31/01/2014 EastEnders

-There goes the neighbourhood.

-Back to your corners, please girls.

-Is that straight?

-It's the only thing up there that is!

-THEY LAUGH

Me and my sister. Side by side.

-I'll give it a month.

-Wow. Really(?)

You going to get this market cleaned up?

Some of us have got a business to run.

-Good luck.

-Thanks.

Oh, by the way, that meat, it weren't dodgy, it was lamb.

-I shouldn't have accused you, so I'm sorry.

-It's all right.

If it was still my pub, I'd have done the same. Cardboard, classy!

THEY LAUGH

You going to stand there all day?! We've got a big night!

Best make the most of it. Before Shirley hits an iceberg.

-Why don't you...

-Whoa, whoa, whoa.

-Dad! Dad, I was going to ask you...

-DOOR SLAMS

No, it's just the final checks before the chemo.

-She's worried about you.

-Yeah, and I really appreciate it.

So why can't I come with you, then?

Cos I can still manage the bus on my own.

Thanks for staying, Sonia.

My pleasure, David. If Martin can't manage for one night...

All right, see you later, darling.

-Did you tell them what's happening?

-No, I need to know more first.

-You know, they might not have to do the gene test...

-Oh.

Listen, why don't you take me somewhere nice later?

Just you and me, no interruptions. No passports.

-No exes?

-Yeah, that'd be great. Just before I start the chemo.

Yeah. Yeah, lovely.

Right, I've bleached the loo so...

Have you got something to tell me?

So while you're not working...

Yeah, well, it's just a suspension.

Yeah, I know, but we need all the money we can get.

I mean, I don't think Fatboy's going

-to put my uni fund back in a hurry.

-Listen, Tam I... Listen...

Market sweeper's off sick.

-One reason.

-Oh, come on, Lucy.

-Give me one reason why I shouldn't tell him!

-Poppy's just angry!

You and Fatboy!

-SHE LAUGHS

-It was just a kiss.

-SHE SCOFFS

-Well, that makes it fine, then(!)

No, it doesn't make it fine. Oh, please, please.

Don't, don't, Lucy. Please. It was JUST a kiss.

All right, I won't tell him.

OK.

Because YOU will.

Karaoke tonight, darling? Bet you've got some soul in you!

-Yeah, I'll come down and see what's going on.

-Will you, yeah?

I've got to cash in that drink you owe me, remember.

-Oh, half a lemonade, innit?

-Shut up you, I'll see you later!

Me and my soul!

-Yo. Tam the man!

-Don't.

-Come on, man, please?

You've missed a bit.

-Oh, look, here he comes. Robert Redford.

-THEY LAUGH

Pitch fees. On time for once.

-Maybe we can pay you in kind?

-Cash.

Urgh! He'd suffocate you with his aftershave! Give you an 'eadache.

Aye, aye, what's happened to your post round?

Day off. Tam needed help.

-It's family, you know.

-Colour's better on you.

What do you think you're doing?

They're offering to test my genes.

Just to see if the cancer's genetic.

That's where you were dashing off to?

You have to tell us, Mum. We're in this together.

It's most likely about your age. No offence.

I know, but what if it's not? What if it's positive?

And if I am a carrier? And if you and Bianca...?

And Tiff, and Rebecca...

Mum, that's a big lot of "if"s.

We're not going to blame you, are we?!

SONIA SIGHS

Look if you are... if we are, we deal with it.

If I am,

it's more likely I'm going to get it in my other breast.

-And even in my ovaries.

-It might not be genetic at all.

You have to do what you want to do. You take the test.

What's B say?

The chances are tiny. Tiny, Mum.

But you need to...

-Go on. Rebecca'll be missing you.

-I doubt that.

Sonia. I love you...

Don't.

-She's back in the kitchen! Making a buffet!

-Right!

Moan jar. 50 pence.

What you talking about a moan jar?! I'm just saying!

We've only just got rid of Environmental Health.

Who's going to listen to my big number

if they're stuck in the loo all night?!

-Chargrilled.

-I don't think so.

-It's fashionable!

-Don't bark, do they?

-I tell you what - why don't you have one?

And I hope you choke on it.

-Crack on, girls. By the end of today I'll be a millionaire.

-You've got your name above the door.

