an idiot?

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I'm a caretaker, don't mind me.

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What we have to get across, I feel,

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is that fascinating enigma of its...not-finishedness.

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Mmm, yes, good point, Ade.

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Oh, Clara.

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What does that mean? Kids. What's the matter with kids today?

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Hey, I said you could play chess,

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I did not say you could play football on the chessboard.

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Jack, Morgan, come on, help me out, clear it up.

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HE WHISTLES TO HIMSELF

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And one for luck.

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OK. Now we're in business.

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Let's see the lie of the land. Time to see what's going on.

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Hello?

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Oi.

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What are you doing? Are you in there?

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Mirror, mirror on the wall,

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who's the most dangerous of them all?

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There's been a spillage in Geography, I need some paper towels.

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Can't you read?

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Course I can read. Read what?

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The door. It says, "Keep Out."

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No, it says, "Go Away Humans."

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Oh, so it does.

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Never lose your temper in the middle of a door sign.

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What was you doing in there? What's that box?

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A caretaker's box. Every caretaker has their own box.

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It says, "Police".

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Exactly, there's a policeman in there, in case of emergencies

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and children.

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-Towels, there, g-g-go.

-What was that green glow?

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There was a green glow coming from in there.

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-What was it?

-Of course there was.

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-What's a policeman without a death ray?

-BELL RINGS

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Oh, listen, there's the bell, off you go.

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-Haven't you got shoplifting to do?

-I'm going to tell the Headmaster.

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Oh, yes, well, fine. Cut along, you're running out of time.

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-For what?

-Everything. Human beings have incredibly short life spans.

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Frankly, you should all be in a permanent state of panic.

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-Tick tock, tick tock.

-You're weird.

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Yes, I am. What about you?

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I'm a disruptive influence.

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-Good to meet you.

-And you(!)

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-Now get lost.

-OK.

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Hello, miss, love to the Squaddie.

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Sorry, what did you say?

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What was she doing in here?

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Paper towels. Now, I imagine you've many questions.

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Fire away, I won't answer any of them.

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-What were they like?

-What were who like?

-The others before me.

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Did they let you get away with this kind of thing?

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-This school is in danger.

-Well, it's lucky I'm here then.

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-From you.

-Me?

-You wouldn't be here if there wasn't an alien threat nearby.

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Your strategy for dealing with it involves endangering this school.

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-You don't know that.

-I don't know anything because you haven't told me anything,

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which means I wouldn't approve, which means you are endangering this school.

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What's that?

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It's a scanner. I'm scanning. Why do I keep you around?

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Because the alternative would be developing a conscience of your own. Scanning for what?

0:16:230:16:27

Any alien technology in this vicinity should show up.

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I used to have a teacher exactly like you once.

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You still do. Pay attention.

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What the hell is it?!

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A Skovox Blitzer,

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one of the deadliest killing machines ever created.

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Probably homed in here because of artron emissions.

0:16:440:16:46

You've had enough of them in this area over the years.

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There's enough explosive in its armoury to take out the whole planet.

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Then leave it alone.

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Sooner or later it will creep from its hidey-hole

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and some military idiot will try to attack it.

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The world is full of PE teachers.

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So, your insanely dangerous plan is?

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A new watch. Tiny bit disappointed.

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This is a very special watch.

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Doctor?

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Oi! Did you just flick my nose?

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You're invisible. Oh, my God, that's incredible!

0:17:340:17:37

Correct. I am invisible and I am incredible.

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-It's simply a matter of reversing light waves. Hang on, I'm coming back.

-All right, where are you?

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So, I give the Blitzer a tiny whiff of non-threatening alien tech,

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I lead it back here, but I don't want it to scan me, hence invisible.

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So you're leading the thing here? To a school? My school?

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"MY school"? Oh, that is telling.

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This is the only suitably empty place in the area.

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I've set up a circle of time mines around the school.

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Chronodyne generators. Bit unstable.

0:18:020:18:06

I switch them on, the Blitzer gets sucked into a big old time vortex,

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billions of years into the future. Dead easy. Tiny bit boring.

0:18:090:18:12

-I'll need a book and a sandwich.

-And me. You're not doing this alone.

0:18:120:18:15

I don't need you this time. I'll see you tomorrow.

