10/04/2012 EastEnders

Hello, miss. Would you like to save 20 percent on your major bills?

Hello, sir. Who is your energy provider?

Hey, sir. Would you like to...? What's going on, Jay? You all right?

Since when you started all this?

Since about 15 minutes ago. Feels like 15 hours, though.

But you've got to do what you've got to do.

And this is the only thing going.

-Well, good luck.

-Oh, thanks. Thanks very much(!)

Hey, Bianca!

Listen, I can save you some money, you know. 20 percent.

Now, what you got to remember?

This perverting the course of justice malarkey,

it's not the same as the other thing, all right?

-I know.

-It's got nothing to do with it.

-Where's my list?

-What list?

-The funeral list.

What's it doing there?

You know, you wouldn't have to be doing all this

if you'd let Dot stay involved.

What have I got to say to this psychiatric bloke?

Tell him you're nuts. That'll always work.

Pretend to be, is what she's trying to say.

-Right, and how do I go about that?

-Act normal.

-PHIL SIGHS

-I'm trying to give him support here.

And what happened to my support when you let the Social take George away?

-We've been through all this.

-D'you know where I'm going later?

Round Heather's to sort her stuff out. How will that make me feel?

Why do you have to go round Heather's?

Sort out the funeral music.

Not George Michael?

Not your funeral, sadly.

All right then, what about Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me?

I've put you and Jay down for a reading. Is that all right, Ben?

The best thing, as far as the shrink goes,

is to talk about your mum and stuff.

What?

About her dying when she did.

They'll lap that up, won't they?

I can't say anything this morning, can I?

You don't even have the right to MENTION her name!

I don't think I did, did I?

Ian's told me about you and her. You can stuff your head doctor!

HE SIGHS

MUSIC: "Don't Stop" by Fleetwood Mac

What do you think?

Sorry?

Thursday will be my third funeral in nine months.

Can I get away with this again?

It's actually a bit of a squeeze.

Then again, it's only Heather.

But I do feel so incredibly sexy.

Huh?

And what's a girl to do about that?

Do we have any bacon?

Michael, this is important.

Yeah, I'm sure you'll sort it out.

I'm going to get some bacon.

SHE SIGHS

There was me thinking you might be overwhelmed with desire.

I don't like the sound of the direct debit, though.

But you like the sound of 20 percent off your lecky bill, though?

-I don't know.

-It's gas as well.

Is he hassling you?

No, he's just told me I can get 20 percent off my electric.

20 percent? You scam artist.

-It's not a scam!

-Go on, jog on.

-What are you talking about, bruv?

-I said jog on!

-Easy! Easy!

20 percent? How d'you like the sound of 100 percent, hmm?

Think of what you could do with all that extra cash.

Why can't I be Merlin?

Because I'm Sir Lancelot, and Sir Lancelot has to have a horse.

MORGAN MOANS

So...

ride on, Dobbin!

-Woo!

-Na-hey!

Hey, you all right?

-What? What's the matter?

-Nothing.

What's the matter? What are you doing?

Who normally does these for you?

Jean does them at the end of the month.

-And you pay her for that?

-ALFIE SIGHS

-We spoke about it a few weeks ago.

-She's living here rent-free!

Yes, cos she's family.

If Jean wants a job, she should get a job.

-HE SIGHS

-I'm not sacking her.

Alfie, do the maths! Look, you're not running a charity here, OK?

She's still sitting on all that scratch card money.

She's not going to get thrown into poverty, is she?

Was just going to say the bathroom's free.

MUSIC: "We Are Family" by Sister Sledge

-TIFFANY:

-Charge!

Jean? Hold on a minute. Please come back...

CRASHING

What are you two doing here?

Searching for the Holy Grail.

-Where's your dad?

-Ow!

Is he now? Oh, IS he now? Right.

DOOR SLAMS

-Ray, since when have you been back at work?

-Since today.

-Are you feeding those kids again?

