Pennod 2 Dyddiadur Dews

-*

-OK?

-OK?

-

-Ready? Action.

-Hello. Welcome to the programme.

-I'm Dewi.

-The first thing I have to do...

-What do you want, Huw?

-Have you got a fork?

-Have you got a fork?

-

-It's on the floor by the greenhouse.

-What are you doing?

-What are you doing?

-

-I'm doing a piece to camera.

-It's a recap for viewers

-who didn't watch last week.

-Can't they watch it on Clic?

-Can't they watch it on Clic?

-

-I don't know.

-That's what we're doing.

-We're running out of time.

-Don't let me slow you down.

-Don't let me slow you down.

-

-Thanks, Huw.

-Sorry about that, Wyn. Do you

-want me to carry on? Where was I?

-Wedding.

-Lowri and I got married on

-the 11th of September 2001.

-The day was a complete disaster,

-as you can imagine.

-Everything went wrong that day.

-The ceremony was moved

-from Saturday to Tuesday.

-It didn't start well.

-I had a fight with Pobol Y Cwm.

-Lowri spent most of the day

-in tears. And then...

-What do you want?

-What do you want?

-

-Have you got a proper fork?

-What for?

-What for?

-

-I want to dig.

-Use the big fork

-that's sticking up in the lawn.

-I see it.

-I see it.

-

-It looks like a fork.

-It's going to rain.

-It's going to rain.

-

-I know.

-The next two years flew by.

-We had little Heti,

-a very proud moment for me.

-From that moment on,

-I was rushed off my feet.

-I started my own gardening business

-as a sideline.

-And I still had

-a 200-acre dairy farm to run.

-There was plenty to do

-and plenty to see.

-I filmed it all on my camera.

-This is my life.

-This is my programme.

-This is Dyddiadur Dews.

-What do you want?

-What do you want?

-

-The fork is fucked.

-What have you done to it?

-What have you done to it?

-

-There were stones there.

-Don't dig the rockery, mun!

-There are meant to be stones in it,

-it's a rockery!

-CHAPTER 2, THE PITCH, MARCH 2003

-Here we are.

-What do you want? Why you film me?

-Sorry. I'm looking for Gwyndaf

-Evans, the television company.

-I don't watch TV.

-British TV is shit.

-I listen to Polish radio. Piss off!

-It's alright, love.

-Hitler's on telly.

-Hello, Dewi here.

-You did my wedding for me.

-Dewi! Of course! How are you?

-Very well, thank you.

-Very well, thank you.

-

-It's good to see you.

-How's Mrs Hywel? Do we hear

-the pitter-patter of tiny feet?

-Yes, actually. That's why I came

-round. You gave me this camera.

-Dewi! How are you?

-Oh, sorry. Hello, Gwyndaf.

-What can I do for you?

-I wanted to ask

-if you still do the editing.

-My little girl

-is having her first birthday.

-I want to make a film

-with the video tape that I've got.

-No problem. Come in.

-Bring him down, Lilly.

-Good! Thanks, Gwyndaf.

-Come on in.

-Through here?

-Where do you think you're going,

-Johnny Rambo?

-Scottish Alan, this is Dewi.

-Scottish Alan, this is Dewi.

-

-He looks like a ******.

-What's with the gun, mate?

-Scottish Alan,

-this is your landlord.

-Die you, now.

-Sorry about him. He's Scottish.

-Come with me.

-Sorry about that, Mr Landlord.

-I get a wee bit over-excited.

-I'm watching you.

-In my defence, your majesty,

-it's an easy mistake to make.

-Yer man doesn't look like

-one of your normal punters, does he?

-You're restricted to 80 shilling

-until one o'clock. I'm watching you.

-Like I said, it's an easy mistake

-to make. I'm sorry.

-Hello.

-How are you, Dews?

-What happened to you?

-The children were fucking around.

-I went over the BMX handlebars.

-Did you film it?

-Did you film it?

-

-Yes. I film everything now.

-Let's have a look.

-Keto, turn it off.

-Hang on.

-Cockin' Christ. Which one is it?

-Cockin' Christ. Which one is it?

-

-It's one of these.

-Huwi Bach.

-Huwi Bach.

-Huwi Bach.

-

-Video Diary.

-Can you not log them, Dewi? Label

-them, write on them, with a pen.

-Huwi did that.

-Dews's cock?

-Give it to me.

-Give me that.

-We'll call this Tape One.

-OK, Tape One. Good plan.

-SHOOTING CANS WITH DEWS

-I've set the cans up.

-The boys are going

-to shoot them down.

-Off you go, shoot.

-Good shot, Celt.

