14/12/2015 EastEnders

Why would I book ZZ Top to play at my wedding?

-I specifically asked for a DJ!

-BABY CRIES

Ollie, shush, darling, Mummy's on the phone.

Linda? Where are ya?

Well, find whoever did book it, then, cos it ain't my mistake.

Yes, Mum?

It's for you, darling.

Some sort of issue with the wedding car you wanted.

Oh, Ollie!

Yes?

Something smells good.

-Tonight's dinner sorted. Man needs a decent meal to come home to.

-Yeah.

Well, my man don't go hungry when he's with me, let me tell you.

He gets his fill.

Mmm.

Arghhh!

-You cooked it?

-Yes. Problem?

You're damn right there's a problem!

I don't want to open my fridge and see Porky staring back at me!

Why let a good piece of meat go to waste?

What on earth are you doing scrabbling in the bins?

-Getting Goosey Lucy her breakfast.

-That's disgusting.

You won't be complaining

when she's stuffed with my sausage and chestnuts.

This came for you.

Christmas card? Waste of trees, if you ask me.

They go straight in the fire.

Must be from one of those charities.

You know, the type that write to the old and lonely.

Make them feel they've got a friend.

Well, if you'll excuse me, I'm needed by the family.

Course, you wouldn't know about that.

-Cup of tea?

-Yes, please. Oh, you're looking dapper, Les.

Yeah, it's Cokers' Christmas Luncheon.

It's Pam's idea - we do it every year.

Invite all the local pensioners for a free spread.

It's good for business, you see.

I buried two of last year's guests.

Oh.

It's all right, Hon - he waits till they're dead first.

-Yeah.

-Actually, Les, I bumped into Pam.

Yeah. She asked how it was going.

You know, the catering and all that...

Do you think...she might turn up?

Have you asked her?

She knows it's happening. What's the point?

She doesn't want to be anywhere near me.

Oh, I'm sure that isn't true.

Billy's told me how great you two are together.

And everyone has their little hiccups.

If only that's all it was...

Look, it's nearly Christmas!

If she comes along today, it could build a few bridges, eh?

I mean, look at me and Billy.

Who'd have thought there'd be any hope for us?

So I've made a list of all the jobs that need doing,

and I thought you might like to cast your eye

over this rehearsal schedule.

What, now?!

I'm already up to my ears with this Christingle service for the vicar.

I've got to fold all these orders of service

before I go to the laundrette.

Oh! So you're too busy for the Nativity?

I ain't said that.

It's just that, if you've got too much on,

I am really happy to step up and make it my priority.

Someone has to.

Now you listen to me.

I ain't one to relinquish my obligations. Not for no-one.

And here I am all keen and raring to go.

Honestly, I don't know why I bother sometimes!

No-one seems to care for my input any more.

Oh, I say. No need for all these histrionics.

I suppose I can find you something to be going on with,

seeing as you're so keen.

Oh, I do hope so.

It's just...having an artistic nature

and no outlet for your talent is an affliction, I tell you now.

Well, I suppose I could put you in charge of the set.

Artistic designer?

If that's what you want to call yourself.

Oh, yes! I've got a very aesthetic eye.

I can oversee the entire vision.

Costumes, make-up, lights, special effects...

Special effects? This is the birth of Jesus we're talking about.

And I am going to do him proud.

This show is going to be fabulous! Fabulous!

Lloyd Webber, eat your heart out.

Now, hold your horses. I said the set.

Don't let's get ahead of ourselves.

Oh, I see. Well, I may as well take it, then.

# Santa baby

# Slip a sable under the tree For me

# Been an awful good girl Santa baby... #

Could be worse. Least she ain't got her trumpet out.

Ah, just the blokes I'm after!

-That's what they all say. Ain't it, mate?

-Yes!

I'm in charge of designing a fabulous set for the Walford Nativity

and I need two strapping blokes.

Any offers?

Yeah, go on, then. Well, it's Christmas, isn't it?

