18/12/2012 EastEnders

Wow! What are they? Yeah, they're stars, all right.

What we'll do, we'll put them on the ceiling.

And when they light up and they glow,

that means I'm going to be thinking about you.

I know. Keep them in the box, buddy.

I'm so sorry...

OK, OK.

You all right? Did your mum do that?

No, I did it. She'd be here by now, wouldn't she,

if she was going to ice my cake for me?

Come here. Don't worry about your mum. Or the cake.

All that matters is me and you, saying our vows tomorrow.

I know...

If you want an 'I do' back, you better make sure you pay that

travel agent the last instalment.

I can't wait to get you on honeymoon.

Mr and Mrs Branning again.

Boys are going for romance, are they?

No, the boys are going for the best stag do that Walford has ever seen!

Ooh, that looks painful.

As it happens, it was a rather amusing incident

with a revolving door, Trace.

Thought you did it at the boxing club?

Shh. We don't want this lot round here knowing

I'm not as fast with my fists as I used to be, do we?

I can't believe this time last year it was just me, my mum and Joey.

And now I've got all this family.

I've got you, I've got aunts, I've got uncles, I've got cousins...

And we're right at the centre of it, sweetheart, eh?

Me as best man. You as the most beautiful bridesmaid.

The Brannings are back as a family.

-Except...

-Don't start.

-Dad...

-Oh no, please, Alice.

Just ask Joey to come,

-just for Christmas lunch. Please?

-Oh no, no, no.

Dad, then everything will be perfect.

Right then, are you girls ready?

I said we'd meet the rest of them at the salon before we go to the club.

-Are we going to R&R?

-And I can definitely get in?

Yeah. Yeah, it's all been cleared with Sharon.

And Zainab's got Oscar, so we've officially got the night off.

I'm going to have to get ready, then.

Can you do my hair and make-up for me?

Make me look nice?

Yeah, course I can. Oh, good. So you don't mind then?

Coming to a hen night with your old mum?

No. No, I'm quite looking forward to it.

How much?

-For what?

-Lunch? One hour with your family, Christmas Day.

I keep telling you, Derek, mate, you ain't family.

For Alice then. She wants us all together.

But Alice knows why I won't be there.

So you'll spend Christmas on your own alone.

Cos Alice, she'll be with me. She'll choose me, you know she will.

Once she sees you for what you are, she will leave you, Derek.

Do you understand?

Here. Happy Christmas.

Who was that?

Salesman.

It's Fats. He's just on his way to the stag...

He made me this mix CD... I love this song.

It's the bit out of Armageddon where he blew up.

Do you think that means he likes me?

Don't chase that one, Poppy.

Happiness is a rich man in a tailored suit.

Not a burger salesman in a shellsuit.

No, no. Happiness is being in love...

Anyway, shouldn't you be getting ready for the hen?

Hey, Peroxide, thanks for coming in early, sweetheart.

-That's all right, that's all right.

-Much appreciated.

Look at this, what a lovely bouquet!

I've added willow.

Willow? All right...

It is your ninth anniversary, isn't it?

Yeah.

You see, traditionally, you should offer a gift of pottery or willow.

Now, willow can really, really bend, but it never breaks

and that's you and Kat...

Everything all right?

Yeah, never better.

Listen, girls, I need to ask you both a favour.

I need to go away.

This is the second hen of yours I've been to

and I ain't had one yet.

How do you get them all to propose and I'm still rockless?

I have had three kids with the bloke. Not like I've just met him.

It's like a movie, you and Max.

Cos you were together and then you were torn apart

-and now you're back together again.

-What movie would my life be?

Home Alone.

Is that stubble rash?

Fatboy. You might be next down the aisle, Pops!

No, no, that'd be me, yeah? I'm doing that sublim... That sublim...

That mind thing, yeah? So when he's sleeping I whisper to him.

"Propose. Buy diamonds..."

-BELL RINGS Oh, that might be your mum, Tan.

-Oh, I doubt it...

I told her to come. I did do the right thing?

You better answer it, then.

Girls, where are we off to then, eh?

R&R.

Again? That's where she had it the last time...

