04/06/2013 EastEnders

Normally I hate mice, but

Monty was such a cute little thing, you know.

Can't have been much more than a baby.

Don't upset yourself.

'And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes

'and there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying.'

Now that is Revelations, Poppy, that is chapter twenty one, verse...

four.

TIMER RINGS

Ooh, me cake!

This is the vicar's favourite. I don't think she'll like it much.

Who won't?

Myra... Mandy... whatever her name is.

His curate. Little Miss Look-down-your-nose.

Thing is, Mrs Branning, I'm worried what I'm going to say to Bobby.

Perhaps we could have a little funeral. Huh?

You know, the vicar might bestow a blessing. Bobby'll like that.

The thing is, I've already thrown Monty in the dustbin.

Got any rubber gloves?

When did you last have it, Jenna?

I remember taking a call from a client in here about seven last night.

Well, let me phone your phone, yeah? What's the number?

Thing is I always switch it off at night to work on my dissertation.

-Oh!

-I'm fully booked today but no phone means no more business,

-which would be a complete pain, you know.

-Yeah.

-Well, if it shows up, I'll let you know.

-Thanks Kim, you're a sweetie.

-S'all right.

-I'll get that.

-Thanks.

Kimmie, don't worry about her phone, where's my breakfast?

Oh, about that - there's a slight problem with the bacon.

-Not again, man?

-I can pop over to the shops.

-No. That's going to take ages.

-Where you going?

-I'm going to Baconland! All right?

-Baconland?

-You all right, Abs?

-Hiya.

-Don't ask for bacon, babe.

Did you speak to your dad?

Yeah and...?

-He wants to take it for a test drive!

-You're joking?

No, but it's got to be, like, now, cos he's busy later.

-Does Dexter know?

-Not yet. But I've got to go.

-I'll be late for my chemistry exam.

-Good luck.

Listen, I'll meet you in the cafe later, yeah?

Dexter's going to be well happy. Holiday here we come!

SHARON'S MOBILE RINGS

Janine, I'm having my breakfast.

I just wondered if you'd seen Phil's latest bright idea for the club?

Well, I've had a lot on my mind, sorry.

-It's nonsense. Trust me.

-'So?'

So, I'm looking for allies. Impertinent question, I know...

..but how are you two getting on these days?

Hi Poppy. Fatboy told me he left Monty here.

Oh. Bobby. Um... I think you'd better come inside.

-Dad says I've got to take him back...

-Yeah.

-It's not fair.

-Oh, hello, Bobby.

Where's Monty?

I have your qualified approval?

-Janine?

-Oh, he's here. Speak soon.

-Phillip!

-You're sitting in my chair.

And you need some lessons in to how to be a gentleman!

So, what's this all about?

You're not serious about this, are you?

Does what it says on the tin. Blokes, booze and football.

What's not to like?

Let me count the ways.

You're allowed to cry, Bobby.

-It's not Monty I'm upset about.

-No?

Won't get all me money back now, will I?

He's his father's son, all right.

Well, I don't suppose it was that expensive, eh?

What are you doing?

How about I give him some money... there you go.

-Yeah?

-Three pounds?

I paid twenty quid for it and they're thirty quid in the shops.

And that's for a baby.

Thirty quid for a baby mouse?

-The mouse was its food.

-'It'? What's 'it'?

-Monty's a snake.

-Oh, my Godfathers!

-He won't have gone far.

You mean it's here? In this house? A snake? In my house?

And with the vicar due in less than half an hour?

-Corn snake. Harmless.

-I don't care what it's called!

Look, I'm not stopping here a minute longer.

Ooh, I shall have to cancel the vicar!

Oh, to think I changed me shift for this!

Let me know as soon as you've got rid of it.

-Oh, no, where are you going?

-School. They go bonkers if you're late.

-No, you can't. No.

-If it makes you any happier,

they like to hide in warm, dark places.

How is that supposed to make me happier?

I know the bloke that runs it. Guest speaker, few filthy jokes,

West Ham's greatest hits on the big screen - it's a money spinner.

So we're targeting the 'beer-bellied blokes getting bladdered' market?

-Are we?

-Least I'm coming up with stuff!

-Who said I wasn't?

Look, we need to spread our net a little bit wider.

