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What is it? Go back to bed.
Janine, she was here!
Who was there?
For goodness' sake!
What have you done?!
-She's in there.
-Have you hurt yourself?
I'm telling you she's in there!
-There's nobody's in there. Come on, let me get you onto a chair.
-I'm telling you, she's in there!
There's nobody in here. It's completely empty.
You must have been hallucinating. How many of those pills have you taken?
I'm telling you, she was there.
Wearing the same dress as in the photograph.
Sorry? What photograph?
Who are you talking about?
Was it a bit loud?
No, I woke up and you weren't there.
Same old, innit.
I got straight off, come two o'clock I'm wide awake and buzzing.
Just gave up in the end.
Can I guess?
There's nothing to guess. It's just...
just something I go through now and again, innit.
-So it's got nothing to do with what Tanya said...
-No, course it ain't.
Only I'm not sure I'd be altogether overjoyed to learn my ex was starting a new family.
Not that he could manage it.
Am I warm?
As far as I'm concerned, she can do what she wants.
It's just the kids, you know?
Once junior comes along, they're going to get forgotten about. It's not fair on them.
I think it's about time you and I stopped pretending.
I think the reason you can't sleep...
..the reason you're so upset...
..it's got nothing to do with the kids.
I think it's cos
you've never quite fallen out of love with her, have you?
Max, look at me.
Honest answers only.
Yes or no?
Don't usually see you in here at this time. What you doing?
Couldn't sleep. Needed to get out of the house for a bit.
So you haven't had a row, then?
-You and fatty boy?
-No, nothing at all.
-Are you sure?
-Yeah, I'm sure.
-Has he been coming on to you?
Oh, no, he hasn't, has he?
-Honey, I've been there.
Even the nicest-seeming guys can do the most dreadful things.
-Has he hit you?
-It's nothing to do with Arthur at all.
-So what, then?
I went to see a solicitor on Friday.
I have an immigration hearing, in...
I've screwed up so bad.
-It was a mistake getting married.
-They'll think it was a scam to keep me in the country.
What did Fatboy say to that?
He wasn't there. I haven't been able to bring myself to tell him.
Honey, another coffee, please.
You just... You haven't taken on nearly enough liquids.
That is what all of this is about.
My time is up.
I am not having you die on me.
What are you talking about?
You've been praying for this!
I mean in my living room. Far too much hassle.
About my funeral.
Are you not listening? There is going to be no dying.
-That's an order.
-I don't want one.
Good, because you're not going to have one. Not yet.
-And when you do...
-The doctors can do what they like with me.
I mean, there's nothing worth salvaging anyway.
I rather relish the idea of young medical students gawping over my innards.
"Where's her heart?" they'll say.
"Extraordinary. She doesn't appear to have one."
I've never told you this, young lady, but I rather like you.
It's that defiant streak.
That refusal to be anything other than you are.
Well, I wonder where I get that from?
Do you know, just to cheese you off,
I'm going to give you the most fantastic funeral.
Loads and loads of hideous floral tributes.
You know, ones that spell out "Grandma" in lilies.
Tasteful, you know? And I, I will be chief mourner, dressed all in black.
With a little pillbox hat, and a veil, and maybe some fishnets...
Why do I always feel so filthy at funerals?
Oh, and there'll definitely be a choir.
I think I can stretch to that. What song would you have?
Yes! We Have No Bananas.
She's there again!
-Next to your father!
-look, it's just a picture.
-She's as real as you or me.
This is it. Now, come on, help me.
-What? Can you just stop this?
Or I'll start being extra nice to you.
Or something else you'd really hate. And I mean it.
It's not true I don't have a heart.
-I DO have a heart.
And I do know how to love.
Because I loved her.
All right, then, let me ask you another question.
Do you think I'm stupid?
No, course I don't.
Cos I have got eyes and ears, Max.
Underneath all that big hair and make-up, I have got a brain.
And I notice things.
And while I'm
long enough in the tooth to know that all relationships
require a bit of give and take...
..I'm not so dumb as not to know when I'm becoming second best.
Babe, that ain't true! I got loads of respect for you.
I'm not talking about respect.
All right. Well, let me ask you a question. This word "love".
What do you think it means?
I'd rather hear what YOU think it means.
It means loads of things.
You know, "I want to possess you.
"I want to control you. I want to be controlled BY you.
-"I need reassurance."
-That's what you think love means?
I think that's what other people muddle it up with.
So, what is it, then?
It's about trust.
Being truthful. Wanting to put someone else before yourself.
Babe, none of that...none of that applies to me and Tanya.
It's just emotional cat-and-mouse, innit.
Stupid, ridiculous, never-ending game.
And who's winning?
So, what you doing here?
Are YOU going to tell him?
Or do you want me to?
There isn't a day goes by when I don't look at him
and find myself having a conversation with him in my head.
Shame he was such a slug.
Yeah, well, I'm not going to be sticking up for him.
I know what he was like.
But it's not rational, is it? Some people you find yourself forgiving over and over again.
Not me. Any hope of that died when she died.
And all I was left with was bitterness and hatred...
and my money.
Ooh, how he hated that.
Money doesn't buy you very much.
But it does buy you power.
I want you to do something for me.
-In the bedroom, in that drawer, there's a biscuit tin and a bundle of letters.
Bring them here for me.
-What are you doing in there?
-Oh, I'm just coming.
-Did you look at it?
-Look at what?
Of course you looked at it!
You wouldn't be the Janine I know if you didn't.
No, I don't know what you're talking about.
You didn't come across my will while you were rooting about in there?
Be very odd if you didn't.
-Considering the time you were in there.
I saw it, you know. So what?
Why don't I quite believe this display of studied indifference?
Where's the resentment? Oh, come on, girl, let it out.
You'll feel so much better afterwards.
All right, so what is the Cancer Nurses Trust anyway? I've never heard of it.
-They looked after your mother during the final weeks of her illness.
-Well, who'd've thought it?
Lydia Simmonds, lady bountiful, selfless philanthropist and all round good egg.
That's more like it.
A trace of disappointment.
Look, if it's for a good cause
and it helps you buy your way into Heaven, then why not?
These are all of Mum.
Supposing I was to tell you we're talking well into seven figures,
would that make a difference?
Would that light the gleam of avarice in your eye?
What are you trying to do, Granny, torture me?
Is that it? Because, let me tell you, it isn't working.
Yes, but just think, Janine. With all that money,
you could end up as happy and fulfilled as me.
Think of what you'll be missing.
I would rather have these.
-You are as British as me.
-That's not quite British enough.
Oh, come on, Fats, you know what she's talking about as well as I do.
Last I heard, there was this thing called law.
-Yeah, and it's against me.
-So, what time we got to be at this hearing?
-All right, well that gives me exactly 5.75 hours.
-What are you going to do?
-Learn to be a lawyer. This ain't over!
So, if what you say about you and Tanya is right
and this is all a big game, then what's all this stuff about?
All that stuff about her wanting more kids was just her next throw of the dice?
Can there be any worse reason for having more children than just to get back at your ex-husband?
So what you're feeling now is exactly what she WANTS you to feel.
So how do I stop feeling it?
By understanding what's going on.
Do you think me and Harry aren't wrapped up in the same stuff?
The only reason you don't know it is cos you don't see it. But it's there.
So how do you manage it?
You see, the sad irony of this is that
you can know all of this and then just carry on the same old way.
Cos it's too scary to do anything different.
What do you mean, "scary"?
To act differently takes courage, Max.
Courage I don't have.
Courage to be a grown-up.
Why do you think I hide behind all that make-up?
Because I'm scared.
