16/03/2012 EastEnders


16/03/2012

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Transcript


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MUSIC: "Que Sera Sera" by Doris Day

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Time to pin the tail on the donkey! Here you are, Rose.

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Here we go. One, two, three...

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Now, don't worry. You'll all get a turn!

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Don't blame me. It's Hev's idea.

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I wanted strippers.

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-Booze.

-Fairy wings.

-And what do we get?

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A night in with the Last of The Summer Wine? Do me a favour.

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Nearly time for the roulade!

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Hev, can I have a word?

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I've got the club on standby.

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What are we doing here eating Battenberg with the blue rinse brigade?

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Mrs Branning, she offered, and I just want a quiet night, Shirl.

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We've been planning this for weeks.

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It's your last big blow-out before you become Mrs Cotton.

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Has something happened?

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No. It's nothing.

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Where's my bag? Have either of you seen me handbag?

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It's on the stairs.

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So it is!

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I know I shouldn't say nothing...

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but I've got a lovely surprise for you, Heather Trott.

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Don't make me poke you, Hev.

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I don't think I can marry him, Shirl.

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Patrick, you seen anything of Heather?

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Not since this morning. Why?

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How did she seem to you?

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A bit distracted maybe. But that's only to be expected.

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-Just that we had a bit of a barney last night.

-Lovers' tiff, I bet!

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I should go and talk to her, really.

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The girl is on her hen night, man. Let her enjoy herself now, man.

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Why aren't you out celebrating your last night of freedom?

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Stags ain't really my thing.

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Oh, come on now, man, you should be out there gathering ammunition.

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Comparing war wounds!

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I don't really know anyone round here,

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apart from Heather and my mum.

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Hey, Billy, what're you doing later?

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I'm not fighting with you, Shirl.

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Look, if he's been inside once the chances are he's going to go back there.

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Is that the type of life you want for George, eh?

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Sitting there waiting for a visiting order?

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Then you get a 30-minute conversation with some screw staring over your shoulder.

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Get your chops around this, girls!

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You'll have to excuse my sister's turban, Hev.

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-She's had a little infestation...

-Old Hollywood chic.

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I always like to keep ahead of the trend. Unlike Old Mother Hubbard here.

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Look, I know this isn't the ideal situation,

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but er... today's Hev's day, innit?

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Even though we've not seen eye to eye.

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Suppose I can forgive you for one day...

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for stitching up my old man.

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-'Ere you are.

-Cheers.

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MUSIC: "Bachelor Boy" by Cliff Richard

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OK, ladies. We've got a VIP area waiting for us at the R&R.

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Well, what about my roulade?

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Let the youngsters have their fun, Dot.

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You don't mind if we tag along, do you girls?

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Well, it is Heather's special occasion.

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-I don't want to let you down.

-It's hard to believe that you'll be a Cotton this time next week.

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Strictly speaking you'll be a Taylor. Cos hers was a bigamous marriage.

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Oh, change the record.

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Unlike her wedding do, yours will be a dignified affair.

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Married in cerise, according to all accounts.

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Well - what can you expect from a scarlet woman?

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D'you want me to go ahead, tell them the wedding's off?

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Why would you do that?

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You're not still seriously thinking about marrying that pudding?

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-Mrs Branning has gone to a lot of trouble.

-Hev!

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I can't think about this, Shirl. Not now!

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Could you tell me where I'd find 45 Albert Square?

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Yeah, it's the house on the corner, mate.

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Heather...!

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-Just let me explain, yeah?

-Stay away from her.

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-It's none of your business.

-Hev IS my business!

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Just the man I'm looking for. I'm taking you over to the Vic.

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-Now's not a good time, Patrick.

-That wasn't a request, you know.

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I'm giving Heather away, aren't I?

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The last thing you want to do

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is to upset the father of the bride. Now, come on.

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Come on, come on.

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No, no, no! No, you can't come in here!

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I'm cooking, aren't I? So...

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..pour yourself a nice big glass of red and put your feet up.

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Yeah, but I'm covering for Lucy at the chippy.

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Well... I've bought all the stuff and everything.

