08/01/2014 EastEnders


08/01/2014

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SHE SIGHS

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I am in need of a coffee. You all right?

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You all right?

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You've got to be kidding me? What, is she upstairs right now?

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Well, unless she walked back to the B&B in her bare feet.

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Her shoes are in the living room.

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SHE SCOFFS

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No, please do not say anything, though, Lauren.

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I can't face a row.

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And he accuses me of being immature!

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Wow. One of the nicest ones you've bought, Dad. Congratulations(!)

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-Did I not say?

-Yes, you did, yeah.

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-Say what?

-That you'd come out with something cynical.

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I wonder if my last bridesmaid's dress will still fit?

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Eh, who says you're even invited?

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Anyway, it's not that big a deal.

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Just think of it as our last desperate stab

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at some sort of respectability.

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-When's the engagement party?

-Who said we're having a party?

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Actually that's not a bad idea, Lucy. I think we should do that.

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I'm going to call Mick, see if we can book the Vic.

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How much is that going to cost?

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I'm off to work.

0:01:260:01:28

You know, I am actually pleased.

0:01:290:01:32

Out of all my mums, you're definitely...

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in the top three.

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Well, you're my third favourite daughter, so that makes us quits.

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See ya.

0:01:410:01:42

Aw, hello, you! Who's a beautiful boy?

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It's a girl.

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-Oh, sorry. Don't take it personally.

-She clearly likes you.

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Normally she's very choosy about who she licks.

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-Aren't you?

-Yeah, well, I'll take that as a compliment.

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-What's going on here?

-He's just given me a flyer.

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Looks more camp than the Girl Guides, if you ask me.

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-SHE GASPS

-Looks well exciting!

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Really? Not really my cup of tea.

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Anyway, I'll see you. Bye-bye, girl.

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Excuse me, can I have a couple of them flyers?

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Course you can, darling, there you go.

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Nah, that's all right, mate. No, no, it is what it is.

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All right, see you later.

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Lauren, I've got a favour to ask you.

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David's just called, he's got to slope off.

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I've got to go to a car auction, so I need

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someone to keep an eye on the car lot, if that's all right?

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Is that all right?

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-I like your jacket.

-Lauren, don't.

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The colour's a little bit dated, but whatever.

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No, that's all right. Go on, Lauren.

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You got something to say, Lauren, just say it.

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-Guys, do we have to...?

-When were you going to tell us, then, eh?

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Probably about the same time you were going to tell me about Mum's new fella.

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Yeah, and don't pretend you don't know, cos I saw Jane. She told me.

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Hiya. Any of you two got a hairdryer you can lend me?

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-Sure.

-Lauren's got a problem with you staying over last night.

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-Dad! I didn't say that.

-No big deal, is it?

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Geezer sleeps with his lawfully-wedded wife?

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You going to watch the car lot for me or not?

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I'll get you that hairdryer.

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-How did you know?!

-So I'm right then?

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-No, how did you know?

-Call it male intuition.

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Seriously, did we say anything?

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Didn't have to. You were so shocked, and not upset.

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Well, not in that way. So I put two and two together...

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Well, I got two.

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Thanks. But don't go spreading it around, will you?

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-No, 'course not.

-You're all right, you are.

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-Tell madam that.

-She still saying no?

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I'm playing the long game. Slowly slowly catchy monkey.

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SHE LAUGHS What time do you call this?

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What's that you've just give her?

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-I didn't.

-Yes, you did, I just saw you!

-I didn't.

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Look, forget that. He wants to take you out, but he's too scared.

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-I never said that!

-Where to, where to?

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I dunno. Round mine if you like?

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-I got a new telly.

-I've got me own telly!

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I'll work on her.

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Mmm.

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-Here you go.

-Thanks, Abi.

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I'll put it back in your bedroom soon as I've finished with it.

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-Yeah, well, I'm going to go. So I'll see you later.

-OK.

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-See you later, Abs.

-See ya.

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SHE SIGHS

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This is where we say, "Alone at last."

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Actually, I've got all these e-mails to catch up on.

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Come on, we can go back upstairs.

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And this time we can make as much noise as we like.

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You know you want to.

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Actually, I need to get to work.

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You need to dry your hair, don't you?

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See ya.

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He's a nice bloke, what's the matter with her?

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I gave up a long time ago trying to work out why

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Bianca's the way she is.

