12/05/2013 EastEnders Omnibus

DOOR OPENS

-You all right?

-Yes.

You know you can get ones that don't need screws?

We had one at the Vic. You just push it against the wall

and you turn these knob things... What?

That's not what I want. I want praise.

-OK. Well done.

-I want praise with conviction.

Michael, it's a baby gate!

I'm someone who loathes and despises DIY with a passionate contempt.

This represents a miracle. A miracle.

What I want from you is...awe.

That's amazing(!)

-Minus the sarcasm would be nice.

-OK. Well done.

Seriously. Well done. It's a brilliant thing you're doing.

-Not just for Scarlett, but for Tommy as well. Yeah?

-Thank you.

-Whoa!

-That's not going to hold.

I wouldn't do that. It's not finished yet.

-What time's she bringing her over?

-One.

You do know it's five past?

-You can go now.

-Thanks.

Sharon... Any chance you can have Lexi for half an hour?

There's one or two things I need to do over at the Arches.

You all right?

Yeah, yeah. Just women's stuff, you know.

-What women's stuff?

-You don't want to know.

Look, I've got to pop to the chemist's. OK?

-But you're all right, though, yeah?

-Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

-Won't be long.

-Yeah, see you in a bit.

-If you want lunch, you'll have to get it yourself.

-So, you ain't even...

Mum, what are you doing?

I'm altering that shirt that your gran got you.

You been going through my stuff AGAIN?

-What? You worried I might find something?

-No.

Well, then, what's your problem?

When was the last time I even wore a shirt anyway?

You can wear this one.

-MOBILE PHONE BEEPS

-Who's that? Billy?

Yeah. I'll answer it later.

-Have you spoken to your mum?

-Not yet, no.

So what happened to "a deal's a deal"?

What? You're not even going to reply?

-I said later!

-All right, calm down.

I'm hungry. I'm going to the caff. Thanks, yeah? For nothing.

Why DO you think she was coming out the doctor's?

Why? You praying it's terminal?

No. I'm just curious.

Press the cow button.

MOO

See? And then the sheep.

BAA

It's good, right? She'll like that.

-It's ten past.

-Hmm.

-You really should call her.

I'll decide when I call her. It'll be fine.

I asked you to quote for two silver-service waitresses, OK?

And you've gone and whacked a load of commission on top!

Yes, I would like to speak to your manager.

I don't care! I'll hold!

HE SIGHS

Is that what they call straight in Poland?

It's only temporary, boss.

Might be temporary to you, but it's my life. Make it straight.

-I wasn't talking to you!

-Am I really putting my money into this?

-Why, what's wrong?

-Apart from it being incredibly pretentious?

For a start the French for "square" is "place".

-IN FRENCH ACCENT:

-La Place. Feminine.

-NORMAL ACCENT:

-Secondly, if you're going to ride in late on the whole dotcom thing

then it all needs to be in lower case

and thirdly, we're not even IN La Place,

-we're on...

-IN FRENCH ACCENT:

-..La Rue Turpin.

-NORMAL ACCENT:

-But apart from that, it's perfect, partner.

I think you'll find this is what's known as a post-modern joke.

-Isn't that right, Ian?

-Yeah, yeah. Not everyone gets it.

Yeah? Hello? Hold on, hold on. You listen to me, OK?

JANINE'S PHONE RINGS

I asked you for a quote, only the quote you've given me isn't a quote,

because all of a sudden, it includes a whole load of commission!

Aren't you going to get that?

Do you know what?

I don't think I am.

What's a post-modern joke, then?

I have absolutely not the faintest idea.

-Anyway, what do you think of all this, then?

-The whole thing's a joke, if you ask me.

Cos it went so well last time Janine put money into one of Dad's bright ideas!

Are you going to honour your original quote or not?

Right, fine, you can go to hell, then.

I don't believe this. I've got to find two new staff now.

What was that for?

Just go after her, Ian.

I haven't got time, all right? And that's STILL not straight!

Do some work, will you?

It's now quarter past one.

If something HAS come up, can you ring me, please?

Do you want mustard?

I should've known. I should've known...something...

Why don't you just go and find her?

You don't know how that woman's brain works. This is textbook.

It's just cynical. Deliberate ploy.

Michael, you can't give up. Not again.

You were so excited about it this morning!

What happened to you taking her to feed the deer in Clissold Park?

The good news is that I've three hours to myself.

So, that is something.

So, I wonder what's on at the pictures. Do you know?

The arrangement was that she'd call me.

Yeah, but what difference does it make?

I don't want it to look as though I'm being pushy.

She'll phone me when she wants to.

Was there anything else?

DOOR SLAMS

He needs your support, Lucy.

He's got you, hasn't he? He's got Janine.

-You can see the stress he's under.

-Which he brought upon himself.

-Yeah, but you're not exactly helping it, though, are you?

-What?

-I don't really see how it's my responsibility.

-Lucy, it's your dad!

What? You want him to have another breakdown, do you?

Come on, Lucy. Just apologise!

Can I have a cup of tea and a bacon sandwich, please, Luce?

Marie, I've got to pop out for a minute again.

Can you just take care of him?

Phil asked me to look after Lexi. I made an excuse.

-So?

-Lola, I'm doing what you want.

A bit of appreciation wouldn't go amiss.

I'm sorry, Sharon, that's quite rude of me, isn't it?

-How are things with you?

-Hard.

-Hard...

I still got the pills if you want 'em. Or I could chuck them away. It's up to you?

-What is this? Some sort of test?

-Lo.

-Poppy said I'd find you in here. Guess what?

-What?

Only waiting for me on the mat when I went home just now.

Had to open it. Couldn't help meself.

We've got a date for the final hearing!

Two weeks on Thursday, we're going to get Lexi back for good!

Well, you could try looking a bit more excited!

Yeah, I will be, when I actually get her back.

-Well, I'm celebrating. Who wants another cup of tea?

-No, thanks, Bill.

I'm going back to work.

Sharon, I'm relying on you. Yeah?

How's your mum? All right, is she?