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I'm trying to do something nice for us, Ian.

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-I can heat it up later, can't I?

-D'you know what?

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You can make your own dinner. I'm going out.

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-Where?

-With my mates.

-Who?

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It's Fat Heather's hen do, innit? The more the merrier, I say.

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Excuse me.

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-What are you doing?

-Uh, nothing.

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Don't look like nothing. What was it?

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I write one to Mum every year. I know it's stupid. I know.

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Nah, it's not.

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MUSIC: "Searchin' (I Gotta Find A Man)" by Hazell Dean

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You holding out for a better offer?

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-She's waiting for a text from Ray, isn't she?

-Ahh...

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Can you believe it, Walford's own little party girl's all lurved up.

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I ain't lurved up, yeah?

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We've only been on one date. Innit, Dee?

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Yes, which was spent wearing an helmet.

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Look, he's just a bit of fun. I'm not even sure if I like him.

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TEXT ALERT

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So what, you ain't going to answer that?

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I'm out with the girls. Men are off limits.

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-So you don't mind if I delete it, then?

-Go ahead, I'm not interested.

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SHE GASPS

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Was that Ray?

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McKlunky's. A bucket of chicken's four quid, apparently.

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Something tells me you're the first person to ask for a sherry in here.

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Well, I thought, just the one - you know, wouldn't do no harm.

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You know, seeing as it's a celebration.

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This takes me right back.

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A quick pit stop for a Babycham, then dancing the night away at the Royal.

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That's the old place in Tottenham, innit?

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I broke many a heart on the dance floor.

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I never had no time for gallivanting, you know -

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cos my Nick, he was a very demanding baby.

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Had terrible trouble with his ears.

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My problem is I was too much like our mother.

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Men just took one look at me

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and let's face it, they knew exactly what they were getting.

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I will never feel like a lady, and I never have done.

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I think my half-sister's had one too many gin and its.

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C'mon - let's get you a glass of water.

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Mrs Branning, I'm ever so pleased you came.

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Don't you think it's time you called me Dorothy? Seeing as you're almost family.

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-Yes, Mrs Branning.

-I've got a little something for you.

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-What is it?

-Oh - just a little something to see you on your way.

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Oh, no, Mrs Branning, this is much too much.

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Take it. With my blessing.

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Yeah, but you've already got me my wedding dress...

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I won't take no for an answer.

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-He'll make a good husband, you know?

-How can you be sure of that, eh?

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Cos he's got goodness in him.

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And it's up to you to help him find it.

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Alfie, you going to come and join us for a drink,

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celebrate this boy's last night of freedom?

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Sorry, Paddy, bit busy, mate.

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Ray, what about you?

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Listen, mate, I'm at a crucial stage with a souffle right now, Patrick.

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You know I'd, er...I'd never do anything to hurt Heather, don't you?

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Where's that come from?

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She found out I've been inside.

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Doesn't that shock you?

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Your past is your business.

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It's Shirley though, innit?

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She'd do anything to try and split us up.

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What you've got to realise, son, is that you're marrying two women.

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You should hear the way she speaks to her sometimes though, Patrick.

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I wouldn't talk like that to a dog.

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It's funny, you know?

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You'd think Shirley was the one calling all the shots.

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But let me tell you something -

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she'd be hopeless without Heather, you know?

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It's true, innit?

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I'm marrying Shirley, ain't I?

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Here he is. The condemned man!

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You call this a stag? Here you are, stick that on.

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ALL CHEER AND LAUGH

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What is it?

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I told you! I told you!

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-Right, get the shots in, Alfie.

-Yeah, he'll have a shandy.

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Come on, Tracey, get your kit off. ALL CHEER

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-You didn't have to do this, you know?

-No, don't be soppy.

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-We look after our own round here, don't we, Paddy?

-Yeah, man!

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Right, well, the first round's on me.

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-Hiya.

-All right?

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Ooh, Arthur!

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Ooh, look at you. You're all buttoned up wrong.

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He's a DJ, you know?

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-Mrs B, I need to start my set.

-Why don't you come over on Sunday,

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and I'll make you one of my special steak and kidney puddings?