-Pull the trigger

-when you see anything.

-Unlucky. You almost had it.

-Gentle squeeze. Don't pull it.

-It's the same theory

-as milking a cow.

-Ceasefire.

-The safety isn't on.

-Fucking hell!

-What did I say? Was that you, Celt?

-Sorry.

-Let me set them up and then

-you can shoot. Put those guns down!

-LAUGHTER

-You think that's funny?

-You think that's funny?

-

-Yes.

-You think that's funny?

-You think that's funny?

-

-Yes.

-Right, indoors.

-In you go. Put it down.

-I'm fucking warning you.

-Del's losing his temper now.

-THE LITTLE BROTHER...

-Hello. My name is Mabli. Wait there.

-Out of here now.

-Del, look at the bunnies.

-All face the camera.

-Fuck. Pastie, no.

-Do you know the bunnies?

-Do you know the bunnies?

-

-My bunnies?

-I haven't been there.

-Don't fucking lie. I saw you there.

-SCREAMS

-DEWS'S BMX STUNT

-It doesn't go here.

-These old technologies and toys...

-..it doesn't work in Garnfach,

-it rusts.

-If it's plastic

-it's gone in no time.

-They creep in, see them there?

-Get out, you fucker.

-Right. I'm ready to go.

-We've set up a ramp.

-That's been checked.

-I wanted to jump over

-the children but they weren't keen.

-I'll do a dry run first.

-Are you listening?

-Keep this area clear.

-I'd say he's had it.

-Guaranteed.

-Say, "Yes, Dews".

-"Yes, Dews".

-Run after him.

-It's not safe to stand there.

-Come here. Go and get him.

-I could put him

-on the quick booster.

-Put a wire on him

-and give him a shock.

-Tie up him over there.

-Tie him up with that string.

-Fucking zoom on.

-Right, OK?

-Shout if something's coming.

-OK!

-Who's there now?

-BLEEP

-Come on.

-It doesn't look too good for him.

-See his little feet? Poor thing.

-I'd say he's had it.

-Shit!

-Oh, for ***** sake!

-You stupid arse.

-BLEEPS

-What's the first rule? Check

-there's enough battery and tape.

-I'm sorry.

-The next time the kids try to kill

-me I'll try not to run out of tape.

-Give me strength. What?

-Oh, yes! I forgot to say.

-Good news for you, Dews.

-I sent a few clips

-to Teledu Tirlun. I know the MD.

-Bloody hell! Why did you do that?

-Bloody hell! Why did you do that?

-

-He loves it, Dews.

-He wants us to pitch

-an idea on April 1st.

-No way.

-No way.

-

-Yes way.

-No way.

-Does that mean we'll be on telly?

-We'll be like Herzog and Kinski,

-like Godard and Karina.

-The Torvill and Dean of television.

-You don't know

-who I'm talking about.

-I know who Torvill and Dean are.

-I know who Torvill and Dean are.

-

-Oi, no smoking in here.

-Why the hell give me

-a cigar and lighter, then?

-I thought we were celebrating.

-Celebrate outside.

-You can't smoke in here. Shift.

-Go on.

-Go on.

-

-Bloody hell.

-And you Keto.

-Out.

-Gwyndaf wants to listen to jungle.

-# Predator #

-Peshay

-.

-*

-It's a really important day

-for Para-Shoot Productions.

-We finally got a pitch

-with the head of Teledu Tirlun...

-..Gareth Llywelyn

-aka Jimmy Glitter Jones.

-Dewi,

-Jimmy Glitter loves Pobol Y Cwm.

-I know where this is going.

-No fucking way, pal.

-It's TV. We're paid to perform.

-I don't care. I'm not doing it.

-I don't care. I'm not doing it.

-

-We have to get our foot in the door.

-Just be Jason for a little while.

-How hard can that be?

-How does Jason go?

-I'm pregnant, Denzil.

-You're the father.

-Oh, no.

-Give me a whisky

-and make it a big one.

-Well done! Gold star, Huwi.

-Can I do Jason?

-Don't be silly. You can't, can you?

-Don't be silly. You can't, can you?

-

-Why not?

-You don't look anything like Jason.

-Your brother's his twin.

-Oh yes, of course. Damn.

-Stop mucking about. This is serious.

-He's a big cheese in Welsh TV.

-He's our ticket into S4C.

-If he says yes,

-it'll definitely happen.

-Let's play the game,

-let's do it tidy.

-Remember - everything in Welsh.

-Remember - everything in Welsh.

-

-Everything in Welsh.

-Why are you so happy?

-Hi, I'm Lilly with

-Para-Shoot Productions.

