27/07/2013 EastEnders Omnibus

MOBILE RINGS

Hello?

What?

Oh! All right, I'll be straight there.

You all right, Jean?

-The cafe's closed, again.

-Maybe Lucy's having a lie-in.

Something's wrong.

Come here. We've got some new stock in on Friday.

Why don't you choose something for your date later?

You want to look nice for Ollie, don't you, eh?

I'm not going.

Course you are.

How can I, what with all that's going on with Ian?

Ian's a big boy. He can look after himself.

Sorry I'm late. Tiff got chewing gum stuck in her hair.

Stock needs unpacking.

You all right, Jean?

Yeah, she's fine.

-Why ain't the caff open?

-Marie didn't show up.

-Where's Luce?

Still in bed.

Jean, what's the chance

-of you coming back to work at the restaurant?

-None.

Why not? I've apologised!

Oh, Ian, I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry...

-No, forget it. Forget it.

-Tell you what.

Why don't I come to the Vic later, bring over some nice tops?

I could fix your hair, do your make-up.

-Ollie won't know what's hit him.

-Is she taking her pills?

Don't even go there.

-I thought I'd made myself clear last week.

-The caff's not open.

-So open it.

-That's Marie's job.

-Yeah, well, she's on holiday.

She's what? Why didn't you tell me?

Sorry. Did I forget to mention that?

What's the chances of you opening up the caff for me?

That would be slim to none.

Come on, Lucy, please.

It's your mess. Sort it out.

All right, how about I pay you?

-How much?

-Name your price.

-OK. I want double time.

-Fine. Anything.

You know what, come to think of it,

I've already made plans for the day. Sorry.

Don't forget they're coming to service the chippy fryer later.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Nine o'clock on the dot.

-Actually, you're one minute late.

-How is she?

She's just about got over the excitement

of seeing her first Shetland pony.

Yeah, a seminal moment in any child's life. Hi.

Where are you taking her?

To see the ducks.

Fascinating, ducks. Did you know they don't quack? It's a myth.

Yeah. And the males are mostly mute.

Oh, to be a duck right now.

Can you have her back by 12?

Yeah. You could come with us.

I've got a really busy day at work.

Have you? Course you have. You might want to lose the...

That side...

Porridge.

Here, Kim, have you seen Shirley?

Unless it starts with a big apology, I ain't interested.

It's just, she ain't come back for the rest of her stuff.

Well, who can blame her? Who'd be seen dead in that old tat?

I mean, look. What's this? You know what I mean?

I'll take it off what she owes me.

What about Shirley?

Denise, this is a very respectable business,

not a halfway house for some old wino.

Well, it's good to know she can count on her mates.

She ain't my mate.

Oh, Shirley, what have you done?

Phil?

You stay out here.

Hello!

Hello?

Anything been nicked?

Must be just kids.

Phil...

Come on, out of there!

Out! You've got ten seconds to sling your hook.

-I said out, come on, out!

-Do you mind? I'm trying to get some kip.

All right?

Kirsty let me in.

Just come to give Jean a makeover for her big date.

Better start mixing the cement, then, eh?

How's the wedding plans coming along?

Yeah, you know... Rox is sorting all that out.

You've had enough practice, ain't ya?

How many times did we try it? You're pushing three now.

Rox wants to make it official later.

-What do you mean?

-You know, make an announcement...

Listen, Kat, if you'd feel uncomfortable...

No! No, it's fine.

It's about time people had something to smile about round here.

Is that you, Kat? >

Yeah, I'm just coming, Jean.

No matter what I do with my hair,

I still end up looking like Boris Johnson.

Right. Better get you sorted, then.

Not exactly chatty, are you?

What do you want to talk about, Phil?

Your dodgy deals?

Ben?

Hev?

Let's just stick to the weather, shall we?

Why are you doing this?

Doing what?

Buying me breakfast. Making out you care.

Only reason I slept in the car

-was cos I couldn't get in the B&B.

-Is that right?

Yeah. Kim puts the chain on at midnight. Silly mare.

So you'll be back in there tonight, will you?

Why wouldn't I be?

-A cup of tea to take away, please.

-You'll have to join the queue.

Where's Marie?

Clacton, with the kids.

-I could do her shift if you want.

-You?

Yeah. Why not?

No offence, but you stink.

Say that again?

He's, er...

he's got a point.

Listen, I've got a tank full of hot water at home going begging,

if you want it.

Do I stink?

SNIFFS: Hay fever.

I'm only doing it cos Kim's boiler's busted. Understood?

Loud and clear.

'When you have finished, you may hang up

'or press one to change your message.'

Max, it's me. Give us a call when you get this.

I think you're in for a long wait, sweetheart.

What are you talking about?

I just saw Jack at the car lot earlier.

What was he doing there?

Running it, by all accounts.

Seems I'm the last one to know anything round here.

You've got beautiful skin, Jean.

Have I?

Mmm. Ollie's a lucky fella.

I shouldn't be here. I should be at the restaurant, helping Ian.

Will you forget about him for one minute?

I've no right to be excited.

Not after everything I've put him through.

So you're excited, then?

I'll only mess it up. I always do.

Don't be daft.

Look at Billy.

He's a waste of space.

And then there was Norman. I lost him to Pat Evans,

a woman double my age.

And all Eddie gave me was a stuffed bird.

So what do you suppose that says about me, Kat?

Well, I think it says you had a lucky escape.

It's been 13 years, seven months and 15 days

since I lost Brian. Silly to still keep counting, isn't it?

All I want is someone to ask me how my day was.

Someone to do the crossword with of an evening.

That's not too much to ask, is it?

Course not.

Actually, I just want someone to love me.

Someone to make me feel like I belong. That I matter.

That I'm important. Someone to make me feel special.

That's all any of us want, though, isn't it?

Well, let's hope that Ollie's the one.

What if I say the wrong thing?

If he's worth it, then it don't matter what you say,

cos he'll see the Jean that we all see.