-See you, Pops.

-Lo!

-Going to work.

Starting the seventh, yeah.

Preferably young. Preferably attractive.

Yeah, I'll hold...

-Did you get hold of your mate?

-I don't have mates.

You know, the bloke who was going to have a word with Moneybags... Whatshisname?

-The property-developer investor bloke...

-To cut the ribbon?

-Yeah.

Champagne dinner for two, innit?

Trouble is, who would I bring? I don't even like champagne.

Not you, whatshisname!

Yeah, I'm still here. How much? And that does include commission?

Listen, mate, I'm opening a restaurant, not the Royal Mint.

You can forget it, all right. Bye.

-What do you want?

-Denise says I've got to apologise.

-And that's it, is it?

-I can't help the way I am.

And I can't help who I am.

If you want me to sit around for the rest of my life

twiddling my thumbs then fine, get yourself another dad.

-LOUD CLATTER

-Oh, blimey. You all right?

I would like to point out there's health and safety notices all over the site,

and I'm presuming you had the time to read them? What have you done to my sign?

It's Jozef, isn't it? I'm laying you off for the rest of the day.

-What?

-Get yourself down the hospital, get that seen to.

-I want you back here first thing in the morning.

-Do I still get paid?

-No, of course you don't get paid!

-Dad, I AM really sorry.

Lucy, unless you've got two silver-service waitresses

stuffed up your sleeve, willing to work for minimum wage, I'm not interested, OK?

-PHONE RINGS

-Thanks for getting back to me, Gemma.

Here you are.

We're not going to have this conversation again, are we?

What conversation would that be?

About you telling me how much you don't care.

I have a special dial in my heart, Kat.

I can just turn it down at will. Then it's fine.

-I thought your heart was broken.

-I was drunk then. I'm not now.

Why don't you call again? She might not have heard the first time.

No.

-Something might've happened.

-Why are you still here?

Aren't you supposed to be back on that stall with Bianca?

She'll be fine for a bit! Will you stop this?

I've seen the other side of you, remember?

That night in Spain when you spoke about your mum?

I was VERY drunk then.

Doesn't mean it wasn't real.

All right, the next morning it was like nothing had happened,

but you have to stop this "I don't know how to feel" routine.

Why are you still talking? What is your point, precisely?

Hello? >

What happened to the little one?

Three guesses.

You're joking?

-Where are you going?

-Going to do what you want me to do.

-Right.

-I'll wait here for you.

-No need.

Is he all right?

I'm going to go and clean the bathroom. It's been needing doing all week.

Oh, no!

I didn't do anything, I swear. It just came off in my hand.

Hello?

Nobody's been talking about me this morning?

Why would anyone be talking about you?

You haven't heard anything about any doctored photographs...?

Doctored photographs? No. I'm intrigued, though. What sort...

-Move, move, move...

-Excuse me!

-..Move, move...

Michael? Michael, you all right? Hey!

A fortnight on Thursday.

No, no, I ain't told Phil yet, but we're all real excited...

-Where is she?

-Peggy, I'm going to have to call you back. What?

-Don't muck me about. Where is she?

-What you talking about?

I was supposed to be having Scarlett. You know something.

No, she told me to man the phones. I don't know what you're on about. Honest.

-Can you give her a message for me, please?

-Yeah!

Can you tell her I know what she's doing, I know why she's doing it,

and she's not the only one who can play dirty?

-Can you remember that, Billy?

-Yeah. Course, yeah.

-Great.

Have a nice day.

And then he lay me off, the whole afternoon, for this!

I have wife, three children.

Daughter getting married September.

-How I going to pay for it?

-I don't know, but you know what?

Drinking away your money in a pub isn't going to help, is it?

I can't go back to boarding house until tonight.

And man get lonely.

OK, you know what? No, no, no, this is on the house. Yeah?

-No problems, darling, OK.

-Any sign of Trace?

That was Trace on the phone. She's having a few family problems.

-She'll come in later.

-Oh, I thought we were going to make babies...

Hold on, shush. You might want to keep your voice down!

-So...

-What?

-You don't want to know how I got on at the doctor's?

-Yes, of course I do! What did he say?

-OK. So he checked me out.

-OK, right.

-Apparently I'm in pretty good nick for a 35-year-old.

So it's all systems go.

OK. But just...keep it between us...?

-Why?

-Rox, I just don't want everybody knowing my business

-and asking questions, not with my track record.

-All right.

We'll keep it quiet, but the sooner we get started, the better.

OK. As soon as Trace is back here, we'll snatch a half hour, yeah?

A half hour? You can manage a half hour?

Yes, obviously that includes a shower, cheeky.

Yes, darling, what can I get you?

He's drilled the hole too big. That's the problem.

-I don't know what to do.

-I'm just thinking...

DOOR OPENS

-I'm sorry. It was an accident, it's my fault.

-Well...?

You're an idiot.

-That's a bit unnecessary, ain't it?

-Not now. Leave me alone.

-Why do you keep pushing me away?

-I said, leave me alone!

-I'll go to work.

-Yeah.

It's for the best.

So, we'll see you in a couple of weeks...

What do YOU want?

Lola, um...

Well, spit it out, then.

-You know what we were talking about earlier in the caff?

-Yeah?

It's not that I want the pills, but I can't really sleep...

Right. You want your pills back. See, there's a problem,

I kind of flushed them down the toilet last night.

Oh. Course you did. Probably for the best.

Yeah. Not that that'll stop you from getting more, though, will it?

Look, I don't feel very good about myself right now, if that helps.

Well, then, you know what you need to do? Tell Phil.

Seriously, Sharon, you're going to have to tell him.

And I will. I promise.

I've spent all day doing this, Dexter.

-The least you could do is try it on.

-What didn't you get about earlier on?

-Oh, just try the shirt on!

-Oh, so you've seen Cora, then, yeah?

-No. I'll see her when I choose to see her,

not when you've got my arm forced up behind my back.

-You seemed all right about it on Friday. What's changed since then?

-You just don't get it, do you?

