Pennod 3 Dyddiadur Dews


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Transcript


LineFromTo

-*

0:00:000:00:00

-This is when I normally

-explain what happened last week.

0:00:020:00:07

-Huw, OK.

0:00:100:00:11

-We're ready to go for one.

0:00:120:00:15

-Have you had a practice?

0:00:160:00:18

-They can't hear me over that.

0:00:190:00:23

-I have to mow the lawn before

-Gran comes back. She'll go mad.

0:00:230:00:28

-I'll be finished in thirty seconds.

0:00:280:00:31

-It's going to rain.

0:00:310:00:33

-Then you can carry on.

0:00:340:00:36

-Thirty seconds?

0:00:360:00:38

-Action.

0:00:390:00:40

-Hello and welcome to Dyddiadur Dews.

0:00:410:00:45

-HUWI SWITCHES LAWN MOWER ON

0:00:450:00:48

-This is the part when I normally

-explain to the viewers...

0:00:530:00:58

-..what happened last week.

0:00:580:01:00

-I don't have to do it this week.

0:01:000:01:03

-In the next scene...

0:01:030:01:06

-..Gwyndaf and I are discussing

-what happened last week.

0:01:060:01:11

-All you have to know

-is that it's 2003. OK?

0:01:110:01:16

-Enjoy the programme

-and welcome to Dyddiadur Dews.

0:01:170:01:21

-The mower has gone.

0:01:230:01:25

-The mower has gone.

-

-It fell off.

0:01:250:01:27

-Huw. Huw!

0:01:280:01:30

-Are you OK? What happened?

0:01:310:01:34

-I've trashed the mower.

0:01:340:01:37

-Bring it up.

0:01:380:01:40

-The petrol will go the wrong way.

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-BLEEP

0:01:460:01:47

-Pull it up!

0:01:470:01:49

-OK.

0:01:570:01:58

-OK.

-

-Is it OK?

0:01:580:01:59

-CHAPTER THREE, GOOD SHIT, MAY 2003

0:02:000:02:03

-You're wasting my time.

0:02:040:02:06

-You made me look like a ****** clown

-in front of everyone.

0:02:060:02:10

-Teledu Tirlun wants to make

-a series with you.

0:02:100:02:15

-They gave us ten grand up-front.

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-They gave us ten grand up-front.

-

-What for? A bloody circus show?

0:02:170:02:21

-It won't all be like that.

-Comedy is the bait.

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-Everyone likes comedy.

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-You said it was about farming.

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-They think

-they're getting Benny Hill.

0:02:320:02:35

-We only had 20 minutes

-to do the pitch.

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-I had to find an angle. All I've

-got here is a fucking rectangle.

0:02:420:02:47

-Is he alright?

0:02:470:02:49

-He does this all the time.

0:02:490:02:50

-He does this all the time.

-

-Check his tongue.

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-Stick your finger down his throat.

-Clear the airwaves.

0:02:520:02:56

-Dews.

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-Dews.

-

-What?!

0:02:570:02:58

-You have six episodes

-to say what you want to say.

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-I can do that in three seconds. I'm

-not doing it. What are you doing?

0:03:030:03:08

-Huwi! What have I said about dry

-humping Keto when he's unconscious?

0:03:080:03:13

-I'm not expecting a decision now.

-There's a lot to think about.

0:03:130:03:18

-This might help you decide.

0:03:180:03:20

-Lilly has the contracts.

-Read them in your own time.

0:03:210:03:25

-One thousand pounds.

0:03:270:03:28

-Thanks very much for the offer,

-Gwyndaf and Lilly...

0:03:290:03:33

-..but I'm afraid...

0:03:340:03:36

-Where do you want me to sign?

0:03:370:03:38

-Where do you want me to sign?

-

-It's blank.

0:03:380:03:39

-Just put Huw Bach, PLC.

0:03:400:03:42

-Stay out of it, Huw.

0:03:420:03:44

-A film about farming?

0:03:450:03:46

-A film about farming?

-

-Yes.

0:03:460:03:47

-No problem.

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-When can we come to start shooting?

0:03:490:03:51

-When can we come to start shooting?

-

-Where?

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-The farm!