I've got something special planned, Kim.

-Better be strippers.

-We're going to go all sophisticated. If we can.

I can do sophisticated! Yeah. If you'll excuse me, one needs...

to wee!

THEY LAUGH

All right, Tan. Need a word. Wedding arrangements.

Best we take it in private, eh?

Nothing else needs paying for, does it, Derek?

I've had it up to here with bills.

I want you to make Joey leave Walford.

-What?

-Now.

No, hang on a minute, you can't come barging into my hen do

and start giving me orders.

Would you prefer me to barge into the local police station

and tell them the truth about your drunk daughter?

Derek, you told me to get Joey to stay and I did.

Now things have changed. He's made it perfectly clear

that he doesn't want to be a part of this family.

Can't have a loose cannon running around.

Hang on a minute, don't get me involved.

I don't know what's going on, but I don't want to be involved.

Oh, no, this is your family. Yours and your daughter's.

No, listen, Derek, I...

I don't know how you can stand there in front of Max,

when you know that Joey's poisoning your little Lauren.

-What kind of mother are you?

-A perfectly good one.

That's why I'm going to go and spend my hen do with my daughters,

and you're going to leave us alone.

You're going to regret what you're doing to her.

You were definitely the right person for the job.

Morgan hated me practising my French plaits on him.

I can't wait til my Lexi's hair's long enough to do all that kind of stuff.

Tiff wants me to dye her hair blue - she's been watching The Simpsons.

Can't wait for her to come back tomorrow. I really miss her.

Sorry. Is everything all right with your Lexi?

Yeah. She'll be home for Christmas anyway. Pops promised me.

Kids...

Even when I can't stand mine, I don't half love them.

We can't all be lucky like you, can we, Mum,

and have perfect kids like me?

Well, girls, I hope you enjoy your little hen do.

I can safely say that the stag's going to be

-the better send-off though!

-There is more, Derek, all right?

All right, Sharon. Why don't you take one of those...

What do you call them, Alice? Chill pills.

Dad, have you spoken to Joey? He's over at the R&R.

Yeah, everything's under control. You have a good time tonight.

No talking to strange men!

We've got to be protective of our children, haven't we, eh, Tan?

See you later, girls.

-See you later, Derek.

-See you later, Daddy.

-Bye.

Done.

You like them? They're an apology.

Why? What's happened?

No, no, nothing - nothing has happened.

-It's just, I've got to go on a trip.

-What sort of trip?

I got a phone call about a load of cheap plonk

coming off a ferry down in Plymouth,

it's the party season and I can't miss out, OK?

So, you going to be all right on your own for one night without me?

You're going to be gone all night?

But I'll make sure I see the stags in, but listen,

it's a ten-hour round trip, I'll be lucky to be back by lunchtime.

I can't handle the stag and the reception on my own.

It's all right. I spoke to Roxy and Jean, they'll cover it for you, it's fine.

And you, Kathleen Moon, because of my terrible abandonment,

you can have the night off, all right?

Treat yourself, yeah? OK.

Here he is. Stag.

Look, I'm not really up for tonight, Del.

Not with all this hanging over me.

What, you ain't paid up yet? Oh, Max.

Give them the money. End this now!

You've got no choice.

I don't know, I've been thinking, Del,

why don't I just tell Tan the truth?...

You see this face, hmm? You see these bruises?

I took these for you. To protect you.

You want to do the right thing by Tanya, you pay them,

stop this happening to yourself.

Yeah.

I'll take it.

No, it's all right, Del. I'll go with you.

No, no, I'm your best man.

It's my job to deliver you to your wedding.

You go to your stag. I'll sort it out.

This is amazing!

Well, being the manager does have some perks.

Ladies, R&R, these gentlemen, consider them

entirely at your hen night command.

Woo!

-Come here, you.

-Do you like it, Tan?

THEY CHATTER

BRASS BAND PLAYS IN DISTANCE

Right, all stags shall remain correctly attired in stag outfits

at all times, all right? Come on, Michael.

All whisky shall be provided gra... What's that?

-Gratis...

-That's in Latin. What does it mean?