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-Two quid, please.

-There you are.

-Cheers.

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So he's got a bit of baggage, like she ain't.

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More baggage than a jumbo jet, that girl.

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Can't you say something to her?

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Anything I suggest, she does the exact opposite.

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-So suggest the exact opposite. See ya later.

-See ya later.

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-Can I have a coffee, please?

-All right, darling.

-Takeaway.

-OK.

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You all right?

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Clearly not.

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Look, Lauren...

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I know we're not together, but if you're upset...

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You up for it?

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-No.

-Oh, come on, it's free entry and half-price drinks till ten.

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-Shirl's going, aren't you, Shirl?

-I'm going to wear my sparkly tights.

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-See, how can you say no after that?

-Not really my thing.

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Well, he used to say the same thing about milk when he was a little boy. Look at him now.

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Nance, you have a word, he listens to you.

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-I'm staying out of it.

-And so should you. Will you tell 'em, Mick?

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-No, I'm with Nance.

-Just leave him alone!

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Sorry, Linda, I don't understand. What's the problem?

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"Since when was it such a big deal for a man to sleep

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"with his lawfully-wedded wife?"

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-HE LAUGHS

-Is that what he said?

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And I'm like, "How has he got the nerve?"

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-So what did you say?

-Nothing.

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It was only going to cause another argument, weren't it?

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What you've got to understand is...

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Can you not try and defend him, please?

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I'm not saying he's not been an idiot.

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But I put myself in his shoes, and I can see why.

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He's just found out your mum's got a new bloke.

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That's a massive kick in the teeth.

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He's lonely, he's upset...

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Me and you would've reached for the bottle.

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He's reached for her. What's the difference?

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I miss you.

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Don't do this, Jake. We agreed.

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Do you miss me?

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HE SIGHS DEEPLY

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You can say no if you want to...

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..but I've got the house to myself tonight.

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Sadie's taking Bella to a swimming gala.

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She won't be back till around ten.

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-Lauren?

-How can I slag him off for it and then go

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and do exactly the same thing?

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-It's just, every time I see you...

-I said DON'T.

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Best we avoid each other completely from now on then, yeah?

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-I've been thinking about our engagement party.

-Yeah?

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I think we should have it at Scarlett's.

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Scarlett's is too posh, Ian. People will feel uncomfortable.

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But it's my place, OK? We can do what we want,

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-have it as informal as we like.

-But I've already booked the Vic.

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Already?

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-I thought you wanted to make me happy?

-I do.

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Well, what's going to make me happy

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is having our engagement party at the Vic.

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-All right?

-All right. Fine. Whatever.

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See you in a bit.

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What do you want?

0:08:180:08:20

Have I got that right? You're actually marrying him?

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You've really gone and done it now, innit?

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-Done what?

-Turned yourself into more of a challenge.

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You all right to do a shift in the pub tonight?

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Only Tracey wants the night off.

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Shirley and Tina are still trying to get me out to this club.

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And what have you said?

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You know...

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I just wish everybody would back off.

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Mick? Mick?

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Here, you'll like this. I've had that Denise on the phone.

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She's getting married to Ian.

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Guess who they've asked to lay on the engagement party?

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-You need to have a word with Shirley and Tina.

-Why?

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They're ganging up on Johnny, trying to

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get him to go to this club opening tonight.

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So?

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You do realise what kind of club it is? Don't walk away

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-from me when I'm talking to you.

-We're out of scratchings.

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He's vulnerable, and the last thing he needs is

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-those two shoving their noses in.

-How come's the back door's open?

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-I was taking out the recycling.

-Where's Lady Di?

-What?

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She was down here, and you've left the back door open?

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SHE EXHALES

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'3.99, please.'

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Probably disgusting, but it's only for cooking.

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Never had you down as MasterChef.

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Yeah, well, I'm not, but I'm making an effort.

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-Me and Max are back together.

-Oh, really?

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How many times does that make it now?

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# Love is in the air... #

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Oi, you, you either buy something or you get out.

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I'm window-shopping. Checking out the merchandise.

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I thought I'd made it absolutely clear to you -

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-this one ain't for sale.

-But I can look, can't I?

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-Everything all right, D?

-Yeah, yeah, I've got it handled, Fats.

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-You sure? Cos I can...

-I don't do damsel in distress.

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So knights in shining armour need not apply.

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Right. You've got till I count to three.