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-Yeah, I really should go...

-Well, I'll be right at the front,

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-and I'll be clapping.

-Great, great.

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(Just kill me. Just kill me now.)

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You've stolen my little boy.

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D'you know what, Rose? I think you've had enough.

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He may not be the sharpest tool in the box,

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but he's got a big heart. He gets it from me.

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Why don't I just take you home, Mrs Cotton, yeah?

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Now... He likes a bit of chicken.

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-Right.

-He likes it roast...

-Yeah.

-..he likes it fried...

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but he does NOT like it grilled.

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-I think it's time to go home. Behave yourself.

-I've only just started!

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SHE YELLS DRUNKENLY

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Rose, be careful, come on...

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I've still got it, Kim, haven't I?

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Oh, hello, darling...

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-Rose, come on.

-Oh!

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It's my birthday!

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Put it in a cab.

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Come on, then. Now - you've been round the houses a few times.

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What advice have you got for our Hev?

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Yeah.

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Never...NEVER go to sleep on a row.

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Fight it out and then make it up.

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That's how you keep the passion alive.

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At least it was with me.

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-All right, girls?

-DOT:

-Your attention, please!

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Sorry I'm late, Hev.

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You know what Ian's like when he's on one.

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Mrs B, what're you doing?

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You probably most of you know me. I'm Dorothy Branning, Mrs...

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Chairwoman of the Walford Neighbourhood Watch...

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-Let me handle this.

-I'm perfectly capable of public speaking.

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The Reverend Stevens is always praising me

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-on account of me gospel readings.

-Yeah, but one minute...

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Yo, yo, yo, listen, ladies and gentlemen, OK,

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cos my main girl MC Dotty B wants to say a few words, d'you get me?

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Yeah? ALL: Yeah!

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All right! Thanks...

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Well... I expect most of you know

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that Heather Trott is getting married.

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-MAN:

-Get on with it!

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Good manners cost nothing, young man.

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Now, I'd like to take this opportunity

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of asking you all to join me in raising a glass

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to wish both of them a very happy marriage. To Heather Trott!

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ALL: To Heather!

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Tip number one, never tell her she looks tired. Number two,

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never stare at Holly Willoughby more than ten seconds, all right?

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And the third one, always tell her she's right.

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You want to know the way to a woman's heart?

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It's all...in the hip action.

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Yeah, man. As soon as she know you can dance...

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the rest takes care of itself.

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So what about you and Rose then, eh?

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We're just friends, man. Nothing else.

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Oh really, yeah?

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Well, friends...with benefits.

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You dirty dog. Raymondo, you must have tips to share?

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All right. A woman loves a man who knows his way around the kitchen.

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Right, so is it true, then, that food's like a aphro...

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-Aphrodisiac.

-..disiac?

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I've got two words for you, boys.

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-Pine nuts.

-Oh, shut up!

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No, seriously, it works every time, man.

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I've got one...

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All right. Never tell your missus that her sister is a sort, right.

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because Abi, she can really throw a punch, right?

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-Ian. Come and join us.

-Nah, you're all right.

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We're giving Andrew some tips on how to be a good husband.

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And no-one's had more go's than you.

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You want my advice? Stay clear of blondes.

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Funny, innit? Eight months ago I never even knew Heather.

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Now, I couldn't be without her.

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-Pass me a bucket.

-No, don't say that...

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Got yourself a right cracker there, Andrew.

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He's a bit of a player. You want to talk to Jean about that(?)

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Oh, shut up, will ya! She's not Page Three material...

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Oi! Watch it!

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No, what I mean is, she's got a heart of gold, ain't she?

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Will you gentleman excuse me? I'm going to try the missus again.

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-Andrew...

-There ain't going to be no aggro or anything.

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I just want to talk to her.

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Oi..! Where're you sneaking off to?

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It's Andrew.

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Tonight is about spending time with your mates.

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I know it is.

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Well, it ain't like I'm going to see you much, is it, after next week?

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-What are you talking about?

-It's not gonna be the same. Hev and Shirl.

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It's all going to change.

