25/08/2014 EastEnders

-Oi, Oi!

-Lee!

-Look at you! You make me want to take you straight to the bedroom and give today a miss.

-It's a bit much, isn't it?

-No, it's Carnival, you nutter. You're meant to look like that.

-There you go. Know you like your little bit of bling.

-I do.

-Right, let's have it!

Urrrrgh!

SHE LAUGHS

Right Ian, did you remember to put Jim's chair in Patrick's room?

-Yes.

-Great.

Oh, no! No, I didn't clear out that drawer.

It's fine. Peter's done it.

Just calm down. Everything's going to be OK.

There you go, winkle. Cop for that.

Thanks a lot.

-Right, I'll see you later, then.

-We're coming with you.

Yeah, we're going to follow your mob around on one of them lorries.

Your mum's going to have her sequinned bikini on.

I'm going to have all my big guns hanging out. Ain't that right?

-Your hair looks lovely. Can we go now, please?

-Shut up. I couldn't find my Oyster.

Course you couldn't, sweetheart.

-You still coming?

-No. We still ain't found a donor.

-You'd best get a move on.

-You're meant to be knocking her up tomorrow, ain't ya?

-We're trying, ain't we?

It's just about finding the right dad.

They're cruising for man juice. Sure you want to go carnival?

How do you keep your material so fresh, Lee?

-What about Nancy?

-She's going to meet us down there.

-Oi, behave yourselves.

-No chance!

I can't stop thinking about you in that bikini now.

What do you reckon we have a little bit of carnival role-play later,

while the kids are away?

What? Oh. Yeah. Sure.

I usually only have to say fluorescent feathered headdress and she's all over it.

Don't worry about it. She's probably just mad you two are stuck in here all day

instead of having it down Notting Hill.

Do you know what? Do us a favour, T, can you hold the fort?

I think I know how to get my baby bubbling again!

-All right, Alfie.

-All right, Mick.

-What you doing with all that?

-What?

-Eating for the whole family?

Shut up! What are you talking about? This my the breakfast of champions. Protein and carbs. Lovely.

If you fancy this afternoon, why don't you pop over, come and see the twins, yeah?

-I'd love to, but...

-Terry's working with me today.

Yeah, well, she's got a load of extra stock

-so I said I'd help her shift it.

-Don't worry about it.

You'll probably do a better job than me. Catch you later. All right.

Here, girls, come and get your carnival gear here.

Oi, what do you think you're playing at?

What's the matter? Scared of a bit of competition?

No, it's his ugly mug I'm worried about. Scaring the customers off.

You're doing a good enough job of that yourself, love.

-What's that supposed to mean?

-When he blew that horn now, I thought it was you trying to sell me something.

Oh, there you go again, Bianca! Leggings? I've got plenty, thanks.

No, your leggings are thermal underwear, Tell.

And believe me, they're not a good look.

You lot! Oi listen, listen. I really need to ask a favour. I ain't going to lie, it's a big one.

I really need your help. And I need you back at the Vic.

I need you back at the Vic, right now.

-You're joking!

-Dad, this is my only day off in two weeks.

And it's the last chance I get to go out before I start my course.

Listen, I'll make it up to you, all right, I swear.

I'm planning this surprise for your mum.

She ain't been feeling too perky lately.

And I need your help.

OK? I know you both don't like seeing her like this, either.

All right. It's your mum, I get it. It's fine.

Whitney, thank you. Thank you.

No, no, not down there, pile them up together.

Sorry.

Your boy's got a lot of stuff, Mrs B.

Yes, and your record collection's growing at a rate of knots.

Arthur, I'm worried about this, with you here and Charlie moving in,

cos I'm only allowed one lodger. You know what the Council said.

-Yeah, but...

-Cheers, Arthur.

Well, let's get you settled in.

All right - careful with that box of fragile stuff, eh?

Right, come on, then, Patrick. Shall I help you with this leg? Yeah?

OK. Come on, then. That's it, I've got it.

There you go. It's down now. You bring the other one out.

I've got your arm. Get out this side, yeah? You OK?

One, two, three, lift!

I've got you. It's all right, don't worry.