It means Derek's paying for it!

-Wahey!

-Result!

I don't even drink whiskey, but if it's free...

As long as all stags refrain from mentioning the names of any female partners.

He's only saying that because he ain't got one.

Failure to comply with this will result in a forfeit of one round.

And finally, what goes on a stag do...

ALL: Stays on a stag do!

Come on!

Here he is!

THEY CHEER

-Shots!

-Yeah, shots, bring 'em in!

Drive carefully, won't you?

Always.

Bye then, Kat.

Does that lot know you're going?

Uh, no, no, no. But you can tell them for me, yeah?

Landlord? More drinks, please!

So where is he, then? The great Derek.

-He's on a job.

-Oh right,

so the best man can't even be here for the start of the stag do?

Jack, he looks out for me.

Derek don't look out for no-one but himself.

Ladies, take a seat please...

Take a seat and Phillip Schofield move to the left,

as there is a new host in town,

as I give you this very special edition of Mr & Mrs To Be.

THEY WHOOP AND CHEER

Now we asked Tanya Cross

what's her favourite part of Max's body.

-Er, please. Daughters present.

-Now what did she say?

I said his bum. His bottom. Cos it's sort of, bubble-like...

Well, let's see.

'What seriously? Favourite part of the body?'

Steady, steady... Whey!

A good peach, eh?

Back to me. Now, question two.

What is Tanya most proud of?

Oh, that's easy. That's easy. That's my babies, isn't it?

-ALL: Ahh...

-Lovely, lovely.

My babies.

Maximillion?

'Well, besides batting way out of her league when she got me...'

-Cheeky!

-'I'd have to say the kids..'

ALL: Ahhh.

THEY CHATTER

-You did good there, Tanya.

-Very good.

-Yeah.

Right, here we go!

Oh, Trace.

Winston, Winston, no Winston!

-You know that!

-Karl?!

Come on. Come on, Phil, play the game.

-No Philipo, come on!

-You and Tracy?

Ian! No way. She's a dark horse... She is one dark horse, man.

BANTER AND CHATTER

You lot need checks or something, all right? Seriously.

The lot of you.

-So is it done?

-All sorted.

What, all of it?

-I'll give you the details tomorrow.

-Thank you.

Right. Now let's get this party started.

Seeing as I'm the Best Man...

..the night's on me.

-CHEERING Where's Alfie?

-He's gone away.

Business trip. He's gonna be gone all night.

What we drinking, boys? What we drinking?

OK ladies, ladies! Welcome back. Now, we asked Max,

bit of a miserable one this one, Sharon, what makes Tanya cry?

My dad. He'll say I cry about my dad.

Well let's see. Sharon.

'I'll have to say her dad.

'And the fact he won't be there at her wedding.'

'Well, you know, both our dads won't be there, so...

'..his kid's wedding, you know.

'It's the one day you want to see, innit.'

'So, I'd say her dad.'

He ain't good enough to be my son-in-law.

It's all right for Kat, innit?

I wish I had the night off to do what I wanted.

Wish I had a man to sort it for me.

Can we have the drinks? We're starting to sober up over here.

I think you need to take the drinks over.

I'm really sorry, but Shilton has got to be in it.

What you talking about, Shilton?

You've got a fantasy 11 and you haven't got Ray Clemence in goal?

-Show some class.

-Class?

Show some class? What do you know about class, eh?

Jackie Bosch?

Oi, oi, what's that about?

Come on Del, it's my stag night, innit...

-What's that about?

-Boys, Seriously, you know,

I don't know if I could do fifty years of Kim.

Sometimes I struggle to last fifty minutes, man.

This girl right now, she's hissing weird stuff at me at night.

-Forfeit!

-Forfeit!

No talking about the ladies. No talking about women.

That's the rules.

Only cos you know you're gonna wake up on your own tomorrow.

-Calm down the pair of ya.

-I'll put you over my knee!

-Calm down will you, the pair of you.

-What's the matter with you.

Calm down, calm down. Come on, boys, boys...

Come on man, chill out, Chill out. Let's raise a glass. All of us.