0:03:520:03:55

-There's a problem.

0:03:560:03:56

-There's a problem.

-

-Slow down, Pacino.

0:03:560:03:59

-Psycho.

0:03:590:04:00

-Psycho.

-

-Nutcase.

0:04:000:04:02

-So I have to do all the filming?

0:04:020:04:06

-Keep these coming

-and we'll all be happy.

0:04:060:04:09

-Huw, can I have a word please?

0:04:090:04:12

-Let's go, Spielberg.

-There's work to do.

0:04:120:04:16

-Dews, hear that?

0:04:180:04:19

-Hear that? Sh!

0:04:200:04:23

-Incoming.

0:04:230:04:25

-OK, mother*******,

-say that to my little friend.

0:04:250:04:28

-Bishop, bishop, where are you,

-you synthetic bastard?

0:04:290:04:32

-So sorry.

0:04:340:04:35

-There's fun to be had.

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-Hey, stay safe kids,

-thanks for the juice. Adios.

0:04:380:04:42

-Was he dropped on his head as a kid?

0:04:450:04:47

-He's clean out.

0:04:520:04:54

-Do you mind if I film you?

0:05:010:05:03

-Not at all. I haven't much choice.

-Are you the one on Pobol Y Cwm?

0:05:030:05:07

-SERIES OF BLEEPS

0:05:080:05:10

-Explain to us

-what's in the fertilizer.

0:05:170:05:20

-I'll show you. These are ratios.

0:05:210:05:24

-You choose which to use.

0:05:240:05:26

-Maybe you want

-to boost the nitrogen.

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-This is high in nitrogen.

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-Total nitrogen 34.5%.

0:05:330:05:35

-This is 27.55%.

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-All of that's five.

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-That's 27, and the other one's five.

-Something like that.

0:05:400:05:44

-We should have started ******

-hours ago.

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-At the end of the day...

0:05:480:05:51

-..the economy demands

-too much from farming.

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-It's all about how

-the numbers of acres or fields...

0:05:560:06:02

-..equals the size

-of the herd you have to feed...

0:06:020:06:07

-..equals, um...

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-Fucking hell, Huwi!

0:06:180:06:20

-Why did you ****** drive

-between the artist and the camera?

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-I'm showing how to scatter

-fertilizer all over the place.

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-That was meant to be in the back

-of shot. In the background, Huwi.

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-So the small businessman goes

-to the bank and asks for money.

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-HUW BEEPS HORN

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-He runs into debt...

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-..just so that he can keep up

-with the supermarkets' demands.

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-And then what happens, the

-supermarket puts pressure on him.

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-They demand a higher standard

-for lower prices.

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-So in no time, the little bloke

-can't take the pressure.

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-And then, the business goes bust.

0:07:150:07:19

-The supermarket moves in

-and buys up the business.

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-BLEEP

0:07:260:07:27

-That's classic criminal activity.

0:07:280:07:32

-That's not on.

0:07:390:07:41

-HUW TOOTS HORN

0:07:580:07:59

-GOOD SHIT BY HUWI A DEWS

0:08:000:08:02

-Shit is a feminine noun.

0:08:030:08:06

-There's a mutation after shit.

0:08:080:08:10

-I'd say it's masculine.

0:08:130:08:18

-Turd is feminine.

0:08:190:08:23

-Turd is definitely feminine.

0:08:240:08:26

-Shit is masculine.

0:08:270:08:29

-Damn, I'm out of focus.

-I missed that.

0:08:300:08:33

-That was a good, fast shit.

0:08:340:08:36

-You've gotta be in the right place

-at the right time for shit spotting.

0:08:370:08:42

-That looks healthy.

0:08:480:08:51

-That's what I want, Huwi.

0:08:520:08:53

-That's what I want, Huwi.

-

-Fit shit.

0:08:530:08:54

-In this edition...

0:08:540:08:56

-..we discuss an issue

-that's being swept under the carpet.

0:08:570:09:02

-Some say

-it's a controversial subject.

0:09:030:09:06

-Others say it's taboo.

0:09:070:09:09

-Concentrate, Huwi.

0:09:100:09:11

-The focus has gone.

0:09:120:09:13

-This one!

