06/01/2012 EastEnders

-All right?

-Yeah. You?

Yeah...

Hurry up, you're late.

-Sorry.

-Yeah, you're late because you're...

-Oi, shut up. I wasn't!

-I saw you.

-Oi!

He's fast, he's efficient, he's...Special Delivery Man!

Kinetic energy transfuser. Every superhero needs one, you see. Hey?

-You've finished your round already? So fast?

-Got my nanospeed jacket!

You should have gone to the hospital last night.

Oh, um...yeah. Oh, it's much better. Where's Syed?

Don't know. Is there a problem?

Um...no. Quite the opposite, actually.

Syed kissed me last night.

-Yeah, I thought I'd treat us.

-Feeling guilty?

Well, you were the one that stood me up, remember?

Yeah. No, I'm sorry about that, but Bianca wanted to talk to me.

Hello, darling. Why aren't you at school?

She had a bad dream. Didn't you, darling?

Mum was crying in the night.

Yeah, well, she was crying about Nana Pat, wasn't she?

Listen, why don't you get your book bag ready

and I'll take you to school later, yeah? All right, darling.

I told you we should have chucked him out.

He's no good, Carol. You can't trust him.

So, you had a nice time at the Vic last night? You never said.

Yeah, so-so, you know.

-Weren't on your own, though, were you?

-No.

I met a bloke who runs a limo company.

He's looking for sales executives in the area.

Well, if I'm going to stick around, I got to put feelers out, ain't I?

Got to familiarise myself with the community.

-One bed at a time?

-Eh?

This bloke, he go by the name of Roxy Mitchell, does he?

-You WERE there?

-Yeah.

You were busy, so I thought I'd just leave you to it.

Oh, come on, Carol. You don't seriously think that...?

Well, I mean she's got her attractions, you can't deny that.

Big...big mouth, bit wild.

Reminds me of someone I used to know...

So that's it, is it? That's your big night of passion?

There's nothing to tell. It was nice.

-I'm not moving till you speak to me.

-It was nice?

-Yes!

-It was nice?!

-I'll settle for naughty any day of the week.

-Christian...

-Sorry, can you hear something?

If you listen really closely,

-that is the sound of the closet door slamming firmly shut!

-I told you, Amira kissed ME.

-Yeah, babe, course she did.

-Well, you can talk.

-I hardly think that's any of your business now.

-It is, as a matter of fact, because...

-Hi.

Hi(!)

ROXY AND CHRISTIAN GIGGLE

Cardigan!

Chavvy leggings!

If this carries on much longer,

I'm going to have to be forced to sell my body.

-Call the insurance again.

-They ain't going to pay me.

-They think I set fire to my own yard!

-They don't.

-Why ask me about explosives?

-It's a few fireworks.

Maybe if they knew that I had nothing to do with them, if they knew it was down to you?

No, they weren't mine. I was just keeping them for somebody.

-Yeah, yeah, so you keep saying, but who for?

-Yeah?

-Just a friend. Nobody you know.

-Either way, I'm the innocent party.

-All right, just pass the phone.

-No, no, no!

-You gotta go to the police.

-Go? No, no, I don't know about that...

-They got to make a report, innit, Pops.

My life is going downhill faster than the Jamaican bobsleigh team,

so please, go to the police!

-Go home if it's that bad.

-I thought I'd give your mum and dad some space.

-It's nothing a massage wouldn't fix.

-I can't. I've got to go to the restaurant.

-Trust me, this is my I-couldn't-give...

-It better be. OK?

-I'll settle up.

Oi! I don't know what you two think you're playing at, yeah, but stay away from Christian.

-Do you understand me?

-Fine by us.

-Good.

-Rrr-rrrg!

-How many times?!

BOTH: Do not try before you buy!

Ignore them, Syed.

-I think you'd look really nice if you wore your hair on one side.

-Yes, do my hair. Do it.

THEY GIGGLE

-Any news on the B&B?

-Uh-uh. Still waiting. How's Tamwar?

-He's getting stronger every day. I'll see you.

-See you.

Uh-huh?

Look, I know, she's my sister, but I find it's usually best to just try and ignore her.

I've got to do something to help her.

How's getting yourself in trouble with the police going to help?

With a bit of luck, they might be too busy with Phil Mitchell.

-I haven't picked them up.

-Let me have a look.

-I haven't.

You must have done.

PHONE RINGS

-Oh, you are not going to believe this.

-What?

-Come on.

-What?

-Come on!

-Where are we going?

Aren't you a lucky boy, eh? Look what Uncle Andrew got you!

Maybe he could read it to you at bedtime, eh?

I'd really like that.