-All right. To married life.

-Married life.

-Married life.

-And all who sink in her.

-Oh, come on, Ian.

Eh, come on guys, to Max, to Max.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

You knew about the scan, Mum.

And you couldn't even be bothered to walk, what, 50 steps to my house?

-Because I'm stubborn.

-You got that right.

You're the same. We both are.

We've both got the same Cross blood running through our veins.

-How is she?

-She's all right

-when you're not pouring drink down her neck.

-I was listening to her.

She ain't as strong as you, Tan. She needs protecting.

Well, thanks for the mother of the year chat, Mum.

I am protecting her.

I know that. I told her, to go easy on you.

It ain't easy being a mum, is it?

You don't know everything and you make mistakes.

For the cake.

# Oh, girls just want to have

# That's all they really want... #

-I know...

-Know what?

That you love me...

You're just scared. I get it.

Because obviously you're gonna be worried about what people say.

I'm scared.

I'm scared because I love you too.

Lauren...

..it's over, all right? You know that, Lauren.

We're over.

# Some boys take a beautiful girl

# And hide her away from the rest of the world

# I want to be the one to walk in the sun

# Oh, girls they want to have fun... #

Oi Shazzarooni? I think I suit sophistication.

This has been a decent hen night.

I reckon we could cope with a bit of tackiness though?

Oh, yeah, what have you got to see?

MUSIC: "You Can Leave Your Hat On" By Tom Jones

No, no!

GIRLS SCREAM

Ladies, make some noise!

ALL: Off! Off! Off! Off! Off! Off!

# Baby take off your coat... #

I was wrong, Joey.

This is killing her.

-What?

-You being here.

You know, I thought it would help, but it's not.

-It's hurting her.

-Look Tanya, I'd never hurt Lauren. You know that.

I know that. I know. But I just mean, just by being here.

Her having to see someone that she's in love with every day.

I can see it on her face, it's torture.

How can she do it, eh? How can she ever forget you?

Do you know who I had today? At my hen?

Threatening her?

Derek.

If he does anything to hurt her? Anything...

It's not her that he wants to hurt, is it, Joey?

It's you. Oh, Joey, he wants you to go.

And I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.

You still love my daughter, don't you?

Yes...

Then you need to help me.

You need to help me protect her.

I'm sorry, Joey.

But if you love her then... Please. You've got to go.

# ..hat on, yeah. #

Are you kidding? Did I miss it all?

We could ask for an encore? Got any more songs?

That's all the men and booze I can arrange ladies.

But you are more than welcome to stay, all right?

-I need my Ray. Now. I need him now.

-He's at the Vic with Dad.

Yeah. so is Fats.

Let's tell Dad you're coming to the wedding Nan.

Yeah, shall we go and see them? Let's all go.

Yeah, come on then. Come on, girls. Sharon.

-Joey!

-What?

Don't deny it. Cos I know. I can feel it.

You do that thing, yeah, when you push my hair away from my face.

-I know what that means now.

-I can't do this, all right, Lauren.

Why? We're meant to be together.

No, no we're not. All right, Lauren, will you listen to me.

This ain't gonna happen. I'm leaving.

I'm leaving, Lauren, because we can't do this.

I can't stay here with you. In Walford.

Joey? What did I do?

Nothing. Nothing, Lauren. You've done nothing.

What's happened then? What's changed? Why are you going?

Will you just forget about me, please? Lauren, please.

I want you to forget about me, all right?

# ..Church on time. #

Wahey!

Here you go, mate.

What, this it, is it? A few drinks at the local?

What's that? The best the Best Man can do?

Where you going? I thought you was having a quiet night in?

Thought I'd go to the hen night.

Here we go. Oi, oi!

So, which one of you has been a naughty boy?

Here, girls, over here. This is him.

He's been a very naughty boy. You punish him, girls.

Go on, punish him.

You know, finding someone who loves you so much that they want to

spend every single minute of the day with you must be wonderful.

Like Alfie, today, asking me to make

an exact replica of Kat's wedding bouquet.

Just because he wasn't going to be here this evening.

That couple. They're unbreakable.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd