30/05/2014 EastEnders Omnibus

You're going into work early! It's Bank Holiday!

Erm, I'm expecting a delivery. Oh, lovely!

Hey!

What's mine is yours, what's yours is mine.

Isn't that the way this marriage lark works?

In fact, I'll tell you what. Let's start as we mean to go on, shall we?

-Full of it, ain't he?

-Yeah, he's full of it.

-All right?

-What've you got there?

-Wedding breakfast. It will be...

-Once we've baked the cake.

-Change?

-Iced the chocolate log.

-Defrosted the drumsticks.

-See you in a bit.

-See you.

Has he got at you, too?

Is that why you've not said anything?

I need to speak to your grandad first.

Fat chance in this madhouse...

Hang on a minute, what do you mean, "got at me, too"?

Has he asked you to keep schtum about this?

LAUGHTER

-'And keep 'em closed.

-'What for?

'I want to show you something!

'And how am I going to see it if my eyes are shut?'

Why is it, right, you've got an answer for everything?

-What are you doing?

-And, you. Keep your mince pies closed.

-Why?

Just humour him, Nance, I ain't had my breakfast yet!

Tiles have arrived.

-Is that it? Is that the big surprise?

-No, no.

-Painters have finished an' all.

-Oh, have they?

-That's probably what it was.

-I have got to see this!

Ain't you got an exam to go to? Come here.

Sorry. Should I have not said?

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

They didn't knock off till late last night.

So, I didn't get a proper pipe till just now.

Well, what do you think?

Looks better than it did a couple of days ago.

Leave it out, Nance!

It looked better after the Blitz than it did a couple of days ago!

It's OK.

OK?

Gotcha!

LINDA LAUGHS

-Oi! Good luck!

-Thanks.

So, this is it. New-look boozer. New looking sign on the way.

Brand-new start.

Thanks to Auntie Shirl.

If it weren't for her, we wouldn't be here in the first place, would we?

Come on, you.

Mick?

-About last week.

-Forget it.

Right. I think we should have a celebration.

A big family lunch. All of us.

I'll cook us a nice bit of grub. What do you reckon?

Lovely. So, who was that then?

Oh, my brief.

Reminding me of the court case tomorrow. Ten o'clock.

So, all the more reason.

Let's enjoy ourselves today.

Hey, Tam, you forgot your sandwiches...

-Someone been sending you flowers?

-No, no, it's...

I need to speak to you.

Well, I need to speak to your mum first.

Right, out the way.

-You all right? Come to help?

-No, just wanted to drop that off.

What's that?

What is it?

My passport!

Updated. Good for a few years yet.

-Which is just as well.

-Cheers.

-Cos we've got that.

And that.

Where's that, the Caribbean?

Florida Keys, we fly out day after the wedding.

Nice early evening flight. And that's where we're staying.

I can't. I've got an appointment with the consultant that afternoon!

I spoke to him, we're only going for a couple of weeks, aren't we?

He said to go and have a lovely time.

And come back when you're nice and tanned. And rested.

Well, not too rested, eh?

Get a room!

-Do you like it, then?

-Very!

I just don't get it.

Who in their right mind would send something like this to a funeral?

You really have no idea?

Well, someone who knew Lucy, obviously,

but apart from that, not a clue.

I checked. There's nothing else on it, just that.

And you don't recognise the writing or...?

Cheers.

Tam?

Looking good.

Yeah.

Everything else OK?

Thanks, Phil, OK?

The other night, I was a mess, I know.

You had a lot on your mind, didn't you?

I won't say anything, you know.

That's between you and Mick.

You won't say anything cos there's nothing to say!

Simple enough, ain't it?

Even for a bonehead like you?

Don't forget the tea, will you? I owe you 40p.

Hi. You got any empty boxes?

-Having a clear-out, Ian?

-Yeah, it's not a museum, is it?

Lucy's room. All her stuff.

I've got to start somewhere.

Thank you.

Sharon.

-What was that all about?

-Don't know.

I feel really guilty. Not been over for ages.

Maybe I'll pop and see him, eh?

Nah. Leave it to me. I'll nip over there later.

-Check he's OK.

-You sure?

-Yeah. See you soon, yeah.

-OK.

-Ta-ra.

Hey, I only said, "Dig me out a change of clothing."

-You didn't have to bring 'em over!

-I'm not stopping.

Still not crazy about this. You lying for me.

I told you, if a judge sees a young lad up for handling,

he'll throw the book at you.

An old guy like me? Slap on the wrists.

I suppose.

Feeling the cold?

Oh!

Can't be too careful. My time of life.

So, a chill's a no-no, but prison's OK, is it?

Prison?! Come on!

Dean?!

All right?

Brought some of Grandad's stuff over. Just in case.

In case of what?

Oh. Yeah.

-Anyway...

-Now that you're here.

I'm cooking a bit of munch later.

Plenty to go round if you fancy joining us?

Yeah.

Oh. Wotcher!

Come on, then. Out with it.

-What's the matter? You've been in a funny mood all weekend.

-Yeah.

That's what it does to you, ain't it?

What's that?

Well, you know, a day or two before the wedding,

you find out your dad's been cheating on your mum.

-Puts you in a bit of a funny mood.

-Oh, yeah?

Who've I been cheating with? Hmm?

-Oh, so it's not just Nikki, then?

-Nikki?

Me and Nikki?!

-Are you having a laugh?

-Dad, don't lie to me,

cos this is too serious!

-You can't be, darling, cos she's an airhead.

-Never stopped you before.

Get real, will you, love?

Liam's told me.

He's told me everything. He's told me he saw you.

Give me one good reason, one good reason, why I don't tell Mum?

All right.

She can't help herself, that one, can she?

Makes a pass at anyone in a pair of trousers.

So, is that what happened then, she come onto you?

Yes, darling. She did.

Once and once only.

I mean, come on, Bianca, think about it.

Your mum and I are finally getting wed, after all these years,

do you seriously think I'd put that at risk for a slapper like Nikki?

Well, why'd you tell Liam to keep schtum then?

Because I know how you'd react!

You'd go off on one, your mum certainly would and for what?

For nothing. No, less than nothing.

A liberty-taking bimbo, who's not right in the head.

She's not.

And you know the worst thing?

Then she'd have got exactly what she wanted.

I mean, look what she was like with you and Terry at Christmas.

She sees anyone happy, she just wants to spoil it.

Is this why I've been getting the evil eye all weekend?

Me and Nikki?

For crying out, Bianca.

Give me some credit at least.

-That figures, don't it?

-What?

-Rubbish.

-Putting out the rubbish.

-Excuse me?

-Is that what you said to him?

Or did you just make your move straightaway?

Cos my dad's right, Nikki,

you can't stand anyone being happy, can you?

You just have to ruin it. You done it to me and Terry,

and now you're trying to do it to my mum and dad.

-I don't know what you're talking about.

-You really are a slapper,

-aren't you? He's right.

-Bianca, what's happening?

-Go on, tell me.

-Go for it.

-Her - making a move on my dad.

Ignore her, Terry, she's got a screw loose.

You ever pull a stroke like that again...

-Pulling your dad?

-..I will knock you out...

-I'd have to be desperate.

-..do you understand me?

-An old man like him?

-He's a man, Nikki!

That's enough for you, isn't it?

An old man that's about to marry some frumpy, old cow?

Please!

NIKKI SCREAMS

Terry!

Cheers.

Phil came to see me, had a word.

-What about?

-Me and you.

He reckons maybe we should have a word, too.

Yeah, maybe we should.

Maybe we could go for a walk after lunch or something?

-I could come with you if you want.

-Where?

Court tomorrow. Have a word with the judge.

-Make sure he throws away the key?

-Yeah, that sort of thing.

-Dean's already said he'd come with me.

-No need to bother Dean.

Least he can do.

Me putting him up and that.

But cheers, son. Much appreciated.

Ian?

Ian? Mind if I come in?

Give me a hand if you like.

Yeah, course I will, if you're sure.

I told you, I can't go on living in a museum.

It's not going to bring her back, is it?

She's not going to moan at me for putting coffee in her mug,

or dunk another tea bag in it.

Not going to leave her straighteners and her hairdryer on the floor.

I cleared out most of my mum's stuff after she died.

Don't stop me still seeing her, though -

over the caff, in the car lot.

Do you know what? I wish she was still here.

I mean, she...

Whatever happened, whatever went wrong,

Pat always knew what to do.

Always knew when you were in trouble.

-Yeah, probably cos I was never out of it.

-Probably.

She was the one who told me Cindy had died.

Was she?

She was there with me when I told the kids, as well.

I couldn't have done that without her.

Hardest thing I've ever had to do.

Well, I thought it was the hardest thing I'd ever have to do.

There are people that can help you, mate.

OK, your mum's not here. My mum's not here.

But there's other people that can help you through this.

And professionals, you've not even picked this up yet.

There's people who can help you through this, Ian.

There's a way through, is there?

There's always a way through. Always.

I mean, look at me, my mum wouldn't recognise me -

the original walking, talking disaster

about to become a respectable family man.

I mean, who'd have laid any sort of odds on that, eh?

-You and David?

-In her twisted imagination.

-Why would she imagine something like that?

-I don't know, Tel.

She used to be your girlfriend, you tell me.

Bianca does fly off the handle, fair enough.

I could have done her for assault, you do realise that, don't you?

Not usually for no good reason, though,

and I had wondered about the two of you myself.

Hi. Ian said he's left last week's wages in the till.

-Yeah, they're in there.

-Oh, cheers.

-All right, Carol?

-All right?

-Good luck for tomorrow.

-Cheers.

Yeah, you picked a really good one there.

-Thank you.

-See you later.

All right, we might have had a little cuddle,

but that was a couple of weeks ago.

-I weren't about to tell Bianca that, was I?

-No.

-Not being funny, he was up for it just as much I was.

-I bet he was.

And maybe a kiss, but that was a few months ago.

Great.

-I've spoke to your grandad.

-And?

Well, he's explained everything.

Don't tell me - I was hallucinating.

No. You saw what you saw.

But you just didn't see what happened after.

You know, when he told her to do one and knocked her back.

He told her he didn't want to know, Liam.

Look, it ain't what it looked like to you, is it?

Look, Mum, I know what I saw.

And what I saw in that text, too.

Everything all right with Grandad?

-What do you mean?

-What's the deal with the scarf?

He picked up a bug the other week, had a cough, it must be that.

I've not heard him cough once since I got here.

Right. Dishing up in about five minutes.

Mick, what's the deal with Grandad's scarf?

Oh, yeah. It's ridiculous, innit? At his age.

You watch, he'll be wearing a syrup next.

So how did it go?

-Went all right, I think.

-Good boy.

Yes, Carl, what can I get you?

Here.

You need to speak to me? What about?

Found this earlier.

-Your birthday card?

-Yeah.

Everyone signed it. Some people even left messages.

-That's yours.

-Yeah?

And this is yours, as well.

The writing's exactly the same.

Well, it was...

What? A joke? What if Ian had read it?

What if Peter had read it? What were you thinking?

What's the point?

-MICK:

-Enjoy.

-Bit weird all this, ain't it?

-What?

-Dean.

This caring grandson act,

couple of weeks ago he'd washed his hands of all of us.

Maybe he's had a change of heart.

-Maybe.

-What does that mean?

Oi, oi!

Bianca's on the warpath, she's been bending my ear about you.

-So listen to me.

-Keep your loon of a daughter away from me.

Bending your ear? Lucky you.

Cos I've been on the receiving end of some serious bodily harm.

-You ain't said nothing, have you?

-Not to her, no.

-To anyone?

-No, not really.

-What's that supposed to mean?

-I said, didn't I? No!

It's true, ain't it? My dad and that trollop.

I tried to tell Liam what he told me. I nearly bought it an' all.

But, saying it out loud, I could hear how it sounded.

And it turns out there's a text message from her an' all.

-It was only a hug, weren't it? Nothing else.

-You knew about this?

I only found out today, didn't I?

And there was something that happened a few months ago an' all.

Nikki's trouble, she's always been trouble.

But it does take two, don't it?

Look, please don't go off the handle on this.

You know, it's Nikki we're talking about here.

Didn't stop him, though, did it?

-Hey, I want a word.

-That's funny, I wanted a word with you an' all.

-About Grandad.

-Great minds.

So, this court case of his... It is his, isn't it?

Sure, you go first.

What?

It's just something Grandad said the other day got me thinking.

It's not really his style, is it, dealing dodgy phones?

And, even if it was,

I don't think he'd be so stupid as to actually get caught.

And what with you being all nice to him all of a sudden,

-going and fetching his stuff an' that.

-All right. It wasn't my idea.

So this is down to you?

-You're taking the rap for him.

-I didn't ask him to.

-What?

You could have put your hands up yourself, though, couldn't you?

Hand myself in and get him a charge of wasting police time?

-So you let an old man front up for you?

-Smooth, very smooth.

Oh, yeah, cos you lot care about him so much...?

We really don't need this kind of trouble.

Dean!

I think you've got enough of that already?

-How'd you get that?

-That's a good question, Johnny.

Does anyone know? Mum?

This is nothing to do with your mum.

And how would you know that?

Dad?

I'll tell you exactly how it happened.

I know I made a promise, but at my age,

if you can't let your hair down...

What does that mean?

I was three sheets to the wind.

Instead of doing what I should have done, collapse into my pit,

I decided to have a bath.

-Soppy old mug.

-As soon as I got in,

my ankle gave way and I fell against the edge of the bath.

I didn't feel a thing...

just went splashing around like a beached whale.

Which is when Mick came in and lifted me out.

-Not a pretty sight, eh, Mick?

-No. I'm still having nightmares.

HE LAUGHS

I'm feeling it this morning, so if you don't mind, son...

And that's what happened, is it?

Calm down, Columbo. I told you, she wasn't there.

Mum?

You heard what your grandad said.

Now please, can we all just go and eat?

No, I don't believe a word of it. Something's going on.

I don't know what it is, but something's definitely going on.

You lot can play happy families on your own - I'm not interested.

I need to show you something.

I can't have you thinking bad of me.

She wouldn't have meant that.

Well... What about these then? She...

She sent me these as well.

Friendly advice, she said.

About my weight...

and my hair.

Carol...

She said we should all chip in for flowers...

and I lost it, I suppose.

Just...

Please don't say nothing, Tam.

Cos Peter's in a state as it is.

I didn't mean for it to go down the church...

..and I didn't want her dead...

But I'm not a hypocrite, OK?

I...

I hated her.

I'm sorry...

..but I really did.

Mine's going to look rubbish now.

Your what, darling?

-Well, I've got you a little something.

-Sonia...

I don't even want to give it to you now after what David's done.

Come on, give it here.

It's for on top of the cake.

And it's lovely.

-Really?

-Really.

Everything is.

Thank you, darling.

-Sweet, ain't it?

-Which one's me?

HE SIGHS

-Cheers.

-What's a little white lie compared to all this?

Business up and running, family all together.

Well, nearly all the family.

Erm, listen, I...

-Last week...

-We all do it, things we regret.

And Dean'll come round with the right incentive

because he wants to, no matter what he said just now.

-Why? You got something in mind?

-Hmm, I have.

Mind you, it'll cost,

-so I'm going to need my money.

-What money?

The money I lent you. I'm afraid I want it back.

I'm not!

All right. Catch you later.

That was your mum. Will you tell her I am definitely not wearing a tie?

-You lied to me, didn't you?

-Eh? Oh, not this again.

You lied to me, and you got Liam to lie,

and you cheated on a woman with cancer.

-I told you the truth, love.

-You said it was once.

-It was.

Not according to Nikki, cos she's been talking to Terry

and she said it was twice.

No. It happened once, darling, months ago.

I was in a state, all right?

Your mum had turned me down, I thought we was finished.

It was one little kiss,

and it was a stupid mistake and I shouldn't have done it.

But what Liam saw a couple of weeks ago, that was nothing!

She was bleating on about losing her job.

I felt sorry for the girl, I put my arm around her,

and the next thing I know she's trying to kiss me.

I said to the girl, "No way. Back off and leave me alone."

It wasn't worth telling you about.

So what else wasn't worth telling me about?

-I'm scared, Dad.

-Bianca...

I'm scared that Mum's going to get hurt.

I'm scared of what this might do to her, how she is now...

..whether she'd even come back from it.

Look, I don't want to hurt her, all right?

I don't. And I won't, I promise.

You know, a kiss, a hug, once, twice...

Whatever it was, I know it wouldn't have been serious. And Nikki?

I know she ain't no threat an' all.

There's only one threat to you and Mum, ain't there?

And that's you.

-SOBBING:

-The only one that really matters.

So, if you've got any doubt, any doubt at all...

I haven't, darling.

Is that why you would just go

and do this with someone you don't even care about?

SHE SIGHS

Don't do it.

Please.

If there's any part of you that's got any doubt at all...

..don't turn up tomorrow.

Probably just some stupid joke.

Who'd joke about something like that?

It's best forgotten.

-It's just silly nonsense.

-No, it's not. It's traditional!

So's Changing of the Guards.

You're not planning on inviting any Beefeaters, are you?

How do you know?

-Something old is the first one, ain't it?

-Oh, that's easy. Just look at the bride.

Don't be silly. You're beautiful.

Still need something else.

-Morgan!

-Thanks, Morgan.

-We've got this.

-Oh.

Let's have a look. Where'd you get that from?

Your box of old photos.

I forgot about that one.

-Look at his spots.

-Oi, oi! Don't!

Anyway, tell you what, I've got my mum's old ring.

-Yeah, lovely.

-OK. Something new.

That's easy.

-You'll all see.

-Oooh!

Something borrowed.