0:18:150:18:18

We'll go somewhere nice. Ancient Egypt. Crocodilopolis.

0:18:180:18:23

They worship a big crocodile there, so the name is a useful coincidence.

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Go and canoodle with your boyfriend.

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Come on. I wasn't born yesterday, far from it.

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You did recognise him.

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Possibly reminded me of a certain dashing young time traveller.

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Of course you recognised him.

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Sorry. Stupid. I-I underestimated you.

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-Easily done, there's a lot to estimate.

-And you, you like him?

0:18:490:18:53

Yes, I like him. Very, very much.

0:18:530:18:57

Go home and canoodle. Doctor's orders. Come on.

0:18:570:19:00

-Just this once, I'm doing what I'm told.

-Oh, sing hosanna.

0:19:010:19:06

SHE SIGHS WITH RELIEF So easy.

0:19:060:19:08

Miss Oswald.

0:19:180:19:20

-Ah, Mr... Mr Pink.

-Still on for tonight?

0:19:200:19:23

Cos you had your "I'm about to cancel" frown on.

0:19:230:19:26

There's a specific frown?

0:19:260:19:28

And I was going to say, it's OK, I might have a thing, so ...

0:19:280:19:31

A thing?

0:19:310:19:32

-Tomorrow instead?

-Tomorrow's parents' evening.

0:19:350:19:39

Not all evening.

0:19:390:19:41

No. Not all evening.

0:19:410:19:42

What do you think of him?

0:19:440:19:46

Er, who? The caretaker?

0:19:460:19:49

Where did he come from? What was he before?

0:19:490:19:52

He doesn't seem like a caretaker.

0:19:520:19:54

Well, he speaks very highly of you.

0:19:540:19:56

Anyway. Good night, Miss Oswald.

0:20:010:20:04

Good night...Mr Pink.

0:20:060:20:08

And we're off.

0:20:180:20:19

Home, sweet home.

0:20:480:20:49

Canoodling cancelled, if you need a hand...

0:20:530:20:55

Doctor?

0:20:580:21:00

You invisible?

0:21:000:21:02

I am so going to confiscate that watch.

0:21:040:21:06

Where are you, my sleeping beauty?

0:21:060:21:09

Gotcha! Let's dance!

0:21:180:21:20

Doctor?

0:21:220:21:24

Where are you?

0:21:240:21:26

Hello?

0:21:290:21:30

Nine-stop-query-rescan.

0:21:380:21:39

Target-reacquired-success-success.

0:21:390:21:42

Come on, come on.

0:21:440:21:45

Gangway!

0:21:450:21:47

Not far now. Come on.

0:21:500:21:52

Nine-stop-parsing-data-pursue.

0:21:530:21:56

Bingo.

0:21:560:21:57

Target-reacquired.

0:22:000:22:01

Hello?

0:22:040:22:05

What? Red? Red. No. No-no-no!

0:22:110:22:16

Range-one-point-four-nine-scan complete-problem-problem.

0:22:160:22:20

Listen. I'm unarmed. I'm peaceful. Do you understand?

0:22:200:22:25

I-I know that you shouldn't be on this planet

0:22:250:22:27

but I can help you with that. I...

0:22:270:22:29

Problem-solution-DESTROY.

0:22:290:22:31

I want a word with you.

0:22:310:22:32

-Get back!

-Problem-solution-DESTROY.

0:22:320:22:35

Get away from me!

0:22:390:22:40

Temporal-disrupt.

0:22:460:22:48

Warning-warning. Temporal-failure.

0:22:480:22:53

Doctor, stop!

0:22:530:22:55

Doctor!

0:22:550:22:57

Warning-system-failure. Abort. Abort.

0:22:570:23:00

Oh, oh, well done, PE, brilliant work(!)

0:23:100:23:15

"What's this? A chronodyne generator?

0:23:170:23:19

"I'll just deactivate that, shall I?

0:23:190:23:22

"I've got a swimming certificate so that qualifies me

0:23:220:23:24

"to meddle with higher technology.

0:23:240:23:26

"Never mind that some people are actually trying to save the planet.

0:23:260:23:29

"Oh, no. There's only room in my head for cross-country and the offside rule."

0:23:290:23:34

-Danny, what are you doing here?

