23/10/2012 EastEnders

Here you are, mate. You can have that.

Jimmie. It's Phil. Change of plan, meet me at the cafe instead, yeah?

And don't keep me waiting.

-Morning.

-Morning.

Ah... Have I got any post today?

What date is it?

The date is the 23rd.

Ah, yeah.

You see, end of the month, the bills keep rolling in.

What are you going to do today?

Today? Find a job, pay my share.

Well, you don't have to worry about that,

because we have got the magic jar.

We've got enough to last us at least a...week.

Well done, it's your first day and you're already late.

What do you do in that bathroom?

What can I say, the ladies expect a certain standard of grooming.

Now you're an employed part of this happy household,

I thought you might want to contribute to the family finances.

Oh, I'm quite happy with this no payment,

no residency rights situation.

I'm a teaching assistant with a few postal rounds in a week.

I can't cover all the costs.

If you do a job you love,

you're always going to be taken advantage of.

Oh, weren't we supposed to be doing something today?

I don't think so... We could have a lads' night?

I'm sure we're supposed to be doing something today.

Yeah, it's beautiful,

but ordering one for Rainie's jumping the gun ain't it?

Why? She's a bridesmaid.

You know what she's like.

We don't know where she is, and when she wants to disappear...

Do you think she's back on it?

No, no.

Good, because I want her at my wedding.

LOUD KNOCKING ON DOOR

All right, all right, calm down. What's the matter with you?

Blimey. Banging on the door.

Oh, all right, Phil?

We alone?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, they've left.

-They?

-Yeah. The Border Agency guys.

-I thought they was old bill?

No, no, no. They got a tip-off about, you know, the decorators that you got in.

Reckon they were illegal.

-And you gave 'em my address?

-No! No course I didn't.

They came here first. Phil, they've got your address.

They know about the R&R, the Arches...

If they come back asking any more questions,

do what you do best, just play dumb. All right?

Phil, hold on, mate. It's you they want to talk to, isn't it?

They're going to be back in a couple hours.

DOORBELL RINGS

Go on, hit it.

# Hey Tam, yo! It's your birthday, oh!

# And we're going to celebrate with a glass of OJ, oh no, oh yes

# That's how we roll, yo yo. #

-What you doing?

-What you said.

-No, you're doing it wrong.

-I did what you said.

-Come on, seriously.

-Can you just stop, please?

-What's wrong with you, man?

I'm not doing the whole birthday thing this year.

Oh, is it cos your restaurant went bust?

-No.

-Oops...

Oh, cos you're missing your mum and Kamil?

Who told you about that?

Um...he did?

Denise may have mentioned it? Cos...I went to see her....

At the...Minute Mart...

to go buy some...fabric softener.

Fabric softener?

I just wanted to say sorry to hear about your mum and that.

It's well sad. But it's your birthday, he wrote you a song and everything.

-I'm sure it's lovely.

-No, it's not lovely. It's hard-core. Hit it.

# Hey Tam, yo! It's your birthday, oh!

# And we're going to celebrate with... #

Will both of you just stop? Please, not now.

So when do you reckon they'll let me have Lexi?

I wouldn't go painting the nursery just yet.

Once we file the application to the court, they'll appoint

a lawyer to look into your personal life, home, work...

What's going on with Shirley?

Nothing.

Going to be a lot easier convincing the courts you're the right person

for Lexi if you're in a stable relationship

with people who can support you.

-She ain't an option.

-You'd at least look like you're a happy family.

We don't need her, all right?

You're a recovering alcoholic with a son on remand for murder.

You're hardly a poster boy for the social services.

If you can't handle this, if you're out of your depth,

I'll find another brief, all right?

I'm on top of it.

Good. You better be.

Look, there's no reason why social services should get to know about

your health issues, but keeping Ben out of it's going to be difficult.

Couple of teas to take away.

-Nothing else we need to address?

-Like what?

The slightest whiff of anything illegal or unpleasant,

proven or otherwise, and social services will run a mile from you.

No, nothing.

Good.

I'll test the water and see what they throw back at us.

If we can convince them you're a model family man,

I'm sure they'll let you have the kid.