Welcome back!

Peter's been looking after your allotment for you.

-Yeah, I can't believe how much it's grown!

-Thank you.

-Peter, could you get the wheelchair out the boot for me, please?

-Uh-huh.

-OK. All right, let's go then.

-That's it. You got that?

One at a time. Slowly.

There we are.

What do you think I'm doing? I'm just trying it on. I don't want your cheap stuff anyway.

Oi, oi, oi! I thought told you to stay in the flat.

I've lost the flat, ain't I? Landlord spotted me with a client.

Just lend me a tenner, please. For a hostel.

-I don't know why I bother.

-Please, Phil.

I'm begging you - I just, I just need one more hit. You know what it's like.

Yeah. And I know that ain't the kind of help you need.

Just go away. Go away now. I mean it.

-All right?

-Yeah. You?

-Yeah.

I thought we could pop home, have a bit of lunch.

-Sounds good.

-Lovely.

And while we're there, you can tell me all about that drug addict.

I've still got you, I've still got you.

Just here in case, OK.

OK. Let's...we'll just get you into the chair for the minute. OK? Yes, I've got you.

-Right, you hold on.

-I've got him, I've got him.

-Slowly. Slowly, Patrick.

-Yeah, that's it.

No rush. No rush, that's it. That's it. Good man. Good man.

-You're doing brilliant.

-In your own time.

Get your leg round, get your leg round, I've got you. I've got you.

That's it.

HE GROANS

We did it!

THEY PANT

Whose... room...?

It was Lucy's. But it's yours now, Patrick.

And this is Jim's old chair you're in here!

Oh, no, Patrick, that's not what I mean.

You - you're going to be all right in no time.

Ooh, there's a good one - six foot one. Olive skin.

-Professional stuntman!

-Seriously?! This site's hilarious.

Yeah, I told you you'd like it.

-Yeah. I'm going to get a new cousin, ain't I?

-It is pretty cute.

-Do you reckon he'll be a looker like me?

-Full of yourself, ain't you?

What can I say? I'm blessed.

Oi, you lot, this is actually pretty important.

-Sorry.

-Oh, what about this guy?

Says he can't decide what he loves more,

travelling the world or Sunday roast with my mum!

What? He sounds sweet.

Seriously! Plus he works in finance.

Tina, we don't have time for this! This is happening tomorrow.

We've got to choose someone!

-It'll get easier.

-Will it? That stair rail ain't going to be enough, you know.

-We're going to need a ramp to the door, a rail for the bed...

-Yeah, but that's all easily sorted.

I don't know.

I thought he'd be happier to be back at home.

He hated all the nurses fussing over him.

But he just...

He seems so depressed. And I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

You are doing everything right. OK? It takes time.

Do you think he's going to be happier downstairs?

-Nearer the action and that?

-Ask him.

Tell you what, how about we do something for him this afternoon?

Invite all his friends round. Show him how much they've missed him.

I don't know about that. He doesn't really seem in the mood.

Exactly. It'll cheer him up. Come on, what do you reckon?

-I suppose it's worth a try, ain't it?

-All right.

You start phoning round, I'll get some food from the restaurant.

I was doing the girl a favour. That's all you need to know.

Really?

Cos it looked to me like you were asking her for something.

-Question is, what?

-You're imagining things.

Drug addict, probably selling herself. There's a lot on offer.

-I'm not the one with the problem.

-It doesn't look like that from where I'm standing.

-Maybe you're looking in the wrong place.

-You are not making sense!

OK, OK, you want to know? I'll tell you. All right.

You're right. Rainie is selling herself.

And your mate Ian bought it.

KNOCK ON DOOR

I ain't stopping.

Now make sure you don't lose this set of keys, cos Mr Papadopoulos,

he will be none too pleased if he has to have another pair cut.

Oh, I suppose you've heard that Patrick's out of hospital.

Yeah. I'm happy for him.

Well, I've just come off the phone from Denise

and she's having a little gathering to welcome him home.

And I'm running round trying to gather up as many

people as possible.

Now you'll be coming, shall I say?

It's a bit short notice, Dot. I've made other plans.