This is the woman who dumped her baby on social services

over the colour of her skin.

I AM that baby, Dexter! What am I supposed to do?

Just forget about it?

-Mum, where are you going?

-I'm not doing this because I want to,

I'm doing it to shut you up!

He seems to think there's some photos going round, but...

Really?

I don't really want to know. Curiosity's a dangerous thing.

Once you see something, it cannot be unseen.

Janine? I'll be straight back.

You can't leave your stall...

We're closed.

I was just knocking off.

Yeah, I thought you might be.

I just wondered if you fancied that drink?

Yeah.

-Michael...

-Alice.

-I remember my mum had this problem once

when she was trying to put a shelf up.

And it sounds silly, but if you put a matchstick

alongside the Rawlplug, then it's usually enough to hold it tight.

Michael, I've just seen Janine with Scarlett going into the house.

Think before you speak, for Scarlett's sake!

Hello.

You look upset.

Hand her over.

Why? I thought we weren't playing pass-the-parcel?

I've spoken to Billy and I know what you did.

Where were you at one o'clock?

I changed my mind.

What?

Well, knowing that temper of yours, it just... didn't seem like a good idea.

And it turns out that I was right. Luckily the laptop isn't broken,

but next time, I'll be calling the police.

We had an arrangement.

Oh, I've left her in there all by herself.

Can we talk about this some other time?

What you waiting for, Michael?

See how often you get to see her with an injunction on your head.

I'll send her your love.

HE SCREAMS

-I think that's done it.

-That's it! Well done, darling.

What happened?

Right, I'm going to go and pick Tommy up from playgroup. All right?

Then go and ask Alfie if he'll have him tonight

because WE need a proper talk, yeah?

-So, when did you learn to sew?

-I've been doing it all my life.

As long as I can remember.

-Learn it at school, did you?

-No, my mum taught me.

I don't know why I bother, though.

Spent all afternoon sewing, for him to refuse to try it on.

Kids!

Don't talk to me about kids.

I-I don't mean you.

Obviously.

Whoops!

Sorry, Alfie, I'm late. Sorry.

Don't worry about it. You OK to hold the fort for half an hour?

Only me and Roxy have got to...

hashtag too much info. Anyone asks, I'm not here, all right?

I had a word with that bloke. He's going to try and sort it for you.

Oh, thanks, cheers for that.

Remember that bloke I was telling you about? The one I told to go to hospital?

-Please don't, Ian...

-I'm not going to be mucked about.

-Oi! I thought I told you to go to the hospital.

-I've been!

-You liar!

-Now, you listen...

-No, you listen to me.

Tomorrow morning, you are going to get an official written warning.

And if you step out of line again - just by one inch -

-you'll get your cards. Do you understand me?

-Please, Dad. Not now,

especially not here.

Can you get him a drink, please?

-What is all that about?

-Oh, right. Like you care.

I've got four weeks - four weeks - to get this restaurant open.

-I've tried doing it by the book and THIS is where it gets me!

-Dad...

I know I get wound up. I don't know any other way.

Well, I've been thinking about your waitress problem

and I might have an idea...

You all right, Trace? Just popping upstairs, all right?

I put my foot in it, cos I'm nervous.

You understand, don't you?

I'm nervous as well.

I'd really like to sit down and have a normal conversation with you

but there's no reference points.

I mean, our only reference point is I was abandoned

and you did the abandoning. So how do we get over that?

Got any bright ideas?

-Daddy!

-Daddy!

Go on, go in the front room.

Alfie!

< Daddy!

What do you want?

I was wondering if Alfie could have Tommy for the night because...

Michael's in a bit of a state back at the house,

and I wouldn't ask if it wasn't important.

Shall we pretend we haven't seen that?

It's no skin off my nose. You do what you want.

So, can you look after him or not?

-Yes.

-Cheers.

Tommy, I'll see you tomorrow, darling, I love you.

It's not that I didn't think about you.

It was more...

I couldn't allow myself to think about you.

Do you understand the difference?

Every day, on your birthdays...

Cora, I don't need this.

-I was hoping to find you in here.

-Wow!

Is that the shirt you was telling me about? My goodness!

You look like a right bobby-dazzler!

Dexter, sorry I can't do this. It was a mistake.

-Sorry. I know we had a deal...

-What deal?

Ask him.

-Where have you been?

-Sorry, Phil. I lost track of time.

Four o'clock, I get a phone call from the gym club.

No-one's come to pick up Dennis.

What day is it? I thought I'd arranged with Tanya. Is he all right?

Yeah, Dennis is doing fine. I'm the one who's climbing up the walls!

Why didn't you call me? I been texting you, I've been calling you.

-Where have you been?

-I just needed some time to myself.

Do you know what this is?

-It's the date for the final hearing. Two weeks on Thursday.

-Phil..

When I need you, you go swanning off. You can take over here.

-I need to talk to you...

-It'll have to wait.

-I need to go over the Arches and sort some stuff out.

-I can't.

-What do you mean, you can't?

My hormones are all over the place.

I need to lie down.

What's happened to the baby gate?

I need a drink.

Thanks a lot. Are you not going to ask me why?

Apparently not.

I've just been over to the Vic, right...

I'm not interested.

It's not always about you, you know?

I'm upset now!

-I don't care.

-You don't care?

What do you mean, you don't care?!

Has something happened that I don't know about?

-No.

-So...what, then?

-Why is it always me worrying about you?

-I never asked you to.

-Right, come on, you're scaring me now.

-I'm fine. Just go away.

I coped with my mother.

I'll cope with this. Janine...

..Scarlett...

Just...

..close that door on your way out now.

Hey!

Aha!

Alfie!

Good luck!

What?

I hear you're trying for a baby!

Oh, hello. You got something to say to her?

Like what?

-I think you know what.

-No, I don't.

Baby, come on.

Michael, sorry. I know you're upset about Scarlett.

When you see her, which you will...

I'm going to stop you there.

Cos it's thrilling, it's really interesting,

but I have a VAT inspection I need to be at.

I'm sorry, he's really hurting.