I'm scared that if people could see the real me
-then I wouldn't be able to pretend any more.
-Shhh, V, V, V.
Please, please, V.
Cos that's what we're all doing.
You, me, Tanya, everyone.
Well, we could stop right now.
This very second.
Let's make love.
I want to.
What are you doing?
Will you get it off me?
-Why do you want to take it off?
-Oh, just do it!
There you go.
What do you think it's worth, Janine?
I don't know.
Is it solid gold?
If I told you it was priceless, what would you say?
I gave it to your mother the day you were born.
Open it up.
That picture was taken
on your third birthday.
Your mother loved that photograph.
And so do I.
You were such a happy child.
Yeah, well, that's not the way I heard it.
-According to Pat, I was the devil's spawn.
-But that was afterwards.
-Do you know what my earliest memory is?
-No, what was that?
It was of my dad
telling me that Mummy had gone away
and that she wasn't coming back.
I thought he meant to the shops, you know. That was the only
"away" I knew.
I wanted you to come to the funeral.
But he wouldn't have it.
He said you were too young. That it would upset you.
I knew that he was lying, of course.
About the going away bit, I mean.
Not that I could have known what lying was then.
I didn't take it on board that she was dead for days.
Weeks. It just wasn't mentioned.
I can remember being so...
so angry at her for leaving me.
I said to Frank "Who's going to look after Janine while we're all at the funeral?"
And he said, "Oh, I've got this friend I was thinking of asking."
I said, "Is it a woman?" And that's when he starts fiddling with his spectacles,
which was always a sure sign.
-Yeah, well, she didn't come.
He backed down.
I'd've killed him if he hadn't.
I wanted you to come and live with me. You do know that?
When it was being discussed.
Frank said, "I can't run a business and look after a four-year-old."
So I said, "I will."
So, you mean that when I was living with Clare
I could've gone to you instead?
I begged him. Even though the words stuck in my throat.
Cos I wanted it.
-I wanted it so much...
I wanted you...
If I'd had a little girl to look after, things might have been...
Might have what?
Then afterwards he did everything he could to keep you away from me.
I say "he", but I think it was more her by then,
but he just went along with it, you know, coward that he was.
Well, it's a lovely locket.
It's a lovely photograph.
Keep it. Put it on.
-No, no, no, I can't do that.
-Just for once do what you're told, mm?
What time is it?
Oh, I don't know.
It is half past four.
What time does it get light?
I don't know.
Can't be long now.
I can feel it.
Your mother was born at this time of day.
I'd been in labour forever.
And halfway through, the sirens went off...
..and the midwife thought that I might haemorrhage if we moved to the shelter.
So I was stuck under that kitchen table for another three hours
with the bombs falling all round.
No epidurals in those days.
There was no nothing.
I thought, "If this is childbirth, you can keep it!"
Granny, you shouldn't be talking.
It's wearing you out. You need to rest.
And then suddenly there she was.
Bawling and screaming.
"You've got a beautiful
"baby girl, Mrs Simmonds."
And that was Mum?
And then the midwife pulled back the blackout curtain
and it was dawn.
And outside, miraculously,
And the room was flooded with a pale yellow light.
And suddenly the whole thing was alive and just for one moment,
despite the pain, despite the bombs, despite the wretched war...
..it was as if everything in the entire universe
made complete and perfect sense.
As if I'd been touched by God.
Would you be very offended
if I told you that I loved you?
What? What's so funny?
The whole damned thing is funny from up here looking down on it.
Are you really not bothered about the will?
Well, I'm not saying that I won't feel differently tomorrow...
..but right now I couldn't give a damn. Honestly.
So, what about these letters?
Not now. Later.
I want you to take me into the front room.
I want to see the sunrise.
OK, well let me just get your wheelchair.
What you doing?
You go to bed, babe. You're going to need some sleep.
-So do you.
-Yeah, but I'm Superman, all right?
I can do anything.
You know I can't cope with this.
-Knowing that, you know, if I didn't ask you to marry me, then you'd probably stand a better chance.
Well, I'm glad you did.
-I so wish I...
-No, no, no, no.
I know you don't love me, Merce, all right. But that ain't going to stop me loving you, OK.
So just don't blow out all hope.
Listen, Merce, if all this goes wrong, and I'm not saying it will,
-but if it does, then... I'm coming to Nigeria with you, all right? No arguments.
So just say, "Yes, Arthur."
-You know what?
I think I'm going to give up the fags.
Yeah, it's suddenly like I don't need them any more.
It's weird. I don't even want one.
Abi'll be pleased.
Will you marry me?
Are you serious?
Yes or no?
FEEBLY: Pull the curtains.
Open the window. I want to hear the birds.
BIRDSONG DRIFTS IN
-Who'd've thought it? It's amazing.
The world is a beautiful place sometimes.
We forget so easily.
Is it me, or does it look different?
Same old square.
Same old gardens.
I don't know what it is.
It's almost like I've never looked at it properly before.
I know this is going to sound stupid, but...
..it's almost beautiful.
It's like I want to go round and knock on
everyone's door and say "Wake up!
"you don't know what you're missing, you idiots!"
Instead they're all just
tucked up in bed asleep.
They haven't got the foggiest.
Isn't it weird being alive?
I mean, when you really think about it,
it's just so strange.
That's the trouble, though, isn't it?
We don't ever think about it, I mean.
You're not saying much.
This is a bit early for you.
Just getting up or just going to bed?
-This is a surprise.
have a smell of these.
-My dad used to love it when the English strawberries came in,
he reckoned you could start calling it summer then.
-So what happened to Billy?
Must be drunk.
Come on, man. What happened to Billy?
-No notice, no warning. Just, "Here's a 100, and away you go".
-Take him to an industrial tribunal.
Me and Julie are saving up for a flat. What am I supposed to say to her now?
-Well, the sink's blocked.
Where's that plunger?
What are you doing in your jimjams, girl?
Can you just help me?
Why? What's happened?
It's my granny...
What's the matter with your gran?
-We're due in court in less than two hours!
-It's twenty minutes past eight.
You're joking! Erm...
Get up! We're going to be late!
-What were you doing asleep on the table?
-I need a shirt, I need a shower. I need my suit, oh, no!
What is it now?
-I put my suit in the dry-cleaners.
-Don't you have any other smart clothes?!
I'm going to have to borrow one, you know. Wait here, I'll be back!
"A light and airy two-bedroomed apartment
"set within this sought-after development."
-You are kidding, right?
-I like the look of it.
Sy, it's on the 15th floor!
The whole point of us moving was to put us in a better position to adopt.
-When did you bring this up?
-It was just a thought.
I thought we agreed that...
No. You agreed...
We agreed that we would look for a house with a garden, all right?
Bit of space, away from traffic.
-In the suburbs, with good local schools nearby?
-Yeah. Why not?
Because I'd rather die.
Open it up.
It's a wild night, apparently.
-Since when were you into drag queens?
-It's not my birthday.
-What's with the four tickets?
-Tanya and Roxy are coming too.
Roxy I get. But why Tanya?
I thought it might be nice to have someone to talk to whilst you and Roxy are off doing your thing.
I guess it was too much to ask for us to just go on our own, eh?
No, look, I'm sorry, all right?
Come on, let's eat. I'm starving.
I tell you what, I'm absolutely giving them away.
It's a pound a punnet, or three for a deuce, it's up to you.
-Three. I knew it would be, love. There you go, treacle. Enjoy.
-I'll see you after school.
Get your English strawberries here, big, red and juicy.
All right, Pat?
-Surplus to requirements.
-Pat, it's business.
-There's no room for sentiment.
-And what's with the "treacle"?
Are you turning into your dad?
