28/12/2015 EastEnders

MICK SIGHS

-Everything all right?

-Yeah.

My stag?

I set up a nice quiet table in the corner.

I think there's about five or six people coming.

Yeah, so just probably, a little quiet one, yeah?

Yeah, well, you weren't expecting a stripper or nothing, were you?

-What?

-Oh, no, did he think he was getting a stripper?

No, what you talking... No!

Listen, we'll have a little quiet one.

You know, they're always the best ones, them little quiet ones.

Yeah, so we're off to get my wedding dress altered.

Yeah, yeah, we're going to meet Nan in Watford.

-Have a girlie lunch. Won't be back till late.

-All right.

Whitney's offered to look after the baby, so you can...

Yeah, I don't want to cramp your style...

No, listen, you go and enjoy yourselves.

I'll just have a couple of beers...

LOUD MUSIC STRIKES UP IN BAR

MUSIC: Rock 'n' Roll Star by Oasis

# I live my life in the city

# But there's no easy way out. #

CHEERING

Johnny, how are ya?

And we've got a surprise for you and all.

-What, like this ain't a surprise?

-This, is nothing.

Nice quiet night, Field Marshal Carter!

CHEERING

So he got through the operation OK?

That's got to be a good sign, yeah?

Phil?

I was hoping to see you, Mr Mitchell.

Thanks.

Billy, Billy, look, look, look, look, look.

He stayed over.

Thought I was going to have to send out for some ear plugs at one point.

Oh, it's lovely though, isn't it, after all this time?

They do say true love always finds a way.

Rox...please, I said I'm sorry.

That make it all right, then, does it?

-No, no, course not.

-No?

How am I supposed to explain this to people, Dean?

What am I supposed to say to Amy?

I shouldn't have to explain it cos it should NEVER have happened.

Look, baby, I know that I have a lot of making-up to do,

but I promise you, I will make it up to you.

Few things we need to sort out.

Like what?

Are you serious?

How about you didn't come home Christmas Eve?

-Was this about Zoe again?

-Oh, don't you bring her into it!

Something must have happened otherwise you'd have come home.

I did.

-Alfie, why did we do it?

-What?

Why did we have to rush off, just pick up sticks

and move to Spain like that, without even time to think?

-You didn't say no.

-I didn't have time to catch my breath!

And it didn't change after that.

It's been one big whirlwind ever since.

I'm trying to do what's best for our family. Anything wrong with that?

OK, so what is best for our family? Because you haven't even asked me.

-And I miss my friends and family.

-I get all that.

I know things happened a bit quick, but we've got a nice home,

-the kids are happy.

-We could have a nice home here.

OK, listen, I can make this work, I promise, all right?

Let's talk about this later, all right?

Look, are you sure it's all right for me to go to Mick's stag? Yeah?

-I'll come with you. Is that all right?

-Yeah, mate, sweet.

All right, all right, everyone listen up, right?

We are going to be in the clubs later...

CHEERING

..but before we do that...

Nah, not for your ears. Come on, upstairs.

Right, a few games.

Oh, leave off!

First, a little game I like to call Shark Attack.

As soon as you hear this, everyone off the ground, all right?

Second, everyone have a pipe at your cards a minute...

..cos that's who you're for going to be for the rest of the night.

Hold up, so I'm a dog having a leg?!

LAUGHTER

THIS is why I don't do stag dos.

Right, and as soon as I shout out, "Who Are Ya?"

that's who you've got to be, right?

And the last person to hit that position, well,

has to pay a forfeit.

-What's that then?

-Well, you better pray you don't find out, Masood.

Oh, Saucy Lil on the scene!

-Here we go.

-Who's Saucy Lil?

-The one that got away, right, Mick?

-Oh!

-I couldn't miss my last chance to change your mind.

-Ah!

LAUGHTER

All right, sweet. Thanks, Ti, thank you very much.

-Yeah, she ain't your surprise though, either.

-You what?

So, you and Jack...

Who says there is a me and Jack?

But you'd like there to be?

It's...complicated.

Well, I think HE would like to,

otherwise he wouldn't have stayed over.

And I think you must do too, otherwise you wouldn't have let him.

Seems simple enough to me.

Ian, just in time for the first dare of the day.

The next one, no value.

What's it say? What's it say?

'Convince the next stranger who walks in

'that you bat for the other side.'

No, impossible, impossible!

He's melting out on us already, look.

It's got to be a stranger, though.