0:09:150:09:16

-Don't hold your hand over the top.

0:09:160:09:19

-The focus is at your fingertips.

0:09:200:09:24

-Switch it off.

0:09:300:09:31

-He shat.

0:09:320:09:34

-Don't think about it too much.

0:09:360:09:40

-Come round this way.

0:09:410:09:43

-Here it comes.

0:09:440:09:47

-Her shit.

0:09:590:10:01

-Her shit.

0:10:010:10:03

-She shat.

0:10:030:10:04

-They shitted.

0:10:050:10:07

-What happens to the turd

-once she's had her shit?

0:10:080:10:12

-Come with me and Huwi

-to follow the turd...

0:10:140:10:19

-..as it rejoins the cycle of nature.

0:10:190:10:23

-We'll have to go again.

0:10:270:10:29

-We'll have to go again.

-

-I had a job focusing then.

0:10:290:10:32

-Is that water?

0:10:410:10:43

-Where have you been?

0:10:490:10:50

-Where have you been?

-

-I've been filming with Huwi.

0:10:500:10:52

-You're two hours late.

0:10:530:10:56

-I've been on my own while you

-pissed about with that hippy, Huwi.

0:10:560:11:00

-We're not pissing about.

0:11:000:11:02

-Look.

0:11:030:11:04

-That won't get us out of the shit.

-How much gardening have you done?

0:11:080:11:13

-Have you spoken to Gran?

-She tried to phone you all day.

0:11:130:11:17

-Shit. It was on silent

-while we were filming.

0:11:170:11:21

-Go back to the filming, Dewi.

-Just leave us alone, right!

0:11:210:11:25

-Dewi, you were meant

-to be here on Monday...

0:11:320:11:35

-..to mow the lawn, clear

-the gutters and unblock the toilet.

0:11:360:11:40

-This is the fifth message

-I've left on the ****** phone.

0:11:410:11:45

-Call back before six at the latest.

-You're not in the good books!

0:11:450:11:50

-*

0:11:500:11:50

-Is that on? Yes, REC.

0:11:510:11:53

-This is Huwi Bach clocking on.

0:11:550:11:57

-We finished the milking.

0:11:580:12:01

-There's still a hell

-of a lot to do before breakfast.

0:12:010:12:06

-I'm trying to recruit

-another helper.

0:12:060:12:09

-You probably know him

-quite well by now.

0:12:090:12:13

-Dews goes on and on

-about how much work he does...

0:12:130:12:18

-..and how hard it is...

0:12:180:12:21

-..in this modern day

-farming lifestyle...

0:12:210:12:24

-..that there's

-no time to do anything.

0:12:240:12:27

-Let me reveal all.

0:12:280:12:30

-It's half past twelve.

0:12:320:12:34

-And where's Dews?

-I bet he's still in bed.

0:12:350:12:39

-There he is.

0:12:390:12:41

-Get up.

0:12:420:12:44

-Look at the state on him.

0:12:450:12:48

-Quite impressive.

0:12:500:12:53

-What has he got under there?

0:12:540:12:56

-Get up, Dews.

0:12:580:13:00

-That's stiff. Get up, Dews.

0:13:010:13:04

-DEWS TALKS IN HIS SLEEP

0:13:050:13:08

-Don't bite.

0:13:090:13:13

-What's this?

0:13:160:13:18

-Cream.

0:13:200:13:22

-We're just peering into the world...

0:13:230:13:26

-We're just peering into the world...

-

-Sorry, sorry!

0:13:260:13:27

-We're just peering

-into the world of Spielberg.

0:13:290:13:33

-What's this?

0:13:350:13:36

-I'll have a peep at this now.

0:13:370:13:41

-Sleep, Dews.

0:13:470:13:48

-"She pushed me back onto

-the bed and pulled my skirt up...

0:13:500:13:54

-"..and my knickers to one side

-to she could see my..."

0:13:540:13:58

-BLEEP

0:13:580:14:00

-"She bent forward

-and I remember shivering.

0:14:000:14:04

-"She turned round quickly..."

0:14:040:14:08

-BLEEP

0:14:080:14:09

-Dews, get up!