Thanks. What about you, beefcake?

-Well, I can't really say no now, can I?

-Great.

Well, I'll give you a shout when Mick gets back from the timber yard.

-Right.

-Lovely.

-Bye!

-That's great(!)

-You'll enjoy that!

-Yeah!

-Oi! Are you soft in the head or something?

Ain't you got enough to do?

-Where's your Christmas spirit, eh?

-Oh, it's a load of old rubbish.

-I'm starting to think you're becoming a right old Scrooge.

-Oh, yeah?

Yeah. It's the season of goodwill, innit? Meant to be magical.

I want this year to be special.

You know, me, you, Bex, Lily and our little bump.

Yeah, well, it will be special. We'll be together.

We don't need some fairy tale about following stars.

Try that on.

That's the DJ sorted. Right. Now the car...

Got a million and one things to do today.

-Is everything all right for you, Les?

-Yeah.

Is Pam coming?

We're not sure yet.

Oh, Elaine, Janet's been practising really hard, true professional!

She can't wait to come over to do some work with you!

-What sort of work?

-For the Nativity.

Don't worry, darling. I know my Strindberg from my Stanislavski.

She's not playing the violin as well?

Billy, she's just practising her words!

Yeah, I know. Just don't tire her out, all right?

I don't want her getting all stressed.

Les, why don't you give her a call, eh?

What harm can it do?

Oh, thanks.

So when's the midwife coming?

She's coming next week.

What's happening with you? You had any more appointments?

I'm just...

I'm just waiting for my blood test results

to be forwarded to my new doctor,

see what's wrong with me.

Shabs, there's probably nothing wrong with you.

And worrying about it just makes it worse.

Here, one of you ladies set this straight for me, please.

This numpty is saying that that little mess there

is supposed to look like a manger.

-Yeah, it does!

-What's all this?

These two idiots have volunteered to build a Nativity set!

What?

One flutter of Elaine's eyelashes...

It's Christmas!

Yes, and you have got a load of trees to deliver.

Suppose I can give you a hand if you're still struggling.

Thanks, Auntie Kath.

-Best get back to it, then, hadn't I?

-There you go.

Hang on a minute. Ain't the manger where they went cos there was no room in the hotel?

I think that needs to be a lot bigger.

No, Stace! That's the stable.

The manger's where Jesus slept.

Oh, yeah.

"Oh, yeah"!

She knows as much about the Bible as you two do about carpentry.

Oh, it's just a big fairy story.

Yeah, tell me about it! Pregnant virgin?

I'm surprised her fella didn't ask for a DNA test!

Right, I'm going to Dot's.

We need to brace it...

Hey, er... thanks for my birthday present.

I'm assuming it's you guys.

Care to elaborate?

Been telling little secrets, have you? Phil sent me a pig's head.

A pig's head?

Yeah, right, I know. It's funny stuff!

I mean, is that the best you can give me?

Oh, no, trust me, I'm way better than that.

And if I were out to get you, Vincent, you'd know about it.

Now, Stacey, don't let her get it dirty

or the vicar'll have my guts for garters.

Oh, Dot. She's gonna love this.

I was just gonna stick a tea towel on her head.

I ain't got a clue when it comes to all this stuff.

This stuff? Meaning the birth of Jesus, our saviour?

Well, yeah. We did it at school, but I didn't really listen.

Well, I hope Lily enjoys the Christingle service

with all the little schoolchildren,

even if it is the only time they set foot in church.

You know, Stacey, you want to send Lily to Sunday school

so she can learn all about it.

I ain't really into all that, Dot.

Here, take this.

It was my Nick's.

But he ain't got no use for it no more.

Dot, I can't take that!

I used to read to him every night at bedtime.

He particularly loved the part about Gethsemane.

Ah, the meaning of Christmas. I know that one!

It's called "getting skint".

It's about giving, Stacey.

