25/02/2013 EastEnders


25/02/2013

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CRASH

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(Useless.)

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HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

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D'you really think she's going to want all this?

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Do you want my help or not?

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All right!

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Do you think Masood would like musicals?

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I've never met him, but it's not classic bloke territory, love.

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You would have got on with me dad.

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Total domestic incompetence.

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It's all right, babe, don't offer to help.

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-You can't work an ironing board?

-Well, I never used to have to do this at home, did I?

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She wants you to be together?

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-Yeah.

-She wants to be my sister-in-law?

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-AJ...

-Tam's evil stepmother?

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I didn't skive off work so you could make cheap one-liners.

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What do you want, my blessing?

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-No!

-My...encouragement? My discouragement?

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-Do I have a veto?

-You are not the EU.

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I don't know...

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a bit of advice, maybe?

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Hmm...

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Should you go out with a beautiful girl half your age...?

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-And alienate my son forever.

-He's a teenager.

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They're supposed to be alienated.

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He is not a teenager! When are you going to pay attention? You...

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HE CLEARS HIS THROAT All right, Tam?

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I didn't hear you get up.

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I mean, who's going to buy a motor off a geezer

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-who can't iron his own shirt?

-You can't see the creases.

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Homesick?

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Er...nah.

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Yeah. A little bit, yeah. I miss the family, don't I?

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I thought I was family.

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No, I meant my family.

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What am I, the annexe?

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KNOCK AT DOOR

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Another year quicker Another year smarter

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Another year better looking And that's just for starter.

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-What you talking about?

-It's my...

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Oh...

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-I thought you'd get it.

-Get what? What's there to get?

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Don't answer that, I don't care. What do you want?

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You said you'd pay me today.

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Jack?

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(Go and buy me some time, go on.)

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Mum! I need a pay rise.

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Oh, do you now?

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£5 a week isn't enough these days.

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-Really?

-Oi!

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I said buy me some time, not pick a fight!

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What are you two up to in there?

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Well...we've got breakfast in there.

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-Oh, you sweethearts!

-Mm-hm.

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What you after?

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It's just what happens if you don't rush off in the morning.

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Should try it more often, shouldn't she?

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Maybe I will.

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MOBILE PHONE RINGS

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Right. Let's go see what we got, yeah?

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-Well, can you or not?

-What?

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Give me and Pops a lift to court on Monday.

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-Listen, I'm heading in early to meet Jimmie.

-That's all right. Just give us a lift.

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I don't need the hassle, all right? Just get a bus.

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-You all right?

-Yeah. Just Phil, innit?

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-Yeah.

-Yeah, he has no idea what it's like to stand in front of a judge

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and ask to see your own baby more.

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You know what? That guy goes to court so much

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it's like going down the local to him.

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HE LAUGHS

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Yeah, it's hilarious(!)

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KNOCK AT DOOR

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Hello.

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-Hi.

-Hi.

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How are you doing? You all right?

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Um...

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Do you fancy breakfast?

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What, you and me?

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Yeah.

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You and me have breakfast together?

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I was going to get pickled herring.

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Pickled herring. Right.

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That's supposed to persuade me, is it?

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Is that a no?

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Er...well, I've just opened up, Alice. I can't, really.

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Course.

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I'll ask Jack.

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Yeah, I don't think he's really a massive fan of cold fish either.

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Remember me?

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Ayesha.

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Masood's friend.

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Kind of.

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It was only last week. I'm not demented.

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You know him well, don't you?

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At least he goes on like you're old pals.

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Kind of.

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I was wondering, do you know if he likes musicals?

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SHE SIGHS

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I've got no idea.

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Why?

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Just a date.

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Oh right, well...

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sorry that I couldn't be more of a help to you.

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Sure. No worries.

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I just thought I'd ask.

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You'd have to get up at some point.

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Not if your bed was on wheels.

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You could have a sink to brush your teeth,

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and you could wheel right to school.

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-THEY LAUGH

-Yeah, well, until the sink's installed,

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you'll have to brush them in the bathroom. Now go on, sling your hook or you'll be late.

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Well, this is the life.

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-What, being bossed about by a six-year-old?

-No, no...

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Just, you know, the normality of it.

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Just a shame he keeps getting in the way,

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-calling at eight o'clock this morning...

-Oh, don't, Jack.

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Well, come on, it must get to you.

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He can be a bit much.

