12/01/2012 EastEnders

Are we mad?

Probably.

Grandad. Breakfast.

THEY WHISPER

-No!

-Yes...

HE MUTTERS

Hang on!

Sssh...

-All right, darling.

-You OK? You look very red.

No, I'm fine. Why don't you go downstairs, put the kettle on

and I'll come down in a minute, all right?

We should never have done this. Whenever we do it ends in disaster.

-Please.

-No, I've got to sort the kids' breakfast.

-Bianca can do that.

I've got to go to work.

-Well, take the morning off.

-Who's going to put food on the table if I don't go?

That's your trouble, always thinking about someone other than yourself.

Yeah, unlike you who only ever thinks about himself.

That's offensive.

No, that's offensive, Carol.

What are you afraid of? Being happy or getting hurt?

Or, being all alone and ending up like my mum? Surrounded by chintz.

-You take your pick. You seem to have all the answers.

-Come on...

You don't need to worry any more, you don't need to be afraid.

I need to go to work.

How about I break both his legs.

What's he done now?

Nothing. I just like the thought of hurting him.

You two got a problem?

No. It's just one of my suppliers messing me about.

Yeah, well, the less I know about your dodgy dealings the better.

The last thing I need is Roxy having more ammo for this custody case.

And the last thing you need is getting in any more trouble with the old bill.

So do me a favour, stay away from David Wicks, will ya?

Yeah. Well, the trouble with David Wicks is

he has this nasty habit of getting in your way.

-But if they really want to go...

-Ricky, funerals are no place for young kids.

-Yeah, but...

-Just polish your shoes, will ya? When you've done them, you can do mine.

But if we're not there,

-how will Nana Pat know that we've said goodbye?

-She'll know babe, all right.

But how?

-Why don't you write her a letter?

-That's a good idea.

-Can you make sure they put it in the coffin?

-I'll make sure, Tiff, all right.

You can put all your names on it. What do you reckon, Morgan?

Are you all right, Morgan? You ain't said a word since yesterday.

Mind you, with you going on all the time, I should be grateful for the silence.

Yeah, you're all right, ain't you, Morg?

-That's nice.

-Well, it's the least I could do.

Sad, ain't it?

Are Peter and Lucy coming back for the funeral?

No, they're not going to be able to make it.

Oh, that's a shame.

-You have told them about the funeral, right?

-Yeah, course I have.

And you've told them about us?

Yeah, course.

Yeah, right(!)

Mandy!

Don't mind me.

Ignore him, he's just jealous.

Aw, you still crushing on Princess Amira?

What d'you go and tell her for?

I didn't know it was a secret, sorry.

So, what, you going to make your move, then?

You can't rush things with a sophisticated woman like Amira.

TOGETHER: Oooh!

It's all right for you two, ain't it. All loved up.

Erm, well, no, cos we're not "loved up".

-No, we're far too sensible for that.

-Mm-hm.

So what are you, then?

We are...FWB.

What?

-Friends with benefits.

-Yeah, serious benefits!

SHE GIGGLES

Oi. This what passes for studying these days, is it?

Nan, it's Practical Biology.

School! Now!

And I've got my eye on you.

She one of the benefits and all, is she(?)

-But don't you think Pat would have wanted the kids there?

-When did you become an expert on what Pat wants?

I want to give her the send off she deserves. I am paying for it, after all.

Typical. Shame you didn't care more about her when she was alive.

Are you going to let her talk to me like that?

Can't you two just get on for once? You know, for Pat's sake.

One question at a time!

SHE LAUGHS

Nice to see someone happy in their work, eh.

-All right? What do you want?

-I'm feeling a bit peckish, Carol.

-Oh, well, what can I get you?

-Well, I don't know if what I want's actually on this menu.

Couple of sticky buns as well, to take away, thank you.

Tick tock. Tick tock.

D'you know what, you're like a broken record, you.

Here you are.

Keep the change.

-All right?

-Yeah, fine.

-Bring us over a cup of tea, then.

-Yeah.

All right?

You, erm, all set for tomorrow?

Yeah.