Alice. No, tell me that ain't who you're crushing on.

-Who? Psycho?

-No...

Are you serious?

Babe, I ain't an expert in these things,

but the way he looked, he didn't look interested.

Here, what do you think of that?

You should go for it.

Yeah, it's all right, but I'll never get to see you.

Yeah, you will, it's a bit of extra money,

and besides, we've got a wedding to plan.

I didn't tell her!

Rox, I said quite clearly...

She found the leaflet, Alfie. I'm sorry.

Are you playing games?

I'm not... You're the one playing games,

you're the one that doesn't want her to know.

No, no, I didn't quite say it like that, did I, eh?

Alfie, are you serious about this baby?

Because, listen, if you're not, if it's too soon, we don't have to...

Rox, stop, stop.

Yes.

I'm serious. All right?

OK? I'm serious.

I've got to go, cos I'm going to be late.

Don't be mad at me.

No, Rox, stop, I'm not mad, all right?

I've got this whole landlords' beer-tasting thingamajig.

Go and get changed then. Go on.

-You OK?

-Yes.

Sure? OK.

See you later.

I'd have thought Max would've give you an hand,

seeing as you're in the family way.

And that Cora! "I'll only be half an hour," she said.

That was four hours ago.

And when she comes back, if she comes back, she won't say thank you.

You see, the trouble with me was that I was brought up with manners.

I mean, them Branning men have never been no good with washing machines.

Give us a corner. Come on, give us a corner.

I'll help you.

That's it.

No...

Together. Now don't get near, keep it stretched. Right, up we go.

There we are, and now I will come to you.

There we go.

Dad, please? Just 50 quid.

No, Lauren, I've got a kid on the way, haven't I?

I've got this big project and I need a new camera lens...

Look at the state of you.

I'm not going to give you money just so you can pour it down your neck.

You want money, Lauren? Go and find it yourself.

Ugh!

You all right?

Yes. I was asking him for 50 quid.

You been out all night again, ain't you?

Yes. Not like I've got anything better to do, is it?

Ian's looking for a waitress.

I thought that job was for you?

Yeah. But he's taking on two.

You should earn a bit of cash.

Show Joey you can hold something together.

Last time I worked for Ian Beale, I got sacked.

I pushed his bin over.

He's all right. He's mellowed.

Oi!

Is this your idea of getting the cement?

I'm getting the cement! After my break.

You've had enough warnings. You're fired.

Yeah, he's a bit of a plonker. Got a bit of a temper.

Don't think anyone else is going to go for it.

It's not Whitney's job. It's a free world. Anyone can go for it.

I've got a date.

Please come with me first.

Does this look all right? Thought it looked better on your stall.

No, it looks lovely.

Right. Well, we're going to go to a film first,

and then we're going to go to a roller disco.

A roller disco?!

Yeah. What's wrong with a roller disco?

Nothing's wrong with a roller disco. Just...

Please come with me, Mum. Please?

I really want to take the kids on some nice days out this summer.

You don't need me for that.

No, but it's evening work, ain't it?

And I thought whoever gets the job, we could share the shifts.

Ah!

Jay, you're always working late!

No, I'm not.

I am, like, so totally bored of revision.

Yeah, well, Phil did say we've got to finish this by tonight, innit.

Well, Lola wants to get her mind off the hearing now she's got a date.

She's got a date already? That's wicked.

Yeah, but she's really nervous and going out...

Listen, Abi, babe, babe. I'm working!

So? It's not like you spend any of your money on me, anyway.

Hi, hi, hi! You ready for tonight then?

They're not coming now.

What? Oi! You promised us a night out!

Hey, good news about Lexi!

You told everyone then?

Listen, you two go and we'll come and meet you in a little while.

Well, maybe we'll go and find some mates with money instead.

Good idea. See you later.

See, the thing is, I wanted to tell you myself.

Why didn't you?

Must be serious then.

It is. You know it is.

Starting a family. I'm happy for you.

Yeah.

Little brother or sister for Tommy. And Amy.

You'd like that, wouldn't you? Little baby to play with?

If that's what you want, if you don't think it's a bit too soon.

That's why I wanted to tell you myself.

Cos I knew it would hurt you.

But I'm not hurt, am I? I'm fine.

You're fine, Roxy's fine.

Good luck to you, that's what I say.

Just hope you two have more luck with it than what we did.

Hiya. Um, Kat was just...

Fine.

Fine. I thought you were just coming up to get changed, that's all.

All right?

You nervous? I'm nervous. I shouldn't be nervous.

I bet you're not nervous. No?

No. Have you seen Lauren anywhere?

She doing it as well?

-Yeah.

-Lovely.

Application forms?

Yes, thank you.

I thought this was your dad's restaurant?

It is. I'm just helping.

-I'll have two then, please.

-What?

Lauren's going to be here any minute. Thank you.

-Hi.

-All right?

You ain't nicking my job!

-Cheers.

-Bianca's idea.

Ian's going to need more than one waitress, ain't he?

I did know that.

-You know, Michael was really upset earlier.

-Sorry?

When you scrapped his visit.

It just escaped my mind.

You're really not being fair, Janine.

So what do you think I should do?

Shall I go round and comfort poor Michael?

He doesn't need comfort. He needs to see his daughter.

Let's get going, shall we, Scarly? Yes.

Excuse me.

He's got a VAT inspection now. But he'll be home later.

VAT inspection? Poor Michael.

Excuse me.

Is it going to be a boy or a girl?

Um, I don't know.

Well, when you know me, you'll know I ain't one to gossip...

..but Jim's grandchild is Jim's grandchild.

And it don't seem right that the poor little creature

should suffer the sins of the fathers.

So I'm going to knit it something, and I need to know the colour.

Can't you do yellow?

-Yeah, yellow would be lovely.

-But I ain't got no yellow.

Crisps or biscuits?

You know, when you get your cravings?

Crisps.

I'll do it blue. Ta-ra.

And what you going to do in a couple of months when you ain't showing?

I'll be pregnant by then.