What, mad woman in a cardie?

Funny, caring, and a heart of gold.

Can do things with a sausage that most men would be petrified of.

So come on, no more feeling sorry for yourself, all right?

That Ollie should thank his lucky stars

that you're even glancing in his direction.

Come on. Let's have a look at you.

Now, you're a Slater, remember.

Now, go out there and knock his socks off.

So. What's the story?

There ain't no story.

Kim's kicked you out, hasn't she?

No. She had a job lot of Polish turn up.

I was the first out the door.

Why aren't you at work?

Jay can handle it.

Must be quiet around here now without Lexi being about.

I hadn't noticed.

You know, I can remember when I first came to Walford.

You couldn't blow your nose without bumping into a Mitchell.

Peggy, Ronnie, Sam. They've all left you.

Even Aunt Sal don't visit any more. Why do you think that is?

You know where the towels are.

Because they don't care any more. They've moved on.

Building a life of their own.

I don't know about you, but I could murder a cup of tea.

You're like a dinosaur, Phil.

I can remember, and it weren't that long ago

when people used to see you and run and hide.

But now you're just the old man from the garage.

You still know how to land a punch, don't you?

We're not that different, you and me. I'm on my own. So are you.

Is that right?

We were good together, Phil.

Granted, we weren't the best looking couple out there,

but neither are Ian and Denise.

But we did have something. We had a spark.

That weren't good enough for you, was it?

What is this, couples therapy?

No. I want you to know something.

What's that?

I was the best thing that ever happened to you.

You just don't know it yet.

Hello. I wasn't sure if I should bring anything.

I can always go and make sandwiches...

No, no, no, you're all right.

Well, I thought as it's such a lovely day...

Used to belong to my eldest.

He used to play with it as a kid.

It was a stupid idea, wasn't it?

I'm so rusty at this dating malarkey.

My kids thought it'd be a good ice-breaker.

Are you supposed to hit it?

Yeah. I think so.

And then what?

Well, I'm not entirely sure.

If you'd rather not...

In for a penny!

That's the spirit.

Right... ready?

Hello. You're late.

She can say duck.

Really?

Yeah, she can. She can say duck, can't you?

Or an approximation of the word duck.

-Will you look at that?

-Look at what?

Just seeing you two...

-What do you want?

-The Vic this lunchtime.

-What about it?

-In fact, everybody,

you're invited to come over to the Vic this lunchtime, all right?

-For?

-Everything revealed in due course, Michael.

Just make sure you rally the troops up.

-This is...beautiful.

-Do one.

Are you going to go?

Might. Might not.

Might or might not see you there, then.

I haven't had time to go to the bank, all right?

I just came in for a snack. But now you mention it...

I'll have the instalment for you tomorrow.

I do love a jammy doughnut.

Dad, I need you to cover for me.

What? Why?

I had this dodgy curry last night...

-All right, spare me the details.

-A bacon sandwich, please, Ian.

Yes, go sit down, I'll bring it to you.

Oh, I almost forgot. Some geezer was asking for you at the chippie.

Something to do with the fat fryer or something.

Right, that's it. I'm really sorry, everyone, I've got to close up.

-Please can you finish up and leave?

-What about my lunch?

Never mind your lunch, I've got to be in three places at once cos I can't rely on my family, can I?

Sorry, but you're all going to have to go.

Oh! You see, I was never any good at sport at school.

They used to make me do extra needlework instead.

But then they discovered I couldn't sew either.

So in the end, they just let me sit with the coats.

-Why are you laughing?

-You. You make me laugh.

Do I?

Look, Jean, you've got to try and hit the ball.

Yes.

Oh! But it's going so fast.

-All right, I'll do it a bit slower. Ready?

-Slowly!

-Yes!

-Yes!

-I've got to keep doing it, though, haven't I?

-That's it!

You see, I told you you'd get the hang of it.

I take it you're a bit of a sportsman.

-I used to play football for the station's side.

-That's nice.

That's until they ditched me for a newer model, of course.

That's the trouble with young coppers today.

No respect for the old guard. Right...

You'll get fat.

All muscle, that is.

And the rest.

I never heard you complaining.

You've got to admit it, though. I've still got it.

That's debatable.

Get us a double rum and ice, please.

What's that?

It's nothing.

It doesn't look like nothing.

So when's your fella back from his big business trip?

Don't start this again.

What is it, car auction?

Something like that.

You remember our first motor?

How could I forget?

I spent most of my time pushing it round the estate.

I loved that car.

It was a death trap.

I can't believe some chav nicked it.

They didn't. Me and your mum sent it to the knacker's yard.

You did what?

And the worst thing was, we had to pay them to take it off our hands.

Good times, though, eh?

Yeah.

MUSIC FROM JUKEBOX: "Born Slippy" by Underworld

What date is it today?

I don't remember.

-It's the 22nd.

-Is it?

That why you got the card, is it?

You remember this?

It's your mum's birthday, Carl.

If you say so.

You two are all right, aren't you?

Just leave it, will you?

-Are you all right?

-Yes, fine.

It's just, ever since I mentioned I was a copper,

-you've gone all distant on me.

-I really should be going...

What's the matter? You on the run or something?

Now you really are starting to worry me.

I shouldn't be here.

Why not?

You uphold the law - I tend to break it.

What are we talking about here?

Couple of parking fines, some dodgy DVDs?

You don't know the half of it.

If I've learnt anything over the last 30 years,

it's how to read people.

Can you read me?

I think so. I see someone who's struggled.

-But I also see someone who's funny. Kind...

-No, I'm not.

-What?

-Funny and kind. I'm nothing of the sort.

I make people unhappy.

I find that hard to believe.

Whoever it is you think you've upset...

things'll sort themselves out. They usually do.

-But you don't know.

-I don't care.

All I care about is what's happening here and now.

And, and what's that?

VACUUM CLEANER SWITCHES OFF

-What do you want?

-I'm looking for Kim.

Well, she took herself off to the sales.