Well, I'll be there. Pay my respects.

I don't think that's a good idea.

-Why not? Pat was good to me.

-You know why not.

Oh, right, so if I'm not there, you can just carry on as normal,

pretend it didn't happen.

It was a mistake now and a mistake all them years ago.

Yeah, a mistake's right, Ricky. And a bigger one than you think.

We had a daughter.

Look, I am all up for getting Derek sent down, yeah,

but I'm not handling stolen goods.

-No. You don't have to.

-You just have to keep lookout, play dumb.

Should be a doddle for you.

She died the day after she was born.

I called her Kira.

I thought she should at least have a name.

And, when I buried her,

I threw some little white rose petals

on top of her little, tiny white coffin.

And then I tried to move on with my life.

Not that you do, you know, never really move on. Not completely.

Why didn't you tell me?

I didn't think you'd want to know.

This don't change anything, all right?

No.

Course not.

Knock knock.

All right?

-Don't suppose you've seen Jack, have you?

-Out of town all morning, love.

Oh, shame, I wanted to talk to him about Amy.

Well, I'll see he gets the message.

Thank you.

TOILET FLUSHES

I hope you washed your hands.

Just got caught short. Just, er...

That's it, yep, stuff for the gym. That's it, lovely.

Did Jack let you in?

No. He keeps a spare set of keys at the gym.

What, for emergency calls of nature?

Yeah. Yeah. Cheers, then.

Michael. Here.

What was you talking to David Wicks about in the Square earlier?

You all right, Whit?

Yeah, great.

I bet it ain't easy at yours right now.

I've really stuffed up. I've really stuffed up.

Come here, sit down. Sit down.

I didn't want to go behind Bianca's back.

-I think Morgan has a right to know his real dad.

-Yeah, course he does.

-And Bianca's going to go ballistic at me.

-Nuclear, I'd say.

But listen, when she's calmed down, she'll be all right.

This is Bianca we're talking about.

-Yeah, but it's that thing, ain't it.

-What thing?

Well, you done the wrong thing for the right reason.

Or is it the right thing for the wrong reason?

That always confuses me.

I just miss Pat. I wish she was still here.

Yeah, she was a game old bird, all right.

You really have got a way with words.

One of my many talents.

-Anyway, I've got to go, cos I've got to look after the kids.

-Yeah, course.

Well, if you need to take shelter if Bianca does explode.

I know you've got Fatboy, but, you know...

See you later.

Why don't you and me go for a drink, sunshine? Your shout.

I made you a cup of tea. You didn't have any milk.

Ricky was supposed to get some.

I just put extra sugar in there.

What, to cover up the taste of the arsenic?

Pat was the closest thing I had to a mum, you know.

I know. I keep expecting her to walk through the door.

Tiffany's really upset about not going to the funeral.

-Why are you bothered whether the kids go to the funeral?

-Because I never got to go to my mum's funeral.

They said I was too young to understand. I wasn't.

And I can remember Ricky, Diane and Clare all being allowed to go.

And thinking that...

thinking that somehow it meant she loved them more than she loved me.

Oh, now that is disgusting!

Oh, why don't you come in, Ian(?)

-Do you know where your husband is?

-All right, Ian?

-Where's Mandy?

-How would he know where she is?

-I saw them together in the Square.

-We bumped into each other.

-And where did she go after you "bumped into each other"?

How should I know?

Where's Grandad?

Maybe he's with Mandy(!)

We'll talk about this later, yeah? What do you want Grandad for?

-I need to ask him a question.

-Well, you can ask me.

What's a...trust?

And things seemed very cosy with you and Whitney.

-She was upset about Pat.

-Of course.

And you were happy to offer her a shoulder to cry on.

She's a mate.

You wouldn't do anything to hurt my Lauren, would you?

No. No, of course not. Look, me and Lauren, we're good.

We've both got stuff going on, but we have a right laugh together.

-But you do care about her, don't you?

-Yeah.

And cos you care about her, you realise

that what Lauren needs in her life above everything else

is some stability.

Direction. Purpose.

I get that.

Good. So you'll do the right thing by her.