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You work twice as hard as him.

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It's not even your club.

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You'd earn a fortune if you were working in the West End.

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-Very true.

-So?

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Just get another job.

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MOBILE PHONE RINGS

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HE SIGHS

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Alice.

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All right, all right. Calm down...

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All right. Look, I'm going to be there in a minute, yeah? Just stay there.

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-I've got to go.

-OK.

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HE SIGHS

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Jack?

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I'll think about it.

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Yeah?

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Yeah.

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Phil, listen, I was thinking...

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That's risky.

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I overheard you saying that Monday was going to be

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a bit of a nightmare for you.

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That was a private conversation.

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I'm sorry. I've just got this mad hearing range.

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-Is that a joke?

-Look, I could take a car, drive Lola and this Pops character to the court,

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-and just relieve you of the burden of responsibility...

-Just finish the gearbox, yeah?

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All right, picture the scene.

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Signal failure on the tube, so now she's got to take the bus,

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only she's lost her Oyster card between Walford East and the number 28.

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-So now she's late, she's crying,

-MOBILE PHONE RINGS

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he's got pains shooting down his arm. Do you really want to give him CPR first thing on a Monday?

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Sharon, where have you been? I called you over an hour ago.

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It's my wallet it comes out of if I miss it.

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I didn't do it on purpose!

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-What's that? What's going on?

-I dunno, something about a dodgy note.

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-It's amazing what passes for entertainment round here.

-Yeah.

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Look, will you have Tommy for me?

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I've got to go pick up some new stock and playgroup's closed.

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No.

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It's only for a half hour!

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No.

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Thanks(!)

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It's not my policy, it's the parent company's.

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And the parent company isn't here.

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Open up, will you!

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You're acting like she's the victim and I'm the criminal here!

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She's not going to do a runner, is she?

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Come on!

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Uncle Jack, I didn't know, I swear!

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What's happened?

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She's tried to buy pickled herring with a snide twenty.

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-Right.

-Well, she's hardly going to have done that on purpose...

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Either way, she's been caught on CCTV, and if the regional manager sees and I don't report her...

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-Report me?

-It's all right. It's all right.

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-DENISE SIGHS

-Denise, are you all right?

-No.

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I've hardly slept in days.

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Patrick keeps ringing on this flipping bell thing

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-every five minutes.

-That must be tough.

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Look...

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Let me cover the herring.

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I'll find out where this money's come from and make sure it don't get back here.

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All right? She's a good kid.

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Yeah, I know.

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Look, I've made her cry. I'm a monster.

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No, she's all right. She'll understand.

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Look, I doubt that the regional manager

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looks through every second of the CCTV.

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Come on.

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-I can help with Patrick if you like.

-You don't know what you're letting yourself in for.

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-I'll just pretend I didn't hear that.

-No, I'm serious. I can help.

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Thanks, Mas.

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Do you remember where you got that note?

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It was change from a cabbie.

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Oh, what, you gave him a 50, did you?

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-Is this Michael?

-Look, I'll pay you back later.

-Alice...

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Is it Michael?

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Can you just leave it? Please.

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OK.

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Here, wait.

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Herring?

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You really don't know, do you?

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Well?

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What couldn't wait?

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I want a raise.

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Huh...

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And then he says, "That's my family."

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And this is the man you're married to?

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Right. So I'm the one wearing the wedding ring,

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yet somehow I'm still the tart down the road.

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Do you think it'll be like that with me and Masood's ex?

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Depends on him.

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Well, at least she's not around any more.

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Just be careful.

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They have a habit of resurfacing at awkward moments.

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Excuse me, you cannot open that in here.

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Will everyone just get off my back?!

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Alice. Are you OK?

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It's Max's niece.

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Think I should go after her?

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That's HIS family, remember?

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Mmm.

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Michael!

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Michael, open the door!

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Er...

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He might not be in.

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Yeah.

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Yeah, with anybody else I'd assume that, but with Michael, right,

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there's a significant possibility that he's behind the door

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with his fingers in his ears, praying that I'm going to go away.

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-BANGS ON DOOR

-Get out!

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What?

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Michael!

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I'm not asking the earth.

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-Shouldn't be asking in the first place, should you?

-You do know what I do at that club?

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All I know is that all I've done is help you since you got back.

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You know, I sorted out your son, that wedding mess, and I've given you a job, ain't I?