Not 13 weeks, you won't be.

It's been a month since you told him. And you still ain't pregnant.

Right. Tommy's asleep. Amy's watching cartoons.

Everyone is happy as Larry. Whoever Larry is.

Rox, listen, sweetheart. I invited her up. All right?

I just wanted to explain everything to her

so I could put the record straight.

Good, good. I'm glad.

I just wish you didn't hide it from me, you know.

Enough with the secrets!

I understand. Listen, I don't have to go to this thing.

Tracey can't make it in, and Fats has got another night off, so...

Go.

Listen, I'll be back before you know it. All right?

See you later.

Yeah, right. The last time he went to a landlords' do...

Make a night of it, Alfie. I can cope.

Yes?

Here you go.

Bianca?

You all right, Ian?

Always happy to help an old colleague,

with my years of experience in the catering industry.

Yes, but we at Le Square,

we're aiming for a more, younger, professional clientele.

Great. Tips.

With a younger, more sophisticated workforce.

You saying she's unsophisticated?

No, he's saying I'm old.

Yeah, well if she's old, what about me?

Are you applying an' all?

No, I'm hanging up my washing.

Well, Carol, I would've thought you'd have known

to wear something more age-appropriate for a job interview.

Don't want to put people off their dinner, do you?

I'm sorry, you're not what we're looking for.

-So I'm all right frying bacon?

-We all have our position in life.

Ian, you can't say that!

All right. Take me to a tribunal.

Come on, Bianca. There's only so much Beale you can take.

Know what, Ian? I could sophisticate you under the table.

Right. If you two can follow me.

Lucy!

Can we wait a minute? For Lauren? She'll be here.

No. There's no time. Sorry.

Bruv, you're going to get kicked to the kerb.

Abi is going to find herself someone with some dough.

If you'd ever had a girlfriend, maybe then you'd understand.

Are you mad? I've had plenty of girls, bruv!

I want to take Abi somewhere nice.

None of this doing everything as a group.

-I just think she finds you boring on your own.

-Whoa!

Trust me, there's nothing boring about me!

Oi!

You being filthy about my daughter?

No, I weren't saying that!

That's exactly what he was saying, Max.

I was just saying, I'm going to take her somewhere nice.

Yeah, somewhere nice. That's what she deserves.

Nicer than what you've got in mind, that's for sure.

I told the buyer first thing. Pull your finger out.

So, me and Abi. Watch this space.

I'm watching.

Lucy, look, I appreciate everything you're doing. I really do.

But it's going to be my restaurant, OK?

Time for the first trial.

Sorry.

-Can you just try it again?

-I told you.

He's tried it three times. Ray's tried it, I've tried it.

Kirsty's tried to try it.

I fix it. 50 pounds. Pay for my boarding house.

Thank you, no, I don't need any help. Cheers.

Then I do it for a beer.

Didn't I just say no?

You've got to pull the plug out. Wiggle it a bit.

I do know, Kat. I did used to own this pub.

Where is the plug?

Sorry.

Right, ladies.

-The winner is...

-Poppy.

I was just going to say Poppy.

Thank you! Oh, thank you! This is just evenings though, yeah?

Cos, you know, I have got a proper job during the day.

Not that this isn't a proper job.

Just means me and Fats,

we can get some nice furnishings for our new flat.

You know, cos you want nice furnishings, don't you,

when you move into a new flat?

Sorry, I'm babbling again, aren't I?

Anyway, good luck. And thank you!

Right, well, that means we have one vacancy left.

So, it's time for the final round.

Sorry I'm late.

That's all right, take a seat.

Love a bit of free food, me.

I guess that means I get you?

Well, that wouldn't be fair, would it?

All right, Luce, I got your message. What's going on?

Is this your only account, Mr Moon?

Yep. Single stream. That's the one. There we go, yep.

Are you going to be much longer?

Oh, not interrupting, am I?

I just thought you might like to see your daughter.

I do. Hello!

Hello! I'm working now, though.

I just spoke to your little minion and she said you were quite upset.

No. I'm fine.

I thought you might like to come round and put her to bed.

Suit yourself.

Well, can I come round later?

Later's not convenient. No. Scarlett's got a regular routine now.

I can't see how these reconcile.

-Do you want to come, or not?

-Mr Moon?

Can you just give me a minute?

Well, don't say I didn't try.

Mr Moon?

Mr Moon?

Another drink for the birthday boy?

And one for the landlady, too!

How you doing babe? Sash?

Sash, calm down. What's wrong?

-You want to calm that lot down.

-And I will.

Me and Alfie, we used to...

Kat. Thank you.

Excuse me. Just do me another. A little one.

No, I think you've had enough.

Jean's getting frazzled over here.

Right, if I have to tell you again, you're out!

-Sasha's mum's had a car accident.

-What?

They said she's going to be OK.

But she's at the hospital and Sasha's going crazy.

-OK, you need to go. You need to go.

-I know, but...

Ray, we'll manage. It's fine. Go.

Roxy, I don't mind giving you a hand.

No, I'm fine. Thank you.

Pepper, sir?

Yeah. Yeah, that'd be lovely, thank you.

LUCY CLEARS THROAT

Pepper, sir?

Can you say it like you mean it?

Pepper, sir?

It still didn't really sound like she meant it.

I don't really like pepper.

BABY CRIES

Michael, I put a word in for you!

I saw Janine in the shop earlier,

and I told her she had absolutely no right to do that.

She's just been in to the gym,

gloating at me and rubbing my nose in it.

So thank you, again, for nothing.

Come on, Alice, you don't want to be late for your date.

Yeah, yeah, babe. Your date.

Yeah, I'm sorry, Michael, but Alice is just very, very popular.

Is she?

So, who is it then? This date?

It's...

it's a friend of Fats'.

And he is, like, super-keen,

so I'm not going to let you let him down, all right?

Yeah, right.

Thanks.

You should be happy, now you've got a hearing date.

Well, I think you're amazing.

All that patience, biting your tongue,

and now it's paid off, hasn't it?