I never had bedtime stories when I was a kid.

Mum tried, but they always ended up being about her.

You could always spend the night with us, if you wanted to.

What? You mean...the whole night?

Yeah.

Maybe, yeah.

I better go. Auntie Dot wanted me to help her put the bins out.

Ooh-ooh!

# It's gettin' hot in here So take off all your clothes... #

I thought you'd lost weight.

So, um, who's been doing the duvet boogie?

You and Adrian? Look, I know what it's like.

Trust me, I know. You dim the lights,

a little bit of jerk chicken and white rum to get you started,

Keith Sweat for the ambience, chemistry turns into biology...

I was never any good at science.

It's true what they say, there's always somebody that's worse off than yourself, innit?

Right, babe? Listen, what you need

is the Kimberley Fox Guide To Getting Her Man.

Think of me as Gok Wan.

I don't have time for personal vendettas, Ms Fox.

-They tend to mess things up.

-It was a few leaflets, that's all.

You haven't told Mitchell about Frank Butcher's letter? Good.

The minute he finds out we're onto him, he'll have his brief crawling all over us.

-We need to get a head start if we're going to get anywhere.

-If?! People are dead cos of him. If?!

-Denise, we're busy in the shop, you know.

-Where's Kim?

-I don't know. I don't know.

We'll get him, don't you worry. I've got a feeling Mitchell's luck is about to run out.

-If you're guilty, you can only run for so long. We're done. It's fine, honestly.

-OK. Excuse me.

Something wrong, Mr Trueman?

PHONE RINGS Oh, excuse me, I'm so sorry.

Yes, sir?

OK, no. No problem. Yeah, I'll be there right away.

I'm in pain, Syed. It's the least you can do.

Oh, it's really hurting...

-Syed, go on.

-Amira...

Well, isn't this cosy?

Um...we're not open.

The keys to the gym? You found them.

Syed, just give them to him.

Sy, come on, I've got clients.

Well, they can wait. I want us to start again.

-Syed...

-Don't listen to him, Christian.

-I'm not.

-You two are priceless. You belong together.

-You're right - husband and wife.

No, Amira, I love Christian.

And I want us to get a divorce so I can marry him.

-I wanted to tell you last night...

-You can't keep doing this to me, Sy.

-I mean it!

-Keys.

-Is that all you've got to say?

-Just give me the keys. Please.

-He doesn't want you. Forget him.

-Get off me.

-What about me, Syed?

-Do you realise what life will be like as a divorced woman?

-That doesn't change the way I feel...

I've given up everything to be here, to let you be part of Yasmin's life. Including my father!

We should speak to him. I'm sure he'll take you back.

At least try.

SHE SIGHS

There will be no divorce.

Amira...

I'm thinking blusher, sparkle on the eyes.

-Exfoliate, accentuate...

-You saying I'm not naturally beautiful, then?

No, no, Alfie, she's making me over.

-OK. And Kat said you could use her stuff?

-Listen, your wife is a very generous woman.

And beautiful. Come on, girls, admit it, she's got exquisite taste.

-Come on, touch me. Wa-a-a-argh!

-Come on, Heather.

50 cases

-of the finest vodka...

-Right.

-..in assorted flavours,

in search of a new and loving home.

Derek, come on. Shouldn't we be keeping a low profile after the whole fireworks thing?

Made in where?

-You will be supporting the emerging economies of the world, Alfie.

-Is that right? Yeah, OK(!)

Half the price, double the proof.

Knock that lot out, and you can take that missus of yours and treat her, eh?

You know what they say - he who dares! I reckon 2012 is going to be Alfie Moon's year.

In fact, I think it's going to be magical. Hmm.

Ricky, Ian, Patrick...

Who's that? Walford's most wanted?

Pallbearers for your mum.

You can cross him out for a start. Carry a coffin?

That muppet needs help tying his flaming shoelaces!

-Ricky was more of a son to her than you were.

-You sticking up for him now?

You got anybody else? How about your son, Joe?

You got an address for him? Number? No(?)

You ready, Tiff? No, you can't take that to school, sweetheart.

Why not? Sheniqua brings in her guinea pig all the time.

Here you are, love. Here you are, take that one instead. Give us that.

Is that Nana Pat? Whoa!

I've had it a while. You can keep that one.

Thanks, Grandad.

You don't think this is too much?

# Never too much, never too much Never too much, never too much! #

Luther...Vandross. There's no such thing as too much?

-Oh...

-Yeah?

-OK, now, you remember what you're going to do?

-Yeah. Book a table somewhere romantic.

-Yes, then you're going to get him in a corner and then pounce on him.