The money to pay for this lot. Poor old David.

-Weren't that expensive.

-Most of it was past its sell-by date anyway.

-What?

-Nah, I'm joking!

-Ooh, you. I could borrow this.

-Er...

And put it back later.

-What's the next one?

-Oh, something blue. Look, brought this from home.

-Ain't it lovely?

-That's not going to go with my wedding dress, darling.

Don't go with anything.

Why? It's nice! What's wrong with it?

-It's green.

-It's not.

-It IS green.

-Yes, it is. Mum?

-Where's she gone?

Oh, you're wearing the tie, then?

Well, I will be. I'm just getting the knot right.

Can't get anything past you, can we?

-Why, you trying to?

-Bianca.

I am going to wear this tie to make your mum happy, yeah?

Because there is nothing - nothing -

I want more than to make today the best day of your mum's life.

No second thoughts, then? No doubts at all?

None.

How much more proof do you need, eh?

I'm wearing the tie. I've even agreed to let Sonia drive us.

Though God knows how we're all going to fit in there.

I love her, Bianca. I always have and I always will.

And today, I finally get to show her

and you - the whole world! - how much.

So just let me do that, yeah?

-And I love you.

-We've got a problem.

-Oh, yeah? What?

-Something blue.

-We ain't got nothing.

-Ain't got what?

-You know, something old, something new...

-We've got the first three. We just haven't got the something blue.

Oh, yes, we have. Or we will have. What time are we going?

-Half past 12.

-Right, that's perfect.

It don't matter anyway.

Like Mum said, it's only a silly old tradition. It's not important.

Hey, it's our wedding day! Every single bit of it's important.

-You OK?

-Yeah.

I want to ask you something.

FRONT DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

Bianca?

-It was Dad.

-Where's he gone?

-To get you a surprise.

-What surprise?

It wouldn't be a surprise if we told you, would it?

Something blue, all right? He didn't tell us what either.

-How long will he be? I've not seen him all morning.

-That's good!

-You're not meant to on the wedding day.

-Yeah, it's bad luck.

What did you want to ask me?

Mum?

Will you walk me in? To the registry office?

It's not like in church, down the aisle or anything,

and I was going to do it all by myself, but...

Will you?

Oh, that'd be lovely.

Liam?

Er, yeah. Course.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, he can go the whole hog. Dress you up as a page boy.

Come on, I'll make you a tea.

-That was for Nan.

-Look, trust me, Liam.

If you don't want to trust Grandad, you don't have to.

But trust ME.

He's serious.

He won't let her down again, I promise.

Please?

Aw, you're so handsome.

Just a couple of days. A week. Two at the most.

I can't really give you what I haven't got.

OK.

OK, I'll see what I can do.

-Trouble?

-Tilers are playing up. Nothing I can't handle.

-It's just the old man. Calling in his loan.

-Loan?

Yeah, the readies he gave us to fix up the boozer.

That wasn't a loan, Mick, that was money that he owed us

for all the years of grief he put us through!

It's his money, Shirl.

Doesn't matter which way you argue the toss,

it's his, and he wants it back.

Who wants what back?

Dad. His pound of flesh.

He wants the cash back that he gave to us.

He didn't give us anything, did he? At least, that's the way he sees it.

Who cares how that old git sees anything?

-I do. A debt's a debt.

-It's ten grand, Mick!

I know. And it threw me at first when he said it,

and I'd love to tell him to stick it right up his bottle.

-But I'm not like that.

-Why's he want it, anyway?

STAN: Going to wish me luck, are you?

Blimey, hope the judge don't eyeball me like that.

No, I hope he reaches for the black cap.

Sorry, can you help me?

It came out in the mid-'70s, it's called Misty Blue.

-Please say you've got it. It's important.

-Give me a sec.

-Do you remember it? Hey!

-There you go.

-Result.

No, this is the Eddy Arnold version. I want the Dorothy Moore version.

Just about sums you up, don't it, living in the past?

If it weren't so funny it'd be tragic.

Do you know, Nikki, this time tomorrow I'll be heading off

to a paradise island, looking forward to sipping cocktails

in the sun. Yeah, really tragic.

David Wicks, a happily married man? Do me a favour.

-Do me a favour as well.

-Do you know, we could have had something.

-I don't care what you said to Bianca.

-Do one.

-What have you got to look forward to now?

-A wedding.

-Have you got it or not?

-A lifetime stuck indoors with Mrs Doubtfire.

It's not too late, you know.

-Funnily enough, that's what Bianca told me.

-She was right.

-She told me something else as well.

-Go on.

-How good it felt.

-What?

-David!

-She was certainly right about that one.

HE CACKLES

-You all right, babe?

-Sorry.

So are you going to tell me, or are you going to keep schtum

-all the way to the court?

-Tell you what?

Why you were standing outside the pub like that.

-I wasn't going to come in, was I?

-You looked a right lemon.

Not after yesterday.

You got it wrong yesterday.

If you hadn't have gone charging off like that I'd have told you that too.

This is not Mick or your mum telling you this.

It's me.

Peter, I was thinking - maybe me and Lexi could come with you.

I'm only popping in for a few minutes.

-We could bring a cake or something.

-But I've got Luke on the stall.

That might be what your dad needs, a little family visit, Peter.

All right?

I'm not stopping.

Look Peter. I know I hurt you, all right?

-But I just want to help.

-I'm back, aren't I?

-Shall I get that Swiss roll, then?

-Yeah.

-BABY CRIES

-I'll go.

-Pops?

-What?

-What's this?

-Nothing.

Ian?

KNOCK ON DOOR Ian? I know you're in there.

-It's a perk of the job.

-A pickled egg is a perk of the job,

a bag of chips at the end of the night's a perk of the job, all right?

-This is stealing off my boyfriend's dad.

-It ain't my fault.

He's just lost his daughter as well, Pops.

-Mo's been putting the heat on me.

-I don't care if Mo's been frying you alive in the chip fryer!

Look, madam, do you realise we've only got one regular wage

-coming in at the moment?