Yeah, but what if I mess up or say...

Er, no. You always told me,

you've got to keep that picture in your head,

of the day you get your baby back.

Is that how you do it, yeah? You keep a picture in your head?

She's fought months for this.

Abi, Abi, ignore him. He ain't worth it.

I used to fight people like you, you know.

People that think that they know best. But you know what?

It turns out you can't do that.

So that is why I keep that little picture in my head, yeah.

Yeah, I might lose a few battles.

But I will win the one that actually counts.

Unfortunately, there's only one place left.

Whitney.

Lauren.

Lauren, you've tried really hard.

But...

Ian. Thank you very much for seeing me,

but I don't think this is for me.

What? Whitney, what are you doing?

You've got the job.

I'm pulling out. Lauren, the job's yours.

Congratulations. Start next week.

Well done.

You ain't mad at me, are you?

You are too nice.

Oi, come on, let's all go for a drink.

With her?

Yeah, I'm fine with that.

Joey? Want to come and celebrate Lauren's new job?

Yeah, course, yeah.

Well, maybe, when I've locked up. Just a little one.

See you in a bit, love.

Well, I'll see you there.

What if you can't get pregnant?

That ain't an option.

You said that three weeks ago. It ain't that easy.

If we had a baby...

Hi. Whenever you're ready, yeah?

How are you even managing to sleep at night?

Tell him the truth. Or tell him you lost it.

The thought of his face...

The truth always comes out.

If I'd told Alfie, maybe he'd have understood. But I left it too long.

You need to sort this out. Because everyone thinks your pregnant.

This is getting out of control.

I've... Um, something's come up.

We've just lost Ray.

And we're running low on change.

Yes, OK, Jean.

I've got to do this now. Sorry.

So, where you taking me?

I haven't been paid yet, have I?

She said she wanted a night out.

And you'll get one.

Taxi for the wimpy kid!

Jay, have you any idea how stressful exams are?

Yeah, course I have.

Like you've ever sat one.

That is why I'm going to take you on holiday.

Really?

Yeah. I'll save up, get the exams out the way.

We'll go, I dunno, camping or something.

Whatever.

We're meant to be cheering Lola up, to take her mind off stuff.

I'm still here!

Don't worry, you can come as well. Bring Lexi once you get her back.

Don't jinx it.

That'll be like, so, totally amazing!

Oh, no, it won't! I told you two, I ain't no gooseberry, all right.

Then Dexter can come too. Just as mates. It'd be so fun!

-He ain't coming.

-I'm telling you.

D'you know what, just forget it. I ain't got no money anyway.

Jay!

It's all right. Dexter will pay for you! Won't you?

-Oh!

-You spending my money for me again? Why you doing this, bruv?

Nice, innit?

I keep telling you, bruv, don't do that, man!

You all right?

-Back early.

-I was...

It was quiet.

Lauren wanted money for a camera lens.

I'm sure Abi's going to want to do something when her exams end.

This ain't going to be easy, you know?

Trying to pay for four kids.

Maybe you won't have to.

I can't just drop them, can I?

Can't just leave one family, start another one.

That ain't what I meant.

Even Lauren, she might be 19. She's still my kid, ain't she?

Still going to cost me.

Max...

I'm sorry, babe. It's not your problem, is it?

Just listen to me...

I shouldn't have said anything. I don't want to worry you.

We'll be fine, all right?

DOORBELL BUZZES

Look, just leave it.

-I'll just tell them to go.

-Please?

Hello?

Look, I told you, you've got to pull the plug thing out.

And I told you I know what I'm doing.

Maybe we should do them in the kitchen.

You've left the till open.

Would you give it a rest, you?

That bloke is watching the till.

No, no, no, I don't want you washing up glasses in the kitchen!

Just go and serve someone.

We still need some change. Shall I go?

No, I will go and get change. OK?

Excuse me, can you get back behind your side of the bar?

He was about to rob your till!

You're not landlady anymore.

He was going to thieve your takings.

OK, fine. Fine. Oi, you! You're barred!

-What have I done?

-I seen you.

Seen what?

Hey, hey, leave it.

I do nothing!

You heard her. Out!

Let's go.

Look, if you leave the till open you're inviting trouble.

What, like you invite trouble?

I'm just saying...

I'm just saying, don't. OK?

Roxy, I'm trying to help you.

And I keep telling you, I don't need your help!

You don't live here any more. You don't work here any more.

So why don't you just get back behind your side of the bar?

I just stopped you from being robbed.

Do you know what? Get out.

Out.

You were going to get some change.

I hope Kirsty likes them.

I mean, she said yellow, you know, just in case, you know,

but I didn't have no yellow wool,

and anyway, all the signs are for a boy.

Oh, yeah?

I think you can always dye them, although I've never been wrong yet.

You see it's your body, it knows. It never lies.

Thank you, Dot. We were just actually talking.

You know, it doesn't take long to make 'em. Not little booties.

Tiny little feet.

I had the wool off one of Jim's cardigans.

Waste not, want not, as my Auntie Gwen used to say.

And then I thought, well, Jim's little grandson,

wearing something he's worn.

That's really thoughtful, Dot. Thank you.

I know he'll never be another Bradley.

You'd have liked Bradley, he was a lovely boy.

He was so kind, so thoughtful.

I know you can never replace what you've lost,

and I know you've got Oscar, but, well...

Another boy.

Well, you was talking, so I'd better be off.

Don't worry, don't worry, Max, I'll see myself out.

Thank you, Dot.

A little boy, eh?

She thinks because I get salty cravings.

I don't care what it is.

Boy, girl.

As long as it's healthy.

Michael, you can't just pretend that Scarlett doesn't exist.

If she wants a fight, she'll have to find someone else to fight with.

Let your plans be dark and impenetrable.

Like the night.

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

Alfie?

Alfie, I thought you were out.

Alfie?

FLOORBOARD CREAKS

Just go to sleep. Please.

SCARLETT CRIES

Shush. No, no, no. Come on.

Come on. Shush, shush, shush, shush, shush. Come on.