Yeah, all right, all right.

-What about him?

-Touch it, touch it!

-I'll have a large Scotch.

-You sure about that?

I come here for a drink, not a rabbit.

Oh, well...I'm on a fag break.

I didn't think you'd be in the mood for a party.

Thought I'd better face the music

We're going to send Bobby to boarding school.

Good move, cos it's either that or prison.

How's Sharon?

She ain't going to say anything.

Phil, that's not what I was asking.

Yes, it was.

THEY CHEER

That ain't your surprise, either.

Yeah, yeah, good, good, good.

Let's have a drink. No more strangers are coming in today.

Oh, oh, game on.

No, cos that's...

Trouble in Paradise?

You and Dean?

Could say that.

Look, I don't want to interfere,

and I know sometimes you feel like tearing bits out of him, but...

..there is another side to Dean

and you bring it out in him too.

I just hope he hasn't upset you too much.

-Go on.

-Go on.

Hi, I'm Mick Carter. I'm the landlord. It's my stag.

Jack Branning.

-Oh, any relation to Max?

-Brother, but don't say it too loud.

He ain't exactly flavour of the month round here, is he?

-SHOUTS:

-Who Are Ya?

-You on a dare?

-Yeah.

-Which is?

I've got to convince you I'm an iron.

LAUGHS

How you going to do that?

-I have no idea.

-And if you don't?

-Billy.

-What?

-You was last one, mate.

-No, I wasn't!

You try keeping still standing like this.

What you doing? What you doing?

THEY CHEER

-Free drinks.

-Done.

-All night.

-Sweet.

Go on, then. Convince me.

-What? Er, how?

-I don't know.

Talk gay, I suppose.

Yeah, all the ones I know talk like me and you, so I don't know...

Actions speak louder than words, don't they?

Hold up, whoa, whoa, whoa. It's legendary, but no tongues.

Come here, go on.

THEY WHOOP AND CHEER

That wasn't fair.

-SHOUTS:

-Shark Attack!

HORN SOUNDS

I could do him for GBH.

Billy.

CHANTS: Billy! Billy! Billy!

Hello, Mick.

Dickie!

Heard about this on the Canning Town grapevine.

Thought I'd come and work the old magic again.

Yeah, go on, crack on!

-What a lovely surprise that is.

-That ain't your surprise.

-What?

-So why are you here? On a visit?

-Yeah, come see my daughter.

-What, she lives on the Square?

-Yeah, Amy.

What, as in Roxy and Amy?

You got a problem with that?

No, I ain't got no problem with Rox, no.

Just the company she keeps.

You ain't putting no more of them things on me.

-No, it's a different one, Bill.

-Right, you have to change clothes.

Well, I can't, can I, cos I haven't got a change of clothes.

I'm afraid that's already been donated, thanks to my nan.

No...no...no, I ain't wearing that!

-What do you think I am, some sort of weirdo?

-That's not too bad.

Back to the first forfeit then, mate, I'm afraid.

-They're the rules, Billy.

-No, no, no!

-The rules.

All right, all right, all right.

Here, Vincent, er, give Fats a call, will you?

Yeah, get him to bring his decks down, do a set.

There's only so much Britpop you can take, isn't there?

-Hey, Dickie!

-How you doing, Dickie?

All right, lads?

So do you two fellas want to know the secret of a happy marriage?

So do I.

What's all this?

Maybe it's what I should have done Christmas Day.

I got you this as well.

-Cyprus?

-Yeah.

Sun, sand, amazing hotel, just me, you and Amy.

DOORBELL RINGS

This time tomorrow we could be there

and then a week later, we could be married.

Dean...

I've already checked with the bird at the hotel.

-She said it's not a problem.

-Dean, listen to me...

-Where is she?

-Jack?

-Where's Amy?

-She's watching cartoons.

-Oi, what you doing?

-You know what I heard all about you over in The Vic.

You shouldn't believe everything you hear, mate.

Yeah, well, I ain't taking any chances

and I can't believe that you are either,

I mean, this is our daughter we're talking about.

All right, all right, forget it. I'll get her myself.

-Amy, get your stuff, darling.

-Dean, Dean!

LAUGHTER

Ooh!

-Oh, are these...

-For later, Mick. Just for you.

HE CHUCKLES

Filth!

Want to wish you all the luck in the world, Mick.

Cheers, Dickie. I'm sorry things haven't worked out for you.

Oh, can't complain.

Me and my wife were happy for 20 years.

Oh, she's lovely, yeah, yeah.

Then we met.

Ah, that's not bad.

That's not bad little...

-It wasn't a joke.

-No, of course it weren't. Go on.

Still got a long time to go, remember.

Yes, Mum.

That was funny the first time, Lee.

Who said I was trying to be funny?

Listen, before you start, I want to say I feel sorry for you.

-Go home, Dean!

-No, no, he's got some front, this geezer.

It's sad. Everyone else is cracking on with their lives.

-Leave it, Dean!

-I tried to leave it.

I put up with all his names and his sarky comments,

but now he's affecting my family.

-I'm not having it.

-What you talking about?

-The world's moved on.

I have moved on and you can't stand the fact that I've got a decent bird

-who won't listen to a word that you say.

-Oi, I'm talking to you!

Do yourself a favour, boy.

-Knock it on the head, cos you're embarrassing yourself.

-Shut up!

What you doing? Stay down there and all.

Stop it, Mick!

Did I start it?

Rapist! Look at you.

You all right, boy?

Look at the state of me, look!

-Ain't a bad little stag, though, is it?

-Come on, Dean.

Are you not going to see if Mick's all right?

He'll be all right.

Just give him some time.

Come on, Shirl, let's get you off, eh?

My son is innocent. When are people going to STOP calling him a rapist?

I never had you down as the type to listen to gossip.

And I never had you down as the type to sit back

-and let me do something like this.

-What's that supposed to mean?

I march in here like I own the place, tell you I'm taking Amy...

The Roxy I know would have laid me out before I'd entered the door.

Yeah, well, it's your turn to have her, isn't it?

Yeah, well, it's almost like it suited you, me taking Amy.

Mick Carter might have twisted your mind against Dean, all right,

but don't you dare try and twist mine.

So you're sure about him, yeah?

-He's not what people say he is.

-Yeah, there's a fair few of them.

Most of The Vic from what I can make out.

You want to know what's weird?

What?

You haven't actually answered my question.

I asked you, are you sure about him?

And you said everything apart from a simple yes.

It's traditional, innit, you know, blokes getting mullered?

-To be fair, it IS my stag.

-Yeah.

This shirt is like proper chuckin' up.

Anyway, what's the matter with you?

-It ain't like you to be a killjoy.

-Because it's all the time, Mick.

It's all the time, every time we go out,

I have to be the one to carry him home when he's out of his head.

I ain't doing it no more.

What does that mean?

He's got until after the wedding.

-BABY MONITOR:

-'I won't spoil it for you, and I won't spoil it for him.

'But after that, we're finished.'

-You don't mean that.

-Yeah, I do.

Well... how long have things been like this?

Long enough.

He is on his pills, ain't he?

You know, he's had a few lagers.

He's bound to be acting a bit ropey, ain't he?

What are you saying, you've fallen out of love with him?

I don't know.

I'm just saying I can't handle him when he's like that.

I know he's hard work.

But if he was how he was when he was in Army,

-if his nut was in the right place...

-Do you not think I've tried that?

I know you have, I know. Just...

you know what us geezers are like.

We're just a bit useless.

We're not very good at...

expressing ourselves.

Don't give up on him.

You don't have to go through this on your own. You shouldn't have to.

Just let me and Linda help you, yeah?

(Yeah.)

BABY BABBLES

Ooh.

I'll take him out for a walk.

-Thanks, Mick.

-It's all right, baby.

SINGING: # And after all

# You're my wonderwall. #

You know what bigamy is?

Too many wives.

Know what a normal marriage is? Same thing.

You a married man?

No, not yet.

Not ever if you've any sense.

Keep yourself footloose and fancy free.

Like you, you mean?

-You're going for it, ain't you?

-What are you saying, Ian, what?

Slow down, got plenty of time, yeah?

You all right?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Top of the world, ain't I? Luckiest man alive.

-What's the punch line?

-You're going to like this one, Phil.

This is a cracker, innit?

Alfie?

Um...

I-I...

-I've not told anybody about this, right?

-What?

You've got to promise, you can't say nothing to Kat, please.

That ain't going to be difficult cos you ain't said anything, have you?

Oh, come on, you know what she's like.

She makes how she can cope with everything.

Um...

Th-th-they've found this thing, right?

They call it a mass...

..and it's on my brain.

Maybe it's a tumour.

Alfie, I...

Been told I've got to have some tests or something.

And?