-There's two tons of sausages

nearly past their sell-by-date. What's the problem?

-They're not your sausages!

-Look, tomorrow they'll be in the bin.

Shall I tell you what I told Alfie? This is not a charity, OK?

-How will you work with one hand?

-Jean's helping me.

-What?

-If you're going to be like this...

Ray, what you doing?

Ray?! Ray! Come on!

Ray, come back. Where you going?

Come here! Oi!

Come on, grab your coats. We'll do this at your mum's house.

Ray, you can't just walk out! We're open in two hours.

-Ray, Ray, what are you doing?

-I'm sorry mate, it's done.

-It's lunchtime, what are you doing?

-Done, done!

-Ray!

-HE SIGHS

-Brilliant. Well done, Rox(!)

Jean, what did Roxy actually say, then?

-Everything all right, Jean?

-Yeah, were fine.

Apparently, I don't need a paid job

because I'm sitting on all that scratch card money,

which is actually for a rainy day.

What scratch card money?

Oh...

I won £8,000 on a scratch card last November.

Yeah?

Really?

And they say good things don't happen to nice people?

Tell you what.

If I sort out Roxy and Alfie for you,

will you do me a favour?

Will you sort out Janine for me?

I know, I know.

Have you ever heard of a prenuptial agreement?

Has Lola been in? Have you seen Lola?

KNOCK ON DOOR

I'm, uh... I'm sorry for what I said about your mum.

It's time to go.

We just need to hold it together for a few more days.

Once the funeral's over, things will start to quieten down, and then...

we can get on with our lives.

I've been thinking.

Yeah?

And I've made a decision.

Yeah?

I'm going to confess.

HE SIGHS

Two dozen Luscious Lash mascaras,

two dozen fruity lip glosses,

two dozen full spectrum eye-shadows,

two dozen make-up remover kits.

Cash on delivery, yeah?

And how long will I take to get it?

Brilliant. Thanks! Cheers.

What was that about?

Got a bit of spare cash, so I'm going into business.

I've been thinking about it for ages.

-Oh, yeah? What kind of business?

-Door-to-door cosmetics.

-What's the windfall?

-Derek's helping me, but you didn't hear me say that.

-You know, there is nothing worth eating in this freezer.

-What?

-Do you know what chicken nuggets are made out of?

-Morgan loves them.

HE LAUGHS

What about mechanically recovered meat?

-Erm, I don't really care.

-You don't care about the kids' health?

We're talking 20 percent recovered chicken gloop, and 80 percent...

-La-la-la-la!

-Right, you know what?

I'm going to give you a cooking lesson.

-What?

-Wait there. Wait there.

-I need some shopping.

Come on, Einstein. Where will we get a chef?

I'm sorry, Alfie, OK? I'm sorry. But it was stealing.

-Technically, it was...

-Let's work this out, OK?

Four sausages. What's that? A quid, at the most.

An entire lunchtime trade down the Swanee.

200 quid.

You work out the maths!

As you said to me, what, 15 minutes...

-Hold on a minute. Hold on. Where are you going?

-To beg.

SHE SIGHS

DOOR SLAMS

-Is this the best garlic you got, mate?

-That's all I have.

-Can I have a word, mate?

-Too late, Alfie mate, I'm sorry.

I know Roxy was operating above her pay grade, all right?

And you can give as many sausages to as many kids as you want.

Raymundo, come on, listen. Think about it, right, I need you.

-The Queen Vic needs you.

-I've got other stuff on now, man.

I know what you're saying. To show there's no hard feeling,

I am prepared to give you time and a half.

You can't say fairer than that.

Where's your sense of loyalty? Sense of duty, eh? Come on!

Last time I checked, Roxy cooks a mean beans on toast.

Forget about it.

Alfie! I bet you'd like to save 20 percent on your...

Fats, later!

..utility bills.

Eh, you're wearing the same colour as my company. You could save...

Marriage is about love. It shouldn't have anything to do with money.

It's a beautiful sentiment.