-Yes, I do!

-And if you don't get rid of this we'll have none.

-How?

-All right.

-Got it.

-Cool.

-Really?

-Yep.

Why are you doing this? Why are you locking yourself away?

And what's with all these boxes?

Something I was going to do. I changed my mind.

I just need some space, OK? But really, I'm fine.

You don't look too fine to me.

-You know how it is. It takes time.

-Yeah.

Little steps, yeah?

-Well, as long as you're actually taking 'em.

-Yes. I'm taking them.

Good.

-Keep your eyes shut while that dries, yeah?

-All right, darling.

-How old were you here?

-What? Oh, 13, 14?

Can't have been much more.

That photo was taken at some grotty school dance.

And look at you now. Jetting off to some fantasy land.

Do you know what? That's all we talked about back then.

Going to live on some desert island somewhere.

Mind you, that was as much to get away from Derek as anything else.

-And Dad remembered.

-Looks like it.

So a leopard can really change its spots, eh?

-Finished?

-Yep.

Well, thank you.

Do you know what? Six months ago I didn't even think I'd be here.

And if you'd have told me

I was going to be putting on my wedding dress...

Thank you so much, both of you.

It's perfect.

Right.

Out of stock. Out of stock...

I don't believe it. No-one online's got it either.

I wonder if that record shop down in Shadwell's still open.

Record shop? What're you talking about, record shop?

-Was that before CDs, was it?

-HE CHUCKLES

She's gonna be floating on air, your sister, when she sees it.

She already is.

-Saw her last night.

-Did you?

I never thought I'd see this day.

Or that I'd be giving you my blessing.

Remind me. Blessing. Ask for it, did I?

Seriously, you mess her about and you'll regret the day

-you ever laid eyes on her, and that's a promise.

-I won't, Max.

And that's a promise as well. Right.

I am going to get this last little surprise sorted, and get myself wed.

Try not to run the place into the ground while I'm away.

Don't think I'll sell that many motors.

I'm a bit Billy no-mates round here at the moment.

Come on, how many times have I been the local pariah, eh? Yeah.

-Listen. Thanks, anyway.

-What for?

Well, you know, standing by me. Everything.

Ride it out, Max. Yesterday's news before you know it - always is.

-Good job, where me and you are concerned. Ta-ta.

-See you there.

HE WHISTLES

We're just going to roll over on this one, are we?

You heard what Mick said.

Oh, Mick does his caveman bit and that's it, is it?

This isn't just our business, Linda, this is our home.

I say stick it, and so do you. And the kids,

they're not exactly going to be happy when they find out, are they?

They've put their heart and soul into this place.

Just for some bitter old man to come along and pull the plug.

-And what's he going to do with it?

-Stick it under the mattress?

Stick it on some three legged bow-wow down at the greyhound track.

Give it to Dean.

-What?

-Give it to Dean.

He's going to get him set up on his own or something.

Oh, Sharon, just the woman.

I don't think I am, not when you're supposed to be

getting married to another one in... When is it?

Yeah. Soon. Very soon. Listen, record shop,

down Shadwell - is it still there, do you know?

I can't find the number, and I'm sure my mum said

-she used to buy the singles for the juke box there.

-Yeah, so did Dad.

-But it closed down, few years ago.

-Oh.

-Moved to Hoxton.

-Did it?

-Yeah. Huge now, apparently.

Yeah, but it's parking in Hoxton. You can't park round there, can you?

-You're looking for records on your wedding day?

-I know.

It is for the wedding, the record. It's the final little touch.

Aw. Pat would have loved all this, wouldn't she?

I finally get to put a smile on the old girl's face,

-and she's not even here.

-She's here.

Yeah, I know.

You know, everyone who's special, everyone you love -

they always are on days like today.

-Sounds like you've got someone special in mind yourself.

-Yeah.

No second chances there.

-But you have, so if you're going to Hoxton, go.

-All right.

Cheers, Sharon. Ta-ta, love.

It's just I saw Sonia and Whitney getting stuff for your buffet yesterday.

-Billy, I told you, my kids don't eat chicken nuggets no more.

-Fish.

-Fish?

-Yeah. Make a lovely centrepiece.

Granted, it's frozen at the moment, but what time's the wedding?

Well, we've got to leave at...12.30?

-Hour and a half.

-It'll be defrosted by the time you get back.

What, is it poached salmon or something?

-Haddock.

-Haddock?

-Yeah.

Do you know what, Billy? I think we're all right for food.

-It's all right, thanks.

-Look, have it anyway. Go on.

Call it a wedding present from me and Lola.

That's unusual.

That's sweet, Billy. That's really sweet, thanks.

Don't thank me - you're hope for us all.

You and David, after all these years.

Fairy tales can come true, can't they?

-I'm off. See ya.

-See you, Billy. Thanks.

So what happened to all that rallying the troops stuff?

You know, taking on Mick?

All changed has it, now that money's for your little boy?

You know, we'd have to go to a loan shark to get that kind of cash.

-Everything we've built up here'd be completely wiped out.

-I know.

And it won't make no difference anyway.

You saw what Dean was like yesterday.

If he gets that money off Stan, we'll probably never see him again.

-You don't have to keep coming round and checking up on me.

-We're not.

I did think you were going into the restaurant this week, though.

Dad, we talked about this. You said it yourself,

it's important for both of us to try and get back to normal.

Peter's just concerned, Ian, that's all. We all are. Aren't we?

I'll stick the kettle on.

-How are you and Lola?

-We came here to talk about you, not us.

Peter, don't let a good thing just slip away, all right?

I've done it once too often myself, all right?

Please don't do it.

Tell you what - why don't you get Billy to babysit?

You and Lola, you can go out.

Spend some time together, just the two of you.

Do you remember when me and Lucy were little?

And we used to come into the caff, wanting to play? You'd give us 50p

and say, "Go play in the park," or, "Get some chips," or something.

I'm not eight years old any more, Dad.

And you're not going to buy me off with a hand-out.

You'd like to spend some time just you and Peter, wouldn't you?