So it leaves muggins here to cover for this place and the shop.

So it's OK for her to go splashing the cash

whilst Shirley's walking the streets?

What are you talking about?

Some Polish fella's taken her room, apparently.

Is that what she told ya?

The Social cut her benefits.

I just found the letter when I was tidying up.

-So you didn't turf her out then?

-She can't afford to stay here.

I've got 500 quid here - how long will that get her?

Two months, maybe.

Right. There you go.

One condition, yeah? Shirley don't find out the money came from me.

So what do I tell her?

I dunno. Use your imagination.

And you'll find her over at my house, yeah?

I never had you down as a good Samaritan.

You caught me on a bad day.

Thanks.

So when did you last see her?

Before I went inside.

You've left it that long?

She had the hump. Didn't want to be put in a home.

That ain't your fault.

Try telling her that.

Go and see her, Carl.

And get more earache? No chance.

So why did you buy the card?

Habit.

The longer you leave it, the harder it's going to be.

It's not that simple.

How do you mean?

Carl...

She still thinks we're together, Kirst.

JEAN SINGS TO HERSELF

Someone's happy.

Yeah. I have just learnt to hit a ball!

Everything all right, Lucy?

Yeah. Apart from my family falling apart, you mean.

It can't be that bad, surely?

My dad's losing it, so...

How do you mean?

Ever since the restaurant got wrecked,

he's just been on a downward spiral,

screwing over everyone he cares about just to get it open.

As far as I'm concerned, me and him are through

and I don't have a dad any more.

(Right.)

Right.

Right.

Sort yourself out, why don't you?

What was that?

Oh, nothing, I said we're running out of hangers.

So what do you want me to do about it?

You are a right miserable cow when you want to be, ain't you, eh?

Do you blame me,

with you screeching down my lughole every day?

-Ian's in a bad way.

-Not again?

-I'm going to go and talk to him.

-No, Jean, don't, please.

No, I need to find out how he is.

Jean, as much as it pains me to say it, she's right.

Best you stay away.

Why don't you go and stay with the Wendys at Whitstable, eh?

You want me out of the way, don't you?

-Just until it dies down.

-Only a couple of weeks, Jean,

and it'll all come out in the wash, won't it?

Jean?

You feeling better?

That bathroom could do with a clean.

You offering?

I never did like this house.

Lucky you don't live here, then, isn't it?

-I need 50 quid.

-What for?

None of your business.

Suit yourself.

-Come on, you owe me.

-I don't think so.

-40, then.

-How about a nice cup of tea?

You really are a piece of work, ain't ya?

Tell you what.

I've got a tenner here, and here's a money-off voucher for a pizza.

I'd rather go through the bins than take money off of you.

KNOCK AT DOOR

It's, er, it's for you.

How did you know I was here?

Er, Kim, she saw you coming round earlier, didn't she?

Yeah, well, it's not what you think.

I can vouch for that.

I'll be round later for the rest of my stuff.

-Oh, no, there's no need.

-If Kim's chucked it out...

The Social left a message.

There's been some sort of mix-up with your housing benefit.

-So your rent's covered.

-Your lucky day.

So the sooner we get you moved back in,

-the sooner you can be back at the shop.

-Are you sure?

Try not to look a gift horse in the mouth, Shirley.

I'd just take it if I were you.

Well, if you ever need a shower...

I'd rather stand outside in the rain.

Shirl, can we...

Can we call a truce, eh?

Over my dead body.

Here, Jean, you want to get yourself down the high street.

They've got a sale on wet-look leggings. Good, innit?

SMOKE ALARM BEEPS >

No...no...not again...

ALARM KEEPS BEEPING

Oh!

Ooh!

Right. Let's get you out of here, shall we?

You shouldn't have.

-I didn't. They're for your mum.

-Don't start all that again.

I thought we could go together.

You serious?

I've already cleared it with Alfie.

She'll be over the moon.

Yeah, be nice to see your mum.

Besides, I thought it'd be better coming from the both of us.

What will?

When we tell her that we've split up.

-There you go, buddy.

-Lovely. Thanks.

You all right? What?

The big announcement?

I'm not going to say nothing until Peroxide's here.

Fair play to you, you've assembled quite a crowd.

Michael, don't worry your pretty little face, mate.

People will turn up.

In fact, here's someone now. She's made an effort.

Yes, sweetheart, what can I get you?

Seeing as Alice is looking after Scarlett,

-I'll have a large white wine, please.

-Coming right up.

-And whatever he wants.

-No worries.

I'll have a large scotch, then.

I wasn't talking to you.

-Mine's a beer, please.

-Hi.

Thanks.

Sometimes it feels like all the walls are just closing in on me.

Just when something starts going good,

something comes along and it just pulls the rug from under my feet.

Peter comes back. And then this place...

it gets trashed, doesn't it?

But look at it now. As good as new.

You don't know what it cost me, Jean...

Look, not everything is about money, Ian...

It cost me my daughter. My beautiful little girl.

All because some joker had it in for me.

I'm sure it wasn't like that.

You didn't see the damage to this place. It was...

Whoever it was... they did it good and proper.

I can't just sit here. I've got to get the prep done for tonight.

-I'll help you.

-No, it's all right...

-No. I want to.

-Jean?

-Thank you.

-Please...

No, Jean, I don't deserve to have a friend like you, OK?

So thank you. Thank you.

I did it.

I caused all this.

What are you talking about?

The fire, the water, the damage...

..it was me.

What did you just say?

Kat will be wondering where I am...

I'M GOING TO ASK YOU ONE LAST TIME!

Hello?

DISTANT VOICES

Nan?

Why aren't you at work?

The beauty of coin-operated machines.

Come on, Abi, pull up a chair.

-You're all right, thank you.

-Then make us a few snacks? I'm starving!

I thought you were going to call first?

-I couldn't wait.

-Dexter might be home for his lunch any moment.

Then WE better get a move on!

-You don't have to do this.

-It's her birthday, Carl.