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-Mmm.

-One...

-And then what?

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..two...

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-I like bossy, it turns me on.

-..three!

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-So come on. Do your worst.

-LADY DI BARKS

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-Hey, hey, hey.

-What you doing?!

0:10:200:10:23

Aww, who's a beautiful girl?

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I got bitten when I was a kid! I can't deal with that.

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-See him? That fella over there?

-Seriously.

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Oh, don't be so ridiculous. She's a lovely dog. Ain't you, girl?

0:10:310:10:35

Huh? Only being friendly.

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Ugh, Lady Di!

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LADY DI PANTS

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-What you doing here?

-Can go where I want.

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Nancy don't want nothing to do with you, so what are you doing here?

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-It's a shop. I'm shopping.

-Only he's not.

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Sorry about this.

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Oh, no, don't worry about it, she's a sweetheart.

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I'll make sure it don't happen again.

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Come on, girl.

0:11:020:11:04

Ooh. Always did like a tough guy.

0:11:040:11:08

Yeah, I know all that, mate.

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Problem is my business partner's indisposed,

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-and I need someone to watch the shop, so...

-I can do it.

0:11:140:11:16

Hang on, mate.

0:11:180:11:20

-What?

-Like you asked me to.

0:11:210:11:23

-You serious?

-I'm here, aren't I?

0:11:240:11:26

Yes, mate. No, scrap all that. I can be there after all.

0:11:330:11:38

Yes, I'll be leaving in two minutes. All right. See you then, bye.

0:11:380:11:42

So what's brought this on?

0:11:460:11:47

Well, I'm sorry about this morning. Not for me to judge.

0:11:470:11:51

If Mum can do it, then so can you.

0:11:510:11:53

So what's he like, Mum's new fella?

0:11:560:11:58

What's she said about him?

0:11:590:12:01

Kat's been trying to twist me arm all morning to change me mind.

0:12:020:12:05

"Terry's so kind, Terry's so nice, Terry this, Terry that."

0:12:050:12:09

I'm getting sick of it.

0:12:090:12:11

Kat wants you to go out with a nice bloke?

0:12:110:12:13

What a cow.

0:12:130:12:15

Listen, I'm on your side. None of her business.

0:12:150:12:17

If you don't like him, you don't have to go out with him.

0:12:170:12:19

-I didn't say I didn't like him.

-What, are you telling me you do now?

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It's his ex-wife I don't like.

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Oh, I didn't realise, she's going to be there as well?

0:12:250:12:27

All right, I get it.

0:12:270:12:30

All Kat is saying that not all men are as nasty as...Tony.

0:12:300:12:33

Anyway...going round his flat, ain't exactly a date, is it?

0:12:360:12:40

Why would I want to go to a gay club, Danny?

0:12:420:12:44

I dunno. Because it'll be fun.

0:12:450:12:48

-Yeah, for you.

-And for you.

0:12:480:12:51

So you're telling me that there'll be no ogling whatsoever?

0:12:510:12:56

Who said anything about ogling?

0:12:560:12:58

Fine.

0:12:590:13:00

Well, if you want to go, you can go - have a great time -

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I don't really want to be a part of it.

0:13:040:13:05

Thank you.

0:13:050:13:07

Yeah, all right. OK. On one condition.

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We don't talk about you-know-who.

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I'll see you at half seven.

0:13:160:13:18

He said he's cooking. Dunno what I'm letting meself in for.

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-There you go.

-Cheers.

0:13:320:13:34

-What's with the book?

-None of your business.

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-Is that the one Terry give you?

-Why do you care?

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None of your business either,

0:13:380:13:40

but I've decided to go round Terry's tonight after all.

0:13:400:13:42

Oh, yeah? What brought that on?

0:13:420:13:44

Just one condition - that we don't talk about Nikki.

0:13:440:13:46

Good for you. No, hold on. Give that...

0:13:460:13:49

-You are joking!

-Give it back. Shush!

0:13:490:13:51

Twins?! Aww, when did you find out?

0:13:510:13:55

Last week, but don't tell anyone, all right?

0:13:550:13:57

-Not till I'm past 12 weeks.

-I bet Alfie's over the moon! Aww!

0:13:570:14:01

-Shush!

-Oh, I promise I won't say nothing,

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-but just tell me everything!

-Shut up!

-Twins!

0:14:020:14:05

Have you seen a photo of him? This "Tim"?