Morning, Kim.

Ah, Patrick, lifesaver.

Man, I'm starving. Denise cooking breakfast?

No. Thanks to Zainab, she's working full time at the Mini Mart,

so I'm cooking solo.

Don't worry yourself about me, I'll get something down at the cafe.

No, no, don't go, don't go. I need some help.

SHE SCREAMS

SHE YAWNS DRAMATICALLY

Good morning. Could you finish laying the tables, please?

I'll be with you in a minute.

OK? Thanks.

Thought you'd forgotten about me. Where do you want me to start?

The Merc, take it down the breakers' yard.

-You want me to see if I can get it past the MOT?

-No. I want it lost.

When you get to the breakers', only speak to Micky. Tell him to box it.

No paperwork. Give him this.

Whatever you say.

Right answer.

When you've done that, you can have the rest of the day off.

Really? Thanks.

This Suzuki. Can I have it?

Have it? It's worth over a grand done up.

-Really?

-Yeah, really. But take it as it is,

you can have it for 500 quid.

500 quid's a bit steep for me. I suppose I could go to 350.

No.

I can get my hands on 465, cash.

-HE EXHALES

-Yeah, all right, go on then.

-If I find you working on it in my time you're out the door.

-OK. Deal.

Good morning, your breakfasts are here. Yes, I know, your coffee!

So here we have half a full English, thank you, beans on bread.

Yes, I know, your tea is coming. It's on its way. It's coming.

Babe, you all right?

They're just so demanding. Food, drinks, bread!

-Babe, it's a B&B.

-My back's hurting me.

-Really?

-Yes.

-Seemed like it was all right last night.

Yeah, well, I didn't want to say anything.

It's been hurting me for some time now.

Sounds like you need a good soak, babe.

But I've got to do the I got breakfasts...

Babe, look I'd love to help but I got to go to the Vic.

I've got some slow-cooked lambs to sort out.

It hurts.

-GROANING

-Right down there.

All right, all right, all right.

Tell you what, I'll sort these breakfasts out,

I'll run you a bath but I can't stay too long, all right?

OK. Yeah. Thank you.

SHE GIGGLES

Sorry!

-Morning.

-You might be getting a visit.

Nice to see you too.

Immigration.

What have you been up to?

Nothing. It's just some decorators I used at the Vic.

Show 'em an invoice, prove you thought they were legal.

It was a cash job. It was two coats of emulsion and a coat of gloss.

I didn't ask for their life stories, did I?

Didn't pay them with these then? They're fake, counterfeit.

We must have at least 500 quid's worth.

Nothing to do with me.

Won't mind if I go to the police then, will you?

No old bill and no publicity.

I don't want any trouble being stirred up for me.

Never worried you before.

I never tried to get care of anybody's kid before. Lexi.

You? I thought the idea was to help Lola?

And the best way to do that is to offer to have her.

How are you going to bring up a baby on your own? DOOR BUZZES

Have you forgotten how hard it is to bring up children?

Well, I'll make it work.

As long as everyone remembers that I'm the perfect family man,

who never gets into any trouble.

Hello? Who?

Get rid of 'em.

I'm just on my way out. I'll come to you.

Lauren. Your mum's on the war path.

You're meant to be at home doing this fitting.

-I'm sure whatever she's chosen...

-Home! Now! Don't be cheeky.

-All right?

-Yeah, not too bad.

Very pleased with the ad you done, by the way.

Well, the ad we did.

Here, Max, I reckon you could utilise my skills out the car lot.

Well, whenever I want an ad, I'll give you a shout.

Not advertising, sales. You're out there on your own now, aren't ya?

Reckon I could make the perfect junior sales executive.

Uh..

Joey, I've got a car to drop off. Come and see me after that, yeah?

Lauren, got time for a coffee?

-No, sorry.

-Home, now, please.

Maybe later then.

Look, we will get him a present.

It'll take more than a CD and some aftershave to get him to forgive me.

He's your brother, he'll forgive you.

Why?

Because he's a very nice man, from a really lovely family.

-Really?

-Mad, but lovely.

-Well, congrats on your big day, guys!