Yeah, and you want to ruin it by upsetting her?

I'll break it to her gently.

Are you coming or not?

Bianca!

A little birdie tells me that it's a special day for you this week.

Yeah, the end of my probation.

Well, if that's not an excuse for a party, then I don't know what is.

Here, what's this about a party?

I take it they're your bags I nearly tripped over this morning.

It's your lucky day, Kim. I'm moving back in.

Look, I don't want any more trouble from you. All right?

-Yeah? And you'll what?

-Just steer clear of Sharon

-and Little Lord Fauntleroy, all right?

-What's this about a party?

Oh! She's ditching her ball and chain, innit?

-That's good, ain't it!?

-I know, I don't feel I'm in the mood for...

I think a prison theme.

Yeah. All the woman dressed up in sexy boiler suits,

-while all the men dress up as wardens.

-Don't get carried away.

Leave the organising to me. Bagsy being first to be strip searched!

Don't worry. I'll rein it in.

Ain't we getting a bit ahead of ourselves?

We ain't even in the clear yet.

Jean's not going to say anything. So stop fretting.

I can stand here all day if you want, Jean.

Please, Ian...

You're not going anywhere until you tell me what happened.

I never meant to cause any harm...

But you did though, didn't you? Three grand's worth!

It was an accident.

I don't believe you.

Come on. Tell me.

Why did you really do it?

I don't know.

Was it to get back at me? Was that it?

Cos if it was, I don't blame you.

I mean, I offered you a job

when no-one else would touch you with a barge pole.

-Stop it...

-I helped you get your food safety certificate.

I offered you friendship. Which one was it?

Which one of those really got your back up?

Thanks, mate. So...

Janine got a new playmate, then?

-Nothing I can't squash.

-Are they...you know?

ALFIE WHISTLES

He's a homosexual, Alfie.

-Can I get you a drink?

-Yeah, that's really decent of you, thank you.

-No, thanks.

-Danny Pennant.

-Danny. How are you? Alfie Moon.

Lover, fighter. hashtag all round superhero.

-Right. How do I look?

-A knockout.

-What is he doing here?

-Whoa, whoa, Peroxide, play nicely now. OK?

-After what he did?

-I was in a bad place back then.

Syed's moved on, I'd like to do the same.

-So, can we leave it behind us?

-There you are?

-I'll think about it.

-That's my girl. Beautiful, by the way.

Right, could I have your attention, please, folks? Heads up!

Hang on, hang on a sec. Where's the free drinks?

-What you talking about?

-A special announcement you said.

-Yeah. That's code for free drinks.

-Why else d'you think we're here?

Listen, I'm happy to announce that after months of trying...

and I am talking lots of months. I'm talking 24 hours a day...

Yes, do get on with it, Alfie.

That I finally caved in and I am pleased to become...

the second Mr Roxanne Mitchell. So, let's hear it for the next Mrs Moon!

If you've come here for free booze, you're out of luck.

£4.60, please.

Sorry. I could've sworn I had a fiver in here.

I'm going to kill my nan.

-Oh, hello, Abi.

-Hiya.

Here, you've left your shopping behind.

Oh, well, Nan's taken all my money.

Now why don't that surprise me? How much do you need?

Oh, no! You don't have to do that.

Someone's got to look after you, now your mother and father are away.

Where's Cora?

Playing poker with Patrick.

Oh, I say!

Well, they've been at it all weekend.

So, THAT'S why the launderette's been left unattended.

I don't know what Mr Oppoppo's going to say when he finds out.

-How much is it?

-£5.10, please.

And you want to see the state of the house.

There's mess everywhere.

Put some bleach in there.

That creature's behaviour has gone on long enough!

How much?

Hold on...

-Right. Let's see if the police have more luck with you.

-No, you can't!

Really? Try stopping me, Jean.

No, no, look we only came in to find my flipping handbag!

-And then one thing led to another...

-We?

-There was more than one of you?

-Oh!

-Jean!

It's official now, ain't it, eh? No going back.

-Present for you.

-Who's that from?

Over there.

-Thank you. You shouldn't have.

-I wanted to.

-Anyone seen Jean?

-She's got herself in a flap, hasn't she?

-No thanks to you!

-Come on, ladies, let's play nicely?

-You sure you want to be here?

-I'm happy for 'em both.

-I give them six months, tops.

-Says the leading expert on relationships!

Says the woman who's shacked up with Ian Beale.

Welcome to the Singles Club.

We're trying to cheer her up! Not send her off to rehab!

No, I'm with Shirl on that one. To the next chapter, yeah?

-To the next chapter.

-Jean?

Come and join us.

What's happened?

Alfie! Call the police!

-What's he on about? Ian?

-Jean!

Jean!

Jean! Jean! Open the door, come on! Come on, then!

Come on, then. Who is it?

I have already told you. I was on my own.

-Is he giving you grief, Jean?

-Would you please just go? All of you.

No, not until you tell us what's happening.

You heard her. What's it got to do with you lot anyway?

That's it, ain't it? It was one of you lot. That's why you're all here.

-What are you banging on about?

-He knows.

-He knows what?

It's all right, you don't have to come across all innocent!

It was one of you lot that trashed my restaurant. Wasn't it?

We're looking for Nora White?

I can't believe how much weight she's lost.

Let's just get this over with.

I can't get over how frail she looks, though.

She looks the same to me.

She is sleeping, isn't she?

How do you mean?

-Well, you know, she's not...

-Boo!

Nora!

You can't get rid of me that easily!

Hello, love.

What about you? Have you got a kiss for your old mum?

Aw, isn't that lovely though, about the baby?

Ah, yes, a little boy. Mind you I always wanted a little girl.

Oh, I think I'll buy one of them little flags

because they asked me to make a sponge cake for the church fete

and I could stick one in the middle.

I'm not even sure Nan knows she's given birth.

She wouldn't be interested in a future king,

she's too busy engrossed in her gambling.

Yeah, man! Nice doing business with you!