What's up with Janine, eh?
I saw her walking round the Square in her dressing gown first thing this morning.
I gave up caring about Janine a long time ago.
Get your fresh English strawberries here!
They are so red, they are redder than a bishop's face in a brothel!
'Come have a little taster, come along and ask me.'
Why not let whatshisface have a go.
You clearly don't know him very well.
I'm going to have to call the emergency plumber.
Come on, Tanya, I've got two precious hours to myself...
Fine, fine! I'll be there in two minutes.
Michael not with you?
No, I haven't seen Michael all weekend.
Is he having one of his sulks? What's it about this time?
Same as it's always been about, I should imagine.
Huh! An emergency plumber who can't get here till this afternoon. What am I going to do?
-This is where I have to ask myself, "Am I a nice person?"
When I'm not dealing antiques, I can be a bit of a handyman.
But first, I need to hear the magic word.
What magic word?
Well, "please" would be a good start.
Oi! People of the caff, this is my last chance
and I need a suit and I need one now. Anybody?
It's just that me and Vanessa have got a little announcement to make.
What sort of announcement?
Well, don't get too carried away,
but yes, Max has asked and I've agreed.
Oh, wow. That's fantastic.
I don't believe it! Mum, I'm so happy for you!
Well, say something.
And there's something else, isn't there, Max?
You're never pregnant?
I'm giving up the fags.
Dad, that's brilliant!
Can I be bridesmaid? Please, please, please!
Everything else is sorted. You just take that down to the register office
-and they'll tell you what to do.
Is she going to be all right?
It's just that I don't think she should be left alone.
Can you please not talk about me as though I'm not here.
Is there anything else I could have done?
Your grandmother was a spirited lady, her body just gave out on her, I'm afraid.
If you need anything, you know where I am.
Oh, it's OK, I'm her stepmum.
I'll deal with this.
-When did it happen?
-Earlier this morning.
-I'll take over now.
Thanks very much.
Oh, right. Yeah, I'll...
How did it happen? Hmm?
I'd rather just be on my own if you don't mind.
now is not the time.
-When I bought this salon back, in good faith...
-It is a poxy hairdryer, Tanya.
-A poxy hair dryer costs me the best part of 100 quid...
-Do you want me to buy you a new one?
-If I sold you something that didn't work, what would you say?
-Have you checked the fuse?
-You've hauled me all the way down here and you haven't checked the fuse!
-Don't throw a hissy.
-We're going out tonight, remember?
-Yeah. The drag revue?
You, me, Christian, Syed...
Oh, hello, love. Shouldn't you be on your way to school?
Can I talk to you outside, please?
"Greet your guests over champagne
"as they enter the romantic setting of The Moot Hall.
"Walk down the aisle to the enchantment of madrigals
"played by minstrels in a genuine medieval minstrels' gallery..."
I don't know, darling. I'm not sure Max necessarily wants a big do.
Tell you what, we could make it a double wedding!
Like a BOGOF!
Think, Mum - you and Max, me and Darren, walking down the aisle.
-What ARE madrigals?
-Sorry, Jodie, I just need to grab that.
-Can I just show you something...
-Sorry, no. I ain't got time, I've got to get to work. See you later.
The locket. Where did it come from?
She left it to me.
You mean you've already seen the will?
You might want to take a look at it actually.
-Oh, don't bother, Pat. Granny told me all about it.
You and Dad.
-Her wanting to look after me. You stopping her.
-That's not true.
So you're calling her a liar?
All I'm saying is that it was a lot more complicated than you can ever imagine.
How soon was it after Mum died that you jumped into bed with Dad?
I don't know what she said to you,
but don't you ever run away with the idea that your father didn't care for you.
See now, I'm not talking about my father.
I'm talking about you.
You didn't care.
-I'm not having this conversation with you right now.
-Answer the question, Pat. How soon was it?
-We'll talk about it some other time.
-In the meantime, I get dumped with...Clare.
And you wonder why I turned out like I did?
You always did fight dirty, Janine.
I'm going to phone Ricky, cos I don't suppose you have.
MUTTERS: I got Billy to do it actually.
So, Lauren's just told me.
Oh. Yeah, well, I'm really happy about it, so...
Yeah, I bet you are.
You're so transparent, do you know, it's almost laughable.
Well, you did it, why shouldn't I?
Do you really think the kids aren't going to see through all this?
Do you ever stop to imagine the effect on them?
You're having another baby - you think the kids are going to be all right with that?
Do you know what else Lauren told me?
That you'd given up smoking.
And you wonder why they don't trust you.
-What are you doing here?
-Where have you been?
Don't tell me - you've moved in and my gear's in a bag.
I'm looking after Amy and she's playing in her room. I asked you a question!
-Don't mean I'm going to answer it.
-Roxy says she came back Friday night and you'd upped and left.
Where is she?
She wanted a couple of hours by herself. She's really upset.
Sorry to hear that, what a choker(!) I'm going to have a shower.
-Men! Even if we leave now and the traffic is good, we'll still be late.
-He was going to borrow a suit.
-How long does it take to borrow a suit?
-That's the cab.
I can't cope with this!
He says he's been held up and he's going to meet us there.
Why is he doing this to us? Today of all days!
Grandma, please. Not now.
We've got to go.
What do you say?
Sorry, I didn't quite catch that.
Say it again?
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
Right. I'll leave you to take care of this lot.
Maybe put it in the teapot, I don't suppose anyone'll notice.
Listen, I am grateful.
Thanks, you can go now.
Why haven't you been answering your phone?
-Is it any good?
-Why do you never answer a direct question?
What makes you think you can ask them?
Maybe you should read that.
Why? What's she said to you?
She's said everything.
WELL, SHE HAD NO RIGHT!
She had no damn right!
-Why? Because what went on with my mother is not up for discussion.
She knows that!
Hold on, she said that you'd had a row.
-She didn't mention anything about your mother!
Why? What happened?
Michael, what happened?
-Is that him?
Where is he?
We could be called any moment.
Here we go.
It's disgusting, but we need all the caffeine we can get.
I'm not sure I can even drink it, I'm that nervous.
Does he not realise the time?
I should have kept my solicitor on.
-Wicked, I thought I missed it, man.
I'm playing in the yard and I come in the back door...
and I knew something was up.
The house is dark.
Through the kitchen.
Down the hall.
I Look in the, erm...
I look in the utility room.
And I see her foot on the sofa, she's got her slippers on.
I just know.
What did you do?
I just sat there, and waited for my dad to get back.
With this... Sat there with this.
I used to think,
I still think,
"What if I'd done something?" You know, called a neighbour.
Maybe she wasn't dead. Maybe...
Maybe I could've saved her.
Michael, come on, you were six years old.
-You can't possibly blame yourself.
-I don't blame me, I blame him.
He was never there for her.
My dad was exactly the same.
And I never, ever want to forgive him.
It's always easier to blame somebody else, isn't it?
That's what I do. I always blame everyone who ever hurt me, or let me down.
My dad, my mum, men.
But at the end of the day, they're not going to sort it out for you, are they?
There's only one person that can do that.
-FRONT DOOR OPENS
-Listen, I won't say anything if you don't want me to.
Rox, I'm sorry. All right?
-I'm really, really sorry.
She's in her room. She's playing with her doll's house. She's fine.
I'm going to go, OK? Leave you to it.
What are you thanking her for?
Don't touch me, please.
She travelled to the UK with her sister and parents in 2002
on a Nigerian passport
in order to visit her paternal grandmother.
Whilst here, some difficulties surfaced
in the marriage of Miss Olubumni's parents
which meant that when it was time to return to Nigeria,
she remained behind, in the care of her grandmother
who was able to place her in a school in Walford, East London.