-Poppy, thanks.

-Thank you.

I love a wedding. The flowers, the dresses...

The dresses that...the other guests wear.

Babe, don't worry about it. Syed went full out, veil, tiara,

30 foot train.

THEY LAUGH

-I'll see you at the Vic later, yeah?

-What for?

Fats wants to take Tamwar for a birthday drink.

Course he does. And yes, you will see us later.

-Cool. See you later, guys.

-See you, babe.

-We can't go.

-Why not?

Well, apart from destroying my family, I haven't got him a present!

Well...

how about something like this?

He's 22. He's not about to retire.

Might be good for interviews.

Don't think it's a good idea to remind him he hasn't got a job.

-Why don't we ask him himself?

-No.

Tam!

Happy birthday.

Thanks.

So what do you want?

What do I want? Nothing. I've got everything I could possibly want.

Tambo.

I am going to go to McKlunky's finest cuisine,

and see if they've got any vacancies for failed restaurateurs.

We are going to find him something perfect, all right?

You all right, Phil?

It's your lucky day, your chance to be a hero.

Really?

You've got to tell them Borders Agency geezers

it was you that hired them decorators.

How's that make me a hero then?

-Taking one for the team.

-Which team?

My team, which is the only team you need to worry about.

Phil, listen, I've got my licence to think about,

any more trouble with the old bill and they could take it off me.

You won't need a licence if I get nicked for this, cos you

won't have a pub to worry about, or a newly decorated flat to live in.

So what do you think?

Yeah, yeah, they're all right.

They're a bit long.

I did think the neck line was just going to be a bit lower.

You're bridesmaids, not pole dancers.

Anyway, not being funny,

but everyone's going to be looking at me.

-All right, girls. You look lovely.

-Oh, hello, what you doing here?

-I'm interviewing him for a job.

-What, here?

-Yep. I need an audience.

-Jay's job?

Jay was a gopher, this is sales.

It's a special skill, not everyone can do it.

Well, if you can do it...

Excuse me, Joey, I've had years of experience.

Years and years and years.

Everyone thinks they can be a salesman, don't they?

-He's got a big enough gob.

-Thanks, yeah.

-It does help.

That and lying.

What you talking about, lying? We might embellish but we don't lie.

Lies are like sales warranties. Come back and bite you, don't they?

-Right, you show me what you can do.

-What, now?

Yeah. Go on, I'll make it easy for you, all right.

Abi believes everything she's told. Sell her that motor.

That's not true.

Nah, nah, I'd rather have a challenge, thank you. No offence.

Madam, I see you're very interested in this car, nice choice.

Great body work, lovely lines, nice souped-up little engine.

-It's over-priced.

-Some say that you get what you pay for.

-But not what you always deserve.

-What you doing?

It's only rain, you're going to get that as a salesman, carry on.

Nice one, thanks.

Perhaps madam would like to take her out for a test drive to see

how elegantly she handles in the wet?

Who underwrites your guarantees?

Excuse me, no trick questions.

All our previous customers have been satisfied.

Perhaps you'd like to read some of their feedback.

-Ooh! Positive customer feedback!

-Will be once I've written them.

Writing your own reviews. Why does that not surprise me?

You're right. Words are cheap. Nothing compares to the real experience.

So how about I take you for a little test drive

-and show you what all the fuss is about?

-Very good.

Definitely a chip off the old Branning block, ain't he?

Yep. Yep, he's definitely a Branning.

-All right. You start tomorrow, on commission.

-Nice one.

Congratulations.

I hate to let a sale go.

Oi.

What's wrong with you?

What is your problem?

Your dad just offered me a job.

You and Whitney?

It was just a kiss, Lauren.

Well, when are you going to tell Lucy about it then?

Why would I do that?

He's got a lot on his mind.

What with your mum and that? Sorry, Tam.

That's all right. And thanks for the birthday rap.

It's all good in the hood, bruv.

You know, it's your big day, ain't it?

That's the thing, I don't want a big day, I just want a normal day.

A small day.

I want my wife to go home to, Mum nagging me about the restaurant.