0:14:070:14:10

Tim. What sort of name is that anyway?

0:14:120:14:14

-So when did she first mention him?

-Can't remember.

0:14:190:14:23

Lauren, it's fine, you don't have to

0:14:240:14:26

try and spare my feelings, I just want to know.

0:14:260:14:28

All right. Six weeks? Two months maybe?

0:14:280:14:31

So it's serious then?

0:14:330:14:34

Must be serious, if she said to you not to mention anything.

0:14:350:14:38

Well, it's good, Lauren. I'm...pleased for her. It's good.

0:14:390:14:43

Everyone's moving on. It's really great, so...

0:14:450:14:49

Right, I'd better make a move.

0:14:510:14:53

Listen, I had a couple of sniffs earlier.

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So if they come back, get all their details, tell 'em I'll get straight

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back to 'em. But no haggling, all right? Leave that to me.

0:14:580:15:02

-All right, I'll see you later.

-Dad...

0:15:030:15:05

Yeah?

0:15:050:15:07

You are allowed to be unhappy, you know.

0:15:070:15:09

Who said I am?

0:15:120:15:13

See you later.

0:15:160:15:17

That shirt don't look right.

0:15:230:15:24

-Ain't you got nothing tighter?

-No!

0:15:260:15:27

Yes, you have, that one with the V neck.

0:15:270:15:29

-Why can't I just wear what I want to wear?

-Sorry?!

0:15:290:15:31

He just don't get it, does he? Typical man.

0:15:310:15:34

Maybe he needs, like, some gel in his hair or something?

0:15:340:15:36

Look - I've agreed to go, ain't I?

0:15:360:15:39

-Can you all just back off!

-What do you think you're doing?

0:15:390:15:42

Getting Johnny ready for his big night.

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-He's working in the pub, and he knows that. Don't you, Johnny?

-Yup.

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HE SIGHS

0:15:480:15:49

CHILDREN CHATTER

0:15:540:15:56

Mum, do you like this dress?

0:16:040:16:06

Got to take it back to the stall tomorrow.

0:16:060:16:10

You never told me what Kat said

0:16:100:16:11

when you told her that you'd changed your mind?

0:16:110:16:14

-Bianca?

-I got a secret.

0:16:150:16:17

Swear you won't say nothing, promise?

0:16:170:16:19

-What? To do with Terry?

-Nothing to do with Terry.

0:16:190:16:22

-Kat's pregnant.

-(What?!)

0:16:220:16:23

That's not the big news. She's only expecting twins!

0:16:230:16:25

But I didn't tell you, so please, promise, swear you won't say nothing?

0:16:250:16:29

-No, no, how long has she known?

-End of conversation! What do you think?

0:16:290:16:32

I think it looks gorgeous, yeah. I am so pleased you

0:16:320:16:34

and Terry are getting back together and sorting out your problems.

0:16:340:16:37

-Well...

-But, listen, just one thing that needs to finish that off.

0:16:370:16:41

Hang on a minute...

0:16:410:16:42

-Where's Dad?

-He's not home yet.

0:16:450:16:47

He's going to be well happy. Guess what?

0:16:470:16:49

I've only gone and sold two cars at sticker price!

0:16:490:16:51

-Aw, well done.

-When did she move all that in?

0:16:510:16:53

< Is that you, Lauren?

0:16:530:16:55

Yeah.

0:16:560:16:57

-Blimey.

-Since it's my first proper night back, thought I'd mark it.

0:17:020:17:06

I hope you're both hungry.

0:17:070:17:08

"Press OK on the remote control for the autotune to start..."

0:17:100:17:13

Well, I've done that!

0:17:130:17:14

I've done that.

0:17:170:17:18

TOP GEAR PLAYS ON TV

0:17:180:17:19

BUZZER RINGS

0:17:210:17:23

BUZZER CONTINUES

0:17:350:17:37

Yeah, I'm coming!

0:17:370:17:39

So you're married to her?

0:17:390:17:40

Yeah. Mick, mate, don't worry about it, it's a long story.

0:17:400:17:44

Surely it's a good thing you're back with her, no?

0:17:440:17:46

You want the truth? I only married her

0:17:480:17:49

cos I was lonely, and she was there.

0:17:490:17:51

-Stupidest thing I've ever done.

-So what are you doing back with her?