0:14:100:14:12

-Del has a slightly one-off

-technique of getting Dews up.

0:14:160:14:21

-Did you try to wake him?

0:14:250:14:26

-Did you try to wake him?

-

-Yes.

0:14:260:14:27

-You'd better get up, Dews.

0:14:310:14:33

-Tell him to move.

0:14:330:14:35

-Right-o, Del.

0:14:360:14:38

-No effect.

0:14:390:14:41

-It didn't do anything to him.

0:14:430:14:46

-Del lost his temper and let rip

-but Everest still stands.

0:14:460:14:51

-Everest is still unconquered.

0:14:510:14:54

-Do it again, gentler this time.

0:14:550:15:00

-Where are they?

0:15:070:15:09

-Dels.

0:15:120:15:13

-Dels.

-

-Fuck off.

0:15:130:15:14

-What's wrong?

0:15:150:15:17

-Fuck off.

0:15:170:15:19

-I told you.

0:15:190:15:21

-What's wrong with Delme?

0:15:210:15:23

-What's wrong with Delme?

-

-He's angry. He's pissed off.

0:15:230:15:26

-What's going on?

0:15:270:15:29

-Pastie, his pedigree dog,

-has had puppies.

0:15:290:15:35

-That's good news. How many?

0:15:350:15:38

-Seven.

0:15:380:15:39

-Why the fucking fuss?

0:15:400:15:43

-He'll get a thousand pound

-for that litter.

0:15:430:15:48

-It's a pedigree litter.

0:15:490:15:52

-Yes, yes.

0:15:520:15:55

-I told him often enough.

0:15:570:15:58

-I told him often enough.

-

-I see his problem now.

0:15:580:16:00

-He paid good money

-to have her neutered.

0:16:000:16:03

-He took her to be serviced.

0:16:030:16:06

-He said it was definite.

0:16:060:16:10

-He bought him loads of pints.

0:16:110:16:15

-No wonder he's upset.

0:16:150:16:17

-United Colors Of Benetton.

0:16:180:16:20

-He's furious.

-We can wind up him about this.

0:16:220:16:26

-United Colors Of Benetton.

0:16:260:16:29

-Good girl, Pastie. Ignore them.

0:16:310:16:35

-Live and let live.

-The underdog strikes again.

0:16:360:16:40

-The outsider.

0:16:410:16:43

-Fuck Delme.

0:16:450:16:47

-PUPPY BARKS

0:17:010:17:02

-It's not our fault...

0:17:130:17:15

-..that the townsfolk...

0:17:150:17:19

-..catch listeria and salmonella.

0:17:190:17:23

-We've spent more time...

0:17:230:17:25

-He's having a shit now!

0:17:250:17:28

-We've spent more time...

0:17:280:17:31

-But there you go.

0:17:310:17:33

-If you insist on living

-in a pasteurized, sterilized...

0:17:330:17:38

-..fat-free, vacuum-packed...

0:17:380:17:40

-..Silicon Valley.

0:17:420:17:44

-Fucking Huwi.

0:17:450:17:47

-I'd get more sense

-from one of these.

0:17:480:17:52

-All the government is doing

-is distancing society from nature.

0:17:540:17:59

-You can't do it.

0:18:020:18:04

-You wouldn't like that

-on your cornflakes.

0:18:040:18:08

-I don't get time to eat

-cornflakes in the morning. Action.

0:18:080:18:13

-I have here a mug of black coffee.

0:18:130:18:17

-I'll get milk

-straight from the teat.

0:18:170:18:23

-I'll prove once and for all,

-live on television...

0:18:240:18:28

-..that there's fuck all

-wrong with it.

0:18:290:18:32

-Fill it up, Huwi.

0:18:320:18:34

-Fill it up, Huwi.

-

-Sure?

0:18:340:18:35

-Yes.

0:18:350:18:36

-Yes.

-

-Right-o, Pacino.

0:18:360:18:38

-A little shit won't harm you.

0:18:390:18:41

-It's a proven medical fact...

0:18:420:18:44

-..that bacteria

-is good for the immune system.

0:18:440:18:47

-I'll drink this

-and I won't die of listeria.

0:18:490:18:54

-Because I'm at one with nature.