Here, Tam, listen mate, did you ever have any

employment issues in your restaurant?

Alfie, bruv.

Oh, duh, mate, sorry, I'm being insensitive.

-Listen, top bhuna by the way.

-Thanks.

Just wondered if you ever had any staff problems with people who...

-People that...shouldn't be working?

-Why would we?

No, no reason, just that maybe you employed people that

weren't from round here.

Round here? Yeah.

Oh, we did, we had a guy, he was from south London.

Well, that's disgraceful. I'm sorry.

No. All our staff were British, taxed, NI.

Hold tight. Are you looking for cheaper bar staff?

-Why, do you know any? Oh, I'm only joking.

-Hey, come on, man!

-I'm just about getting by already.

-At least you've got a job.

How do you fancy, this is an idea, OK?

How do you two fancy earning a score each?

-You're still here?

-Yeah. Wanted to keep it tidy.

OK, now here, this is a shopping list,

you're out of almost everything, babe.

Also the guy up in room five, he wanted to stay another night,

and a dude from Manchester rang about a deal on a month's stay,

-and apparently the radiator in the bathroom's leaking.

-Oh.

On the brighter side,

I found this when I was clearing out the bins.

Oh!

-A little present for you.

-It's pretty.

Hey, P.

Everything OK? I mean, anything I can do?

Nah, nah, we're good.

Look at that, look. Nice, innit?

Oh, you found it! Cora's bracelet.

Man, she is going to be pleased with me.

Thank you, honey, thank you. Yeah, man.

Babe, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but I've got to go.

All right, thanks.

-Stupid thing!

-Hey, what you doing?

It's not all there, the last pages are missing.

All right, all right, calm yourself down.

I got it in the market and it's about two bunnies,

one big one and one small one and they look after each other.

Don't get yourself all worked up.

No, cos I thought Lexi was my little bunny.

I thought it was a sign and that she would come home

-and everything would be all right.

-It will be all right, I can fix it.

No, you can't!

She's going to have a proper book

with all the pictures and nothing missing.

I can make that brand new!

We can write our own ending, can't we?

I wanted to read it to her, when she come home.

That might not be for a while yet.

Phil's going to get Lexi home soon, right?

Listen, Lo, I wouldn't rely too much on Phil at the moment.

He means well but...

He's still got a lot on his plate, hasn't he?

What with Ben, Shirley leaving.

At the end of the day, it's down to us now.

Me, you and Lexi. Our own little family.

DOORBELL RINGS

Things ain't going to change overnight.

Yeah.

KNOCK ON DOOR

I'm coming.

Just wanted to make sure no-one's been

poking their nose into my business?

-Why would they?

-No reason.

Just so long as we all remember to play happy families,

everything will be fine.

You can count on us.

Bought it for Lexi down the market but the poxy thing's broken.

Well, if you want some books...

No, Phil.

Go up to Stratford, get her some new books, yeah,

-nice ones, with pop up pictures and all that sort of thing.

-Thanks.

-I'll catch you later.

-See you, mate.

Oh, no.

Looking good, nephew.

Looking perfect, I'd employ 'em.

Well, as we rehearsed, I did. Well, actually Phil did. Don't forget.

Is this actually legal?

It's not...illegal, is it? It's probably a bit...un-legal.

Amazing, so what happens if they want to interview us?

Nothing to worry about. You're all legit, aren't you?

-Yes!

-Good! Well, there's nothing to worry about.

Yeah, but we don't want to get him busted on his birthday, man.

It's your birthday. Why didn't you say?

Well done.

All right, mate. Look. Well?

This is it? Your great master plan?

Yeah. We'll just tell Immigration our decorators here

are 100% British kosher and whoever grassed em up must be racist.

-Yeah, it's got its flaws, but...

-Just get out of here, please.

-Thing is...

-Now! Get out of here!

-Go, go, go, go!

-All right fellas, you OK? All good?

-Mr Moon.

-Yes, sir.

We still haven't been able to find Mr Mitchell.

I know, see, now, what I need to tell you...

You didn't try very hard. I'm Phil Mitchell.

I need to talk to you about some work you had done a few weeks ago.