0:17:510:17:54

Yeah. That's the question. See you later.

0:17:540:17:57

-I like your earrings.

-Oh, thanks. They were me nan's.

0:17:590:18:02

-Me mum dug 'em out for me.

-They look fantastic.

0:18:020:18:05

You look fantastic, really.

0:18:050:18:07

ENGINES REV ON TV

0:18:070:18:08

What're you watching?

0:18:100:18:11

I wasn't really watching anything, to be honest.

0:18:110:18:14

I was just, eh, trying it out.

0:18:140:18:16

-Where's the kids?

-They're staying over at, um...

0:18:190:18:22

Oh. She who must not be named.

0:18:220:18:24

-So, do you like it?

-Yeah, it's really nice.

0:18:250:18:27

-The telly.

-Oh. Well, yeah, it's a telly.

0:18:290:18:35

Nice. What do you want me to say?

0:18:350:18:36

It'll be brilliant when I've worked it all out,

0:18:360:18:38

cos you can record on it and everything. Only thing is

0:18:380:18:41

you need a degree in computers to work out the remote.

0:18:410:18:43

Agh.

0:18:430:18:44

Shall I get the wine?

0:18:480:18:50

-So, do we invite Winston?

-He'll just invite himself, won't he?

0:18:550:18:59

Make sure they all know it's only the first drink that's free.

0:18:590:19:02

-I had a thought...

-Do be careful, Ian.

0:19:020:19:04

No. About Scarlett's...

0:19:040:19:06

What do you think of the name "Scarlett's"?

0:19:060:19:09

It's all right.

0:19:090:19:10

I was thinking about renaming it to...

0:19:100:19:13

I dunno, "Turpin's". On account of it being on Turpin Road.

0:19:130:19:15

Yes, I do get the idea, Ian.

0:19:150:19:17

Thought it would give it a highwayman feel.

0:19:170:19:19

Well, prices are daylight robbery.

0:19:190:19:22

What about Tracey?

0:19:220:19:24

We're going now, Johnny.

0:19:270:19:28

Why don't you come with us if you like?

0:19:280:19:30

-Don't worry about your mother. I'll deal with her.

-Just go. Please.

0:19:300:19:33

Linda. There is one good thing to come out of all this.

0:19:360:19:40

All what?

0:19:400:19:42

Having a gay son. You'll be able to go shopping together.

0:19:420:19:46

You ever try anything like that again,

0:19:460:19:48

I'll take them sparkly tights of yours

0:19:480:19:50

and wrap 'em round your throat.

0:19:500:19:52

Are we clear?

0:19:520:19:53

I never had you down as a Take That fan.

0:19:580:19:59

-I'm not.

-Never went for 'em meself.

0:20:010:20:03

All them girls wetting their knickers over 'em. Don't get it.

0:20:030:20:05

Bit sad really.

0:20:050:20:07

Oh, look, you've got a scratch on your telly.

0:20:070:20:10

So?

0:20:100:20:11

So, take it back to the shop!

0:20:120:20:14

I didn't get it from a shop.

0:20:150:20:17

So where did you get it?

0:20:180:20:19

Two more minutes and I think we're there, you know.

0:20:190:20:21

RAIN PATTERS ON WINDOW

0:20:210:20:22

-Mmm, smells good.

-So tuck in!

0:20:240:20:27

Mmm. Didn't know you could cook.

0:20:270:20:29

I can't really, but it's simpler than it looks.

0:20:290:20:31

So, erm...how was the auction, sweetheart?

0:20:360:20:39

Yeah, it was all right, thanks.

0:20:420:20:44

Never guess what, Dad? I've only gone and sold two cars today.

0:20:480:20:53

HE GROANS

0:20:540:20:55

What was the last thing I said to you, Lauren?

0:20:550:20:57

I sold them at sticker price.

0:20:570:20:59

Well, that's not the point.

0:20:590:21:01

If I tell you not to do something, Lauren,

0:21:010:21:02

-I don't want you to do it.

-But surely if she

0:21:020:21:04

-got the sticker price?

-Was I talking to you?

0:21:040:21:06

What is this anyway?

0:21:120:21:13

Chicken chasseur.

0:21:130:21:15

"Chicken chasseur." What is chicken chasseur?

0:21:160:21:19

Chicken in white wine.

0:21:190:21:20

MAX SIGHS

0:21:200:21:22

Don't eat it, Lauren.