Not so fast.

Three of a kind. Read 'em and weep.

All right. You deal, I'll pour.

Is that you, Abi? I'm starving.

Cora Cross!

(Oh! That's all I need.)

A speakeasy. On my doorstep!

Go on, get out, the pair of you, be off with you!

And pray for forgiveness on your way out.

What do you think you're doing?

I am calling time on this here...

den of iniquity!

-Mum?

-I'll be out in a minute, babe.

What're you doing in there?

Mum, listen, Alfie said he's making some big announcement

in the Vic later, I think.

-You two actually make me sick, innit.

-I was just helping your mum...

-Look, seriously. I don't want to know!

-How about I put the kettle on?

No, you know what? I'm going to go and get something at the Vic I think.

-Oh, your dad was just helping me with...

-Look, Mum, enough already.

You know the lamp beside my bed? It turned out it was the fuse, so...

-You're both adults. You don't have to explain yourself.

-That's the truth!

Yeah, course it is. Mum, can you sort...

Oh, shame...

Yeah, shame.

-You didn't think...?

-(I can't believe this.)

The boy ain't stupid, Ava.

I practically live here. So...

why not make it official?

And what? You move in? Are you serious?

-Now's as good a time as any.

-I don't know about that, Sam.

What, you'd rather we sneak around like a couple of teenagers?

Look, I've got Dexter to think about, remember.

-Dexter's a big boy!

-Er...

I'll think about it.

-One of you say something.

-So...

What's this nonsense about the Old Bill then, eh?

-Did you know you had a criminal underneath your roof?

-It was a bit of water damage, you big drama queen!

Do you know how much it cost me? Three grand!

-And that's not counting the cost to my family.

-What's he talking about?

-Jean trashed his restaurant.

-No, it wasn't like that.

-Listen, Ian, I'm sure she never meant no harm.

-I want her punished!

-Don't you think you've humiliated her enough?

-I haven't started yet.

-OK, Ian, just leave it for today.

-No.

-Let Jean rest a bit.

-No. Not until I find out who her accomplice was.

You've always had a problem with me, haven't you?

-Especially since I got started going out with your sister.

-What?

Is that what happened? Did you trick Jean into letting you in?

-Who are you accusing?

-You had the means, the motive...

Oh, listen to flamin' Columbo here.

That's enough, Ian.

All right, well, if it weren't Kim, who was it then?

You're unusually quiet, Bianca.

It's not really my place to say anything, is it?

I mean, if anyone had a score to settle, you did.

-I don't know what're you talking about?

-I sacked Whitney that night.

Oh, really? I don't remember.

That's convenient, isn't it?

-And we all know about your anger management issues.

-It was me!

-Oh, Shirley...!

-And I'd do it again if I had half the chance.

What's he doing up there, anyway?

Ooh, careful, Michael, careful.

-If I didn't know better, I would say you were jealous.

-Go away now.

-Hi. What can I get you?

-Ah, an orange juice, please.

Same for me, thanks.

You go and sit with Dex. And I'll bring the drinks over.

Just promise me you won't say anything, OK?

If that's what you want?

Yes, it is. Look, in a couple of weeks

we'll both sit him down and we'll talk to him, all right?

Do me a favour, will you? Tell Alfie the rent's due?

-He's otherwise engaged.

-He's talking Ian down off the ledge.

-I wouldn't bother.

-It's all kicking off with Shirley and Jean.

Is it just me or is he really flirting with her?

It's just you. He likes boys.

-Hello, Michael.

-Janine. Mind if I join you? Thank you.

-If you must.

-Yeah, I just thought it was an opportune moment

for young Daniel and I to get to know each other better.

Very good. Very good indeed.

Where shall we start? First record you bought or favourite family pet?

Two minutes.

That's all it takes a couple of yobbos

to enter my abandoned launderette and empty the machines.

I emptied them before I left.

I'd have thought this house had seen enough alcohol

in the past few weeks.

That's a low blow, Dot.

Abi is an impressionable young girl.

She needs stability,

she needs someone to help her stay on the straight and narrow.

Yeah, yeah, but there's no harm at all in kicking back now and then!

Kicking back, Patrick Trueman! You're practically horizontal!

Abi. Go and pack your bags.

Now, just a minute...

How do you expect the girl to prosper in your care?

She's got her O-levels to revise for. Not to mention her GCEs.

-I'm her grandmother.

-And so am I.

-Through marriage.

-Honestly, I'm fine here, Grandma.

-There you go. You see?

-She's happy.

-We'll have to get this place ship shape then, won't we?

-Abi, where does your mother keep her mop?

-Erm, just...

-This ain't your house!

-Oh, and it ain't yours.

Now, young lady, you see what you have unleashed?

PATRICK LAUGHS

So, what's this place like then?

We've got a Roy Orbison impersonator playing tonight.

-Sounds fun.

-Bingo every Tuesday.

You hear that, Carl? She's got a better social life than me!

-Hey, any fellas on the go?

-I've done with men!

-Not that I'm short of offers, mind.

-I don't doubt it.

-I've still got it.

-Yeah, course you have.

You might not see it now, but I used to turn a few heads,

when I was younger. I was like you.

I had something about me.

You know it's funny. Everyone always said you two would never last.

But look at you now, eh?

I hope you're looking after her. Cos she's a diamond this one.

Course I am.

Anyway, why don't you go and get us all a cup of tea, yeah?

-You've put on weight.

-It's all the doughnuts he keeps eating.

Now that we're on our own, there's something I want to ask you.

Yeah. Anything.

When are you going to give me my first grandchild?

-Come on, Shirl, I'm waiting.

-You can wait all you like.

All I've got to do is press one number. That's it.

-Give us it! I'll dial it for you!

-Let's not get carried away.

-We'll sort this out ourselves.

-It's unlawful entry, criminal damage!

-I wouldn't be surprised if the police throw the book at you!

-Not the police! Ian, please!

-You should've thought about that before you went on your rampage.