I think you'll find that my tenant

can answer all your questions.

Yeah, I can do that, that's good. Any questions you want.

Like, the meaning of life, is there a God, will West Ham win?

Sorry, I know what you actually want to talk about, the decorators.

Funny, it's an interesting story, right...

Before I do tell you, this won't affect my drinks licence, will it?

Alfie, shut up, will you?

-I employed the painters.

-So you're legally responsible, Mr Mitchell.

I believed they were kosher.

It's your job to check every employee has a right to work here.

It's our job to prosecute people who use illegal labour.

Sorry, I'm late, Mr Mitchell, busy day.

Here's the paperwork for the decorators.

What does this have to do with you, Mrs Rickman?

It's an invoice, from the company Mr Mitchell employed to do the work.

Sorry, couldn't find it earlier.

You do realise that the men you were using were illegal?

Mr Mitchell paid a British registered company in good faith.

He did not enter into any direct negotiations with the labour

and therefore cannot be held responsible for their employment status.

That is correct isn't it?

We will look into this a bit further. We'll be in touch.

We will get the invoice back, won't we?

Only, the tax man will need to see it.

Take care, fellas. All the best.

Sharon, that was brilliant. Well done.

Why didn't we think of that?

Because it's the truth, the law.

Maybe we should try it. Drinks on the house.

How'd you get hold of get the invoice?

I had to pull a few favours. But it's a one off, Phil.

Do not get me involved in any of your schemes again. All right?

Whitney.

You got five minutes?

Going for a drink with Tamwar, you want to come?

No, no, not in the Vic, somewhere private. It's about Joey.

Tam!

So I was thinking, if you guys got some spare time,

the front of the house could do with a coat of paint.

-Funny, really funny.

-Hold tight, man, we could do that.

-Are you being serious?

-You haven't had any better offers, have ya?

It is looking a bit grubby, ain't it?

Mind if we join you?

Yeah, of course, let me get you a drink, Syed?

Orange juice and lemonade.

Good Muslim. Christian?

Vodka tonic.

Now you're married, does that mean you're my nephew in-law?

Yeah, baby.

We got you this. It's about the greatest ever stand-ups.

Thanks.

Oh, right. Silly me, I went to look for you at the Arches,

but, no, you're here buying drinks with my money.

-I'm not buying drinks with your money.

-Deny you took it then.

No, but I'm not buying drinks with it, I bought a motorbike with it.

-Oh, well, that's all right then!

-For... Tamwar's birthday.

What? Oh, it's the 23rd.

Yeah.

What's going on?

Your uncle has bought you a motorbike with our jar money.

You bought me a motorbike?

A present.

I thought we could do it up together. He forgot!

Tam.

Can't believe you forgot.

Tam, I'm sorry, I feel awful.

What's he doing here?

He came and he brought me a present, OK.

You invited him?

I didn't invite him.

You sit there with him after everything he's done to our family!

Dad, I didn't invite him! I didn't invite any of them. OK.

I didn't invite him, who buys me a motorcycle,

which is practically the vehicle that my wife left me on.

I didn't invite the world's worst birthday rapper

or his beat-boxing sidekick.

I didn't invite the lunatic who's decided to join our family

or the brother who sank the family business and then let me

take the fall for it.

And I didn't invite you because you forgot my birthday.

You forgot.

I didn't invite any of you. But...

I'm still glad you're here.

Cos this is all I want for my birthday.

Us all sitting around, pretending to be normal over a drink.

So I'm going to go wild and get some dandelion and burdock.

-Just a lemonade.

-OK.

It's all going to be all right, you know that?

No, it's not, but we'll get through it.

Happy birthday.

I didn't tell the police about the forged notes.

Thanks.

I didn't do it for you. It's what's best for the club.

I just want Lexi growing up amongst her family.

One hell of a family.

Could be. Could be a great family.

Not unless you've got relations I don't know about, Phil.

Social Services, they'd love you, wouldn't they?

I mean, you're great with kids, you're reliable...

If...

If we was a couple, you and me,

Lexi'd be back in no time at all, wouldn't she?

Except we're not a couple.

We could be.

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