-We have a 2pm with Jimmy Glitter.

-It's alright.

-Tidy.

-Tidy.

-

-What?

-How's it going in the Deri?

-I'm a big fan.

-I do more than just Pobol Y Cwm.

-Anything I might have seen?

-Anything I might have seen?

-

-Do you watch porn?

-Sorry?

-Sorry?

-

-You know, porn.

-Hardcore gay porn.

-Hardcore gay porn.

-

-You like this, ya?

-You enjoyed that, didn't you?

-Naughty girl.

-I think I had a little penetration

-there.

-TWELVE SECONDS LATER

-Well, well, well. I'll pretend

-I didn't see that, shall I?

-Jimmy Glitter.

-A pleasure to meet you.

-I've loads of ideas.

-Burrowing, fencing, pruning.

-You'll like this. A Welsh Blind Date

-with Eleri Sion. Fucking.

-Can we have a meeting

-after this meeting?

-Huwi, what did we speak about?

-Huwi, what did we speak about?

-

-Oh, yes. Sorry, Miss.

-I'm Lilly. Don't worry

-about Huwi, he's very excited.

-This is Para-Shoot Productions!

-This is the star of the show.

-Come along, Jason.

-This man needs no introduction.

-He's a method actor.

-He's going into character.

-Oh, Sara. Oh, Sara.

-OK, everyone!

-I want everyone to sit down,

-fingers on lips.

-Huwi, what are you chewing?

-Open your mouth.

-Nice and wide. What is it?

-It's an E.

-Is this part of the pitch?

-No, Catrin. This is settle down

-time. Is everyone settled? Good.

-Catrin, can you get the lights

-for me, there's a good girl.

-Run the film.

-I'm checking the sheep.

-I feel like a secret agent.

-I wonder if I'll find Huwi.

-I can hear him.

-He's got a pitchfork. What the hell

-is he doing with a pitchfork?

-He's catching moles.

-Dad used to do this job.

-It's a pointless task.

-He's just like his father.

-Two halfwits.

-The best part

-of observational filming...

-..is that Huwi doesn't know

-he's being filmed.

-He's coming close now.

-Hey! Who's there?

-You rambler you! Who the hell

-is that? Hey, get away!

-Get out of there!

-You're trespassing!

-Huw, Huwi!

-Get out of there.

-Fucking hell, Huwi.

-What the fuck are you doing?

-What are you doing

-hiding in the bush?

-I thought you were a rambler.

-This is the sound of time.

-Right!

-Huwi!

-I was out here this morning at nine.

-I went to wake Dews.

-Can you see him behind me?

-He'll sleep through anything.

-Hey ******, hear me?

-There you are then.

-Can you see him?

-This is your wake up call.

-Get me down!

-How are you? Did you sleep alright?

-Get me down!

-BLEEPS

-DEWS SCREAMS

-DEWS SCREAMS

-

-I'll do it now.

-Here we go.

-Good morning! Rise and shine!

-Rise and shine.

-Get that fucking thing off me.

-Fuck off.

-You think that's funny, do you?

-Let's see how you'd fucking like it.

-****** twat,

-making me look like a ****** jerk.

-Calm down, mun.

-It's a lie, it's all a lie!

-If this is how it's going to be, I

-don't want fuck all to do with it.

-Jason, come on.

-LAUGHTER

-Brilliant, excellent. Fair play.

-Am I now a part

-of this exceptional TV moment?

-Absolutely, Jimmy. We're all about

-method and breaking the fourth wall.

-Catrin,

-get on the phone to **** S4C now.

-Really?

-Really?

-

-Go, go!

-How quickly can you get me a pilot?

-How quickly can you get me

-ten grand?

-Now you're taking the piss.

-Now you're taking the piss.

-

-Am I?

-Am I forgetting something?

-Shall I rewind the tape?

-Lilly, give him some playback.

-AWARD SMASHES

-Fine, fine.

-You can have ten grand for a pilot.

-We want 25 grand for two.

-Two pilots?

-Who does two fucking pilots?

-We fucking do.

-Get the cheque book out.

-You've plenty of money.

-Mrs Glitter

-wouldn't like to see that.

-OK, OK, fine. You can have

-25 grand for two pilots.

-OK, you wanna do this

-the hard way, do you?

-Stop fucking up my office!

-You are all mental. You can

-have your 25 grand but just get out.

-OK, OK.

-You, all of you, out! Go!

-You, all of you, out! Go!

-

-I'll see Catrin for the cheque?

-Get out! Out!

-Turn that bloody thing off.

-Come on, come on, out!

-CHEERS

-S4C Subtitles by Gwead

-.