That wasn't very clever.

Oh! I thought I'd be the last.

Lauren just popped home for a sec.

OK. Well, to Lauren and her new job.

If she ever turns up.

Where's Roxy?

She's upstairs getting changed. Look, Kat, she asked you to go.

Please go. Because I just can't take the stress any more!

I want the cash.

There is a packed pub full of people downstairs.

All I've got to do is scream.

It's noisy. They won't hear you.

Oh, they'll hear me!

Open the safe.

< Roxy? What are you doing?

Jean. Jean! (No, no.)

I'm just getting the change. I'll be down in a minute.

Right, see? Now, I've got a pub to run.

So, what are you up to tonight? As a single person?

See, when you break your legs when you're roller skating...

Oh! The bitterness of the terminally single. Ha ha.

MOBILE BEEPS

Oh.

Oh, I don't believe it! Has he stood you up again?

-What are blokes like, eh?

-He's not stood me up.

Well, you aren't going to go on a date dressed like that, are ya?

Janine, would you mind ringing our bell, please?

-I need Whitney to babysit.

-She's gone out.

-So go and get her.

-Oi! Don't talk to her like that.

-Sorry, did the dishwasher say something?

-Change your own nappies.

If Whitney can't do it, Auntie Bianca has to do it, right?

Well, Auntie Bianca is busy, actually.

JANINE SIGHS

-She having a laugh?

-Ignore her.

I called it off.

I give you one more minute.

Give me the money!

Didn't your mum teach you to say please?

Kat, go and get the kids. Go and get the... Oww!

I'm not leaving. You're leaving. Let her go.

-Tell your friend to open...

-She's not my friend.

-Kat...

And you're not my friend either. But my little boy's next door.

So let her go and get out.

Look, I thought you was a nice bloke.

You know, you're working hard, you send your money home to your family.

-I need the cash.

-What, and this is how you're doing it?

You're doing this cos you've had a drink. You're not thinking straight.

I've done some stupid things when I've been drunk

but I've never wanted to rob a pub.

Come on, let her go.

You won't get an invite to your daughter's wedding.

Amy!

-(Amy.)

-Hello darling, couldn't you sleep?

This lovely man here was teaching your mummy how to dance.

That's enough now, you can go.

Sorry.

-Oh, just five minutes, Billy.

-I'm having my dinner, Janine.

Oh please, I've got an emergency at the R&R.

What emergency?

I just really need you to look after my daughter...

-You need to keep her moving. Michael used to walk her about.

-Thank you.

Can rely on you to point out the obvious.

Janine, I'd love to help you. But I'm busy.

-Since when did you have a life?

-Excuse me!

Please, keep walking.

Why don't you ask Alice, see if she'll come back?

Michael's little fan club? I don't think so.

Thanks for absolutely nothing, Billy.

See, your eyes are the windows to your soul.

Which is why you always need to make sure you've got nice curtains.

He's stood me up, hasn't he?

Will you have a bit of faith, please?

He hasn't even met me and he's already stood me up.

(Just trust me, all right?)

This is NOT a date.

Just... just breathe and go with it. Just breathe go with it...

-Just breathe?

-Come on.

I bet you've all been laughing at me.

Running around, making a fool of myself.

No one's been laughing at you.

Well, you'd have let me go out in that top, wouldn't you?

Yeah, cos it looked lovely on you.

Fancy selling it to me. And letting me buy that lipstick.

Mum, you're only as old as you feel.

All right well, you tell that to Ian Beale.

Is this cos of what he said?

(MIMICS IAN) "Don't want people put off their dinner."

That's just Ian for you. Take no notice. He can't help himself.

It's like a condition.

Look at me, though. I'm in my fifties, you know.

Thinking of going roller skating in a top meant for a teenager?

Change the top.

Ah! Oh right, so you DID think it looked stupid.

No. I think you're scared.

-I do, cos you've met a new bloke and you know he likes you.

-Does he?

Yes, course he does. You're a right catch.

Better than that moany old thing he used to be married to.

Look, if you don't want to go roller skating, just tell him!

Anyway, I'd be careful at your age,

don't want to go breaking any bones, you old mother.

Just go and find him, will ya?

I've told him I've got food poisoning.

What you up to?

-They're dead to the world. The pair of them.

-You all right?

Yeah.

She'll wake up in the morning and think it was just a dream.

You knew, didn't you? You knew he was going to do that?

Like you said. I always invite trouble.

I'm going to call the police anyway.

No, there's no need. Look, everyone makes mistakes.

He won't come back here.

ROXY SIGHS

Kat...

..thank you.

-Bit scary though, innit?

-Yeah, a little bit.

I tell you what, if that was my Aunty Peggy, he would be out cold.

Why don't I go downstairs and help out for a bit?

And you stay up here with Amy and Tommy?

Only for half an hour. I don't mind.

-Yeah?

-Cheers.

I bought these things for you.

I've got a house full of things.

I'll just... I'll leave them there. Just in case.

-Come on. That's enough now. Come on.

-Sorry about earlier.

With those geezers, they go through your drawers,

-think you're hiding stuff, it's a nightmare.

-Come on.

Come on. Shush.

Oh!

-Shall I?

-Oh!

Ho, ho, ho, ho...

Oh. Is that better?

Is that better?

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

How are you?

WHITNEY LAUGHS

-Lauren!

-All right? Sorry, I took a bit longer.

-You look amazing.

-You meeting someone nice?

Don't let us keep you.

I was saying. We'll have to pop in for your first shift.

What? So you can all just laugh at me?

No. It's a night out, nice food. Joey, you should come?

Yeah, you could check out Ian's restaurant.

Yeah, it sounds good.

Lucy, you can get us a discount, right?

So, all of you just sitting on a table? Watching me work?

-I didn't mean it like that.

-Yeah, the four of us, night out.

We haven't done that in a while.

Yeah, uh...

Right, I ain't got a drink, so...

That makes a change.

Go and talk to her.

Me?

She's obviously hurting, and I can't get through to her. So...