But Janine's Janine.

Well, Cruella De Vil, surely.

Jean, light of my life.

Sausage queen extraordinaire. I need you, sweetheart.

Jean, come on!

Roxy was talking out of her backside, OK?

I'd sack her before I sacked you.

Please, come on.

What's brought this on?

If I'm being honest, takings are down.

I'll tell you why takings are down.

Cos Sausage Surprise isn't on the menu.

Come on, walk back in triumph. Please, I'm begging you.

-What's happened to Ray?

-Who's Ray? See what I did there?

Come on, I need you, Jean. Please, darling.

Alfie, there's something you've failed to realise.

-Sausage Surprise is my signature dish.

-Yes, I know.

I can't just magic it up!

D'you know how long it takes to chop eight pounds of onions?

-I cook.

-Really?

Yeah, when the muse descends. What would it entail?

-Chopping onions, mainly.

-I can do that.

Oh, Michael... I love you, Michael. Here you go.

£6 an hour, and all the Sausage Surprise you can eat, yeah?

-I don't want money. It's a favour for you, Jean.

-Really?

Yeah.

Well, I'm not going to cramp your style.

You can't do that. It's got too much style to be cramped.

HE LAUGHS

Come on! Seize the moment, eh? Come on, darling. Chop chop! Get it?

See what I did there? Chop chop? Follow me. Come on, let's go.

Sausage Surprise back on the menu, folks.

(He always does this.)

How are you feeling now?

Will you stop asking me that?

I'm still a bit worried about what you're going to say

when you get in there. Just remember, all this is about.

Perverting the course of justice. I know.

-Say whatever you want about Stella, just don't mention...

-I know, Dad.

However guilty you feel,

you don't want to spend the next 15 years in the nick, believe me.

Maybe I deserve it.

And you realise you'd drag Jay down with you, don't you?

Dad, I've said, so will you stop going on about it?

Listen. When they ask you about why you dobbed me in it...

..forget about your mother. Just blame me.

Seriously. We both know what I'm talking about.

Just say whatever you want.

Cos I don't want to lose you.

And I...I love you...

..son.

Ben?

Want to come through?

What about me?

The appointment is with Ben, by himself.

I don't make the rules, I'm afraid.

PHONE RINGS

Phil, it's me. Look, I need to speak to you.

So you call me as soon as you get this. Something's come up.

KNOCK AT DOOR

You wanted to see me, Ms Carter?

-I wouldn't feed that to my dog.

-You haven't got a dog, Derek.

Billy, say "woof woof" to the nice lady.

-Roxy, you haven't seen Lola, have you?

-What's the big deal?

-I take that as a no.

-What do you need her for?

I don't NEED her for anything.

When she goes missing,

I start to worry. That's what grandparents do.

All right! Have you tried phoning her?

Bill!

Keep the fingers on your left hand bent. Prevents accidents.

You can talk(!) Now I know why I don't like doing this.

All right, some olive oil.

-How is that different to ordinary oil?

-Because it's made of olives.

-I don't like olives.

-Once it's cooked, you won't taste the olives.

So why use them, then?

Olive oil's at the basis of all Italian cookery.

So, it's five times the price, and in the end you can't even taste it?

You said you wanted to learn.

You said I OUGHT to learn because I'm a bad mother, apparently.

I never said you were a bad mother.

I just said the kids could have a better diet.

Ask Morgan what his favourite dinner is. He's in the front room.

What are you waiting for?

Are we doing this, or not?

I couldn't afford all this, even if I wanted to make it.

OK, now look, this is oregano. Smell.

Eugh.

We add this to the oil while it's heating,

so it absorbs the flavour.

Oh, the kids'll love that(!) Fried grass.

SHE LAUGHS

Plenty of crushed garlic.

-Guess what.

-What?

You don't like garlic?

Have you been to France? I have. They stink of it.

You can't make spaghetti Bolognese without garlic.

I'll tell you how to make spaghetti bolognese, shall I?