Well, yeah. Of course I would.

Right. There you go. My treat.

Wow. Thanks.

Life's for the living.

That's what you were trying to say to me, wasn't it?

-Don't turn away help.

-Yep.

Same goes for you two, all right?

I'll be fine.

-Is David back?

-No, not yet.

Pulling out all the stops with this surprise, isn't he?

'Hello, this is David Wicks at Deals on Wheels. Please leave a message.'

Come through.

-This is OK, ain't it, Billy?

-Yeah. Course.

I should have phoned, really. We were looking all over the Square for you.

We were just about to go, actually.

It's a surprise, that's all. A nice surprise.

Weren't meant to be seeing you two till next week, was I?

It's all they've been going on about since they finished for half term,

coming over, playing with Daddy.

Starting right now. Who wants to go to the park?

Yes! Their other little mates gone away, yeah?

No, they're still around. PHONE RINGS

-Nothing wrong, is there?

-No, nothing at all.

Sorry. Hello? Hello, Lo.

Yeah. We're going to go to the park.

She can come with us.

Here he is, Al Capone.

Didn't get sent down, then?

Go on, what happened?

Gave the beak a bit of the old soft soap.

I didn't know it was a knock-off, Your Honour.

-Did the old wounded soldier bit.

-Not too difficult right now, is it?

Got a slap on the wrists and the don't-do-it-again routine.

Just a bit of a fine and a curfew.

So while you lot are all celebrating,

me and my companion have a little business matter to discuss.

I don't see your problem. You hate that boss of yours,

you were telling me, so now's your chance to be your own guv'nor.

-What, in Walford?

-I've got to keep an eye on my investment.

Meaning I'll be setting up down the road from the Addams family.

They're not so bad once you get to know them.

But, if you're not up for it, then I'll tell Mick not to bother.

-What's it got to do with Mick?

-Oh, didn't I tell you?

I'll be using the money that I lent them for this place.

RINGING TONE

'Hello, this is David Wicks at Deals on Wheels. Please leave a message.'

-Mum!

->

-Oh, wow!

-Told you I had something new, didn't I?

And, just cos I can...

THEY LAUGH

Anyway, it's not you lot that should be saying "wow",

it's my husband-to-be. Where is he? We've got to go in half an hour.

-It's less than that, actually.

-Call him.

Tell him to come back, give me a surprise another day.

I have. It just keeps going to answerphone.

-Try him again, eh?

-Yeah.

-This ain't right, Mick.

-Yeah, well, it's Dad's money, ain't it?

But you're stumping up money for my son.

If anyone should be doing that, then it should be me.

That's why I didn't tell you,

cos I knew that's what you was going to say.

So we can't even talk about it now?

Add it to the list, eh?

Why did you let me think that about Mum?

You were covered in paint. You wouldn't stop crying.

All I did was just put you in the bath and try to wash it off,

but all you did was keep smashing your hands in the water.

I was just a kid, Mick.

I was a kid bringing up kids. And I know that's not an excuse.

I should leave. You want me to go? Is that it?

What I want...is no more lies.

I just wasn't cut out for it. I wasn't cut out for being...

Being a mum.

But you wasn't, though. That's the point.

Just promise me, no more lies.

'Ere, Linda, you ain't seen my dad, have you?

He should be over at yours, shouldn't he?

-Ain't he getting married today?

-He just nipped out to get my mum a surprise. He must have got delayed.

Dean and I saw him. About an hour ago, was it?

Heading for the Tube.

-He'll be here any second now.

-Course he will.

Just cutting it fine.

Typical.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Robbie.

It's lovely to hear from you, darling.

Yep. Yeah, I'm doing fine.

-Anything?

-No.

I've searched the whole Square.

Nobody's seen him for at least the last hour.

-Have you called him again?

-I've tried, Bianca's tried.

His voice mail must be going into meltdown.

Anything?

Last time anyone seen him, he was going to the Tube.

Yeah, I know, it's so expensive.

-He wouldn't.

-Course he wouldn't. He'll be here any minute.

He should have been here ten minutes ago.

Son, try his phone again.

Robbie sends his love. So. No David yet?

Car's sat waiting, though.

Right. Well, best get myself settled, then.

So I'll be ready for the off.

Look at you. Someone's scrubbed up.

-You look beautiful.

-Thanks.

Where's David? He meeting you there?

Yeah. Must be.

I'm the bride, Max. Always the last to know the arrangements,

-you know that.

-Yeah.

-Thank you.

-Shut the door, darling. Thanks.

-No worries.

-Enjoy.

-See ya.

-See you there.

This is our fault, ain't it?

I knew we should have said something to her.

I did say something. To Grandad.

I said to him, "Unless you're absolutely sure, don't turn up."

This is horrible. I'm getting out of here.

I'm going to sort this.

Him and Dean.

Where are you going to get ten bags from?

I've got a few debts I need to call in.

Argh!

Well done(!) Stupid...

David, we're all ready to go! Mum's already in the car!

Where are you?

Something borrowed.

-Nan's forgotten it.

-I'll give it to her!

SHATTERING

HE PANTS

HE CRIES OUT IN PAIN

HE SPLUTTERS

HE GURGLES

HE GROANS

MUSIC: "The Devil's Radio" by Reverend And The Makers

Liam! Liam!

HE GROANS

< Liam!

Grandad!

-Whatever you do...

-What?

-..don't let them see.

Don't let them see what? Grandad!

Liam!

-I could probably fix that with glue.

-I can't believe I trusted him again.

DOOR OPENS If that's him, I'm going to kill him.

Mum! Nan! Quick! It's Grandad.

He's out in the gardens and he's collapsed. I think he's dying.

-Is Mum with him?

-What?

-She was sitting in the car, Liam!

-Well, she's not now.

-What's happening?

-I don't know.

You all stay here and look after the children, all right? Don't let them come out.

Dad!

-WEAKLY:

-I'm dying. I'm dying...

-What? What's happened? Son, where's Mum?

-I don't know.