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Yeah, and I'm grateful, and I work hard for you because of it.

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Come on.

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I'm only asking for what I'd get somewhere else.

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Do you know what?

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If you don't like it, you know what you can do, don't you?

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Jack.

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I've thought about it, and you're right.

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Might even have got a job interview.

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SHE CHUCKLES

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Yeah, I thought you'd be happy.

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Seems like the whole world's against you.

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I know how you feel.

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I'm sure everyone thinks I'm some cretin that's forced the weak and vulnerable Max into wedlock.

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Sorry, I want to be on my own.

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What's with the herring?

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Odd choice for brekkie.

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My dad had it every year for his birthday.

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It's not today, is it?

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Max didn't say anything.

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No.

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No-one did.

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I never got to spend one single birthday with him,

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and now he's gone, and no-one remembers.

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Phil. All right?

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I'm busy.

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About last week.

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Before then, things were going well, no?

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-So?

-I thought there might be scope to review the situation.

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Look, I told you. I ain't interested.

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Good business, Phil, is good business. Right?

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Not with you, it ain't.

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Oi! My niece was in bits this morning.

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-Well, coming from your family, that don't really narrow it down.

-Alice.

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She got caught in the Minute Mart using dodgy money.

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PHIL CHUCKLES

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What you laughing at?

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Your family.

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Oh, you started looking for a new bar manager yet?

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I'm sure Sharon will help you look at prospective candidates if you're nice.

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What are you on about?

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Come on, surely you didn't think a woman like Sharon would stay at a club like that for too long?

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-She's got things she wants to do with her life.

-She's fine.

-Oh, yeah?

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Then why's she got herself an interview, then?

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Feel it all slipping away, Phil?

0:14:080:14:09

Calm down, love, we haven't brought our own packed lunches.

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Two teas.

0:14:190:14:20

I liked Derek.

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He introduced me to Max.

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We had our problems, but I loved him for that.

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When I was a kid, my mum told me that every year on his birthday

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he'd come downstairs with this routine.

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He'd sing this rhyme, and then he'd open up the pickled herring

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and tell you how he'd never had a birthday without it.

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He was a character.

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Mum told me that to do him down, but...

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I thought it was sweet.

0:14:520:14:53

Did you try speaking to Carol?

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There's no point. They all just want to forget. They haven't even got pictures of him.

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Why don't you say something?

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Tell you what...

0:15:040:15:06

How about we get everyone together,

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throw Derek a birthday party at the Vic?

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Cos no-one in the family would come.

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I'm family now, aren't I?

0:15:130:15:15

You all right, boss?

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Ritchie.

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Yeah, I need a favour.

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Yeah, and I need it fast.

0:15:280:15:30

I thought you might like some lunch.

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No offence, but I ain't really in the mood for talking.

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Well, don't talk, then.

0:15:460:15:47

Alice!

0:15:590:16:00

Alice, come on.

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Don't be that way, huh?

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It was an honest mistake.

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Sure.

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You didn't notice either, right?

0:16:060:16:08

-No.

-So we can both agree to not tell anybody, i.e. Jack.

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I'll try.

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You'll try?

0:16:140:16:15

It's a bit difficult trying to explain to everybody

0:16:150:16:17

-why I'm broke all the time when I have a job.

-Yep.

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Yep, you're right. I...

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I will pay you.

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At some point. I promise.

0:16:250:16:27

Alice.

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Alice?

0:16:540:16:56

Alice, you seen my shoes?

0:16:560:16:57

Er...

0:16:580:17:00

There. Behind the sofa. Yeah, nice one.

0:17:000:17:02

-Have you got a shift?

-Yeah.

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And I ain't even had lunch yet. You going to eat them?

0:17:040:17:07

Huh?

0:17:070:17:08

No?

0:17:080:17:09

Mmm.

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Do you like them?

0:17:120:17:13

Mmm. They're lovely. Love 'em.

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Really?

0:17:150:17:17

Mmm. Yeah. Like a guilty secret, innit?

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SHE LAUGHS

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Don't tell Lauren, will you? Girls don't understand it.

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SHE LAUGHS

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What?

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Nothing. It's just...

0:17:270:17:28

-You remind me of someone, that's all.

-Yeah?

0:17:280:17:31

All right, weirdo.

0:17:310:17:32

-See you later.

-Bye.

0:17:320:17:33

DOOR SLAMS

0:17:360:17:37

Happy birthday, Dad.

0:17:390:17:41

-A musical?

-Yeah.

0:17:460:17:47

You should have seen her, smiling sweetly.

0:17:470:17:50

"It's just a date."

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DENISE LAUGHS

0:17:510:17:52

Oh!

0:17:540:17:55

Tamwar.

0:17:550:17:57

How are you doing?

0:17:570:17:58

-Yeah. Just the chocolate, please.

-Ahh...

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That always makes me feel better.

0:18:000:18:02

-Must be tough, you know, with your mum gone.

-Yeah.

0:18:030:18:06

But, you know, it's OK. Cos...

0:18:060:18:07

We've got a new improved model, so...

0:18:070:18:09

What is Masood playing at?

0:18:120:18:14

What do you think you're playing at?

0:18:160:18:17

That's a bit harsh.

0:18:170:18:19

You see yourself as some sort of tragic hero type character, don't you?

0:18:190:18:23

Doomed to walk the globe forever, all alone and miserable.

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That's not quite true.

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Turning your back on joy and happiness

0:18:280:18:30

because that's not for you.

0:18:300:18:31

-You were put here to suffer!

-All right, you've made your point.

0:18:310:18:34

So will you please go out with the girl?

0:18:340:18:37

So what if she's younger?

0:18:370:18:39

Emotionally she's got years on you.

0:18:390:18:42

Thanks.

0:18:420:18:44

Have some fun!

0:18:440:18:46

Stop worrying about where it's all going to end and just...

0:18:460:18:49

oh...enjoy.

0:18:490:18:50

-I haven't finished eating that!

-I don't care.

0:18:500:18:52

-Right. I need to go and get this part in Walthamstow.

-Thanks, Dex.

0:18:580:19:01

-For what? It was only chips.

-Not for the chips.

0:19:010:19:03

But everyone's always poking their nose in my business

0:19:030:19:05

like I'm some sort of lowlife,

0:19:050:19:07

so thanks for not caring.

0:19:070:19:08

It's all right.

0:19:080:19:10

Can you believe that I actually have to ask permission to see mine?

0:19:150:19:18

Trust me.

0:19:180:19:20

Give it 20 years, you'll be doing everything in your power to get her out.

0:19:200:19:23

What? No way! She can live with me her whole life if she wants.

0:19:230:19:26

Now you sound like my mum.

0:19:260:19:28

For what it's worth, though...

0:19:280:19:30

you seem like a really good mum.

0:19:300:19:33

-Gotta get this part.

-See you.

0:19:330:19:35

So is Masood in?

0:19:420:19:44

"Masood"?

0:19:440:19:46

Uncle Ji's a bit inappropriate these days, right?

0:19:460:19:49

Is that a no?

0:19:490:19:50

Ah.

0:19:510:19:52

Thought I heard voices.

0:19:520:19:54

Oh...

0:19:560:19:57

Mmm...

0:19:580:19:59

He hates me.

0:19:590:20:00

He hates both of us.

0:20:000:20:02

I didn't mean to cause all this.

0:20:020:20:04

He just misses his mum, that's all.

0:20:040:20:06

Do you?

0:20:070:20:08

Let's not talk about that here.

0:20:100:20:11

I...

0:20:190:20:21

I got us tickets to see something. It's cheesy.

0:20:210:20:24

You'll probably hate it.

0:20:260:20:27

-You asking me out on a date?

-No, I...

0:20:280:20:30

Well, um...

0:20:320:20:33

yeah.

0:20:330:20:35

Oh...

0:20:360:20:38

Well, don't I feel stupid?!

0:20:390:20:41

Er, no.

0:20:410:20:43

Um...

0:20:430:20:44

I'd love to go somewhere cheesy with you that I'd probably hate.

0:20:460:20:49

-Really?

-Yeah.

0:20:490:20:51

SHE LAUGHS

0:20:510:20:53

Oh...I...I'm sorry. I...

0:20:540:20:57

-DENISE:

-Unbelievable.

0:20:570:20:58

Masood! Patrick says he don't need your help.

0:20:580:21:01

He's got standards.

0:21:010:21:02

Sorry.

0:21:020:21:04

What was that about?

0:21:070:21:08

Who cares?

0:21:100:21:11

SHE CHUCKLES

0:21:140:21:15

There you go.

0:21:220:21:24

What's this?

0:21:240:21:25

Someone told me you were setting up interviews.

0:21:250:21:28

Well, you as good as told me to.

0:21:280:21:30

Yeah, and I was wrong to do that.

0:21:300:21:32

-Mmm.

-I mean, since you started at the club, well, profits are up.

0:21:320:21:37

And I, er...

0:21:370:21:38

I should have given you that raise...

0:21:380:21:39

Bit late for that, Phil.

0:21:390:21:41

..which is why I'm offering you a bit more.

0:21:410:21:43

A stake?

0:21:440:21:45

In the club?

0:21:450:21:47

Mmm. 19 per cent.

0:21:470:21:48

The most I can give you without losing control to Janine.

0:21:480:21:52

Well, how much?

0:21:520:21:53

Free.

0:21:530:21:54

Free?

0:21:540:21:56

You wouldn't even give me an extra hundred quid a week this morning.

0:21:560:22:00

Free comes with strings, Phil.

0:22:000:22:02

It's a business proposal. You know...

0:22:020:22:04

You sign, you share the profits and the losses.

0:22:040:22:07

You know, the way I see it is, you'll work harder and I'll...

0:22:070:22:09

I'll make more money, won't I?

0:22:090:22:11

And if there are any strings, well...

0:22:110:22:14

Jack won't like it, will he?

0:22:140:22:16

In fact, he'll hate it. I know if it was you and me,

0:22:160:22:18

-and you was going to go into partnership with him, I'd hate it an' all.

-Men.

0:22:180:22:21

We're all just property to you, aren't we?

0:22:210:22:23

I'm just telling you what you already know.

0:22:230:22:25

I mean, what do you want more, eh? Marital bliss or bricks and mortar?

0:22:250:22:28

I just don't get it.

0:22:310:22:33

I mean, I'll eat anything. Anything.

0:22:330:22:36

But black pudding soaked in beans? Who is eating this stuff?

0:22:360:22:40

-I know.

-Huh?

0:22:400:22:42

Have you actually come here to buy anything,

0:22:420:22:44

or did you just come here to bully innocent shop assistants?

0:22:440:22:47

I'm just keeping abreast of consumer habits. What's up with you?

0:22:470:22:50

I just saw Ayesha.

0:22:500:22:52

And?

0:22:520:22:53

And what?

0:22:530:22:55

And are you going to date her?

0:22:550:22:56

How can you even ask me that?

0:22:580:22:59

Have you forgotten what we talked about this afternoon?

0:22:590:23:02

For heavens' sake, man! What am I supposed to do?

0:23:020:23:04

Just forget my troubles and enjoy myself? Life isn't like that, AJ.

0:23:040:23:08

You know?

0:23:080:23:10

It's about knuckling down and...

0:23:100:23:12

accepting your lot.

0:23:120:23:14

I can't believe I'm hearing this.

0:23:140:23:16

So what if it hurts?

0:23:160:23:18

So what if I spend the rest of my life

0:23:180:23:20

living out my days wondering what might have been.

0:23:200:23:24

So that's it? Just you and your lot?

0:23:240:23:27

Oh, welcome to the real world, AJ.

0:23:270:23:28

No-one said it was going to be a tin of beans.

0:23:280:23:30

Someone's got to go out

0:23:330:23:35

with this beautiful 24-year-old from Newcastle.

0:23:350:23:39

Now don't stop me.

0:23:390:23:41

It's a cross I must bear.

0:23:410:23:42

AJ LAUGHS

0:23:450:23:47

-Yeah!

-So you reckon Michael's palming off dodgy notes onto Alice?

0:23:470:23:50

Well, she ain't said it's him, but he's hardly the moral compass of the East End, is he?

0:23:500:23:54

-Here she is!

-Hey.

0:23:550:23:57

Come to celebrate her new life!

0:23:570:23:59

I'll get the drinks in.

0:23:590:24:01

Exciting times, eh?

0:24:010:24:02

-Can I get a pint, a whisky and a large G&T?

-Yeah, sure.

0:24:020:24:05

-Cheers.

-You forgot Derek's birthday.

0:24:050:24:08

Oh, yeah.

0:24:100:24:11

Pickled herring.

0:24:130:24:15

Oi...

0:24:150:24:16

It's Derek's birthday today.

0:24:160:24:18

-Today?

-Yeah.

0:24:180:24:19

-Another year quicker Another year smarter...

-Spare me, will you?