-He's right.

-What happened to sisters before misters?

-They've got to be accountable!

-This ain't Jean's fault!

-She's just admitted it, Kat!

-She's just been bullied into it.

-Ian might be a lot of things.

-But he's not a bully.

-Come on, everybody, let's calm down, please?

-Why don't you all just go? It's us that he wants.

-I'm not leaving her!

How about I phone the station, see if they've got the guest suite ready?

Will you just stop it, Ian! Please.

I didn't mean for any of this to happen.

-I am a good person.

-I know you are.

And I wanted to tell you the truth. I really, honestly did.

Right. Then why didn't you?

I couldn't.

I'm getting tired of this, Jean.

-I can't go through this again, Ian.

-(I told you this would happen!)

-What did you just say to her?

-What?

-Right, I got to go and get the kids.

-Already?

-It was her.

-Oi, you, haven't you caused enough upset?

-Kat, you stay out of this!

-No. Jean's family!

You mess with her, you mess with me an' all!

-Where's Bianca?

-She just left a second ago.

I don't know what's going on... But keep Shirley out of it.

-Out of my way, Phil.

-I don't think you heard me the first time.

Now you stay away from Shirley, all right?

Do you prefer to be called Danny? Or Daniel?

-Danny's fine.

-Daniel,

where do you see yourself in five years' time?

Michael, this is not a job interview.

Let's see, in five years' time,

I'll have probably set up a solid property portfolio

for Butcher's Joints. Perhaps even as a junior partner.

-Oh, let's not get too carried away now.

-Husband, children?

That, Michael, I can't answer.

I'm so sorry about my estranged husband here,

he seems to think that he has to vet all my new employees.

Come on. One game ain't going to hurt.

About what you walked in on earlier...

Look, it's fine.

-You know I'm not going to mess her about this time.

-So you say.

All I want you to do is treat me like I'm grown, innit?

Enough of this sneaking around.

Your mum's worried about upsetting you.

-I'm a big boy. I can deal with it.

-That's exactly what I said.

So just give it to me straight from now on, innit?

Your mum wants me to move in.

Your go.

Did you hear me?

Look, just don't leave the toilet seat up, innit. She goes ape.

I told you there was nothing to worry about.

What're you talking about?

-It's fine, Mum.

-What's fine?

Me. Moving in.

So, why're you really here?

-To wish you a happy birthday, of course.

-Nah, something's not right.

I know you, girl. I know when something's bothering you.

It's Carl, isn't it?

Listen, Nora, the thing is...

Because it would break my heart if you two split up.

That's not going to happen.

Tea.

-Why don't I put these in water for you?

-Yeah, yeah.

She's a good girl.

She has her moments.

Come here a moment. Let me see you properly.

Look at my little boy, eh?

All grown up with a life of his own.

You hurt her and I'll kill you. Do you understand me?

Because that girl's worth ten of you!

You know what I see when I look at you?

I see your father. That pathetic excuse for a man!

You thought you'd got rid of me, didn't you?

Locking me away in here. After everything I've done for you

and that brother of yours!

My hip might've packed in.

But everything else is sharper than ever.

Carl?

Oh, is that the time already? Sorry, Mum.

We're going to have to love you and leave you.

-You should come to Walford some time.

-I might just do that.

-I'll see you soon.

-Yeah.

-Bye.

-Bye.

'Bianca! Bianca, I know you're in there.

'Have you got any idea how much trouble you're in?

'Bianca!

'Bianca!'

I shouldn't think of the germs that must have been breeding

-in this here kitchen.

-Looks all right to me.

They don't go in there.

-Where does it go?

-Under the sink.

Nonsense! It should go in a cupboard by the cooker.

Well, that's not where Tanya put it.

Well then, this household should be reorganised.

-What do you think you're doing?

-That's my pan.

-No, it's not. It's Tanya's.

-It's not Tarrrrnya. It's Tanya.

I happen to have been brought up to speak the Queen's English.

Anyway, it's Russian. And I don't come from the gutter.

Dot, don't let me start with the spatula.

-Otherwise I won't be responsible for my actions.

-Will you two stop it!

It's bad enough that my mum and dad have gone.

I do NOT need you two fighting as well.

The boy's fine with it.

Yeah, that's what he said to you!

I think he's frightened that you'll walk out and leave us again.

-I won't do that.

-You did it once before, Sam!

So who's to say that you WON'T do it again?

Because I gave you my word.

You pull a stunt like that again, you can pack your bags and leave.

So does that mean...?

The toilet seat stays DOWN at all times.

That's a deal breaker as far as I'm concerned.

Yes, miss!

Excuse me.

I can leave you boys to play nicely while I just go and freshen up?

Don't worry about us.

So what's this all about, Michael?

-I'm just sussing out my wife's new underling.

-Ex-wife.

That's to be decided.

You know, if I didn't know better,

I'd say there was a bit of an agenda here.

Yeah, I think I missed the signs at first,

but today you've made your feelings pretty clear.

I don't know what you're talking about?

I don't normally mix business and pleasure, Michael,

but I could always make an exception this once.

(I don't understand...)

I'd be up for some fun if you are.

-Where's he going?

-Your guess is as good as mine.

-Keep the change.

-Cheers.

-I'll see you later, yeah?

-Carl...

You sure you're all right?

Come and sit down, darling.

Your food's getting cold.

Dot's cut us some lovely ham.

Yes, and your grandmother's made us a lovely warm salad. Eat up.

Growing girl needs to keep her strength up.

She's right.

(I think I preferred it when they hated each other!)

Didn't you hear me knocking?

-Look, I'm really sorry...

-How long have I known you, Bianca?

What is it? 20 years?

Something like that, yeah.

I really couldn't give a monkey's about Jean or Shirley.

But you? You're family!

Look... It just all got really out of hand.

Save it for the police.

Ian, please, I'm on probation.

If they find out it was to do with me they'll throw the book at me!

You should have thought about that before you wrecked my livelihood!