-What's happened to him?

-Move out the way for me. I don't know yet do I? Now, David, where's the pain?

Should I get an ambulance, then? Should I phone an ambulance?

No, it's going to be quicker to go in the car.

-WEAKLY:

-Don't let them see. Don't let them see.

Shh. Just think of Mum and all those lovely times you're going to have together, yeah?

You got some front, ain't ya? After how you was with me yesterday.

And...how much are we talking?

Ten grand. HE CHUCKLES

Oh, you want me to beg you for it, is that it?

I thought you already were.

So, you going to tell me what it's for?

-My son.

-Oh, yeah? And which son would that be? Eh?

The... The Dean you slag off or the Dean you feel guilty about?

Only, I get confused.

Yes, Mick, what can I do for ya?

-Put the money back, Phil.

-This has got nothing to do with you.

It's got everything to do with me.

Sorry, Phil, she don't need your money.

Suits me.

Come on, Shirl.

Let's not fall out over this, please.

I'll... I'll be at the house later if you change your mind.

Ten minutes' time you're going to be in the hospital, all right?

Just think of Mum. You're doing this for her.

-What are you doing?

-Phoning Mum.

ENGINE STUTTERS

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Whit?

We ain't got time to hang about, Son.

Oh, forget it.

-I thought you said you'd got this fixed!

-It was working earlier.

-I thought you said you had it serviced.

-Martin did it.

-Martin?! You let Martin do it?!

VOICES ECHO INDISTINCTLY

ENGINE STARTS

Thank God. Thank God.

PHONE RINGS

Yeah, Carol? It's Max.

Listen, I'm at the registry office, but I feel a right nit.

Where is everyone? And I've spoken to the geezer.

He says if you ain't here five minutes, the whole thing's off.

-SIREN WAILS

-So I dunno what to do.

Right, I'll tell you what I'll do, I'm going to wait till quarter past,

then I'm going to make a move, all right?

We can always get 'em burger and chips. Or get 'em something here.

Oh, I'd rather they had something more nutrimental than that, Billy.

Do they still do salad in the caff?

Well, it's on the board.

Don't think I've ever seen anybody actually eat one.

Is that Carol over there?

Is that the one you were saying's getting married to David thingy?

Don't look like it now, though, does it?

I tell you - them two... Doomed.

Do you think you should go over and say something?

No, no, no. Best leave her alone.

Makes you realise, though, don't it?

All right, we split up. But we stayed friends.

It's like we can...still be a proper family, ain't it?

You don't know how much that means to me.

Right... Who wants to come to the caff?

-I don't want you in debt, I don't want Dean to go. What am I supposed to do?

-Come here.

There's a sight to warm the cockles of an old man's heart.

Assuming he had any cockles in the first place.

-Or even an 'eart.

-Any progress?

-Only, Dean and me have got plans.

-Do we?

-What plans?

All in due course.

What's he up to now?

-Have you ever taken these before?

-No.

Be sure to read the instructions. One a day, every day. It's important not to miss.

And you mustn't expect them to work straightaway.

It could take anything up to a fortnight before they kick in.

Look, I had all this off the doc. How much do I owe you?

-You pay for your prescriptions?

-Yes.

£8.05p. And if you can just sign there.

-Thank you.

-Ian?

-Not now, Sharon.

-Excuse me? Are you going to pay for that?

-Sorry.

Ian!

-SHE KNOCKS

-Ian?

-Ian! Ian!

-KNOCKING

Are you all right?

I'll pop back again later, shall I?

-Where's the something blue?

-Dad, you've had a heart attack!

Yeah, so everyone keeps telling me.

-You could've died!

-Where is your mother?

You've asked me 15 times. I don't know! Sonia, he's not taking this seriously.

Neither would you if you'd been dosed up to the eyeballs on morphine.

HE CHUCKLES WHEEZILY

David I've just spoken to the doctor, all right?

-They're going to take you up to the cath lab in a minute.

-Bring it on.

-See what I mean?!

-Shh.

They're going to insert a wire into the artery in your groin,

and it goes right up to your heart to disperse the clot. OK?

All right. No worries, no worries.

-All right. The nurse will be in in a minute to get you undressed.

-Eh?

No, no! I can't get undressed in front of them.

-David, you haven't got choice.

-No! I can't let them see.

See what?

-HE WHISPERS:

-What I've got on underneath.

So what do we think? Plenty of room for a chair and a sink.

And the old red and white pole outside.

-Few mucky mags for the customers while they're waiting and we're in business!

-We?

I've already thought of a name. "Something For The Weekend, Sir?" What do we think?

If I'm setting up on my own, I don't want to be a barber, I want to be a stylist.

What kind of a pansy word is that? You cut hair, you're a barber.

In a salon it's men AND women. That's where the real money's at.

Only we're going to need more than a sink and a chair.

-How much are we talking?

-How much have you got?

-20,000 suit you?

-Oh, look at his face!

-Where are you going to get 20K?

-I'm not. Might manage ten, though.

-Have you got it now?

-HE CHUCKLES

-What's so funny?

Let's go and have another word with that son of mine.

Ta.

'Ere, do you remember when you was little

and I had you believing that Mick Hucknall was my dad?

-What? What you talking about?

-You know. Mick Hucknall. Simply Red. You know, big in the '80s.

-Yeah, you didn't.

-Yes, I did.

-No, you didn't.

I did! You know.

# Holding back the years. #

I'm actually trying to read something here.

What you reading, anyway?

"Equality and Diversity Competencies in Geriatric Care."

-What's that when it's at home?

-Teaching Grandma to suck eggs.

I mean, what do they think I do here all day?

-Oh, no!

-What?

Sister Jarvis. What's she doing down here, anyway?

-Why is that a problem?

-Because I've taken all of my annual leave

and I phoned in sick this morning. What am I going to do?

Well, just admit that I had you fooled that Mick Hucknall was my dad.

-I'm not admitting to that.

-Er, excuse me...

All right, all right! You fooled me, all right?

See, wasn't that difficult, was it?