So to be clear, Miss Olubumni was here,
for want of a better word, illegally?
Indeed. And this state of affairs might have remained unchallenged,
save for the fact that in the summer of last year,
Miss Olubumni returned to Nigeria,
intending, as I understand, to stay there?
However, she was to change her mind
and return to the UK on a six months visitor's visa
which expired last December.
When this fact was drawn to the attention of the UK Borders Agency,
a notice of directions for her removal was served on Miss Olubumni.
Shortly thereafter, she was to marry a Mr Arthur Chubb...
It's the Home Office's contention
that this marriage was one designed solely to circumvent the removal directions
and as such, should be disregarded when considering this case.
You have no-one representing you today, Mrs Chubb?
Can I say a few words on my wife's behalf, please?
I don't get to see my wife on Saturday nights.
Even before we was married, I didn't.
Which is rubbish,
because I'm a market trader and I work long hours, six days a week.
Saturday's are supposed to be special
and yet I don't see her.
Because every Saturday night,
Mercy goes on a soup run with her church
to feed and help the homeless.
She don't talk about it,
she don't make a fuss about it, she just gets on with it.
Which is so typical of the Mercy I know.
One of the reasons I love her so much.
So to say that she doesn't contribute to society is ridiculous.
OK? Mercy wants to become a teacher and once her A levels come through,
eventually she will be.
She is going to be a great teacher.
So if you send her back,
you're not just punishing Mercy,
you're not just punishing me, you're punishing all of us.
Let's say that she teaches 25 kids a year
and she works a minimum of 30 years.
That's 25 times 30 - that's 750 kids that'll benefit by her staying here.
Who gets to benefit if she goes?
The 750 children she might otherwise teach in Nigeria, I would imagine.
Please, all right? Please.
I've known this girl since she was nine years old.
She's the most loving, caring person that I know, all right?
And sir, you know the Human Rights Act better than I do,
so I can't argue with you on a point of law.
I'm just asking you, as a fellow human being,
just let her stay.
Just let her stay.
"My dearest June. Thank you so much for the photos of the baby.
"She looks a beautiful little child
"and I think Janine is a lovely name.
"I can see now what you mean when you say just looking at her
"gives you the courage to carry on..."
And she turns on me.
-Just like everything that's ever gone wrong in her life is my fault.
-That's typical, Janine, ain't it?
Completely forgetting that this time last week she wanted Lydia dead and buried.
How much was she worth?
Oh, that's another thing. The minute I mentioned the will, she changed the subject.
-Sorry, I'm late but I got a brilliant excuse. Guess what?
Mum and Max is only getting married. I'm so excited!
Is Kat and Alfie about? Only Mum's throwing an engagement party
-so she wonders if they'll flog her a case of champers on the cheap.
I'll give it six months.
-So what's all this?
-It's not me. Blame Jodie.
Babe, can you just tell her it's us getting married, not her?
I've tried to explain to her, darling, but you know what she's like.
-You know, last night...
-Last night was lovely.
-It was lovely and I want to keep it like that.
I want a wedding, babe, not a circus.
I feel exactly the same.
-I don't want any decisions being made that don't involve me, all right?
Only it might be a little bit late to do anything about this Friday...
the engagement party.
What I don't understand is
why couldn't he have told us there and then? Huh?
Why do we have to wait two weeks to hear?
-And why a letter?
-So he doesn't have to look you in the eyes when he tells you the bad news.
It's not going to be bad news. Not after the speech that Fats gave.
Will you stop saying that, all right?! I screwed up!
-You heard what that judge said - and I walked straight into it.
Stop with the whole nicey-nicey thing, it's doing my head in.
"All marriages experience difficulties.
"There's no more difficult time than when you've just had a baby.
"What you call 'indifference'
"could just be tiredness on his part.
"It breaks my heart to think of you being unhappy, darling,
"especially when you're so ill.
"But I'm glad you find comfort in the baby.
"Now she really is the most delightful child.
"In so many ways, she reminds me of you..."
This morning, I saw her wandering around in her pyjamas.
It was odd, but I didn't read that much into it.
-There's a nasty smell around all this.
-Her nan just died.
What do you expect?
I think back to Barry.
I think back to that old Jewish geezer who dropped dead on their wedding day...
Why do you always think the worst of her, Pat?
Oh, come on! I've known Janine since she was four years old
and in my experience the worst is usually there or thereabouts.
Hello! Happy birthday!
-Hey! Like the outfit!
-Thanks. Well, I had to make the effort for the birthday boy, didn't I.
I've never been to a drag revue before. Quite excited.
-Well, you certainly look the part.
Everything all right?
-Christian's just feeling a little old.
How's the house-hunting going?
Hey! Here we are, girls and boys.
How are we doing?
-I'll open it later if that's all right.
-What are we all having?
-No, I'll get these.
-Same again, is it? What do you want, Roxy?
-Gin and tonic, please.
OK, what is she wearing?
-That's a lovely frock.
Christian's in a bit of a mood.
Sy, just leave it out, will you?
-Why? Because he's suddenly realised how old he is?
-I'm not laughing, Rox.
Come on, Christian, for goodness sake, stop taking yourself so seriously.
D'you know what? The truth is I'm just not in the mood. Let's do it another time.
-Sy, do you want ice in your orange?
What's wrong with him?
I think I owe you a drink.
It's not the blocked sink you have to worry about.
It's everything else that's blocked.
Actually, I'm just about done here.
-Some other time, yeah?
-Oh, right. Yeah, yeah.
Well, I'll be damned.
-If it isn't the heiress.
-Come to spend your inheritance?
-I don't know what you're talking about.
I'm just surprised you didn't come dressed in black, wearing a veil.
I'll have a vodka and tonic, please.
What have you been saying to him?
-I don't need to say anything to him, he knows you. Just like I know you.
-Yes, and I know YOU.
So you didn't want Lydia dead this time last week?
I loved my gran more than you will ever understand,
Now I've heard it all!
Oh, you can put on that act as long as you like, young lady,
but you won't fool me.
Not with your track record.
I don't need to stand here and take lectures from you.
I think you killed her.
And you know something?
Everyone else round here thinks it an' all.
So was I very rude?
You've been worse.
So, you, me, Tanya, Roxy, that bar you're always going on about...
Oh, babe, my birthday was yesterday.
Every queen should have two birthdays.
Right, well if I'm a queen then you're my lady in waiting!
Does no-one need any specs today?
Booked a couple of days off.
Can you believe, it's next week?
I hope you're not expecting me...
Denise was wondering how your Mehndi dance is coming on.
-I said she'd have to wait. And enjoy the surprise with me.
Looks like I'm not the only one who couldn't face going home.
Do you think she's dead?
Well, if she is...
tell Nana Pat it wasn't me.
-We're having an engagement party tomorrow!
-V... I'll sort it.
-We can't have an engagement party with half an arch and no ring.
-Babe, I just said we'll sort it.
I'll go this morning.
I'm booked in for a manicure.
When I pick you up after we'll go down the High Street.
I'm not getting engaged with some cheap ring off the High Street.
All right look, meet me at the Tube at one.
We'll go into town, and we'll get something nice. All right?
Oi, where's my kiss?
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
Greg. It's Max.
That arch, mate. It needs to come down.
We're having a party.
I couldn't face coming back.
The flat just...
Well, it felt so empty.
-They could have broken in any time after...
I'm not here about the burglary.
I want him to have a good night,
but it sounds like it might be a bit...sleazy.
Oh, I love a bit of sleaze.
-He's slept with half the guys there.
-I think he's worried I'll cramp his style.