-I was checking up on him.

0:23:340:23:37

He's been up to something, fiddling with the electric, but what the...?!

0:23:370:23:40

No. What...?

0:23:420:23:44

Did you see that thing? Tell me you saw that thing.

0:23:450:23:48

I saw the thing, yeah. Doctor, are we safe, is the planet safe? It's gone?

0:23:480:23:51

Yes, yes, yes, yes, for the moment. But the thing is, you see,

0:23:510:23:54

the chronodyne generators have to be precisely aligned to generate the vortex,

0:23:540:23:58

but the sergeant here, he went and moved one.

0:23:580:24:00

But the chronodyne worked, it's gone.

0:24:000:24:02

But not far enough.

0:24:050:24:06

The vortex will open here again, but not in a billion years.

0:24:060:24:10

Then when?

0:24:100:24:12

Er, 74 hours. Three days.

0:24:120:24:14

Three days to think of something new because now it knows what to expect,

0:24:140:24:19

now it's scanned me and will kill me on sight, thanks to PE here.

0:24:190:24:26

Clara, why are you talking to him like that?

0:24:280:24:31

Why are you using words like chronodyne?

0:24:310:24:35

Was that thing a space thing?

0:24:350:24:38

Oh, my God, you're from space.

0:24:420:24:45

You're a spacewoman. You said you were from Blackpool.

0:24:480:24:51

It's a play! For the summer fete.

0:24:540:24:57

-It's a what?

-Yes, it's a play. Shut up, it is a play.

0:24:570:25:00

We are rehearsing a play. Sh! Sh! Sh! A surprise play!

0:25:000:25:05

And, erm, you see, the vortex thing is-is a lighting effect.

0:25:050:25:08

Very clever.

0:25:080:25:09

And that thing is-is one of the kids. In fancy dress.

0:25:090:25:14

Really...really good fancy dress.

0:25:140:25:19

How stupid do you think I am?

0:25:190:25:20

I'm willing to put a number on it.

0:25:200:25:22

I'm not a moron, Clara.

0:25:220:25:24

And he's not the caretaker.

0:25:250:25:27

He's...your dad.

0:25:280:25:31

Your space dad.

0:25:310:25:34

Oh...genius.

0:25:340:25:37

That is really, really brilliant reasoning.

0:25:370:25:41

How can you think I'm her dad when we both look exactly the same age?

0:25:410:25:44

-We do not look the same age.

-I was being kind.

0:25:440:25:46

-Right, I'll hypnotise him, I'll erase his memory.

-Doctor, stop!

0:25:460:25:49

-Tiny brain, won't take a moment.

-He's my boyfriend.

0:25:490:25:51

Well, I'll try not to erase the whole thing. I'll leave the bits that...

0:25:510:25:54

He's my boyfriend. I thought you'd figured this out.

0:25:540:25:58

-Him?

-Yes, him.

-No, he's not.

0:25:580:26:00

-Yes, he is.

-Yes, I am.

-But he's a PE teacher.

0:26:000:26:04

You wouldn't go out with a PE teacher.

0:26:040:26:06

It's a mistake. You've made a boyfriend error.

0:26:060:26:08

I am not a PE teacher. I am a maths teacher!

0:26:080:26:11

You're a soldier. Why would you go out with a soldier?

0:26:110:26:13

-Why not get a dog or a big plant?

-Because I love him!

0:26:130:26:16

Why would you say that? Is this part of the surprise play?

0:26:240:26:27

SHE SIGHS There is no surprise play.

0:26:270:26:30

Oh, it's a roller coaster with you tonight, isn't it?

0:26:300:26:33

What about the handsome one with the bow tie?

0:26:330:26:35

Adrian? No. He's just a friend and not my type.

0:26:350:26:37

Clara, are you going to explain any of this?

0:26:370:26:40

Who is this guy?

0:26:400:26:42

The Doctor is...

0:26:440:26:46

-Go on.

-Yes, explain. Who is he? Why have you never mentioned him?

0:26:490:26:54

Because...he's an alien.

0:26:540:26:58

-Are you an alien?

-No-no-no, I'm still from Blackpool.

0:27:000:27:03

Me and the Doctor, we travel through time and space.

0:27:050:27:08

Exhibit A.

0:27:080:27:11

It's called a TARDIS, but it's disguised as an old police phone box.

0:27:110:27:17

(It's bigger on the inside.)

0:27:170:27:18

And it's bigger on the inside than the outside.

0:27:180:27:21

Voila.

0:27:220:27:24

And we travel the universe in it.

0:27:250:27:28

What about that thing? Did you bring that here?

0:27:440:27:46

No, I'm going to protect you from that thing.

0:27:460:27:49

You said it was coming back.

0:27:490:27:51

Yes, it is coming back. Thanks to you.

0:27:510:27:54

This is a school. We have to evacuate, call the Army.

0:27:540:27:57

And that is the most dangerous thing right there.

0:27:570:28:00

-Are you sure hypnotising is not on the menu?

-Yes.

0:28:000:28:04

We need to get help. This is an emergency.

0:28:040:28:06

Take him away, shut him up, shut him down, up or down, it doesn't matter to me.

0:28:060:28:11

-I've got a lot of work to do. Again.

-Will you be OK?

0:28:110:28:14

Why wouldn't I be OK? I was fine till you two blundered in.

0:28:140:28:18

Am I just being ignored?

0:28:180:28:20

Come on, Danny. It's all right, it's all fine.

0:28:200:28:23

You'll be OK. Let's get those legs moving...

0:28:230:28:27

that's it, down those stairs. Yep, that's it.

0:28:270:28:30

This can all be explained and everything will be fine.

0:28:300:28:33

And when this is all over, you can finish the job.

0:28:330:28:37

How do you mean?

0:28:370:28:38

Well, you've explained me to him. You haven't explained him to me.

0:28:380:28:43

What do you think?

0:28:550:28:56

Say something.

0:29:020:29:03

So...there's an alien, who used to look like Adrian.

0:29:070:29:13

Then he turned into a Scottish caretaker

0:29:160:29:18

and every now and then, when I'm not looking, you elope with him.

0:29:180:29:21

-I don't elope.

-Do you love him?

-No.

0:29:210:29:26

Really had enough of the lies.

0:29:260:29:28

-Not in that way.

-What other way is there?

0:29:290:29:32

-You know what I mean.

-I don't know what you mean.

0:29:320:29:34

I know what you tell me, which isn't always the truth.

0:29:340:29:37

-Danny...

-Why do you do it?

0:29:400:29:42

Why do you fly off in the box with him?

0:29:440:29:46

The truth, please, just this once.

0:29:480:29:50

Because...it's amazing.

0:29:550:29:59

Because...I see wonders.

0:30:020:30:05

OK.

0:30:070:30:08

What are you thinking?

0:30:170:30:18

That's a good question.

0:30:200:30:21

It's funny, you only really know what someone thinks of you,

0:30:240:30:27

when you know what lies they've told you.

0:30:270:30:29

You say you've seen wonders, you've seen amazing things,

0:30:300:30:36

and you kept them secret.

0:30:360:30:38

From me.

0:30:400:30:41

So, what do you think of me, Clara?

0:30:430:30:45

-Please, tell me how I fix this.

-I just want to know who you are.

0:30:470:30:51

You know who I am.

0:30:510:30:52

When you're with him. When you're with the Doctor.

0:30:540:30:58

OK, I think we've just got time before parents' evening.

0:31:100:31:13

An invisibility watch? Not even a ring.

0:31:130:31:15

Press the button on the side, you're invisible.

0:31:150:31:17

You'll see me with the Doctor, the other me.

0:31:170:31:20

The exactly the same other me. OK?

0:31:200:31:23

Afternoon. Thanks for keeping out of my way.

0:31:300:31:33

You've not brought Dave with you, I hope.

0:31:340:31:37

His name's Danny. And no, I haven't.

0:31:370:31:40

I've explained it all to him. He gets it, he took it all really well.

0:31:420:31:45

Pass me that synestic.

0:31:450:31:46

So, when the Blitzer comes back, are you going to catch him with that?

0:31:510:31:55

It'll be a long, fiddly job. It's going to take me at least 24 hours.

0:31:550:31:58

Even longer if people keep talking to me, so do keep going.

0:31:580:32:01

If it comes back Thursday night, are you sure about that? Cos you said chronodyne is unstable.

0:32:010:32:04

If you want bother someone, go and bother PE.

0:32:040:32:07

He's a maths teacher.

0:32:080:32:10

-That's a shame, I like maths.

-Not a soldier.

0:32:110:32:13

Interesting.

0:32:200:32:21

What is?

0:32:220:32:24

I'm bored.

0:32:240:32:26

Let's go somewhere fun, what do you say?

0:32:260:32:28

Do you want to see the Thames frozen over? Oh, those frost fairs.

0:32:280:32:31

You can't. The Skovox thing.

0:32:310:32:33

It's a time machine. We can get back straightaway, like we always do on your dates.

0:32:330:32:36

Just make sure you don't get yourself a tan or anything, or lose a limb.

0:32:360:32:39

I don't think we should, not this time.

0:32:390:32:41

You've never said no before. Not even in the middle of dinner.

0:32:410:32:44

Remember you had to eat two meals in a row?

0:32:440:32:45

I just think, with the school in danger...

0:32:450:32:49

-Danny! Why are you...?

-He already knows I'm here.

0:32:490:32:52

That's why he's talking like that. He's being clever.

0:32:520:32:55

Now you mention it, being a Time Lord,

0:32:550:32:57

I can feel a light-shield aura when it's right next to me.

0:32:570:33:00

"Time Lord"! Might have known.

0:33:000:33:03

Might have known WHAT?

0:33:030:33:05

The accent's good, but you can always spot the aristocracy.

0:33:050:33:08

-It's in the...attitude.

-Danny...

0:33:080:33:11

Now, Time Lords, do you salute those?

0:33:110:33:13

-Definitely not.

-Sir!

0:33:130:33:16

And you do not call me sir.

0:33:160:33:18

As you wish, sir. Absolutely, sir.

0:33:180:33:20

-And you can get out of my TARDIS!

-Immediately, sir.

0:33:200:33:23

Doctor, this is stupid, this is unfair!

0:33:230:33:25

One thing, Clara. I'm a soldier, guilty as charged. You see him?

0:33:250:33:30

-He's an officer.

-I am not an officer!

0:33:300:33:32

I'm the one who carries you out of the fire.

0:33:320:33:34

-He's the one who lights it.

-Out. Now.

0:33:340:33:36

-Right away, sir? Straight now?

-Yes.

-Am I dismissed?

-Yes, you are!

0:33:360:33:40

That's him. Look at him, right now.

0:33:410:33:45

That's who he is.

0:33:450:33:46

On balance, I think that went quite well.

0:33:520:33:55

Danny...it's not time to go home yet. It's parents' evening.

0:34:040:34:08

Humans.

0:34:120:34:14

I never learn.

0:34:140:34:16

What's in the box?

0:34:160:34:17

It's not really a policeman, is it?

0:34:200:34:22

You want to know what's in that box? I'll tell you what's in that box.

0:34:250:34:29

It's a time machine, it also travels in space,

0:34:300:34:34

and it usually contains a man who just wants to get on with his work

0:34:340:34:38

of preventing the end of the world,

0:34:380:34:40

but keeps being interrupted by boring little humans.

0:34:400:34:44

Cool. So, that's really a spaceship?

0:34:440:34:47

I'm serious, I'm trying to save this planet.

0:34:490:34:51

End of the world for me tonight, whatever you do. Parents' evening.

0:34:510:34:54

Is your name really Disruptive Influence?

0:34:540:34:57

Courtney Woods. Can I go in space?

0:34:570:35:00

I'll let you know. I may have a vacancy.

0:35:000:35:03

But not right now.

0:35:030:35:04

Two days? I can do it.

0:35:080:35:11

Right, are we quorate? Time to admit the hordes.

0:35:170:35:22

And look who's at the front of the queue.

0:35:220:35:24

-Who are they?

-Courtney Woods' mum and dad.

0:35:240:35:26

-Can someone else do them first?

-No problem, Ade. I can cope with anything tonight.

-Oh, happy days(!)

0:35:260:35:32

BEEPING

0:35:580:36:00

No, no, no. No, no, no, no!

0:36:060:36:10

I would say yes, I'm afraid Courtney is a disruptive influence.

0:36:100:36:14

Yeah, but last year you said she was a VERY disruptive influence.