Yes, well, I'm sure you'll do your best to rearrange them.

I mean, I do hope if you ever find yourself in Patrick's shoes,

people would make the effort to come and see you.

We need a new barrel.

THEY LAUGH

All right, Johnny? I want you on feathers.

I want pink ones, I want blue ones, I want bright green ones,

I want anything feathery.

All right. We're going to turn this gaff into a massive tropical peacock.

Tropical peacock. Got it.

Lee, Whit, I want you on costumes and face paint.

I can get face paint from Lily - we paint each other's faces all the time.

Sweet as. I want beads, I want boas, I want body paint,

I want any sort of hat or headwear you can get hold of.

And when I say bright I mean, like, serious headaches, yeah?

It's the cockney carnival, boys and girls.

And your mother is going to love it! Right, there's 60 jib there.

Use it wisely. Double double bright.

There you go.

Let me.

That's it. Look at you, eh?

Eh? Still got it.

Ready to go?

KNOCK ON DOOR

-Come in.

-Where are you? Oh.

I've come early, cos I want to have a few words with Patrick before the rest turn up.

-I've brought you an extra pair of hands.

-Where do you need me?

Here, washing fruit, please.

Dot, I just want to say a big thank you for Jim's riser chair.

I mean, it's going to make such a difference to Patrick.

Yes, well, he can't use it. Not no more.

Look, you know this is a bit of an undertaking, don't you?

I hope that you and Denise are doing the right thing.

Yeah. Oh, excuse. Patrick! Look who's here to see you. It's Dot.

Look at you. You're doing much better than I expected.

-Do you like your riser chair?

-Thank you.

Yeah, it's ever so good. Sit yourself down, touch a button

and the next minute you're on your feet like a jack in the box.

And you don't have to ask no-one to help you.

Now, I've got ever so much to tell you about the goings on in the Square.

I just can't believe he'd do something like that.

Why would I make it up?

He lied to me. He looked me in the eye and he lied to me.

I mean what am I? Some sort of mug?

He weren't proud of himself, was he?

He told you though, didn't he?

-And you just had to get involved.

-What?

That tart is not our problem, Phil!

No. She's Ian's. And Ian is your mate.

Why do you think I'm doing this, eh?

So do you really think she'll talk?

No, she's desperate. That's what the gear does to you.

Well, Ian's got a lot to thank you for.

But I mean it, Phil. That Rainie - she's someone else's problem.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Yes, Peter! You good, bro? What's going on, what's going on? Charlie! What's going on brother?

-You come to give us a hand?

-Of course, bro, but first, where is the big man?

-In there.

Mr Trueman! Welcome back, bruvver! You are looking swaggerlicious, man!

You putting me to shame.

Something is smelling good in there - I'm going to go give them

a hand and let you catch up with Alfie here.

Hey, hey, hey! Look who's back in the house!

Paddy, how are you, mate? Nurses had enough of you terrorising them, have they?

-Seriously, mate, it's good to have you back.

-Thank you.

-You're welcome.

-There you go, Alfie, get that down your neck.

-Lovely. To you.

It's not too much for you, is it?

No.

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Someone's popular.

-I'll get it.

Sorry we're late.

Oh, I completely forgot!

-Dad?

-Um, we'd arranged for an update.

I'm sorry, my mind's been all over the place.

Can we come in?

We're just having a bit of a family do at the moment.

It's entirely my fault. Can you come back tomorrow?

-Yes, of course.

-Perhaps you could come to us.

-Has there been some news, or something?

-It'll keep.

See you.

Is it me, or does Emma know something?

Do you think someone's come forward after the appeal?

Let's just wait and see what they say tomorrow, yeah?

Come on, let's get the food sorted.

Well, I think Patrick's looking quite perky.

Only a matter of time till he's in the Queen Vic, dancing the night away.

I don't know, he just still seems a bit shaky on his feet, that's all.

But he's not half as bad as my Jim was.

-Mind you, he'll still need support.

-Yeah, you're right, Dot. I'll get Kat to bring the twins round.

-Oh, lovely.

-By then we might have changed their names from Bert and Ernie, you know.

Either put a smile on his face or drive him round the bend, one way or another.

