Pennod 1 Dyddiadur Dews


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Transcript


LineFromTo

-WELCOME TO HELL

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-You think you know the face,

-don't you?

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-Jason.

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-You think you've seen

-my face before.

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-Jason off Pobol Y Cwm.

-People think Dews is Jason.

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-They get them mixed up.

-He gets hassled in Carmarthen.

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-You don't like to talk about it.

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-You don't like to talk about it.

-

-No.

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-They don't get on, see.

-They're twins.

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-When twins are born...

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-When twins are born...

-

-They know what twins are.

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-Huwi is my other brother.

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-We get on, don't we?

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-We get on, don't we?

-

-Yes.

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-We can't stand Pobol Y Cwm.

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-We can't stand Pobol Y Cwm.

-

-I've been on camera before.

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-The last fifteen years

-of my life are on film.

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-Every event, every development,

-every idea.

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-It's all on tape.

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-He filmed it all on the camera.

-Am I on that?

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-Stick to the script, please.

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-Don't worry. We're still rolling.

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-Huwi, you need to let

-your brother speak, OK?

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-Let your own brother speak, Huwi!

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-Let your own brother speak, Huwi!

-

-We'll pick it up from the line...

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-UNINTELLIGIBLE

-RENDITION OF THE LINE

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-What did she say?!

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-What did she say?!

-

-I'm speaking to you now.

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-High defs?

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-I'm speaking to you now...

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-..on wonderful widescreen

-and stunning high definition.

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-But it wasn't always this beautiful.

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-MOOS

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-Slate 1, Take 15

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-I'm speaking to you now...

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-..on stunning high definition

-and wonderful widescreen.

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-But it wasn't always this beautiful.

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-I'm Dewi, from Garn Fach.

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-This is my programme.

-This is my story. This is my life.

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-This is Dews's Diary.

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-Dews, not Jason on Pobol Y Cwm.

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-You didn't have to say that. Once

-I finished speaking, that was it.

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-People get mixed up.

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-You're not meant to speak.

-Let your brother speak.

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-We'll cut it out.

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-Are you sure?

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-He can edit it out.

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-One more?

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-One more?

-

-OK.

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-CHAPTER 1

-THE WEDDING, SEPTEMBER 2001

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-NANTGAREDIG, CARMARTHEN

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-Right, where are we?

-It's not far to go.

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-Have you got the best man speech?

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-Have you got the best man speech?

-

-Yes, somewhere.

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-Have you practised it?

-Have you got the rings?

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-I think so.

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-We're fucking late now.

-No-one will be there.

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-I bet everyone will have cancelled.

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-Mabli and Celt

-have got fucking chickenpox.

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-You couldn't fucking make it up.

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-And behave, Huwi.

-No fucking nonsense.

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-Eh?

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-Eh?

-

-Behave, I said.

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-You're the best man.

-You're there to help me.

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-Don't worry, Dews.

-I'm the man, Dews.

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-Jesus Christ.

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-Where the fuck did he get

-his licence? In a bloody raffle?

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-I'm with you, Dews.

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-Hold on, Dews. Hold on!

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-There's shit down your back.

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-There's shit down your back.

-

-Get it off.

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-Fucking hell. Have you got a light?

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-For fuck's sake.

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-Go and film the guests arriving!

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-Go and film the guests arriving!

-

-Are you nervous, Dews?

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-What the fuck do you think?

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-You'll be OK.

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-Let me hug you.

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-Make sure you get a shot of the

-limousine arriving. It cost enough.

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-Well, hello. How are you?

-Do you know this man? Who is he?

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-Jason off Pobol Y Cwm.

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-Yeah, Jason off Pobol y Cwm.

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-Can we have a picture, please?

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-Of course you can have a picture.

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-Thanks.

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-Cwtch.

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-Now then, snuggle up. Smile, Jason.

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-Lovely! And another one.

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-Smile.

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-Lovely! And another one.

-Come along, Jason.

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-Smile, Jason! Big day, big day!

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-Thank you.

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-Good luck.

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-Good luck.

-

-Thanks.

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-What's wrong?

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-What's wrong?

-

-Get a shot of the limousine!

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-Leave it with me.

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-Where's the fucking limousine?

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-2 MINUTES & 44 SECONDS EARLIER

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-2 MINUTES & 44 SECONDS EARLIER

-

-Right, your f-stop on 11?

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-Check.

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-Shutter speed 50?

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-Shutter speed 50?

-

-Check.

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-Is your NDs on?

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-Is your NDs on?

-

-Check.

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-Awesome, quality.