Ian, please, I'm begging you!

Do you know there's a weird bloke staring at our house?

Bet Ian Beale's paid him to spy on me.

Stop being so ridiculously paranoid.

Yes, I am paranoid. I could be going back to the nick tonight

and I haven't slept a wink all night.

-And why did you do it, huh?

-You keep saying that. I don't know.

And you wonder where Liam gets it from.

Oh, please, Mother...

Please, Mum, what? Forgive you? Again?

Who's going to be left to cope?

Who's going to have to explain it all to the kids?

I'm sick of it.

-Right, we're off.

-Sorry, where are you going?

Excuse me. He's taking Morgan to Ray's for the day.

Give us a cuddle, then.

What's got into you?

What? Can't I cuddle my own kids now, then? Morgan?

-Cuddles is for wusses.

-Please?

Is Tiff not going with you?

Nah, she didn't want to. But I'll see you later.

Don't know what time but I'll give you a text.

Right. Someone better do something.

-Morning, Kim.

-Hello.

-Can we settle up?

Sam, what did I say to you last night?

Getting back together with an ex is never a good thing. Trust me.

Glad to know you've got my best concerns at heart.

It's going to end up in tears, you know.

So this is nothing to do with losing out on my rent?

No.

Make out the bill. I'll go get my stuff.

You hear that? Sam's deserting me.

Where's a girl going to find a red- blooded male to lust after now?

You're going to have to watch this one very closely, Poppy.

Turn your back for one minute, and I'll have him!

PHONE RINGS

FATBOY LAUGHS

-I wish she'd stop doing that.

-Baby, she's only joking.

No. No, she does that deliberately to wind me up.

-Has he actually phoned the police?

-No, not yet.

Right. Well, is he likely to?

He's up and down, you know.

Can I speak to him?

That's probably not such a great idea.

It's just Bianca's in bits back at the house.

I know, but she should've thought about that.

I know. And she's been so stupid. I'm not here to defend her.

And it's not really her that I'm worried about.

It'll kill the kids if she goes back inside.

IAN: Luce!

OK, you'd better go. Leave Ian to me. I promise. I'll try.

-All right. Cheers, Denise.

-OK.

-Thanks.

Who was that?

Oh, it's a woman selling lucky heather.

I hope you told her where to go. You haven't seen Lucy, have you?

She went out first thing.

Oh! She's supposed to be looking after Bobby today.

Did she say what time she was getting back?

Oh, that is brilliant. I've got to be in the restaurant all day today.

Why is she doing this to me?

Well, what did you expect after conning her

out of the businesses like that?

There's going to be no businesses left at this rate.

You can leave me on me own if you like. I don't mind.

What, so you can play all day with Tiff the chav? Not a hope.

Ian, please don't use that word. You know that I don't like it.

Anyway, have you thought any more about Bianca?

What, as a child minder? Don't think so.

No, Ian, I meant the police.

Listen, darling, please don't do this.

-No-one is going to like you for it.

-I need to get him sorted first.

-So what about Peter?

-Peter's on the stall.

-I don't suppose you could...?

-No, I'm already late for work.

Why is it you can never find a pen in this house when you want one?!

Well, go on then. Where's this big surprise?

Boom!

Eh...

Well? What's up?

-Well, you can't be serious.

-Why?

Mum is going to go absolutely nuts when she sees that. You know that?

Yes, but what did Denise actually say?

She said she's going to see what she can do.

Your best bet is just to keep your head down

and stay well out of his way.

I wouldn't even go into work if I was you.

"12 ways to find out if your boyfriend really loves you."

Tiffany...

"One. Does he look longingly at you every time you meet?"

If he knows what's good for him, he does.

You're ten.

Ten-and-a-half, actually.

"Two. Does he want to be around you all the time?" Ditto.

"Three, does he give you compliments and notice what you're wearing?"

Double ditto.

This is aimed at teenagers.

I'm very precocious.

Where did you hear a word like that?

Mrs Watson at school.

She calls me a "precocious little madam" all the time.

So I looked it up.

This is Bobby Beale we're talking about, innit?

One thing I've learned in life - grown-ups never understand.

Tiff, can you have a little tidy up, please?

B, have you seen what she's reading?

Not now. Look, Whit, I'm going to pull a sickie today, yeah?

So I need you to go and talk to Kat and make up some excuse for me.

How come you get to take a day off whenever you like

and I have to go to school every day?

-I asked you to clear up.

-Can you talk to Kat yourself?

-No, she'll know that I'm lying.

-Yeah, she will know.

That way we can both pretend that I'm not.

Just say I've got a temperature or something.

What are you two talking about?

Did I just say clear up? Will you please get on with it!

Look, Mum's told me to stay well out of Ian's way

-so that's what I'm going to do.

-Oh, right.

Well, if anything does happen, you let me know straightaway, OK?

This is Butcher HQ, calling Beale One. Do you read me? Over.

BOBBY: 'Beale One receiving loud and clear. Big Bear's on the prowl.

'How's the Wicked Witch? Over.'

Really annoying. Over.

Is it Whitney?

Oh, sorry?

He said you were the girl with the diamond eyes,

and I see he was right.

Who did?

His Majesty! King Tony! Tony King! Your Tony!

Cos he's the king and you're the princess, am I right?

No. I don't know what you're talking about.

-I got a letter for you. Special delivery.

-I'm not interested.

Yeah, he said you might be like that at first,

but you'd come round in the end.

So I'm just going to hang around.

You let me know when you're ready, yeah?

Oh, Whit, how's Bianca?

She's still in bed. Probably won't come in today.

Bit of a temperature.

Yeah, and I'm Mother Teresa.

Please will you tell her I'm sorry?

Whit?

Cheers, babe(!)

You all right for the rest of the day, Luke?

I'm going to go talk to Ian.

You'll just make it worse.

-Ian, about what I said before...

-Not now, Jean.

It wasn't just Bianca. It was me and Shirley too.