-He shouldn't be giving it any style. He's married.
Well, as good as. Right, you, you sit in that chair,
I'm going to give you one of my special facials.
Tan, I've got clients.
Come on, you want him to be the only person there who's getting attention?
-Really, with this?
-Would you like a...
-No. She's not staying.
-Are you old enough to be legal?
-I'm sorry for your loss.
-No you're not.
It's my duty to investigate.
-She was the last of my grandparents.
-What happened to the rest of them?
Oh, you know, I polished them off one by one.
You'll probably find a couple of heads in the freezer(!)
That's what we do round here when someone dies.
Unless... Unless, of course, you're a vicar
and then you bury them under a tree.
I didn't mean to upset you.
-Who called you?
-It's just a routine visit.
-Was it a whale with earrings?
-Like I said, it's routine.
-Tell you I interfered with the will, did she?
She told you that I told her that I wanted my grandma dead?
I'm not the sort of person to cast aspersions...
-..but old lady suddenly turns up, old lady suddenly dies.
What happened to innocent til proven guilty?
Mercy ended up in court, and she didn't do nothing wrong.
Apart from overstaying her visa.
Yeah, well, they might be just asking questions in there, you know.
Yes, darling, they might.
On the other hand, they might just be going to a fancy dress party.
Oh, my days. She did it do it, man.
-Smiling ear to ear.
Well, just make sure your baubles don't drop, you know.
They might crack the pavement.
Lydia was a poisonous, malicious old witch.
That don't mean she deserved to be murdered.
You were doing so well.
-You patronising cow.
-That's right, just throw it back at me, yeah, why don't you?
Cos I'm the one who makes you, I'm the one who pours you a drink.
Always about you, innit, eh? All my life.
You can say what you like to me, Rai. I'm not going anywhere.
Perfect little Tanya.
Well, if you're so perfect... And look at you.
Look at you, you are perfect.
Just go to bed, darling. Sleep it off, please.
How come your first hubby
goes and sleeps with his son's girlfriend?
And what about...?
What about lovely little thingy, Greg?
Is he playing away too?
Is he playing away?
RINGING DROWNED BY DRILL
MAX'S MOBILE RINGS
You all right, babe?
Nah, nah. He's not with me.
Why don't you tell me what's wrong?
I miss you too.
You know I love you, don't you?
He's either a drug dealer,
-a rubbish superhero, or he's having an affair.
No-one uses payphones these days.
Maybe he's got a secret boyfriend that he sees behind his wife's back. He is very well turned out.
I bet his nails are perfect. Your wife didn't know, did she, darling?
Perfect nails, well turned out, hair like a drag queen.
-People will talk, Vanessa.
I've just got two more appointments.
-Then can I go home?
-Yeah. We'll be fine.
Get ready for my big night out. Check Christian's done his nails.
-Someone didn't get any last night.
Did you get the bubbles for the party?
Yeah. Love bubbles.
Max wanted Cava, but I said you can't get engaged with Cava.
Anyway, you've still got a hand to do. And I've got an appointment with a diamond.
You skiving again?
Don't tell my gran.
Had one of these in the Emporium once.
They're murder to fix.
Could you help me?
Got, um, two left feet.
Well, actually, four... actually, eight...
-and then three of them are broken.
-Five feet are still good.
I thought marriage was meant to be fun.
No, the wedding is meant to be fun.
Marriage...is an assault course.
-You and Mum.
-It's just ups and downs.
-It's not just ups and downs, Dad.
All marriages are like this, Tam.
Dad, the Himalayas are ups and downs.
If I hadn't bought Yusef back, then...
All you did was fall in love with a beautiful, feisty girl.
You're not the first young man ever to do that.
-Dad, you tried to kill him!
-I did not try to kill him.
I saw the bruises and I smelt the petrol.
Then I'm glad you're not my lawyer.
Your father-in-law-to-be is a very clever man.
I did nothing wrong.
Why else would they take her away? I'm telling you, she killed her.
You shouldn't jump to conclusions.
-She was supposed to be caring for the old girl.
-Who you hated.
-Only cos she hated me.
-Why would Janine see her off?
-Tiff said they really got on.
-Money. With Janine it's always money.
Accusing someone of killing someone...
that's a big thing to put on anybody's shoulders.
Every time I give that girl the benefit of the doubt. Every time she proves me wrong.
Carol, do us two buns, please.
Take it from me, mud sticks in this world.
Not to her it don't.
So you have to be careful who you throw it at.
Nobody likes to be thought of as a killer.
So who's the second one for?
-Made a new friend, have you?
You working all afternoon?
No, I'm just here cos I'm bored(!)
Did I ask?
Sticking my nose in. Sorry.
You're right, I don't know her.
She's working all afternoon.
'The way you've grown up this past year, Tam, I'm very proud of you.'
Destroying my family. Go, Tam, good work.
For standing up for what you want.
Standing up to your mum, taking on this place,
-facing us down with Syed.
-I didn't mean to shame you.
I didn't say you were right.
It was very brave.
It's hardly walking into a fire for someone, is it Dad?
No. But I know you would, if you had to.
For your wife. For your family.
You've got courage, Tam.
Doing this little dance...
You with your eight feet.
-Five, who's counting.
You're going to be fine.
You are supposed to be my buddy.
So call me back.
Rainie, give me the bottle, will you?
Give me 20 quid first.
I was meant to be going out tonight.
Well, go on. Don't worry about me. Never did before.
-Didn't you used to have hair once?
-Yeah. Give me the bottle.
-Is that what happens when you marry to her?
-I ain't playing your games.
I wonder if Greg'll start losing his next.
I thought you were doing all right?
So I slipped up. I'm not the first to go back on something people swore they'd never go back on.
-That's it. Enough, enough! Come here!
-Let me finish!
Go upstairs and sleep it off. Come here.
-You're so forceful.
-No-one's laughing, Rainie.
Come on. Bed.
That's what your brother said to me. He's very persuasive, Jack.
I can't deal with this.
But then you'd know all about that, won't you?
Which one was better? Jack or Max?
That's enough! Come on, upstairs.
Come on. Upstairs, sleep it off.
-All right, get off me.
-One foot in front of the other. Keep going.
-I messed it all up.
-No, you didn't.
What if she gets sent back cos of what I said?
-Gents, you gonna go and see Tam?
-No, we were just going to chill at mine.
That wasn't a question.
He's a bit worried about his dance for the mehndi.
And you want some of Fatboy moves, huh?
Oh, oh. Oo-o-oh.
Well, I think he'll appreciate your chips at least.
Do I have to wear a vest top?
Are you sure about this? Cos I tell you something, I'm not.
Course I'm sure.
Why don't we go somewhere else, eh?
-I've booked you a stripper now.
-I hope you haven't.
I'm just really worried you're going to hate it.
I'll just pretend it's a wildlife documentary.
You know, gays in their natural habitat.
Are you trying to wind me up?!
Come on, we never go anywhere like this together.
You never answered me.
About the vest.
So I'm thinking we do a little Bollywood mix and blend and that, you know.
Start off with a love story ting.
-And then, yeah, what we do...
-Watch the menus.
Sorry about that, bruv. But then we do like, the village girl thing, you know, like...
-I ain't doing that.
-Come on, man.
And then we stick in some sick slow-mo street style.
-We've got four days.
And then we scratch it all together with a little bit of baseline.
And then we top it all off with the Slumdog train station, you know.
-Come on, man. Come on.
-I don't really look good in orange.
-Just your skin tone then?
I can't do backflips.
-You might not even be here.
I mean, I'm not being funny, but she can't really do anything
if she's in handcuffs and getting on a plane.