-Wey-hey, girls!

What do you think, Alfie?

Yes, yes, that's, um...

"Miracle" I think is the word you're looking for.

Yeah, that's one of them. Whoa, whoa, hold on. Ain't that Kat's?

Yeah, you said help yourself.

Yes, I know. Mi casa, su casa, as they say in Romford,

-but that's one of Kat's going-out jackets.

-It's going out.

Come on, Heather, you're going to be late.

-Ohh...

-See you later.

See you later. You look gorgeous, by the way.

A massage, eh? Well, that seems to have done the trick.

Your son has healing hands. Isn't that right, Syed?

-Mum, Dad, there's something...

-What's he doing here?

-Masood!

-He's not welcome.

-I invited him.

-WHY would you do that?

Who else is you going to give you a roof over your head when they kick you out?

What? No-one's kicking anyone out.

Your precious son hasn't told you?

I was going to.

I want a divorce.

Syed...

Don't worry, I'll make sure he pays you everything he promised you in the nikah.

No, no, no. Hang on. Uncle, I didn't agree to this.

-I can't make you happy...

-Tell him divorce is the last thing this family needs.

I'm not in love with you.

I never will be.

I tell you, when a black man walks into a police station

and can't get arrested, that is progress, yeah, man!

So they're definitely not going to charge you?

No. They said I was a fool to store fireworks in the house, but not a criminal.

So what took you so long?

I was having a chat with Janine... fixing somewhere for you all to live.

What?!

Well, Janine is going to give you all first refusal to the flat next door to the surgery. 3b.

I know it's a one-bedroom, but you know what they say -

beautiful things come in small packages.

And besides, you don't want me hanging around, cramping your style.

-And I've got to keep those Moon boys in check!

-Here, Kim, you heard this?

Looks like we won't be having to look at Tyler Moon in his underpants for much longer!

-Kick me while I'm down, why don't you?

-What's happening with the insurance?

-When are you going to get a cheque?

-12th of Never.

But I told them it was my fault the fireworks was there.

I went to the police station and I sat down and I told them that!

Well, you needn't have bothered. Ain't made no difference.

You, um...you look lovely.

No, I don't.

Yeah...you do.

-Taking their time, ain't they?

-Hmm...

(I mean, how long can it take to make a cheese omelette?)

Maybe we should have ordered a curry.

It's, um... It's nice to experience new things, isn't it?

We should have gone to the caff.

That's not very romantic, is it?

It is when we're sat by the window. Watching the world go by.

Yeah, and Shirley's screaming blue murder at Marie(!)

I don't notice any of that when it's just you and me.

It's like we're in our own little bubble.

Really?

Yeah...

(Shall we do a runner? What do you reckon?

(No, we can't.

(Course we can. You ain't got the bottle, have you?

(On my count. You ready?

(One...two...)

Whoa!

CHAIRS CLATTER

Please don't, Syed.

Let me...

You have to let me go.

Let me go.

-Do you think they'll charge us for the poppadums?

-If they could catch us!

-Close your eyes.

-What?

Just do it.

Keep 'em closed.

Go on, you can open 'em.

Oh, Andrew... Do you want to stay with me tonight?

-I...

-Hey! Don't you ever answer your phone?

-I had it on silent.

-Do you want to work tonight?

-You got something better to do?

-No. No.

All right? Eight o'clock. Don't be late, yeah?

I can't knock work back. I mean, it's cash in hand.

Perhaps we can do it another night, eh?

-Don't worry. I understand.

-Look, I really like you, Heather.

I swear to you. It's just that...you know...

Don't say anything. I understand.

-Now, if you don't mind, I'd rather be on my own.

-Heather...

-Please!

We knew it would happen, Zee. Sooner or later.

I know...

I'm sorry.

I didn't have a choice.

BABY CRIES

-AMIRA:

-Ssh!

She knows. She knows something's wrong.

Let me take her.

Please, Amira, I want to say goodbye to my daughter. I won't be long.

-You're letting him walk out with her?

-He IS her father.

"Pilchard."

How long's this been here, then?

Good few years. Pat had it made.

-He was the only person that she ever really loved, you know.

-She loved her kids.

Nah.

I'm sorry about earlier. You know, Joe...

-Forget it. It's all right. How's little 'un?

-Yeah.

And nothing happened with Roxy. I cross my heart.

Don't know about you, Carol, but I couldn't half do with a drink.

You coming?

Why do you want to be cramped in a bedroom when you can have the couch?

Here, don't forget your change. There you go.

I need my privacy, Dee. You know what I mean?

Er...what you doing?

What does it look like?

-Well, you're the boss!