You two aren't on probation, though, are you?

Moving in?

Why do you always react like that?

Last time, he walked out on you.

Yeah, well, he had problems back then. It's all different now.

What does Dexter have to say about it?

Dexter is fine.

Then why are you asking my approval?

I'm not.

Look, anyway, we're having this welcome lunch thing today

and Dexter wanted me to invite you.

So...it'd be nice. Just the four of us.

If you want to come, that's fine, and if you don't,

well...it's up to you.

You're not really going to call the police, are you?

I'm thinking about it.

I stayed over at Ian's, didn't I?

Look, there's been some sort of a mix-up about who's

baby-sitting Bobby.

-I don't need anybody. I'm ten!

-Yes, darling.

So I was just wondering if you could do my shift at the shop for me?

I'll owe you one.

Can't Shirley do it?

No, she says it's her day off.

Look, I wouldn't ask if it weren't important, would I?

Go on, then. You're on sheet-changing duties this week, yeah?

Yes. Whatever.

Look, I'd better go, cos he's back now. Bye.

DOOR CLOSES

I set you some sums, didn't I?

Go on, get upstairs and get them done. Now!

Listen, Ian, Kim is going to cover my shift at the shop,

which means that I can look after Bobby

and you can work at the restaurant after all.

Thanks. It's too late. I've already called the agency

and told them not to let the staff come in.

So, what are you doing?

Oh, Ian, you're not calling the police? Don't be an idiot.

I'm phoning my temporary sous chef, to tell him

not to bother coming in till tonight, OK?

AVA: I don't know why I even care. Idiot.

What did you say?

Oh. Sorry. I thought I was thinking that.

I'm going mad. Mothers. Who'd have 'em?

Oh, now we've run out of tea bags!

Are you all right, Whitney?

No, sorry, I had a really bad night.

Right, well, I won't even be able to think straight

until I have a cup of tea.

So would you mind popping across to the shop and getting some, please?

Can't it wait till after break?

It'll only take you two minutes. Use the petty cash.

OK.

Didn't think I'd see those eyes again till lunchtime.

You know he talks about you all the time? His Majesty.

When he heard I'd got a release date, first thing he says was,

"Pogo, I want you to go find my princess and give her this letter."

Never known a man more crazy about a woman.

Please stop following me!

You know, it's a funny thing to see a man change right before your eyes.

The Tony I first met, he was a cocky little blighter.

Thought he knew it all. Wouldn't even go on the rule.

What rule?

Rule forty-three. Where the nonces go.

Then of course the McGinty brothers got wind of it.

Oh, man, that wasn't nice. Not nice at all.

I mean, don't get me wrong. He's all right now.

Just a bit nasty at the time. Still wouldn't go on the rule, though.

Reckoned that would be betraying you. Crazy or what?

So he stuck it out.

Even the McGinty brothers give him respect in the end.

Just give me the damned letter and go away.

You know, a fella can get an awful thirst

just hanging around here being a postman.

Just the one. That's all I can afford.

-You all right, Whitney?

-Yeah, yeah, thanks.

Um...2.80.

There you go.

Thanks.

You know, I used to think he was overdoing it

but since I've met you, I can see what all the fuss was about.

You really are lovely, you know!

Job done! He goes in peace!

Whit? >

-Oh, Ty, not now.

-Who was that geezer?

-Take your hands off me a second.

-What's this?

I said, take your hands off me!

But what does "still thinking about it" actually mean?

I think it means that you can relax.

If he was going to really do something, he'd've done it by now.

This is just Ian being Ian.

He's just spinning it out. Making you suffer.

I'm really sorry about all of this, Bianca. I feel...wretched.

It's going to be fine, Jean, all right?

Thanks for letting us know. OK?

Thanks.

I think I'd better get Tiff and make her some lunch.

Leave her. She's upstairs playing. If she's hungry, she'll come down.

You go downstairs and have a lie down,

-catch up on some of that sleep.

-(YAWNING) I will do.

Before you ask, no, he can't come out to play.

Especially with you. Go away.

Why did you do that?

Have you finished your sums? Right, upstairs - get them done.

Ian, why, during the summer holidays,

are you making a ten-year-old

sit inside doing his maths rather than playing outside?

-I've got plans for him.

-What sort of plans?

You know, for the future.

Oh what, so he don't get a childhood, then?

No, not if it involves playing with criminal low-life like that lot.

So, sorry, what if these plans of yours and his plans are different?

He'll do what he's told.

Yeah, cos that's worked out really well for Lucy, hasn't it?

Don't bring her into this.

Ian, darling, I've been very supportive of you.

-I've been on your side through all of this...

-Yeah, so?

But when you start talking like this,

it's like those conversations just never even happened.

What conversations?

SHE TUTS

When we first got together, I really thought that you'd turned a corner.

That's what I liked about you.

I thought that you'd had the courage to really look inside yourself

and make a change.

It's just hard-wired, isn't it?

What is?

-Where you going?

-Oh, sorry, if you don't need a baby-sitter,

I'm going to go to work.

What is it that's hard-wired?

Why don't you have a little think about it, yeah?

See if you can work it out.

DOOR SLAMS

It's like living with a toddler.

What is?

-AJ.

-Oh, right.

Actually, it's worse than living with a toddler.

Cos Kamil could be a pain sometimes, but he never used

to swipe 50 quid from the rent jar without asking.

What? Is he going to give that back?

Tomorrow, apparently.

But it's always tomorrow. What you looking for, anyway?

Oh, it's not for me. It's for Fats. He so needs a place of his own.

But there's just nothing around, you know.

Anyway, I'll see you later, yeah?

Laters.

The Ian that I fell for - the kind one, the sensitive one, the one that

had learned a thing or two about his mistakes - well, he's just gone.

And now I find myself waking up to this...

Am I allowed to say, I told you so?

Don't s'pose you'd be the only one.

Denise?

I've had a think. Can we talk?

What do you mean, take it back? That was my dad's pride and joy.