What...what are you saying - you haven't been for the tests?

I'm going to get another drink, all right?

Great party this has turned out to be(!)

Right, lads, shall we liven this stag up or what? Eh?

THEY CHEER

So everything really did go OK?

Everything went fine and everything's looking very good here, too.

We can start weaning him off his sedation.

I've been going out of my mind.

But that doesn't mean Dennis is out of the woods, Mrs Mitchell.

We won't know if there's any brain damage

until he regains consciousness.

We really need more time to see how he's going to recover from all this.

Phil?

Hey, darling.

Amy, go and get yourself a drink, darling.

So why didn't you tell me?

-Tell you what?

-That Roxy was shacked up with a rapist,

meaning Amy was too.

I mean, what else ain't you telling me, Ron?

-Oh, Jack, back again.

-Actually, do you know what?

I have spent the last two months trying to tell her to get

rid of him, OK, but you're right, as always, Jack.

I suppose I should have just popped across the Channel to tell you, too.

Oh, you know what, when you put it like that...

-but there's this thing called a phone.

-Yes, I know but...

Billy? It's all right.

I've got something to say.

SITS ON SQUEAKY TOY

-Billy, are you drunk?

-Yeah.

No. I've had a few.

Thing is, I, um...

I've written some stuff down.

Hold that for a minute, will you?

-Billy, is this my old wedding ring?

-Yeah.

Honey...would you...

I mean...

..would you...

Billy, do you want me to do it for you?

Give it to me. I'll read it for you. Go on.

'We've been apart now for too long.'

That's it.

'But not one day's gone by when I haven't thought of you.

'Would you please put everything behind us

'and make me the happiest man alive by becoming my wife?'

Again.

'Again.'

Oh, Billy!

I think that's a yes, Bill.

Well, go on, then.

Yes, I would love...

Yes, I would love...

..more than anything in the whole world...

..more than anything in the whole world...

-..to put everything behind us...

-everything behind us...

..and become your wife again.

..become your wife again.

I love you, Hon,

always have and I always will.

-Say it properly.

-Oh, yeah.

-Honey...

-Up-up!

Susan Honey Edwards...

..will you marry me, please?

Of course I will.

Noasis, you're the governors!

Ti, Ti.

We're all pals here, we're all pals.

What's my surprise? I'm going out of my nut.

I know it ain't Clive and Paula.

They're in the Seychelles, right.

It's Dean's moving to Ecuador, not Essex.

LAUGHS

Right, come on, come with me. I think it's time to show you.

Ain't you forgetting something?

Oh, Lil, of course, baby.

THEY CHEER

Oi, Dickie. Dickie.

-I reckon you're in there, mate.

-Think so?

-Yeah.

-The way she's looking at you, mate?

-Definitely in!

-Definitely.

Him, like a gazelle.

THEY CHEER

-What about us?

-We're your wingmen!

-Yeah!

Time for your last surprise.

Well, what is it, you weirdo?

Eh?

What are you wearing?

I think you're the most wonderful man I'll ever meet.

No matter what, you're always there for me.

Never let me down.

It's cos I love you.

I always have, I always will.

And I love you, too.

Always and forever.

You'll always be my Wonder Woman.

SHE GIGGLES

Come on, babe, let's just go, yeah?

You're already packed.

Let's get Amy back and we can get an earlier flight.

Dean, we're not going anywhere.

Your mum was right - you have never grown up and you never will.

What's she been saying?

Anyone presses the wrong button with you, and you just, you go off.

No, that's because of her, that's what that is,

and that's going to all change once we leave them all behind.

No, no. We could be the other side of the world,

it's not going to change who you are, is it?

Rox...please.

Come on, don't...don't let me down. Not you.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, it's finished, Dean.

Look... No, no.

I love you, I love you.

I love you and you love me too, you know you do.

I did.

I really did.

-Not any more, not for a long time, not if I'm being honest.

-No.

-Dean, come on, stop it. Listen, listen, listen.

-Please.

It's for the best.

OK, it is for the best.

I promise you, you're going to find someone else, I promise you.

-But I love you. I...

-Don't, Dean.

Baby, I love you, baby...

Dean, I'm serious, please.

Do you know what your problem is? You're too serious.

-Dean, get off of me. Dean!

-You're just too serious. I love you.

-Dean!

-I love you.

Dean! Get off me now! Dean!

No! No! No! No!

-I love you.

-Get off of me!

Dean! No!