And same again.

Trace.

Mandy, it's me. Where are you?

Give us a call when you get this, yeah?

Maybe you should take out a missing person's ad, Ian.

Do you know where she is?

Maybe I do.

Maybe she's eagerly waiting for me in some hotel room.

Or maybe you should just learn to trust the women in your life.

That's easier said than done with you around, isn't it?

How is Simon?

-I assume you're leaving after the funeral.

-I was going to stick around, actually.

It's what Mum would have wanted.

I know I was always a disappointment to her.

But maybe now I can make things right. Finally make her proud of me.

I'll tell Mandy you were looking for her.

-And, Bianca, you get Pat's wedding ring.

-Aw.

-Do you get anything?

-I get first choice of her earrings.

And what about this trust business?

OK, so Pat's left the house in trust

for the kids to split equally when they're 21, so yours,

David's, Simon's, Diane's, and Janet Mitchell.

-Great.

-The kids will be well pleased.

Yeah, a lovely gesture.

But you realise the house has to be sold to pay off the mortgage and Pat's debts?

-But they'll still get something, though, won't they?

-A pittance, really, if anything.

Well, I suppose they won't miss what they never had.

-Hang on, where are we going to live if the house is sold?

-You can still live here.

It's simple. I'll buy the house and then you can rent off me.

THEY SIGH

HE LAUGHS

Is this what we're reduced to? A quick fumble between service washes.

Yeah, just like old times, eh?

Yeah, exactly. Nothing's changed, has it?

-Well, apart from your dress sense.

-Oi!

Though I have always liked you in denim.

Maybe you're right, Carol. Maybe nothing has changed.

Maybe I am still as in love with you now as I was then.

Yeah, and maybe you're as full of it now as you were then.

But then words always came easy to you, didn't they.

It's backing them up that's your problem.

I've always believed in less talk and more action.

SHE SCREAMS

-I'm being serious.

-What?

You always say the right thing and then you do the wrong thing.

Like what exactly?

Well, you know, like saying you're going to talk to Derek

and then not going through with it.

You've changed your tune.

Yeah, well, it's my prerogative, ain't it? You know that.

So, you know what, if somewhere beneath all that flannel,

you really do mean what you say this time,

well, show me.

You know, show me that you've finally grown up

and you've stopped playing games.

Where you going? What, reality too much for you to handle as usual?

I'm not going anywhere, I promise. Just something I've got to do.

Look, I'll see you back at the house.

And we will work out a way to tell him.

Tell them all, OK.

Trust me.

Mr Derek Branning?

What can I do for you?

We've got a warrant to search these premises.

You'd better come in, then.

You know, I thought he had a right to know about our baby.

Oh, but, don't worry, it doesn't change anything(!)

And where have you been since?

I just needed some time alone, all right?

-Were you with David Wicks?

-What?!

Were you with David Wicks, OK? Simple question, yes or no.

Yeah.

Yeah, I was with David.

And we had an amazing time.

Best time ever, in fact.

There. You happy now?

Mandy, I...

Shove it, Ian.

-So sorry you had a wasted journey(!)

-This time.

Do call again(!)

-Roses or lilies?

-What?

You know, roses or lilies? I was thinking about buying Amira some flowers.

What you shaking your head at? Women like "grand gest-yur-ees".

I'll give you a "grand gest-yur-ee" in a minute(!)

Well, how about we go on a double date, then?

You know, me and Amira. You and Lauren.

Make sure it's not a school night, what time's she got to be in bed? About eight, ain't she(?)

Oh, all right, boys.

-Give us a minute, will you, bruv?

-Yeah, course.

So, did you want to get me alone for some more "benefits"?

Yeah. Look, about that.

I'm not really sure this whole "friends with benefits" thing's really working for me.

Oh, right. So what, did you want to like, "date", or...?

Not exactly.

What, then?

Well, I was thinking more friends without benefits.

-So, you're dumping me?

-I can't really dump you, cos we was never together.

-I thought we were having fun, Tyler.

-We were.

Then what's the problem?

Actually, you know what, just forget it.