-Not any more.

Eh?

I got nothing at all that's worth anything

apart from the franchise on this shop.

-So I'm going to put it in both your names.

-Uh, why?

I owe you.

I'm going to call head office first thing on Monday, all right?

-Oh, Patrick. This place is your life.

-Once upon a time...maybe.

Now I got my family to take care of.

-Well, don't worry, Pops, cos I am not giving up.

-Yeah, she's appealing to the insurance.

And Kimberly Fox can be very appealing.

I just want to see my two beautiful girls smiling again.

You silly, daft, wonderful man.

What we going to do with you, eh?

This don't make you the boss of me. You know that, don't you?

I thought they'd grow up together, Yasmin and Kamil.

I know.

This family is falling apart, Mas.

-Where's my daughter?

-Upstairs, packing.

-She's gone.

Really? Well, aren't you surprised, the way you treat her?

I'll sort this.

Masood, be careful.

Tell her, Kamil! This is Special Delivery Man we're talking about. There's nothing he can't do.

I'll be back in a sec.

Here, how about this for a bit of fate?

Pat's Pleasure running tonight. Helluva hound, I've heard. You all right?

I don't want any trouble, Derek.

Here, Derek, can you get your hands on any more of that old Korean moonshine?

Course I can. Course I can.

-Lovely smile, eh, old Pat?

-I know, mate, I know. Sadly missed.

I'll make sure I got my best suit on next Friday.

-Put that away. These are on me.

-PHONE RINGS

-Lads, let me get this phone, I'll be straight back.

-I'll get my own drinks, thanks.

Only I feel a certain obligation, you know?

You see, I inadvertently may have caused her tragic demise. Yeah.

We had this row.

Ruck. Quite nasty.

I told her what I thought of her. She got all...

HE WHEEZES

..breathless.

Did you hear what I said?

That's what I like about you, David.

You've got such a forgiving nature.

Now, if that was me, anyone done that to my mother,

I'd have ripped their lungs out.

Hmph!

What you going to do, eh?

I'll think of something.

-Go on, then!

-What you waiting for?

-I'd love to.

-What's wrong with you, acting like a couple of kids?

-Write yourself a one-way ticket back inside.

-I don't know why you bother with him.

-He's at it again, with that little blonde bit. Younger model, same old tricks.

-Do me a favour!

-I'm trying to look out for you.

-Yeah, well, don't.

Sexy when she's angry, eh?

Right, sorry about that. Thought you wanted some drinks?

-I tell you, babe, that David Wicks is well past his sell-by.

-Don't look now,

but Pocahontas is on her way! THEY GIGGLE

-Do you think you've won?

-That depends on what we're playing, darling!

I look everywhere and find you here, of all places!

-We're going home. Come on!

-Leave her alone. I said leave her alone!

-This is all your fault!

-If you hadn't produced that pervert...

-Oi!

-This divorce can't come soon enough.

He's divorcing you?

Hold on... Christian, wait!

You see what kind of hellhole this is, huh? Crawling with vermin.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold on, Mr Ponytail.

-This is our piece of green and pleasant!

-It's your home, Amira. It always has been.

-Uncle...

-Don't embarrass yourself any more.

-You don't have to go with him. You're part of this family.

-ALFIE:

-Mas?

No, it's all right, Alfie. He doesn't scare me.

You always were a fool, Masood.

-You know what he's like. You just have to keep pushing.

-Your brother can...

-Yeah, you know what he's capable of, David.

-Careful, Carol,

-people might start to realise that you actually care about me.

-Oh, you reckon?

Yeah. We're like Mum and Frank, ain't we? We are.

In each other's heads, you see. No-one else comes close.

So, does this flannel work on your mate Roxy?

That's really eating you up, innit?

There she was, all done up to the nines, sexy as they come. Up for it, you know?

But I couldn't.

Why not?

Cos she's second best.

Any woman that ain't you is second best.

It must be hard for you, Carol.

You hate me...and you want me.

You hate me...and you want me.

Must be doing your head in.

You'll understand one day.

I had to do this.

Your daddy loves you more than anything.

I've just seen Qadim.

Is it true?

Well, I'm getting a divorce.

-It's OK, I know it's too late.

-Look, Sy...

-You stay away from my daughter. Syed, let's take her home.

-Home?

Yeah, that's right. You see, I haven't done anything wrong.

I don't deserve to be kicked out of my home.

I've got family, an uncle and aunt who adore me.

And a business to run. OUR business.

I'm not going anywhere.

I'd make the most of it, if I was you, David...

..cos when that old tart of a mother of yours is finally in the muck where she belongs,

I'm coming after you.

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