-We agree on that.

-Go on.

So, with that in mind, my counter proposal is...

Monday night is gay night...

-What...?

-Tuesday - 'Lezbe friends'... Wednesday 'ManTran'.

-Mantran? What's 'ManTran'?

-Male transvestites, Philip.

Come on, get in the 21st century! Thursday night...

-Nah, nah. Stop. Stop right there.

-I haven't got to my Saturday yet!

-This ain't happening.

-You're so predictable.

You need to shake off those caveman prejudices you've got.

-Not while I'm running this place.

-Yeah, but you're not. Are you?

Well, not completely.

Right. Well, let's see what Sharon's got to say.

I'm going to call a shareholders meeting. Don't move.

SHARON'S MOBILE RINGS

-Hi?

-Reaction exactly as anticipated

and he should be with you in about... two minutes?

You're a very wicked lady.

Well?

I don't know. There might be a mug somewhere who'd take it.

-I'll give you a monkey.

-Five hundred quid? Are you nuts?

That's really good business etiquette, that is, Jay.

Calling your client 'nuts'. Really going to seal the deal, ain't it?

We spent more than that doing it up. Didn't we, Dex?

Sorry, can we have a minute please, Mr Branning?

What you doing? You can't exactly call him nuts?

-What about our holiday?

-Least this way we cut our losses.

Are you going to tell Abi and Lola?... No.

Listen Max, we'll take a grand off you.

-But anything less is a joke really.

-See you later.

Bruv, what are you doing? You give up too easy.

-Have you checked the website today?

-Oh, it was a stupid idea anyway.

-You're just so negative all the time.

-Guys! Guys! I need a brave man.

Like, now.

-Psst! Is she in?

-No. Why?

-Good. We can have a little chat.

-Michael!

If Janine catches you in here, I'm dead. Would you please leave?

-I won't be long - I'm not staying.

-What're you doing?

Is that the picture?

Yeah.

This is good. This is really good. Cos what this says is -

she's vulnerable.

So this is what I want you to do. You go to see her.

You tell her you've seen me in the street.

I look like a little boy lost. I look really pathetic.

You feel really sorry for me. You're worried about me.

You've never seen me so low.

If only she'd give me a second chance,

cos I'm so desperate to prove my love to her.

That I still love her.

Any old cobblers'll do.

And then you report back to me.

All right?

-All right?

-Yeah.

-Yeah!

-Cheers!

-Bruv! Hey!

You got back from Birmingham.

-Yeah, I caught the first train.

-How's that nephew of mine?

Ooh, ooh, who you looking for? As if I didn't know.

-Is she all right?

-Who? Carol? How would I know?

-Something's not right.

-Like what?

Well, I keep phoning her mobile, it goes straight to voice mail.

I leave a message, she doesn't return my call.

So, why don't you go round there. What's stopping you? Ah!

Faint heart and fair lady and all that. Eh?

What happened to the legendary Masood charm

and charisma? Huh? Huh?

HE CHUCKLES

He ain't there! He must be on his way.

What am I going to do, Arthur? Here y'are.

-What kind of snake was it?

-It was a snake! In my house!

Who cares what its name was?

Mrs B, this is all my fault. I'm so sorry.

When you've got a vicar visiting,

you do not want a viper in the vicinity.

-Ta. Hold on Marie...

-No, no, no, Mrs B, Mrs B - this one's on me.

-Least I can do.

-Yes, well, thank you very much,

but it don't address the serpent under the sideboard.

Listen, you wait here, all right.

I'm going to go get Kim to let you have your meeting over there.

What? In the B&B?

No, no, no! All right?

In Walford's number one, premier conference venue! All right?

So, I'll go and sort that, and then I'll go and sort the snake,

then I'll sort the vicar, and I'll sort everything else.

-You get yourself over there once you've finished your tea.

-Tea!

I've left the vicar's Victoria sponge on the kitchen table!

Trust me. I've got you covered. OK.

You've left your paper.

-Oh, no, I'm done with that. You can have it.

-Very kind, thank you.

If that's what she wants, why not go the whole hog? Scrub the R&R. Call it the P&P.

Perverts' Paradise.

-Only you're not allowed to use that word

-any more. What? Paradise? Be more like hell, wouldn't it?