Your backside behind my bar. You want my karaoke machine an' all?

-You didn't even find the pub, you lazy cow!

-You going to let her talk to me like that?!

A CAR BANGS AND RATTLES OUTSIDE I'm going to buy a paddling pool,

I'm going to fill it with mud and I'm going to sell tickets!

-After everything I've done for you.

-So you could buy into my dream!

Your dream?! The one that's full of rising damp, like your head!

Bet they can hear the two of you half a mile away!

-It's like two cats mating in a rusty blender.

-Aunt Babe!

Aunt Babe?

Trifle?

I suppose he's had an interview? Got experience? A CV?

We needed a cleaner. It's just for one day.

There ARE procedures, Tamwar.

And then there's family.

-Thank you.

-But just for one day. Half pay, yeah.

Oh, get me a coffee, will you?

Yeah. 50 sugars?

Got little Tina's call yesterday,

so I thought I'd pootle on up and see what all the fuss was about.

Aunt Babe, did you say Tina called you?

No, she got in touch by carrier pigeon.

Used to have three dozen pigeons on your grandfather's roof, you know?

Raced them, he did. Made a lovely pie.

SHE LAUGHS

-Johnny, I take it?

-Er, yeah.

Five pounds in a card every birthday,

never get a thank you note. That'll be your mother's manners.

-So am I going to hold this trifle all day?

-Sorry, Aunt Babe.

Mostly it's sherry, and that's from a few Christmases back.

-You must be Nancy.

-I can't believe you're Aunt Babe!

Could never get your father into shorts.

Someone having a wake?!

No, it's a celebration. Linda, she's having a karaoke.

-Is that your Robin Reliant?

-It's a Rialto, young man.

Always been a bit of a petrol head.

Well, this is kismet, isn't it?

We can put the trifle in the middle and...er...

Kitchen through here?

Nah, I was rude to her yesterday. I shouldn't have called her a child.

-Wait, are you saying she told him?

-No, no, no, he doesn't know yet.

It's just, OK, Lucy found the letter...

And I was stuck at work, so I thought if...

if I talked to Poppy, then Poppy could talk to Lucy, we can...

No, no, no, Poppy ain't here.

-SHE SIGHS

-OK, when's she back home?

She's not coming home. She's back in Hemel. Me and her split.

Thanks for doing my hair. Night out, make the most of it.

While I've still got it.

BIANCA TUTS Shhh, Mum.

I've not been completely honest about this appointment.

-I thought I saw you. Back already?

-Yeah. Yeah, we never went, did we?

-Don't ask. How are you?

-There's nice new motors outside.

You want to check out the back seats?

The back seats are fine, Nikki. Take my word for it.

Offer's there. Test the springs.

-All right, Max?

-Not too bad.

I was going to take Carol out later. Somewhere really special.

-Oh, yeah?

-Splash the cash.

It's funny, when Tanya was sick, the last thing she wanted was a fuss.

Well, you know what women are like. When they say they don't want fuss,

they usually mean the opposite.

Right, and when a bloke says an expensive meal...

he's feeling guilty.

So if you have got this gene thing?

Yeah, well, Sonia says the chances are really low.

No offence, Mum, but she spends most

of her days wiping old people's bums.

She's hardly a cancer specialist, is she?

My mum got breast cancer twice. The first time in her thirties

and the second time, she died 11 days after finding out.

Yes, but they've caught yours early.

Yeah, and both my aunts died of breast cancer as well.

It ain't likely, is it?

You know, if I have this test, WHEN I have this test...

You know, and if I am, you know... and it is a big if...

-Yeah, what?

-Well, if you wanted to, you could go and get tested as well.

You know, You. Sonia. Robbie.

-Max.

-Max?!

Yeah, well, if I've got it,

there's fifty-fifty he might as well.

You know, which means Abi, Lauren, Oscar. Rebecca. Morgan.

-Liam.

-Tiffany?

Yeah.

Oh, look, made a right mess of that bit, haven't I?

Don't be silly. It's all right. It's going to look all right.

So what if they find out, you know, me and Sonia...?

Well, you know, there's things they can do.

They can watch you closely.

They can, you know, they can give you operations.

To reduce the risk of getting cancer.

You know, a mastectomy.

But the chances are really low...