0:24:190:24:22

Little rhyme he used to come out with. Proper wind-up, he was.

0:24:220:24:24

-Yeah, well, I don't think Alice sees it that way.

-HE SIGHS

0:24:240:24:27

Don't get involved.

0:24:270:24:28

Oh, sorry, this is your family. I forgot.

0:24:280:24:30

Perhaps you could draw me a diagram so I know whose toes not to tread on.

0:24:300:24:33

-Babe, what's the matter with you today?

-Your niece is upset, so don't tell me to keep my nose out.

0:24:330:24:37

How about you tell me what you're going to do to cheer her up?

0:24:370:24:41

So come on, then. Tell me about your job.

0:24:420:24:44

Where is it?

0:24:440:24:45

It was a bar in Canary Wharf.

0:24:450:24:47

-Was?

-I'm not going to the interview, Jack.

0:24:480:24:50

Phil's offered me a share in R&R.

0:24:500:24:52

You serious?

0:24:540:24:55

19 per cent.

0:24:550:24:56

What, and you're thinking about it?

0:24:560:24:59

-Jack, it's worth thousands!

-OK, he's trying to screw us up, ain't he?

0:24:590:25:02

No. He's trying to retain my services.

0:25:020:25:04

And I can't believe how you allow him to treat you like this.

0:25:040:25:07

-Like what?

-Like his puppet.

0:25:070:25:08

-Instead of yours, you mean?

-You're my fiancee.

0:25:080:25:11

SHE SIGHS

0:25:110:25:12

Oi!

0:25:120:25:14

Sharon! I didn't mean that, did I?

0:25:140:25:15

Sharon!

0:25:150:25:17

Sharon, please.

0:25:190:25:20

-If you'd stopped to think, you could have seen that this is our chance to build something together.

-How?

0:25:200:25:25

When we're married, you'll own it too.

0:25:250:25:27

Sharon, I don't want Phil Mitchell parked in the middle of our marriage, all right?

0:25:270:25:31

-I'm not that mercenary.

-Oh, and I am?

0:25:310:25:32

Phil's part of my life, Jack.

0:25:320:25:34

You want to marry me? Get used to it.

0:25:340:25:36

Hey, Tam. How was the market today?

0:25:400:25:42

Busy?

0:25:420:25:43

Oh, come on, Tam. Say something.

0:25:440:25:46

I get enough of it out there without getting it at home too.

0:25:460:25:49

You know, I deserve to be happy.

0:25:510:25:53

OK. And what, being happy involves dating Ayesha, does it?

0:25:550:25:58

Yes. It does.

0:25:580:26:00

DOOR SLAMS

0:26:150:26:16

I wondered when you'd show up.

0:26:160:26:18

So what's this?

0:26:180:26:19

Eh? Final act of a desperate man?

0:26:190:26:21

You wouldn't be here if she was going to turn me down.

0:26:220:26:24

She's going to take me up on it, ain't she?

0:26:250:26:28

-No, cos you're going to call her and tell her it's off.

-Nah.

0:26:280:26:30

It's just good business.

0:26:300:26:32

Giving away free shares ain't good business.

0:26:320:26:34

It ain't free, is it?

0:26:340:26:36

Because the cost is you.

0:26:360:26:39

Your relationship, all right?

0:26:390:26:40

I told her that you wouldn't like it.

0:26:420:26:43

She wouldn't have had that.

0:26:450:26:46

I spelled it out to her, and d'you know what she did?

0:26:460:26:48

-Shrugged her shoulders.

-Wouldn't happen.

-Oh, come on.

0:26:480:26:51

You don't think she realises

0:26:510:26:52

that being my partner ain't going to mess you two up?

0:26:520:26:54

She ain't an idiot, is she?

0:26:540:26:57

The fact is, she knows it, but she wants it anyway.

0:26:570:26:59

-Don't push it, Phil.

-She always did like a good wind-up.

0:27:010:27:03

I remember that from back in the day.

0:27:030:27:05

Shut your mouth.

0:27:050:27:06

I told you she'd be mine, didn't I?

0:27:060:27:08

Well, come on! Get up!

0:27:110:27:13

Come on, fight like a man! This is what you want, ain't it?!

0:27:130:27:17

Get up, fight me, come on!

0:27:170:27:19

PHIL GROANS

0:27:190:27:21

Phil, get up.

0:27:210:27:22

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0:27:520:27:54

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