0:36:140:36:17

So, I suppose that counts as an improvement.

0:36:170:36:20

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT LOUDLY

0:36:240:36:26

Excuse me, I think the caretaker wants me.

0:36:280:36:31

Sorry, Mrs Christodolou, I think the caretaker wants me too.

0:36:310:36:34

What about my Angelina?

0:36:340:36:36

Yeah, she's great, yeah, a really great girl, A-plus,

0:36:360:36:38

ten out of ten, top of the class. Sorry.

0:36:380:36:41

Although, actually, handwriting could be better.

0:36:410:36:44

I'm sure they'll be back in a moment.

0:36:490:36:51

Looks like our Courtney was right about those two.

0:36:510:36:53

-What's happening?

-Clara, the vortex is opening.

0:36:530:36:56

-You said Thursday night. Hall, quick.

-PE, shut up.

0:36:560:37:00

Clara, it'll scan the area,

0:37:000:37:02

if it gets to parents' evening, it'll kill them all.

0:37:020:37:04

-We've got to evacuate.

-SHUT UP!

0:37:040:37:06

Quickly. What do I do?

0:37:060:37:08

It'll be here any second. Get to the hall.

0:37:090:37:12

Give it some squirts of helicon energy, setting number 41,

0:37:120:37:15

no more than three seconds each, random pulses.

0:37:150:37:17

Distract it, then you lead it away from the hall, give me two minutes.

0:37:170:37:20

-Then what?

-Just run straight to the TARDIS.

0:37:200:37:22

But your gadget isn't ready yet. 24 hours, you said.

0:37:220:37:24

Yes, well, I've revised that down to two minutes. Probably. Clara, go.

0:37:240:37:28

-On my way.

-You're using her like a decoy?

0:37:280:37:30

No, not like a decoy. As a decoy.

0:37:300:37:32

Don't they teach you anything at stupid school?

0:37:320:37:35

Well, is there anything I can do?

0:37:350:37:37

Yes, yes, and this is very, very important.

0:37:370:37:39

Leave us alone!

0:37:390:37:40

Disrupt-temporal-lock. Disengaged-scan.

0:37:450:37:49

Here we go.

0:37:490:37:50

Incoming-stop-identified-HELICON- HELICON-commence-retargeting.

0:37:540:37:59

Target-acquired. Destroy.

0:38:030:38:05

Target-within-range.

0:38:110:38:13

Problem-solution-DESTROY.

0:38:150:38:19

-DESTROY.

-Doctor, now, it's got to be now!

0:38:210:38:24

-20 seconds.

-DESTROY. DESTROY.

0:38:240:38:27

Doctor!

0:38:270:38:28

-I'm at green, I'm at green.

-You're green!

-Stop! Skovox Blitzer!

0:38:350:38:39

Awaiting-orders.

0:38:390:38:40

Skovox-Artificer. Analyse-stop-analyse-stop.

0:38:400:38:44

Superior-recognised-pattern- 110-orders-orders.

0:38:440:38:49

Why's it listening to you?

0:38:490:38:51

Listening to its superior. This is a rough copy.

0:38:510:38:54

It thinks I'm its general.

0:38:540:38:55

Initiate-input. Commence-shutdown-protocol.

0:38:550:38:58

No-conflict-conclusion?

0:38:580:39:00

Problem-solution.

0:39:000:39:02

Conclusion.

0:39:040:39:05

Final-input-code-missing. Emergency-terminate.

0:39:050:39:07

Initiate-self-destruct- in...nine...eight...

0:39:070:39:10

-The input code. I forgot the final input code.

-..seven-six-five...

0:39:100:39:13

-Do it now!

-I need time. Distract it, Clara!

0:39:130:39:16

Me, what can I do?

0:39:160:39:18

Oi, Skovox, over here.

0:39:180:39:20

Under-attack.

0:39:220:39:23

Artificer-Artificer-stop-confirm- stop-override-final-input-code.

0:39:290:39:35

Code-accepted. Abort-self-destruct.

0:39:350:39:37

Orders-accepted-stop-stop-stop.

0:39:390:39:42

Oh, my God! Oh, my God, you were amazing!

0:39:440:39:47

Oh, my God, you were so brilliant.

0:39:470:39:49

Well, yeah, I was OK, wasn't I?