Not fancy stuff like computer tapes and suchlike,

but of yourself. Of your goodwill.

That's why I'm running around like a headless chicken,

you know, with the Nativity play and the Christingle service.

Dot, the year you've had, you should be putting your feet up.

Why'd you bother?

Because I like being kind to my fellow man. Makes me happy.

"Give and it shall be given unto you."

That's Luke, chapter six, verse 38.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, Lord, who's that?

Oh, it's you again.

Charming, I'm sure.

Thanks, Dot. I'll see you later!

All right, bye, Stacey.

What is it this time?

The set's been taken care of,

but I was hoping you might find it in your heart to let me

steam ahead with something else.

I'm perfectly capable, thank you very much.

I've got carried away again, haven't I?

I'm sorry.

It's just, it has been so nice to be part of something special

in the community. To be needed.

Yeah. No-one wants to be alone. Not this time of the year.

I mean, I've just got so much to give!

I mean, why let all my theatrical talents go to waste?

Ooh... I am a bit excitable sometimes, aren't I?

But you know it's only because I'm keen.

I'm going to go now, see what the boys are up to.

And, um, well, you let me know

when you've got another task for me to do.

Best keep busy, eh?

I suppose I have got enough on my plate.

Really?

Yes. You can be the director.

-Really?

-But I want it in writing that I have the final say,

cos this is the greatest story in the world,

and I don't want none of your flashing lights,

nor your jazz hands.

Oh, Dot! I just don't know what to say.

Thank you so, so much! This means the world to me!

This is going to be the greatest Nativity

since the one that Jesus was in!

HUBBUB

There you go, girls.

You need anything else, you give me a shout.

My wish is your command. Yeah?

Oh!

I tell you what...

I ain't going back over there without a bodyguard.

That old girl just gave me a right double reef!

I thought you was gonna give me a hand?

-L!

-Yeah, yeah, sorry, it's fine, I'll see to 'em.

It's not the same without you, Birdie.

Why don't you pop in, have a bite with us?

Yeah, well, I understand.

But if you change your mind, I've set a...

You just need to give her time.

It's going to take more than time.

No, we'll get you back together if it kills us. Right?

Ah, Mr and Mrs Irvine, how nice to see you.

Would you care for an alcoholic beverage?

I still can't believe he cheated on Pam.

He don't seem the type!

Yeah, well, everyone deserves a second chance, don't they?

-What are we gonna do?

-I dunno. Suppose I could talk to Paul.

You need to hurry up, it's nearly Christmas!

Oh, all right.

Oh, look what the cat spewed up.

Coming in here, lowering the tone

when we've got a nice quiet luncheon on for the elderly.

Cora! How you getting on?

Not bad, actually.

I got a nice little bed...sit off Spring Lane.

Nothing too flashy, but beggars can't be choosers, can they, Babe?

I wouldn't know. I've never had to beg in my life.

Except for a bloke.

-So you're back on your feet? That's great news, isn't it, Mick?

-Yeah.

-I'll drink to that.

You'll drink to anything.

Please, Babe, not today! I've got enough going on!

Right, then. Large gin for the lady.

On your feet? On your back, more like.

In the gutter.

-GLASS SMASHES

-Such an idiot!

-It's all right, babe, don't worry. I'll deal with it.

-No, it's fine!

-I'll do it.

-I said... Right, whatever! You do it!

Double?

I'd know if I'd ordered it. I'm not an idiot, boy!

We don't even have a garden! Nah, mate.

You've got the wrong address, mate, I'm telling you!

Did you order this turf, Vincent?

Course I didn't!

Well, the geezer's got your name, and it says cash on delivery.

Not me, pal. Get out of here.

Nearly as funny as a pig's head in a gift box, innit?

Why would someone send you grass, Vincent?

I dunno. Just send it back.

I ain't paying for it.

Come in, come in.

You doing a bunk?

Nah.

I've gotta clear out for the builders when they come in the New Year,

and Patrick ain't up to much helping.