Get it out the freezer, take the packaging off, give it a prong,

stick it in the microwave for three minutes, and, "Ding," it's done.

Anything worth doing is worth taking time over.

How long does your way take?

-I don't know. An hour, maybe.

-An hour?! Are you mad?

Nothing that takes longer to cook than to wash up is worth having.

-It's like lovemaking.

-What?

The longer it takes to cook, the bigger the explosion at the end.

It ain't the way I remember it.

I remember the packaging, little bit of fumbling about,

but I don't remember no "ding."

You acknowledge the accusations you made against your father were false?

What was going through your head at the time?

Ben, I'm not the police.

I'm not working for the prosecution, or the defence.

I'm answerable solely to the court.

Look, can't we just say I'm nuts, and leave it at that?

It's not a question of whether you're "nuts," or not.

Isn't that exactly what it's a question of?

We don't like calling people "nuts."

So, what would you call it, then?

What posh word have you got up your sleeve for it?

Did you feel "nuts" at the time?

Is it nuts to want to get your own back?

And why would you want to do that?

I don't want any tissues.

I was just wondering if you'd seen her at all.

When I got up this morning, she wasn't here.

It's not like her to get up early when she don't have to.

(You all right? I'm putting the kettle on. D'you want one?)

Scrub that, Ab. Sorry to bother you.

Where the hell have you been?

What's the problem?

What's the problem?! You don't answer your phone. No-one's seen you.

You're six months pregnant, and you ask me what the problem is?!

You can't keep your phone on in the scanning room.

Why d'you need a scan?

I didn't, but I woke this morning, and couldn't bear not knowing.

Not knowing what?

-I went to the hospital. I told them I was spotting.

-No!

No, no, it's all right, I'm not.

But with a bit of sweet talk, I managed to get an emergency scan.

What?!

-Don't you want to know the answer?

-Answer to what?

Whether it's a boy or girl.

And?

So, did you want tea or coffee?

Lola! Tell me!

What would you like it to be? Hmm?

OMG!

Roxy told me, but I didn't know whether to believe it or not.

Check you out, my fiance, the skivvy.

-I've so got to get a picture.

-No, you haven't!

-Say, "Sausages."

No, you haven't. We're busy. Seriously.

OK, well, I'll see at home later. You're cooking.

I read an article in a magazine once about those prenuptial thingies.

Yeah?

Apparently, if it's all about one person giving all the money

to the other person, then it doesn't stand up in court.

The judge just throws it out.

Does he really?

It's all hypothetical though, Jean.

Who gets married planning a divorce?

Janine, apparently.

See, Janine, she thinks money makes you happy.

(But we know different.)

Don't we?

You'd spent a lot of time preparing this car, yes?

-I wanted him to be proud of me.

-But then?

I stalled it. In front of everyone.

And he just ripped the...

Yeah, well, you know.

And that's when you went to speak to DCI Marsden?

Yeah, it was like...

..I don't know what you call it.

-The final straw?

-Yeah.

It would be fair to say

you have a difficult relationship with your father?

And yet, he's driven you here today.

-Only so I'd keep my mouth shut.

-About what?

Ben?

He thinks I'm going to slag him off, that's all.

Is that what you want to do?

Half the time, I hate him.

And the other half?

Is it hard to admit you might love him too?

What about him? Does he care about you?

Look, maybe it's me.

Maybe I'm just evil.

I don't think for a moment you really believe that.

You don't know the half of it.

What are you writing down now?

I think we'll leave it there for the time being.

Everything all right, mate?

You'd be better off calling it "Sausage Nasty Surprise."

Rox, it's a nightmare. How many of these have we sold?

I don't know. Maybe six.

What? Six all afternoon?

-How many times must I say I'm sorry?

-You know what you have to do?

No, come on, I don't want to. Don't make me.

You made him go. You bring him back. Yes, yes!

All right, Billy?

Yeah, yeah. Give us a large one, and whatever you're having.