You sure she's not just winding you up?

This is Janine making her move. We've got to stop her.

We? I thought I wasn't trusted.

If we stick together, we can knock this on the head right now.

Sharon, I didn't give you that share in the club so Janine could flush it down the khazi.

Kimmie! Kim!

Hi. Have you seen Kim?

You all right?

Don't tell me - the cafe got no bacon as well?

It's not that, all right. I need a favour. But not for me.

For God!

What colour is it?

-Be snake-coloured, won't it?

-So how big is it?

It's called Monty, but we're not talking python!

-What you scared of, then?

-Who says I'm scared? I'm worried about leaving AJ on his own.

No way are you leaving me with a snake on my own, bruv.

SCREAMING

So...I went to get some tea bags from the bottom of the cupboard.

And it was there. By the biscuits.

I feel sick.

-Don't look at me.

-You're the one with the tongs.

-You're the one with the sweat on.

-And you're not scared?

-I ain't scared.

-Well, go on then.

-Will one of you just man up!

-What happened to girl power?!

OK, well, here's some girl power. Do it!

-HE SIGHS

-All right.

He's so brave.

Jay?

I can't. Sorry, I can't.

Your reverence, Sir...

Message from her Royal Dottiness.

Her house is a no-go zone right now, that's on account of -

that's on account of something - but the new sit-down is at the B&B.

That cool?

More than cool. Lead the way.

Arthur, isn't it?

Yes, sir, yes, sir. You good?

-Yeah.

-Fats! Fats!

Hey, baby, I'm with his holiness right now.

Sorry. It's an emergency. I need you now.

I know what this is about.

You'd better go.

Yes, but one thing - this whole Church Warden thing is really important to Mrs B, all right.

So don't go letting her down. All right? The Lord is watching, remember. All right.

MASOOD ON ANSWERING MACHINE: ..so I am around now.

Give us a call when you get this and maybe we can - I dunno - catch up.

Hope you're well. Speak soon.

Why haven't you phoned him back?

You do like him, don't you?

Yes. Yes, I do.

And he obviously likes you.

KNOCK ON DOOR

I don't want to see anybody.

-It's him.

-Oh, no!

I think he's seen me. I've got to let him in.

-No, just... Say I'm not here.

-No, I'm not going to do that, Carol - that's not fair.

-All right...

-Uh, yeah. Is, um....?

-Yeah. She's through here.

I can't believe it. What you scared of, man?

-Least I went in. He didn't even do that.

-It's in the kitchen. Bottom of the cupboard. OK.

-Here, you're going to need these.

-I don't need that. I don't anything, OK baby.

All right. I can't believe you two, man.

You're supposed to be dench, bruv, what's the matter with you? Terrible.

There you are! Beautiful.

Oh, thank goodness.

-Fats, the snake?

-Yeah, baby. Say hello to Monty! Oh, my... Fake snake, fake snake.

-What are you doing? Get it away!

-It's just the skin, all right!

-What's that supposed to mean?

-Means Monty is still on the loose.

Can you hold that?

Don't do that, man! That's not even funny!

I got to get this to the B&B, baby.

-No!

-Baby, baby, I got to, it's Dot. It's Dot, baby.

-Fats!

I'm worried about AJ - we've left him on his own.

-No, no, no, you can't go now, bruv.

-I reckon I've done my bit. Sorry, Pops.

-Do you know what, I need to get back to work as well.

-No, no, no! You're not going anywhere!

It's like they're a regular middle-class couple.

"Please take your shoes off at the door.

"Please put a coaster underneath that glass". It's funny.

Sorry - what is?

Syed and Christian.

Oh, right.

Is everything all right, Carol?

-Will you stop asking me that?

-I wasn't aware I had.

Have I, um... Have I done something wrong?

I'm just not feeling quite myself.

Do you want me to go?

I'm sorry. It's not you.

OK.

I'll be in touch.

That was quick. What happened?

I'm getting too old for this.

I'm going to go upstairs and have a lie down.

Are you serious about these proposals?

Generic nightclubs are stone age. We need a brand.

Something that sets us apart.

And turning it into some sort of tacky sex club, that's going to do that, is it?