Here we go folks, food's ready!

Right now Patrick and Dot, you two have table service.

The rest of you - go fight it out in the kitchen.

Dot, sit yourself here, love. Go help yourselves, guys.

Lovely, thank you, Ian.

You know In a funny sort of way, we're lucky, Patrick.

You, cos your stroke ain't so bad and you've got Ian

and Denise running round after you.

And me, because, you know, I always thought that

when I was older that I'd get edged out.

But I've still got friends, and then I've got my grandson, Charlie.

So we don't have to be lonely, do we?

No.

-Thank you.

-What for?

This. It's exactly what he needed. Well, for everything really.

Do you know what, we'll have plenty of times like this.

We've got a wedding to sort out, haven't we?

Besides, I'm getting a taste for this stuff.

Dad. Where's Mum?

I used me nut, she's in the kitchen.

All right, I've got her on food.

Now, that's what I'm talking about, son.

I know it's not exactly carnival, but this is Mum we're talking about.

It's quality. She's going to love it. Johnny boy, how you getting on?

Wow! It's like a big massive feather duster.

-Only flat. But better.

-Er... thanks.

-Tina!

-Sorry, sorry.

I thought we was nearly there? You wanted somebody adventurous.

We wanted someone who put their family first.

Yeah, but he's got to be smart. But not geeky with it.

Is this my cousin we're talking about? If it is, he's got to love a night out.

-And try and slip that millionaire gene in there somewhere, yes!

-Shouldn't be hard.

-Mick?

-Get down, get down!

Er, the filter's making that funny noise again. Can you come and have a look?

Course I will, darling.

Ahem! Better luck next time!

It ain't a competition.

That's what losers say.

Obviously they saw the right outfit on the right model.

-That's a joke.

-Did anyone ask you?

Well, I dunno, you're so loud, it's really hard to tell.

-She's got a point. Have you looked in a mirror lately?

-Bend over,

and I'll have a little look at my reflection in your head.

Boom! Bald jokes. Sophisticated.

-Ooh, la-di-da!

-You're so mature, ain't you?

You are well up yourself, do you know that?

And you are so killing me with your witty banter, Bianca.

You know what, Tel, I can't be bothered with this.

-You're walking away?

-Yes, and what?

-I ain't finished talking to you!

-Oh, go home, Terry!

Nightmare!

Bianca! Oi!

Seriously - good work, Dad.

Do you think so?

Have you not seen the look on Patrick's face?

He does look like he's enjoying himself.

How about you?

I'm good.

Yeah. Surprisingly good.

Everyone, just listen up a sec.

I just want to, just say on behalf of all of us - welcome back, Patrick.

We have missed you.

Yay! Hey, yay!

Um, look, while you've all got a glass in your hand,

there's someone else we still miss.

Badly. And always will.

But, as you can see,

we're starting to get back to remembering how to enjoy ourselves.

So, Lucy "party the night away" Beale, I'm sure you'd approve of that. So...

Patrick, Denise, me, Peter, Bobby - a new family,

but with my little girl, Lucy, still at the very heart of it.

To Lucy!

To Lucy.

To Lucy.

Bianca!

I ain't finished with you.

Where are the kids?

At Ricky's.

Oh, so now you're playing hard to get, are you, eh?

Nothing to be scared of. Just a couple more steps.

Right, now, what I want you to do is turn to your right.

That's it, right, ready?

CHEERING

Wow. It's so... bright!

It's the Carters' Cockney Carnival, ain't it?

Listen, forget about that Notting Hill, it's all about Walford.

What do you think?

Yeah, I love it.

-Get down there, you great lump. Whit'll be home any minute.

-Take it I ain't staying, then.

You joking?

Look, we've been doing this for two months.

-I'm not saying I want to get married, but it'd be nice to have a Chinese.

-I like it the way it is.

Friends with benefits and all that.

Friends? Booty call, more like. But then again with a booty like this, I ain't surprised.

See, it's fun. Why spoil it?

Anyway, did you see her face - that Donna?

Dopy cow! She ain't got a clue, has she?

-Yeah. It was funny, actually.