I told you not to call her!

Well, I wanted her to see the pub. All of us together.

And after what you said... I just wanted to check she was OK.

My hearing's OK!

Shirley was talking about you after she went to see Dad.

Just knead it with your hand, boy.

Like you're getting her in the mood.

Yeah, that ain't really his thing, Aunt Babe.

That's more Tina's thing.

I think we'll make this into rolls.

You saw Stan?

I'm proud of you.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

Getting suspended from the Royal Mail,

maybe that was the wake-up call you needed.

Come on, we'll be late.

-You look amazing.

-Thank you.

-Come on, then.

-Could we go the Vic?

You ARE joking? I've made a reservation. You said...

I told the girls. I thought about what you said.

The family needs me. Do you mind?

No, I don't, Carol. Whatever you want.

Go on, go and get them.

DOOR OPENS

Have you told him?

No.

No, no, because he's doing really well right now!

Really well.

Something like this, Lucy, it could just... it'll set him right back.

Well, maybe you shouldn't have played away.

SHE SIGHS HEAVILY

OK, if I tell him...

..he'll finish with me.

And you know what happened

the last time a woman he was engaged to

finished with him.

Lucy, I love him. And this was a mistake.

It was a big, stupid mistake.

And if I could turn the clock back, I would! But I can't!

But I promise you, though,

I promise you this,

it will never ever happen again.

Don't destroy what we've got. I love him.

Please.

If you ever, ever hurt him...

I won't.

I've got a shift at the restaurant. Two waitresses are off sick.

The... the letter?

I'll come and help you.

Bet these two hardly remember.

At the front, I think.

Everything you did for them.

When Sylvie... when your mum walked out.

Dad's still the same, you know.

Is he? Still banging on about how much she hurt him?

They were just kids! She left,

he drank. I thought I could stop them going into care...

You were only a child yourself. Couldn't just stand by, could I?

Let him let you down again.

All of you, here.

You're scared, aren't you?

-And why would I be scared?

-Scared you're going to walk out.

Like you feel you did when they were little.

Like you did on your own children.

Like your mother did on you.

I could always see through you, Shirley Carter.

Seeing your father... brought it all back, hasn't it?

Tina said Mick had a pub.

Never said you were running it together.

You made that happen. And don't you forget it.

So if you're going to walk... walk now, and don't look back.

And if you're not, then you protect those two with your life.

Trifle in the middle, I think.

Yeah.

So have you told him yet?

Stay out of my family's business.

You know what, I don't even know how you can look him in the eye.

THEY CHAT AND LAUGH

One, two. One, two.

GET OFF!

What do you say, Nance, you and me do a little number later on, yeah?

-She sings solo, don't you, babe?

-Dad!

-End of the bar.

It's like the Sahara up there. Please.

Two large G&Ts, large vodka orange, small whisky for me...

-and whatever you're having.

-Enforced virginity.

-You forgot the large white wine.

-I don't think I did, darling.

All right, Max?

All right, David. Yeah. Large whisky, please.

Large whisky for Max.

Is the whole circus in tonight?

-Whoa.

-Not getting dressed up tonight, then?

-My inside leg needs adjusting.

-Oh, Mick.

For your brother's sake, yeah?

Here you are, Strictly. Round your punters in.

Hello! Hello and welcome to the Carters' Karaoke night!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hey.

-Hi.

-So, what did Ian say?

-Ian doesn't know.

Listen, you and Poppy... I am so, so sorry.

That's all right, man, you know.

She wanted decking, I wanted decks, so...

Look, honey, I know that somewhere out there,

-there's the right girl for you.

-Yeah. What about you?

Me? I've got Ian.

Good.

# I had this perfect dream

# Un sueno me envolvio

# This dream was me and you

# Tal vez estas aqui

# I want all the world to see... #

-Fancy a duet later?

-You don't want to hear me warble.

-Come on, I scratched your back. Time...

-Ain't you got

-a plane to catch?

-I ain't going anywhere.

Hey! They're good, aren't they?

# Y ella nos unio... #

-Are they?

-Are you drinking again?

-Who's asking?

-Oi, just give it a break, Mas?

-Oh, Max, what, like she did with me?

A big, long, break.

Why don't you just be a good Muslim and go home?