Cos, well, I weren't really that in to you anyway, so...

Oh, and just for the record, the benefits...

they really weren't that great.

'Maybe it's not all bad.'

At least now he's banged up it gives me time to make things right.

-Except Derek's not going to be banged up.

-Eh?

-They didn't nick him.

No, no, no, no, ain't possible. I saw police all over his gaff.

I saw them.

-You did plant the gear, didn't you?

-Yeah. Course I did.

-Why didn't they arrest him?

-How do I know?

-Maybe he found it after I left.

-Maybe you stitched me up.

-Behave.

I want that nutter gone just as much as you.

Well, he's still around. He's going to want to know who set him up.

Your fingerprints are all over Jack's flat. I've got an alibi.

You'll be collateral damage.

MICHAEL LAUGHS

-What's so funny?

-You.

You won't be laughing when Derek finds out you set him up.

I didn't. You did.

-Well, that's what Big Derek thinks.

-Why would he think that?

I dunno. Who knows? Who knows what goes on in his tiny brain?

Maybe it's because he found me planting the gear

and I told him it was all down to you.

So how are things between you and Ricky?

On hold till after the funeral.

-Well, don't be too harsh on him.

-You've changed your tune a bit.

Look, Ricky's a good man. A stupid man.

But a good man.

And you and Ricky, well, you know, you're meant to be together.

Deep down, you know that he's the one you should be with, don't you?

I mean, if you know that, then nothing else matters, does it?

I hear congratulations are in order.

-You're looking at the new manager, girl.

-Ooh, get you.

-I think champagne's more usual.

-Yeah, well, Dad didn't have any of that in his drinks cabinet, so...

So, how was your day?

Yeah, it was good.

Hey, hey, hey. Go easy.

I was just, um, toasting your success.

Let's hope I can make a good go of it.

See, I always knew you were a big softie at heart.

-Me?

-Mm-hm.

-I'm only here for the bargain dresses.

God knows how this dump makes any money selling this kind of tat.

Well, look, I'm sure you'll knock it into shape.

Come on, then.

Right, to your new empire.

Look. I'm really sorry, I didn't mean...

When were you planning on telling us about this?

-Lucy! How did you...?

-Jane rang.

Erm...

Oh...Lucy.

Who are you?

I'm Mandy.

Mandy who?

-Here y'are.

-Thanks for doing that.

Well, can't have you say goodbye to Pat all crumpled, can we?

Don't think it lets you off the hook about Mandy.

What was you talking to her about earlier?

So?

Well, have you had any thoughts about my generous offer?

-Yeah, I have, I'd rather be homeless.

-Why are you so set against this?

Let me think(!) Because you'd be the landlord from hell. Lording it over us whenever you felt like it.

No, I wouldn't, all right? I'd have it in writing that you can stay here for as long as you want.

-On one condition.

-See? Knew it was too good to be true.

You let the kids go to the funeral.

Come on, this could be a new start for this family.

So, let's begin by all saying goodbye to Pat. Together.

Group hug?

Don't push it, Janine.

-Luckily, that dumb blonde ex of yours is as subtle as a house brick.

-What's Roxy got to do with this?

It's obvious, innit? David Wicks has roped her in on it.

I think it's about time we paid him a visit.

No, no, no. Let's let him stew a bit longer, eh?

Makes it that much more enjoyable.

Carol?

Yeah.

You OK?

Yeah. I'm fine.

Er, I think we should tell Bianca after the funeral.

I don't know how she's going to react.

And Derek, I mean he won't like it no matter how we sugar coat it.

But, you know, I'm sick and tired of worrying about everybody else...

Carol, I've got to go away.

After the funeral. I'm going to have to go away.

Oh, there it is.

-The moment it gets real you run away.

-No, no, no.

-It's nothing like that.

-No? Then what is it like? I can't believe it.

I've been so stupid.

How could I let you convince me? Believe. Hope.

Why am I surprised? That's what you always do. What you've always done.

You spin me lies and then run off.

Listen, they're not lies. They are not lies.

And I'm not running away.

-You just said you were leaving.

-I am.

And I want you to come with me.

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