Mercy's staying. In the routine, in the country.
Still, she can't do backflips, can she?
Took ages to settle her down.
I should go and check on her.
Tanya. It's OK.
I just... I just want my sister back, you know.
I know, I know, I know...
You and me...
..we're like that, in't we.
We're like Rainie.
Be as strong as you like and one day you know you're going to fall off the wagon.
Where are you?
I just got your voicemail. I've been working at Max's.
Yeah. I rang Vanessa when you didn't answer.
I thought she might be over at the house with you.
Old bleach for brains didn't want her precious arch interrupting.
So... And she was out.
She was out with Max, so.
Listen, couple of hours a day. We are gonna smash this!
-Couple of hours?
-One look at the Fats' routine
-and it'll be, "Afia, you are the weakest link, bye-bye."
-Yeah. Not that it's a competition, or anything.
-That's what I heard.
No competition at all.
D'you want a drink?
Hey. Listen, about yesterday. You know, flipping out and that.
It's OK. You were stressed.
-You didn't come home.
-No, I crashed at Darren's.
Look, I'm sorry.
About everything, you know.
I just wish none of this had happened.
It's not like it's your fault.
Yeah, but I just want you to be able to stay, you know.
-This is way better than school.
-You're really quick, you know?
Took me months to figure out how these reels work.
So, tomorrow you'll be able to tell your teachers how to win a jackpot every time.
-What are you doing?
-I asked him.
Not got any friends your own age to play with?
I bumped into him. Coming out of school.
-He's only giving me a hand.
-Always let a lady know what you're up to before you're up to it.
Trust me, it'll save you a whole lot of trouble.
I hope you scrub that table down when you're finished.
I'll scrub the table.
Scrub the worktop, scrub the floor.
I've not seen him as happy as this since his dad went away.
Well, it's not easy, is it?
When families are apart.
When you can't see the ones you love.
First a pint, now a cup of tea. People'll talk.
Tell me at least one of these is persuadable.
Just the one?
Tanya says she's going to be another hour.
Good. Tell her not to rush.
Babe. You all right?
-Danny boy, come here! How you doing, you all right?
This is Sy.
-Lovely to meet you.
-And this is Roxy.
-He's the one I've been telling you about.
-Rainie, she had a breakdown.
-And you couldn't even ring?
Could you even hear me over that? Rainie had a breakdown.
Can you hear me? She was going mental, smashing up the house.
And that's your problem, is it?
It was Tanya. She was terrified.
-Oh, poor Tanya.
-Greg was out getting filler.
-You want the house full of holes?
-You couldn't get there fast enough.
Three-year-old in the house...
-Oscar was at nursery.
You want to go round Tanya's and check, do you?
Well, go on!
-I still don't get why Max didn't just come and get me.
-I was only across the road.
-She was out of control, Greg.
-Out of control? He still didn't come over?
-He wanted to come and get you but...
that would've meant leaving me on my own with her. I was scared.
I was terrified, Greg. I've never seen her like this.
-She just came at me.
-What do you mean, she came at you?
She just came at me! With a...kitchen knife.
I was stood outside that Tube station for 45 minutes, Max.
My ex-sister-in-law about to self-destruct
so sorry for not thinking of buying you diamonds(!)
V, the whole world don't revolve around you, you know.
-I didn't say it did.
-My life here...
is complicated. If you can't get your head round it...
Don't you want to marry me?
I'm not saying that at all. I'm saying this has got to stop.
All your little petty insecurities.
Don't you dare turn this round on me.
Me and Tanya, we've got kids.
We've got history... but that's all it is. History.
But if you can't deal with it.
I can deal with it.
She has got to go. It was only meant to be for a few days.
-Greg! She's my sister.
-If she can lose control like that...
She didn't really lose control, honestly.
She came at you with a kitchen knife!
I'm sorry, but she has got to go.
-You told them, didn't you?
-Don't know what you're on about.
You told them a pack of lies.
It wasn't lies, though. Was it?
You know what, I'm so glad that my dad's dead.
So that he didn't have to see what a cow his beloved Pat's become.
And you think he'd be proud of you?
Killing old ladies?
I didn't kill her!
Taking you away in that police car never happened?
You've just got it wrong. All right?
-You've got it wrong. I loved her. And I haven't killed her.
Might have known she'd get you on side.
Tell you what she did, did she?
She didn't do anything.
I called them.
D'you know what, babe, I don't like it here. Too many memories.
-I can't believe we haven't been here before.
-can't we go somewhere else?
-No! We're having fun.
And Sy's probably hating it.
Syed is doing just fine.
He's trying hard for you.
-Hey, I've just been hearing all your secrets.
-He is lovely.
It's Christian's birthday.
Thought you were looking a bit older.
-It was yesterday.
It used to be his birthday every week. Anything so the old tart
could scam himself a drink.
How come you haven't brought him out before?
He don't like going out that much.
He's not doing the old "lock them up in a cellar" thing again, is he?
You poisoned me!
You ripped my heart out. You threw it on the floor and you trampled all over it.
-I know what you're capable of.
-No, no. You know nothing about this.
-You stabbed yourself with a carving knife!
-I'm talking to Pat.
-You told me you wanted her dead.
-Not like that.
What sort of dead was it then?
The sort where you're in hospital and you can't breathe? That sort?
I bet you tried to change her will. Get your hands on her stuff.
I've been burgled. There is no stuff!
-Why did the police arrest you?
They took me in for questioning.
Because they knew you killed her.
Come to think of it, all you ever talked about was money.
Well, maybe if I had a husband who had any...
-How to get it, how you'd spend it, and that's it.
-Fine. Maybe at first
I wanted her money. Maybe at first. But I loved her!
And I looked after her out of love!
-The problem with that is, Janine, you ain't got a charitable bone in your body.
And since when did you become Mother Teresa(?)
You have no idea what love is.
You might have got away with what you did to me but you ain't getting away with this.
She was my granny...
you know, she was my mum's mum...
and that's the last link that I had to my mother
who loved me until someone drove her into an early grave.
I was just getting to know her.
She was getting to know me. And I loved her,
OK? And she died.
And that's what happens in life.
You don't want to push a woman like that too far.
Oi, watch it, beardy!
What's going on with all the beards? Since when were beards back anyway?
Did someone just wake up one day and go, "Smooth is so last season"?
-And what is with all the chest hair?
I love chest hair, I like running my fingers through it.
So what was all that about?
Getting a drink. Do you want one?
-I meant over there.
-I was talking to your friends.
That was way more than talking.
-He didn't have his tongue down his throat.
-Not yet, babe.
-I wasn't born yesterday. As you keep pointing out to me.
-You're being stupid.
-Yeah, stupid and last year's flavour apparently.
-I was only talking!
-Come on darling, we're going.
I don't want to live with Mum.
I want to live with you.
It won't be for long.
It was only one little mistake, Tanya.
What happened to "not going anywhere"?
It's not me. It's Greg.
So tell him!
It was one little mistake, Tanya.
I'm your sister.
I need you. Please?
-Here, apparently it all kicked off in the Vic last night.
-How can you burn soup?
Tracey said that Pat and Ryan reckon that Janine killed her nan!
-Janine wouldn't do that.
-According to Tracey, the police said...
-I was with her. She was gutted, OK?
-What one do you think?
-Trying to impress the in-laws?
-Want to borrow my aftershave?
-Babe, he's trying to impress 'em!
-What's wrong with my aftershave?
-Do you want some soup?
-Why don't you give some to Ian,
seeing as he's looking after your stall?
You found anywhere to live yet?
No, no, it ain't that easy.
You pick up a paper, answer an ad, pack your bags and go. How easy do you want it?