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There's always going to be Hev and Shirl.

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I know I'm a stroppy cow, but you do know that you're my best mate?

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-Course I do.

-And I don't want a bloke coming in between us.

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-That ain't going to happen.

-So just for tonight, forget about Andrew.

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MUSIC: "Respectable" by Mel and Kim

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Here, do you remember this? 1987. Me and you down the Hippodrome, eh?

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I can still remember the moves, you know?

0:15:440:15:46

-No! Can you?

-Yeah.

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-Shall we have a go?

-No, you go first.

-No, you go first. Go on.

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Let's do it together. Go, go, go...

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Can I get a glass of champagne, please?

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Oh, you can put it on Heather's tab.

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# Take or leave us only please believe us

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# We ain't ever gonna be respectable (Respectable)

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# Like us, hate us but you'll never change us

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# We ain't ever gonna be respectable (Respectable)... #

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-I love you, Heather Trott.

-I love you too, Shirl.

0:16:240:16:28

-I love you more.

-I love you more.

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If you had your time again, would you change anything?

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Suffering produces endurance,

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endurance produces character and character produces hope.

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Look at them, they're all so young.

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They've got no idea of the disappointments that lie ahead.

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# Tay, tay, tay, tay T-t-t-t-t-tay, tay

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# Take or leave us only please believe us

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# We ain't ever gonna be respectable (Respectable)... #

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Heather Trott?

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-Oh, here we go. Come on, get it over and done with.

-Hev...

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Oh... It was only the once, I promise.

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I mean, I didn't have time to separate my papers from my plastics.

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I'm really sorry, Officer...

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MUSIC: "Addicted to Love" by Robert Palmer

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Oh, Shirl!

0:17:160:17:18

Ooh, yeah...

0:17:190:17:21

WOMEN CHEER LASCIVIOUSLY

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MUSIC: "Three Times A Lady" by The Commodores

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# ..And I love you

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# Yes, you're once, twice

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# Three times a lady

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# And I love you

0:17:450:17:54

# I love you... #

0:17:550:18:01

You seen much of Ben?

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He ain't exactly popular in my house, is he?

0:18:050:18:09

Listen, does he ever talk about the young offenders' place?

0:18:090:18:12

Yeah, a bit. Why? Weren't exactly top dog in there, was he?

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All right - and if he went back in?

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It'd kill him.

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Heather still ain't answering her phone.

0:18:220:18:25

Oh, God, let the girl enjoy herself now, man.

0:18:250:18:27

With Shirley there? Picking away at her... Sticking ideas in her head.

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I ain't going to let her ruin it for me, Patrick.

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Oi, oi. Trouble in paradise?

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Yeah, it feels like it.

0:18:380:18:41

Ben told me it's Phil's plea hearing next week.

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Good news travels fast.

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I don't take pleasure from this.

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Now, I find that hard to believe.

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So, have you decided what you're going to do if...

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It won't come to that.

0:18:510:18:53

You sound confident.

0:18:530:18:55

It's all I've got. I've lost everything else.

0:18:550:18:59

Come on. Let's show this bride how much she CAN blush.

0:18:590:19:03

Heather...

0:19:100:19:11

-Oh.

-What're you doing?

0:19:110:19:14

Do you mind? We're trying to have some fun here.

0:19:140:19:16

-We're going home.

-Get your hands off.

0:19:160:19:18

-Keep out of this.

-What, you going knock six bells out of ME?

0:19:180:19:21

-No, Shirl, that's enough.

-You know he's done time.

0:19:210:19:23

Yeah - Andy Pandy here's got a little bit of a temper.

0:19:230:19:27

You don't know what you're talking about.

0:19:270:19:29

How long do you reckon, before he starts knocking you about?

0:19:290:19:32

Andrew's a good boy.

0:19:320:19:33

I don't mean to be rude,

0:19:330:19:34

but you ain't exactly a great judge of character, are you?

0:19:340:19:38

A bad day at work, a belly full of beer...

0:19:380:19:41

You say one word out of line, he'll be giving you back-handers!

0:19:410:19:44

-That's enough.