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-We all know what we're doing.

-We've done this twice before.

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-It's a straightforward

-wedding video.

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-Lilly, you do what you do best.

-Just feel it, you know.

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-Whatever happens, just remember

-everyone - tits and teeth.

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-Keto, can you see the sound?

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-Keto! Keto!

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-Bloody hell, Keto mun.

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-What's this? "May cause drowsiness.

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-"Do not operate heavy machinery.

-Take one capful."

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-Bloody hell, Keto.

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-Bloody hell, Keto.

-

-What's happened?

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-He's drunk a bottle of Nighteaze.

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-He's drunk a bottle of Nighteaze.

-

-But it's the day.

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-But it's the day.

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-Keto my love,

-we've talked about this.

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-Nighteaze doesn't help

-your narcolepsy, does it?

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-Keto.

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-Keto.

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-Keto. You're on boom.

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-Eyes open.

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-Open your eyes.

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-Bloody hell.

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-Don't forget

-we get most of our funding...

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-..through being

-a Welsh language production company.

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-So what do we do?

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-So what do we do?

-

-Everything in Welsh!

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-Everything in Welsh.

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-Everything in Welsh.

-

-Close enough.

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-Cockin' Christ,

-that's Jason off Pobol Y Cwm.

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-Here's a light.

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-I'm Lilly.

-We're Parachute Productions.

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-You're Jason off Pobol Y Cwm.

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-You're doing the wedding video.

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-HALF AN HOUR LATE...

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-# HERE COMES THE BRIDE #

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-HUWI STARTS TO IMPROVISE

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-Do it right.

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-# HERE COMES THE BRIDE #

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-Are you OK, love?

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-You tripped over the cable!

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-Dammed cable!

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-Um... OK, OK, it's fine,

-everything's fine. Don't worry.

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-So, what do we want to do?

-Do we want to go again from the top?

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-We'll pick it up from there.

-Don't worry about the blood, love.

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-Gwyndaf's a magician in Post.

-No-one will be any the wiser.

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-Bride, bridesmaids, just remember,

-tits and teeth, yeah? OK! Great.

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-Everyone ready.

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-Lovely, and... turn over.

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-And, action.

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-# THE WORK OF DEATH #

-Lubos Fiser

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-If any person can show just cause...

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-..why they may not be

-lawfully joined together...

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-..let them speak now.

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-Dewi Gwmryn Jams Cadwaladr Miriam...

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-Dewi Gwmryn Jams Cadwaladr Miriam...

-

-BRIDE GIGGLES

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-Meirion.

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-Do you take Lowri Haf Jenkins

-to be your wedded wife?

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-I do.

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-Lowri Haf Jenkins.

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-Do you take Dewi Gwmryn Jams

-Cadwaladr Miriam.. sorry Meirion...

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-..ap Hywel

-to be your wedded husband?

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-I do.

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-The rings, please.

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-You may kiss the bride.

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-Cut!

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-Dews!

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-Dews!

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-Dews, Dews, are you OK?

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-Dews, get up. Come on!

-It's a big day.

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-Get up, Dews. Up, up, boy.

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-Come on Dews!

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-Damn.

-I'd better call an ambulance.

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-.

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-Subtitles

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-Subtitles

-

-Subtitles

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-And one last story.

-I don't want to keep you long.

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-The food is getting cold.

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-When Dews was younger...

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-..he was sexually curious,

-as we all are.

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-I remember trying to shag a hen

-when I was five.

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-SOLITARY LAUGHTER

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-When Dews was bottle-feeding

-a calf, he had the idea...

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-..if the calf can suck the bottle,

-what else would it suck?

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-SOLITARY LAUGHTER

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-As some of us know, calves

-have teeth, and they do bite.

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-Dews went to A&E to have

-half his cock stitched back on.

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-It's only through luck that we're

-here today celebrating this wedding.

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-If the calf had swallowed,

-Lowri wouldn't be sitting here now.

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-If there is one thing I know

-about Lowri - she loves cock.

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-Well done, Huw.

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-Thanks. Please eat.

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-Nice chicken.

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-It's nice.

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-Just saying, it's lovely food.

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-APPLAUSE

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-SOLITARY LAUGHTER

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-I'm glad you think it's funny,

-Mr Evans.

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-Because Lowri, my wife,

-isn't happy at all.

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-Call me Wyn, please.

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-I'm sorry, but everyone who has

-seen it thinks it's hilarious.

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-It's a wedding video! Our big day.

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-It's not meant to be hilarious.

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-It is. That's the beauty of it.

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-Wedding videos are always boring.