Who said anything about tacky? You not heard of the pink pound?

We're not having this conversation. Let's just vote on it.

Well, now we know what you think. What about you, Sharon?

You up for a little bit of metrosexual sophistication?

Or do you want a never ending chorus of "here we go, here we go"?

Well, I think she's got a point.

Very kind of you to put yourself out like this, Miss Fox.

Oh, I'm just giving back to the community, you know.

It's always a privilege to help out Mrs Branning here,

one of Walford's most respectable and, indeed, respected citizens.

-Amen to that.

-Amen, hallelujah.

-Well, if you need anything else, just ring the bell.

-BELL PINGS

What a charming woman.

Slice of sponge cake, vicar?

You're spoiling me, Mrs Branning.

May I tempt you, Miss Quinn?

No, I'm fine, thanks. And it's "Ms", if that's all right with you.

Meuhz? How do you spell that?

-M-S.

-That ain't a word, that's initials.

I mean of course, there's Mrs, that's initials,

but that stands for Mistress.

Eat up, Vicar. Do you want a fork?

When I told you about this before, you was dead against it, weren't ya?

I hadn't heard Janine's side of it. There's obviously a market for this sort of thing...

If you can do your night, I can do mine.

Or do we just cancel both of them?

Unbelievable.

Don't think I don't know what you're doing.

And you, you've fallen for it, ain't you?

I thought better of you.

-Did you see his face!

-You were never going to do this, were you?

-No! For now.

But I think we might have heard the last of "Gettin' 'Ammered".

Busy?

Only I hear you have a motor for sale.

And I know a guy who just might be interested.

If we're to push these changes through,

we all need to be singing from the same hymn sheet, so to speak.

But they ain't proper hymns, are they?

Not since the organ give up the ghost. That's what we ought to be doing, Vicar -

getting up a fund for the organ, so's we can have

proper hymns, not all these twanging banjos and rattling tambourines.

Next thing you know, we'll be having a knees-up.

Mrs Branning, that isn't really what...

Well, I liked it how it was. And I ain't the only one.

-Of course...

-Yes, well, why all the changes then?

I mean, the organ's gone, why get rid of the pulpit?

Not literally.

Well, "Ms" here said

"Sermons will be shared from the body of the church."

But you don't share a sermon, I mean, the vicar, he gives a sermon.

What Miranda is saying, and I've come to agree with her,

is that pulpits, by their very nature, are hierarchical.

Hierar... Oh, you mean higher up the ladder?

It's a concept that's outlived its usefulness.

No it ain't. I mean, the vicar, he's higher up the ladder.

Because he is the teacher, he's like Jesus - you know, Jesus what

taught the multitudes - that is Matthew, chapter five, verse one.

So that is why a pulpit is higher up, so's we can look up to him.

Mrs Branning, while I respect your point of view,

-we're actually here to discuss the role of church warden...

-That's by the by.

I mean, what we ought to be doing, Vicar, is reaching out to the young.

I mean, them poor souls who's never heard the words of Jesus? Not like we did.

We learned at school from scripture and prayers and Sunday school.

I mean, people say, they say, "Oh let them choose when they're older".

Well, how can they choose when they don't know nothing about it?

It's barmy.

-Are we OK for tea?

-Quite OK, thank you.

While I'm here, can I give you a few of these?

You might want to pass it around your flock on Sunday.

No quicker route to spiritual peace than a full body massage.

And you'll notice there's a 20% discount for pensioners on a Thursday...

Thank you. Very kind.

-You're welcome.

-DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, 'scuse me.

Are you all right, Miranda?

I don't know. I think I might be sitting on something.

If we switch it on, we might find out whose it is.

Oh - that's Jenna's. Thank you.

Yes, she was looking for that earlier.

Only she's got a client in at the moment. I'll just leave that there.

So are you sure there's nothing I can get you?

Quite sure, thank you.

Bless you.

You were saying, Mrs Branning?

Well, I think I'm wasting me time.

I mean, all them poor souls swimming in a sea of iniquity

and all you're worried about is getting "modern". "With it".

Mrs Branning, please don't go. We're here to listen.

Let's hear some of your ideas. Please.

But I don't thing I've got the right words, Vicar.

I mean, am I allowed, Ms, to say "Holy"?