-This ain't your business.

0:19:440:19:46

-He's Dot's nephew, that makes it my business.

-I know what I'm talking about, Hev.

0:19:460:19:51

You know what? I think it's best if you just go.

0:19:510:19:53

Yeah, go. Back to Southend.

0:19:530:19:57

Cos nobody wants you here. Least of all Hev.

0:19:570:20:01

Not so tough without an audience, are you?

0:20:140:20:16

You've had it in for me since I got here, haven't you?

0:20:160:20:19

You're not good enough for Hev.

0:20:190:20:21

If anyone's a bully around here it's you.

0:20:210:20:23

The way you talk down to her.

0:20:230:20:26

Lift her up, then dump her whenever you feel like it.

0:20:260:20:29

We all know what this is really about though, don't we?

0:20:290:20:32

-Enlighten me.

-With Phil facing life, Heather getting hitched...

0:20:320:20:37

there's going to be no-one left for you.

0:20:370:20:39

You're going to be all on your own, Shirley. And you hate it.

0:20:390:20:45

You think if Hev had the choice she'd choose you?

0:20:450:20:49

I've seen her face. She sees what we all see.

0:20:490:20:53

-And what's that?

-A vicious thug!

0:20:530:20:56

Since I first saw you, I knew there was something wrong.

0:20:560:20:59

I thought you were simple, I didn't put you down as the tough guy.

0:20:590:21:02

-You better shut that mouth.

-Do it for me?

0:21:020:21:04

Come on, Andrew! Show us what you've really got.

0:21:040:21:08

If you was a geezer, I tell ya...

0:21:080:21:09

Now do you see?

0:21:140:21:16

MUSIC: "You Make Me Feel So Young" by Frank Sinatra

0:21:230:21:26

# You and I

0:21:260:21:29

# Are just like a couple of tots

0:21:290:21:34

# Runnin' across the meadow

0:21:340:21:37

# Pickin' up lots of forget-me-nots

0:21:370:21:41

# You make me feel so young

0:21:410:21:45

# You make me feel there are songs to be sung

0:21:450:21:49

# Bells to be rung... #

0:21:490:21:51

Heather, wait... She got to me, didn't she?

0:21:510:21:54

So I've got a bit of a temper.

0:21:540:21:56

That doesn't mean I'd ever raise my hand to you, does it?

0:21:560:22:01

Who was it?

0:22:010:22:02

It doesn't matter.

0:22:020:22:04

Shirl's right. I can't trust you.

0:22:040:22:06

It was my mum's ex.

0:22:060:22:08

He used to be a bit handy with his fists.

0:22:080:22:10

He put her in hospital twice.

0:22:130:22:15

I couldn't just sit back and let him treat her like that, could I?

0:22:150:22:18

She's my mum.

0:22:180:22:20

But...I've got Shirl in one ear and Rose in the other...

0:22:210:22:27

What's Mum said?

0:22:270:22:29

Doesn't matter.

0:22:290:22:31

D'you know what, I can't do this.

0:22:320:22:34

Where're you going?

0:22:340:22:36

D'you think it's easy living round here?

0:22:360:22:38

Everyone poking their noses in.

0:22:380:22:41

Interfering in our business. This is our life, Heather!

0:22:410:22:44

It's got nothing to do with Shirley or my mum.

0:22:440:22:47

This is about me, you and George.

0:22:470:22:50

That's all I give a monkey's about.

0:22:500:22:53

We either do this, or finish it now.

0:22:550:22:58

Cos I can't live like this.

0:23:000:23:01

So which is it to be?

0:23:040:23:06

Yeah, I thought so.

0:23:100:23:12

You know it's Phil's hearing next week, don't you?

0:23:160:23:19

Spit it out, Billy.

0:23:190:23:20

Well...nothing TO say, is there?

0:23:200:23:23

Between Ben and Marsden they've stitched him up good and proper.

0:23:230:23:26

What, you think it was easy for that boy to stand up to his father?

0:23:260:23:30

It's family, Patrick. You don't grass.

0:23:300:23:33

I don't envy him at all, coming up against that every day.