0:18:550:18:57

-There you go.

0:18:580:18:59

-There you go.

-

-Thanks Huwi.

0:18:590:19:01

-Bon appetit.

0:19:010:19:03

-Right, then.

0:19:040:19:06

-What the hell did you put in that?

0:19:110:19:14

-What the hell did you put in that?

-

-She has a touch of mastitis.

0:19:140:19:16

-You're not supposed to drink it.

0:19:180:19:20

-You're not supposed to drink it.

-

-Knob!

0:19:200:19:21

-Fair play to Dews.

0:19:220:19:24

-Always ready to dip his tongue into

-the sour milk of modern politics.

0:19:240:19:29

-I'll do shots of you.

0:19:300:19:32

-I want to do a piece to camera.

0:19:330:19:36

-Three, two, one.

0:19:410:19:43

-Action.

0:19:440:19:45

-There's been a lot of fuss...

0:19:450:19:48

-I'll start again.

0:19:500:19:52

-There's been a lot...

0:19:530:19:55

-Huw! Huw!

0:19:550:19:57

-Give me 45 seconds,

-roughly 45 seconds...

0:19:590:20:03

-..and then let her have it.

0:20:040:20:06

-The same again?

0:20:060:20:08

-Give me roughly 45 seconds.

-I'll try hand signals.

0:20:080:20:13

-If you don't hear "acid rain"

-or see a hand signal...

0:20:130:20:17

-..after roughly 45 seconds,

-let her have it.

0:20:180:20:21

-You were too close then.

0:20:210:20:23

-You were too close then.

-

-Let's go Spielberg.

0:20:230:20:24

-Action.

0:20:250:20:26

-There's been a lot of fuss lately...

0:20:270:20:29

-..about how intensive

-farming effects the environment...

0:20:290:20:34

-..methane in particular, and

-its effect on the ozone layer.

0:20:340:20:38

-Fucking hell, Huw! Fucking hell!

0:20:390:20:44

-Huw!

0:20:460:20:47

-Huw, it's all over

-the fucking camera.

0:20:510:20:54

-What are you fucking doing?

0:21:020:21:04

-Fuck's sakes.

0:21:050:21:07

-It's all over the fucking camera.

0:21:080:21:10

-Try one more time.

0:21:130:21:15

-There's no point.

-You're just dicking around.

0:21:160:21:19

-There's shit everywhere.

-That's close enough now.

0:21:200:21:25

-Fucking hell, Dews.

0:21:250:21:27

-You slipped.

0:21:280:21:30

-Damn!

0:21:310:21:32

-Shit!

0:21:350:21:37

-Yes?

0:21:550:21:56

-Yes?

-

-Can I come in?

0:21:560:21:57

-What do you think?

-Look at the state on you.

0:21:570:22:01

-Huwi was pissing about.

0:22:010:22:03

-You're not coming in.

0:22:030:22:05

-The shit is in the bag.

-I just want a shower.

0:22:050:22:09

-I don't want you here at all.

0:22:090:22:11

-How many missed calls

-have you got on your phone?

0:22:110:22:16

-Shit.

0:22:160:22:17

-Mabli had a party today.

0:22:180:22:20

-You remember now.

0:22:210:22:22

-Is she there?

-I'll have a word with her.

0:22:230:22:26

-She doesn't want to speak to you.

-She's breaking her heart.

0:22:260:22:30

-I'll make it up to her. I promise.

0:22:310:22:33

-Just stay away.

-I can't do this any more.

0:22:330:22:38

-I haven't done it on purpose.

0:22:380:22:40

-I haven't done it on purpose.

-

-No, I understand that.

0:22:400:22:42

-The camera means more to you

-than your children's happiness.

0:22:430:22:47

-You understand, do you, Lowri?!

0:22:480:22:50

-You don't understand **** all.

0:22:500:22:52

-I don't give a ****, do I? Fine!

0:22:540:22:57

-I'll act like someone

-who doesn't give a ****. Stuff you.

0:22:570:23:01

-Stuff you all, OK?!

0:23:010:23:03

-S4C Subtitles by Gwead

0:23:470:23:49

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0:23:490:23:49

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