Play nicely or I'll make you sing.

OK, you know what? I can't go home.

-Cos I haven't got my keys.

-Where are they?

My jacket. It's lime green and yellow. Very sexy.

-I'll go and get Tamwar.

-I'll come with you.

-She can manage.

-Stay here with you, then.

-Please don't.

-That's enough.

-Mas...

-All right! OK! All right!

Hey!

Carol, have a nice life.

All together now!

# Barcelona!

# Barcelona!

-D'you remember Mum?

-Only in photos.

D'you think she was like her?

SHE SINGS

Do me a favour.

SINGING CONTINUES

-No, she was different.

-In what way?

-D'you remember her well?

-In 37 years, I hardly...

She was a laugh. A right laugh.

# Barcelona!

# Barlcelonaaaaaa! #

Right, let's get this clear.

I'm with Carol, all right? I ain't interested in you.

So why are you here?

You can flutter your false eyelashes as much as you like...

Mum, look. Come on. Let's get some fresh air.

-Come and sit down here a minute.

-I'm all right.

Just get some fresh air, yeah?

I'm not coming to the pub just to rescue...

-Look, he's lost his keys and he's...

-Well, you know what?

If he ever bothers coming home, give him those.

Thank you.

-Promise me.

-Mum, we can talk about this later, yeah?

No, no, no. Promise me now, Bianca.

You know, you've been really brilliant so far.

And I really appreciate it.

But I just need to know, that both of you, right,

-can step up to the plate if...

-Please.

..anything happens to me.

Be there for, for Robbie and Sonia. And Max.

I mean, I know he's brave... And the little ones.

Mum, nothing's going to happen to you.

I know. It might not.

But we just need to be prepared.

We will be, we will... we'll hold it together, won't we?

-And David... you've got to look after David.

-He's a grown man.

I know he is... but don't just let him go off again.

Because when he's with us, when he's with the family,

he's... he's a different man.

A better man. Promise me, Bianca.

Promise me that you won't let your dad throw it away if I...

if I can't beat this cancer...

Because I've got to be honest. Because sometimes people aren't.

-SHE SOBS

-And I just, I just need to know.

GATE RATTLES

Carol, it ain't my business.

Listen, you can't say anything. cos the kids don't know yet.

-It's all right, Mum, she won't say nothing, will you?

-Good luck.

CAROL SIGHS

Why don't we just go and murder some ABBA?

Don't know what your grandpa would say. A lesbian in the family.

Don't know where I get it from?

Just because a woman wears sensible shoes.

Where you been? Stargazing?

-Hey? No, just a little bit of business.

-A whisky?

-Yes, please, Max.

-Get him a large one.

It's your round, innit?

All right? Sorry I'm late.

Abi ended up baby-sitting and I couldn't get Tommy to sleep.

You ain't the last. Terry's not here yet.

-What you having? One of those?

-Yeah, cheers.

That boy deserves better than you. Go on. Get out.

-I'm with my friends.

-You heard what she said. Go on...

You heard what she said?!

-Mas!

-All right, Mick!

-You're showing yourself up, mate.

Mas, Mas...

Come on. Come on.

Cheers. Sorry about that.

-You OK?

-Yeah, I'm fine. Come. Sit down.

Give us a moment, Carol. There's something I got to do.

You've got my trifle bowl.

You look just like your mum.

-Seen her recently?

-Not in a while.

Protect them, you said.

"Yeah, she was such a laugh."

Hitting me. Spitting at me.

Shouting at me and me dad.

You've not asked me anything about her.

I don't want to know anything about her.

I hope she's dead.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

She still hanging about?

Yeah. I wish she'd fly somewhere far away and stay there.

Right then, next up we have...

-Oh, here we are. Kat, this might be us!

-David Wicks.

And since when did you do karaoke?

Oh, no!

SHE RINGS THE BELL Last orders.

-SHE RINGS THE BELL

-How about a lock in?!

CHEERING

My name above the pub door!

-Cheers.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Sylvie.

Yeah, I'm on my way.

I know I am, but...

Choir overran.

I'll be there soon.

-I can't take this.

-Give your dad a chance!

-I don't actually have a song. Sorry.

-What?

But I DO have a question!

Carol Jackson...

Will you marry me?

Awwww.