0:23:330:23:36

I'll tell you what, Patrick, you don't know the half of it.

0:23:360:23:41

Listen, remember all that trouble you had with your lad, Paul?

0:23:410:23:44

Is there anything you wish you'd done differently?

0:23:440:23:48

Hindsight plays tricks on the mind.

0:23:480:23:50

All you can do is look forward, son.

0:23:500:23:53

Yeah, I know. But if you could change one thing?

0:23:530:23:56

I would have turned him in.

0:23:590:24:01

Soon as I knew he was involved in drugs, I would've called the police.

0:24:010:24:05

And have him hate you for it?

0:24:050:24:07

I'd rather that than to see him throw his life away.

0:24:070:24:11

I mean - all that boy ever needed was a fresh start.

0:24:110:24:15

Wipe the slate clean.

0:24:150:24:17

But he never got that chance, did he?

0:24:190:24:22

It was too late.

0:24:220:24:24

Mum...?

0:24:300:24:32

That's Heather's dress.

0:24:380:24:40

I never got to wear white, did I?

0:24:400:24:42

Get it off.

0:24:430:24:46

The feel of silk against my skin. It's like I'm 16 again.

0:24:460:24:49

I won't tell you again.

0:24:490:24:50

No harm done, is there?

0:24:500:24:52

No harm done?! This is twisted, Mum, even for you.

0:24:530:24:57

Just get it off, will you? Get it off!

0:24:570:25:00

SHE SHRIEKS Now look what you've done!

0:25:000:25:03

My nerves couldn't stand another shock like that tonight...

0:25:030:25:06

Rose Elizabeth!

0:25:090:25:12

It's times like this I wish I had a camera.

0:25:130:25:16

Are you coming in?

0:25:250:25:27

No, I'll catch you up in a bit.

0:25:270:25:29

-I've just got to go check on the chippy.

-All right.

0:25:290:25:32

Why hasn't he texted me, Dee?

0:25:360:25:37

I don't know why he hasn't texted you!

0:25:370:25:39

Perhaps he's run out of credit or something.

0:25:390:25:41

-He hates me, innit?

-He doesn't hate you.

0:25:410:25:44

Yeah, but the thing is, yeah - nits like clean hair, innit?

0:25:450:25:49

But he don't care, does he? No.

0:25:490:25:51

He thinks I'm a tramp, innit?

0:25:510:25:54

I never liked him.

0:25:540:25:56

-DENISE SIGHS

-Oh Kim, don't be daft.

0:25:560:25:58

TEXT ALERT Can't be bothered with it.

0:25:580:26:02

Ah! You see - patience, it was never your strong point, Kimberley Fox.

0:26:030:26:10

Well, come on, then. Don't keep us all in suspense...

0:26:110:26:15

Really?

0:26:170:26:19

After all that fuss tonight... I forgot to give you this.

0:26:260:26:31

If you don't like it, you can take it back.

0:26:350:26:38

I love it.

0:26:400:26:42

How about, me and you jump in a cab and go down to Stratford?

0:26:440:26:47

I know a nice little bar there, rammed full of Polish builders.

0:26:470:26:51

They'll all be fighting over you.

0:26:510:26:53

HEATHER SIGHS

0:26:530:26:54

Come on, Hev. He's not the only bloke out there.

0:26:560:27:00

I don't want another bloke, Shirl.

0:27:000:27:02

You know, all my life I've had people telling me what to do.

0:27:040:27:08

You, Mummy...

0:27:080:27:10

Well, it stops now.

0:27:100:27:12

I love him.

0:27:140:27:15

And if you can't accept that, then...

0:27:170:27:19

-you're going to have to find another best mate.

-Heather...

0:27:190:27:22

No, Hev...

0:27:290:27:32

You walk away now and we're finished.

0:27:320:27:34

Mr Beale. To what do I owe the pleasure?

0:27:540:27:58

It's, um...it's Ben.

0:27:580:28:00

What about him?

0:28:000:28:02

He lied.

0:28:030:28:04

Phil's innocent.

0:28:070:28:09

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0:28:320:28:35

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