0:21:220:21:23

-It's no big deal.

-No, she's got an alcohol problem, and you're

0:21:250:21:27

cooking her chicken in white wine?!

0:21:270:21:29

What are you, brain of Britain?

0:21:290:21:31

-The alcohol evaporates.

-It don't evaporate!

0:21:310:21:33

You talking about, "evaporate"? I can smell it!

0:21:330:21:35

-Dad, please.

-Take it away, Kirsty, please.

0:21:350:21:39

We'll have something else, beans on toast or something.

0:21:390:21:41

Max, I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking...

0:21:410:21:44

I just want you to take the dinner away.

0:21:440:21:46

Can you just take the...?

0:21:490:21:50

Take the dinner away!

0:21:500:21:52

PLATE SMASHES

0:21:520:21:53

Know what, Kirsty? I think you should leave.

0:21:580:22:00

So if you didn't get the telly from a shop, where did you get it?

0:22:050:22:09

Can't we just enjoy the food?

0:22:090:22:11

Don't you like it? It's me speciality.

0:22:140:22:16

-Used to cook it for her, did you?

-Oh, come on, Bianca, this is daft.

0:22:180:22:21

Where did you get the telly?

0:22:230:22:24

Why does it matter where

0:22:240:22:25

-I got a flipping telly?

-Did she give it you?

0:22:250:22:27

HE SIGHS

0:22:290:22:30

All right. She was upgrading to a 3D....

0:22:300:22:34

What?!

0:22:340:22:35

It's just a telly!

0:22:350:22:37

Well, you might like castoffs, but I don't!

0:22:380:22:41

What?!

0:22:410:22:42

Get me coat.

0:22:430:22:45

Go on, Kirsty. Get lost.

0:22:570:23:00

I didn't invite you round last night cos I wanted you...

0:23:000:23:03

I felt sorry for myself! I'll get myself a hooker next time.

0:23:030:23:07

DOG BARKS

0:23:110:23:13

Bianca! Bianca!

0:23:190:23:22

Go and play with your ex-wife's telly.

0:23:220:23:25

All right, I will!

0:23:250:23:26

Suppose we should get this cleaned up.

0:23:330:23:35

-I'll get a cloth.

-No, don't.

0:23:350:23:37

It's his mess, he can clear it up.

0:23:370:23:39

What's the matter with you, Lauren?

0:23:390:23:41

Don't start pretending you liked her all of a sudden.

0:23:410:23:45

So all that was for my benefit, was it?

0:23:450:23:47

Where you going? Lauren?

0:23:520:23:56

If we invite Mo, that means we end up with Fat Elvis and Chinese Dave

0:23:560:24:00

and every other lowlife Walford wants to bring along.

0:24:000:24:03

OK, Ian, so you're saying we invite Kat and Alfie, but not Mo.

0:24:030:24:05

-Yeah.

-But they live in the same house, Ian,

0:24:050:24:07

so how does that work out?

0:24:070:24:09

Do you mind not leaning against my gate?

0:24:120:24:14

What you going to do, clamp me?

0:24:140:24:16

I'd like you to move.

0:24:160:24:17

Cool. No problem.

0:24:200:24:21

See ya later, Denise.

0:24:230:24:24

Do you know that guy?

0:24:280:24:29

Oh, he must come in the shop or...

0:24:290:24:31

-How does he know your name?

-I don't know!

0:24:330:24:36

Where is it?

0:24:490:24:50

HE SIGHS

0:24:520:24:54

SHE KNOCKS ON DOOR

0:25:130:25:14

You still on your own?

0:25:200:25:22

Can I come in?

0:25:250:25:26

Oh, congratulations!

0:25:490:25:52

What for?

0:25:520:25:53

"What for?", she says! You're only getting married!

0:25:530:25:56

Who told you?

0:25:560:25:57

You did. You and Ian were talking about your engagement party.

0:25:590:26:03

Which Fats still hasn't got an invite to.

0:26:030:26:05

Come on, of course you're invited.

0:26:070:26:09

Anyway, right now I'm a little bit

0:26:100:26:12

more concerned about a lost earring.

0:26:120:26:15

Look, do you mean this one?

0:26:150:26:17

Oh. What an idiot.

0:26:190:26:21

An idiot for losing the earring? Or for marrying Ian?

0:26:230:26:26

Sorry.

0:26:290:26:30

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