I think she needs a bloke's opinion on... (Joey).

-I have got a life!

-I know you've got a life, Billy.

You know you've got a life. So, what does Janine matter?

Roxy just needs a minute. What can I get you, Lauren?

-Vodka.

-Right.

So, you both like ketchup.

And you both like films, don't you?

Not all films.

Yeah, but you like the cowboys ones. The Westerns, right?

Yes! Real men and strong women!

-Right?

-See?

Yeah, I mean we've got so much in common. I'm scared.

You both, erm... You both hate rom coms.

Me and Fats, we love romantic comedies.

No. No, no, no, no.

I only watch them... and I only found one of them funny.

Anyway - it's not important... it's not important...

-What is important is that you both HATE them. And I think that's... cute.

-Cute?

Yeah! it means you can, you know, hook up

and watch a little western, you know?

Yeah, and then we can get married

and have loads of kids and live in the kingdom of Walford...

Hi, hi! Is this a date?

YOU'RE the one should be on a date. You spent hours in that bathroom.

Took you five minutes, didn't it? To turn into your mum.

I've been looking everywhere!

I, um... need help with my homework.

Er, give us a look, then.

I've left my books at home, ain't I?

Hmm. Carol said you all had food poisoning?

JANINE CLEARS HER THROAT

Proper little Daddy's girl, isn't she?

She just needed someone different, is all.

I told you it was hard, right?

It's hard!

It took me... weeks.

Scrub that, it took me MONTHS to know what to do, finally.

-Poor you, coping all by yourself.

-Didn't mean it like that.

It's the difficulty I'm referring to, you know.

You get tired, you get grouchy and then the baby picks up on that.

And then you get locked into this spiral of being...

..it's hard. It's really hard. I get it.

She likes walks, you know. She likes going for walks.

She likes apple puree, you know, on your little finger, if you like.

And buses. She likes watching buses.

JANINE SIGHS

-You know where this'll end up.

-Yeah, well, if he ain't interested,

then I ain't going to bother trying to impress him.

-Thought you was broke anyway?

-Well, I convinced Wojciech

that it was a British tradition to buy a stranger

a drink on his birthday. Wojciech! Thank you!

You know you don't have to babysit me.

I'm sure Lucy's much more... interesting.

-You're interesting.

-And you're patronising.

-Why do you do that?

-What?

Push people away?

Because they all go anyway. So, I'm just saving...

I'm saving everyone some time.

He doesn't even notice me.

-He notices you.

-Does he? I mean, look at me!

-I got all dressed up tonight.

-And you look gorgeous!

-OK, come back over.

-I know.

What has she got, Tyler? Why does he want her now and not me?

I don't think he DOES want her.

That's not what it looks like.

OK, OK, if he does want her - and you want him -

then you've got to get yourself over there and fight, OK?

I mean, Whitney was with Fatboy. If I'd just thrown in the towel...

I just love him so much. I really do.

And I just - I want it to stop. And it won't stop!

-You all right?

-Yeah.

-I just got to change this barrel.

Tell Billy he's got a life.

Bianca?

You know? Actually, I think I might be OK with that homework.

Really?

Do you want to come and help me brush my hair?

Er... Yeah, it's your hair. It's lovely.

Nice to see Tiff's feeling better.

And you.

I'm sorry. I've ruined the evening.

Look, if you don't want to see me, you only have to say.

-I DO want to see you.

-Do you?

So...?

I was just...

I thought my family was thinking I was making a fool of myself.

My family think I make a fool of myself all the time.

And I don't care.

I bought new nose hair clippers and everything.

Oh, sorry, I've made a right mess of it, haven't I?

-No, you haven't.

-We've missed the film.

Terrible reviews. And roller disco?

Those kids would only steal our moves anyway.

-Oh, there is a grime night at the R&R.

-Oh!

Or...

..we don't have to go out at all.

I don't think I like grime.

OK.

Well, grime is... Grime.

Babe, we've got to get them out of this misery, man.

-I mean, look at them...

-I know. OK.

Guys. I was thinking...

Sometimes you go out for an evening, and it's not a date, but

you get on so well and the chit-chat just flows

and you think like, "Yeah, y'know this could go somewhere,

"this is like a date", even though it isn't, right?

And then other times, you go out for an evening and...

it's not like that at all.

So, what I'm trying to say is, if this is one of them evenings,

when it's not like the date that isn't a date,

but is like the date that is but, you know, isn't at all...

Then... then if you want to go home, then that's all right.

Great, cos I've got stuff to...

I've got some ironing to do, so... Bye, then. Have a good night.

And you, babe. Don't worry, baby, you tried.

Oh, sorry!

-What?

-Nothing.

Well, you're looking at me.

Why does everything have to be a battle?

-Like what?

-Like I'm after something.

You're always after something.

I'm not!

I was married to you.

Technically we're still married.

Not for much longer.

-You setting me free, are you?

-Setting YOU free?

-Now what?

-Why can't we be grown-ups?

Because that would be boring.

And this is you and me? We have to be different to everybody else?

Why are you being so nice?

-The day we got married...

-Don't say you're going to get all slushy on me.

I don't do slushy.

The day we got married...

It was full disclosure, you recall...

I told you all about Jean, I told you all about the money,

the faults, you know, all those horrible little truths.

And you took me on, faults and all.

I'm not going to get back with you, Michael.

I don't want you to get back with me.

No, no, no, I'm merely saying that you forgave me.

And I forgave you.

See, and everything else - it seems to me

that we can work through this and sort it all out between ourselves.

Together. You know, the allocation of time. Who gets what, the hours.

We can do it all like grown-ups.

Cos I think we're bigger than the people we think we are.

-So if you need help with Scarlett...

-I don't need any help with Scarlett.

Me and Scarlett are coping just fine.

-Yeah.

-Michael, thank you so much

for bringing these lovely things that you've got her.

I'm glad that they're already in a bin bag,

because it saved me the trouble.

Well...

You never cease to sink to your own expectations, do you?

-You don't have to do this.

-I don't mind.

-I tried that plug thing.