Is that a hint?

Oh, yeah! Like you're gonna roll your sleeves up!

What you doing here, anyway?

I got some good news about Jade. She's moving in next week.

Oh, that's brilliant, Shirl! Oh, you must be over the moon!

Yeah, she's stayed over a couple of times, but this time it's for real.

Oh, that's lovely. It's really brilliant.

You're gonna have all your family around you at Christmas.

Are you missing Kim?

You've still got Patrick.

Yeah. Yeah, I know I have.

It's just, it's not the same

as having all your family round at Christmas, you know?

Hope you ain't packed the vodka?

Oh, don't be daft.

Yeah, well, if I have to sit here all afternoon

listening to you moaning, I want it with a drink in my hand.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Who's that?

Well, how do I know?

Vodka's in the kitchen - help yourself.

Oh!

-There you go.

-You all right there?

Yeah. I've dragged it. I managed to save it for you.

Lovely. It's lovely and bushy, this one.

Oh, look at that.

Patrick's going to be so happy. He can get all his tinsel out.

Thanks, Kathy.

Kathy Beale? I wondered when we were going to be introduced.

I'm Shirley Carter. You fancy a drink?

Well, what with it being Christmas and all that.

Yeah. Yeah, why not?

I'm sure Martin won't miss me for half an hour.

Oh, Lil, mind you don't get that all sticky.

What is it?

It's a present from Dot. It's about Mary and Joseph.

Just say "thank you" when you see her.

Can you read it to me?

Oh, Lil, I can't. Look at the state of this place.

I need to tidy up.

Why don't you just watch a DVD?

All right. Just a couple of pages.

Yay!

OK.

"A long time ago, when Herod was king,

"God sent his angel Gabriel to a girl called Mary.

"And the angel said, 'Do not be afraid, God is going to give

"'you a very special baby and you must call him Jesus.'"

Is that how you got this baby?

What you looking at?

-Thought you said it was a load of old rubbish?

-It is, it is!

I'll help myself, shall I? Save you the trouble.

Don't you worry, girl. I'll sort that out.

You sit yourself down, all right?

I think you've had enough freebies for one day, don't you?

Babe, what's the matter?

Give it here!

You see?

Mr Coker, I found this tramp with her thieving mitts in your spread.

Shall I call the police?

I don't think that will be necessary, no.

-It's a couple of scotch eggs, for heaven's sake!

-Here. You have them.

Stealing from your friends and family? Where's your pride, woman?

I promise you, I'll never sink as low as you to put food on the table.

That's enough now, yous two.

Those young girls...

You and Queenie Trott.

Young girls? What you on about?

Too much gin. Let's get her outside in the air.

Don't come near me!

Sylvie told my Stan what you did in Ramsgate.

Shirley wasn't the only one to keep secrets in that caravan.

What did she do, for crying out loud?

Come on, Babe. Come on.

Tell them how you made your living as a baby farmer.

Mick? Mick?

Anyone for a chocolate eclair? Mince pie?

Those young girls, they went to her in their hour of need.

Like Shirley.

She took 'em in and then she sold their babies to the highest bidders.

She sold babies? And you knew about this?

So instead of looking down your snout at me,

why don't you take a look in the mirror?

If you can bear it.

Guess what?!

You are looking at the new director of the Walford Nativity!

Out the back.

Linda?

I've seen you before.

You don't look as old as I thought you would.

Well, I'll take that as a compliment. I think.

Not bad for a walking corpse.

Here, anyone want some dip?

Well, you're even gobbier than I heard.

And what did you hear?

This and that.

Did you hear about what your boy did to Hev, my best mate?

While you were off pretending to be dead.

And what he did to her boy, Jordan?

Oh, come on, Shirl.

You know, we've all done things we regret when it comes to our kids.

I mean, look at Jordan. He weren't no angel, was he?

Still ain't.

What d'you mean?

Have you seen him?