-I'll find us somewhere.
-I know you will.
Look in the paper...
Answer an ad...
Billy? Billy, your soup!
I thought you were keeping it small.
Well, you know, how often does a geezer get engaged?
Yeah, is that a regular geezer... or you?
Thank you, Lauren(!)
-Ooh, I'm impressed.
-All right? You going to give a hand?
-What? With these nails? Is that my rug?
-And...did you get the other thing?
-You'll just have to wait and see, won't you?
Seventh of July?
They called this morning.
That's...three weeks away.
Well, the sooner the better.
The most likely outcome is a custodial sentence.
Thank you so much for coming.
You've got to be prepared for it.
-You could have saved yourself a journey. You could have phoned us.
I'm just saying, there's not much to talk about.
Actually, Mrs Branning, there is.
You're just scared that we'll totally show you up.
-Totally? Who are you, Gossip Girl?
-Changing the subject.
-But I don't need to...
-You just did.
..because me and my girls have got a secret weapon.
Hasta la vista, baby.
-They're having a laugh, ain't they? I mean, who's going to pay that much a month for a bedsit?
-That's a week.
I'm just trying to provide.
I just want them back. All of them.
-A suspended sentence? That's good.
-It's only a possibility.
Yeah, but there's a chance.
It depends on the forensic psychiatrists.
-If we can prove your wife has a serious psychiatric disorder.
-But I don't.
Ron, just let the woman speak.
-Depends on the psychiatrist but if they say there's a problem that's treatable...
-This is crazy.
Do you want to go down?
Any suspended sentence would have conditions attached. You'd have to agree to psychiatric treatment.
-Would you please stop?
-The woman's trying to help.
-By saying I'm mental?
-You could get two or three years.
-I took someone's baby.
-Or four or five.
-Jack, I took somebody else's baby.
-You didn't know what you were doing.
-Jack, come on!
-You were panicking. You were grief stricken.
-But I still did it. I don't have a psychiatric disorder.
leave you to talk.
Call me...when you're ready.
I'm not going to lie.
MUSIC: "Work" by Kelly Rowland
-Oh, man, they are good.
-They're better than good.
-They're much better than good!
That's it, ladies, nice and sexy.
Mercy, hands go up.
Look at Jodie's batty, though!
And work, two, three, uh...
Sushi selection. Front of the table, next to the spring rolls.
-Who's going to eat sushi?
-Do you want to sit on the naughty step?
-It's not even cooked.
Thank you, Abi. And smoked salmon blinis.
-That's not cooked either.
-Naughty step, Lauren.
-All right, see you in A&E, Mummy.
-It looks lovely out there.
-It's not too much?
-No. It's beautiful. Just like you.
-What I said, last night...
-Forget about last night.
You and me, married. It's going to be great.
-Just for an hour.
-No, you go.
-He's my brother.
I'm not stopping you, am I?
But I want you there with me, don't I?
-It'll take your mind off everything.
-I don't want to go to a party.
Everyone's going to be looking at me, staring.
They're family, all right? They're going to be on your side.
-Do you want us to die out there?
-Yeah, Afia's got a choreographer.
Yeah, but we've got me though, innit, you know?
Tam, I've got clients booked.
I've got the moves, all right, but they're not strictly halal.
-So, you'd only have to help us with a few things, you know.
-And this guy she's got?
-Yeah. You're my brother.
Thank you. Champagne?
Yeah, please. Whitney said she'd come later.
They're always running off somewhere at that age. Probably some boy.
Ah, I didn't mean running off.
Thanks ever so much for inviting me, Max.
Don't be silly, Dot, you're family.
-Carol, sorry, shoes, please. If you don't mind?
-Oh. Right, OK.
-You do know that's raw fish, Grandma?
-She ain't going to eat raw fish, is she?
-She can have a spring roll.
-No, she doesn't eat anything foreign.
Well, I did try a curry last week, Lauren.
-So, we're going to be sisters.
-Yeah. That'll be interesting.
-Swap clothes and all that.
I don't think I've got anything that would suit you.
I was thinking maybe you might want to borrow some of mine.
-Yeah, two jobs, four grandkids.
Probably can't spare the couple of hours each morning.
All right, Tanya. All right, Greg.
-Thank you very much. Right, go through.
-Hello, everyone. All right?
Tanya, you look gorgeous.
It's just an old one, actually.
You've been in the bathroom for hours.
-That's us girls for you.
-Yeah, older you get, harder you have to try.
-We've got some news of our own, don't we?
-Hey? Oh, not now.
They're going to find out sooner or later.
-Tell me you're not pregnant.
-Well... No, not yet. But we're trying, aren't we?
-Eugh, too much information!
-Mum, that's brilliant.
You wait, Greg. Wait till you see what she gets like.
Well, it's not like she's actually pregnant yet, is she?
Right, shall we get back to celebrating mine and Max's engagement?
Tanya, shoes, please, darling. Not on the rug.
Well, it is usually the bride's family that plans the Mehndi.
It's next week, Denise.
Usually the bride's family decides they are the bride's family a bit earlier.
Anyway, I thought we could have waiters with drinks, as people come in.
-People like to get their own drinks.
-Yeah, but some smart waiters
might be nice. Bit different.
Would you like them to be topless?
-No, of course they shouldn't be topless, Zainab.
Well, it's just, you know, you want things to be "a bit different".
And you've told me about enough of your hen nights.
What do you think, Yusef?
I think...a bar area where people can get their own.
-And one or two waiters with a welcome drink by the door.
Do you want to change the food as well? Fried chicken perhaps?
If you've got a problem with me being here, Zainab, just say.
Why would I have a problem with my friend?
As Yusef's partner, it's only right I should be involved.
-Did I say that you shouldn't?
-Well, you know, he's got me and you've...
Well, you've got both of us, don't you?
-All right, Abs.
-Oscar's crashed on your bed, darling. Too much football.
-You two are banned from going up there.
Seriously, if I see you anywhere near that staircase...
All right, Max. Not all men are like you. Some manage to keep it in their trousers.
-And I know that Jay is one of them.
Of course, Mrs Branning.
It's Mrs Jessop now, Jay.
Haven't been Branning for a long time.
Come through. Take your shoes off.
-What a shame Jim couldn't be here.
-Dad would love all this.
I think I'll have one of them prawn parcels.
-Here you are, go on have this.
One of us getting married. Again.
-Never hurts to be adventurous.
-I'll get you a coaster for that.
I've not seen your friend Edward around for a while.
Oh, Mr Bishop? He's a very busy man, Carol.
Max, Vanessa, congratulations.
-Hey. You're very welcome.
-You want a drink?
Yeah, I'd love one.
-And I thought...trainers.
-With all those sparkles?
-We're tearing up the rule book.
-I'm sorry, I don't do trainers.
Oh, is this for your wedding then?
Yeah, for the bit before, the Mehndi.
-My wedding dress is sorted.
-Another couple of weeks, you'll have a place of your own.
I'll have to live with Tam to start with.
OMG, why didn't anyone say? Mum'll be going mental.
I'll soon have a place of my own.
-Yeah, yeah. Billy's going to sort us out a flat. You know, together.
I could do the rest of the deposit with the second month's rent...
cos hopefully by that time I'll have a new job...
Hey, hey. Now there's the face of a girl that's scared she's going to be danced out the hall!
That is the face of a girl who's late for her mum's engagement party. Come on.
-See you all tomorrow.
-Remember, not a word, all right?
-If you'd given us these names weeks ago...
-I gave you my names.
But they're not on the list, are they?
These are Masood's names.
Do you want to go and pick up the little bags? For the mithai?