Am I allowed to say "Sanctified"? "Morality"?

I mean, all you're thinking about is shifting the furniture.

Oh, Alice! You are a lovely person.

-I have had a WONDERFUL morning.

-Really?

-Yes, and I want to celebrate!

How can I do that when we don't have alcohol? Ah, yes!

Chocolate. How's the little one?

Yeah, she's good. I've just put her down.

Come on. Let's have a girly catch-up.

-Why are you so happy?

-I'm always happy when I've triumphed. What have you been up to?

Not a lot. Um... I did bump into Michael earlier, though...

Oh, please. Stop right there. Don't even mention his name.

Don't ruin the moment. Have a chocolate.

Utterly delicious.

That's mine.

Honestly Ab, if there was any way I could've sold that motor on,

I would have made him a decent offer, but I'm running a business, not a charity.

Tell you what I'll do. If you get good results in your exams,

I might even pay for that holiday myself.

-Yeah? Happy? Sorted. I'll see you later.

-See ya.

Have I done something? Has she met someone else?

-Have I turned into Godzilla?

-Bruv...

-What?

-One thing you're forgetting.

-What's that?

-She's a woman.

-Oh, that's it, is it?

It's like werewolves. Once a month they go mad. Simples.

All right? Saw your dad just now.

He told you, didn't he?

How did the exam go?

Fine.

You're disappointed about the holiday?

Don't be.

Cos I've only gone and sold the flamin' car, ain't I, eh!

But what you're failing to acknowledge, Mrs Branning,

is that the standards of morality evolve over time...

Yes, for the worse.

I mean, I take my morality from the Bible.

In there, there's right and there's wrong.

What you're saying is, "I know better than God."

-Not at all.

-Perhaps if Mrs Branning could tell us

how she would exactly implement some of her ideas.

Well, for a start...

there's this here. Look.

Prostitutes. Thousands of 'em.

Openly advertising their wares in what was once a respectable newspaper.

This is hardly new.

They don't call it the oldest profession for nothing...

That's men for you, and you a man of the cloth.

We should be reaching out to these poor souls.

Bringing them to Jesus. For hope and salvation.

-All you're worried about is your pulpit.

-Yes, but how to go about it...

Well, they've got their phone numbers here.

We could phone one of them? Give that here...

I'm not entirely sure that's such a good idea.

Men talk, women do. Give it here.

Ta. Cheers.

DIALS NUMBER

PHONE RINGS IN ROOM

Just thought you might like some sandwiches.

PHONE STILL RINGING

I did try. She just doesn't want your name mentioned in the house.

But she was buzzing, you say?

-Yeah, I've never seen her so hyper.

-I have. These moods don't last.

She'll soon revert to her grotesque self.

-And that's when you try again.

-Michael...

No. No arguments. We're in a good place now.

You get her to open up. See if she really likes me.

As God is my witness, I had no idea...

Let's not bring God into this.

Jenna! Get down here!

There has to be an explanation.

She told me she was a student.

She was studying for a PF...E... or something like that.

So when you say you offer a massage service, what you really mean is...

-She's running a brothel. That's what she's saying.

-No!

I've never been so humiliated in my life.

-No, honestly.

-I am not staying a minute longer.

I shall pay you for the tea and the phone call...

-But Mrs Branning...

-No, I shall feel the taint.

You wanted something?

Jenna, what are you wearing?

OH!!

It's that snake! Bobby's snake!

Get rid of it! Get rid of it!

Why won't you tell me who you sold the car to?

Cos it's not important.

Jay, you're a useless liar. What aren't you telling me?

All right, but you must never, ever tell Dexter, all right?

-What?

-Promise me?

-I guess.

I sold the car to his dad.

I thought he hated his dad.

He does. Which is why you must never tell him.

Thing is, his dad is selling it on to a mate. Which is why Dexter'll never know.

-Jay!

-Do you want to go on this holiday or not?

I just hate lying.

So pretend I never told you then, love.

-All right? How's the snake hunting going?

-I can't find it.

Well, cheer up... cos I've only gone and sold the car, ain't I!

Punter came in, saw the ad and gave us cash.

-Wait, how much?

-Only a grand. We're going on holiday!

Yes! Yes!