-There's so much more to this.

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-It's like a hybrid genre -

-weddingvideowrong.com, all in one.

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-I'm not charging you, either.

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-I'm not charging you, either.

-

-The thing is, Wyn...

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-..Lowri wants her money back.

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-Listen. It was a bad day all round.

-I lost two cameras on the shoot.

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-Yeah?

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-See?

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-Have you any idea

-how much these cost?

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-I gave you 2,000

-to make a wedding video.

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-That's a pile of shit.

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-The only thing I can do with that

-is send it to You've Been Framed.

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-And guess what. That's exactly

-what the little fucker did.

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-250 a pop, and I gave him the idea,

-just now.

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-See!

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-Little fucker.

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-Fair enough.

-But I can't give you a refund.

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-But what I can do...

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-..is offer you something better.

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-There you are. Keep it.

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-That's worth more than 2,000.

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-Good morning, Mrs Hywel.

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-Welcome to the first day

-of the rest of your married life.

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-How does it feel to be married

-to such a handsome, kind man?

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-Like cystitis.

-Painful and fucking annoying.

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-Have you spoken to the twat?

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-Yes.

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-Yes.

-

-And? Did you get the 2,000 back?

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-Better than that.

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-Better than that.

-

-2,500?

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-A holiday in the Bahamas?

-Argos vouchers? What?!

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-Da-ra!

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-A camcorder?

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-No, not a camcorder.

-This is state of the art.

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-You can't put a price on this.

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-I'll make a film

-about the rest of your life...

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-..the children growing up.

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-Twenty years from now...

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-A camcorder

-won't feed and clothe the children!

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-I don't care

-about 20 years from now.

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-At this rate, you'll be on your own.

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-Ooow.

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-Ooow.

-

-Oh, fuck off!

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-IN THE MEANTIME

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-# SPAGHETTI JUNGLE #

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-Hello.

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-Turn it down.

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-What's this shit?

0:17:400:17:41

-The set list. What's this shit?

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-The set list. What's this shit?

-

-Speakers.

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-This isn't the Millennium Stadium.

-It's supposed to be a tidy do, mun.

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-Britney Spears, The Vengaboys,

-Abba... it sounds like a wedding.

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-I told you, I don't do weddings.

-I only play jenga.

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-# SPAGHETTI JUNGLE #

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-Am I out of bounds now?

0:18:280:18:31

-Fucking hell!

0:18:330:18:35

-Hey, Kato. Guess who I've just seen.

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-It's already kicked off.

-She's already bloody slapped him.

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-Hang on, how is he by there?

0:18:480:18:51

-I'm fucking happy.

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-I'm fucking happy.

-

-You can't beat him up.

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-Too fucking right.

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-I'm seeing things, man. There's two

-of them. There's two bloody Jasons.

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-Oi, knobhead.

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-What the fuck is he doing here?

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-Dews, Dews!

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-We're all having a good time.

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-Oi.

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-I thought I told you.

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-You're not fucking welcome here.

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-No? That's odd,

-Lowri just gave me a big welcome.

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-What did you say?

0:19:260:19:28

-Dews, Dews!

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-Disaster! Complete disaster!

0:20:030:20:06

-The happiest day of my life,

-and look what's happened.

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-I've married a fucking child,

-and now his brother turns up...

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-..with half of Pobol Y Cwm

-to start a fight.

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-What the fuck is the rest of my life

-going to be like?

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-Poor love.

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-Have you got a light?

0:20:300:20:32

-Bad timing.

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-Sorry.

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-Fucking hell.

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-Hang on, Dews.

0:20:450:20:47

-Mrs Hywel. I've been expecting you.

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-Don't fuck around with me.

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-Turn the camera off. You won't

-want to film what I have to say.

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-As you see, I film everything that

-goes on in this house. Security.

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-Whatever. I don't care.

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-I watched

-You've Been Framed last night.

0:22:000:22:03

-And?

0:22:030:22:04

-And?

-

-Do you want to see what I saw?

0:22:040:22:07

-I know what you're doing.

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-So on top of the 2,000 you owe me

-for fucking the wedding video up...

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-..how much do you owe me now,

-Gwyndaf?

0:22:160:22:19

-Lowri, Lowri, Lowri.

-Let me show you something.

0:22:220:22:25

-I filmed a lot of interesting things

-at the wedding.

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-Take a seat.

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-Now then, Lowri.

0:23:050:23:07

-How much do you owe me?

0:23:070:23:09

-S4C Subtitles by Gwead

0:23:380:23:40

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0:23:400:23:40

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