Two more teas, please.

-So, what time are you thinking of setting off?

-Hour or so.

You don't have to. Been thinking,

you and the kids could go in my bedroom and I could kip on the sofa.

Then we could spend the rest of the afternoon and the evening together.

Yeah, but Janet and William are looking forward to

spending some time alone with you.

-Billy? Do you know where I can find Peter?

-Um...

-Oh, hello.

-Hiya.

Oh, hang on.

PHONE RINGS

It's just that I've been in a mess with pills myself and...

I don't want to see you go that way.

Anyway, Ian, look, call me back when you get this message, OK?

Sorry about that. I was asking about Peter?

Yeah, he's gone into town with Lola. Is there a problem?

-Well, have you got a key for Ian's?

-No, sorry, Sharon...

-No, don't worry.

Anyway...you sure I can't change your mind?

I think we should stick to what we agreed, Billy, yeah?

-For the sake of the kids.

-Yeah. Yeah.

What do you mean you haven't got it? You're sitting on, what,

-a million pounds' worth of real estate here?

-Dad, we've been over this.

This is your nephew's future you're talking about.

Where's your sense of family?

-If he caves in to this, I'm leaving him.

-To hell with this.

Shirley, you can't just disappear in the middle of a shift.

Ian!

I know you're in there!

COMPUTER GAME BEEPS

Why are we all sitting here, pretending like nothing's happened?

-You what?

-It's disrespectful.

No, it's a distraction.

Yeah, what else have we got to do?

Morgan, will you turn that thing off?

It's really starting to get on my nerves.

And I'd like my computer back, please.

-I'm halfway through an episode.

-And I need to check my e-mails.

-Very respectful.

-You didn't even ask if you could borrow it.

So, why weren't your dad invited to the wedding?

-Why wasn't yours?

-He was. Couldn't make it.

Well, neither could mine.

-Sorry?

-Nothing.

-What was that look for?

-What look?

You saw it, Morgan. DOORBELL RINGS

-What's your problem, Rebecca?

-You love stirring it.

What? Cos I mentioned your dad?

You don't know anything about what's going on between my mum and dad

so shut your mouth!

You all right?

-Just you three, is it?

-Whitney's upstairs.

Right, where's your nan? David?

What's the problem?

-Why isn't it in the safe?

-I was expecting you.

-I know you, remember.

-Look, don't say anything to anyone.

I don't want this getting out. Thanks.

Phil!

-Just...just helping Shirley out with a loan.

-So I see.

What's up?

I think Ian might have done something stupid.

So no news from Mum?

How's Tiff and Morgan?

All right then, I'll see you when I see you, yeah?

Liam's out looking for her apparently.

-How long do you think he's going to be?

-Any minute now I'd say.

-It's like this is his punishment.

-Punishment for what?

You were going to say something then.

It don't matter.

You all right, Dad?

Just had an hosepipe shoved up me crotch. What do you think?

I know what you're thinking.

I'm not thinking anything right now apart from Ian.

Ian?

Well, go on, then.

Just hope me knees are up to it.

Well, maybe he's upstairs.

Well, if he is, he ain't taken any pills. Look.

And now we've kicked his door in.

So don't come running to me when he hands you the bill.

Well, where is he? Ian!

So, no David, no wedding.

Soon they'll be queuing up to say "I told you so."

How are you feeling?

Numb.

This'll make you laugh.

For years and years I wanted to be him.

A little part of me still does.

Sorry? Who?

David. I wanted to be David Wicks.

You are joking?

No.

Not that long ago, he...

He said that he envied me.

If only he knew.

Why would anybody want to be David?

Well, Cindy was crazy about him in a way that she never was with me.

And I just thought that if I had a little bit of what he had...

..then maybe I wouldn't hate myself as much.

Oh, Ian...

Carol, have you got any idea...

how much of a struggle it is to pretend to be someone you're not?

I mean, for him it's easy, I mean, it's just so very easy.

You think you're putting on an act?

What do you think David's doing?

His whole life is an act.

David is the most damaged person I know.

Insecure, vulnerable, needy.

If you're talking about hating yourself, step aside cos, seriously,

David wears that crown - trust me.

You're just saying that to try and make me feel better.

No, I've known him since I've been at school.

You know, I know every little corner of his squalid little life.

So why are you marrying him?

Well, I'm not, am I?

Right, why WERE you marrying him?

My mum used to say...

"The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing."

Of course she was talking about my dad.

With some people it's booze, drugs, fags.

With me it's always been David.

PHONE BEEPS

Arms are getting too short.

Right, Sharon's waiting for me back at mine. I wish she'd stop.

-She's just trying to look out for you.

-I know, but I can't face her.

Yeah, well, I can't face the kids.

But sooner or later I'm going to have to. Come on.

I'll walk back with you.

I'm really aware that we've not mentioned Lucy.

Or your breast cancer.

Good, innit?

Come here.

Thanks.

Tiff and Rebecca have got the hump with each another,

but apart from that everyone's fine.

How should I know?

No, it's just me and the kids.

No, Whitney's out an' all. Think she's gone lookin'.

Bianca, don't freak out.

It's your mum, it's what she does. She'll be all right. She'll turn up.

Yes, course I'll stay here.

Yeah. All right, speak to you later. Bye-bye.

Can we have some of that?

No.

I'm worried.

What, and you think that's going to make you feel better?

I've got a story about your nan.

Family folklore, this is.

She was nine, thought she was going to be Queen of the May

or something, school fete.

So she's got a fancy frock on, she's got a little tiara, the whole works.

But the school, they make a mistake, they give it to another Carol.

Now, your nan, apparently she's fine with all this,

but before you know it, she disappears.

Gone. Total panic.

My mum and dad going nuts, you've got half the East End out

looking for her, it's getting dark, Police are called. Everything.

Know where she was?

Outside toilet, back of the house all along.

That's where she was hiding.

True story.

We don't have an outside toilet.

She's doing it again!

Tiff, just get in here, will you, please?

She keeps talking about my mum and dad.