-Right, listen, I'm going to go over and then you follow, yeah?

Don't want people to see us together now, do we?

Course not.

See you, Dot.

Uh, listen up, guys, listen up, listen up -

I think we're going to call this party to an end.

-Oi, don't go shooting the messenger.

-It's your house, you muppet!

I know it is, but I have been reliably informed that there

is another party taking place in the Queen Vic right now.

So I think we should carry it on over there.

For those of you who don't want to carry it on, take a doggy bag and as much food as you can carry,

otherwise it's going on the specials board in the caff.

See you in the Queen Vic in five minutes.

-No, we're going to call it a day.

-Yeah, it's just Patrick.

-What're you talking about? Shtoom!

-Paddy's coming with us.

-Yeah!

-No, I'm not so sure.

-Come on, we can't leave him, can we?

-I don't know.

-Just for the one! Come on.

-Yes! Be fine.

We'll have him over there, drive the old ladies crazy, back in 20 minutes before you know it.

All right, all right. Paddy, down to you, mate - what do you say?

Yeah, man.

Yeah, man! That's how it goes! Right, come on, Paddy, got to get you in the chair now, mate.

Ready? You going to get the beers in?

Right, you. Last chance.

Are you absolutely, definitely,

positively sure that that is the father of our child?

I don't know.

Don't say that! I thought you did know.

Oh, I do know! I mean I don't know him. At all.

Well, we know he's rich. And he's an amazing cellist.

I mean, seriously, we both like him. What's the problem?

No, we both like a ten-line description of him.

We've got no idea who he really is. And we never will.

I dunno, eh? Some people ain't got a drop of style about them,

have they, eh? Ha-ha!

L?

Having a little joke with you.

What are you like?

Dad. Stop trying so hard. It ain't working.

L. I can't bear seeing you like this.

You seem so sad.

Usually, I'd know what to do but I just...

I just feel like I'm losing you.

Oh, it's not you, Mick. I'm just not myself.

I know it ain't right, especially when you've gone to all this effort.

-No, no...

-No, look, Mick. Really, don't worry about me. It's nothing.

These things never last, do they?

Thank you, thank you! Thank you.

I promise, I'll pay you back, I promise. Thank you!

That's not why I called.

-Stop it!

-Shut up. Shut up!

What you doing? Get off!

Watch out ladies, Paddy's back! That's it, down we go.

Second gear, second gear. Into third gear, into third gear.

OK, up here? All right, pull it back there like that.

You ready?

You going to do this all night? Why don't you just come and have a drink with me?

Are you joking? I'd rather drink alone, thanks!

Right. Suit yourself.

Patrick! Paddy's in the house!

Here we go!

Paddy's back in the house!

The man is here. He's back.

Right, Paddy, let's get you sorted down here, mate. Lovely.

Dot, I can't...

It's about time you looked after her.

Now all we've got to do is put your credit card details in,

fire up your ovens and wait nine months.

It's not that simple, though, is it?

Well, no. It's the morning sickness and backache...

I meant AFTER the pregnancy.

I agree to this and I'm agreeing to raise a child without a dad.

All they're going to have is a few paragraphs of information.

And when they ask me, "Why haven't I got a daddy like all my friends?"

I'm going to have to say it's cos of me.

Listen, you - it will be OK!

Really? How can you be so sure?

-What can I get you?

-Um...

bottle of lager for me, please, red wine for Dee

and a fruit juice for Patrick.

You having a good night, are you?

Yeah. It was um, you know... Patrick.

How about you?

Oh, the best.

There you go. That was a success, wasn't it?

You reckon?

Yeah. And you know what else?

Oh, please! You two, get a room or something - what's the matter with you?

Get off.

Can I have a word please, L?

-Can it wait? I'm rushed off my feet here.

-No. It's important. Come here.

Listen to me. I've been a tool.

And you've been incredible to just be able to get on with things.

And I would be a mug if I couldn't see the damage I've done.

Just let me finish, please.

I'm not usually the type to let a mate down.

But if I have to choose between his family and mine,

then I'm sorry, but there's absolutely no contest.

I'm going to tell Ian. Either he tells the truth, or I will.