Libby said that he'd been to see Chelsea. He was in trouble.

-So?

-So...I'm going to try and make contact with him.

Are you mad?

Sorry, what's the problem?

-His dad. Mass murderer in a dog collar.

-What?!

It weren't that bad! It...

D, he took you hostage and tried to kill you.

It's not exactly Mills and Boon, is it?

I hope you're winding me up?

-I wish I was.

-Well, he wasn't well.

Anyway, he's where he belongs now.

Yeah, well, in my opinion, he belongs in a box.

You're well rid of him, by the sounds of it.

But it isn't all black and white, is it?

Not when there's kids involved.

I can't just walk away from Jordan completely

and pretend like he never existed.

So you're just gonna drop in on Lucas

and ask him for Jordan's address?

For money?

I couldn't have done it for free!

I'd have been out of pocket.

You made money out of other people's misery. You profited...

I've never heard anything so revolting.

And you knew?

No, no. You don't need to answer that.

It came out when we scattered Dad's ashes.

You didn't tell me!

Happened a long time ago.

That's not an excuse!

I can't believe you're digging me out about this.

I'm as sick about it as you are.

I didn't tell you because I want to keep this family together.

Family?! Her?

I'm as big a part of this family as you are.

Not any more.

As far as I'm concerned, you're not part of this family at all.

What?

You think anyone around here's gonna want to even look at you

when they know what you've done?

You belong behind bars.

Oi, hold up a minute...

No, she's right. You disgust me.

I want you out of here. Go on!

Pack your things and go!

But it's Christmas!

I don't care! There's no place for you in our home any more.

No, L, I know it's a shock, but let's not be so harsh.

It is Christmas, Aunt Babe will be cooking us our dinner.

All right?

Just stop jumping down my throat!

Right, Jordan is in trouble,

and I don't know how to sort it so I have to go to the prison.

He's not your problem any more. He ain't a kid.

So I just stop caring, do I?

You know what's gonna happen, don't ya?

Lucas is gonna suck you right back in.

Shirl, please, I'm not completely stupid!

He's going to tell you he's changed, give you a load of flannel

and you'll swallow it cos he's good.

Shirley's right. That's the trouble with blokes like him.

They get so far into your head that you don't know who you are any more.

All right, all right.

Don't you start saying that you weren't warned.

Cos I'm telling you now,

if you're stupid enough to go and see Lucas, you deserve what you get.

I don't buy this for one second.

He knows what this is about.

So why isn't he sharing?

I tried the turf company but the joker didn't even leave his number.

Who cares? At least I don't need to pay, right?

But who's the joker?

What are you hiding from me, son?

It's sorted. Playtime's over.

Is this about last week? Some kind of payback?

DOORBELL RINGS

It's nothing.

Merry Christmas, Vincent.

Come on, then! Sit down.

SHE SCREAMS

Get out!

-Vincent!

-Get out! Get out!

BABY CRYING

All right, darling. I'm sorry.

Mummy's coming now.

Call the police and ambulance!

Talk to me, son.

-You know who these people were?

-Oh, he knows.

I said, call the police and ambulance!

Vincent?

-What are you waiting for?

-No! Call no-one, yeah?

Talk to me.

Tell me what I'm thinking isn't true.

Talk to me!

What are you on about? What is all this?

I don't know.

Oh, you know. You know very well.

All I know is that this is coming from Phil Mitchell.

Phil? But why?

Yeah, why does he hate you so much, Vincent?

Because he knows, doesn't he? He knows what you are.

The pig's head? The grass?

You think I'm stupid, don't you?

What is she on about?

Go on, tell me. Tell me it's not true.

Tell me you haven't sunk as low as I think that you have.

Go on! Tell me!

I can't. I can't.

Vincent? I'm your wife!

Don't you think I've got a right to know?

Say it. Say it!

I'm a grass!

Been working for the Old Bill.

Then today...is the day I lost my son.

You're dead to me.