-She doesn't need to do that.
-I am perfectly capable of picking up some bags.
Just let her do it, Zainab.
I've already got the little bags.
So you have.
What time do you call this, Darren?
Well, we was out, you know, dancing.
Yeah, that's what they call it these days?
-No, really. We were practising.
-Yeah, for Tamwar's thingy.
Well you best not be late for the wedding. Shoes.
And miss sitting in a glass coach with my mum?
-Let all them white horses go without me?
-So has Rainie gone for long?
-Just till she gets back on track.
-Greg said that she really lost it.
-Yeah, she'll be all right.
She'll get there.
I thought Tanya might say she was happy with the ones she's got.
I could have lived with that. But you want your own, don't you?
Gorgeous little smiling baby, giggling away,
-dribbling all over you...
I hope that you and...
I hope that you and Tanya... I wish you lots of luck.
I've just been helping Tam.
Afia's got some hotshot choreographer, apparently.
So I'm going to make sure the boys dance them off the floor.
That your little revenge, is it? For last night?
That's petty, Sy, even for you.
-No, you left me in a bar on my own!
-So, that's what this is about?
No, this is about helping my brother. What about you?
-Sisters in law?
-It's not a joke.
-I'm sorry if you think that I ruined your birthday night out.
But I didn't do anything wrong.
They're not my family either, Ronnie.
They're Jim's. Do you know, they ain't even been round
since he went into the Sunflower?
You know, the nursing home.
You and me,
we don't fit in.
You know, every time my Nick done something wrong...
Oh, I ain't saying that you're like him, cos you ain't.
You're a good soul.
But, every time, I felt the eyes of the world on me. Staring.
But you see you've just got to get on with it.
Hold your head up high.
"Let him who is without sin cast the first stone."
Well, look at him here.
Vanessa's sorting my hair out for the wedding.
I'm hoping she'll teach me the secret of the helmet.
Can I get your attention, please, everyone?
-Have you been smoking?
-Not now, Abi, please.
You promised. You're such a liar!
Thanks, everyone, for coming.
I'm not very good with words and all that.
Don't stop you from talking though, does it?
They say actions speak louder than words. So I will say,
in front of my family, my children,
and all the people that mean the most to me,
Vanessa, I love you.
Don't let her mascara run or we'll all drown.
-Thank you for doing me the honour of agreeing to be my wife.
-Oh, Max. It's gorgeous!
Just like you.
-I didn't want to go there!
-You suggested it!
-And I'll talk to who I want to.
-Go on, then!
-You don't own me, you can't stop me.
-And I'm not trying to!
Make your new friends. Talk away.
I would, if I wanted to, but I don't. That's the difference.
I don't want to talk to anybody else.
Then why are we arguing?
Because I want to be able to, OK? I just need some space.
Well, when you find some, you can tell me where I can get a bit.
Because until you moved in here I had loads of the stuff.
-Maybe we should be looking for two new places.
-Maybe we should.
I was only talking to them. It's not like I kissed them. It's not like I took their number.
Oh, here we go. Bring that up again. New Year's Eve, little kiss, what a tramp.
Every time we split up you were with another bloke.
-Just don't judge me by your standards.
I didn't think I had any standards according to you.
-I'm a one-man man.
-That's right. Unless you're being a one-woman man.
-Well, that was cheap.
-Yeah, well I thought
we'd already established that. I'm cheap all over.
All I'm saying is, I just...
I want my own life as well.
And you've got to learn to trust me.
You know, I'm here with you...
in all your bonkers-ness...
..because I want to be.
And if other blokes go after me
then isn't that proof that I'm here out of choice?
Sy, it's not about other guys.
I'm just scared.
Scared that one day you're going to wake up...
..and want something else.
Yeah, I think he was pleased to be asked.
-Christian's gone over to the dark side.
But it's, um...
It's fresh. You know, different.
-Yeah, I think.
I don't know what Mum will think of it.
Well, who knows what your mum thinks?
-And Fatboy and Darren?
-Yeah, you asked them.
No, I just saw you together, and...
You know you should be teaching me not to lie?
I thought you could do with two right feet to match those left ones.
Can't have Afia victorious, can we?
It's a marriage, not a war.
Marriage, Tamwar, is always a war.
So, how are things?
-Does Yusef come round much?
-Dad, look, you're wrong about him.
Sorry, I shouldn't have asked.
There's nothing going on.
If someone had told me a year ago
that you and I would be sat here, planning our children's wedding...
But you can't see the future. Tomorrow's always unknown.
And the photographer?
One to take the formal poses, and one to circulate, more casual.
When I was her age, we would never have had boys at a Mehndi.
When we were her age we'd already be...
Let's not. Please.
Would you two get a room? Oh, no, sorry. You're not allowed one.
Did you want something?
Ah. So sweet. And in love.
Don't worry, Lauren, you'll get a boyfriend, one day.
Who would've thought it, you settling for my little baby sister?
Who said I was settling?
What? Can't you take a real woman?
No wonder you ain't got a boyfriend.
-You all right, love?
-Shouldn't I be?
-Is someone feeling like a bit of a gooseberry?
Don't know where the glasses have got to.
Oh, no, they're not in there any more, darling.
Everything's changed round here.
So sorry to hear about Rainie going. Still, least you won't have to call on Max again.
Morgan wants some more crisps.
So what happened to Walford's biggest boozer?
Without anyone driving me to it...
-You sure you ain't pregnant?
-Who knows? The amount me and Greg have been practising.
Max, I was just thinking, with you and Vanessa getting married,
that me and Jodie should get a flat of our own.
I must be paying you too much!
Don't let Morgan take the crisps in the lounge.
No, I was just thinking, maybe you two want a bit more privacy.
Darren, I am banking on you to help me get shoes allowed back in this house.
There you go, mate.
What have you got there?
Morgan, your Auntie Ronnie's talking to you, mate.
It doesn't matter.
I'll try again tomorrow.
Get Ian to cover again.
-Ian's not been covering.
Well, why didn't you say?
Well, cos I just thought you'd tell me in your own time.
You'll find something new.
I just wanted to get us somewhere nice to live.
And you will.
We're OK here for now.
And we've got each other.
It'll get better.
I was so nervous, it was better to keep dancing. Know what I mean?
Kind of jumped around the room a bit, and then...
OK, steady income, two-bed flat and experience raising children.
How do we get that?
I don't know, I guess some more Amy, Kamil.
Parents on side.
What? That's what the adoption lady said!
Oh, yeah, she also said a stable...
and committed relationship.
Well, now you're pushing it.
-He tried to kill my dad!
-He's still my father.
You went behind my back.
-I was just talking to him.
-Well, I don't want you talking to him.
-He terrifies me.
-And I don't...
I don't want him...
No. Please, don't.
We could all be cowboys, like that.
Is that silly?
Max Branning eating sushi. She really has got you where she wants you.
-Can't keep away today, can you? Everywhere I turn.
-Don't flatter yourself.
I don't have to. That's why you're here.
Bet she's got you on a diet, and all.
What's your problem? Oh, yeah, Vanessa's ring's bigger than the one I bought you.
-I couldn't care less about the size of Vanessa's ring.
-You do care.
That's why you lied to Greg.
And you know why, Tanya?
Because you want me. Right here, right now, you can't stand the fact I'm marrying someone else.
Vanessa. I'm so sorry.
So what is this? What, you just say something like that then walk off, wait for me to follow you?
Well, I don't know. You tell me.
-Do you want some help?
-No, I'm fine. This is exactly how I wanted to spend my engagement(!)
Honestly, darling, I'm fine.
You are so arrogant!
-You're up yourself.
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