0:39:490:39:51

I was behind you every step of the way.

0:39:520:39:55

Had to make sure you were safe.

0:39:550:39:57

You OK?

0:39:580:39:59

OK.

0:40:010:40:02

Just "OK"?

0:40:040:40:05

It's all right, it doesn't matter.

0:40:060:40:08

I don't need him to like me.

0:40:080:40:10

It doesn't matter if he likes me or hates me.

0:40:100:40:13

I just need to do exactly one thing for you.

0:40:130:40:16

Doctor, am I right?

0:40:160:40:19

Yes.

0:40:220:40:23

What? What one thing?

0:40:230:40:25

I need to be good enough for you.

0:40:260:40:28

That's why he's angry. Just in case I'm not.

0:40:280:40:32

He, er... He did just save the whole world.

0:40:380:40:41

Yeah, yeah.

0:40:430:40:45

Good start.

0:40:470:40:48

Farewell, Skovox Blitzer. Have a nice war.

0:40:530:40:56

So, Courtney Woods, impressed yet?

0:40:560:40:59

Actually, I'm feeling a bit ill.

0:41:000:41:03

Ah, it can be a bit overwhelming.

0:41:030:41:06

But look - the Olveron Cluster.

0:41:060:41:10

A million stars, 100 million inhabited planets.

0:41:100:41:15

COURTNEY IS SICK

0:41:190:41:21

Ah, yes, there has been a spillage.

0:41:210:41:24

So, what do you think now?

0:41:320:41:34

-Of the Doctor?

-Yeah.

0:41:340:41:37

See, he's all right, isn't he, really? Underneath it all.

0:41:370:41:40

OK. Tell me what you're thinking.

0:41:460:41:49

I know men like him. I've served under them.

0:41:510:41:55

They push you and make you stronger,

0:41:560:42:00

till you're doing things you never thought you could.

0:42:000:42:03

I saw you tonight, you did exactly what he told you.

0:42:030:42:07

You weren't even scared.

0:42:070:42:08

And you should have been.

0:42:110:42:12

I trust him. He has never let me down.

0:42:140:42:18

Fine.

0:42:210:42:22

If he ever pushes you too far, then I want you to tell me,

0:42:250:42:28

because I know what that's like.

0:42:280:42:31

You'll tell me if that happens, yeah?

0:42:310:42:33

Yeah, it's a deal.

0:42:330:42:35

-No. It's a promise.

-OK. I promise.

0:42:350:42:38

-If you break that promise, Clara, we're finished.

-Don't say that.

0:42:390:42:43

I am saying it because if you if you don't tell me the truth,

0:42:430:42:47

I can't help you, and I could never stand not being able to help you.

0:42:470:42:52

Are we clear?

0:42:520:42:53

Yes. We're clear.

0:42:540:42:57

It was mad, it was like in a film or on the telly,

0:43:110:43:14

like with science fiction guns.

0:43:140:43:17

Skovox Blitzer, sounds like. We've had a few in from that.

0:43:170:43:20

-Wouldn't feel too bad.

-If I hadn't...

0:43:200:43:22

If I hadn't...

0:43:240:43:25

Hang on. That doesn't make sense.

0:43:270:43:31

Makes perfect sense to me.

0:43:310:43:33

How did I escape? I don't remember how I got away.

0:43:330:43:38

Well, I was coming to that. I'm afraid you really rather didn't.

0:43:380:43:43

Then how did I get here?

0:43:490:43:51

Well...big question.

0:43:510:43:53

Where am I?

0:43:530:43:54

What name would you like? There's a range. The afterlife.

0:43:540:43:57

The Promised Land. I'm partial to the Nethersphere.

0:43:570:44:00

My God!

0:44:040:44:06

APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS

0:44:080:44:10

Sorry, she's a bit busy today.

0:44:140:44:17

So...any questions?

0:44:190:44:21

Hello, Earth. We have a terrible decision to make.

0:44:240:44:27

An innocent life versus the future of all mankind.

0:44:270:44:30

Whatever future humanity might have depends on the choice made

0:44:300:44:34

right here, right now.

0:44:340:44:36

Aaaarrgghh!

0:44:360:44:39

Decision made.

0:44:410:44:42

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