What about your bird? What's the celebration, then?

I'm going to be having a great-granddaughter. How great is that?

Sounds double great to me. Good on you.

Celebrating?

Yeah, yeah. Just a bit.

My granddaughter's going to be having a little girl.

I got a picture of the scan there. Look.

My word. So different from other pictures of babies in the womb(!)

Nice teddy bear(!)

Yeah, only the best for my little girl.

-Like the world needs another Mitchell(!)

-Eh?

-Be going to Heather Trott's funeral tomorrow?

-Yeah, 'course I am.

-Alfie mate, sorry, I've only got 50s.

-Billy, can I have a word, mate?

(Have you not heard of the word "discreet"?)

Only 50s?

Someone's in the money.

HE MOUTHS

So this is the key, right?

Stick it in the meter, and Bob's your uncle.

Give it a go. Go on.

I never have to pay for electric again?

Obviously, you got to pay something,

or they'll smell a rat. Stick your own key in, now and again.

My mum'll do her nut if she finds out.

So don't you tell her.

That's it, put it in there.

-Hello!

-Here she comes, here she comes!!

What are you two doing under there?

-I've just found a spider. Want a look?

-No, you're all right.

-It's a lovely spider, look.

-Get out, Derek!

SHE LAUGHS

-Get out, Derek!

-I know you like spiders(!)

-Derek!

-See you later, girls!

-Thank you, Uncle Derek.

Nicely done, kids.

Right, how are we getting on in here, then?

I still prefer chicken nuggets.

What about you, Tiff?

I prefer chicken nuggets, too.

Now I know how Jamie Oliver felt.

See you later.

DOOR BANGS

How about we have toffee doughnuts for afters?

BOTH: Yeah!

About this morning...

-Oh, yeah?

-I'm sorry, OK? You caught me at a bad moment.

-So?

So...

I'd be really grateful if you could see your way clear

to coming back to work this afternoon.

Oh, come on, Ray, don't make me beg!

-Actually, I'd quite like that.

-SHE LAUGHS

-Evil? What did you tell him that for?

-To wind him up.

You were supposed to make them think your nuts,

not a flaming psycho.

Why don't you listen, eh?

Mr Mitchell?

Sir.

Would you like to save 20 percent

on your gas and electric bills?

This is just wrong. I've had enough of this rubbish.

Get off me.

-Where you been? Shirley's doing her nut.

-What's the problem?

-She's left you 15 messages.

-My phone's switched off.

She wants us over at Heather's. Like, now.

DOOR SLAMS

So the scullion returns!

Funny(!) Did you get a funeral frock?

No. Didn't in the end, because the only thing that fit me

was like a tent, and I've got no intention

of being this size the next time somebody snuffs it.

That's a shame. I quite fancy a tubby Janine.

Watch it!

And don't you dare even think of inflicting

Jean's "Sausage Surprise" on me. Bleugh....

She just got herself into a flap, that's all.

Alfie roped me in. It's no biggie, it's all right.

Really? Shame. Cos you two just look so sweet together(!)

-You should be grateful to her.

-Why should I be grateful to her?

Because she elucidated a few things for me.

Like what?

Like, if I'm marrying you, I'm marrying you because I love you.

It's nothing to do with your money.

And if you want me to sign one of these things, then I'll do it.

-Really?

-Yeah, really.

Right, just face that way a minute.

What are you doing?

I told you. I like a fat bird.

-The picture!

-What picture?

The Best Friends picture that I gave her on her hen night.

-What about it?

-Well, I came round here to pick it up,

cos I wanted to put it on top of the coffin tomorrow and it's not here.

Shirl, there's other pictures, ain't there?

No, you're not getting it, Phil. It was a big heavy metal frame,

and it's gone.

So?

So I called the police, and they come round straightaway.

About a picture frame?

You're not listening! It's what he would've used!

-Who will have done?

-Andrew!

To bash her brains in!

We find that, and we've nailed him!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd